Notes: Several years ago, one of my favorite authors, MaryM47, wrote a very delightful story called "A Tale of Two Lukes." I want to give a tip of the hat to her because that great story inspired me to pick the title for this chapter. (Although there's nothing else similar between the two stories!)
Not only did my fabulous beta Eledgy come up with some intense questions regarding this chapter that helped me to be more consistent and clear, but she also thinks I should warn you that the angst level is upped significantly in this one.
A Tale of Two Eves
Christmas Eve
"You were the best angel there," Luke told Rory as they walked up to the Gilmore's front door.
"Luke, I tripped," Rory pointed out to him forthrightly.
"And that made your wings flutter," he argued. He unlocked the door with his own key and then held it open so the girls could enter. "That's what made you more realistic than any of the other multitude of heavenly hosts."
"Right." Rory rolled her eyes.
"It did!"
"Might be going a little overboard here," Lorelai warned in a low voice, passing in front of him.
"Yeah, Luke. Besides, I'm OK with it," Rory told him nonchalantly, proving how good her hearing was. "Hey, were you ever in the pageant?"
"Once or twice. I'm pretty sure I was a shepherd." Luke stepped inside too, closing the door and automatically locking it behind him. "I remember wearing my dad's bathrobe all bunched up under my armpits. I know Patty tried to get me to play a part later, but amazingly enough, I always had something else that interfered with rehearsals and couldn't do it."
"Aw, pity," Lorelai said dryly. "I'm sure you would have been a star."
"Or maybe holding up the star," Rory added. "They always need somebody tall to do that."
"That I might have done."
"So was the baby Jesus the same beat up doll when you were in the pageant?" Rory wondered.
"The very same, I'm afraid. All of us guys used to make fun of it wearing a bow."
Rory giggled. "Yeah, that still happens."
"Tradition!" Lorelai said teasingly. "Those shared memories are what bind us all together."
Rory plugged in the lights to the Christmas tree and then spun herself around in delight. "Now that it's officially time to start the Christmas countdown, I'm going to go get in my jammies!" She ran off to her room.
Luke turned and gave Lorelai a speculative look. "You going to go get in yours, too?"
She walked over to him and poked a finger into his chest. "Comments like that are going to get you on the naughty list, Mister."
Luke held up his hands, feigning innocence. "Hey, just asking. I mean, it's OK with me if you want to get comfortable."
Lorelai then gave him the same sort of appraising look. "Did you bring along yours? Then you can change into your jammies, too, and we'll make it into a real sleepover."
"I don't wear pajamas to bed," he informed her with a smirk.
Her eyebrows rose as she grinned. "I'll file that fact away for future reference."
"But seriously, go get changed if you want. I'm going to get the fire started."
"That sounds great. Be back in a flash!" She ran up the stairs.
Luke knelt down in front of the fireplace, opening the damper, crumpling pieces of newspaper to tuck underneath the logs already lying in the grate. He took a deep breath after he struck the match, almost as if he was preparing to blow out the flame and make a wish.
An hour later, the scene in the living room was a cozy one, illuminated only by the Christmas lights, the flames from the fireplace, and the old black and white movie playing on the TV.
Luke had helped them make Christmas cookies earlier in the week, but now crumbs were the only thing left on the platter. The mugs had been drained of their cocoa. Or tea, in Luke's case.
The girls were sprawled out on the couch, regularly commenting on the movie, or reciting favorite lines. As the evening progressed, they'd slid further and further down on the sofa, until now they were both lying on their sides, Rory tucked in front of her mother.
Luke was relaxed in the recliner next to the couch. He hadn't tilted the chair back, but his legs were extended out as far as he could get them, with his head resting back on the upholstery. His arms were crossed comfortably over his stomach. It had been many years since he'd watched Miracle on 34th Street. He didn't know it as well as the girls did, and he'd forgotten how clever it was.
On screen the judge was being ostracized by his family for prosecuting Santa Claus, when Luke thought he heard his own name. Confused, he looked over at the girls.
Lorelai meaningfully caught his eyes, then dropped her gaze downward. That's when he discovered that Rory was asleep.
He pulled himself out of the chair and padded over to them, squatting down in front of the couch, examining Rory. "She's out, huh?" he asked softly.
"Yeah," Lorelai whispered back. "I tried to tickle her awake a couple of times, but I think she's down for the count."
"Well, she's had a lot of excitement this week. A lot of anticipation." He carefully pushed a strand of hair off of her face. "What do you want to do now?"
"She's pretty much got me pinned in here. Can you pick her up, get her to her room?"
"Oh yeah, sure." Luke took great care in placing his arms around Rory, and Lorelai leaned away as much as she could, but he still couldn't avoid grazing her in a couple of spots as he picked Rory up. They both pretended not to notice.
Rory frowned and buried her head into his shoulder as he carried her, not wanting to wake up. "Shh, it's OK," he whispered soothingly, not sure where the instinct on how to pacify her came from.
