Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters or ideas from The Killing. It's all just for fun.

Spoilers: Season 4, episode 6

For once on this case, something has gone right, and Linden's driving through the gray, cloudy day to St. George's, satisfied with the knowledge that they finally have a warrant to search the school, and not just a strong hunch that they're right. She doesn't know how it will go when she meets up with Holder there, but she supposes it can't get too much worse than it already is, especially when they're going to be busy with the search. She tells herself that the twinge of pain that she feels when she thinks about the ruins of what used to be their friendship doesn't matter. None of it matters. Now if only she could make herself believe it.

Still, as much as she tries to deny that she feels anything about any of it, Kyle's words still ring in her head. Somehow this teenage boy who barely knows her at all has seen right through her, and it has shaken her up considerably. She'd just been trying to soothe his fears about the other cadets – the ones he'd said had been trying to kill him – finding him at her house, which was almost completely secluded from the rest of the world. "No one is going to find you here, Kyle," she'd told him.

That's when he'd looked at her as if he could see straight through all of it – every wall she'd ever put up – and asked her "Is that why you're here? So no one will find you?" The shock she'd felt at hearing those words was undeniable. Was that why she chose to live out there, so far removed from society? No, of course not. That was silly. She'd moved out there because… it was peaceful. The pace of life was a little slower. She'd needed to get some distance between herself and her 24/7 job. The land was beautiful there.

But it was bullshit, all of it, and she knew it. The part that scared her was that Kyle was right. She had moved out there so that no one would find her – or so that it'd been a lot harder, anyway. It was easier to accept being alone when there weren't people all around everywhere. When she was surrounded by people and yet still alone, the difference was more glaring. Out there, where she lived, being alone was just easier.

I'm not hiding, she told herself furiously.

Right, of course you're not, her inner voice answered sarcastically. The same way you're delighted to be alone.

I don't need them, she replied indignantly, referring to people in general. She'd always prided herself on not needing anyone. It made things easier, since there had never been anyone who was there for her anyway. That is, except…

Again, she pushed his name from her mind. She was so very angry with him. Try as she might, however, she didn't seem to be able to convince herself that she wasn't hurt by his betrayal.

That's funny, her inner voice replied sarcastically, considering how you treated him. If anyone should be angry at anyone, he should be angry with you.

She pushed the voice from her mind, refusing to acknowledge that it was right.

No, if she didn't need anyone, she saved herself the pain of needing someone who wasn't there. Because what she had learned from painful experience was that even if someone was there for her once or twice, no matter what they may promise, it never lasted.

In the end, everyone leaves, she thought sadly. Wasn't that enough of a reason to try to go where no one would find her? To save herself the pain? Sighing sadly, she forced her thoughts back to the case and focused on the road.

…

Linden's sitting at the bottom of the stairs outside the main building at St. George's. The view is breathtakingly beautiful there, everything lush and green, in stark contrast to the constant numbness that she feels. For once the rain has stopped and she sits, her arms resting loosely on her knees, leaning forward slightly, looking at the ground. So much of their standoff with Margaret Raine had hit home with her, and it's hard to process it all. It's hard to understand the choices that the other woman has made, and yet at the same time it's painfully easy. Just when Linden thinks nothing can push her farther emotionally, something does. She's to the point where she doesn't know how much more she can take before she snaps the way Margaret had, and it scares her.

Holder walks slowly out of the building and sees Linden at the bottom of the steps. He's angry with her, and yet… because he knows her so well, he know that the scene they've just witnessed with Col. Raine has pushed her past her breaking point. In spite of everything, he can't quite give up his role as the one who pulls her back from the edge, no matter how broken it feels like they are. It's fucked up, he knows, but he feels badly that things have gone the way they have with them, and despite everything he wants to help her. It probably makes me a goddamn idiot, he thinks, but so be it.

He stops at the top of the stairs for a second, watching her sit frozen in place, then begins walking down the steps slowly towards her.

"Hey, Linden."

His voice isn't his own, she thinks. He sounds different. Or maybe it's me that's different. Or maybe it's both of us. Because we're broken. She doesn't turn around.

Holder wonders why she doesn't answer. He wonders if it's because she's stuck inside her own head, or if it's because she's just that angry with him, or if there's something else entirely. With Linden, there's an equal chance that it's any of those things.

Slowly, he keeps walking down the steps behind her. "Linden."

She knows that she should at least answer him. Her brain is attempting to give the order, but there's mutiny somewhere between her brain and her vocal cords, and the order isn't carried out. Even she doesn't quite know why she isn't answering him. Just leave me alone, Holder, she thinks. All I do is break things. Don't you see that yet? Just go. But of course, she has said all this in her head, so he can't hear her. All he knows is that she still hasn't moved.

