Chapter Six

Small Hope

After a time holding each other, Kiritsugu felt some of his sense return to him, and he pulled away, partly out of apprehension, and partly out of the necessity to move when he was growing so stiff. It seemed Irisviel was having the same problem, so she didn't protest when he relinquished his hold on her.

Uncertain, Kiritsugu thought it might help for them to withdraw to a smaller room. He felt quite exposed here all of a sudden. But then, maybe it was just the feelings of uncertainty. So he took Irisviel with him to his private office, and though this alleviated his growing sense of anxiety somewhat, he still couldn't help massaging the back of his neck in a nervous and reserved attitude.

"Listen…I have to admit that apart from the waltz—and even that I had to teach myself first—I don't have much to offer you in the way of…. Well. Guns are…pretty much all I really know." He avoided looking at her and instead looked out of the window at the crystallized world outside.

"That's okay," said Irisviel candidly, in the middle of exercising her vivacious curiosity in examining all the modern trappings added to the room, but being careful not to touch any of them out of respect. "I really have nothing to compare this too, except those books and movies and songs. And you've said those aren't like real life anyway, yes? Well, I wouldn't want anything fake from you. I don't believe I would, in any case."

Kiritsugu turned from the window and stared at her, momentarily forgetting his discomfiture. Irisviel had her hands clasped behind her back now, and was beaming at him as though simply looking at him was enough to fulfill her every happiness.

"It's your thoughts that intrigue me," she told him. "And the face that I see that hides them, and the way I can sometimes see them shining from your dark eyes. And since we're being honest with each other, I may as well admit that this wasn't a passing fancy. I'd been observing it for a while, though I will say how I reacted to all of it changed as you taught me more about the world and began to illicit true feelings in me."

"What do you mean?" asked Kiritsugu.

"It began, I think…when you first spoke to me of anger, when I woke from my ordeal in the wilderness, and you explained how you rescued me from that—for which, I now realize, I never really properly thanked you."

"At this point I think it's implied you're grateful."

"Hmmm. Well, anyway, when you spoke to me of anger, when you yourself expressed a glimpse of it when I clearly demonstrated that I couldn't feel such things at the time, something of the passion in your voice somehow reached me, even if at the time I didn't really understand it, as you saw. But it triggered a whisper of desire…to learn from you about what true strength was, about what anger and happiness were. Thinking back on it now, I realize that at the time there was this…change in you, I think, that played a part in the passion of your anger reaching me so. At our first meeting, you were as much of a machine as I was, to put it simply, and you had no expression, no life in your eyes, save for something that was as much an imitation as my entire body is."

"Iri—"

"You see? I find I like that."

Kiritsugu blinked. "Like 'what'?"

"The change in your face when you call me that. It's a shortening of my name, yes? You call that a 'nickname', or 'pet name'? As for someone who is special to you?"

"For now I wouldn't dispute that."

Irisviel giggled. "And something about it lights me up inside. It's the only way I can think to describe it, that it fills me with light."

"The way my face changes, you mean?"

"Mm-hm. One moment it's very cold and empty, but when the warmth appears, when you smile—smile truly—when you reveal a piece of tenderness that you'd been hiding inside you—like when you call me 'Iri'—something like magic happens, and again, not simply magecraft, but something beyond that. Something quite beautiful."

Irisviel crossed the gap between them, and much in her childlike way, she hesitated before she reached up and took Kiritsugu's face in her hands. She was drawing from what she had seen and read, but the impulse behind it was all her own, and sincere. She did this because she truly found the look of his face to be something worth looking at.

"As I said, you're the first person I've really wanted to know everything about. And I do. I want to know everything. If you're willing to tell me."

Kiritsugu smiled, enveloped again in the warmth of her touch, of her smile and her beauty, her softness. He felt like he'd crawled on his hands and knees to get to this lovely point, and he wanted so much to stay here for as long as he could, and be happy like he used to be.

"All right then, if you want to know everything…I feel as though, you're the only person I can tell everything to. And in the first place, you should know that that's a big deal for me."

Irisviel giggled again, and Kiritsugu managed a chuckle, slipping his arms around her and pulling her close against him, her head tucked under his chin.

Though his hands were stained with the blood of many, for some reason, happenstance had gifted him this angel, and all at once his calculating brain was filled once more with nothing but thoughts of holding her like this, and how light and pure that made him feel for the first time in years.

As the world shined in white crystal out of the window, the two of them, settled on the sofa, hands clasping each other, spoke of many things.

