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Chapter Nine: What The Heart Knows But The Mind Does Not
"What is wrong with her? She's acting completely mad." Gloin asked as Kili and Fili moved to haul the woman into a chair; which she slumped rather haphazardly in.
"Three things would cause such an effect. She's either drunk, eaten far too many mushrooms or she was given Svülin." Gandalf peered down at the woman, looking rather amused by this predicament yet a tinge of worry was held in his eyes.
"Svülin?" Bilbo asked.
"Yes, it's a rather foul plant that grows in the slums of the Misty Mountains, nasty little devil but effective. Heals broken bones in a snap but I can tell you this, the process is anything but pleasant." Gandalf explained.
"So she's under the effect of this plant?" Thorin asked, stealing several glances towards the woman, a shimmer of worry in his blue eyes.
"Oh no, she's dealing with the after effects. Vomiting, dizziness, hot flashes and that's just the physical effects not the mental. It'll begin with lying and then she'll become vicious, unreasonable and violent. Basically like the normal woman." Gandalf chuckled heartily at the last bit.
"Great, how long is this supposed to last?" Dwalin growled.
"Don't worry, the effects should wear off before night fall but it's the time between then that I worry about." Gandalf murmured the last bit mostly to himself.
Lian let out a groan, lifting a hand to press against her throbbing forehead, why was everything spinning? Where was she again? All she knew was that her head was killing her, it felt like a thousand horses had stampeded over her skull.
"Lian, dear, are you alright?" Gandalf asked with great caution.
"I…think so. I feel a bit hot." She mumbled, running her fingers through her hair with a frustrated sigh, she was more than just a bit hot, she was burning up.
"Perhaps you should lay down for a while." Gandalf suggested but she waved him away, standing from her chair with a crack of her neck. "I'm going to go sharpen my sword." She paused after she spoke, a frazzled expression upon her as she turned to leave the house.
Once she had closed the door the company turned towards Gandalf. "I see nothing wrong with the lass, you sure about those effect?" Oin grumbled in doubt.
"Fools, can't even see the most simplest of lies. She has no sword to sharpen." Gandalf shook his head, turning away from the company and walking away for some peace of mind.
Lian stopped at the stone wall around Beorn's house, sitting upon a large bolder to think as the leaves sway around her, falling gently to the forest floor in the autumn breeze. Why had she lied about sharpening her sword? She didn't even own a sword and if felt quite dumb on her part. The lie had just flowed off her tongue naturally and this set an uneasy feeling in her gut. Was this one of the effects Beorn had told her about?
Running her fingers once more through her hair she huffed, feeling like she was about to suffocate in her own skin as waves of heat sporadically flared up, rolling over her flesh as if she was her own hearth. The heat only seemed to make her angrier and angrier, soon enough she felt enraged for no apparent reason.
She let out a frustrated cry as she kicked a stray tree branch with the overwhelming want, the need to hurt something, to inflict pain and make someone as miserable as she felt that moment. The boiling heat that festered underneath her flesh was unbearable and she let out another enraged cry, throwing her axe into a nearby tree. She went on, swinging her mace into random trees until she was too tired to continue.
She felt like peeling her skin off her bones, the heat was too much, sent her mad to the point of being angry at everything. Only when she was too tired to inflict harm on anything else did the heat break through to allow the autumn breeze to cool her flesh and clear her mind.
Panting, she clenched her fingers numbly around her mace when the trees wavered before her as she tried to remain up right. Everything was tilting and turning, making her stumble from side to side in an attempt to stay balanced.
She stumbled once more to her right, dropping her mace as she caught herself against one of the great oak trees; her stomach beginning to quiver on its own accord and she groaned. A lump quickly rose in her throat as she panted, a sudden sheen of sweat breaking out on her skin as heat radiated off her in waves once more.
Suddenly she doubled over, vomiting upon the foot of the tree and successfully emptying her stomach until she could do nothing else but dry heave. Slowly she sank to her knees after the worst of the nausea had passed, shivers of wracking her body as she panted, trying to calm the churning in her belly.
"I'm going mad." She breathed to herself, squeezing her eyes shut as another up rise of vomit tried to spill out but she swallowed it back; a somewhat metallic taste filling her mouth.
"No, just a bit ill." Gandalf chuckled, approaching the woman who only looked over weakly, too tired to do much more than that.
"Is this the side effect to that cursed medicine?" She groaned.
Indeed, it will pass before nightfall though, I assure you." He placed a hand upon her shoulder with a sympathetic smile. "I do have something I wish to talk to you about though in your moment of clarity." He said with a solemn expression and Lian noticed when he said 'moment of clarity' ensuring she'd have another fit.
