Chapter Nineteen
Twilight of Joy
Mercilessly, time progressed stoically onward, even as Kiritsugu tried to make the most of it with his little family. Still, he kept up well and efficiently with his preparations for the Grail War as they entered their final year before its commencement.
In the midst of this, Jubstacheit summoned Kiritsugu alone to the ritual chamber one day, which was only unusual because up until now, he had never asked for the two of them to speak alone. The only times they had spoken alone were when they first met and when Acht showed Kiritsugu Irisviel's cultivating tank, and when Kiritsugu had gone to Acht complaining of Irisviel's inadequacy when he'd first met her.
Something about this boded ill as far as Kiritsugu was concerned.
When he entered the great and gloomy chamber, Acht was waiting for him at the altar, his hands clasped behind his back. He turned at Kiritsugu's approach, and given the setting, Kiritsugu somehow felt it would be appropriate to kneel, so he did.
"You summoned me, Elder?"
"Yes, Emiya, there is something I desire to discuss with you." Acht stroked the frozen waterfall of his beard for a moment, observing Kiritsugu, his trump card, with calculative coldness that was altered in its attitude. Almost as though he held Kiritsugu in some kind of minor, icy contempt. And then he went on, pausing in stroking his beard: "You have...shifted..."
Kiritsugu frowned. "I don't understand your meaning."
Acht frowned too, looking deeply perturbed about something. "Your relationship with Irisviel...is extremely unique. I fear...that as much as it has changed her...it has changed you as well. And not for the better of our goal."
Kiritsugu had a sudden impression like he was talking to a shadow of the assassin beast that lived buried inside of him. "Achieving that goal has not changed priority."
"Yes but...others..." Jubstacheit stroked his beard again, and then said, "You should know, Emiya, that I do not take kindly to any betrayal. One step against me..."
"I swear you have nothing to fear on that count, Elder," said Kiritsugu, adopting a rarely used tone of submission. "I have no greater desire than to win you the Grail. With your blessing."
Even if I do use it to put an end to this ridiculous War, as I will put an end to all wars. But with the Grail in hand, and Irisviel fighting at my side, it will be too late for you to stop me.
He hid all of this easily behind his old mask of emptiness, and eventually it seemed Acht interpreted this as an indication of Kiritsugu's "true nature" of being a ruthless, cold killer. After all, this was the man who had killed his own golden grandson without pity. Surely...
"Very well then, Emiya. We will proceed as planned. You are dismissed."
Kiritsugu inclined his head respectfully. "Thank you, Elder."
But he still felt the old sage's eyes on his back as he left the chamber.
On his way to the library from his office work that day though, the true ugliness of his situation reared its head again when the hall was suddenly pierced with a shrill scream that was unmistakably Ilyasviel's.
The sound ran through Kiritsugu's heart like a knife, and turned his blood very cold indeed. Breaking into a run, he burst into the library just to find that Irisviel had collapsed again, like she did that day in the early stages of her pregnancy, while Ilya had burst into tears as she desperately tried to wake her mother.
"Mama! Mama! Mamaaaaaaa...!" She lifted her tearful face to her father upon his arriving at her side and kneeling beside his fallen, unconscious wife. "Daddy, Mommy needs help, please help her..." she pleaded.
Kiritsugu took hold of Irisviel's hand, felt how cold and clammy it was. Her brow shone with sweat.
"Iri..."
Irisviel moaned. Like before, it looked like every shallow breath she took caused her pain. "Ilya...Kiritsugu..."
The doors opened again, but Kiritsugu didn't have to look up to know it was Elke also answering the call of Ilyasviel's scream.
"Stay with my daughter," he commanded her, already scooping Irisviel up into his arms, Ilya watching fearfully. "Irisviel needs to see Elder Acht in the alchemy chamber at once."
"No, I'm coming with you!" Ilya insisted, getting to her feet.
"No, Ilya," said Kiritsugu at once. "Stay with Elke."
Despite his tone declaring that there was to be no arguing the matter, this time, Ilya wasn't simply being willful or defiant: her fear for her mother was such that she could bear no alternative but to stay near her until she knew she would be okay.
"No, I'm coming with you," she repeated, her expression more serious than her father had ever seen on her before.
For this, he gave in.
"Very well. Then stay close."
"Yes, Daddy."
Elke watched impassively as Kiritsugu carried Irisviel out of the library, Ilya following solicitously at his heels.
As they made their way to the alchemy chamber, Kiritsugu felt his daughter switch between looking up at him and at her mother in his arms.
"What happened, Ilya?" he asked her softly, more gently.
"Mama and I were playing cards...and then she said, 'Ilya, can you ask Elke to get Daddy?' and then she made a sound like she was hurt and fell out of her chair onto the floor and...I couldn't...wake her up...I was so scared..." Ilya hiccuped, trying very hard to hold back more tears. "She'll be okay...won't she?"
"Of course she will," Kiritsugu assured her. "Grandfather Acht will make her better."
Ilya gave a little whimper. "Grandfather Acht scares me. He didn't used to but now I see the way he looks at me...I don't like it..."
Kiritsugu looked over at his daughter's anxious face and worked up a smile for her. "It'll be all right, Ilya. Daddy's here."
"Okay." Ilya pressed closer to him.
When they reached the alchemy chamber, Irisviel was paler and spiking a fever. But at Kiritsugu's summons Acht arrived promptly and admitted them inside.
Ilya pressed even closer to Kiritsugu as she took in all the shining, sharp instruments, the cold flasks and test tubes. Once Kiritsugu came to a stop to lay Irisviel on one of the examination tables, she took a hold of his trouser leg in her tiny fists.
Acht meanwhile began his examination, feeling Irisviel's forehead and prodding her here and there. Kiritsugu kept his tense feelings a secret, but his hand patted Ilya comfortingly on her silver head, freezing only when Irisviel gave a sudden convulsion and a cry of agony, as though she were being torn from the inside.
"Mama!" Ilya cried out, and began to sob again as she let a terrible despair consume her.
Before Kiritsugu could comfort her, Jubstacheit flicked an icy glare her way and snapped, "Be quiet!", displaying the first flicker of true emotion Kiritsugu had ever seen in him before.
At this, Ilya cried harder and shrank behind her father. But Kiritsugu read the growing danger in Jubstacheit's eyes and shielded his daughter entirely from the family head's view.