It began with the first time Kiritsugu had tried a cigarette, how effortlessly he had taken to the habit of inhaling smoke and drawing upon the effects of nicotine to his brain (Irisviel still made a delightfully disgusted grimace), when most people would choke on their first try. Then Irisviel recounted what she recalled from the day she was born, how Acht had given her a tour of the family workshop and what her views on it were now that she had developed a sense of self. The way the two of them drifted in an out of each other's memories flowed easily like a river.

Until Irisviel asked him if he'd been in love before.

And though the answer led to a very dark place in his heart, Kiritsugu felt no need to resist the truth with Irisviel, and he clung to that fact, that uplifting fact that here he was, in the presence of a person to whom he could show all the scars of his past without shame somehow. Perhaps because of her innocent ignorance of what the world was really like, for there was only so much he could inform her of it in teaching her.

"Her name was Shirley," he said very quietly. "A childhood friend."

"Oh? And what happened?"

"She died."

There was a moment of held breath before Irisviel said with sincere gravity, "I'm sorry."

"Yes well…you see…my father…was researching Dead Apostles—you know about those—and Shirley was his assistant. She really admired him, and frankly, so did I. When she used my father's magic on herself to try and prove his theories on turning humans immortal in order to reach that damned Root, she herself became a Dead Apostle."

"Oh no.…"

"You've only heard accounts and stories and case studies, but that can't compare to actually seeing it. No less when it's happened to someone you love." Before Kiritsugu knew what was happening, he was already reverting back to his machine instincts, blocking off the emotions from the words he was speaking. "Shirley was half-transformed when I found her, surprisingly resilient enough to maintain a human mind long enough to beg me to kill her before she harmed anyone. But I didn't have it in me to kill her, and for that the entire island of Alimango became infected, save for me and my father, and the Mages' Association was forced to step in and raze the whole place to the ground, destroying the entire village. My father…did that. And I knew he would keep on doing that…unless he was stopped. But there was only one way that could happen. So I killed him."

"You killed your…father?"

"Yes."

Despite never having had anything like parents, Irisviel, having done all her reading on parent-child relationships, took this very much to heart, which was only surprising to Kiritsugu at this point because of her lack of practical experience, and had nothing to do with her ability to absorb and apply information. Even then, maybe knowing that he still shouldn't have been surprised, but there it was.

So Kiritsugu plowed onward. "But I had someone who took me in—even after killing my father, I still wasn't old enough to look after myself. Her name was Natalia Kaminski, an assassin who'd been sent with the Mages' Association to deal with the incident on Alimango. She taught me everything I know about my work as an assassin, and she…was like a mother to me."

"A mother…." Irisviel spoke the word with very thoughtful reverence.

"Yes. I know that for all we've discussed on the subject of mothers and fathers, I've been remiss in speaking much of my own, biological or otherwise."

"Is that because such things cause you pain?"

Kiritsugu could only shrug. As Irisviel made a noncommittal noise of pensiveness, he went on.

"As an assassin, I had hoped to achieve what I'd hoped to achieve in killing my father…saving as many lives as I could."

"So…you don't kill for things like money, or other reasons you say other people kill. You kill…to save lives?"

"That's right. I sacrifice the few to save the many."

"To what end, then? To save the entire world?"

"As humanly possible. But…there came a point…where that wasn't enough. Not for me."

"Why? What happened?"

Fully drawn into his story, Irisviel nestled into Kiritsugu, and in contrast to the coldness with which he looked back on his life, he offered her his warmth and automatically slid one arm around her, holding her against him.

"On Natalia's last mission, she was asked to kill a mage who was turning people into ghouls with his bee familiars. On the plane on which she killed him, the bees escaped anyway, and she was the only one on it who wasn't stung or bitten and subsequently turned into a ghoul. Still, if she had landed the plane, there was so much risk that an outbreak like the one on Alimango Island could be prevented or contained, if at all. The only way to minimize the damage and save the most lives possible then…was to destroy the plane in its entirety before it landed."

"So…you had to kill this woman then…that you say was like a mother to you?"

"I did."

Irisviel seemed to bite her tongue a moment, before asking, "But how is it you can speak of such things without…weeping?"

"I've learned to turn it off," Kiritsugu told her as if it was no big deal. "I can access these feelings whenever I wish, but for the moment I've shut down that access. Otherwise…I don't believe you could handle seeing the state I would be in. I don't want to burden you with that."

Irisviel surveyed him with what was clearly concern—she was grasping onto these emotions quickly—but she couldn't seem to find any words to say. She could only hold Kiritsugu's hand tighter.

