redamancy

(n.) the act of loving the one who loves you; a love returned in full.

AN: I feel that this chapter will be best read listening to this song: Listen to your Heart by DHT (unplugged version) on loop, idk I wrote it while listening to that so :X

If you've enjoyed this chapter please consider leaving a review to let me know what you think (:

During the next few days the runners stayed in. Various boys were stationed at the entrance in shifts, in case the grievers decided to come right for the glade during the daytime. During the night time thankfully, the doors remained shut as per normal. However it didn't stop a thick fog of fear from settling over the gladers in the meantime. Griever sounds were frequent throughout the day, putting everyone on edge, be it metallic sounds echoing down the passageway or a screech that tore through the air.

Qiufeng kept to her duties as usual, feeding the hungry gladers whenever it was mealtime and helping Frypan whenever he needed her. During her free time she practiced throwing knives more than ever in the deadheads. She didn't want to become a burden to the rest when they had to leave the glade eventually, and she could feel that day was getting close. Soon.

Then, one morning she awoke and realized something strange.

She shifted in her hammock as she roused to the coolness in the air, drowsily drawing the blanket closer to her. There was a moment as she lay there, still under the spell of sleep before she realized how quiet it was. Her eyelids flickered open, and then her eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Forcing herself to get up despite still hazy with sleep, she stumbled forward towards the morning light.

Qiufeng stood there for a moment, giving herself some time to wake up. Then after her mind had cleared, she realized why this morning was so unlike the others.

"No griever sounds," she breathed, her voice clear against the stillness of the glade.

"Yeah." A voice sounded behind her and she turned quickly to face Minho. "I noticed it too when I woke up this morning."

The other glanced down at her, hands on his hips. He looked as if he had already been awake for a while, all freshened up and alert. It wasn't strange because his body clock was probably tuned to waking up early to run after all these years, but then she noticed he was carrying his backpack, wearing his hand gear as well as his sports shoes.

"You're going out." She realized sharply, her eyes narrowing in disapproval.

"Yeah, I'm going grocery shopping down Maze Avenue shuck face, you want anything? Could get try to get you a griever leg for dinner." Minho laughed as he started to walk leisurely towards the East door, and Qiufeng stared at his back in disbelief as if she couldn't believe what she was hearing. She sucked in a sharp breath as she broke into a small jog to overtake him, standing in his path with her arms folded.

"Aren't you just asking for it?" Her voice was incredulous, and for once she didn't think twice about asking a question.

Minho rolled his eyes, pausing in his walk and drawing his weight into one leg to stand. "Look Feng, someone's gotta go and check eventually."

"At least take someone with you." She insisted, unable to come up with something better to reply with.

"Yeah, and get more people injured?" Minho raised one eyebrow as he folded his arms.

She bit her lower lip at his answer, struggling to come up with a retort because that much was true. They had lost over four runners a few days ago, to lose any more would certainly put the gladers in a spot. However at the same time they couldn't lose Minho either, he was the best runner after all and although it was his responsibility, she couldn't lose Minho either. Her eyes flickered upwards to briefly meet his gaze but at the sight of his frown she lost her confidence.

Qiufeng wasn't really given a choice in the matter. She sighed, and then was careful to roll her eyes just to act nonchalant. "Just… Be careful."

"I will." Minho smirked fondly as he walked towards her and ruffled the top of her head. There was a moment as she noticed they were standing at a rather close proximity and as she glanced up, her cheeks were suddenly kissed pink without warning. She fought back the urge to turn away, hoping it wasn't so obvious but her heart sank as she realized Minho must've noticed because he quickly took a step back and withdrew his hand.

"Don't worry you shank." He added with a quick smile before he broke into a run towards the East wall.

She watched him go wordlessly for a moment, but turned and walked back towards Homestead just before he could leave her sight for the maze.

By the time she had reached her hammock, he was gone.

"Why don't you just tell him?" someone mumbled as she sat back down and stared aimlessly into the maze.

Her eyes widened and she considered defending herself for a moment before she relented and sighed. Honestly she wasn't even surprised that some of the boys had noticed her feelings towards Minho anymore, she wasn't exactly very subtle when it came to these sort of things. That and he was her closest friend after all.

"Easy for you to say." She looked over to where Newt was lazing on his hammock, arm hung over the side as he glanced up at her drowsily. His blond hair was in a mess and his eyes were still weighed down with sleep, she guessed that he had only been awake enough to see the end of the brief interaction she had with Minho. Qiufeng shook her head as she ran a hand through her hair. "You've never experienced this before."