"Elder," he said, not without a tone of danger of his own.
Jubstacheit turned his icy glare onto Kiritsugu, and as Ilya went on wailing, finally said through what was clearly a clenched jaw: "Take her out of here. Now."
Kiritsugu didn't need telling twice. Without another word, he picked up his crying daughter and, holding her close, took her out of the alchemy chamber, giving one last lingering look at his wife while Acht turned to prepare a new elixir to stabilize her.
Outside, in the quiet of the hall, Ilya's sobs were muffled by her father's shoulder. Finding them a nice spot where the clear winter sun from the window poured in and warmed a part of the marble floor, Kiritsugu slid down against the opposite wall and cradled Ilya to him, stroking her back and speaking softly to her. It made his heart hurt terribly to see her so distraught.
Then Ilya finally lifted her teary face from his shoulder and sniffled, "I'm sorry, Kiritsugu. Ilya didn't mean to make Grandfather angry. Ilya wishes she could be stronger...like Mama and Kiritsugu."
Kiritsugu reached up and took Ilya gently by the shoulders. "Look at Daddy, Ilya. You are far stronger than you know. But even strong people get scared and cry. The difference between people who are strong and people who aren't is that people who are face what they have to when the time comes. Even so, sometimes even the strong need help getting back on their feet."
"Okay, but Ilya doesn't think she's all that strong."
"But Daddy believes in his baby girl, so it must be true. Maybe she just isn't the kind of strong she wants to be yet, eh?"
"Okay..." Ilya's voice broke as she started weeping again. "Then is it okay...if Ilya cries, but you still say she's strong?"
"Of course, little one." Kiritsugu hugged his daughter to him as she gave great heaving sobs again, whimpering and wailing into his suit jacket, as though she were being torn at by vicious beasts.
It threatened to bring Kiritsugu to tears too, but he couldn't allow himself to cry in front of his daughter. Not when she needed him to be the one who wasn't crying.
Eventually though, she wore herself out from crying and just couldn't cry anymore. So she settled for curling up against her father and absently picking at his shirt buttons. Kiritsugu felt bittersweet at this, for it had been a while since she'd done something like this.
"Hey, Ilya," said Kiritsugu.
Ilya looked up, wiping at her eyes. "What?"
Kiritsugu reached over and wiped away the tears his daughter missed. "Would you like to hear a story?"
Ilya's crimson eyes that were just like her mother's lit up. "Uh-huh. Okay."
And Ilya settled into Kiritsugu's lap again, her ear pressed against his big, strong heartbeat. Kiritsugu meanwhile rested his chin on her small head as he began.
"This is the story of the world where no one cried—"
"No one cried?"
"Yes, because everyone was happy and got along with each other, and no one ever made anyone else suffer. And the ruler of this world was a little queen named Ilyasviel."
Ilya sucked in her breath and looked excitedly up at her father. "Me?"
Kiritsugu laughed affectionately. "Yes. you. And she was a kind ruler, famous for having made this world a place where no one cried. And she protected it with the help of Kerry, her trusty—"
"Knight?"
"No, horse."
"Kiritsugu!" But Ilya was laughing.
"But that's what he was!" Kiritsugu insisted. "Daddy wouldn't make something like that up."
"Well okay, if you're sure..." Ilya gave him a skeptical look out of her eye, but decided to go with it when he stood his ground. "So what happened?"
"Queen Ilyasviel and Kerry, usually, spent their days together once all the royal business had been taken care of, playing games outside," Kiritsugu explained. "And they were very happy, the two of them. But the wonderful thing was because the world was the way it was, everyone could be just as happy as they were.
"But then one day, a mage called the Wizard of Sorrow came to Queen Ilyasviel's world and claimed that he would flood it with everyone's tears, because he would tear that world apart and cause all who lived within it pain.
"Well, Queen Ilyasviel certainly wouldn't stand for that, so she rode out on Kerry and wielded her secret weapon, which wasn't really a weapon at all, but a very special power that Ilyasviel possessed because she was the sweetest person who had ever lived. And that power was the Power of Kindness. To an outsider, it might've sounded silly, but nevertheless, it was all Queen Ilyasviel needed to take on the Wizard of Sorrow.
"With her Power of Kindness, Ilyasviel was able to vanquish the efforts of the Wizard of Sorrow, by bringing him joy, so that he felt no need to make other people sad. And from that day on, he shared in her and Kerry's dream of filling the world with nothing but boundless love."
"Wow…" Ilya breathed, awestruck.
The door to the alchemy chamber opened, and Jubstacheit appeared, looking forbidding. But he nodded curtly in Kiritsugu's direction, and then swept away, whereupon two other Einzbern homunculi, Meike and Nele, entered the chamber single file.
Kiritsugu stood, setting Ilya gently on her feet. She kept pace with him at his ankles as he reentered the chamber himself, and while the two homunculi proceeded to clear up the mess of bottles on the workbench, Kiritsugu made a beeline for Irisviel, who thankfully appeared to be resting at ease on the examination table, deep in sleep.
"Is Mama better?" Ilya whispered.
Kiritsugu's smile this time was more reassuring. "Yes, she just needs to sleep now. Like those times when you were hurt," he said as he gently took Irisviel back up into his arms.
As before, Ilya followed close as her father carried her mother back to their rooms and laid her gently on the bed.
After he'd covered his wife up with the blankets, he turned to his daughter, kneeling on her level and stroking back her silver hair. "Once Mama has enough rest, she'll be right as rain."
"And Kiritsugu and Ilya will stay with her," said Ilya, and there was a strength shining in her eyes that Kiritsugu dearly wished his daughter could see for herself.
Even so, he was proud of her. He had asked Irisviel if she would bear him a strong child, and she had more than outdone herself with their Ilya.
Unfortunately, their vigil stretched long into the night, and even though Kiritsugu made an exception given the circumstances and allowed Ilyasviel to stay up past her bedtime, much as she tried to fight it, she nodded off in Kiritsugu's lap anyway. Kiritsugu was glad though. He wanted her to get plenty of rest too, after what happened today.
Ilya did have a chance to expound further on what she thought of his story from earlier, and proclaimed that she was more than satisfied with the ending, saying someday she would be that kind of queen, but that for now she was happy being Kiritsugu's princess, to which Kiritsugu responded by giving her a kiss on her silver head.
