Chapter Fifteen

Doubt

Though Kiritsugu was never keen on birthdays (and both his, Irisviel's, and Ilyasviel's were all overdue technically), he didn't mind the idea of gift days quite as much. In fact, he found he very much enjoyed, when he could, being able to dote on his wife and young daughter. He imagined it was something he'd have liked to have had the chance to do with Shirley, had he had more time. Even so, now with Irisviel and Ilya, it made him very happy to see them happy with his gifts.

Irisviel, for her part, never asked for anything more than for time with him, for time spent with both him and their precious, growing daughter. In that way, Kiritsugu wanted to give as much as he could of himself and the world to her, and to Ilya too.

In the wake of the incident with Malte, shortly after Kiritsugu's arm had healed, he thought it would lighten the mood if they had another gift day, especially since, concerning the aftermath of the incident itself, it was all handled rather stiffly by everyone, whether they were involved or not. They had a funeral, and for once Irisviel was dressed in a black version of her dress rather than her usual gold and white—the coloring gave her an increase in pallor that was ill-suited to her, for it made her seem cold and wicked and unlike herself—and Acht had convinced the rest of the family, particularly in the eulogy he addressed, that the golden boy of the Einzberns had died as a result of an accident in the alchemy lab, which was indeed plausible as Malte had been known to spend hours after dark down there on his own pet projects.

That aside, Kiritsugu, for his part, betrayed nothing on his face, even as Greta von Einzbern was the only one at the funeral filling the air with great, dramatic sobs.

On the day he and his family had their gift day as planned however, as he watched Irisviel peel open her package on the library sofa while Ilya sat on the floor and tore through hers with her little fingers, he noticed that his wife still seemed a little more solemn in spirit than usual.

"What's wrong?" he asked her, frowning. "You don't like it?"

Irisviel looked up from the new book he had given her of old German fairy tales, beautifully illustrated with grand and lustrous paintings. Ilya meanwhile squealed over the stuffed lamb her father had picked out for her from the ordering catalogue he preferred using for such things, hugging it to her and giggling, fast in love with its softness, her rapidly growing silver hair waving as she nuzzled it with vigor.

"Iri?" Kiritsugu prompted, as Irisviel had become drawn into watching her daughter's honest joy unfolding.

His wife came back to herself, and she smiled at him. Yet it was sad, like it was in those days when they were first falling in love, and he'd made promises that one day he would try to take her to see the flowers and the sea beyond this wintry castle.

"No, I love it," she told him, running her hand over the leather cover. "It's beautiful."

"A lot of those stories are rather gruesome," Kiritsugu admitted, a little ashamed. "But I know you love fairy tales, and there are…some very beautiful stories here…."

"Stories…you once believed in?" Irisviel asked tentatively.

Kiritsugu smiled, warm and gentle, because she spoke the words he couldn't. "Yes. Such beautiful lies but still…they'll always be beautiful. Even if they are lies. Lies I would happily tell Ilya if she asked me to, just to see a look of enchantment on her face."

As if she could already recognize when someone was talking about her, Ilya looked up then from her new toy lamb, her sweet red eyes wide with bemusement.

But as Irisviel still seemed troubled, Kiritsugu reached over and took her hand in his. "It's all right. I find I can still appreciate them for your sake. And someday…I'm making a world where fairy tales like this aren't fairy tales so much. At least as far as the ideals they convey. Remember?"

At this, Irisviel laughed softly. "Yes. How could I forget?" She squeezed his hand back. "Thank you."

"I'll make sure the world I wish of the Grail…the world you and I…make together…is a world you would be proud of," her husband promised her with affectionate earnest. "And Ilya will be happy and want for nothing."

"She'll be happy because she'll be with you," Irisviel pointed out.

"Yes, but the difference will be that every child in the world will have as much happiness as she will."

"Because there won't be any reason to be sad?"

"Exactly. Because of you…I can believe in that now. More than I ever have before." Kiritsugu ran his thumb over the back of her hand with reverence. "Thank you."

Irisviel's own red eyes flicked between her husband and her daughter.

Ilya meanwhile, who seemed to quickly grow confused by a lack of understanding what was going on, or that there was even anything she ought to understand, absently bit down on her new lamb's soft ear and sucked on it. Her developing baby teeth were bothering her again.

Kiritsugu couldn't help a little chuckle at this. "How does that ear taste, Ilya?" he teased. "Fluffy?"

