Chapter Twenty-Two
Paradise Lost
Having snapped a new clip into one of the M1911 semiautomatic pistols and given it to Maiya for the task she completed earlier, Kiritsugu found himself passing the downtime in the dark, wee hours of the morning with another lit cigarette smoldering out of the corner of his mouth while he inserted fresh rounds in another clip for the other M1911, taking cover in a deserted part of Fuyuki where the ruins of a building stood in incompletion. Abandoned construction.
From the rear behind the cab of the truck, the beautiful and redheaded Sola-Ui Nuada-Re Sophia-Ri, fiancée of Kayneth El-Melloi, stirred as her resurfacing to consciousness reminded her of the pain of Maiya having chopped off her hand, leaving the Command Seals she had acquired from Kayneth as a message to Lancer, so to speak.
Kiritsugu looked up from where he was sat on a crate on the gravelly ground, his tools spread out and arranged on a cloth before him, seeing by the light of a bright lamp. He imagined he must look forbidding to Sola as she blinked weakly his way.
She gave a feeble gasp. "Is that you? You're Emiya...aren't you?"
Kiritsugu said nothing as he went on pushing rounds into the clip and then snapped the clip into the M1911.
"I don't know...what you're planning...but please...just let me go...I'm begging you...I'll pay you...whatever you want...my family's wealthy... Surely...what you plan to do...isn't worth my life..." The woman began to cry weakly. "Please...please don't kill me...I knew what I was getting into...in this war...at least...I thought I did...but now..." She gulped. "I'm not ready to die...please..."
Kiritsugu sipped on his cigarette, the picture of heartlessness. He watched her, her face twisted in pain, and thinking of his goal, now he'd come this far along, he had no room for remorse. He made himself not feel it, and as a result, he would not have to suffer feeling anything but the numb cold rock he forced his heart to be now, sitting heavy and stoic in his chest.
It didn't matter that seeing her so weak and pining for a savior reminded him of those times when Irisviel had collapsed, of when he'd rescued her from that snowstorm. It didn't matter that in the back of his mind Ilya was there watching him with wide-eyed, naïve and confused curiosity to see her father acting so despicably. It didn't matter that even after he'd come from seeing his own childhood friend Shirley, writhing in agony and begging him to kill her, only to later learn of her death amid the destruction of Arimago Island, that he'd told himself, over and over, No one should have to die that way, no one should have to die that way, no one should have to die that way….
On one side of the scales there was Sola. On the other, the rest of humanity. The latter side won out for its sheer, greater weight. Keeping this in mind, Kiritsugu could overcome his own weakness.
However, as she went on weeping, moaning, "It hurts...it hurts...", he very decisively got up and before she could even see he was over her, he knocked her out with a precise blow to the head.
At least that would put her out of her misery. For a little while.
Then his phone rang.
"Maiya," he said when he answered.
"I'm ready on my end. Madam Irisviel and Saber will shortly be arriving, per your instructions. I can see Lancer and Kayneth conversing on the other side of the compound."
"Does Lancer sense Saber's approach yet?"
"No. It would appear not. Wait…I see the Mercedes…Lancer's getting up…I think he can sense Saber now…."
"Good. Keep an eye on them. Call me again the moment Saber and Lancer engage in combat."
"Understood."
Click.
Kiritsugu cleared up and loaded everything onto the truck next to Sola's unconscious body, the stump of her arm cradled limply in her other. He reread over everything on the Self-Geis Scroll he'd drawn up in the hotel room, before he tucked it in inside his jacket. Then he shut the rear door and climbed into the driver's seat, where he drove around to the other side of the compound. When he parked, he could see through the pillars of the building's skeleton, Saber pulling into the open lot.
He caught sight of Irisviel in the front passenger's seat. The fact that she wasn't driving like the other night was enough to tell him that the breakdown of her condition had already begun. And no wonder, with the deaths of Assassin and Caster considered. It was likely she could no longer do much as far as physically touching things unless she absolutely had to.
Iri….
The weakness inside him whispered, taunting him as he bore witness to more of what it meant to be killing his beloved wife slowly this way, and he stamped it out at once, grinding the light out of it quite as much as he did his cigarette after he'd finished it.
He picked out the silhouette of Kayneth in the wheelchair he'd ended up in as he watched Lancer approach the Mercedes and Saber step out of the car.
So she can drive a modern vehicle automatically…it's true about Heroic Spirits being able to instantly grasp onto mechanisms of the era into which they are summoned….
Kiritsugu filed that information away for later.
As Saber and Lancer reengaged in battle, picking up where they left off at the shipping yard, the phone rang again, right on cue.
"Maiya. Wait for my signal. When I've lit my cigarette."
"Understood."
Kiritsugu hung up as he disembarked from the truck. Pulling down the back again, he took out the Calico and then slung Sola's unconscious body over his shoulder, hauling her into the shadows just a matter of a few feet behind Kayneth as Saber's sword clanked fluidly against Lancer's two spears. A dance where only the two of them existed.
After propping Sola up into a sitting position against one of the pillars, Kiritsugu tossed a shell he'd kept on his person from his last engagement with Kayneth to get the man's attention.
Once Kayneth turned around and saw that Kiritsugu had his fiancée at gunpoint, he sucked in his breath, a panicking worm.