She looked up at the wizard, eyebrow raised tiredly. "What would that be?"
"It's about Thorin." The wizard frowned and this piqued her interest enough for her to forget her previous exhaustion. The dwarf has been acting a bit strange towards her, distancing himself but not in the same hostile manner as in Rivendell. Actually he was being quite gentle towards her and she wasn't sure if that should worry her more or not.
"He has been acting strange as of lately, I worry that he's hiding something important." She voiced her worries.
"It has importance in a different sort of manner than what you're thinking." Gandalf explained. "He's conflicted, never was he one to handle such matters very well, especially when it's his own feelings. It is a shock for the prideful dwarf."
"I don't understand. What is a shock?" Lian hissed, beginning to become annoyed with the discreet way he put it.
"That, my friend, is not my place to say." The wizard hummed and this seemed to make her snap once more in a fit of rage. She let out a growl, taking a stand with in a new bout a rage and strode away from the wizard to the house, grabbing her mace and axe on the way.
"Oh dear." She heard Gandalf say from behind her but she ignored him as anger boiled once more inside her, festering in the very pits of her stomach like scalding coals.
She threw the heavy door open with more force than necessary, startling the company beyond their wits as they turned to watch the fuming woman stalk towards them.
"What did you do?" Bofur hissed to Kili.
"I didn't do anything!" Kili immediately defended but she doesn't pay them any mind, her eyes locked upon Thorin; who stood from his leaning position on the post at her entrance.
"Tell me what's been wrong with ya, now!" She bellowed, harshly grabbing the dwarf by his collar and lifting his sturdy form slightly off the ground and to eye level. It made the group realize just how much taller she was than their leader, usually the company didn't notice considering she was short for a human.
"Stay back, you fools!" Gandalf snapped when many of the dwarves tried to come close to pry her away from their leader, unwillingly watching as she held the dwarf off the ground.
"I don't speak to those who do not see sense." He bit out, eyes narrowed and chin jutted out proudly.
"Sense? Sense?! Ya speak of sense as if ya have any!" She snapped, fists clenching tighter around his collar.
"Look at yourself! You're half crazed! You can't even think properly much less make sense of what you're doing! You lack any discipline!" He roared suddenly, causing her grip to loosen as she stepped back, slightly stunned as her anger subsided momentarily.
"You wear your emotions so carelessly upon your sleeve and expect others to do the same. You're nothing more than a child. The day I tell you what goes through my mind is the day you stop and think instead of carelessly doing as you please!" He finished with a snarl, nostrils flared.
Anger flared back up, the woman snapping her hand up prepared to back hand the dwarf but she stopped, hurt suddenly completely overshadowed her anger and she lowered her hand with clenched fists. Swiftly she turned, striding out of the house and the afternoon light flooded in momentarily as Lian opened and closed the door; silence so thick upon the company that you could almost cut it with a knife. All eyes were glued to Thorin; who was still panting from his heated outburst, eyes dark with anger as he leaned once more against the pillar.
The company settled down a bit farther away from Thorin, giving the dwarf his space while whispering quietly amongst themselves.
"Well done, Thorin. You've managed to make matters go from fine to dreadful all at once." Gandalf snapped at the dwarf.
"She's the one that started this." Thorin hissed, appalled that the blame was falling back on him.
"You knew she wasn't in her right mind, she can't control the effects of Svülin more than you can control your temper!"
"Are you saying that my anger was unreasonable?" Thorin pursed his lips into a scowl at this.
"I'm saying that you could have handled that a lot better than you did. I'm honestly surprised she didn't try and kill you! I've seen the strongest of men kill their own kin under the effects of Svülin! That's what makes it so deadly!" Gandalf growled.
"Child she may be but she if more capable then you give her credit for, you're lucky she had already spent the vast majority of her anger already, Thorin Oakenshield." And with that Gandalf turned to sit with the rest of the company, leaving the dwarf fuming at the outcome of the days events.
Thorin's anger simmered down rather quickly, turning into annoyance then frustration and then guilt. He had been a bit harsh even to his own standards; he had lashed out instinctively, taking the opportunity to vent out his previous frustrations on the woman.
Though she had indeed been the first to lash out, he knew it was not of her own accord as much as the effects of that accursed plant. This made him suspect that the Skin-Changer had given her it as a way to kill the dwarves he hated but he quickly banished the idea.
Thorin finally ended up sighing, knowing that nothing will make him feel any better aside from the obvious and most dreaded. Apologizing.
Few times did he ever do it and usually the matter would have to build up to almost unbearable before he would. He knew that his kin greatly disapproved of his outburst towards her and they probably wouldn't hold him in the best graces if he didn't fix it.
