INT: THE NURSERY - Miranda is led on the floor with the twins led either side in their play gyms. It is early morning, Miranda is in her PJs, so are the twins. Gary walks in all dressed in his chef gear.
GARY: Miranda? Have you seen my keys?
Miranda has her eyes closed. Gary thinks she didn't hear him.
GARY: Miranda? Hey!
MIRANDA: I can hear you! I'm trying to think! You come in late last night and you were very grouchy! I remember hearing you throw them down in anger. Try by the coat rack!?
GARY: Thank you!
Gary runs out of the room and down the stairs.
MIRANDA: 3, 2, 1!
GARY: Got them!
Gary runs back upstairs.
GARY: Are you going to be okay today?
MIRANDA: Yes, I'll be fine!
GARY: Are you sure?
Miranda is still led down with her eyes closed, she puts her arms behind her head.
MIRANDA: Gary! We will be fine! We are going to have some quality time at home, then venturing out to a mummy and me class!
GARY: Okay, well I'm not going to be just round the corner like most days!
Miranda's eyes shoot open, she stares Gary down and then stands up.
MIRANDA: I can look after our children all by myself Gary, I'm not completely useless!
GARY: I wasn't in any way insinuating that, I just meant that I won't be able to just pop back home for anything!
MIRANDA: Billy Bean, your daddy is on thin ice. I think he's about to fall through Gracie Bear!
GARY: Come on, I can't tell whether you are joking or not?
MIRANDA: Don't worry, I'm only joking!
Gary looks very relieved. He bends down and picks up Grace.
GARY: Well you three have fun today!
He kisses Grace and hands her to Miranda, then he bends down to pick up William.
GARY: Don't cause mummy too much trouble!
He kisses William and gives him to Miranda. She has hold of both twins. Gary then kisses her and exits.
MIRANDA: Right, and back to our positions!
Miranda gets back down on the floor, she lies William down and then Grace. Gary shouts from the stairs.
GARY: See you later! Don't spend all day sleeping!
MIRANDA: We won't! Have a good day!
Miranda looks to the camera.
MIRANDA: We probably will!
The front door shuts.
MIRANDA: Just a short nap!? It won't hurt! Considering I've been up since 4am! Billy's got colic, oh my goodness!
She settles back down on the floor.
MIRANDA: Pleasant dreams little ones!
Miranda starts snoring. Time ticks through to half ten. Miranda wakes. Neither babies are by her. She jumps up.
MIRANDA: William? Gracie?
She searches round the room but cannot find them anyway. Suddenly she hears Penny's voice from downstairs.
PENNY: Sounds like Mummy has finally woken from her slumber!
Miranda runs downstairs. Penny is in the kitchen, the twins are in their bouncers in the living room.
MIRANDA: Mum, what are you doing? I had a heart attack when they weren't there!
PENNY: You should be thanking me! I only popped over to use the computer.
MIRANDA: They were safe in their gyms and anyway, they can't go anywhere! They're only six weeks old!
PENNY: If you say so! Can I use the computer please?
Miranda nods as Penny pops her head round the door.
MIRANDA: I'm so sorry guys! Did mummy fall asleep?
Miranda kisses them. As she leans down to Gracie she realises that Gracie needs changing. She picks them both up out of their bouncers and walks back upstairs. She places William in his gym and then walks over to the changing area.
MIRANDA: Oh Gracie.
The nappy has leaked everywhere.
MIRANDA: Its like a volcano has erupted!
Gracie's stomach grows.
MIRANDA: Sounds like someone is hungry!
Miranda finishes changing her and places her in her baby gym. Suddenly William let's off one of the biggest farts known to man.
MIRANDA: Does that mean you also have a package for me?
She picks him up.
MIRANDA: Oh my! That's horrible!
She takes off the dirty nappy and cleans him up.
MIRANDA: Now no fountains today son!
She puts the new nappy then places him back on his baby gym. Picking Grace back up.
MIRANDA: Let's get your bottle.
She walks over to the corner of the room, there is a small fridge, it is full of bottles of milk. She puts it in the microwave for a few seconds. Grace starts to cry.