Kiritsugu laid a finger over his lips, giving a little, "Shhhh," much the same way he'd do with Ilya when they'd play one of their sneaking games.
"No…" Kayneth croaked. "Please don't hurt her…."
One click of the Calico ready to fire, as Kiritsugu stood like so many military executioners he had seen in his life with the gun pointed at Sola's head, and that was all it took for Kayneth to give in.
Everyone—especially Lancer—was quite surprised in the next moment when Lancer, as if in a trance, had flipped one of his own spears around and stabbed himself in the chest with it.
But it was as per the contract written on the Self-Geis Scroll Kiritsugu had forced upon Kayneth: he would let Sola go, if Kayneth sacrificed his remaining Command Seal to compel Lancer to commit suicide.
Lancer coughed up blood and choked on rage as he realized what had happened as Kiritsugu and Kayneth emerged from the shadows, Kayneth cradling Sola as promised in his arms. Like so many times before, Kiritsugu shut it all out. Even as the dying and betrayed Lancer lashed out at a shame-faced Saber, who for the first time seemed as small as she truly was in her armor, even as Diarmud Duibhne openly cursed the Grail and called for it to bring misfortune with whatever wish it might grant, such words meant nothing to Kiritsugu.
Yes…I had forgotten this…this freedom that comes with acting, doing as you please and feeling you have nothing to lose….
True, Kiritsugu had something to lose this time. So much to lose. He would lose Irisviel for certain, and Ilya if he failed. But even so, he finally found the power to pretend, and in pretending, could reassume the persona of the cold, merciless machine that was Kiritsugu Emiya.
And he was most certainly numb to the pressing silence that followed Lancer's final cry of anger and despair as he disappeared.
Move from point A to point B.
So he did, walking quite calmly out of the line of fire and lighting up a cigarette, his lips moving automatically in answering in the affirmative to Kayneth's making certain that he was now bound by the Geis, only to have Kayneth's sense of security shattered as Maiya opened fire from her position up high on the roof of the building's ruins. Out of the corner of his eye, Kiritsugu saw Sola fall out of the wheelchair just as her fiancé did, but she was quite still upon hitting the ground, her eyes wide and unseeing as she lay covered in blood.
Kayneth was not so lucky.
"Please…please kill me…" he pleaded, crawling pathetically over to him before he coughed up more blood than Lancer did, his body riddled with bright red wounds.
A weaker person's stomach would've turned at this.
But Kiritsugu had grown above such thinking by now. It wasn't even like it had been with Malte von Einzbern. This man here was begging for his pity, and Kiritsugu had none to give him.
"Sorry. Our pact forbids my killing you." Very impassively, he sipped again on his cigarette.
Saber stepped in to show the mercy that Kiritsugu would not and brought her sword down upon Kayneth's neck, ending his life and his pain as quickly as possible. Irisviel gasped, covering her mouth in horror at the scene. It was only then that Kiritsugu briefly came to himself, his eyes flicking her way.
"Ah…I just realized…Iri…this is the first time you've ever seen how I kill."
It was the best he could do for an apology that she'd had to witness such gore. He could see how she trembled like a frightened white mouse, but then he also noticed the faintest shine of a few beads of sweat on her brow, just beneath that favored hat of hers.
He looked away, already understanding that more symptoms of her breakdown would manifest soon, and he didn't yet have the strength to face that. Not yet.
Saber, for her part, was spitting with dark fury. She had a lid on it, to be sure, but the hot water underneath threatened to bubble over and overflow, erupt.
Kiritsugu didn't even bother turning to her. He let her pour out her ire as he placidly finished off his cigarette.
"Finally I see the lowly beast that you truly are, Kiritsugu…" Saber growled, her hand shaking as it clutched the hilt of Excalibur. "At first…I trusted in Irisviel's words…that despite everything you at least had a noble goal of bringing the world salvation…that even if our paths differed…we could still tolerate each other's existence on some level because of what we both wanted from the Grail…. But now…now the thought of yielding such a precious thing to the likes of you…the thought of it sickens me…."
Irisviel spoke up, but Kirisugu wished she wouldn't, not because of what she said, but because of how he could tell just by the way she spoke that she was doing her utmost to fight off a frailty that had come over her. He could even see it in the way she leaned against the Mercedes with her arms folded, clandestinely making an effort to prop herself up while maintaining an appearance of normality.
"Please, Kiritsugu. You owe Saber an explanation for your actions."
"No," said Kiritsugu, still not looking at Saber. "There's no point in explaining myself to a killer who uses things like honor and glory to justify her killing. A knight cannot save the world. But let her go on being wrapped up in her delusions. I'll have no part of it."
"They are not delusions!" Saber snapped, the air turning hot with her anger. "How dare you insult the noble notion of chivalry to my face? You monster! The taking of a life, even in battle, must have ideals! Otherwise the very fires of Hell would consume this world!"
At this, Kiritsugu tipped back his head as he exhaled another stream of smoke, and gave a mirthless laugh that was more like a rasp. "Do you hear that, Iri?" He turned to Saber at last, pointing at her and her stunned, wrathful face like an accuser. "Our 'Heroic Spirit' over there seems to think a battlefield is better than Hell." All parody of amusement fell away as he glared lividly at his Servant. "What a joke! A battlefield is Hell. There's no hope to be had on one. It's nothing but unspeakable despair…."