More than anything though he was disturbed, the look of hurt on her face after his outburst tugged at his chest painfully. He'd seen that expression upon her face the night he decided to take Dwalin's night watch, he didn't know why but he had been pulled in by the soft glow of her cheek under the fires glow.
He had curiously trailed his fingers along her cheekbone, planning to pull away then but his hand refused as it ventured into her locks smoothly; feeling like velvet to the touch.
An involuntary shiver had ran up his spine at the feeling and not being able to stop himself he had massaged fistfuls of her rich locks; the faint scent of peppermint tickling his nose along with the pleasant feeling of her soft hair. He knew the scent as he had caught several whiffs of it along their travel.
He was startled beyond his wits when she had spoken a strange name though, thinking her to be awake but he noticed her half lidded eyes were glazed over in a dream like state. He had hesitantly continued stroking her hair, wondering how long he'd be able to get away with it before he was caught.
He was even more shocked that she had proceeded to carry on dreamily, her voice thick with sleep, sounding almost whimsical to his ears. He couldn't help but enjoy the rich sound of her voice, low enough to almost be a hum but still holding a feminine pitch to it. Her voice had taken a sad note though and he didn't know what to do, she was obviously sleep talking and he was afraid of waking her so he stayed silent.
Tears had begun to run down her face, looking almost heartbroken as she spoke of her fears to never feel love. This had stirred a feeling deep within him, her face suddenly made him feel like he should have taken her in his arms right then and there. Like he should have promised her the world as if it was his job, no, his meaning in the world to bring her every joy possible.
He had covered her eyes instead though, not being able to bare the utter look of sorrow upon her face, it made him hurt and caused his heart do the most oddest of things.
And now he saw that look on her face yet again, only this time he was the one to blame for it. He had not been able to wrap his head around his feelings ever since that night and knew that she would see that he was upset. She always seemed to see past his barriers and this disturbed him, made him uncomfortable so he had once again distances himself from her.
It felt ridiculous. Never before had someone, much less a woman, caused him to feel so unsure of himself. It was maddening.
Thorin left the house, wandering around inside the stone walls of Beorn's land until he reached an area completely torn apart. Trees were littered with fresh marks, the obvious effects of a blunt object with splinters of wood decorated the ground along with the smell of freshly slit wood.
This obviously must have been Lian's handy work and he shook his head with a low sigh.
Lian had heard the sigh from her position on one of the trees, looking down to see Thorin standing below her in the afternoon light. He obviously hadn't noticed her yet and she watched as he looked around, not sure if he was looking for her or not.
The effects had worn off and she noticed it as soon as it did, her body feeling lighter than before and her eye sight more focused as immense guilt washed over her, the events from only an hour ago replying in her mind in horror.
"What is it ya need?" She finally decided to ask, tiring of her silence as the dwarf looked up at her. He raised an eyebrow at her choice of hiding, finding the whole demeanor rather childish.
"I'd feel more inclined to tell you if you were down here." Thorin called up at her, causing her chin to jut out rather stubbornly. She felt like a child about to be scolded and this only made matters worse for her and the urge to rebel stronger.
Thorin was indeed right, she was a child and no matter how much she tried to deny it; it would always be a fact. No matter how hard she tried she'd still be a child in his eyes and nothing more, the idea of this made her heart tug, bothering her far more than it should.
"Only to be scolded like a child? No thank ya." She huffed, her pride not willing her to show how horrible she felt for her actions.
Thorin sighed once more, taking a seat at the base of the tree; the sun disappearing beyond the horizon for the moon to take it's place in the sky, stars twinkling above the canopy of colorful autumn leaves as they come out.
"Who's Falian?" Thorin asked.
Lian stiffened, peeking down to see the dwarfs dark mane splayed over his shoulders underneath her. "How do ya know that name?" She breathed, almost too quietly for Thorin to hear.
"You spoke it while you slept." He answered simply. Not willing to tell her what else she had said during her sleep.
"Oh…" She pursed her lips, staring down at her worn leather boots before answering. "He's the dwarf that gave me my axe." She murmured.
"Dwarf?" Thorin looked up, rather surprised by this new information of her mysterious friend, several things suddenly clicking together. "Aye, he was my dearest friend, like a second father to me." She hummed.
"Didn't you say he died when you were fourteen?" He asked, struggling to remember the bits of conversation he had heard about the dwarf.
"Aye, a pack of wolves found him and by the time I got there to help him fend them off it was too late. He was very wise but had a temper on him…ya remind me a lot of him. Prideful and always trying to hide behind anger."
Thorin pursed his lips at this, a small scowl adoring his rugged features as he debated on taking her comment as an insult or not.
"I worry for ya Thorin. I wish ya would tell someone yer troubles, I know the weight of them is great." She spoke, her tone taking a sorrowful note and Thorin felt his heart tug at her concern for him.