Newt searched her face for a moment with a strange alertness in his eyes. He contemplated telling her about the brief interest he had in her before, but decided not to complicate things further. It was only for a brief period anyway, and it happened over a year ago. Honestly most of the boys in the glade had either liked her, or held some interest in her at some point in their lives together here. It wasn't surprising since she was the only girl around. That and she, after her own stage of growing up, turned out a rather pretty thing.

It was hard not to notice how her dark hair was longer, framing her face that had shed off all the baby fat from before. It was hard not to notice her fair skin that was occasionally reddened by the sun, her thin pink lips and wide eyes that often looked like a deer caught in headlights. How her body stayed slim from the exercise she implemented into her everyday mornings. How it was weird that suddenly she seemed more and more a girl after each and every glance they gave her.

By the time they had noticed the way she looked at Minho differently from the rest of them, and how only when he was around did she have a dimple whenever she smiled, they were already too close to her to try and approach her differently upon realizing their own feelings. Besides that, they were pretty sure Minho had a thing for her too, though it was difficult to tell because he was always so casual around everyone. Most of them decided to play safe and avert their eyes, and those that tried didn't even get so much as noticed.

"It doesn't matter whether or not I've been in love before," Newt eventually said as he turned his gaze away from her and closed his eyes.

Qiufeng winced at how bluntly he had put it, she didn't exactly want to call it "love" just yet.

"If there's one thing I've learnt from being in the Glade, it's that communication is key." He paused and glanced at her again. "And you're not communicating."

His words stabbed her pride because it was true, and she had to grit her teeth to stop herself from becoming defensive. She was thinking of something appropriate to respond with when Newt spoke again, this time with clear irritation.

"But neither is Minho," he growled as he sat up and ruffled the back of his head. "Shuck face could've at least told me he was going outside – Alby is going to freak out."

"He went out without permission?" Qiufeng groaned inwardly, but wasn't even that surprised really. It was just like Minho to just do whatever he wanted. But… If she had known earlier she could've used it as a big ass stop sign.

"He's Minho." Newt sighed as he got up and stretched. He turned to leave, but not before noticing the troubled look on the other's face as she gazed across the Glade. He paused for a moment to catch her eye and offered a small reassuring smile when she turned back. "That shank will be okay."

The rest of the afternoon was uneventful as she stayed in the kitchens, save for the uneasy atmosphere that had settled on the glade yet again. Initially there was a slight lift in atmosphere, especially since there were no sounds of grievers just around the corners, however it soon began to breed suspicion. The boys started to become edgy and restless again, finding the sudden quiet too good to be true. She tried her best to stay positive, but it proved difficult even for her, given the dreary mood.

Qiufeng had just finished preparing dinner when there were shouts from across the glade, and she looked up to see a couple of boys running towards the west door. She strained her neck to watch, because there couldn't be any explanation for the sudden commotion other than Minho returning. It took a moment too long and she started to have second thoughts, but then the Korean boy jogged casually into her sight as if he was just back from an exercise routine.

She sighed in relief and considered going down to greet him when the gladers started to swarm him, no doubt to ask him about the maze. So she settled for a fond smile as he tried to swat them away like flies. Qiufeng figured she would catch up with him later and continued cleaning up with new found vigour.

"Shucking grievers cleared out." He told the anxious crowd as he settled down across the circle from where she was sitting. In the end despite all the questions, Minho had saved his news for dinner, having ignored everyone for a shower. A bunch of boys crowded around him, eager to hear the news first hand. "Think it might be safe for now."

There was a moment as the atmosphere significantly lifted with a bunch of relieved sighs and murmurs once Minho had mentioned that the grievers had disappeared, and were even a few smiles in the crowd. Qiufeng herself relaxed, at least the maze was safe again for now – if he planned to go out again. She wondered briefly for a moment if he would be running the maze himself alongside the few runners that remained.

"Are you taking the runners out tomorrow?" Stan's voice rose above the excited chatter, catching everyone's attention including hers. They all watched Minho curiously. After the incident a few days ago, they had lost most of their runners and the other two seemed like they would rather throw themselves off the cliff than go back into the maze to run.

"Me and what runners." Minho rolled his eyes. "We've lost over half of 'em to the grievers."

