"No, no, no, no! Why won't the scanners tell me anything!" Zim was frantically going through the data logs of his bio scans, trying to find an irregularity, but nothing was showing up. Literally, there was no data on him, each description of him was marked null, as if he had ceased living, but obviously that wasn't the case. According to the bio-scans, he had ceased living years ago, yet there was no discernible cause of death listed. Zim started frantically looking around the lab for something that could help him.
"Holofile, piggy, ionic wave blaster, piggy, piggy, laser scalpel, piggy, a rock, piggy, WHY ARE THERE SO MANY INFERNAL PIGGIES IN MY LAB!"
"Hi Master!" Gir popped out of a pile of rubber piggies next to him, happily squeezing the life out of them.
"Gir? Where'd you get all these piggies?"
"I got them over there!" Gir pointed to a broken vault, with the door barely hanging on the hinges.
"I feared this day would come," Zim said quietly, "just clean up all these piggies, Gir."
"Yes, sir!" Gir jumped out of the pile, revealing a rubber pig tied to the bottom of each foot, allowing him to bounce and squeak as he pleased, and he made numerous use of it. Zim could only take a minute of squeaking before yelling at his servant.
"Gir! Stop it, can't you see that I'm working! I don't need your squeaking noises to drown out my brain juices from functioning!"
"Whatcha doing?"
"I was running a bio scan on my body after the last mission and I found something peculiar. According to my bio scans, my body functions had ceased some time ago."
"Master died? No, NO!" The little robot broke down in tears, "He was so much fun, whyyyyyy-"
"Gir! I'm still alive."
"*gasp* It's a miracle!" Gir gleefully hugged Zim.
"Gir, that's not the problem. This data comes from the main Irken database, based off the signal my PAK sends out, but apparently a signal wasn't sent for many Earth years. Do you know what this means, Gir?"
"..." Gir stared blankly at him.
"Yes, I too have no idea what it means!"
As Zim continued to try to figure out why his scans would declare him as deceased, an exhausted Dib and Daj entered Zim's lab.
"Zim...that goddamn monkey...won't move..." Dib collapsed on the floor, the cold metal allowed him to relax.
"Serious...ly, that thing...ATE...MY...HAND!" Daj pointed to his left side, showing Zim the absence of his floating hand.
"Then fry the stupid Earth mammal!" Zim said, "Just use that unnecessarily large rif-...where is that rifle?"
"The monkey has it," Daj said disdainfully.
"That monkey...threatened...to blast a hole through the Dibship...if we got close," Dib was still lying on the floor.
"Stupid earth primate, fine! Let him be for now, I have more important matters anyway," Zim said.
"Master died!" Gir shouted.
"What?" Dib started to regain his strength and stood up.
"Apparently my body functions had ceased some time ago, according to my bio-scans, but that's not what I'm worried about now," Zim started searching his lab.
"It's not?"
"Your apparent death isn't important to you?" Daj said.
"NO! There is a matter much more grave!" Zim opened a drawer and pulled out a miniature replica of the Earth. "See! See this, Dib-worm! This is the problem!"
Dib stared at the replica in Zim's hand, trying to figure out what he was saying. "Zim, I know you hate the Earth and hold great disdain for all its inhabitants, but how is the Earth relevant at all right now?"
"Foolish, Dib, I have several of these replicas here for the sole purpose of crushing them for joy! However, recently, I haven't been able to destroy them at all! Only Australia!"
"Why Australia?"
"Their koalas shall all be eradicated!"
"Still not over whole drop bear incident I see," Dib looked away and laughed nervously.
"One does not easily forget the placing of several vicious marsupial creatures in one's ceiling that claws one's skin off."
"They were tasty," Gir said.
"It took weeks to heal those scars."
"Heh, good thing we called a truce, right?" Dib said.
