Things did not go according to plan.
From step one, it was doomed and I should have seen it earlier. Honestly, I thought I could be coherent about my desires without everything ending up horribly? That this day would move smoothly through and I'd end up in bed with my best friend with all parties happy? This relationship thing has obviously driven me into some sort of delusional state where things turn out good for me in the end.
Where did it go wrong? More like where did it go right! I know that 'lanky hormonal lazy moody teenager' it is a stereotype that rings true in my life, despite my clear attempt at avoiding that particular path, but I had no idea the condition consisted of flare-ups where all symptoms were present and arguing with each other for hours on end. I blame John and the world for this ridiculous state that plagued me on implement-plan-intercourse day.
The day started off normally enough. I actually slept the night through, something that I've been doing alarmingly more frequently since John and I decided to start sharing a bed (I say decided…) and woke to the back of John's head directly in front of my face. I would admit to smiling at the sight and smell and feel of holding John through the night, but I believe that I was smiling in my sleep already and the expression simply carried over into my waking state.
Carefully, so as not to wake him, I rolled backward and up into a sitting position so I could stand, but the bed had other ideas and decided to not be as wide as I thought it was, therefore I ended up in the floor gasping out my surprise as a corner of a textbook dug directly into my left bum cheek and my elbow caught the corner of my microscope.
I didn't move, for fear of waking John and genuine surprise at my position, for a moment. Ow, I thought, that'll bruise. With more care than earlier, I extracted my right foot from the bed where it was still grasping for some sort of purchase, and eased myself vertical to take stock of the day in a dignified position.
Okay, how to start the day: communication? I turned, John was still snoring. No, nice gestures? Sure, okay, that. What does one do in the morning? Breakfast! I turned, ready to go, and knocked an empty jar with my foot. It rolled over to the desk. Luckily, there was little force behind it and it didn't break, but the soft clink was enough to wake John.
"Sher?"
I sighed. Nice gestures would have to be observed while implemented. "John."
"What time is it?" He rolled over. Why do people always insist on knowing what time it was as soon as they woke up?
"It's half past nine –"
"Arrgh!"
I looked to John, wondering if he was in pain, pretending to be a pirate or upset at the time.
"That bloody well hurts."
I had my answer.
"Your shoulder?" John rolled to his back, wincing. He must have slept on it wrong all night, and he said as much.
"Yeah, shouldn't have played that match yesterday with the guys, fell on it pretty hard then slept on it."
I leaned over him and touched his hand that was resting on his old wound. "Is there anything I can do?"
He squeezed his eyes in pain and said: "The warming patch, it's in the desk, grab one for me?"
I got up to get the box when something occurred to me. "Wait – what match? You were with me all yesterday!"
"Um, no, I wasn't" he yawned. "Greg called me up, they needed an extra. Sherlock, I was gone for a few hours, didn't you notice?"
Bloody well guess not, I muttered. "I must have been thinking.." John brushed it off and attempted to sit up.
I helped the patch onto his shoulder under his shirt once he sat up. As he adjusted his arm and tried to wake up a bit more, I sat next to him attempting to salvage the day. Suddenly, John tapped me on my shoulder and offered me tea – no, wait, that isn't right. He was just sitting next to me – now he has his jacket on and is handing me tea?
I must have slipped into my mind for longer than I intended. Again.
"Anyway, I'm out. See you in a few hours!" John left with a smile before I could do anything but take a sip of perfect, perfect tea.
What the hell was I ever thinking? How did I ever expect this to be all right? My perfectly planned day has reduced to me pacing the room and wincing when my bum moved due to the large bruise gained that morning.
John was still out, presumably with his friends or family or something, no telling at this point and that wasn't the point anyhow because I was tantamount to freaking out – another characteristic brought to me by John and this relationship!
Was I seriously planning on practically seducing John today – how could I! I've never thought about sex before John, in fact I avoided the thought entirely. It's messy and emotional and the exact opposite of what I prefer! And how long have I known John anyway, just a handful of months and I'm willing to be that… that vulnerable with another human?
John's never brought up the subject either. Did he even want to have sex with me, with a man? He'd said that he had only had relationships with women before anyway, and did he even find me attractive? Of course I find him attractive and we have both showed symptoms of arousal while in contact, but the subject of sex never came up. I suppose he liked my looks enough to snog, but actually crossing the line into sexual contact? It could be the point where John says enough.
Did I even know him? Of course I do, though, and that's the problem. I know his laughs, all seven of them. I know his smiles and his fingerprint patterns and how his second toe on each foot is just a little longer than his big toe. I know that there are six different shades of blond in his hair, I know what he looks like when he's hungry or tired or sad or happy – I know what it feels like to kiss him and to hold his hand. To hug him, to talk to him, to buy the jam that he prefers and listen to him when he is upset. If I was anyone else, I'd say I was in love with him, and I probably am judging the way I'm prattling on about him in my head while staring at his dirty jumper on the floor.
But what about him? He's been acting… differently recently. Yes, yes he has and I hadn't noticed before now. We haven't snogged nearly as much as usual and he has been almost… distant. I resumed my pacing while putting the pieces together. It could be from stress, but what about? School finals were approaching, but he hasn't been studying any more or less recently. He would tell me about nightmares and fears, he has before. Family? And option, but he has ranted about them to me more often than not. The school body has long since moved past us as a headline for gossip and I haven't done anything differently to ward him away.
Have I?
He just told me that he was out having fun at personal risk (and confirmed injury) for hours yesterday without my noticing. What else has happened in those moments? Have I missed anything? It must be to due with the relationship, with our relationship, because there's nothing else to cause these aberrations – he's out right now! Right now with God-knows-who and he left me without so much as a goodbye kiss or hug or anything! Well he did make me tea… That's not the point! Have I been pushing him away? For God's sake, we're just teenagers who snog a bit! Does he want to let me down gently so we can go our separate ways once school is finished? Is he tired of me? My eyes started stinging and my scalp started to burn at the frequency with which my hands were running through my hair. What if he was tired of me?
My breathing picked up from shallow gasps to great heaving breaths.
I think I'm having a bit of a panic attack...
The door opened to reveal John, still smiling at something someone had said, until he looked at me.
"Sherlock?"
JohnJohnJohn John's back already what time is it it's evening how long have I been thinking again how long what has he been doing why -
What a sight I must be, standing in the middle of our mess, eyes no doubt red with rubbing and hair amok from hands and breath sharp and audible.
"Sherlock, what's wrong with you?"
He walked toward me, assessing me in half a moment.
"Is something wrong with me?" I asked, softly. My control slipped further and I bolted out the door.
I needed to keep thinking.