MIRANDA: Just a few moments Gracie Bear!
The microwave ends, Miranda grabs the bottle and heads over to the nursing chair. William starts to cry.
MIRANDA: Oh Billy Bean! Its okay!
She stands back up and pulls the play gym closer to the nursing chair. William continues to cry. Penny comes in.
PENNY: I'll get him!
MIRANDA: Mum, please, its okay! I can do it.
Miranda feeds Grace the bottle and uses her feet to move the play gym, distracting William.
PENNY: Well I'll be off then!
MIRANDA: Bye! Thanks for popping round!
Penny hesitates but finally exits.
MIRANDA: I'm doing okay? Aren't I?
She looks at Grace who is guzzling down her milk. Then to William who has decided to play with Miranda's toes instead of the numerous toys in his gym.
MIRANDA: You'd tell me if I wasn't right?
William starts laughing.
MIRANDA: Oh like that is it?
She starts to tickle him with her feet. Suddenly Grace starts to cry. She's finished with the bottle.
MIRANDA: You my girl, are one greedy baby!
Miranda winds her then lays her next to William, they start cooing to each other. She gets a bottle for William, heats it up and then sits back in the nursing chair with him.
MIRANDA: So in a bit we'll pop off to this mummy and me class I've found. Will be nice to meet some new mummies!
William drinks the milk quicker than Grace.
MIRANDA: Wow! Another hungry and greedy baby!
Again, Miranda winds him and places him on the floor. She goes over to the changing unit and gets their changing bags ready. It takes a little while to get everything together. William starts to cough, when Miranda looks round, he has been sick.
MIRANDA: Oh no, Billy Bean!
She picks him up and he's sick again.
MIRANDA: Let's strip you down.
Miranda strips him down to his nappy.
MIRANDA: Shall we find you a nice clean outfit to wear? We want you to look perfect for this new class.
She picks him up and goes over to the wardrobe. She chooses striped green trousers and a white T-shirt with a crocodile on and "Billy" written underneath.
MIRANDA: Here we go!
She gets him dressed and sits him up in his cot. When she turns around, she notices Grace has been sick as well.
MIRANDA: Oh no, not you as well? I hope you're not going down with something!
Miranda picks her up and takes her to the wardrobe. She chooses some orange striped leggings and a white top with a giraffe on with "Gracie" written underneath.
MIRANDA: You two are going to be the best dressed their!
Miranda gets Gracie changed. Then picks up William. She walks downstairs and places them in their bouncers. She tuns back upstairs and get both of the changing bags. She gets the buggy out of the garage and tries to put it up.
MIRANDA: Honestly I think it now requires a degree in engineering to set one of these up nowadays! So many buttons!
Finally she gets it up, she loads the bags on and as she walks back into the house the buggy tips up.
MIRANDA: So glad neither of the twins were in there! Stupid thing!
She runs back out and takes the bags off, and picks the buggy up. When she goes back in she takes to coats off of the rack and runs into the living room. She starts to put the one on William. It is an all-in-one coat, that looks like a crocodile. She runs him out to the buggy and straps him in then returns and puts Grace's coat on her. Again you guessed it, an all-in-one coat that looks like a giraffe! She carries Grace out to the buggy and straps her in. She sheepishly puts the bags back on the buggy, but the weight is level now so it doesn't tip. Miranda looks relieved. She pops back in to get her coat, keys and handbag, then she heads off. The class is being held in a local church, only ten minutes walk from her house.
MIRANDA: And we're off! I wonder who will be there?
She walks through the town, and literally bumps into Amanda Barnes. Amanda is pushing a buggy.
AMANDA: Mary! Fancy bumping into you again!
MIRANDA: isn't it just! How are you?
AMANDA: Now who are these two?
MIRANDA: Oh yes, a lot has changed since I saw you last! These at my twins. William and Grace.
AMANDA: Oh cute, Will and Grace, you say? Like the american TV show?
MIRANDA: Sorry!?
AMANDA: There was a TV show called Will and Grace? Guessing you are big fans?
MIRANDA: Never heard of it, I'm afraid! The names are family names. Who is this you have?
AMANDA: This is my youngest, Jonty.