"Dib-worm, would you inspect this replica of your filthy planet?" Zim threw the replica at Dib, while he was distracted Zim pulled out a blaster and aimed it at his head. Zim recalled the drop bear incident, feeling every bit of hate for the Earth-scum that caused it. Zim was channeling that anger into his finger, trying desperately to pull the trigger. "AAARRRRR! I can't even bring myself to fire a laser at your big head!"
"What?" Dib just now saw the blaster in Zim's hand.
"I even set the blaster on its non-lethal setting! I don't even remember building a non-lethal setting on this blaster!" Zim threw the blaster on the ground in anger. Gir picked it up and started playing with it, eventually shooting himself with it, launching him to the back of the lab.
"Zim, calm down. Maybe the reason you can't destroy the earth or shoot me is because you don't want to."
"I don't want to? Do you understand the utter stupidity of the words coming out of your mouth, Dib? They're so tremendously stupid that-"
"I do NOT need to hear another one of your stupid metaphors. Zim, all I'm saying is that maybe you aren't as much of a sadistic bastard as you think you are. I dunno, maybe over time, you grew a soft spot for Earth and some of its inhabitants."
"Again with that word, 'soft spot', the last time I probed into that issue my head was almost punched into my body by Gaz. Are you saying that I, Zim, have somehow acquired an Earth organ that reduces my killing instinct? I thought I got rid of all your filthy Earth organs after I finished harvested them years ago."
"It's not an organ."
"So it's an Earth disease! A virulent plague that I had contracted during my time on your stupid rock! Curse you filthy Earth germs!"
"No, you dense idiot! You're experiencing what all humans feel, compassion, camaraderie, love-"
"Hold on," Daj interrupted, "Are you saying that this drone is actually feeling love? That's the funniest thing I've ever heard! A member of the mighty Irken race, known to be ruthless, cruel, and major idiots, suddenly feeling compassion! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA-" Daj was knocked back by a laser blast. Zim noticed that Daj still twitching and looked at his blaster.
"Curse you non-lethal setting! CURSE YOU!"
"Daj, Daj, DAJ!" A reptilian hand slapped Daj awake.
"OW! What the-, where am I-..." Daj looked up at the figure that stood before him, he was shocked, he felt overjoyed, "Ere!" then he thought about how implausible this was, especially since he was wearing Ere's skull, "wait a minute, Ere?"
"I'll take that," Ere removed his skull from Daj's shoulder and placed it back on his head.
"No...NO...There's NO WAY that you're alive! I saw you die! I had an emotional moment holding your cold corpse!"
"Well no duh, Daj, of course I'm dead!"
"Then why are you..."
"I thought I was the stupid brother, you're in a dream!"
"Wha..." Daj looked around at the room they were standing in. For one thing, half of the room was horribly distorted, filled with children pictures, rotting toenails, melting numbers, etc. The other half of the room wasn't even a room, it was a field, full of rainbows and roses, with the heads of Darvons on pikes being pollinated by flying Irken hands.
"Of course," Daj said, "It all makes sense, how everything here makes no sense at all! It must be a dream."
"Yes! It all symbolizes your...uh...dark brooding trauma...and...all that!"
"Okay...one question though. Why is Kry eating my leg?"
"I dunno it's your mind, maybe you're just really sick."
"I don't want to hear that from my brother who went on a delusional hero trip." Ere pointed Daj to the Darvon heads on a stick. "I also don't like the idea of my delusional brother having a valid point."
"Anyway, I'm here to remind you of your quest! You must help Dib save the universe!"
"I know, you made that clear when you died."
"I'm just here to remind you."
"I think having those words be part of your dying speech is enough reinforcement for me to remember, idiot."
"You do know that I'm part of your mind, right? As in you basically called yourself an idiot."
"Wel-...I-...why is my brother much more logical in my mind than in real life?"
"I dunno, your mind, you tell me."
"I can't even understand where we are! Seriously, severed heads and childhood pictures? It makes me look like a deranged psychotic!"
"You are arguing with your inner psyche."