After he put his now sleeping daughter to bed, he returned to his post beside Irisviel, watching her with that same intent patience that he used waiting out her recovery the last time this happened, that he used waiting out Ilya's birth, that he used countless times on those hellish, nighttime battlefields, when there was nothing but the torture of waiting.
And then Irisviel opened her eyes, giving a little sigh, as though she'd been released from a spell. Which in a way, she had been. She blinked and looked over at her husband, managing a smile.
"I'm sorry, Kiritsugu...it seems I've caused you a bit of trouble again. But here you are to greet me, just like always."
Kiritsugu shook his head. "Don't worry about it. How're you feeling?" He tried to keep the tremor out of his voice. Hopefully this was the last time this happened before the War, but then when the time did come for this to happen in order to manifest the Grail, asking his wife such questions would be tragically meaningless.
But Irisviel kept her smile strong. "Much better, thank you. But what about you? And Ilya? Is she okay? That must have frightened her so terribly..."
Kiritsugu of course had expected no less of his wife than for her to think of Ilya and him in all of this more than herself. "Ilya's fine, she's sleeping," he assured her. "I managed to calm her down."
"Ah, did you finally give that lullaby singing a try?" Irisviel teased.
"No," Kiritsugu chuckled. "I told her a story." And he summarized the basic plot of the uplifting tale he had woven for their daughter to take her mind off her distress for her mother.
Irisviel naturally was just as enchanted as her daughter had been. "That sounded wonderful, Kiritsugu. Sublime."
Kiritsugu scratched the back of his neck. "I'm just glad it made her feel more at ease. Even so, I have a feeling that any man who might fall for her one day ought to be wary of crossing her."
And then Irisviel's expression turned entirely melancholy. "Kiritsugu..."
"Iri?" Then Kiritsugu remembered himself, and felt ashamed for letting his thoughts run away like that. "I'm sorry. I know...thinking of things like that for her is hard..."
Irisviel turned her crimson eyes up to the ceiling. "Maybe we're wrong though, and she'll grow up normally after all, especially if we...put an end to the Grail Wars with your wish..."
"That's a very slim 'maybe'," Kiritsugu said soberly. "I really don't think...after...looking into it...watching her grow...all those damned adjustments when you were pregnant with her…she probably won't even develop any secondary sexual characteristics, even as she gets older. She's just...so tiny...for a seven-year-old-going-on-eight..."
"Kiritsugu..."
Kiritsugu looked up at his wife, and was suddenly struck with a terrible ache at how fragile she appeared, her crimson eyes bright with tears and more desolate than he had ever seen them. It was all he could do to keep from being crushed inward by his own rising sense of despair. Seeing her like this, it broke his heart more than he could bear for long.
"I just want her to be happy," he croaked in an undertone.
Irisviel reached for his hand, understanding, and he held on tight to her, tight but gentle. The two of them looked at each other again, and at Irisviel still looking so helpless, Kiritsugu leaned over and touched his forehead to hers. The storm of his heart achieved a calm then, surrounded by the sound of Irisviel's breathing, relieved that though at first she came off tense, she too was calming down in being close to him like this.
In a way, there was some normalcy to this. In this moment, they were simply two parents sharing their fears for their child, and Kiritsugu actually clung onto that fact, and that ocean-size weight that always threatened to drown him in its darkness was merciful and instead lifted him towards the light.
"Iri..." he murmured.
And then his wife reached up and touched his face. "Not much longer now...and you'll be free, my love."
"Yes," Kiritsugu rasped, and, unable to hold back any longer, he took her mouth in his and kissed her with all the words of love he couldn't seem to say.
She responded with equal tenderness and passion, twining her arms around his neck, their tears mingling together, two rivers meeting and flowing as one. And Kiritsugu knew, without having to hear her say it just yet, that when the time came, she would even be with him to give him the strength he would need to let her go.
The following morning of course, Ilya was quite eager to see how her mother was doing, and all the more pleased to be greeted by both of her parents awake and well, Irisviel sitting up in bed with a new book—a copy of Thomas Moore's Utopia, of all things—and Kiritsugu sitting beside her, right where his daughter had left him.
She ran eagerly up to her mother and threw her arms around her neck, and the two of them laughed robustly, and then Ilya kissed her mother's cheek.
"Ilya's so happy to see Mama's awake!" she said, and then kissed her mother again before she skipped over to greet her father with a hug and a kiss for him too.
After she bounced away again to get dressed, Kiritsugu shook his head and chuckled, amused as ever by the pure happiness that radiated from his child. That alone was its own little miracle too, one he'd helped to cultivate, and he was proud of that.
Irisviel chuckled too. "She rebounds rather quickly, wouldn't you say?"
"She feels much like any child does, unbound by rules of appearance," Kiritsugu astutely observed. "If she's happy, she expresses it without restraint. It's the same when she's sad, or scared, or angry. But I'm glad. I don't want her to lose that passion."
"I don't either," Irisviel agreed.
Kiritsugu's eyes found Utopia again, and now that Ilya was gone from the room he could ask the question he'd been about to before Ilya had come in to greet them both. "So, what compelled you to read that?"
"The story you told me you told to Ilya reminded me of it, so I had Elke bring it while you were sleeping." Irisviel's expression was playful, even if all this culminated in the absolute sneakiest thing she would ever do right under her husband's nose. But then her expression turned to one of concern. "Are you sure your back doesn't hurt from sleeping in such a stiff chair?"
"It wouldn't be the first time I've slept that way," Kiritsugu admitted. He frowned at the book again.
Irisviel didn't fail to notice. "Does it bother you…that I wanted to read it?"
"Hmmm…just a little. Maybe. I couldn't say."
"I have to say, I'm a little surprised that you would be, given the premise. After all, you did mention it as being one man's vision of a perfect world from ages past."
"Yeeeeeeeeeees, but…" Kiritsugu began slowly, "there's a flaw to it that undoes it all."
"Ah?"
"In recorded instances where people have tried to put it into practice, it's only worked on a very small scale, with a community of only twenty or so people. That's rather pathetic, wouldn't you think?"
"At least they were trying. Besides, it still means something that after so many centuries, this man's vision of a perfect, happy world is an idea that's lived on in the hearts of so many, not just yours. If anything, it's further proof that here is hope of saving humanity from itself."
"Well…when you put it like that…."