Ilya made a sound at her father that almost might have been a, "Huh?" but either way it was too muffled by a mouthful of fleece and down.

Irisviel giggled. "I guess I won't be nursing her for very much longer now." She laid the book aside on the little table next to the sofa and got up to scoop both Ilya and stuffed lamb into her arms. She peered close into her daughter's face, examining her mouth as best she could. "They're like little pearls poking out of her gums."

Kiritsugu outright laughed at this as he too stood and drew Irisviel close, running a tender finger through Ilya's silver hair. "Is that what has you acting so subdued?" he asked his wife softly. "Because she's growing so fast?"

"Eh? Oh, no." Irisviel's soft smile was still a little sad, but she seemed reluctant to expound further.

"Then is it all that ugliness with Malte?"

"No, that isn't it either."

Still, she did seem content enough to lean into her husband's shoulder.

However, in the days that followed, Irisviel remained stuck in this funk, and Kiritsugu, no stranger to feeling helpless, did the only thing he could and turned his concern into action. He took the next afternoon off, and just after Irisviel had put Ilya down for a nap, Kiritsugu tugged her by the hand back to the library, leaving Ilya in Elke's care.

"Kiritsugu, I thought you had a lot to speak with Maiya about."

"Sorry, but this can't wait. It's obvious to me you need a change of pace."

"I…. Okay, but what did you have in mind?"

In the library, Kiritsugu dug out a box of playing cards and a small tin of toothpicks. He poked one of the toothpicks into his mouth the way he would have done with a cigarette, as he turned his usual chair around and sat in it informally, inviting Irisviel to sit with him.

"Playing cards?" Irisviel asked as she slid into her own usual seat.

Kiritsugu began shuffling the deck. "You've been wanting me to teach you for a while. I realize I've been remiss in my responsibilities as your teacher lately."

"Well…I…."

"I know this isn't what has you bothered, but…I thought it might help take your mind off whatever it is."

"Okay."

Kiritsugu was at least encouraged by her willingness, and even though, as expected, she caught onto the games he taught her quickly, she still seemed distracted. She didn't relish in her victories with her usual enthusiasm, and her defeats served to underline her growing, inexplicable depression.

During a game of Sevens, Kiritsugu made an attempt to coax it out of her. "So, are you going to tell me what's wrong?"

Irisviel shifted her cards around in her hands thoughtfully and then heaved a sigh, folding all together. "Kiritsugu…normally I wouldn't hesitate…but the thing is…this isn't something…I just don't know how to share this with you…because…it's just too much…." Her lip trembled and she bit down to steady it.

Kiritsugu could see she was on the edge of tears and that made it all the more painful. He folded his own hand of cards. "Please, Iri…tell me what to do.… I can't…. I can never bear seeing you unhappy."

"Oh, Kiritsugu," Irisviel whispered, looking up at him, her red eyes as sad as they were the day they were told that Ilyasviel would share her eventual fate if they failed claiming the Grail in the Fourth War. "My love…."

But when Kiritsugu tried to reach for her, she withdrew, abandoning her cards and hastily quitting the table. Though her husband stood too, he could only mournfully watch as she disappeared from the library.

I must let too much of my own sadness show, he mused, tracing the lines on the image of the red queen of hearts lying face-up on the table from his own hand. He knew that even when he was happy—she herself had made this observation to him—with his wife and daughter, he still had the whisper of an air of grief about him, much as he tried to hide it for their sakes.

Swallowing and taking a deep breath, he forced himself as he always did to dig himself out of the trap of indulging in his own sadness, and turn melancholy into cold action. He swept the cards off the table and put them away.

He returned to his office and, since Maiya was now not expecting his call, he thought it best if he didn't surprise her, and instead reviewed some satellite images from his network of hired spies, all of whom he'd never actually met but only communicated via voice-only secure-line computer chat, as a precaution.

After that was done, he left his office for the day and returned to the library. But Irisviel and Ilyasviel weren't there. He sought them in their rooms upstairs, but only Ilyasviel was there, playing on floor with her blocks while Elke watched impassively over her.

Upon learning from her that Irisviel was in fact out in the courtyard driving her Mercedes around, Kiritsugu thanked her and dismissed her. She bobbed a curtsy and left, and Ilya, finally breaking her focus on what she was building with her blocks, looked up and greeted her father happily, reaching up and waggling her tiny fingers. She squealed with delight when Kiritsugu picked her up.

