Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters or ideas from The Killing. It's all just for fun.

Spoilers: Season 3, episode 6

Linden and Holder are in the car, parked across from a basketball court. They're "keeping eyes on" Pastor Mike.

Holder puts a cigarette in his mouth. "If you light it, it's gonna start raining again," Linden tells him.

Holder considers this for a minute. "It's true," he agrees, removing it from his mouth and putting it away.

Linden leans her head back against the headrest, smiling slightly. "Jack still knows I smoke."

"Yeah, well, you ain't exactly Houdini with them smokes, Linden." Linden chuckles at this idea, and he joins in.

"He wants me to move to Chicago." She's staring straight ahead, her face emotionless, so he can't tell how she feels about that.

He stares calmly forward. "Chicago PD's a storied institution. It's good police. Cold as hell." He looks over at her. "What's holdin you back? It ain't that boyfriend of yours."

Linden turns to look out the window on her side, avoiding his gaze. "No, I'm just a hire back. Temporary police." She faces forward again, still not looking at him.

Holder chuckles at her. "Oh… you dodged that." He turns to look at her. Alright then, the direct approach it is, he thinks"So what's goin on with Mr. Boatman Cody?"

She shakes her head slightly, exhaling and looking forward.

"What? He hurt your feelings?" Holder says, only half joking.

Linden finally turns to look at him.

"I'll beat his ass. Just say the word," Holder tells her. He's kidding, mostly, but if it came down to it…

At that, Linden grimaces, looks forward again, and down toward her lap. "No, he got, uh, too attached, I guess." She glances out her side window, back into the space in front of the center console – towards Holder but not at him. "I didn't mean for that to happen, but I don't know, he's just a kid." There's the tiniest pause while she realizes that Holder is about to pounce on her last statement. "Don't even go there," she adds.

Holder chuckles like crazy, like the little kid that he acts like half the time. Linden looks over at him, smiling, the turns forward again, her smile fading as her mind drifts back to Cody. Holder's chuckles subside, but he's still smiling, looking down in front of him.

Linden is thinking out loud, which is rare for her. "I guess I wanted to be that person, you know, like, living on an island, working 9:00 to 5:00, not smoking." As she's talking, his smile slowly disappears as he listens to her, seeing that she's being serious. "But I…" She finds that she can't finish her sentence.

After a pause to consider what she's saying, once again staring toward the dashboard, Holder attempts to finish the thought for her. "Sometimes what you get isn't really what you want."

They slowly look over at each other, then away again.

"Where are those smokes?" Linden asks, rooting through the center console.

Holder's phone rings. "Detective Holder… What?... Thanks." He looks at Linden. "Report came back on the pastor. Mike Sheehan died four years ago."

Linden doesn't need to think too hard to figure this one out. "He's using a fake ID."

And just like that, Cody is forgotten once again. Linden's excuse for avoiding her personal life tugs at her again – work.

Linden

I wanted to be that person. Like I told Holder, the one who lives on an island – sounds peaceful, right? The one who works 9:00 to 5:00. Who doesn't smoke. Who goes running, because that's what people do, right? For exercise? For fun? I don't even know. So why couldn't I be that person? That's what I wanted to be… so when I got there, to where I thought I wanted to be, why couldn't I? Why didn't I want it anymore?

I always assumed that getting away from… this… - this empty life of chasing shadows – was what I wanted. Hell, how much of the Rosie Larsen case did I spend saying I was leaving, for something better? So… what's wrong with me? If I can't even figure out what I want, then what's the point of all this? Why bother trying to be happy when apparently I don't even want what I think I want? When I get what I think will make me happy, I'm just as miserable. More so, really, because knowing that I was supposed to be happy and I'm still not… that was horribly disappointing. At least if I'm not hoping for anything, then I can't be disappointed.

If I can't even figure myself out, why am I trying to solve anyone else's problems?

At the same time, what else is there for me to do but try to solve other people's problems? It's the only thing I've ever felt like I was good at. I sure as hell never had any hope of solving my own problems. But for some reason this job is the one thing I can do. The only problem is, it consumes me, so that there's nothing left of me but the job.

But maybe that's the only part of me that's worth anything, anyway. Somehow I've already destroyed the rest.

Holder

Even though there are times when I understand Linden pretty well, sometimes I still wish I knew what was happening in her head. Sometimes, like today, I see the wheels turning but I just can't quite figure out where they're taking her.

I get that she wanted to try that whole "normal" thing. She felt like she missed out on it her whole life, it totally makes sense that she'd try to find it. What I'd like to understand is how to get through to her sometimes. Like, I watch her go to this dark place – I guess we all have them, but hers just seems… I don't know… lonlier? Lonlier than most people's. And I wish I knew how to get her back from there. I know those demons, and we're still pretty damn tight. I guess maybe when you know them, that's when you're most likely to recognize them in other people, to want to help them conquer theirs, even though you know that to a certain extent that no one can do that for you. That's something everyone has to do on their own.

At the same time, with no support it's just about impossible, which is the problem… she's convinced herself that she likes it that way – alone.

I wish I could get her to understand that she's not alone, not really… or, that she doesn't have to be. It's a choice she's making, pushing everyone away, even though she doesn't see it that way.

Maybe someday she'll get it.

…

Linden pulled the car up in front of the station and Holder got in. Something was off with her, he could see it right away. It was the same kind of vibe she'd been giving off earlier when she was talking about that guy she'd been seeing, Cody. That hadn't been the first time, though. Linden was cryptic like that.

They were on their way to the train station, having just been told that Pastor Mike's car had been found there. It just seemed too easy. Things were never this easy in their cases, ever. Just like Holder could feel it about Linden, he could feel that something about this case was… off. They were missing something important.

Linden was driving, focused straight ahead but tapping the steering wheel repeatedly, unconsciously. "Skinner doesn't believe me," she said suddenly, her eyes never leaving the road.

"Believe you? About what?" Holder asked in confusion, turning to look at her.

"He doesn't think there's a connection between this case and the Seward case."

Holder sighed heavily. Linden's cases, he had learned, were always personal to her, and the Seward case had been especially so. "Linden, ya gotta admit, we don't have any evidence that connects the two…" He understood her frustration, and he believed that there could be a connection, but he could also understand how Skinner needed evidence before he could do anything.

"I know I'm right about this!" she yelled abruptly, pounding the steering wheel for emphasis.

"I'm not saying you're wrong. Just… Skinner, you know, don't worry about him. I think we're missing something big, but… I got your back, ok? You know that, right?"

She didn't seem to be listening to him. "After everything, he should damn well be able to believe me…" she muttered under her breath, then glanced quickly at Holder.

He heard her, but he sensed that her last thought had slipped out accidentally, without her meaning to say it in front of him, so he decided not to ask questions.

"We're gonna figure it out, Linden. We will." He was sure of this, if for no other reason than the fact that Linden would never stop until they did.

She could see the lights of the train station in the distance, and for some reason it made her anxious. There was something they were missing, she just knew it. But what?

Holder had learned to trust Linden's instincts along the way. They sometimes steered her on the most random, round about paths possible, but if her gut was telling her something, chances were that it was right. The frustrating part was that all the evidence was telling them exactly the opposite. How could he rectify that? What the hell was going on?

She parked along the curb a short distance outside the perimeter of flashing lights. Before getting out of the car she looked over at Holder, who was still watching her closely. "We got this, Linden. Right? We're gonna get to the bottom of it."

She just nodded at him and took off her seatbelt, exiting the car and slamming the door in a last effort to release her frustration before they reached the rest of the officers who were there to deal with the discovery of the car.