Lorelai dashed in front of him to get to Rory's room first. She pulled down the bedspread and blankets, then met them at the doorway, tugging the slippers from Rory's feet. Luke laid her down on the bed and watched as she burrowed down into the pillow with a tired sigh. Both he and Lorelai pulled the covers up.
"I hate to think of her sleeping through the night with all of that sugar on her teeth," he quietly grumbled to Lorelai.
She grinned back at him. "I'll make her brush an extra time tomorrow just for you, Captain Tooth Enamel."
He rolled his eyes, even as he tucked the blanket a little bit further over Rory's shoulders.
"I'll be back out in a minute, OK?" Lorelai whispered. She glanced askance at him, looking like she'd been caught in an embarrassing situation. "I just…I know it's silly, but…" She smiled guiltily. "I just like to watch her sleep for a minute or two."
Luke had the overwhelming urge to give her a hug and tell her they'd both stay there in the darkened room and watch Rory sleep. But instead he simply nodded his head. He paused at the doorway, though, looking back at the sleeping girl and the mother perched on the edge of the bed, keeping vigil for a brief moment.
Back in the living room he stopped the movie and then looked around the now-peaceful space. He could see his coat hanging on the coat rack, covering up Lorelai's. He could see his practical, rugged boots, haphazardly tossed onto the mat with the girls' shoes. The Christmas tree was decorated with his family's ornaments. A stocking with his name on it hung over the fireplace. A mug purchased especially for him was sitting on the coffee table. This place – their place – had slowly evolved into his place, too.
And it felt right. So right that he should be here with them. So right that he should stay here with them, instead of going back to his lonely, empty apartment.
He gaze was drawn to the staircase, following the treads upwards. Swallowing hard, he tore his eyes away when he heard Lorelai walking back into the room.
"Hey, you ready to finish the movie? Need anything from the kitchen first?"
Words and thoughts, feelings and needs tumbled through his head in no particular order. He thought about how much he wanted to stay here not only tonight but every night with his girls. He felt again the kiss Lorelai had pressed to his mouth after Rory's birthday party, when she had urged him not to be lonely forever. Maybe he was finally ready to admit that she was absolutely right. She was here and Rachel was not, and maybe it was time that he accepted the truth of that.
The effect of all of those things passing through his brain at the same time made him feel dizzy and short of breath. Impulsively he grabbed Lorelai's hand and sat down heavily on the couch, tugging her into his lap as he went.
She stifled a shriek, aware that Rory was asleep. "Luke!" she giggled, swatting at his chest as she tried to find her balance on his thighs.
He tucked her against his chest and put his face against her hair, so he didn't have to look directly at her as he bared his desires. "I think about you all the time," he whispered, simply allowing the first thing circling his brain to escape his mouth.
The giggles stopped. Lorelai went perfectly still.
"I think about you. I think about what it would be like to be here with you. I remember what you said back in July, about how we could be more than friends." He'd stretched his flattened hand over her back, softly rubbing up and down her spine through the brushed flannel of her pajamas. His touch was soothing, friendly, but he was on edge, ready to caress her in a completely different way as soon as she gave him any sign of approval. The tension buzzed between them, like another presence in the room.
Lorelai put her hands against his shoulders and pushed back, so she could see him. "That specific offer has been rescinded, Luke," she said very quietly, in utmost seriousness. "When I said that…I didn't know you. I don't think I even really knew me. I had this crazy idea that I could do something casual and it'd all be cool. But now I know that casual…just can't happen between us."
Shame and regret and acute embarrassment flooded over Luke. He'd thought they were finally on the same page, but apparently they weren't even reading the same book. He tried to push her off his lap, wanting desperately to delete what had just happened.
"No, no, don't!" She put her arms around his neck and clung to him. "Please, Luke, don't do that. Let me explain. You said just last night that we needed to discuss this, and we do. If we ignore it now, we'll never get back to being right with each other, and I can't stand even the thought of that. Please, will you listen? Will you promise to hear me out?"
The only thing he could feel was his face burning. He could hear Lorelai taking quick, shallow breaths as she sat shivering on his lap, her arms still wrapped around him. Finally he nodded, knowing what she said was true. But oh, how he wished he could be like Santa and simply disappear up the chimney.
"Oh…" she sighed. "Good. Good." She sat up, but remained on his lap. She smoothed back his hair and gently patted his shoulders. "The first thing I should say is if this all sounds rehearsed, it's because it is. I've had a feeling we were going to end up in a situation like this sooner or later, and I wanted to be prepared, to make sure I was able to say everything I wanted to. So there have been a lot of sleepless nights for me, staring up at the ceiling, going over all of this."
"We don't have to," he said curtly. "If you don't want me, don't want me here with you, that's fine. Nothing else to say." Once again he tried to get up, to move her off of him, but she wasn't having it.
She gave a bitter little laugh as she refused to take his hint to move. "Oh, I think we both know that's not true."
Suddenly he was tired, exhausted even. Too tired to fight the tide that was Lorelai Gilmore. "Go on," he muttered, defeated. He leaned his head back against the couch.
Turning thoughtful, she ran her fingers around the edge of his shirt collar, first straightening it out, and then continuing as if she simply liked the feel of it. "To start with, I'm saying no for you."