As his voice trailed away, he was haunted again by the ghosts of all the lives he had watched burn out, whether at his own blood-red hands or someone else's, all the cries of pain and anger he had had to shut his heart out to just to have it in himself to do what was necessary to save as many as possible from such fates.
"Kiritsugu…do you force Saber to endure such humiliation…because of your hatred for the Heroic Spirits?" Irisviel asked in a small voice, echoing the conversations they'd had on the subject before.
Kiritsugu gave his frail wife a brief, contrite glance, before he took a final deep drag on the cigarette and then crushed it underfoot.
You want an explanation, Saber? Fine. I'll give you one.
"No matter how many wars come to an end, another begins, while others drag on and on and on. And when all is said and done at a battle's conclusion, it's nothing more than a soulless crime we call 'victory', paid for by the pain of the defeated." Kiritsugu's hands curled into fists even as he hid them in the pockets of his coat. "But humanity, you see…has never realized this…because in every era a dazzling hero has arisen to blind the people with their beautiful legends."
I was one such fool, after all.
"So you see…Saber…this honorable warfare you maintain, is nothing more than a beautiful legend. No…a lie, is a more fitting term…and the only truth here is that in order to break this endless cycle, I must use the cycle itself. I accept the world for what it really is, and will be as cruel and violent as I must in order to save it from itself. I care nothing for things like honor and glory. Such fantasies are of no use to me in what I must do."
Saber stared at him, but just for a moment, as his words sunk in. And then she seemed to swallow her anger in favor of softening towards him.
"Kiritsugu…."
Kiritsugu turned away from her again. Don't you dare, Saber. Don't you dare give me your pity, your kindness. Don't you dare….
"Kiritsugu," Saber repeated, every note in her voice trying its best to reach him, "don't you see? If you do evil to stop evil, you will only perpetuate the cycle you claim you long to break. But at least…I see in you now…a fragment of something left behind from the man you truly are. Except…that you were betrayed…in the end. Though I can't know what that was, I see the sparks of a longing for justice that burned bright inside of you long ago. A desire you've held in your heart for a very long time. Am I right? Perhaps even since you were no more than a young boy, you felt an innate wish for justice in the world, desiring it more than life itself. Simply a kind person who had no wish to see others suffer.
"I'm right, aren't I?"
Fresh anger like fresh blood from a wound erupted in Kiritugu's heart, waking it up very briefly to the pain it suffered now as he kept on pushing onward with the task he had set before him. He turned a glare on Saber once more, nostrils flaring as he growled with a momentary and crazy notion of flying at the Heroic Spirit before him.
Saber—!
But somehow, all that anger drained away all at once…seeing that lioness look in her eyes that, he had to admit, held its own kind of wisdom…but even so, and all he could say, very quietly, was: "It doesn't matter. I will win the Holy Grail and save the world. I will do so with whatever method gives me the greatest chance of success. I will make certain…that the blood I shed in Fuyuki will be the last that humanity ever sheds…so…if I must stain my hands with every evil to do so…I don't care. If it will save the world…then I take on that burden gladly."
As he spoke, he heard Maiya pull up in the truck behind him, all set with their equipment to move on to their next target. He would leave Irisviel again, and all he could muster as a farewell was another glance her way. She, for her part, even at his most despicable, still managed a smile for him, despite how deathly pale she was already turning in the light of the encroaching dawn.
Kiritsugu hardened his heart again and turned away, biting his lip as he climbed inside the passenger's side of the truck, making certain no one saw, not even Maiya.
But then, as the truck pulled out of the lot, he gave into his weakness again, despite the warning he gave himself: his dark eyes flicked to the rearview mirror just in time to see his wife collapse, Saber falling to her knees as she caught her in her arms.
I once did that for her…but I…can't anymore….
"Kiritsugu?" Maiya asked, unaware of what had just occurred behind them.
Kiritsugu looked away from the mirror, his expression clouded. "It's nothing. Keep going."
There was no turning back. That much was more than certain. Still, Kiritsugu, for all of his efforts, still had to bite his lip again, and then hide the fact that he managed to draw blood. Only in his heart could he let himself cry out Irisviel's name.
But then Maiya, even as she obeyed him, still asked: "Are you sure?"
Kiritsugu, massaging his forehead with his fingertips, glanced over at his assistant. "Yes." And then, after a pause: "Why?"
Maiya still didn't take her eyes off the road. "No reason."
"Hmmmm." Kiritsugu leaned back in his seat as a thought came over him. "Did I seem uncertain? Heh…." He looked at his hand, and couldn't help noticing the way it shook, just a little. "It's funny to catch myself thinking of it sometimes…like now…how the first time I saw someone with a gun…it was Natalia…."
"Your mentor…?"
"Ah yes. And I panicked so wildly. I was…such a child…."
When Maiya said nothing, he heaved a rather vexed sigh, in spite of himself.
"And what? I suppose you didn't have time to feel that way…given your life."
"No…but I still did," Maiya admitted slowly.
Kiritsugu stared at his assistant again, numb for his pain perhaps, but still with the faintest traces of awe. "You…Maiya…?"