"Ba, ba, ba, ba," she prattled, and then giggled.

Kiritsugu smiled. "My, aren't we vocal today?" He crossed over to the window, where he tried to get a good view of the courtyard.

Low and behold, the Mercedes came tearing around the corner, and he caught a glimpse of Irisviel in the driver's seat. Though she definitely would have had an accident on a normal public road, here her insane driving patterns were unimpeded by such rules. As she zigzagged, he thought he could detect an attitude of focused frustration about her.

Kiritsugu sighed again and appealed to his daughter. "Your mom seems preoccupied with some kind of trouble, and Daddy doesn't know what to do. What do you think, Ilya?"

Ilya pinched her eyebrows in imitation of a frown as she brushed her small fingers against her father's rough cheek. And then she turned to the window, where her mother still drove round and round in a frenzy, and she reached out. "Pa, pa, pa, pa," she said, and then appealed to Kiritsugu again. "Pa, pa…." She settled on gripping onto her father's necktie, and went on prattling as she smoothed her tiny thumb over the silky black fabric.

Kiritsugu laughed and kissed the top of her silver head when she laid it on his shoulder, still fascinated with his tie. "At least you're happy, my precious Ilya." He cradled her closer to his heart, smelling her sweet violet scent, laughing with her as she laughed when his nose brushed against her very ticklish and fat little neck.

The Mercedes disappeared and Kiritsugu heaved another beleaguered sigh. But something he noticed in his interactions with his wife and daughter was he had felt more himself, more like the boy from Arimago Island with a crush on Shirley, goofing off and showing up in front of his friends by diving off the highest cliff into the sea below. It was easy, and kindly nostalgic. So when Irisviel returned shortly after the Mercedes disappeared, despite everything, she and Kiritsugu had otherwise grown so comfortable with each other that they could still function with Ilya as a family.

Irisviel found her husband sitting on the floor with their daughter, watching as Ilya showed him all she could build with her blocks. And despite whatever it was that was causing her trouble, driving around in the Mercedes by herself with her own thoughts seemed to have done her some good and she joined them with a loving smile on her face.

"Is that really 'Papa' she's calling you?" she asked as she now had the prattling Ilya perched in her lap.

"It might turn out that way, but I think now she's just experimenting with making consonants," said Kiritsugu, watching his daughter with keen interest as she arranged her blocks again. "P's are very easy to say. A little easier than 'M's', but I think soon enough…she'll be able to say things like 'mama'." His eyes flicked up to his wife's face.

Irisviel absolutely glowed with pride at this. It seemed the idea itself was so wonderful to her that she couldn't even speak, she could only hug Ilya to her.

Kiritsugu shared in that small joy with her, her anticipation of hearing her child say that one little word: "Mama."

And then Irisviel looked up at her husband from nuzzling her face in her daughter's hair and finally just said, "Kiritsugu," with all the love she had for him in her heart.

Ilya's ears pricked up at the sound of the word so close and she looked up at her mother and then at her father, and a slur of sounds erupted out of her mouth like a hiccup.

"Keesugu!"

And then, amused by her own surprise, she let out a peal of giggles and clapped her tiny hands. The giggles were contagious and her parents joined in with their own laughter, hearing their daughter try to mimic the speech sounds that formed Kiritsugu's name.

It hurt a little, but Kiritsugu took the bitter with the sweet this time, as his daughter reminded him of the same way Shirley used to mispronounce his name…all those years ago.

The following day Irisviel was back in the Mercedes, driving in lots of figure-eight patterns in the courtyard. Indeed she favored turns best while driving. Kiritsugu watched her as he spoke on the phone with Maiya, and with some urgency since they had to catch up from missing the day before.

While Maiya was relaying to him some information gathered by his hired operatives working in the London Clocktower, Kiritsugu was able to process this information while at the same time reflecting on his wife's behavior. Even though she hadn't seemed as bothered by whatever had been causing her trouble, it was clear to him that she still had something heavy weighing on her mind. But driving seemed to give her an outlet and a way to focus her thoughts. And when she returned inside the castle, she seemed even more alleviated of whatever burden she was forcing herself to carry alone than she did the day before.