That got his attention. He looked directly at her for the first time. "You're saying no for me? Why? Like I don't know my own mind or something?" he asked in annoyance.
Lorelai sighed. "Just for the sake of argument, let's pretend I say 'Hey great,' and we go upstairs and spend the rest of the night doing every single thing we can think to do to each other."
Their eyes locked for a moment, each running down items on an imaginary list. "I'm not sure one night would tick everything off," Luke said gruffly.
Lorelai shook her head regretfully, seemingly in agreement. "Then, in the morning after our incredible night, you walk home, and find Rachel sitting on the steps, waiting for you. She'd flown in to surprise you." She paused, a painful, brief pause. "What happens then?"
Panic seized him. Lorelai had tapped into a dream he'd visualized many times over the years, Rachel finally coming to her senses and coming home, surprising him. Guilt pooled in his stomach, as if it had all happened, just as Lorelai had said.
Then irritation erupted. "She's not coming home," he muttered angrily.
Lorelai's shoulders slumped. She dropped her hands into her lap, no longer touching him. "Oh, Luke. That's so the wrong answer," she said mournfully.
"No, it's not!" he insisted. "She's not coming home. She's never coming home!"
"And your stubbornness about that just lets me know that I'm absolutely right in stopping us."
"Whatever," he sneered dismissively, channeling Rory's bratty side.
"Luke, you're not…you're not done with Rachel yet." Softly, Lorelai began running her hands up and down his sleeves. "If we'd…become something more…I know in the beginning it would be good. But eventually you'd feel guilty. Eventually the guilt would push you away from me. And although I'm willing to do absolutely anything for you, I refuse to be something you regret."
"I wouldn't…" Luke began to protest, although feebly. Then he stopped altogether, because he remembered the blame he'd felt just from hearing Lorelai's imaginings. He began to realize that it was possible he'd been extremely short-sighted.
"Right," she sighed, blinking hard for few seconds. "Next, the second reason I'm saying no is because of Rory."
"Rory?" Concerned, he sat up straighter. "Rory wouldn't want us together?"
"I…don't know." She shrugged, and then began smoothing her hands over his shirt again. "But I assume we wouldn't want her to know if we became just bedroom buddies, right?"
Hearing her summarize it that way completely deflated him and brought along a helping of shame. "No. Of course not."
"Right." She nodded thoughtfully. "But you've seen firsthand how tuned in she is to me, how we're sort of freakishly linked. And she's almost the same way with you now, too. She senses when something's wrong; when something's changed. No matter how careful we'd be to keep that part from her, I think she'd feel that something new was going on between us. I think it would puzzle her, would leave her confused. And then, if things would go wrong, and we'd…end…she'd be even more mixed up. My main job for eleven years has been to protect her. I don't want her to get hurt."
Luke put a hand over one of hers, stilling it. "I don't either. You know that."
Lorelai bent her head, nodding. Then she took a deep breath. "And then…there's me."
"What about you?"
"The…My last reason for saying no. I'm saying no for me, too." Before he could question that, she hurried on. "Luke, you are such a great guy. Sometimes I think that if the universe tapped me on the shoulder and said, 'Lorelai, you may create your perfect guy,' I couldn't do better than you. You're just…great. You cook and you fix things, you're funny, you're smart…You're ridiculously good-looking, in spite of that ever-present hat of yours and the penchant for flannel." Her fingers nervously traced over the buttons on his shirt, felt along the edge of the pocket on his chest. "And then of course there's the coffee. God, I'd be your slave just for the coffee alone."
"Yeah?" he murmured, finding it harder to breathe again.
"Yeah…" She folded her hands down into her lap. "And…you love Rory."
"I do," he agreed.
"So, you're perfect." She shrugged rather deliberately, and then seemed to be forcing herself to sound upbeat. "You're good at everything. The already-mentioned fixing and cooking. Running your business. Taking care of Rory. Taking care…of me." Her voice faltered, but then she pressed on, again striving to sound lighthearted. "Because of your overall greatness, I suspect that you are also very good in bed. And I know…I worry…" She stopped again, and then seemed to push herself to finish, but her voice was wispy after that, not strong at all. "I'm just barely hanging on the way it is, Luke," she admitted. Her eyes caught his, just for a second, before she returned to staring at the hands she was wringing in her lap. "If we added the physical to the way I already feel about you, I don't think I could stop myself from being completely smitten. I'd be…gone. And I'm not sure I could come back from that, if we…didn't make it. If you…went away." She looked into his face, meeting his eyes, being completely vulnerable. "It would hurt too much," she whispered, in brutal honesty.
Luke felt unbelievably wretched. He'd been living blind. He'd put up some sort of protective partitions in his head, allowing him to ignore that Lorelai's heart would be affected if they detoured down another path. In fact, he hadn't even considered what her stake in a pseudo-relationship would be. All he'd been thinking about was what he wished.
He put his hand alongside her face. "I don't want you hurt."
She nodded. "I know you don't. But even just with the way things are now…it kinda hurts, anyway." Somehow she managed to smile at him.