"Let's go pick up Kyle," Holder tells her, and waits for her reaction. She's always been protective of Kyle, and he's not entirely sure how she's going to take the idea of arresting him.

"She confessed," Linden says simply, still staring straight ahead.

"So? She lied." Holder can't believe his ears. Linden wouldn't seriously suggest that they ignore the facts of the case just because she has a connection with Kyle! Would she? She still hasn't so much as turned her head towards him.

Linden's voice is frighteningly calm, Holder thinks. He's accustomed to a lot of things from her, but calm is not one of them. He actually finds it more frightening than when she's upset. "I'm arresting her for the murder of Philip, Linda, Phoebe and Nadine Stansbury," she tells him matter-of-factly.

He looks at her in disbelief. "No, you're not." A challenge has been issued. There's no way he's going to let her do this, no matter what her reasons are. It doesn't matter that Margaret confessed, they all know that she didn't do it.

Linden turns around and looks at Holder then. There's something in her eyes that Holder's not used to seeing there. Her expression is cold, icy even, in a way that it never has been before. Not even when they'd first been working together and Linden obviously couldn't stand him. Not even when they'd fought.

"You're arresting her for those two kids that are lying dead in her office. That's it. She didn't kill the Stansburys." Do I actually have to remind you of the facts in this case? he asks her in his head. Because that's what actually happened. She didn't kill the Stansburys and you know it.

Linden stands up quickly then, turning to face him as she stands. She looks at him almost threateningly. "Don't you touch him."

Holder just stands and looks at her, taken aback. What is wrong with her? This isn't the way the law works, and she knows it. He shakes his head and scoffs, turning around slowly, starting to walk away. What Linden thinks doesn't matter, the facts speak for themselves. The fact is that Margaret Raine wasn't going to be arrested for something she hadn't done. It didn't matter how much Linden wanted Kyle to be innocent. He wasn't.

Without stopping to think about what she's doing, Linden reaches behind her and pulls out her gun, points it at Holder and cocks it. He knows the sound, of course, and he stops, turning around slowly in disbelief. He stares at her, words not coming to him. This isn't really happening, right? he thinks. Linden wouldn't… And yet there she is, standing in front of him with her gun trained on him. She's shaking slightly, he notices.

"You took that shell casing!" she cries accusingly. It all makes sense now, she tells herself frantically.

He just stares at her, still not comprehending what's happening. Linden is pointing her fucking gun at me? Linden? After all I've fucking done for her? So many emotions bubble to the surface at once, he can't sort through them all. Anger. Betrayal. Sadness. Disappointment. Shock. The one thing he doesn't feel is fear – maybe there's too many other feelings there for him to actually feel afraid. She wouldn't…

"What?" There's something about having a gun pointed at him, by his partner, that's making it hard for him to even comprehend her words, much less to follow her logic. Or maybe it's just the fact that there's no logic to what she's saying. Either way, Holder is completely lost. Why the fuck would I do that? his mind demands. I only ever wanted to help you!

Linden's voice is now dripping with accusation. "It was never missing, you took it. It was your insurance in case they ever found out. You'd have proof that I did it." Why didn't I think of this before? she wonders. It makes perfect sense.

Holder keeps staring at her, the look on his face a mixture of so many things. He had wanted to believe that their friendship could be repaired somehow, even though it had felt pretty hopeless, but now he knows… there's nothing left between them. Maybe he'd just been seeing ghosts of their friendship, traces of a past that no longer exist, because he'd wanted to believe there was still a chance. After all, sometimes you see what you want to see. Apparently this was what Linden really thought of him.

"You and Reddick were talking. I saw you." He's watching her break apart before his eyes. Despite the fact that she is the one setting the ashes of their friendship on fire once again, he aches with the knowledge that somehow everything he did for her was simply not enough.

She almost can't get the words out, but she has to say this part out loud. She has to. It's too real inside her head, too loud, taking up too much space and demanding to be let out. "I sh—I should… I should have known you'd leave me too."

Suddenly, all of the emotions swirling in his head are silent. It's as if they've disappeared in a puff of smoke. All of a sudden, all he feels is numb. There's nothing left of this friendship, obviously, nothing he can do for her if she's so determined to kill it, so determined that it was always going to end. He's exhausted from the tsunami that is Sarah Linden and the years of riding the waves of their friendship. Suddenly cast back on dry land, he has never felt so empty as at that moment. He can't summon a single emotion, and wonders if it shows on his face. He just keeps staring at her, in shock.

She points the gun at the ground and groans, suddenly unable to breathe properly. He turns without saying a word and walks up the stairs. At the top of the stairs he turns around and looks back at her. He's never claimed to be perfect, but he had tried with everything inside him to do the right thing, to be a good man, a good friend, a good person… and where had it gotten him? Right here. To the point where his partner and supposed best friend had pointed a gun at him because he refused to ignore the evidence and follow the law. Linden, who he'd thought he'd known, who had always been so passionate about making things right.