Irisviel marked her spot in the book and laid it aside on the bedside table. "Even so, I won't say that it's too bad Thomas Moore couldn't have obtained the Holy Grail and made a wish like this to it."
"Really?" Kiritsugu picked up the book and flicked through it for himself. It had been years since he had read this, and that had been in kanji. "Why do you say that?"
"I just get the feeling…" said Irisviel, fidgeting with the edge of her blanket, "he wouldn't be able to bring himself to use so much power, all at once."
"Hm," was all Kiritsugu said aloud, while in his head he thought: Than he'd be weaker than I'd previously supposed. He tossed the book back on the bedside table. Dreaming isn't enough. All that that man did…wasn't enough. Actions speak for our ideals, give them shape, personality, substance. Only what I did…proved to have any real effect, more than what anyone else has tried to do….
And he couldn't help his thoughts turning morosely towards King Arthur again, that Heroic Spirit they would soon have to summon in the Saber Class. And musing on something of a coincidence, after having gone over a few weeks prior to this with Acht, of the legend surrounding Arthur…
…one of an infamous scabbard that Acht now mercilessly sought overseas in Cornwall, England to use as a summoning catalyst…a scabbard aptly called…
…Avalon · The Everdistant Utopia….
And then he quickly turned his thoughts to other things that didn't make him so tense and edgy and frustrated. One day, in hindsight, he would look back on this seemingly harmless moment of rumination and wish he might have considered things a little differently, more closely to that book of Moore's.
Then again, maybe it still wouldn't have made a difference to how things turned out in the end.
The following day, Kiritsugu had another day off planned, and he let Irisviel sleep in while he took Ilya out for a round of their walnut game.
"Oh, here's one!" Ilya tugged on yet another find, proudly showing her father.
"Well done, Ilya." Kiritsugu grinned. "That makes fifty points to you, and...fifty-three to me."
Ilya's smile turned to a scowl, and she put her hands on her small hips. "Are you sure? I don't think you added that together right. The way I was adding it, it should be the other way around."
"Oh? Remind me again, who was it who taught you math?"
"You did, Kiritsugu!"
"Ah, well, in that case, I suppose I should trust your judgement." And Kiritsugu winked.
Ilya's smile this time was laced with mischief that was just like her father's. "That's more like it."
"Hellooooooooo!"
Kiritsugu and Ilya looked up, and saw Irisviel, wrapped up in her own white coat and hat, waving and beaming as she approached. Kiritsugu closed the gap between them at nearly a sprint, while Ilya stumbled through the snow after him, calling, "Mama! Mama!"
When they met, Kiritsugu caught a hold of his wife, looking her over with concern. "Are you sure you feel well enough?"
"I'm all right, Kiritsugu." Irisviel's smile was indeed healthy, and her pallor was gone, certainly.
"Mother!" Ilya ran up to her mother with open arms, and Irisviel returned her embrace enthusiastically, and mother and daughter hugged each other tight.
"Hello there, my darling!" Irisviel pulled back to look at her daughter properly. "Let Mommy see your beautiful smile."
"Ilya's so happy Mommy's okay!" Ilya nuzzled into her mother's coat, and Kiritsugu watched them both with that tender look that was just for the two of them.
His wife and daughter. His world. His utopia.
If only it could be that way.
Still, right now he was happy. His heart ached terribly, but he was happy even so.
"Are we having fun with Daddy?" Irisviel asked, kneeling down and dusting off snow that was clinging to her daughter's coat.
"Uh-huh!" Ilya nodded vigorously. "Ilya and Kiritsugu were playing our walnut game, and Ilya won this time!" She fist-punched the air to punctuate her declaration of victory.
"Wonderful, my love!" Irisviel kissed her daughter's cheek, hugging her close.
Ilya giggled, her face flushed.
Irisviel looked up at Kiritsugu, beaming. "What a clever girl we have, wouldn't you say?"
"I would indeed," Kiritsugu agreed.
"Now, as a reward, Ilya would like to ride her trusty horse Kerry, please!" Ilya raised up her arms in readiness, breaking away from her mother and bouncing up and down, demanding to be scooped up by her father and perched on his shoulders, the way she liked best.
Kiritsugu chuckled, his hands delved deep in the pockets of his long black coat. "As you wish, ohime-sama." He gave a little bow.
Ilya blinked. "Ohee-what?"
"In Japanese, that's how you say, 'my princess'."
"Oh..."
Kiritsugu scooped up his tiny daughter in his arms then, so quickly that she gave a squeal of delighted surprise, laughing as her father hoisted her onto his shoulders.
"Wahoo!" Ilya cheered, and then she waved to her mother with both hands. "Look, Mama! I'm so high up!"
Irisviel laughed too and clapped her hands. "Bravo!"
Then Ilya leaned over and Kiritsugu looked up so they could look at each other, even if to each other their faces appeared to be upside down.
"So, shall we go and defeat the Wizard of Sorrow?" Ilya asked.
"Daddy would be delighted to," said Kiritsugu amiably. "Lead on, Your Highness."
"And Mother can come with us!" Ilya proclaimed, though of course she was following her own train of thought in all this, as Irisviel would have accompanied them in any case, as she did now.
"This is so nice," Irisviel sighed as she walked beside her husband carrying their daughter on his shoulders. "I'm so glad I was well enough to come out on a day like today, when the warmth of the sun manages to break further into Grandpapa's barrier."
She was smiling, and Kiritsugu smiled with her, even forgetting that the Einzbern castle loomed ahead. But then Irisviel's expression turned to one of disquiet.
"And how are you?" she asked. "Are you all right?"
"Just fine," Kiritsugu told her. "I'm with you and Ilya, after all."
Irisviel's smile glowed with demure brilliance, and Kiritsugu could have basked in that light indefinitely. But then Ilya kicked out her legs, exclaiming:
"Kiritsugu! Go faster! We have to defeat the Snow Wizard!"
"I thought it was the Wizard of Sorrow," said Kiritsugu, tipping his head back to look up at his daughter again.
"No, haven't you been listening?" Ilya berated him.
"I'm sorry, Ilya, could you repeat what you said?"
"Ugh, Kiritsugu can be such a useless horse sometimes!"
Irisviel laughed, and Kiritsugu laughed too, loud and from deep inside, even when Ilya knocked him in the side of his head with her knee as she kicked out in frustration again.
"Mommy, don't you laugh too!"
"I'm sorry, Ilya, we'll stop!" Irisviel promised even as she did this in between giggles.