"Whatever, just tell why you're here."
"I-...actually I was just here to remind you of your goals and purpose."
"This is pointless isn't it?"
"Fine, if you feel that way I'm just gonna fade away with the scenery until you wake up."
"Please." Daj's dream started fading away and then he awoke to a bunch of rubble lying on top of him. "One crazy scene to another?"
"Oh you're awake," It was Dib, he had his laser sword activated and they were apparently in the training room. "I guess I got carried away with attacking those dummies," Dib pointed to the rubble on top of Daj.
"What knocked me out?" Daj asked.
"Oh, Zim shot at you with a laser. Kry and I dragged you here after that."
"Zim, ZIM! I WILL HAVE MY REV-You know what, forget it, I can't do anything to him until this mission is over anyway. I'm going to sleep."
Daj moved the dummy remains off of him and got up, only to fall down again. He looked at his leg and spotted his former caretaker jaw wrapped around it. "Kry, I know I fried your brain and all, but I still have to ask, why?"
"YES YES! MY SWORD WILL SLICE YOU INTO FINE CUTS! FEAST ON THE FLAMES OF DOOM! I WILL OBLITERATE YOUR SOULS! MUAHAHAHA!"
"KOR! Shut up and calm down, it's just a video game," Gaz yelled.
"I can't help it," Kor said, "I've never experienced anything like this! Controlling an avatar to virtually kill and maim others is amazing! I also like the part where each enemy on this level is a blob-like creature."
"You really hate your own people, don't you."
"Yes, very much so."
"Whatever, let's get to the real reason I called you in here. I know you've noticed it."
"Noticed what?" Kor said sarcastically.
"Kor, if you get sarcastic on me, I will shove your head into a blender and drink it."
"Woah, isn't that a bit too violent."
"I could do even worse things if you want."
"Still, drinking my blended remains?"
"I had no problems with eating your dad's arm."
"Alright, so what about Zim do you want to talk about?"
"Do NOT say his name."
"You were screaming it back on Oberox."
"That was a heat of the moment thing."
"Right."
"Blender!"
"Alright, alright! Yes, I have been noticing your issues with Z-him. All I have to say is, so what. You said you've known him for a good chunk of your life, is it that strange?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Because I hate him."
"Why?"
"He's an idiot, egotistical, an idiot, a moron, and a dumbass."
"Yeah, that sums him up nicely, so here's the other question, why do you like him then?" Gaz looked away and reluctantly answered.
"...he isn't that much of an idiot."
"Now we're getting somewhere. So lets start at the beginning, what was Z-" Gaz made a fist, "he like when you first met."
I never really "met" him, he just showed up one day and my stupid brother became obsessed with him. At first, I was happy, because it meant that Dib would stop telling me about how he found Bigfoot toenail clippings or the mole people's swimming pool, but instead, he just kept talking to me about how "today will be the day I expose him," every single day.
I saw Zim the same way I saw everyone around me, an idiot whose genes plague the Earth, whose name I only knew because Dib always talked about him. Due to that, I never paid him much attention, even when he harvested my organ once. He was just lucky that I was in the middle of beating Demons Could Weep. Then we started running into each other more often, and each time he would irk me in some way, like using me as an umbrella. Our first conversation with each other wasn't until a couple months later though.
"What the hell are you doing?" I was drinking a soda when I saw Zim, in a badger suit, in my living room.
Apparently he wasn't expecting anyone to find him, he froze for a bit when he turned his head around.
"Don't mind me, filthy Earth girl, I am just a friendly, vicious Earth-badger," he said.
"And badgers talk?"
"...Yes, I am, uh, magical badger! Bent on the DOOM OF YOU-" I threw my soda at him, "HOW DARE YOU THR-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" He started reacting to the liquid dripping on his face.
"I'm not stupid, you're Dib's weird friend that he always talks about."
"I am not the Dib-worm's friend! I am Zim! And your feeble planet will-"
"I don't care. Now get out of my house before I have to use force."