The faintest smile touched Maiya's otherwise impassive lips. "Oh yes. So…I guess that's my real answer to your question…about whether or not…I was ever afraid of dying."
Like everything else, the motorcycle Kiritsugu purchased later that morning was top of the line. After seeing that Saber could do something like handle a car, and with Irisviel undoubtedly out of the running as far as driving anymore went, giving his Servant on a more personal form of transportation seemed logical.
When it became known to him that Tokiomi Tohsaka of all people wished to approach the Einzbern team about forming an alliance, Kiritsugu's first thought was of the issue of Kirei Kotomine. He could see him, just waiting in the shadows, biding his time. So while he had Maiya put a hidden mic on Irisviel's coat, he listened in from the hotel room, not missing a word.
Irisviel, as expected, and despite her growing weakness, performed her role as proxy Maser perfectly once more. Even if he could not allow it to manifest outwardly, he was still as proud of her as ever, if not more so.
In the meantime, he had also left Maiya with instructions to hand the motorcycle off to Saber, at which point Maiya would be the one to drive the Mercedes and look after Irisviel in her increasingly deteriorating condition. Back at the house in Miyama Town, he had a feeling that she would use the concrete block that was the storehouse as a place where she could maintain herself within a magic circle until the very last.
Which, after a night of some last-minute plotting, filling another aluminum drink can with a bouquet of used cigarettes, Kiritsugu was given some pause. As he played everything out in his mind after checking out of the hotel, having had Maiya clear out most of the equipment earlier and he taking what was left back in the truck, it occurred to him that the moment had come…when he would have to make that last decision he'd been dreading…
…do I see her one last time, or not…?
As it was, he realized that he would have to, if only to be certain that his resolve was strong enough. And truth be told, especially after the night of Lancer's demise, all that had occurred afterward, he didn't really wish those words to be the last ones between them.
The part of himself that was her husband, who loved her so dearly it hurt, wanted to be able to say goodbye. For Irisviel's sake, and for Ilya's too. The two of them had shared so much the last nine years. Looking up into the sky as Kiritsugu prepared to hop into the truck again, the breeze lifting his dark hair, he knew…he had to give the woman who had not only given him her heart, but had made him see that he himself still had a heart to give…she deserved a proper parting.
So it was that he came, himself at last, to the abandoned house in Miyama Town, and knocked on the door to the storehouse as per his and Maiya's secret code. A cursory glance around told him there could be no doubt that Irisviel had been thrilled to be able to come here, and to have this place be where she would take her final rest, as it were. He was glad at least for that.
Maiya actually looked unsure of herself in front of him when she opened the door to admit him.
"Ah…you should know…Madam Irisviel's condition—"
"I know. I know everything."
Maiya nodded. There was no need to press him further.
When Kiritsugu came upon the sad scene of Irisviel, essentially on her deathbed, lying on the floor in the magic circle glowing faintly with mana pulses, her hands folded primly on her stomach, his mind flashed briefly to when he first saw her in the cultivating tank. She opened her eyes at his approach, as she had done then, and he knew then, absolutely, that those eyes would stay with him until he breathed his last.
Why did Elder Acht have to make you so beautiful? Such a foolish old man….
But it was enough just to see Irisviel smile now as he came and knelt down on the cold floor beside her.
"So you came…." Her weak voice overflowed with happiness. "I'm not dreaming? You really came…to see me again…."
"Ah yes…I have." Much as he wanted to, Kiritsugu couldn't bring himself to touch her at first. One touch, and she would break, he was certain of it.
Even so, Irisviel was ecstatic, even on the edge of death. "Mm. Thank you." Then she closed her eyes briefly before she unfolded her hands just enough to concentrate her mana into her fingertips so that she might extract Avalon from within herself.
Kiritsugu held his breath as the glowing gold scabbard rose above her. "Iri…."
"Take it…" she told him, her voice, if possible, even weaker. But still, she smiled through and through. "In your approaching final battle for the Grail…you'll need it…more than I will now…."
She was right, of course.
Swallowing wordlessly, Kiritsugu took the scabbard under his arm.
Irisviel folded her hands on her stomach again, her red eyes flicking up to the ceiling, her smile the only sign that even now she was still strong in her own way. "You know what?" she mused aloud. "I'm really happy. Because I leave this world…knowing that I lived…really lived. You gave me that. You gave me the love of a husband, and the gift of bearing a beautiful daughter. Maybe some normal women wish for more than that…but for me…well…from the moment I realized I could love…that I loved you…being with you has been all I've ever needed." She laughed feebly. "I've said that before. But it's important that I tell you…one more time…." She turned to look at him, her love for him shining so bright it was almost too painful.
But as much as Kiritsugu's heart broke, even after all he had done to prepare himself for this, he found it no more difficult than when he'd sunk Natalia. He swallowed, and though his voice came out hoarse, he still had the strength to speak what he felt to his wife.
"I'm sorry…I wanted to show you…so much more of this world."
"It's fine…don't fret about it. I've always told you…you fret too much."
And for one split-second, it was indeed too much. For too much had passed between them, too much had bound them together. Those dreamy days he had spent with her and Ilya, they might have changed him, but even so, it had been a happiness too beautiful for words. He would always be grateful for that. And he knew that he must live…for Ilya's sake. And he also knew…that even as he'd known this day would come from the very beginning…there would be no way that he would not grieve his wife. How could he not…when he'd come to love her so much?
