Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters or ideas from The Killing. It's all just for fun.
Spoilers: Season 4, episode 1
They're sitting on the stairs outside Linden's house, going over what they have so far on the Stansburys. Linden claims that she slept since he last saw her, but from looking at her, Holder's guessing that it's unlikely. If anything, she looks worse than she did before.
Holder, on the other hand, after getting home from Caroline's and tossing and turning for a while, had finally managed to sleep for a few hours. It's as though those few hours worked some miracle on him, and he woke up more refreshed than he has felt in a long time. He can't explain why, but he's feeling good about things for the first time in ages. He's trying not to focus on the terrifying parts of any of the things that are happening in his life, and so far, it's working.
He's already mentioned it to her, and he's still really hoping that Linden will take a shower before they get in the car together again. She definitely needs it, and besides, who knows how long it'll be before she gets another chance, the way this case is going.
"So Kyle killed his family, got rid of the gun, then got another gun and shot himself? That doesn't make sense," Linden muses aloud.
"Unless someone staged the suicide," Holder interjects. They always play devil's advocate for each other.
Linden looks at the file and reads from it. "Glock at the scene had Kyle's prints on the grip and… a partial palm print, unidentified."
"We never found the second weapon in the house," Holder reminds her.
"They've got that beachfront. We should get divers out in the water," Linden says, thinking aloud. She doesn't see Holder flinching just the tiniest bit, involuntarily, when she mentions divers in the water. Or maybe it's only in his head that he reacts as he has a flashback to Skinner's car, now in Lake Sawyer thanks to him. He pushes past the thought quickly. After all, it's behind them. He keeps his face calm.
"Already done, mamacita," he tells her proudly.
Haven't heard him use that one in a long time, Linden thinks. Then it dawns on her. He's actually… happy this morning.
"Even minus my joe with a kiss of hemp milk, I'm a 1-900-Rockstar." Speaking of which, he thinks, we need to stop for some coffee on our way in.
Linden smiles slightly in amusement at him. "You're in a good mood this morning," she tells him.
"That I am," Holder replies with a smile.
"You want me to ask you why?" She's genuinely curious. Suddenly, he's like a whole different person. He's certainly not the one who's been growling at her the past few days. Not that she hasn't been just as foul-tempered, of course.
"Sun's out, got my smokes, and a murder case worth working," he tells her.
She smiles at him, amused, but the main thing she feels when confronted with the man in front of her is confusion.
How can he be so damn… happy? How is that even possible, when the shit surrounding us hasn't gone away? It's not going to go away? Sure, we're safe for the moment, but that could change any time.
Yes, she's trying her best to keep it together and go minute by minute, but happy? No, at the moment she doesn't think she'll ever feel happy again. If she's ever really even felt it before, of course.
The seemingly huge disparity in their moods makes her feel very, very far away from him, regardless of the fact that he's right there on the steps with her. It makes sense, though, when she thinks about it. He has a pretty good life, that is, when his screw-up partner isn't fucking it up for him. He's respected in the department now, he's gotten himself clean and stayed that way. He has Caroline and his sister and his nephew in his life, even if the relationship between him and his sister isn't the strongest. Still, it's true what he said. He does have reasons to be happy.
She's glad that he is, really. He deserves it. He's a good guy, and he's overcome a lot.
She has that sensation again, the feeling of falling off a cliff with nothing to grab onto. He can't help her. And if he can't help her, no one can help her. No one else comes close… no one else even tries.
She's determined not to let the turmoil show on her face. This kind of stuff – her feelings, her insecurities – this is the stuff she's used to keeping bottled up, so it's easier for her than the shit she's been trying to hide lately about Skinner. She manages to keep smiling at Holder in amusement, hoping that that's all he sees. Because it's not a lie – not completely, at least. She really is amused by him, and she's genuinely happy for him. It's just that seeing him happy makes her feel even more alone.
She's not even sure why she so desperately wants to hide her feelings from him… he's the only one who gets her, after all, and by now he knows more about her than anyone else ever has. If anyone would understand, it's him. But there's nothing he can do, so what's the point? No, she doesn't need to be told that "it's okay." None of it's okay, so it would just be a lie anyway. Besides, this is something he won't understand. He's not alone like she is. It's so much easier not to admit that anything's bothering her and just go on with things.
No, it's definitely better if she keeps it to herself.
So she looks at him, smiling slightly and ignoring the tsunami inside her, and asks, "What about the piano? We get any prints on the inside or any of those cut up strings?" It's easier to steer the conversation back towards work. It's what they usually talk about anyway.