Ilya huffed, but at least she quit kicking her legs. Kiritsugu blinked the remaining stars out of his eyes from being clocked by his daughter's knee, but even then he still had to stifle his own laughter.
"Okay, Ilya, we're listening."
"Thank you," said Ilya with sincere appreciation. And she cleared her throat and began the scenario involving the Snow Wizard again, her parents listening to her every word with luminous pride at the gift of their daughter's free and limitless imagination.
"Are you sure you don't feel a bruise coming on?" Irisviel frowned again at where Ilya's knee had connected with Kiritsugu's temple.
"It's fine, Iri," Kiritsugu chuckled, taking her worrying hands in both of his and kissing them. "Ilya didn't mean it, it was an accident. Now if you ask me again, I might change my mind about this surprise I have for you," he added, though they both knew he was only teasing.
"Ah, very well." And Irisviel promptly closed her eyes in anticipation for what special thing her husband had in store for her.
"Okay, you can open your eyes," said Kiritsugu, having lifted out two bottles from two velvet-lined cases that had arrived that morning.
When Irisviel opened her bright, crimson eyes, he showed her one bottle of imported sake and one bottle of imported plum wine.
"I finally managed to get some in, if you'd still like to try it," Kiritsugu said, and not without a little eagerness.
Irisviel picked up the bottle of sake and examined it. "Hmmm. All right!"
In all the time they had spent together, Kiritsugu had been wary of giving Irisviel alcohol—until now. At this point, she deserved to experience as much as she could.
"Aaaaand...I have some traditional sake cups too." Kiritsugu presented these out of another case, a beautiful cherry blossom pattern set.
Irisviel gasped in delight at these. "Sakura, right?" She pointed to the delicate pink blossoms painted so lovingly on the ceramic.
"Mm-hm."
"Can we sit on the floor and drink it like that?"
"I don't see why not."
Since they didn't have access to a table low enough, they made do spreading a cloth on an open space on the library floor. Then Irisviel watched as Kiritsugu set up the sake cups between them, and then pour her a measure before handing her the bottle.
"In Japan, it's considered impolite to pour one's own drink," Kiritsugu explained.
"Okay." Irisviel very carefully poured some sake into Kiritsugu's cup.
Then Kiritsugu showed Irisviel how to toast.
"We say, 'kanpai', and then clink like so."
"Kanpai!" said Irisviel on a squeal of excitement, and then she took a sip.
Kiritsugu did too, chuckling. "For something a little more sophisticated, we might've said some variation of 'otsukare-sama'."
Irisviel smacked her lips. "Ah."
"How do you like it?"
"Hmm. It stings a bit...but in a good way...and it has a clear taste to it. I suppose that makes sense, given that it's made from rice. It's rather like...drinking light."
"I would agree with that assessment." Kiritsugu took another sip and smacked his lips too.
Irisviel eagerly took another sip herself. "Mmmm. Oooh." She took another sip, this time a little too eagerly, and she blinked as though her eyes were watering. "Ah. Strong. Mmmmmmm. But there's this...happy glow...blossoming inside my head..." She giggled and took a fourth sip.
Kiritsugu paused on his third sip. "Ah...maybe...slow it down...just a notch?"
"Oh, but why? I'm getting such a good feeling...and it comes faster and faster the more I drink!" Irisviel took another sip that was more like a gulp.
"But it's important to drink it slow, to appreciate the flavor," Kiritsugu pointed out.
"But I do appreciate it, that's why I'm so eager to drink it!"
"Yes, but if you gulp it like that your taste buds miss out."
At this, Irisviel made a pouting face that would have been more appropriate on Ilya's face, but because of this, Kiritsugu snorted with laughter into his own sake.
"Very well," Irisviel conceded, and she drank more slowly. But by now her face was already glowing with the flush of a burgeoning alcohol buzz, and she quickly regained her good humor after another sip or two. "Mmmmmm. You're right, savor the flavor. Hee-hee, that rhymed." She swilled the drink in her cup, examing the way the lamp light bounced off the liquid. "So how is it they can make this from something like rice? I mean from what you've told me, rice is a little grain that gets dried out."
"Well the rice is what's called 'fermented', where enzymes are used to convert the sugars from rice into ethyl alcohol, which is what's making you blush so much right now." Kiritsugu raised his eyebrows at his wife.
Irisviel covered her hand with her mouth, but Kiritsugu suspected that she was only half-self-conscious at this point.
Continuing, he added, "This process can be applied to grains and hops to make beer, and to potatoes to make certain types of vodka, a popular drink particularly in Russia."
Irisviel snorted. "Potatoes? Sounds like you can make alcohol out of just about anything!" She knocked back another swallow of sake.
"Not quite," said Kiritsugu with quiet, relenting amusement, taking another sip of his own sake.
And then Irisviel finished off her cup rather delicately. "Now for some plum wine, yes?"
"Well, maybe we should break it up with a glass of water in between," Kiritsugu suggested, laying a hand on hers as she reached for the bottle of plum wine.
Irisviel blinked. "How come?" she demanded, right on the edge of entering the belligerent territory of being drunk—for at this point, she pretty much was drunk. Or at the very least quite tipsy.
"It's not good to get drunk so fast," Kiritsugu explained patiently. He gave her a drink of water, but mentally face-palmed when Irisviel entirely missed the point and sloshed back the entire glass in one go—though she did manage it with her usual grace and poise, unstable as she was now.
"Now for plum wine!" she crowed, raising her empty water glass and then smacking it on the cloth they were sitting on.
Kiritsugu sighed. "Well there's no turning back at this point. You certainly won't be willing to sober up a little first..." He poured her a measure of plum wine into a fresh cup.
"Now today, as Irisviel von Einzbern tries plum wine, she will this time savor the flavor," Irisviel said in a mischievous undertone, as though speaking into a camera. "Hee, hee, hee."
"Iri..." But then Kiritsugu laughed again as he was growing rather giddy himself. In fact, upon finishing off his own sake, he felt a nice flood of warmth spreading throughout, rising up to his face, and his hand trembled just a titch as he held out a clean cup of his own, and this time Irisviel managed to spill a bit when pouring him some of the plum wine.
"Oooooh! I like this one!" Irisviel enthused, her face growing redder and redder, clutching her cup in both hands. "It's sooooooooo sweet! Ha-ha!"