And before he knew it, he reached out with his free hand and threaded a few strands of her soft silver hair in his fingers, catching her iris scent. The one part of his life since a very long time that had been soft and full of joy.
"Iri…."
"Just promise me one thing…my love…." Irisviel very frailly reached up and took his hand in hers as he stroked it through her hair. "Promise me…when this is over…you'll bring Ilya here to this country…like you were once thinking about…remember?"
"Yes…I remember…."
"Yes…bring her here…and share with her everything I didn't get to see and experience…like the springtime cherry blossoms…the sakura trees, you call them, right? And the summer clouds…and the fireflies…her 'starbugs'…." Irisviel laughed wanly again. "What a wonderful, precious girl…our darling, beloved Ilya…you'll do that for her, won't you?"
"I will."
Kiritsugu made this last promise to his wife with the same solemnity with which he'd made the promise to Ilya that he would come home to her. He gave his wife's hand a faint squeeze, seeing that much of her strength now came from the reassurance that all the dreams she hadn't been able to share with him would be carried on in her stead, thanks to her husband and their child.
And it was a hope that Kiritsugu could cling to as well. Now more than ever, he was grateful too that out of all of this, Irisviel had given him Ilya as much as he had given Ilya to her. Again, his heart ached for his daughter, and he wished desperately that he could find more words to say…
…but the hour was growing late.
It was time.
"Okay…I have to go."
He let go of his wife's hand, rising to his feet. Irisviel kept her hand up, just for a moment, reaching after him, before she clasped it with her other hand on her stomach again.
"You be careful," she told him softly. "I love you."
Kiritsugu bit his lip again, hesitating, and then, steeling himself for what was to come, he told her:
"Wait for me."
And without another word, and the scent of irises following him, he left the storehouse.
With this last battle before him, he could act with a heart free of the chains of sentiment.
"The one who died here was…Tokiomi…Tohsaka…" Kiritsugu breathed as he knelt before the faint stain of blood upon the lush carpet of the deathly silent home of the Tohsaka Estate.
Not that he was going to complain.
He had come here with the purpose of killing Tohsaka himself, and now it seemed that someone had done the job for him.
Yet…he was unsettled…because his suspicions immediately fell on…Kirei Kotomine.
So…the dog of the church…found he could slip out of his collar…?
But his working mind was interrupted by his phone going off. Kiritsugu's heartbeat spiked, since he'd asked Maiya to only call him in the event of an emergency at this juncture.
Which meant—
—Again, how that last conversation with Natalia began ambushed his thoughts—
He was already on his feet when he picked up the phone.
And all he could hear as he raced down the hall was the blast of gunfire…and then Irisviel's voice—
"Maiya…!"
Here he stopped dead, as if his legs already knew it was too late—
"IRI!" His shout into the phone was raw, desperate.
And thinking only of his wife, and not thinking at all, he raised his hand that bore the Command Seals and cried out, "By my Command Seal, I order you: Saber, go to the storehouse! Immediately!"
One of the limbs of the cross-shaped set of Command Seals faded away instantly.
Jamming his closed phone back into his pocket, he gunned it out of the Tohsaka manor house, regaining top speed, his heart hammering in his chest, as all that was once before calm and collected in his thoughts suddenly scattered like an upset hive of bees.
Damn it…damn it…damn it…damn it…what Servant broke through the barrier I'd placed…how did they know to find Irisviel there…? Damn it…damn it…damn it…!
If he didn't act fast, it would all go to pieces right before him. Yet all he could think of was Irisviel in this state she was in, helpless and unable to defend herself. And with that, his feet flew faster beneath him.
Too late. He was always too damn late.
The door to the storehouse had been entirely demolished. Kiritsugu already had his Calico at the ready for the first thing still hanging around that tried to attack him. But he was also aware of the permeating sense of death, that quiet that was particular to it, like when he would enter a ruined building full of unarmed people who had just been executed by soldiers.
This time, the executed was Maiya, as he spied her lifeless body laid out on the cold floor.
Irisviel was nowhere to be seen.
Confirming that there was no one around to attack, Kiritsugu leapt over the rubble in his haste to Maiya's side, and tossing aside the gun he fell to his knees beside her. One touch to her face, and he could still sense the warmth of life, even as he could also feel it ebbing away.
"Maiya…."
Maiya stirred, her breath faint from the massive amount of blood she'd lost from what looked like a sword-stroke to her vitals. She'd suffered a blow to the head too, as blood trickled from her brow and she had to blink it out of her eyes as she forced them open.
"It was Rider…" she croaked.
For a moment, Kiritsugu couldn't speak, and when he could, he realized why, as his voice came out in a shaky breath. "I understand…." And before he could stop it, his lip trembled.
And then Maiya gave Kiritsugu a smile he'd never seen her wear before. And she gave a frail giggle. A giggle, of all things. This young woman whom Kiritsugu had rescued from the hell of the battlefield, and yet…he hadn't really rescued her at all…because she had already been dead, when he'd found her that day. She had followed him, asking only that he make some use of her, as she had nothing else in her life.
"Give me a gun, and I'll go with you," she'd told him. "Otherwise…you might as well kill me now…."