"Ha! Do you honestly think that you can best me? I am Zim! Irken Iva-Er, I mean, I am Zim! Normal Weak Earth Human!"
"And I'm Gaz, the person that will throw you out of here in pieces."
"Ha, don't make me laugh so much. Now go on doing your weak, puny human activities while I find the Dib-worm's camera. Each file of Zim must face deletion! Hahahaha-"
"I don't really remember that much about beating him up, just that I was using a camera as a weapon," Gaz finished.
"I'm surprised you even remembered the conversation that well," Kor said.
"It's hard to forget your first time seeing an alien in a badger suit in your house, though I admit I guessed some of the dialog. He wasn't able to use that suit anymore after that day though."
"You were a very violent child, weren't you? Anyway, what you thought of him during that time was..."
"What an idiot."
"So I guess the next logical question would be, why?"
"Why what?"
"Why do you feel the way you do? What changed so much?"
"I don't know, it just did, and I wish I could rip this feeling out and burn it."
"Well, think back, can you remember a time where things suddenly changed?"
Gaz starting thinking back, recalling the times she was with Zim, any moment where something happened. Then she remembered. The memories of that day was faint, but she remembered certain moments of that day. She got a dark glare on her face, then her anger was building up inside her.
"It was THAT day. On THAT day, THAT happened, all because of THAT Irken."
"Zim?"
"No." The room grew quiet, Kor watched Gaz keep the same grimace for a while.
"I guess that's all you wanted to talk about then, I'll just go leave...and do...tinkering stuff." Kor got up and opened the door, but Gaz stopped her for a moment.
"Thanks for talking with me, I guess."
"Uh, sure, just wondering though, why me? We haven't known each other for that long."
"You aren't a complete idiot like the rest of them, meaning you know how to avoid painful situations."
"I guess."
"Just a few things to remember before you leave this room. One, never speak a word of what we said here, two, I find your species tasty, and three, I was a dark and violent child, I am a darker and even more violent teenager."
"So you're telling me that you gained fighting abilities as well as the ability to defy the universal laws of physics just from watching movies on the Dibship's monitor," Tel was questioning his beings' recent actions during the armory raid, how they fought with great expertise despite only watching it, however it was their breaking of the rules of time and space that really got to him.
"Yes, sir," answered one of the Heboadians.
"And just how the Boad did you use slow-motion, speed-ups, and freeze frames, not to mention disobeying gravity and applying great force without any sort of knockback effect!" The other Heboadians were discussing with each other about how to explain their methods to their leader. Tel listened on their chatter, whispers, and clinking.
"Simple, sir, we just copied what they did in the movies."
"Just copied? I know our race are fast learners but you cannot learn how to destroy the laws of physics!" The Heboadians turned to each other again, restarting their chatter and clinking.
"Well, sir, we don't understand the laws of physics, and one only follows laws they can understand, thus we can't follow the laws of physics if we don't understand them."
"Did you really just use logic and reasoning to explain how you DESTROYED ALL LOGIC AND REASONING! Were you all bashed in the head!?"
"Well, we were all thrown down the chute headfirst when Pel exiled us." Tel's frustrations had peaked and he was about to release an explosion of anger. He took a moment of silence and composed himself like a true leader would.
"I HAD HALF OF MY FACE CRUSHED AND I'M STILL ABLE TO USE COMMON SENSE!" Or at least he tried. Their illogical statements and increasingly loud clinking was ravaging his nerves.
"But, sir, you're able to pierce beings with a stick, a dull stick."
"That's different! I used knowledge and physics to ascertain a possible method to execute the ability to penetrate the epidermal region of beings then apply a technique to further drill the tiss-WHO IS MAKING THAT CLINKING NOIS-"
"NINJAAAAAAAAAAA!" Tel was suddenly captured in a sack by a cyan piece of malfunctioning circuitry. The other Heboadians only stared as the robot took their leader away right before their eyes.