Kiritsugu closed his eyes. "Anyway, once I have the Grail, I'll make it so the world doesn't need people like me."

"You mean you have no intention of granting Grandfather's wish?" Irisviel sounded anticipatory rather than angry.

"Not at all." Kiritsugu opened his eyes. "You're the first and only person here I'm telling this to, and to be honest, I think you're the only one who'll understand. Somehow.

"I mean to bring peace upon this Earth. End warfare, and bloodshed, and pain like that. A miracle is the only way I can save the world without resorting to the methods I must otherwise use. A miracle is the only way to eradicate such a basic human instinct as conflict. I must do it, now more than ever, or else I can never truly answer for all the blood I have spilt. Though I know the path I've walked has been a reprehensible one, I have only shouldered these dark sins because of the good that had to come of it. It was the only way, has always been the only way.

"But I don't want it to be the only way. I must save this world from itself, it's a calling that whispered to me since I was young, and I would love nothing more than for everyone to have the happiness that I myself could never have. At this point, it's all I know to do with my life, all that keeps driving me onward.

"So I will take hell and misery and evil out of the equation with the miracle that is the Holy Grail."

"But then," Irisviel said, her voice lowered to a solemn murmur, "what would you do…after?"

This time Kiritsugu squeezed Irisviel's hand as he thought about her question. "I hadn't really given it much consideration. This is something that's consumed my entire life. I can't imagine anything else beyond this. Especially when going into a war, no matter how cunning and clever you are, Death can always come for you. Even so, if I do survive, I doubt I would live for very long afterward."

"Why is that?"

In spite of himself, Kiritsugu heaved a heavy sigh he felt the need to divest himself of. "I have this vision of myself falling in the end, making my wish and then letting the flames of the Grail War take me."

Though he could never doubt himself where all of his bloody decisions of the past were concerned, he knew that there was the possibility that even if he finished his life of bloodshed with the act of saving the world, he may still burn in whatever afterlife awaited him. The only thing that kept him from wavering on his actions was his ultimate goal.

It had to be done, no matter what. No matter who judged him for the measures he took to see it done.

"Damn them," he muttered.

"Who?" Irisviel inquired.

"The Heroic Spirits. I'll have to summon one as a Servant for this War, and the one Acht has in mind sounds like a poor choice for me. Really, if it weren't a requirement for the War, I wouldn't bother with it. I hate them. Such beings…they come from bygone ages whose codes of conduct in war have been crushed over time. The battlefield is no place of honor, any more than I'm a man of honor. But I only care about one thing in this, and that's humanity's salvation. It's…all I have left…."

He clutched Irisviel's hand tight again, before an impulse seized him in spite of himself and he leaned over and pressed his lips gently to Irisviel's ivory knuckles.

"You could have me," Irisviel whispered against his ear. "For a little while."

Kiritsugu looked up at her, and smiled at being enveloped in the sweet bliss of the scent of irises and her warmth. "For a little while, eh?"

"Mm-hm." Irisviel nodded seriously, before she rested her head on his shoulder.

And though it provided him with such solace as he hadn't known in a very long time, as Kiritsugu went on holding her, he couldn't help the uneasiness that crept back into his soul.

In some ways, it seemed almost too good to be true. It certainly wasn't anything ordinary, but not since the night Kiritsugu lost Shirley and killed his father had there been much of anything that could be called ordinary in his life. Yet it seemed for Irisviel that she would follow Kiritsugu to the ends of the Earth, and Kiritsugu had to admit that if he could be with one person at the end of all things in this world he planned to destroy and recreate with his wish, he could think of no one but his sweet Iri.

On warmer days, the two of them walked together outside, like they did the day they found the nest of dead birds. And Irisviel would moan that she couldn't go beyond the Einzbern forest barrier.

"I wish I could go somewhere that isn't always winter, but the other seasons too. I want to see fields of flowers. I want to the see the sea shine like glass with my own eyes!" Irisviel sighed with a mixture of contentment and longing at the thought.

At which Kiritsugu would take her gloved hand in his. "One day, maybe, I could take you to those places. We can see those flowers, and the sea…together."

Even though it was unlikely, in those moments, Kiritsugu didn't care: he wanted to promise Irisviel everything that was denied her before. He wanted that for her, and she felt that fire within him burning so brightly when he would take her in his arms and kiss her.

And though she would respond in kind, it never escaped his notice that she would give him a small smile that he quickly realized was laced with something akin to melancholy. At least, that's how it seemed.