"I'm starting to see that," he acknowledged, still stroking her cheek. "I've sort of made of mess of things, haven't I?"
"We've talked. We've been honest. It's all out in the open now. We'll be fine."
For a few minutes they sat silently, lost in thought. The fire crackled in the stillness, reminding them that life went on.
"Well, then." Luke made a move to stand up, to end their painful heart-to-heart time.
"No, don't. Not yet." Lorelai leaned against his chest, keeping him trapped on the couch.
"But, we should –"
"No." She put her arms around him, placed her mouth close to his ear. "Once we move, once I stand up, it all changes. From here on, we'll be so careful about what we say to each other, about how we act around each other. We'll be so cautious, because we'll want to make sure that nothing we say or do gets misconstrued by the other. So right now, before it all changes, before we change, while we're still right here…together…"
Suddenly she was kissing him, kissing him with regret, with sadness, and he responded in kind, as if he was saying goodbye to the life they could have had together. But then she whimpered and drew him closer to her, and just as suddenly the kiss morphed into something else entirely. The heat from that 4th of July night, never completely forgotten, flared up and demanded payment for being cast aside for so many months.
Whatever sense Luke had left dissipated as Lorelai caressed him and joined him in a kiss filled with frantic passion. Whatever rules he'd lived by; whatever guide to right and wrong he'd tried to follow, were just…gone. No way could they hold against the temptation of Lorelai's eager mouth and enticing body.
Neither could Luke hold his position on the couch. Slowly he slid sideways against the back of it, taking Lorelai with him, until they were horizontal. He shifted them slightly, pulling Lorelai flat on her back, moving himself up on top of her. He took care not to crush her, but yet he wanted – needed – to feel her stretched out underneath him. Just as desperately, he wanted her to feel him too, pressing down against her entire body.
Lorelai moaned again, writhing beneath him, allowing her body to open more fully to the contours of his, and he sank down deeper against her with an ecstatic shudder. Her hands never stopped moving, her lips and tongue never stopped caressing his. He had jumbled thoughts about her neck and knees, other places he'd like to kiss, but somewhere in the back of his brain he was scared that if he stopped kissing her mouth, this would all be over. And no way was he ready for this to be over yet…
So he kept his mouth on hers, kissing and kissing, turning that connection into a drug of forgetfulness for both of them. One of his hands found the hem of her pajama top and pushed under it, gliding over her bare skin, which provided almost more sensory impact than he could handle. She groaned against his mouth, pushed her hand against the small of his back, trying to drive him even closer to her.
Then his hand reached the swell of her breast, and that touch seemed to bring them both back to reality. Luke removed his hand from under her top, and Lorelai pulled her mouth away from his. They stopped their movements but remained entwined, laying together, breathing hard. Eventually Lorelai put her fingers into the longer hair at the base of his neck, gently stroking his curls. He turned his head, burying his face into her neck, cherishing her scent, focusing on the pulse he could feel throbbing there.
Finally, having calmed down slightly, Luke struggled to sit up. He gave his hand to Lorelai, helping her to get upright.
They sat about a foot apart from each other, still breathing a little erratically, carefully not looking at each other.
After another few minutes, Lorelai stood up. "I'm going to get us a beer," she stated. She walked shakily towards the kitchen.
When she came back, she handed Luke a bottle, having already removed the cap. Still not looking at him, she clinked the neck of her bottle against his.
Lorelai found the TV remote and started the movie again. She sat down on the couch, against the far corner, staring blankly at the screen.
And just like she'd predicted, from that moment on, everything changed.
New Year's Eve
Lorelai wasn't wearing the black dress.
On one hand, Luke was grateful she wasn't, because he was pretty sure he wouldn't have been able to withstand the agony of seeing her in it for the entire night. But it didn't really matter, because every time he looked at her it hit him over the head that she wasn't wearing it, which was immediately followed by the painful reason why.
So that hurt, and that regret was there, no matter what. He appreciated her effort to spare him, though.
And she still looked good, even without the spectacular dress. Of course she did. She always looked good.
She was wearing slacks that weren't quite white, but weren't beige, either. 'Winter white,' she'd told him. She had on a powder blue blouse under a short, tight white knitted vest, the untucked shirttails of it floating down towards her hips. The blue of the shirt highlighted the topaz in the center of the snowflake hanging around her neck. Her hair was parted in the middle and her dark curls hung loose on her shoulders. Her cheeks were flushed from the crush of people crammed into Miss Patty's for the New Year's Eve party.
"Do you want another drink?" she asked him, breaking into his thoughts about how pretty she was.
Luke swirled the beer around in his nearly-full bottle. "No," he said, tilting the bottle so she could see. "Barely started on this one."
They'd found a small table pushed over out of the way, close to the coatroom. They were both trying hard to pretend that they were actually participating in the party, even though neither of them truly wanted to be there.
Lorelai tipped her glass towards him, showing him that the level on her 7 & 7 hadn't lowered, either. She gave him one of the smiles she'd been giving him all week, one that didn't quite reach her eyes.