The Heboadians were confused but eventually decided to do the only logical thing, watch more movies.
"Let me out of this sack! Release me!" Tel had been in the bag for about five minutes, however, he was continuously yelling for five straight minutes irritating the Irken next to him.
"Shut up cyber-monkey!" Zim ordered Gir to release Tel.
"Zim? Why the Boad did you stuff me in a bag! You could have just ordered me down. I did promise my loyalty and I honor my word."
"It was easier this way."
"And fun!" Gir said.
"I need you to remove the monkey from the pilot seat."
"Why don't you get Skoodge or someone else to do it?" Tel asked.
"Daj and Dib only made the situation worse by giving the monkey a rifle. Skoodge was able to get the cannon from him, however..." Zim opened the door to the cockpit. Tel looked and saw the monkey in a death match with Skoodge, both had scratches and bruises on their faces and looked like they had been fighting for hours.
"HOOOO-HAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Skoodge yelled and the monkey shrieked in return as they both leaped towards each other, colliding in mid-air. The two traded blows and were jumping around the room.
"Zim, all I know is how to poke someone with a stick, I don't think I can fight that thing," Tel said.
"You don't need to fight the monkey, just sneak to the pilot's seat and change our course," Zim said.
"Why aren't your doing that?"
"Because I don't want to get hurt, now go," Zim grabbed Tel and threw him into the room, closing the door behind him.
Tel let out a grunt of disdain, but turned to focus on the situation at hand. Skoodge and the monkey were still engaged in battle, completely ignoring Tel's presence in the room. Tel used that to his advantage and casually walked into the pilot's seat. He sat down and looked at all the buttons and levers, then he realized the flaw in Zim's plan.
Zim opened the door to see what was taking Tel. "Hurry up already!" Zim yelled.
"Zim, I have no idea how to pilot a ship."
"Do something!"
Tel stared back at the control console. All the buttons and levers were confusing him, eventually making him sweat. They ate at his mental psyche, taunting his ignorance of intergalactic travel.
"Hurry up, you stupid cyber-organic amalgam!" Zim yelled.
"Alright!" Tel chose a big purple button, and pressed it. The Dipship suddenly started accelerating faster and faster. Tel was knocked out of the pilot seat and started bouncing around the room. Zim and Gir were also pushed into the room and bounced off the walls like pinballs. The monkey and Skoodge, despite being thrown around, were still beating each other senseless. Zim and Tel were screaming in pain, Gir was just having fun.
"AAAHHHHHHH-Dibship stop this thing-AHHHHHHHHHHH!" Zim yelled.
"I would've if the monkey hadn't locked me out of the controls," the Dibship replied.
"AAAAHHHHHHH-Curse you, monkey!-AAAHHHHHH!"
The Dibship started colliding with asteroids and small moons, causing the ship to twist, turn, and spin. The Dibship was speeding towards a planet, Zim kept getting glimpses of the space rock that was increasing in size. The monkey also noticed and halted his fight with Skoodge by throwing him and causing him to bounce randomly like Zim. The monkey pulled out a hammer from his spacesuit and approached the glass. Zim only watched as once the Dibship entered the planet's atmosphere, the monkey broke the glass of the Dibship and leaped out. Zim saw the monkey activate a parachute and the ship flew by the creature.
The Dibship was about to hit the surface of the planet and Zim braced himself.
"I hate that monkey."
Zim woke up to silence and darkness. The wiring of the Dibship was everywhere, the command console was in pieces, the glass was cracked all over, sand from the planet was seeping into the ship. Zim examine his body for any wounds, he found only some minor scratches and bleeding but nothing broken. He assumed the planet's sand softened the crash a bit. There was no light outside, the Dibship was only dimly lit by the few working lighting fixtures. When the ship crashed there was still daylight, he questioned just how long he was knocked out for.