"No," he says, accepting her shifting the topic of conversation, "it was cut a long time ago. It's all dust up all up in there. It's impossible to get a print."
Then Holder's phone rings, and he puts his cigarette in his mouth so that he can retrieve his phone from his pocket.
"Detective Holder." There's a pause while he listens to the person on the other end, then he says, "He's awake?"
Linden doesn't need to be told what that call is about. Without waiting for Holder to finish talking, she closes the file and stands up, walking up the stairs. Before they go back to talk to Kyle, she'd better get that shower that Holder advised her to take, which means she needs to get a move on. It's good, because she can keep herself busy with work and not think about the rest of it, the stuff that hurts to think about.
…
"Everyone makes mistakes." His words hang heavy in the air of their office. They've both made big ones lately, some much bigger and more serious than others. Not to mention all the big mistakes they've both made in the past. Yes, there's a lot behind his simple sentence, which was allegedly in reference to the Stansburys. She's not looking at him – she's working on something at her desk – and he wonders if she even hears what he's saying, the meaning behind the actual words. He thinks she does, but then, she spaces out sometimes.
Holder stares into space off to the side, his left arm propped up on his desk and his back facing the wall that their desks are pushed against, looking at the opposite wall. His mind is on work, for the most part anyway, trying to figure out what it is that they're missing in the Stansbury case. The shit about Linden shooting Skinner and Caroline being pregnant are blissfully pushed most of the way out of his mind, at least for this moment.
Their office is silent, and yet, each of them is comforted by the other's presence. They've spent a lot of time this way during the time they've worked together, both in this office and in that cramped, smelly car.
Of course, because the silence is so soothing, Reddick chooses that moment to appear, asking them if they're coming to Tikki Tavern for the $4.99 lunch special. Predictably, Linden declines, but Holder decides to go with him. Why the hell not? They're a little stuck right now, still trying to come up with the next lead, the next idea, their next move. And besides, he needs to eat.
Carl's a good guy as far as Holder's concerned. They worked together for the year after Linden disappeared after the Rosie Larsen case, and they got along fine. Holder knows that Linden and Reddick don't get along though, so he's not surprised when she says no to lunch. He wishes she'd join them, but knows there's no changing her mind. If she'd just ease up a little… but that's Linden. Intense, pretty much all the time.
Holder pauses in the doorway and looks at her. She's doing it again, he can tell. Being Linden. In other words, shutting down, pushing the world away. To some extent, it's how she works a case. There's a lot that goes on in her head, he knows, and sometimes it's where she gets her best ideas from… from processing things on her own. She wasn't pleased when they'd first started working together, hadn't wanted to have to work with anyone else. She's gotten much better at thinking out loud and working as a team over time, though. These days, they're a pretty damn good team… when one of them isn't having a nervous breakdown, of course.
And yet, he wonders if that's all that's going on beyond just normal Linden processing information. God knows there's enough things that could potentially be bothering her. She's been holding herself together a little better today, all things considered, but there's something new there too. That calm she's showing, there's more of a sadness to it.
He can tell that she doesn't want him to see it, but he does. He always notices when she pulls away. She doesn't think he does, maybe, doesn't want him to, but he does. And what can he do? He wants to help her, but how do you help someone who refuses to be helped? So he gives her space, knowing that pushing her too hard only makes her retreat further. The only way that he can see to help her, to be allowed to be there for her, is if he doesn't push her.
She half smiles at him as he leaves with Reddick, but says nothing, wondering if he sees right through the act that she puts on. There are lots of times where she gets the feeling that he does, that he can look at her and just know that she's only pretending to be fine, but that for some reason, he doesn't call her on it. At least not every time, because there are some times when he does.
Or maybe it's just her imagination. Maybe she just wants to believe that he sees through her, down to the sadness below the facade, because she wants so desperately for it to be true. The half-smile that she gives him as he pauses in the door way, it's genuine. She wishes that she could be a person who could just go out for lunch with her coworkers, who could let things go and make small talk and not ruin every good thing that comes her way. Alas, that seems to be exactly what she does, each and every time, at least in her mind.
She watches the two men walk down the hall and out of sight, then stands up and takes the Stansbury family picture off Holder's desk, sitting back down. She stares at the picture of the allegedly happy family, willing the faces in the picture to speak to her. To tell her what they're missing, because she knows that they're missing something important.