"It's funny," she said. "I thought I'd come here and drink myself silly. I thought maybe that would help me get through tonight. Instead I don't really feel like drinking at all."
"Yeah. Me too." Luke was a little startled that she was attempting to talk about what had occurred between them on Christmas Eve. They'd given that night a wide berth in the week since.
"But I think…we're doing OK, right? I mean, we're here, we're together…I know it's not exactly like before, but it's OK, right?"
Luke looked at her skeptically. "We didn't have to come tonight."
"No, I think we did. Enough people knew we were planning on it that it would have looked weird if we'd suddenly bowed out. Plus, then Rory would have been suspicious. And I wanted her to have a really good time tonight."
Luke sighed. He'd tried hard to act completely normal around Rory this week, mindful of what Lorelai had said to him during their talk about how tuned-in Rory was to his moods. He'd made sure that she'd enjoyed Christmas to the fullest, even if he'd had to shut down the regrets and recriminations floating around in his own head in order to do it. He'd tried hard to separate his feelings about Rory from what had happened with Lorelai.
"Rory is with the Kims, at church. I'm not sure how much fun it's possible for her to have under those restrictions," Luke pointed out.
Lorelai chuckled. "This is the first year that the girls have been old enough to participate in the church's New Year's Eve lock-in. They've been looking forward to hanging with the big kids for years. You and I know it's just drinking fruit juice mixed with ginger ale, eating dry muffins, and playing old board games, but to the girls it's the best night ever, getting to stay up as long as they want to."
"What time do you pick her up in the morning?"
"Any time after 9."
Luke nodded, taking another sip of the beer he didn't want. "You keep wearing the necklace," he observed. He'd meant for the comment to sound casual, but he could hear the strain in his voice.
Her fingers touched the necklace. "Of course I do. I love it. It was the perfect gift, Luke."
He nodded again, trying to get all of the thoughts swimming through his head to still for a moment, so he could attempt to grab on to at least one of them.
"I wish I could say the right…I need to apologize to you so much, Lorelai," he managed to mumble uncomfortably.
"No you don't," she said quickly.
"Yeah, I do," he insisted firmly. "I was such an oblivious fool."
"Luke –"
"No, hear me out. You got to have your say last week. Now it's my turn."
Lorelai looked nervously at their surroundings. "Here?"
"I don't think either of us is going to make a scene. Rory's not around. Everyone else is too busy with their own dramas to pay us any mind. And I need to say it."
Lorelai shrugged, obviously still not convinced. "Go on, then."
He toyed with the beer bottle, gathering his thoughts. "Somehow I was able to put how I feel about you and how I feel about Rachel into these separate compartments in my head. I guess I thought that there was no reason to ever have to mix the two of them together. I know that sounds stupid. I know now it was completely unrealistic, but that's the only way I can explain it. And it was…so unfair to you. I never meant…to make it seem like I saw you as a replacement just until Rachel comes back."
"But yet, that's what it was," Lorelai said lightly.
"Maybe. I'm not…" Luke shook his head. "I'm still a little confused about all of that."
"Hey, you don't have to explain to me about exes."
"What do you mean?"
"How confusing it is with exes, when there are still feelings there. I get it."
He stared over at her, frowning. "You have feelings for an ex?"
"Well, sure," she said, giving a little shrug with her shoulders, making the snowflake at her throat twinkle.
"Who?" he demanded.
Her forehead wrinkled and she bit at her lip, as if she was holding back a laugh. "Christopher, of course."
He felt as if someone had tripped him and he'd ended up flat on his face. "You still…You think you're still in love with him?"
She did that little shrug thing again. "Maybe?"
Luke struggled to pull his mouth closed.
"Look, the two of us have been linked for such a long time." She leaned over the table, sincerely trying to explain it to him. "I know we were so young, just kids. But what we had was intense. We…bonded, right when both of us needed someone the most, to help get us through a really unhappy time in both of our lives. And that bond, it's still there. And of course, there's always Rory there, between us. Even if I wanted to be completely separate from him, I couldn't be, because of Rory."
"But you wouldn't…You surely wouldn't consider being with him again, would you?"
"Luke, I just don't know. There have been times, after talking to him when he's been so sweet…It reminds me of everything I've always liked about him. I remember why we were together in the first place."
"You've got to be kidding me," Luke muttered, mostly under his breath. He picked up his beer, but then slammed it back on the table before he could take a drink. "You mean to tell me, after the way he's practically abandoned you and Rory, and the rotten father he's been, you'd take the asshole back?"
"Hey!" Lorelai's eyes flashed, and she put her hands flat down on the tabletop. "That's not something you get to judge me about, Mister 'I'll just wait for Rachel to come home, no matter how many years she's gone!'"
Luke fought to get back in control. He raised his hands, indicating a truce. "How long has it been since you've actually seen him?"
"It's been a while," Lorelai acknowledged. "A few years. And…I'm sure that's something you've experienced, too. It's always tricky, being together again. It's always hard to fight against the attraction that's still there between you. Hard to understand why you're even fighting that pull to be together."