"Now, now…I can't have you crying," she whispered to him then, almost teasing him, as she reached up and touched his face. "There's still so much you have to do. Don't waste time crying…over me…save those tears…you need to save those tears…for your wife…."
Only then did Kiritsugu realize that the tears were already falling, rolling down the sides of his face.
Even if he had never felt anything but appreciation for Maiya as a valuable asset, seeing her this way summed up her whole, sad little life. How could he not weep over that, in the end?
"This morning…you know…you finally looked…like your old self…the Kiritsugu…I remember…." Maiya's smile widened, even as it was clear what kind of pain she was in.
"Maiya…."
"So you see, you can't cry now. You can't break. Don't lose your resolve…you're so close…."
Kiritsugu swallowed, shaking off his tears. "Don't worry. Leave everything to Saber. You can rest now. Maiya…your task here…is done."
Maiya, unable to say anything more, could only nod, as she closed her eyes and a rare look of tranquility settled over her. Her hand touching Kiritsugu's face went limp and fell away, but Kiritsugu caught it in his, clutching it, that piece of him that always moaned, No, don't go. Not just yet. Please…don't die…please don't die on me….
He squeezed that hand, even as he felt it go cold, even as he could no longer sense her breathing.
"Maiya…."
It was pathetic, really. No matter what he tried…with Maiya…with his wife…with his daughter…he always ended up mourning in the end.
"Maiya!"
Crushing that hand he had known since it was much smaller, he let the tears spill again, and like when he and Irisviel had been on the battlements of Einzbern Castle together, he allowed himself a moment just to cry like he secretly wanted to.
"Maiya…you…."
But when there was nothing left, he gulped back the rest of his tears, and became stone once more. Looking up, he knew his dark eyes must have turned utterly dangerous. Again, he became the machine, as he laid Maiya's hand over her stopped heart and stood.
A quick investigation of the room presented the buckle Rider wore, only to have it disappear into nothing, as though it had turned to black ash and blew away.
That was all the master hunter needed to go on.
Berserker.
Kariya Matou.
Taking the Calico back to the truck, Kiritsugu switched that out for one of the M1911 semiautomatic pistols. Though he went through the motions of making his way to the Matou residence in the truck, there was one fixed point in his mind through all the numbness he otherwise surrounded himself with to cut himself off from the pain of Maiya's loss.
Iri.
He would come for her one last time. He couldn't bear this. Not with Maiya dead. He could feel his control slipping away, but for the moment, he didn't care, as the spirit of a vengeful, wounded beast overtook him. He didn't even really give any thought to the fact that Saber was no doubt still tearing after Rider, likely astride the motorcycle.
At the Matou residence, he tore down the lame excuse for a barrier rather handily (not that he wasn't already quite good at such things), and the only soul he found within was a man who had to be Kariya Matou's younger brother, Byakuya.
Byakuya, for his part, was drunk off his ass when Kiritsugu found him. And true to form, Kiritsugu wasted no time getting to the point.
The man was in the middle of taking another swig straight from the bottle of whatever he was drowning himself in when Kiritsugu snatched the bottle away and smashed it to the floor.
Choking, Byakuya gasped out a, "What the hell?!", only to have it all knocked out of him, along with his breath, when he suffered a blow to the back courtesy of Kiristugu's knee.
"Hey! Who're—?!"
But then he looked up at the man bearing down upon him, and seeing him was enough for him to lose all hope and give himself up to despair. He went limp easily enough, but before he could cover his head with his hands, Kiritsugu pinned him hard to the floor so he couldn't move a muscle, except to scream and kick out uselessly as Kiritsugu pressed the muzzle of the M1911 to the back of his head.
"Ahhh…ahhh…what do you want?!" Byakuya shouted helplessly. "Please…please don't hurt me…."
Kiritsugu shifted his target from the back of Byakuya's head to the back of Byakuya's right hand and fired.
Byakuya gave a strangled scream as the round pierced home, bringing up bright red blood in the moonlight from the high window. The man kicked out, squirming worse even than Kayneth El-Melloi.
"Did you really think you could trick me by imitating a Servant?" Kiritsugu spoke in his most dangerous, quietest voice. "Answer me now: where is Irisviel?"
"I…I…I…don't know…please…!"
"Then…where is Kariya Matou?"
"K-Kariya? I have no idea where that idiot's gone!" Byakuya wailed.
BANG!
The second shot took the hand clean off.
Byakuya screamed even louder, the scream of a man easily subdued by the fact that he was already broken before Kiritsugu even found him.
Which was why he had no trouble believing every word the man uttered through heaving, shaking sobs:
"He…he's…gone…he left this morning…with someone…who said he was an overseer from the church…! That's…that's all I know…I swear…!"
From the church…?
As the horrible conclusion settled into him, Kiritsugu withdrew the gun and rose, stepping off of the writhing, bawling Byakuya.
Kirei…Kotomine…was behind this…he…got his hands on…Iri….
Though he maintained his cold demeanor, Kiritsugu's heart burned within him, as what he had feared would happened had indeed happened. A soulless, dangerous man like Kirei Kotomine had taken away his wife. To bait him. To torment him. To see what he would do.
"Damn it," Kiritugu growled under his breath, pocketing the semiautomatic and departing the mansion, his mind already working on what to do next, leaving the whimpering, bleeding mess of Byakuya Matou on the floor.