Miranda looks to the camera.
MIRANDA: Jonty!? Ha!
AMANDA: So, how are Cliff and Richard coping?
MIRANDA: Who?
AMANDA: Your older boys!?
MIRANDA: Oh yes! They're brilliant! A big help!
AMANDA: My eldest stopped talking to me for a week when I told him he was going to be a big brother! Now Jonty is the fifth!
MIRANDA: Are they all boys?
AMANDA: Yep five active little boys. Hector, Jasper, Hugo, Xander and little Jonty here.
MIRANDA: Well its been lovely chatting, but I must get on, we have a mummy and me class to get to.
AMANDA: Oh you're going to that as well? We can walk together.
Miranda looks to the camera.
MIRANDA: Kill me now!
They walk on to the church. They are greeted by a lady.
JANET: Hi, you must be Miranda?
AMANDA: No, this is Mary!
JANET: I'm so sorry, our paperwork says Miranda with Billy and Grace.
MIRANDA: Its okay, my name is Miranda, but everyone calls me Mary.
Janet and Amanda looks at her oddly.
MIRANDA: Long story!
Janet shows them into the back room.
JANET: So today we are going to be doing hand and footprints!
Miranda is getting William out of the buggy. Janet offers to help and gets Grace out.
MIRANDA: Thank you, its hard with two!
JANET: I don't doubt it!
At the back of the room is a table full of different coloured paints and numerous pieces of paper. They all go and doe the activity. Afterwards when all of them have finished and have been cleaned up they sit and the parent chat. The children are in the middle of the circle.
JANET: So Mary, what do you and your, husband do?
Miranda doesn't react at first, then realises they are talking to her.
MIRANDA: Sorry, miles away! Well I own a small chain of Joke Shops, and my husband is a chef.
JANET: Do you work in the shops? Or are you at home with these two beauties?
MIRANDA: Mostly at home, but sometimes I have to muck in and do the odd shift.
JANET: And these are your only two?
MIRANDA: Oh no, I have ...
She hesitates.
MIRANDA: Two other boys. Cliff who is 12 and Richard who is 14.
JANET: So a big age gap then?
MIRANDA: Yeah, yeah there is! Gary and I had the boys young. These two were unexpected miracles!
AMANDA: Whose Gary?
MIRANDA: My husband!
AMANDA: I thought he was called Joseph?
MIRANDA: Oh yes! He is! I call him Gary, he hates it!
Amanda looks at her oddly once more.
AMANDA: Oh.
JANET: Oh my, look at the time! We best pack up!
Everyone starts to pack up, Miranda puts the coats back on the twins and puts them in the buggy. Suddenly she is tapped on the shoulder, she turns around and Amanda is holding William.
AMANDA: Um, I think we've swapped sons!
MIRANDA: Oh my!
Miranda takes Jonty out of the pram and takes the coat of him.
MIRANDA: I am so sorry! I wasn't looking properly!
AMANDA: Its okay! Easy mistake!
They swap the boys over, Miranda puts the coat on William and outs him in the buggy. She bends down and straps them back in properly.
MIRANDA: (To the twins) Now, listen here, no one needs to know about what just happened! What happens at Mummy and Me, stays at Mummy and Me!
Miranda looks to leave.
AMANDA: Wait up! Are you walking up to the school?
Miranda looks to the camera.
MIRANDA: (Mouthing) HELP!? What do I do?
AMANDA: No point in going home! I have to pick up Hector and Jasper, we could walk together?
MIRANDA: Oh my boys don't go to St Johns, they are at Harrowsmith.
AMANDA: Isn't that a private school?
MIRANDA: It is, its where Gar.. Joseph went.
AMANDA: Very nice! Well I guess this is goodbye! We'll see you next week!
They both exit the church and walk their separate ways.
MIRANDA: (To camera) A lucky escape there!
She quickly checks that she has the right babies.
MIRANDA: (To camera) I can't believe that just happened! Don't you dare tell anyone!
She continues walking, the camera stops, she looks back.
MIRANDA: Okay, maybe I do need help! Twins are a handful!
She walks on. SCENE ENDS.