"Wait." Luke could feel his blood pressure rising, could feel the control slipping again. "Are you saying you've…been with him? Since Rory?" He leaned across the table, hissing the accusation at her.
Anger bubbled out of her, too. "Guess what? You don't have the right to be jealous either, buddy!"
"No, there you're wrong!" This time he snatched up the beer, took a draining drink of it, trying to give himself time to settle down. "You can't tell me how to feel. And the idea of you being with him – being with anyone, for that matter – it does make me jealous. I can't help that. You can't expect me to stop that."
Lorelai regarded him steadily. Eventually the heat in her eyes slipped away. "OK," she finally admitted. "It's true, we can't help how we feel. And truthfully, I'm jealous of Rachel, too. I'm sure you know that." She took a couple slow sips of her drink. "Look, I don't want us to fight here. All I wanted to do was to empathize a little bit with you. Navigating around exes is like taking a walk through the Fire Swamp. It's confusing and it's never cut and dried. So I get it. I do." She reached across the table and patted his hand. "I don't necessarily like it, but I get it."
Luke appreciated her effort to get them back on track. "OK." He blew out a breath. "Let me circle back around to what I was trying to say to you at the beginning."
"Um, wait." Lorelai took a big gulp from her glass. "OK, shoot."
"I see you as such a strong woman, Lorelai. I mean, I know I've seen you at some vulnerable times, too, but mostly I see you as invincible."
"Geez, Luke," she laughed, self-consciously. "You're making me sound like Wonder Woman."
"Maybe you are. Leaving home at 17? Taking care of Rory the way you did? Finding a job – and not just finding one, but working hard at it and turning it into a career – I mean, that's amazing. You've managed to buy a home for the two of you. I can't believe what you've accomplished."
"I only did what I had to, for Rory," she protested. "It wasn't anything different than a lot of other single mothers have faced."
Luke merely shook his head. "You're strong, and you're brave. You say just what you mean and you don't back down. You're not scared to take a stand. And I guess that's why I didn't think about what would happen to you – how you'd feel – if our relationship changed and then changed again." He stopped talking abruptly. "Geez, sorry. Everything I say just makes it sound worse."
She pushed her hair back behind her ears. "Luke, just say it. Say it all, get it out. Then we'll come back and go over whatever I don't understand or you can clear up your thoughts. But for now, just let it out."
"Basically I want you to know that I admire you. I respect you. And I care about you." He hung his head briefly. "Even though my…suggestion the other night might have made it seem like I don't. The temptation of us being together has always been there, just sort of floating around. You were the one to propose it to start with, remember? It always seemed like you were on board with it, and taking that assumption and combining it with your strength…that's why I was so blind to idea that you could get hurt. Which of course, should have been obvious to me. That's why I want to apologize. I want to make sure you know that I wasn't trying to get away with something with you." He felt himself blushing. "I'm not a…a cad. I'm just an idiot."
Her eyebrows quirked up. "A cad? Seriously? We're in a 1930's musical suddenly?"
"Go on," he instructed her. "Take your best shot. I deserve it."
Lorelai was smiling. She leaned over to pat his hand. "Luke, I know you're not a scoundrel. You're a gentleman. That's been apparent to me from the beginning. Don't worry, I understand how easy it is to lose your way when sex gets added into the mix."
"This isn't just about sex," he protested, his cheeks warming again. "Sex was not the only reason I wanted to stay with you."
"I know," she agreed easily. "But it's the sex, and the feelings that go along with the sex, that make it especially tricky." She looked down at the table briefly. "That, and the fact that you're still committed to Rachel, whether you realize it or not. I think…I've been wrong to push you about that, Luke. It's not my call when you're ready to move on. Like I said at the beginning, I understand how confusing it is with exes."
"Yeah," he sighed. "Confusing."
They sat quietly and sipped at their drinks again. Around them the party was getting louder and more crowded, as more people joined the throng in anticipation of midnight approaching.
"That does sort of bring up something else I was worried about, though," Lorelai eventually said.
"What?"
"I've wondered, from time to time…" She paused, staring down at her cup, running her finger around the lip of it. "I know how you feel about Rory. You adore her. You're even willing to raise her if something would happen to me. You're 100% devoted to her."
"I am," Luke wholeheartedly agreed.
"Right." Lorelai nodded. "And you told me shortly after we met that you were lonely. That you wished you had a family. That you wanted to be a part of my family."
Luke shifted uncomfortably, but everything she said was fact. He nodded back at her, waiting to see what she'd say next.
"And I know you love being with us. You love being at our house, fixing stuff and feeding us, acting like the head of the household."
"That's not what I–"
"No, no, I'm not complaining, or anything. I'm just stating how it is."
"OK…" he responded, anxiously.
"So what I wonder, is how much of what you feel for me is true, and how much of it is just convenience?"
"I don't…I'm not sure what you're saying."
"I mean…" Lorelai leaned back in her seat, her mouth pursing as she tried to explain. "Look, I know you like me. But you love Rory. You love having a home to share. And if you and I would become a thing, then it's all wrapped up in one neat package for you. So I can't help but wonder if you'd still be attracted to me, if it was just me alone."