In the end, Kiritsugu had to accept that Irisviel was already lost to him.
With nowhere else to go, Kiritsugu planted himself firmly on the front stoop of the temple of Ryuudou atop Mt. Enzo, one of the spots slated to manifest the Grail, after he arrived only to find that Kirei Kotomine was nowhere to be found there, nor at the Fuyuki Church or back at the Tohsaka Estate. That left the Fuyuki Citizens Building in Shinto. But if he went on wasting more energy pursuing Irisviel, he would have nothing left for the final confrontation for the Grail. And he was already pushing forty-plus hours without sleep again.
So he assumed a seat on those front steps, and employed his usual special method of self-hypnosis as a means of making up for lost slumber. Once he had regained his energy, he would be able to launch a frontal assault on the Citizens Building.
As he reflected on his solitude, the only thing that kept him from falling entirely into despair from the dire nature of his situation was the fact that he had faith in his wife, faith that Irisviel had faith in him.
Maiya was gone, and it was likely that if Kirei Kotomine had done all he wanted with Irisviel. He might have even gone so far as to take her life already. It wouldn't change her role as the Grail Vessel, so long as her internal organs were intact…but still. He wanted to believe at least that Irisviel had believed in him until the very end.
Iri….
His palms began to turn clammy again as they gripped the barrel of his Calico. He had done away with most of the unnessentials, keeping only the Contender and a few other small weapons on his person.
For a time, there was nothing but the serenity of the temple grounds.
But then the cry of a frightened bird, the flapping of wings, alerted Kiritsugu to someone's approach. Yet he had nothing to fear, as he looked up and saw Saber, back in her street clothes, walking up to him from the temple steps.
Once she saw that he could see her, she stopped, as if she was wary of coming closer, particularly when Kiritsugu cocked his gun, his gaze upon her cold as ever.
"I searched every corner of the city for Irisviel last night," Saber began without preamble, "but I could find no sign of her." She bowed her head, her fists clenched, but not in anger with Kiritsugu…only in despair for Irisviel's fate.
Kiritsugu, who had had to force himself to move past that, still had nothing to say to his Servant. He couldn't even be bothered to be frustrated with what energy she had wasted in what had been a foolish pursuit.
"I am deeply sorry."
And Saber sounded so. For all of her being passionate to a fault, at the very least…she could say and feel the things that he could not afford to. After all, she had come to know Irisviel as a dear friend quite as much as Irisviel had come to know her that way.
Still, none of that mattered now.
So Kiritsugu remained silent, the void filled only with the splish of a koi jumping in its pond nearby.
"Well…if you need me…summon me…using the Command Seals," said Saber.
Even now, she reminded Kiritsugu that she would remain loyal to him as her Master.
Kiritsugu gripped his gun more tightly, but still said nothing, still did not call his Servant back as she turned and walked away, back down the temple steps.
When the challenge of the lights in the sky had gone up, everything had come together in Kiritsugu's mind. That Kirei had chosen the weakest place to summon the Grail—the Citizens Building—just to get ahead of everyone else, lure all of the remaining Masters and Servants and kill them all.
So then, he would simply have to outmaneuver him and eliminate him quickly. It was as simple as that.
Now Kiritsugu moved through the city even more as one separate from all of the other people walking around him. A dark wraith, numbing himself even to the fact that he was making his way to the final battle of his life.
In this moment, as he made his way to the Fuyuki Citizens Building, he had never felt more the machine he had built himself into than he did now.
And deep underground the Citizens Building, he discovered a dark room in the basement, only for the lights to flick on…and there was Kirei Kotomine, standing there before him.
The priest had a grin of utter joy on his face at this meeting, and he marked the occasion with a touch of his lips to the cross around his neck.
Without a word, Kiritsugu raised the Contender, and fired the first origin round, as Kotomine snapped open his Black Keys—Kiritsugu remembered them even now from the day Inquisitors came to eradicate the Dead Apostles running amok on Arimago Island.
Only—
Kotomine ran straight at him, raising his Black Keys like a shield, and though the bullet broke through, Kotomine himself was unharmed.
What the—?
Thinking fast and employing his Time-Alter to speed up his body in order to evade Kotomine's assault, just as he had done with Kayneth, Kiritsugu raised the Calico and sent a spray of bullets at his opponent, forcing Kotomine to block every last round. But at the very least it stopped him in his tracks for the present.
The origin rounds aren't working?
But then he noticed the afterglow of mana on the numerous Command Seals that laced Kotomine's arm as he retracted his Black Keys and opted for a position that was no doubt part of his baji quan technique.
He's using the Command Seals as his mana source…which means the origin rounds won't function the way I need them to….
Kiritsugu cocked and raised his Contender again with a fresh round.
But he's still a man. A bullet can still kill him the old fashioned way.
Yet, just as he was about to squeeze the trigger, Kotomine launched himself forward, moving impossibly fast for someone who couldn't even alter the flow of time in his body. Even without hesitating, there was no time to make his move—only time for Kotomine's fist to connect precisely with Kiritsugu's sternum, such that the excruciating pain that blossomed within his chest already spelled out death, the force of the blow sending him flying back and slamming against the opposite wall.
And then there was only time for him to choke once on his own blood as his demolished heart gave out, and everything faded to black.