Qiufeng's mind immediately clicked with her train of thought. There weren't enough runners anymore. But they couldn't stop mapping the maze, they can't. They needed to keep doing it for a chance to make it out of this mess. It would probably be too difficult for the small number to handle the maze by themselves though, unless…

She glanced up sharply, catching Minho's eye. There was a moment as realization crossed over his face too, but he turned away without any acknowledgement. She frowned at his lack of response, but didn't pay too much attention to it. Perhaps he got distracted. However, she soon realized there was indeed something wrong. Whenever they would make eye contact, he would avert his eyes quickly, either back to his food or to the boys around him.

That was weird.

It was as if he was ignoring her.

Qiufeng started to get worried. What if her impulsiveness to stop him this morning pissed him off? She stared down at her plate and tried to reason with herself, perhaps she was thinking too much. The tension from this afternoon was probably getting to her, she needed to relax. Minho was mixing with a bunch of people, so obviously he was distracted. She took a deep breath. That was it.

But why did something feel so off?

She shook her head, she had to stop overthinking.

Qiufeng quickly finished up her food, and stayed for a little while for the sake of staying. When the large group of boys finally dwindled to a few, she got up and handed her plates to the sloppers with a short thanks. Eyeing the few boys that were scattered along the glade in their own groups, she searched for Minho and Newt. The two of them had disappeared sometime during dinner, probably to discuss further action regarding the runners with Alby or something.

It was weird how long they had been gone though, it had almost been an hour since she had last seen them. She gazed across the glade again rather absentmindedly, wondering if she should just leave them be for tonight and see them tomorrow morning. She mused to herself and just as she decided to head back to Homestead, a shadowy figure, two of them, caught her attention from the corner of her eye. She frowned, wondering if any of the younger boys were up to mischief – then they passed under a shred of moonlight. It was brief, but she would recognize those broad shoulders and that dirty blond hair anywhere.

Qiufeng's curiosity was piqued, noticing the way they lingered around before disappearing into the trees. What was it that they were doing that they had to be so secretive about it? She glanced around for a moment to see whether anyone was watching her, and before she knew it, she was skirting along the edge of the glade towards the deadheads, and was too eventually enveloped by the darkness of the forest.

She stepped gingerly through the trees, and somehow managed to avoid branches and dried leaves on the forest ground. Although she entered the forest from the other end, it didn't take too long to find them. Qiufeng stayed quiet and followed the whispering in the woods, hushed voices carried easily within the deadheads. She eventually glimpsed them in a little clearing near the gravestones, and darted behind a tree to listen in.

"-ot to stop being so bloody brash." The blond was saying as she approached hearing vicinity. Peering out, she noticed Minho's back was facing towards her, while Newt was standing opposite him. He would probably see her if she inched out too far. "What if you got killed out there today?"

"The maze finally drive you crazy?" Minho replied, his voice sounded irritated and she imagined him scowling. "I always know what I'm doing shank."

"Yeah?" She saw Newt frown. "Have you gotten so bloody self-absorbed that you can't even consider the feelings of the people around you?"

At that moment, her mind immediately backtracked rapidly to this morning when Newt casually commented that he knew she had feelings towards Minho and how she, herself confirmed it. Her hand flew up to clasp over her mouth tightly to stop herself from gasping and she tore her eyes away from him to the tree in front of her because she was suddenly staring so hard, he probably would've felt it. It couldn't be. He wouldn't dare. He. Wouldn't. Dare. Qiufeng froze just as loud thumping sounded in her ears, and realized it was her own heartbeat.

"Oh yeah I'm 'bloody self-absorbed' shuck face," Minho growled mockingly after a moment of what seemed like brief confusion. "So self-absorbed that I'm taking responsibility as the shucking keeper of the runners."

"You're right about looking after the shanks under you." Newt's voice came to a quiet. "But what about those that aren't?"

There was a pause, and Qiufeng didn't feel anything but the growing tightness in her chest as the sound of her racing heartbeat started to get intolerable in her ears. She instinctively moistened her dry lips, and the action itself felt of nothing but regret.

Then Minho spoke, and it was so not like him that her fists clenched and she felt something within her chest ache, "w-what're you talking about?"

"Don't play dumb with me Minho." She thought she imagined it, but for a moment she heard Newt's voice quiver (But it couldn't be, Newt doesn't quiver, he doesn't. Not Newt.) And her mind was thrown into a whirl at their sudden unlikeness. Newt spoke again and as his words came out slow and steady, it felt as though her chest had just collapsed in on itself and she had forgotten how to breathe. "If you haven't noticed how Feng feels about you, you're one hell of a bloody shucked up shuckface."