Her sensitive eyes looked at him openly, wanting nothing more than for him to tell her how he felt, and all Luke felt was panic roiling through him. Because in her words was a tiny little kernel of truth, a small nagging fear that had tried to pop up in his own brain from time to time as well. He'd squashed it down, not wanting to analyze it. He didn't want to give it breathing space now, either.
"No," he tried to say firmly. "It is hard, to separate you from everything else – of course it is. You, and Rory, and the Crapshack – it's all part of being together. But of course I like you for you. Don't be ridiculous."
She gave him a small, sad smile, obviously not convinced. "Anyway, you see why that's another one of my worries. Just add it to the other reasons I gave you on Christmas Eve, OK?"
"OK, but –"
"What do you say we give it a rest, huh? I feel like we've talked enough. Time to party?" she suggested hopefully.
"Sure. Let's party," he said as gloomily as if they were heading to an execution.
Lorelai laughed at him and got up from the table. "I'm getting us fresh drinks," she declared, and walked towards the makeshift bar.
Once she left, Luke hunched his shoulders over the table and ran his hands over his face. He felt so out of his comfort zone. He felt weird, wearing nice pants and a dress shirt, sitting here in Miss Patty's studio without his hat on his head. And it was almost laughable, him attending a party out of his own freewill, throwing himself into a crushing mix of townies without complaint. He straightened up and glanced up towards the bar, spotting Lorelai waiting there.
Lorelai.
He stifled a groan and buried his face in his hands. God, what a hole he'd dug for himself there. And even after all of the words he'd forced himself to say to her in the past few minutes, he still felt like he hadn't truly said enough of what was needed. How badly had he hurt her? Did she really think he was only interested in having sex with her? Would he ever be able to apologize enough? Would he ever believe that she forgave him? Could he ever really make it up to her?
On the positive side, they were here. They were talking. It wasn't as awkward as he'd feared, although those false smiles of hers were still making him feel sick.
Luke sat up and ran a hand over the back of his neck, trying not to remember how her hand had felt when she'd touched him in the same spot. In pushing that memory aside, a more troubling one surfaced. He remembered what she'd just said, about her concern that he only wanted her because of Rory, because of the family life she offered.
No, he told himself, ordering himself not to go there. That's not true. That's not how I feel about her. There's so much more than just that, isn't there?
But the doubt had been given voice now. The uncertainty was now planted deeply in his brain, making him suspect every one of his past actions.
Close to despair, he again looked for Lorelai, wondering what was keeping her.
She was still standing at the bar, but now a man was standing beside her. Leaning next to her, actually. Smiling down at her. Obviously interested – but then, who wouldn't be? Luke didn't think much of it until he saw her do that thing he'd observed her do countless times, which was to take a strand of her hair and sort of twirl it around her finger.
He held his breath, watching the scene at the bar. His heart thumped painfully against his chest.
In another minute she picked up their drinks, gave the guy a smiling nod goodbye, and began to walk back to their table.
"Here you go," she said gaily, setting the bottle before him. "Just what the doctor ordered!"
Luke immediately took a drink. "Who was that?" he asked after swallowing, trying to sound casual.
"What?" It had gotten noisier. She pulled her chair closer to him, to hear better.
"The guy. At the bar. Who was he?"
"Oh!" She looked over her shoulder. "That was Jeremy."
"Jeremy? The jewelry store guy?" Luke hadn't recognized him out of his suit and tie.
"Yeah. He was asking me how I liked my necklace." She smiled and rubbed the snowflake between her fingers.
"He likes you," Luke said.
Lorelai looked startled. "Oh, I wouldn't say –"
"No, he does," Luke stated. "He practically told me so when I was in the store. Do you like him?"
"I don't – I mean, he seems like a nice enough guy –"
"You should go out with him."
"What!" Her eyes were big as saucers.
"Did he ask you out?"
"Luke! No!"
"Did he ask you to dance?"
She grabbed his arm. "Luke, what's going on?"
"You should go out with him," he repeated stubbornly.
"Hey!" she said sharply. She dug her fingers into his arm. "What is this? What happened to the guy I was sitting with a little bit ago, who was all jealous even over an ex-boyfriend?"
Luke put his hand over hers on his arm and gave it a little shake to emphasize his words. "When was the last time you went out on a date?"
She shook her head blankly.
"Have you dated anyone since I've known you?"
"Uh…no?"
"Why not?"
Lorelai shook her head in disbelief and laughed. "I don't know! I'm busy? I'm a single mom? I don't meet that many guys?"
"Is it because of me?" Luke asked calmly.
"Is what because of you?"
"You don't date because of me."
"Wow. And here I thought I was self-centered."
"Just tell the truth. Are you not dating because of me? Are you sitting home because you're hoping that someday I'll…?" Luke let the question fade out, because it made him too sad to finish it.
Lorelai didn't answer, but she didn't have to. The look on her face told him everything.
He shook her hand off of his arm. "Go talk to him," he ordered, taking another gulp of his beer.