"Dibship, status report," Zim's statement was only met with a groan from the Dibship. Zim turned around to find Gir buried headfirst in a pile of rubble, his legs frantically moving in an attempt to escape. Zim pulled him.
"Hi, master!" The little robot casually said.
"Gir," Zim said weakly, "Go find Tel and Skoodge and wake them, if possible."
Gir gave his master a salute and walked off to find his fellow servants. Zim walked towards the door to find the rest of his crew. Zim went to the first closed door he could find and opened it.
Zim came face to face with Gaz. She was holding her forehead, blood was streaked across her face from a gash. She looked weary, she had also just woken up after being knocked out.
"Zim? What the hell happened?" Zim could tell she was also feeling the pain of the crash.
"Tel crashed the ship, the monkey escaped, and I don't know if anyone else is alive," Zim helped her out of the room. "Now come on, we have to find the rest of them."
Gaz followed Zim, feeling too tired and hurt to express any anger at the situation. They continued across the dark ship until she fell, a pain in her leg preventing her from keeping up. Zim turned and saw the red liquid dripping from her leg. He helped her up and let her drape her arm around his back and they continued forward.
"Where are we?" Gaz asked.
"If the monkey never changed course when we left Oberox, then my guess would be Vort."
"Looks like we're gonna be stuck here for a while."
"Maybe, Vort is the Irk's main planet for research and development, all our glorious weaponry, armor, constructs, battle mechs, they all started as an idea on this planet."
"Vortians must be pretty smart then, considering their technology helped your people rule the galaxy."
"Don't be mistaken, the best ideas were made by Irkens, like myself, which is why we took over this planet fairly easily. Since then, this is Irk's most heavily guarded colony, which is why I wanted to avoid this planet."
"Because we aren't strong enough."
"Yes, we're smart enough, my brain power is so grand that I, Zim, was banished from this planet for my genius, but in terms of strength, even I can admit our crew is lacking."
"Banished? So if we get captured would they even recognize you?"
"It matters not, even if they don't recognize me, the Irken guards would still lock us up for even stepping foot on this planet."
"Great, if I don't bleed out then I'll get imprisoned." Zim stopped in his tracks. "Zim?"
He motioned Gaz to be quiet. He heard a faint muffle in the room. Gaz eventually heard it and found the source. It came from the dining area, from a food storage unit that fell over. Flailing around it were the limbs of their Fefian comrade. Zim put Gaz down and lifted the storage unit with all his might, lifting it just enough for Gaz to pull Kor out.
"I must've been stuck under there for hours," Kor looked at Zim and Gaz and how they both had visual injuries. She saw the state of the Dibship and assumed the situation. "I thought that after crashing so many times you would've learned how to at least crash without destroying the ship."
"I do not need your snark, Tinkerer," Zim said. The trio continued down the ship to search for Dib and the others. Zim explained to Kor the details of what he knew so far during their search. They checked Dib's room and found nothing, leaving just the last room, the training room. They found a mess in the room, most of the dummies were sliced up and scattered, debris everywhere, however, what stood out was the large hole in the ship to the outside. They walked out, assuming that Dib, Daj, and Kry would be there, what they found shocked them.
Vort was in ruins. Not far from where they crashed they saw collapsed buildings, hollowed out and without any signs of life. Laser-burns everywhere, and even the bodies of Irken and Vort alike sprawled on the ground.
"I thought you said this was Irk's most heavily guarded colony," Gaz said.
"It was," Zim answered. He recognized the area they were in. It was where he was stationed when he used to work on Vort. He recognized the buildings that were now toppled and cracked, he recognized the pathways that he used to take, he remembered how this was the heart of Vort.
The sound of a laser charging caused him to turn around. He saw Dib, Daj, and Kry, all unconscious, all bound and gagged. Gaz and Kor also turned around and looked at the figure before them. Zim and Gaz only gave the female being a hateful glare and she spoke.
"You're a bigger fool than I ever imagined, Zim."