From there the creeping uneasiness grew, until he woke one night alone in his room, covered in sweat and shaking so bad and so sick to his stomach that he had to vomit in his bathroom sink. Looking up at himself, he thought he looked weaker than he ever had in his life, and had half a mind to punch the reflection of himself in the mirror, and only stopped because he knew that would solve nothing.

"What the hell are you doing?" he growled under his breath, clenching and unclenching his white fist before wiping off his mouth with the back of his hand. "This has to…this has to stop. She's going to die. Because of you."

Again, he had to stop himself from punching his reflection in the mirror.

Flexing his fingers, he hardened his heart and his resolve.

"It's time to wake up," he muttered, making an effort to return to that empty man he was before he met Irisviel von Einzbern.

He had everything planned out in his mind, had defenses in position for every eventuality. That was how he dealt with every aspect of his life.

What did happen was Irisviel tried to give him a kiss when he arrived in the library that day, and at once he took her by the shoulders and pried her off of him. No more fooling around.

Though Irisviel was understandably confused at this attitude, she was very smart about it, and assumed a calculative air of her own. She stepped back accordingly and gave Kiritsugu his space, but she wasn't about to be denied an explanation.

So Kiritsugu proclaimed at once that all of this could be nothing more than a meaningless act. Having turned away from her, he sank, unavoidably drained, into his chair by the fire, resting his chin on his folded hands.

"This can't go on any longer. We can't keep fooling ourselves like this. I can't keep fooling myself like this. Irisviel, I cannot love you, and you cannot love me. I tried to tell you…."

He felt Irisviel watch him, felt her reactive rigidity in the face of his rejection, even as she sat beside him. And then she said, in a very small, sad voice: "But why…Kiritsugu?"

"You know why. This can only end in tragedy, and that's not how a love should be. You will die as the vessel for the Grail, and I will be right there, causing that death. I will kill you for the sake of my ideals…as I did with my father…and Natalia…and for me to simply love you as I do when that happens is hard enough…but to have us legitimately acknowledge that love…as if we could be like any other couple…it's like the universe mocking us…." Kiritsugu shut his eyes, a surging mixture of love and anger threatening to break free despite his attempts to keep it in check. "After all the sins I've committed…I can't turn back…and you…I…how can I even think that I…could ever be worthy of your love?" The emotions rising up within him half-choked him before he could stop them, making it difficult to breathe, even as he did not speak above a hissing whisper.

"But what's wrong with loving something that will be destroyed?" Irisviel demanded, her tone shifting to something steelier.

"Because I will be the cause of that destruction, after I taught you how important it is to live," Kiritsugu growled bitterly. "There is no worse betrayal I could do you. To love you on top of that—if I could save you, that would be different, but…I can't…and all that awaits me in the wake of your destruction is my own death…if only…you didn't have to be the sacrifice…if I knew I could fight for you, and that we could live on together beyond the War…but I…."

An acutely painful sensation of grief came up like a knife blade, splicing together with the already burning blend of love and anger, roiling inside Kiritsugu even as he kept his outward appearance relatively serene. Everything was buried but raging brightly just beneath the illusively calm surface, even after as hard as he'd worked beforehand to empty himself as he used to be able to do with such ease.

The thought of exposing his heart again that way, this time knowing for a fact that he would lose this love, right from the very start, and that he would contribute to that loss, was more than he could bear, beyond any loss that had been forced upon him before by his ideals. The mere thought of it broke him more than he believed would be possible, but as he risked looking at Irisviel again, and the look on her face—a shining expression of suddenly smiling compassion he'd never yet seen there before—it rendered him almost entirely undone.

He shoved his dark hair out of his face, still finding it hard to get his breath, his whole body trembling as he felt literally torn between what he wanted to do and what he must do, and how either action evoked such keen amalgams of love, and anger, and grief.

"Listen, Kiritsugu." Irisviel ventured to rise from her chair and kneel beside his.

Kiritsugu grew even more tense, though he couldn't withdraw from her closeness. Something about it calmed him, as it always did, despite everything he was feeling.

"You've told me," Irisviel began, "that you have no vision of yourself beyond the War, that once you have achieved your goal, there will be nothing left for you but to perish in your own flames. Even when you realized you loved me." She sighed. "I know…I can see that perhaps it would be cruel to you…to us both…but, I can't help loving you. I don't believe it's a gift I should deny, even if all we have are nine more years together. Don't you think so too? You understand what a gift this is? To us both?"

Kiritsugu shook his head. "We have no hope…Irisviel…no future."

"No future?"