There was a silence that lasted longer than it should.

"I know." Minho finally said, his voice suddenly quiet compared to a minute ago. There was a certain softness to it that made her realize he had been feigning ignorance earlier. "You think I don't see the way she looks at me? How she shies away when we're too close, the way her face lights up when I come back from the maze… I see it Newt, every single day in her eyes."

The tenderness in his voice was almost unbearable to listen to.

Newt didn't even sound surprised that Minho knew all along, his voice came out almost weary. "Then why don't you spare a thought for her?"

Qiufeng squeezed her eyes shut as she pressed her back against the tree, ignoring the way the rough bark scratched against her back. Her mind screamed at her to run, but her legs stayed rooted where she was standing. She was scared. Terrified. Because Minho had no idea she was here. Standing behind a tree just a few metres away from him and so his words would be nothing but hard truth served up to her on a silver platter whether she liked it or not. She didn't want to know, but yet she knew she had to know.

Then, Minho raised his voice to something similar to a snarl and there were so many mixed emotions within she wasn't even able to pinpoint just one. "Do you think we're on shucking summer vacation Newt? That this is a fun game we're playing? The maze is no place for a shucking romance, especially when I'm keeper of the runners. You said it yourself shuck face, I could've died today. Then what? What happens to her?"

There's a moment where there was no sound but the gentle soughing of the breeze through the trees. She dared to open her eyes, gazing upwards and for a moment the night sky scattered with endless twinkling stars seemed so perfect, as if from a fairytale. For a moment, until she looked back down and watched some glimmering droplets fall to the ground before her entire vision blurred out and there was nothing but the sharp pain in her chest. The night sky was only perfect tonight in consolation for something else she had lost, because reality was never a fairytale.

"You're the one not thinking." She somehow manages to hear Minho say through the pain in her chest.

How could I have been so selfish?

As the crystal clear thought crossed her mind, an overwhelming wave of emotions rose up within her, suppressedfor all the time that she has held back, fighting their way out of her lungs because shucking hell she loved Minho (she finally dared to admit but it didn't matter now anyway) and even though she had always known it would be this way she just wanted to try but in the end it meant nothing. In fact, all it turned out to be was a burden. She had burdened Newt, burdened Minho, all because she couldn't keep her goddamn feelings in check, couldn't stop caring, couldn't stop worrying, couldn't stop loving.

Her vision cleared for a moment and she realized that she had somehow while lost in her thoughts left the deadheads on her own and she fought to keep her cool as she stumbled out of the trees. She stood there for a moment as she hastily wiped away her tears with the bottom half of her shirt, glancing across the sleeping glade for anyone that was still awake. Taking a deep breath, she clenched her fists, focusing on the feeling of her nails digging into her palm as she started to walk back quickly in long strides, head bowed low from shame.

She couldn't, couldn't, burden them any further. She needed to stop. She. Needed. To. Stop. Stop caring more than a brother, stop worrying more than a mother, stop loving more than a friend. So that it wouldn't make her chest ache with worry whenever she waves at him as he leaves the glade, so that it wouldn't make her frown when she sees him doing whatever he wants from the corner of her eye, and so that if, by any chance should the heavens decide he should die while risking his life every day in the maze for all of them-

Her hand was yanked back suddenly, and her eyes widened in fear as her mind ran through a panicked frenzy should she see him, and all the excuses to throw out, all the facades to put on. But then she came face to face with a dirty blond haired, brown eyed boy and she just stared at him because while she prepared to face Minho she just didn't know what sort of reaction to give Newt other than looking caught in the headlights.

He stared at her too, his mouth partially open in a soft pant as his eyes frantically searched her face.

And then they both just knew.

He stood up straight, as did she, and there was a moment as they just stood there before he suddenly reached out, drawing her into a hug. The contrast of his gentleness against the aching in her chest was too much and she felt herself moving away in an effort to hide her vulnerability. But it was as if Newt knew because his grip tightened and she was enveloped in such an overwhelming warmth that she eventually relaxed slowly into his arms, her fists unclenching to reach for his back as she sobbed quietly into his shoulder.

And then her tears wouldn't stop because how could she. How dared her heart wish that instead of Newt, it was Minho.