Kiritsugu didn't see her however until after he himself had finished his work with Maiya and all the intelligence his agents had gathered that afternoon. And when he reached the door to their bedroom, his keen ears picked up the sound of Irisviel softly singing one of the lullabies she liked best to sing to Ilyasviel, which was in fact an old German folksong, but no less lovely.

"The moon has risen/ The little golden stars shine/ In the heavens so clear and bright/ The woods stand dark and still/ And out of the meadows rise/ A wonderful fog./ How the world stands still/ In twilight's veil/ So sweet and snug/ As a still room/ Where the day's misery/ You will sleep off and forget./ Do you see the moon standing there?/ You can only see half of it/ And it is so round and beautiful!/ Such are several things/ That we laugh at mockingly/ Because our eyes do not see…."

The words felt familiar to Kiritsugu somehow, as though they echoed some deeper part inside of him, but he couldn't say for certain what that was. Poking his head inside as the song came to a close, he found Irisviel just as he expected, sitting in her chair by the crackling fire and cradling Ilya against her with her head tucked under her chin. Only the hardest of hearts would have been unmoved by such a tender picture of maternal adoration radiating from Irisviel now as she watched over her sleeping child in her arms, and Kiritsugu should know, having lived a long time with a very hard heart indeed.

Iri….

And then his wife looked around, having heard him open the door, if quietly. "Ah, Kiritsugu," she whispered.

He was glad to see that she seemed so much calmer and happier. After he closed and locked the door gently behind him, Kiritsugu crossed over to them and dropped a kiss on his wife's brow, and softly stroked back his daughter's bangs. As he withdrew, he tucked back Irisviel's hair behind her ear, touched her cheek with tender lightness. "How are you feeling?"

"Quite well, naturally. Why would I be anything else?"

"Iri..."

Irisviel sighed, and even though she was sharing his smile, it also reflected his own anxiety for her. Even so, she did appear to have come to a decision about something.

"Now that our little one's asleep, what say you to having me teach you a card game?" Irisviel suggested. "After you've eaten, of course."

"All right," said Kiritsugu agreeably, and he gathered the sleeping Ilya up into his arms. As Irisviel had already slipped her into her little violet nightdress, he could carry her right over to her crib and settle her in for the night. Holding her close, he caught that whisper of her natural scent of violet blossoms again, and that alone was reason enough to give her a kiss on the top of her silver head too.

For a moment, he watched as his child slept after he'd tucked her in, put under a kind of spell by the soft sound of her breathing, the rise and fall of her little chest. Something unique to children it seemed was their slumberous breathing was always soft but audible, and there was a sense of comfort that Kiritsugu gained from it, serving to quell his concerns for Irisviel a little.

"She only seems to get sweeter with time," Irisviel reflected in a low, affectionate voice. She looked over at her husband. "You sure you don't want to give that lullaby singing a try?"

Kiritsugu chuckled and shook his head as always whenever this came up. "I couldn't."

There came a soft knock and Elke arrived, meaning Kiritsugu's dinner was served in the library, and he and his wife could go down while she watched over the sleeping Ilya.

While Kiritsugu ate, Irisviel always had a cup of tea to balance things out. And though they conversed as usual about little things like weather and tactics they had covered earlier that day in combat practice and how Irisviel had spent her time with Ilya, Kiritsugu had a sense that Irisviel had an ulterior motive in whatever card game she planned on teaching him. That made him no less curious though—perhaps more so on the off-chance he was finally going to discover what was troubling her—and he expressed eagerness to learn the moment he finished eating.

He frowned in minor confusion as he watched her pick up one of the decorative bowls on one of the other library tables and set it between them.

And then she said, "This…is the Holy Grail."

After a beat, Kiritsugu couldn't help a snort of laughter. "I'm sorry," he apologized sincerely. "For some reason that came across as a little absurd."

Irisviel gave him an outright scowl that told him she meant serious business right now, and humbly he retracted his amusement.

"I'm sorry," he repeated.

His wife continued as if he hadn't said anything. "This is the Holy Grail. And these cards—" She set the deck of playing cards out next to the empty bowl "—are wishes to be offered to it."

"I see…."

"Would you like to go first?"

Kiritsugu slowly pulled half of the deck towards him. "So…I just make a wish and toss a card into the…Grail?"

Irisviel nodded. "Precisely."

"Okay…."

Though he wasn't sure where this was leading to, he decided to play along. That was the only way he could really find out, it seemed.