"Indeed." Kiritsugu smacked his lips again. "I knew of an American who tried a California-made brand and said it tasted like gummy candy. Or was it cough syrup?"
Irisviel snerted into her wine, and the resulting splashback of it in her face made her snort harder with laughter. "Ooopssssss! Ha-ha!"
This led to Kiritsugu laughing on the first sip of his own wine, which also created some splashback. "Oh dear...we seem to be causing rather a bit of ruckus...we'd be the disgrace of the room if this was a public party..."
"Oh, that's a shame," Irisviel commented with an overabundance of disappointment. "I couldn't stand being a disgrace..."
"But it's okay," Kiritsugu assured her. "It's just the two of us, so as long as the two of us don't mind, there's no need to worry."
Irisviel considered him through the haze of her growing intoxication as she took another, more cautious sip of wine. And then she giggled again. "Yes, that and the room's revolving around and around and around, so even if people were here, they'd be too dizzy to care...! Hey, Kiritsugu, why can't you stop spinning too? At least for a second?"
On another sip, she swayed a bit and set her now-emptied cup aside, scrutinizing Kiritsugu again through clouded eyes before crawling across the blanket in an almost come-hither kind of way.
"Yeah, that's better, right up close to that beautiful face of yours." Scarlet-cheeked, Irisviel giggled again, brushing the side of Kiritsugu's face with her knuckles.
"Oh my." And Kiritsugu felt his face blush all the way up to the tips of his ears. "Iri...you're...too... You're—"
But Irisviel cut him off with her lips on his quite suddenly. Kiritsugu was aware that he was in the midst of a happy stupor, but he also had the freedom in his head not to care. At the very least, he wanted Irisviel to enjoy herself in her newfound experience with alcohol like this.
And he did think she was awfully, terribly, sinfully cute right now.
So he deepened the kiss, and she responded in kind, letting it linger and then nuzzling him when they broke away for breath. Tenderly he stroked the side of her face, and she glowed brightly before sleepily closing her bright red eyes, her lips drawn up in a dreamy smile, and then curling up and sinking against him like a cat, promptly falling into an intoxicated slumber.
"Mmmmm, Kiritsugu..." she murmured, her affection clear in spite of her inebriation. "I'm so happy right now…thank you…for how wonderful you are…."
Kiritsugu himself experienced a happy moment of peace, laying his wife's head in his lap and stroking her silver hair in the quiet of the snowy evening. He smiled softly, warmed by the crackling fire in the library fireplace and by Irisviel's closeness, watching her with bittersweet tenderness as she slept like a child, glad that Ilya was fast asleep up in her own room with Elke guarding and watching over her.
As for the minor headache Irisviel had the following day, that was enough to convince her the next time she had alcohol, she would heed Kirisugu's advice more closely. And in spite of himself, Kiritsugu couldn't help a quiet laugh under his breath as he gave his wife a cold compress for her head.
The following week had Kiritsugu extremely busy with work. And the deeper he buried himself in it, the more it wore on him, as it constantly reminded him more and more of Irisviel's inescapable fate. Perhaps part of it too was the fact that the time for it was drawing so near, and the melancholy this caused Kiritsugu chipped away at his soul.
But then one afternoon, Ilya tentatively came to him in his office and asked if he might play the walnut game outside with her. When Kiritsugu lifted his tired eyes from where he had them trained on the screen of his computer, Ilya gave a tiny gasp and withdrew further out into the hall.
"I'm sorry...Daddy...I just..."
But Kiritsugu called her back, smiling for her. He didn't want her to go. "It's all right, Ilya. Of course Daddy'll play the walnut game with you. Work was getting boring anyway."
Ilya's face lit up, and she bounced up and down on her toes with glee. And that was all Kiritsugu needed to lift his spirits.
Outside they played at the game for hours, and Kiritsugu happily lost himself in sharing in his daughter's laughter. And that day it was Kiritsugu's victory, but even so, Ilya lost gracefully, curtsying to her father's having one fair and square.
"But Kiritsugu better watch out next time," said Ilya with a wink.
"Very well, I shall keep on my toes," Kiritsugu promised, giving his daughter a little bow.
And then Ilya dropped her curtsy and ran over to her father, grasping him by his large hand in her two tiny ones.
"Daddy," she sighed happily, nuzzling her father's coat.
Kiritsugu laughed, affectionately clapping his hand on top of Ilya's fuzzy purple hat. "Are we happy then, my little Ilya?" he murmured.
Ilya looked up at him with her sweet red eyes. "Of course, because Ilya's always happy to play with Daddy, and see him happy too." And then she turned timid again, like she did earlier when she thought he was going to refuse to play with her. "You are happy, right Daddy?"
Kiritsugu faltered, but only for a moment, and kept his smile as strong as he could, even when he knew it was fragile and bittersweet. "Of course I am."
"And if Daddy was sad, he would let Ilya help him, right?"
"Always. Ilya always knows the best way to do that."
But Ilya examined his face closely, clutching his coat in her tiny hands, her worries for her father unassuaged.
Kiritsugu sighed. There's so much I don't realize you really see, isn't that right, Ilya? You're so much like your mother….
And combined with the way Ilyasviel was looking at him like that, such a comparison in his mind inspired such a power mixture of joy and grief inside of him that for one shattering moment, he thought he would break, despite his efforts not to.
No…I can't let Ilya see that…I have to try….
Softly it began to snow, and Kiritsugu, eager to lift the somber mood that had descended upon them, said, "Here, Ilya. Let me show you something I showed your mom." And he tipped his head back and caught a couple snowflakes on his tongue.
"What're you doing Kiritsugu?" Ilya asked on a tentative giggle.
"Catching snowflakes on my tongue. Give it a try."
"Okay."
Though Ilya still sounded skeptical, she took her father's word for it and tipped her head back too. Catching a few, she closed her mouth on them only to shiver at the cold sensation in her tongue.
"Oooh, it's cold!" But she sounded like she was enjoying herself.
Just like Irisviel.
Kiritsugu bit his lip to stop its trembling, but he still managed a smile, because even in this moment, Ilya was a light he could hold onto. Even more wonderful than the fact the two of them were more each other's reason for living and looking toward the future than ever was the fact that together at least, they would both be all right. In spite of his sins as a son, as a father at least, he would be everything he could be for his child. He would see to it that she would never have to suffer the way he'd had to.