It was all a joke, a lie, he realized. Apparently she hadn't wanted to make things right after all. Not according to the law, and not with the only friend she had. That was how much she cared about that goddamn teenager that she'd known for five minutes, the one who'd killing his whole fucking family? She cared about him so much that she was willing to pull a gun on the only person who'd ever been on her side for more than five seconds? Or was that just how little she cared about her only friend? Or was it both? Well fuck that. In the end it didn't matter. All that mattered was that apparently he'd been wrong about her all along.

She was looking out into the field somewhere maybe, doubled over as if she was in pain. He just turned and walked away. There was nothing else he could do, after all. She just stood there, trying to catch her breath, knowing that she has done this, all of it. Knowing that the right thing to do would be to go after him, to at least try to apologize, to make some sort of attempt to salvage their friendship. But what was the use?

Once again, Sarah Linden has set it all on fire, but this time, she has managed to burn not only herself, but also the only person who had ever tried to save her. I really do deserve this pain, she thinks. I really do deserve to be alone.

…

Linden had watched Kyle being pushed through the Stansbury house by a uni, taking him to a squad car that would take him away. She couldn't help but feel like she'd failed him. That's ridiculous, she told herself. He killed his family. He didn't remember doing it for a long time, and he had had a hard, painful life, but that doesn't change anything. He did it. You couldn't do anything to change that. She sighed, knowing that it was the truth, but having trouble accepting it nonetheless.

Eventually, you have to face the truth.

The words echoed through her head. She sat in her car outside the Stansbury house, staring out at the lake ahead of her.

Eventually, you have to face the truth.

The unis who had come looking for Kyle had all left quite some time ago. She'd lost track of time, just sitting there staring ahead of her, too numb to think, to move. What was the point of any of it? She closed her eyes, not moving the rest of her body, just sitting there, still, while the minutes ticked by. There was nothing left for her anywhere.

Eventually, you have to face the truth.

That was when she knew what she had to do. Opening her eyes, her face as blank and empty as she felt inside, she started the car and pulled back out onto the road. As if on autopilot, she drove back into the city, past so many familiar landmarks, places that she had driven by all her life. She felt like she was seeing the city for the first time with different eyes, and yet at the same time, she was seeing it all the other times she'd seen it before, all at once. It was surreal. Maybe this was what happened when your way was suddenly, finally, clear to you. She'd certainly never felt such clarity before this.

Pulling into the parking lot at the station, she silently prayed that Holder wasn't there. He didn't need to be here for this. She'd put him through enough already. It would be better for him, she told herself, that he was finally free of her. Finally, he wouldn't have her ruining his life. Without warning, she felt an ache in her chest. She knew it was what was best for him, that he could finally be free of her, but no matter how she tried to numb herself to how she felt, the loss still stung. She'd never had this problem before. She'd always been able to convince herself that she didn't need anyone… until now. Taking a deep breath, she stepped out of her car, closing the door behind her.

Walking through the hallways of the station that she had walked so many times, she couldn't help but feel like she had never really belonged there at all. She'd just been pretending all this time. It was as though the emptiness inside her was now surrounding her like an ever expanding bubble, consuming everything while threatening to suffocate her. She forced herself to move forward, kept moving until she was standing in the doorway of Reddick's office.

How she loathed this man, though not really for the right reasons. He was a pompous jackass to her a lot of the time, yes. He was lazy and had a poor work ethic, sure. Those were the reasonable reasons to hate him, which she did. However, she also knew that he had figured out what had happened that night with Skinner, and she hated him for that too, though it didn't make any sense. You're the one who did it! she reminded herself. But she hated herself as well, it's just that it hadn't felt like enough.

She stood in the doorway of Reddick's office, leaning tiredly against the doorframe and staring hard at him until he looked up from his computer. He regarded her with interest, wondering what she was doing there. He detested her pretty much as much as she detested him, and there weren't many reasons why she'd voluntarily come to his office.

"Linden," he said dryly. "What do you need?"

She glanced down at the ground, then back up at him, still not speaking, but feeling like her thoughts were suddenly written all over her face.

Reddick studied her carefully for a minute. His gut instinct had been spot on with the Skinner investigation, and he was pretty sure that what Linden had come here to say should be said somewhere more private, more official, than the doorway. He pushed his chair back and stood up, walking slowly around his desk to the doorway where she stood, looking at her intently, wondering if his gut was right again this time.

He stopped in front of her, holding out his hand and gesturing towards the hall behind her. "Shall we?" he asked. She held her hard stare on him for another long minute before moving, then finally stepped back into the hall to let him by. The two of them set off down the hall in the direction of the interrogation rooms without another word.

One thought still echoed in her mind. Eventually, you have to face the truth.