"Can it be anything?" he asked after a moment of thought. This was, after all, just a game…right?

"Oh yes," said Irisviel, actually smiling now. "Nothing serious here. We're just playing."

Just as I thought. "All right." Kiritsugu thought another minute, and then said, "I wish…I could eat a meal in this castle that wasn't so rich and or boiled," as he tossed a card into the bowl.

He was pleased to see this encouraged a giggle out of his wife, despite how somber she was being a moment ago.

On her turn she said, "I wish to be able to teach Ilyasviel to ice-skate the same way her father's teaching me now."

"I think that can be arranged," said Kiritsugu with a grin that happily further lifted Irisviel's spirits. "All right…let's see…I wish for…Acht to grant my next request to install a video game consul next to the VCR."

Irisviel blinked. "A video game consul?"

"To play video games, obviously." Kiritsugu laughed again. "I was wondering if it might be something new you'd enjoy."

"Well I won't know until you show me how to play on one," said Irisviel, sharing in her husband's laughter this time rather than reprimanding it.

Another good sign.

"Okay. Let's see…." Irisviel rolled her eyes up to the ceiling as she gave her next wish some thought, and then said, "I wish my husband wouldn't be so prickly when I suggest he try on a new outfit."

Kiritsugu winced. "Iri…."

"Really, Kiritsugu, I think you'd look classically dashing in a tuxedo."

"Like an opera singer."

"Like an opera singer."

"You do realize that for me that's completely ridiculous?"

"That's what makes it so fun," Irisviel teased as she tossed her card into the bowl. "Anyway, it's not like I'd try to make you sing opera. You have a hard enough time with the idea of singing our daughter a lullaby."

Kiritsugu rolled his eyes but at the same time he couldn't help another smile. "Very well," he went on, taking his turn then, "now I wish more than ever that I could just whisk you, Irisviel, away from here. Whisk you away from here and take you out shopping for whatever you wanted."

Though Irisviel expressed being taken aback by this, it was clear she was also very happy to hear it. In fact, if he didn't know better, Kiritsugu could've sworn that, as his words sunk in, she was actually fighting back tears behind her smile.

Pursing her lips she managed to say, "I…I think I'll pass my next turn. You make another wish."

"Okay…." Wary, Kiritsugu slowly withdrew another card from his dwindling half of the deck. "Then I also wish for my wife and daughter to be utterly happy, for as long as I can make them happy, for as long as we have with each other, and that when the time comes, my daughter and I will be so close that nothing will be able to tear us apart."

Instead of tossing this card in, he laid it in the bowl that was the Holy Grail with reverence, his gaze never breaking from Irisviel's.

At this, Irisviel could hold back her tears no longer. They spilled without her granting them permission to do so, flowing freely like raindrops rolling down a glass pane. "Kiritsugu…."

Kiritsugu laid the rest of his cards aside and reached for Irisviel's hands. "Iri…can you please tell me what it is that's causing you such pain?"

Irisviel hiccupped, and though she kept out of his reach, she did speak as she bowed her head with her remaining cards clutched in her shaking hands, the tears splashing delicately on the wood of the table. "I've been so scared…you might have felt…cornered…all this time…."

"Cornered?"

"Like I forced you into a situation that traps you. I mean…you don't feel as though you've become imprisoned by me and Ilya? You don't feel as though I ensnared you with the idea of giving birth to Ilya just as a way to keep you from abandoning the love between us? Was I selfish? Did I ask too much of you?"

"I…."

As he thought about it, Kiritsugu quickly realized that his wife had something of a point. That wasn't to say that she had in any way tricked him with suggesting they have a child to give their love meaning and a future that would at least carry on the life Irisviel would leave behind. She had been optimistically persuasive, of course, but because of this, it had given Kiritsugu a reason to believe that despite everything, he could still find happiness with this woman with whom he'd irrevocably fallen in love.

But still…he had of course pondered the possibility that these feelings stirred up inside him because of the love he had found not just with Irisviel, but with Ilyasviel too might cause him problems when he would have to resume his role as a ruthless killer for the Fourth Grail War. He had imagined Natalia having had these same regrets moments before her death. He had gone over all of this in his own mind, but he had forced himself not to let it come up at all or bother him, because he wanted to believe that it wouldn't be a problem, nor did he want to cause his wife any pain if he could help it. And given the strength of his resolve to carry out his purpose for this War, he weighed the probability and found it to be highly in his favor. He couldn't imagine it any other way. He knew he could be weak now and then, but for all of that, he knew there was no turning back, regardless of what had grown between him and Irisviel and the daughter they'd conceived and brought into the world together.