Really, that was the greatest thing a good, well-meaning parent could do for their child. To watch them grow, and live, and be happy….
They would build that someday, the two of them together, and that would be enough. And in Kiritsugu's heart, he felt that somehow Irisviel's spirit would be able to sense that, and that idea gave him comfort too.
"Now, let Daddy show you this, Ilya," he said, floating on this wonderful feeling of optimism and peace of mind.
Ilyasviel watched as Kiritsugu laid down in the snow and showed her how to make a snow angel. She clapped when he finished, and she tried one too. And even though both imprints were a little rough around the edges, Ilya was still proud of them, so Kiritsugu was too.
"This was fun, though I'm a little cold from all the snow that got inside my coat," Ilya admitted. "But Ilya's still happy though!" she added with a grin.
Kiritsugu shared that grin as he brushed back a few strands of her silver hair. "You're a good little girl, aren't you, Ilya?"
"Of course I am! Ilya wants to be good for Kiritsugu and Mommy!" Ilya giggled that giggle of hers, and then asked, with her hands clasped behind her back: "Now can Ilya please go up high?"
Kiritsugu laughed. "Oh, I see how it is." But he obliged and lifted his daughter onto his shoulders, and thought the sound of her giggles was one of the most beautiful things he had ever heard, comparable only to Irisviel's laughter.
He gladly let Ilyasviel point the way, his long legs easily pushing through the wintry forest, and for the both of them, the sun shining on all the ice and snow was more brilliant than diamonds.
Thus the days went on passing in this way. When there wasn't time devoted to playing the walnut game, and combat training and work was done for the day, Kiritsugu and Irisviel would take one of their winter walks alone together outside, or inside there was always something new Kiritsugu had brought to show her about the world outside, or to show her and Ilya both. In moments like these, it made him wonder if, had things been different, he mightn't have grown up to be something as simple as a teacher who did his best to cultivate strong values of kindness and bravery in his young students. After all, that was a kind of heroic deed in its own way, wasn't it?
Regardless, it was these pockets of happiness that managed to keep Kiritsugu going in between ongoing preparations for the Grail War. After one particularly harrowing day, while Ilya was busying herself was painting pictures inspired by the myriad of photographic nature books Kiritsugu had bought for her, Irisviel expressed a great urge to go out driving in the Mercedes, but she wanted Kiritsugu to ride with her this time. Indeed, Irisviel enjoyed her time driving like crazy around the courtyard on her own—the activity itself presented a perfect opportunity to be alone with her very own thoughts, the first of her kind in the line of Einzbern homunculi to have such reflective habits, but after everything she'd developed in the last eight-and-a-half years or so, that was to be expected—but today instead of her and her husband's usual walk, she wanted him to go driving with her instead.
"But let's switch off," she said enthusiastically, and actually handed Kiritsugu the keys. "I'll bet you miss driving after all."
Kiritsugu shrugged. "It's all right. In the outside world it's really a very menial function. Just a means to travel on one's own terms, more or less. Though I suppose I could use the practice after being locked up in this medieval regime for so long."
Irisviel rolled her eyes. "Well of course driving the way you're supposed to is boring, because you have to go by all those traffic rules."
"Iri, those rules are there to keep you and other drivers on the road safe," Kiritsugu pointed out as he unlatched the stable door where the Mercedes was kept, the stable (out of use by horses for centuries) serving as a makeshift garage.
"Well, they still make for very boring driving," Irisviel lamented. She had come to this conclusion whenever she had let Kiritsugu have the keys (which at this point had been a total number of three times) and he had driven abiding by basic traffic laws, in spite of the fact that the courtyard had no road signs, no warning lights, no speed limit (per se), and no cops or patrolmen.
At the very least though, Irisviel took seriously the concept of keeping driving and alcohol as far away from each other as possible.
This time however, Irisviel didn't moan about Kiritsugu's adherence to the rules, though he suspected it wasn't because of the fact that such rules were ones he was usually willing to follow, if only out of practicality—like any rule, he'd break it if he had to, and to be honest, he rather enjoyed the application of Irisviel's developed free spirit to the steering wheel.
No, she wanted a quiet drive with him for a change. She had some calm piano music turned on in the CD player (something on which she'd commented as being "nice in sound, but not as warm as that victrola"), and she had her hands folded in her lap. She was even blushing a little, and Kiritsugu began to get the sense that she wanted to ask him something.
"What is it, Iri?" he asked her as he switched from "reverse", having backed out of the stable, to "drive".
"Have you…finished chartering our private plane to Japan yet?" Irisviel asked.
Normally the Einzberns method of travel to Japan involved more mage-like means of travel, involving the use of alchemy to create shortcuts in space. But Kiritsugu insisted on the use of a private plane, keeping to his method of operating in an as non-mage-like a way as possible. That and he thought Irisviel would enjoy the experience of flying on a plane too. Or he hoped she would, anyway.
Was she having second thoughts?
Kiritsugu rounded the corner smoothly in the courtyard. "Are you nervous about going on a plane? Is it that ear-popping we talked about? Because really, I can give you some mints to suck on and—"
"No, it's not that, I just…wanted to know if you were planning on chartering a plane with a large cargo hold…."
"'Large cargo hold'? Large enough for what…exactly?"
But then Kiritsugu thought he knew.
"Large enough for this car," Irisviel answered rather meekly.
"You want to take the Mercedes with you?" Kiritsugu turned smoothly again, the world of silver and white revolving slowly around them.
"Could I? Maybe?"
"Of course you can. I had a feeling you might want to do that, so I'm making sure the plane I arrange for us can carry a car like this."
Irisviel's face lit up and she beamed. "Really? Oh, thank you, Kiritsugu!"
Kiritsugu chuckled. "Hm. You're welcome, Iri."
"Very well, now that that's settled," Irisviel went on, brushing at the skirt of her white fur coat, "if you would be so kind as to hand the wheel over to me?"
"Huh?" Kiritsugu glanced at his wife and then shook his head, smiling, before he tapped the brakes and put the car in "park". "As you wish," he said as he withdrew the keys from the ignition.
Irisviel giggled. "You sound like that young man in that movie we watched last night."
"Who? Wesley?" Kiritsugu's smile turned more playful. "Does that amuse you?"
"Oh very much indeed," and Irisviel stole a kiss from him that took his breath away—and relaxed his hold on the keys so she could swipe them from his hand.