"Nothing except your blood on my hands. No love should be so cursed. Maybe this was all a waste of time…teaching you as I did."

Irisviel grasped him by the crook of his elbow and clung tight, before he could stop her. "No! Don't say that. Everything you've taught me…I could never give any of it up. You've given me such precious things, and they are so because they are proof that there are still beautiful, wonderful things in your heart. It means all the more to me then that I can be a part of what you hope for the future of the world. And as far as our future goes, we can carry that on as any other couple might do. We can create a whole new life, with a future all its own."

It took a moment for the implication of Irisviel's words to sink in, but she laid it out quite simply that it would be possible for the two of them to conceive a child that would carry within it all of Kiritsugu's hopes and prayers for the future that Irisviel no longer would be able to once she was sacrificed to the Grail. And at the same time, Irisviel believed that she might be fulfilled as a person in her own way by being given the chance to become a mother—something that was certainly never intended for a homunculus.

Kiritsugu stared at her, captivated as he always was now by that beaming expression flushed with pure excitement for the very life he had taught her to appreciate and fight for. "I'm not sure if you've thought this through," he finally managed to say, though he still didn't pull away from her warm grip on his arm. "Having a child is…."

"Actually, I have given it some thought." Irisviel's smile turned curiously shrewd. "Did you really think that everything you told me hadn't crossed my mind too, even for a moment?"

"I—" Kiritsugu had no real defense here. Indeed he had underestimated her. Again. Sheepishly, he muttered, "You had this in mind from the moment I walked in this morning?"

"Yes, regardless of what you had planned to tell me." Irisviel released Kiritsugu's arm and reached up, gently coaxing his folded hands apart and taking one of them in both of hers—and again, he did not resist. "I know this will be hard…but it will be worth it too…it's what I wish, and for all that you've done for me, I want you to be happy, despite what lies ahead for us both. I want to be the one to make you happy, if I can. This is my solution. I can give you a part of myself to have and to hold beyond the ashes of war, a reason to go on living. I want that so much for you."

"But…Iri…." Kiritsugu ironed his tired, shadowed face with his free hand. "Iri…why would you go so far…for me…for us…?"

"Well I am stronger than you." Irisviel's crimson eyes sparkled. "I've said so before, haven't I?"

Kiritsugu couldn't help a chuckle, which came out oddly watery. He had to concede to Irisviel's argument that true strength came not from killing before being killed, but enduring despite all that crushed down on one's shoulders.

While still clutching his hand with one of hers, Irisviel reached up with her other and touched his face, and his dark eyes were fixed with her red ones. "Kiritsugu."

Kiritsugu tried one last time to turn her away, but he couldn't find the strength to anymore, not when Irisviel was looking at him like that, not when she was willing to do so much just to give him a small dream of happiness, even if that dream would be short-lived. It was clear that she was more than grateful to him for all he had done for her, and that in and of itself was enough to give him hope that maybe…just maybe…his soul was not doomed to be completely lost…that he could find salvation in a child born from their love. The very thought of it lifted his spirits more than he would have expected.

Fervently he took Irisviel's hands in his now and kissed them, his throat tight. "I think I understand you now. It seems there's nothing more I can say. As usual, you've outdone me. Ah then…we may yet reach the Grail together, even if only in spirit by the end."

"Yes." Irisviel returned his embrace as he pulled her into his arms at last.

Enveloped in her scent of irises, Kiritsugu clutched her to his beating heart quite fiercely, wishing never to let go. "Iri…please bear me a strong child," he croaked beside her ear.

"I think I can manage that," Irisviel murmured into his hair, "if you would think of a name for it?"

"I will." Kiritsugu tenderly ran his fingers through Irisviel's soft silver hair.

Irisviel sighed. "My love…."

Kiritsugu held her even tighter. "Iri…I gave you all that's best in me, all that I wish I could be as a person…I had no choice but to fall in love with you, wouldn't you say?"

"You're right," Irisviel agreed. "Because you've brought about these things in me, I've wanted nothing more than to give you a reason to live, as you've done for me. For as long as I can."

Kiritsugu's tender smile widened softly. "Yes. God…you're wonderful. Brilliant."

Irisviel fell speechless, no doubt at the burning flame of love bright in his dark eyes when he pulled away enough to meet her gaze. Then she rose up and met the kiss he offered her, both of them basking in a love almost too beautiful and too divine to look at straight on, much like the ferocious brightness of pure sunlight, and equally as warm.

For now, Kiritsugu could believe in Irisviel, as fiercely as she believed in him.