"I don't want to," she whispered brokenly, looking down at the table.
"Lorelai." He put his hand under her chin, raised her face so she'd look at him. "Sweetheart, it's bad enough that I'm sitting at home, wasting my life waiting on something that's not going to happen. I'll be damned if I'll let you do the same thing."
Her eyes were close to brimming over. "Luke –"
"Go," he insisted, steeling himself against the look of hurt on her face. He took her drink away from her. "Just go talk to him. Let him buy you a drink. See what happens. That's all. Just – try, Lorelai. Please? Please. Maybe that'll make the guilt I'm feeling ease up a bit."
Lorelai remained sitting at the table, motionless. Luke got up and went behind her chair, pulling it out. He took her elbows, raised her up from the table. He pointed her in Jeremy's general direction. "Go flirt," he said softly into her ear. "I know you can do it," he said, adding on a chuckle that sounded strangled. Then he gave her a gentle push.
She began to walk away, a little unsteadily. Luke sat back down heavily, not watching. And then methodically he drank down both of the drinks on the table.
Lorelai did as she was told. She danced, she laughed, she flirted. Whether her heart was in it or not, she did it.
She did not look over at him.
Everyone else did, though. Luke had gotten up and started to prowl around the room, feeling too uncomfortable sitting at the table by himself. He could feel the sympathetic eyes of the townspeople on him everywhere he went, even when he went outside for some fresh air, carefully avoiding the little knots of smokers.
Finally Miss Patty got him in her clutches. "Luke, what happened?"
He deliberately turned obtuse. "What do you mean?"
"Between you and Lorelai, darling. Did you have a fight?"
"No, of course not. Why would you think that?"
"Because she's been dancing with Jeremy for the last half hour. What happened? You can tell me, Luke. Lovers' quarrel?"
"Between me and Lorelai? You know that's not the way it is between us. We're just friends, Patty. She thinks the jewelry guy's cute. I told her to go dance with him. That's all there is to it."
Patty continued to study him, her face a mixture of doubt and misgivings.
Luke sighed loudly. "There's no other story here, except for the one that you and the rest of the gossips in this town have made up about us. We're friends – good friends. I want my good friend to be happy, and if Jeremy's the guy to do it, then I'm all for it. Why wouldn't I be?"
Patty still didn't look convinced, but she knew when to give up. "If you say so, dear." She patted his arm kindly. "I hope that's all true. For your sake."
"It is," Luke said gruffly.
Patty left him alone after that.
The night stretched on interminably, but finally Luke looked at his father's old watch and saw that it was almost midnight.
Lorelai was still dancing with Jeremy. He was well-aware of that, even though he hadn't deliberately looked for them.
He turned now, spotting her immediately.
'We're in a 1930's musical?' he heard her say in his head.
Yes, yes I guess we are, he thought with grim humor, fighting his way through the other couples on the dance floor to reach her. He'd never done this for real. His only basis was seeing it in those old movies. He put out his hand and tapped Jeremy on his shoulder.
"Sorry. Do you mind if I have this dance with Lorelai?" he asked as pleasantly as he could between clenched teeth.
"Oh, sure. Sure," Jeremy said, with the same sort of fake civility. He released his hold on Lorelai, handed her over to Luke.
"One minute to midnight!" Kirk bellowed from the front of the studio.
Lorelai settled against him, laid her head on his shoulder but turned it away so she wasn't looking at him.
"Hey," he whispered, leaning his head down to talk to her. Luke swayed them around in a circle, scarcely aware of the music playing. "How'd it go?"
She gave a slight shrug.
"Did he ask you out?" he asked softly.
She nodded.
"And what did you say?"
She raised her head, looking at him reproachfully. "I said I'd think about it."
Ouch. A punch, right to the gut. "Good, good," he lied.
"Thirty seconds!" Kirk shrieked.
Luke pulled her closer. "Listen, I want you to know," he said gently, fondly putting one hand on her cheek. "This past year has been the best one I can remember, and that's been because of you. Because of Rory. Because of you letting me be in your life. I want you to know how much I've loved being there with you. I want you to know how grateful I am that you let me be there."
She stopped moving and just looked straight into his eyes.
"Ten!" Kirk yelled.
"Nine, eight, seven…" everyone around them began to chant.
"I've loved it too, Luke," Lorelai told him. "It's been a happy year for me, too." That's what she said, even with tears forming in her eyes. "Let's hope that next year is even better."
"Six, five, four…"
"That's exactly what I want for you," he whispered. He pressed a kiss against her forehead.
She kissed his cheek with such tenderness he had to close his eyes.
"Happy New Year!"
Auld Lang Syne blasted out of the speakers. All around them, couples kissed and blew noisemakers and shouted excitedly, welcoming in the new year. But Luke was barely aware of the chaos. He kept his eyes closed and Lorelai safe in his arms, continuing to rock her back and forth.
All night long he'd been looking forward to the end of the party, but now that it was here, he wasn't sure that he wanted it to end at all.
An encouraging word from DFC: Don't despair! It's only January, you know. There's still 5 months left before this year in the Hollow comes to a finish...