Left without the keys, Kiritsugu really had no choice then but resign himself to Irisviel's taking the wheel. And the rest of the afternoon was spent with Irisviel crowing with glee as she turned hard and fast all around the courtyard in crazy patterns, Kiritsugu caught between bursting into laughter and shouting in sheer dread.
Sometime into the evening though, Kiritsugu still couldn't help laughing it off to himself. I don't think anything can corrupt her spirit, not even road rules. In his and Irisviel's room, he started tugging off his tie as he passed the adjoining washroom where Irisviel and Ilya were taking their bath.
But then he caught what Ilyasviel was saying, and the words were like tiny strings tugging back on his heart, making him pause at the slightly-ajar door.
"…something about Kiritsugu?"
In that moment, Kiritsugu held his breath.
"Of course, Ilya. What is it?—Here, tell Mama about it while she gets behind your ears."
There was the splash of water as Irisviel presumably wrung out the wash cloth.
"Well…."
The water stirred again. Possibly Ilya was making aimless circles in it with her small hand.
"Sometimes…I think he might be sad about something…but…when Ilya asks him about it, he just smiles and says he's happy." After a pause, Ilya asked, almost panicked, "It isn't something Ilya did, is it?"
"No, Ilya, it's nothing like that at all!" Irisviel assured her child at once.
More splishing.
"Then what's wrong? Daddy looks so tired too a lot…when he gets back from working…. I mean…he isn't unhappy, exactly…but…I just feel like he's not entirely happy at the same time. Like he's…happy and unhappy. Is that possible, Mama?"
"Well…yes..."
Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip.
"Feelings…can be complicated that way. Especially when it comes to the people you love."
"What do you mean?"
"Ah, Ilya. Your daddy's working very hard so that day will come when you can leave this castle. You know that right?"
"Uh-huh! Kiritsugu promised he would take Ilya to see the starbugs. Ilya hasn't forgotten."
"That's right. But sometimes…when we work so hard for the people we love…we start to worry that something will go wrong and we won't be able to fulfill the promises we made to them."
"So he's worried about that?"
"Yes. He's worried because he loves you so much, and only wants to see you happy. Sometimes that worry creeps in when it isn't wanted, and gets mixed in with how happy he is to spend time with you now. But I know you really do help to make him feel better about it, just by being you. After all, you're very dear to him and Mama both, and because of that, when you smile, there'll always be a part of us that wants to smile too and share in your happiness. Sharing in those feelings…is what it means to love someone."
"Is that why I feel sad when I think you or Kiritsugu's sad?"
"Yes. And that's why when you ask, we do our best to make sure you know…you don't have to be sad, because we're here for you. We always will be, even when you can't see us. Do you understand, my love?"
"Uh-huh…."
But Kiritsugu couldn't help notice the crack in Irisviel's and Ilyasviel's voices, as the splish of the water indicated that Irisviel must've enveloped their daughter in her arms, hugging her tight, as much for her own sake as for the child's. Even so, imagining it was enough to keep the threatening cold inside his own heart at bay, despite the prickle of tears in his eyes. In his usual manner though, he quickly dispelled such weaknesses, pushing forward and carrying the bright torch of the promises he had made to both Irisviel and Ilya as he moved away from the washroom door and went on with stripping off and hanging up his tie.
Thus, he managed a smile for his daughter when he tucked her in later on that night, and found solace just in the simple fact that her smile was pure and held no grief, because he was there, watching over as he sent her off to sleep.
After he turned off the lamps in her room and closed the door, he found Irisviel still in her day gown of white and gold, drawn to the silver moonlight flooding through one of the large, arched, mullioned windows. Such pristine light was reflected in her crimson eyes, and illuminated her and her silver hair as though she and the moonbeams were becoming one.
At Kiritsugu's approach, she turned to him, and he had no words to speak for how beautiful she looked.
But that didn't matter, because she spoke first with breathless yet quiet enthusiasm.
"It's so lovely out tonight, with the moon being full and everything."
Kiritsugu joined her at the window, taking the hand she extended to him. "Yes," he agreed, finally finding his voice, even if it came out a little hoarse.
Irisviel regarded her husband sidelong and then laughed primly. "You know, you don't always have to agree with everything I say."
Kiritsugu laughed too. "Yes, but I have nothing to disagree with you about right now. Is that so bad?"
"Ah, I suppose not." Irisviel leaned her head against his shoulder, letting go of his hand to slide her arm around him.
Kiritsugu slid his arm around her in turn. As he admired the moon with his wife, he had to admit that he didn't think he'd ever seen a more beautiful moon in his life. At least, not since that night, when Shirley turned to him and asked…
"…Tell me Kerry, what kind of man do you want to be…?"
Swallowing, Kiritsugu made the odd request of Irisviel asking him that same question right then and there in those exact words. Though she didn't quite understand, she obliged him.
And instead of chickening out, Kiritsugu turned to her and told her, "Well…what I want to be…is a hero."
Wherein he promptly shook his head and turned away.
"I finally find the courage to say it out loud, and it still sounds stupid," he muttered.
Irisviel laughed again and turned his face towards hers. "Don't worry about that. Your belief in your dream is sincere…I think that's more than enough."
Kiritsugu considered his wife, and the possibility that for all this time…it was likely she didn't fully understand the wish he wanted to offer the Grail…just the fact that not being able to achieve his dreams of peace for the world caused him pain, and that some part of her rather pretended to understand so he wouldn't feel like she was doing her part in all of his just as a wife merely sacrificing her life for her husband and his ideals.
For some reason, this inspired a kind of resigned yet admiring smile, for he certainly had no intention of destroying the happiness she had created for herself in this by letting her know of his sudden revelations concerning this matter. No. She didn't need to hear that, and he had no desire to tell her that. She was happy enough that she had found meaning in her role as the Grail Vessel. If that was what it took for her to do so, well, he wasn't about to stamp that light out. He would leave it be.
He turned his gentle smile on her, pulling her into both of his arms and holding her close, touching his brow to hers. "I'm happy, Iri, the moon is so lovely for us tonight…because tonight…tonight I have you with me still."
"Good, then I'm happy too," said Irisviel, and came up to accept the kiss he offered her, holding him as closely to her heart as he held her to his.
Two hearts, that though one was born while the other was made by human hands, were both in fact quite identical, beating against each other as one.