And just like that, she's engrossed in work again, and the rest of it melts away. She feels lighter, less burdened… Safe.
And completely alone. As always, she tells herself that it's better that way.
…
There's something about the last visit with Kyle at the hospital that leaves Linden unsettled.
It's not that he isn't doing well, because he is. He's getting ready to be discharged, in fact. Every time she talks to him, he seems to be doing better, all things considered. Oddly enough, the thing that rattles her isn't the scar that runs along the whole side of his head, or the brutal way that his whole family was killed. What bothers her is the conversation the two of them had about the book he's reading, East of Eden. It left her… what's the word? She's not nervous, not upset, just… she can't really describe it. The whole thing just hit too close to home, and try as she might, she can't get it out of her mind.
She had also read that same book in high school, though it's been years now, so she doesn't remember all the details. He says the book's about trying to find your way back home to Eden, about never belonging anywhere. Her heart hurts for this boy who, even without remembering what happened to him the night he was shot, seems to have been lost for far longer than the period of his missing memories extends. Maybe he didn't actually want to remember, which she could also relate to. She wished that she didn't have to remember lots of things.
Kyle had told her that he missed his little sister. In reply, Linden had told him that she knows what it's like to miss someone… and she certainly does know what that's like. She's been missing Jack ever since she sent him to Chicago to live with his father. But even more than that, she misses all of the people she has driven out of her life.
Well, that's not quite right. She doesn't necessarily miss those exact people. They may have been nice enough people, really, but they didn't understand, didn't get it… didn't get her. It isn't that she wishes she had those particular people into her life. Not exactly. She just wishes that there was someone, that she could let someone…
Let them what? she asks herself. But it's just not that simple, because she doesn't know.
She looks down at her kitchen table in front of her, flattens her hands against the wood and spreads out her fingers, staring at them. Her eyes shift up only slightly from her hands, and land on the gun and two shell casings sitting nearby. She closes her eyes and breathes in deeply, trying to be somewhere else. To be someone else.
What it comes down to is that she just wishes that she didn't feel so alone… and she realizes how ironic that wish is, because she's very aware that she's the reason that she's alone. She knows that she does it to herself; sabotages everything, burns it all to the ground. Still, she hates it. There had just been something about talking to Kyle that had been a painful reminder of everything that she wanted to forget, because yes, she knows that feeling all too well.
It's bad enough that she feels it, but to see it reflected back at her from this boy… it's almost more than she can bear. She would do almost anything to take that pain away from him, even if it meant adding to her already crushing burden.
She takes a deep breath and opens her eyes, once again staring at her hands, which haven't moved. She and Holder are going to figure this out, solve this case. She may not be able to do anything else for Kyle, but she can do that much.
She almost jumps out of her skin a few seconds later when her phone buzzes in her pocket. Her attention snaps back to the present time as she flips it open and lifts it to her ear. "Linden," she answers quickly, aware that her voice sounds slightly hollow. She hadn't even bothered to glance at the caller ID.
"Yo, Linden, you on your way?" It's Holder. She feels herself relax, even as she glances at her watch and swears to herself. They're supposed to meet at the Stansbury house shortly to check on the divers' progress, and she's going to be late.
"Uh, yeah," she replies, jumping up hastily and grabbing her jacket. "On my way."
"At least be honest and tell me that you're just now leaving," he says, pretending to be mad. She rolls her eyes at him, even though he can't see her. He just knows her too well, and a tiny hint of a smile appears on her lips at the thought.
"Shut up, Holder, you don't know what you're talking about," she replies, but in a tone that she knows he'll recognize and take to mean exactly the opposite. She hears him chuckle on the other end of the line.
"Alright then, Linden, I'll see you over there soon, since you're already on your way." She can hear the smile in his voice as he emphasizes the last part, and can't help but smile herself.
"Right, bye." She closes her phone without waiting for a response, tossing it back in her pocket. She's already out the front door and locking up, down the steps and in the car before she realizes that the oppressive feeling she'd been suffering from as she sat and thought about Kyle, as though someone was compressing her chest, had lifted from her. She makes the connection, but refuses to acknowledge it. Just the fact that she makes the connection terrifies her, because it's just not something she ever allows herself to do.
She clears her mind, forcing the thoughts to the back and focusing on the task at hand. The Stansburys. The divers. Kyle. Even Skinner and the gun sitting on her kitchen table, just for good measure. Because as overwhelming as all of that is, it's easier than dealing with the thing that scares her most of all.
Hope.