Even so…the grief for the death that he knew must come would be there, no matter what he did. The death of the woman he loved most dearly.

He felt a lump rise in his throat, and now he reached again for his weeping Irisviel, this time as much for himself as he did for her.

"Iri."

Irisviel gulped, but it seemed she could no longer bear denying herself the comfort of his touch. She laid her own cards aside and accepted his offer. As they clasped hands across the table, she met his bittersweet smile.

"I know…I've known from the beginning…that this could only end in tragedy for us, that…that I must lose you…."

Kiritsugu's throat grew too tight for him to go on speaking for a moment, and he had to swallow again and take a deep, steadying breath to regain his composure.

"Despite that…you've given me something I never could have dreamed of having, and in the end, I found that I was happy to have it, regardless of how much it exposed the heart I had guarded for so long. But you mustn't worry. After all is said and done, I have no other choice but to push on. You've told me, again and again, I mustn't waver, and you're right. There's no other choice for me, that hasn't changed. I won't be able to go on if I give up on this last dream. I've put too much of my life into it, I've sacrificed too much of my soul. At the same time though, because of this, I have a reason to push on with even greater strength and resolve, because of you, because of your love, and the love I found I could give you when I thought I couldn't. Because of the love I found I could give a child, our child…and because of that, when all of this is over, I'll cherish Ilyasviel for the rest of my time in this world. I'll give her all I have left in me and more. I'll take care of her and protect her with my life, and raise her to be as kind and sweet and strong as her mother…."

Though the words he'd spoken had given him strength, rather than made him crumble inward, as he'd feared they would, they trailed away at the sight of Irisviel giving a small cry and burying her tearful face in his hands, heaving with a breaking flood of sobs that he knew without having to ask were each torn from her heart in a passionate expression of both joy and sorrow.

"My love…."

Mustering his kind and bittersweet smile again, he managed to get up from the table so he could come around and pull his wife up to her feet and into his arms. For what felt like a very long while, he simply held her as she cried, stroking her soft silver hair and whispering gently to her, wrapped up in her lovely iris scent. He felt his own breaking heart beat against hers, and he pressed her even closer for it, though he kept his own desperation in check.

"Please don't be sad, Iri…."

He pressed a kiss to her temple and went on holding her, as dearly as he held onto this moment with her.

"Then you won't…regret this…?" Irisviel finally gasped out.

"No," he told her without thinking.

But then…if he had to be honest with himself, he was regretting it a little. How could he not? He kept making this mistake over and over again, no matter what he tried. For him, love was a curse as much as it was a blessing, the thorn as much as it was the rose.

Even so, when he pulled back to take Irisviel's tearful face in his hands, he could scarcely breathe for being so moved by her. It compelled him to move her in return, and he leaned in and kissed the tracks of her tears, nearly crying himself at the taste of their salt. He felt her softly draw in her breath when he laid a kiss on each of her dewy, glittering sets of eyelashes.

And then he found her lips, and he found himself wanting her as fiercely as ever, a riotous symphony bursting in a crescendo at the sound of her watery laughter when she pulled away for air. Their eyes found each other, softly, and Kiritsugu traced the line of her bottom lip with the faintest touch of the pad of his thumb, before he kissed her there again and then gathered her to him, pressing his cheek against hers.

As she sighed against him, he murmured in her ear, "Does this feel like regret?"

He felt her shake her head. "No. Not at all."

"Good."

Kiritsugu clung to the simplicity of Irisviel's happiness then. If he hadn't, it was all he would've been able to do to keep himself from succumbing to a torrent of sobs himself.

As it was, he had to conceal one thing Irisviel's game hadn't meant to reveal, and that was that a life spent with his new family was doing its damnedest to win him over from his lifelong dream of bringing true peace upon the Earth. And he realized with a sinking weight of dread that if he was going to keep that from happening, he was going to have be sure to be more the cunning beast than ever before when the final hour approached.

However…would he be strong enough anymore…to play the host of such a rampant of murderous impulses…and still come back a human and a father to Ilyasivel? In this, he was beginning then to have his doubts. And that broke his heart quite as much as the inevitable loss of Irisviel did.