Lian slipped down from the tree, and knelt down before the dwarf leader as he peered up at her, blue eyes swirling with mixed emotions.
Before she can think twice she reached her hand forward, brushing wispy strands of black and silver out of his face and trailing her fingers lightly down his cheek. Their eyes suddenly lock in an intense stare, sparks once more crackling between them like static in the air as she felt her heart leap.
"I am sorry for what I did. I wasn't right sane…everything was chaotic." She held a pleading note in her voice, guilt clear in the green eyes before the dwarf. She knew she could no longer hold her true feelings back despite her pride, the dwarf always seemed to break down her walls before they were even halfway built.
"I knew this, I too am sorry." He murmured with his own guilt shining back. Lian looked down; breaking eye contact to stare at her clenched fists in shame and embarrassment. His stare held such a passion in it, making her stomach flutter unnaturally; she didn't know how to properly face him without feeling like a fool.
He was unlike any man she'd ever met, strong, capable and by no means perfect but somehow his imperfections only melted her heart more. She could by no means think of him on the same level as the blubbering fools who attempted to court her, shying towards her in hopes of a chance. Lian know felt a little guilty for how she'd treated them now that she was on the opposite side of the line.
A gentle nudge to her chin forced her to look up, sparkling green meeting swirling blue. "Never look down, you are above such things." He whispered and Lian felt her heart do flips in her chest as she stared into the dwarfs eyes.
She felt like her breathe had been taken away, her heart leaping in joy that he held her in such a high regard. Her lip quivered lightly, not in fear but from the immense waves of emotion rolling throughout the very core of her person at that very moment.
"Thorin." She suddenly breathed, his name feeling like some forbidden fruit upon her tongue as heat crept into her cheeks under his intense gaze. Thorin raised his hand, gingerly brushing the pad of his thumb against the soft flesh of her bottom lip as he parted his lips to say something.
"Seriously?!"
Lian snapped back, her eyes going wide as her heart suddenly stop and then pick up again in an erratic pace in her chest. There stood Kili with an absolute look of horror and disgust twisting his face.
"You? And him? Together?!" He yelled, almost in a shrill like voice.
"Kili, it isn't like that." Lian quickly tried to deny, standing quickly to try and clear up what he had saw but then again, what had he saw? She herself hadn't even been quite sure what was happening.
"Oh, I've heard that one before! Just…no!" He threw his arms up at the end, turning to storm back into the house.
"Oh no." She groaned, covering her face with her hands at the sheer embarrassment she felt, never had this sort of thing occurred or even anything close.
"He thinks that we're lovers now!" She moaned, feeling mortified yet the thoughts of them as lovers sent a flutter through her stomach. She was half tempted to punch herself in the gut to cover up the now seemingly frequent feeling.
Silence fell upon the pair, Lian too absorbed in her own thoughts to notice Thorin move towards her until she felt his warm hand on her shoulder, the warmth seeming to sear through her clothes unnaturally. She was so aware of him now, she couldn't ignore him now even if she wanted to.
"We should head back inside." He said rather gruffly.
She simply nodded, walking with him back to the house in silence, completely frazzled at this turn of events but disappointed that they didn't finish. She didn't know how to handle it at all, she wasn't prepared and completely caught off guard.
They enter the house; which was eerily quiet for some reason, only to see dwarves laying upon the ground, snoring rather loudly in odd positions.
"What happened here?" Thorin asked Gandalf who sat in a rocking chair smoking his pipe.
"They were becoming far too rowdy so I simply settled them down for the night. You can thank me later." He hummed, taking a deep drag of smoke and exhaling deeply.
Lian doesn't waste time and quickly took her own place on the floor, covering her head with her hood as she curled into a ball. It took several minutes for the warmth to finally settle down in her cheeks, her mind scrambled in chaos.
Her stomach fluttered crazily at the idea of her and Thorin being lovers, it was so impossible and completely outrageous. It sent a fire to her cheeks once more that she wished would go away, she felt like some dazzled maiden who was swept off her feet.
No, she refused for anything of the sorts to happen or to be misunderstood as such. Thorin didn't even think of her like that, he even said she was a child, no different than his nephews in his eyes. Nothing was between them, he simply thought of her as an ally or even like a niece.
But she couldn't seem to think of him as a father or uncle, even brother. Everything about him screamed male, it demanded her attention and she had no other choice but accept that he was indeed a male. And one that she found to be far too attractive for his and her own good.
Lian sighed, giving up on reasoning with her thoughts and heart all at once, choosing instead to rest, heaven knows that tomorrow will be chaotic.
How Kili's feeling right now:
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