Ilya…!
However, just as quickly as the darkness of death consumed him, a light flared and chased away all shadow.
Avalon….
Even now, in this way…Irisviel was still beside him, protecting him….
In a painful rush, the breath returned to Kiritsugu's body as his lungs and heart were rapidly repaired by the ancient scabbard's healing light, but he dared not make even the slightest gasp as he found himself collapsed on the floor, with Kotomine already walking away.
Oh no you don't—
Kiritsugu lifted the Calico and sent another hail of bullets, catching Kotomine off-guard, forcing him to whirl around to protect himself, his expression genuinely shocked at seeing Kiritsugu back from the dead. Using Time-Alter, Double-Accelerate again, Kiritsugu managed to stagger to his feet before the bullets finished raining down on Kotomine, leaving both men bleeding, out of breath, and a little worse for wear than before.
Already going on the logic that Avalon could work on self-inflicted wounds, Kiritsugu made the decision to take Time-Alter to a level he had never done before, since before it would have utterly torn his body apart into tiny pieces. Before Kotomine could blink then, he came at him with Time-Alter, Triple-Accelerate. Kotomine barely had time to block him with the knife he whipped out from inside his coat.
Even so, Kotomine still managed to match him well enough to block further blows from his knife, forcing Kiritsugu to employ Square-Accelerate and kick him away before he could get at his skull.
As the sparring men broke away, Kotomine broke out his Black Keys again, and Kiritsugu loaded and raised his Contender once more. As Kotomine sprang forward, Kiritsugu aimed the gun, his finger squeezing the trigger, his regenerated heart hammering wildly in his chest as he felt his numbness fall away in the face of such ferocious fear and excitement both rising up inside him—
I will kill him.
I will die.
Both seemed to be a likely outcome.
But then—
The ceiling broke apart, and what seemed like a torrent of blood rained down upon the two men, and Kiritsugu was consumed by the liquid, and enveloped in darkness once more.
For much of Kiritsugu's life, he had known more despair than anything else. But after all of that, he hadn't realized that he hadn't known true despair until now, when the last hope he held inside of him was taken away by a terrible truth.
The Holy Grail…was nothing more than a tool of corruption. One that would always choose the most violent answer to anyone's wish…would choose the cruelest and most violent victor to achieve that end…so saying, the only way it would grant Kiritsugu's wish…
…would be to wipe out all of humanity….
This was what the Grail showed him while he was inside of it.
"No! No this is not what I want!" he cried out, bristling from head to foot with wrath that the one thing he had put all his work and prayers into…was nothing but a deception.
He had killed his father, the woman he had come to see as a mother, and he might as well have killed Maiya…and then his wife…all in the name of his justice….
And now….
"Welcome home, Daddy!"
Before Kiritsugu knew it, the images of his wife and daughter appeared before him, and Ilya herself bounced up into his arms, hugging him tight.
"Oh, I'm so glad you're finally back!"
No…it isn't real…Ilya….
Yet the world around him had become just like their room at Einzbern Castle in the mountains in Germany. The home and the life he had built with his own wife and daughter, was indeed a happy dream that threatened to win over the older one that had lived in his heart for so long.
"You understand now, don't you?" Irisviel said to him eagerly from where she sat on their bed, floating in this moment of bliss with her husband and daughter. "This is all the miracle of the Holy Grail. All you need do now…is to wish for it…to bring back your wife…to take back your daughter…."
Kiritsugu stared at her, as Ilya, hugging him again, kissed his cheek and rested her head on his shoulder. "Daddy…."
Indeed, she felt so real, even smelled of violets, just like he remembered.
I can…have them back…if I accept the Grail's method of granting my wish…I'll have my utopia….
He stared at this imitation Irisviel, and his heart ached more terribly perhaps than ever before.
And he felt in his soul that terrible creak of the scale as he automatically weighed both sides….
Ah. So that's it.
To refuse the Grail…in order to stop its evil…I'll have to….
"I won't be able…to go looking for walnuts with you anymore," he told Ilya, looking out at the dark mud that had taken place of the snow outside. He could already feel the hair fracture to his heart as it began to break.
Yet, he knew the only choice he could live with. But that meant he had to abandon….
"It's okay," Ilya's voice told him happily, and Kiritsugu basked in the image of his daughter speaking to him. "Ilya will be happy just as long as she's with Kiritsugu and Mother."
To refuse the Grail…I'll have to….
"Thank you," Kiritsugu croaked, petting his beloved daughter's hair. "Daddy loves you, my precious Ilya," he told her, hugging her close, "If nothing else, I swear that's true."
To refuse the Grail…I'll have to….
The hands moved as if they had a mind of their own, pressing the muzzle of the Contender beneath his daughter's chin. The face that had always looked so happily up at him—
It isn't real, it isn't her—
—stared at him in utter confusion—
"Goodbye…Ilya…."
Squeezing the trigger, Ilya's little silver-haired head exploded with the sound of the gun going off. He didn't even flinch as her blood painted his face with the mark of his sin. As Ilya's small body slid from his arms and dropped to the floor, and Irisviel shrieked in as much horror as that day Ilya fell through the ice, Kiritsugu felt the tears well up in his eyes as he looked upon the scene. Even so, he snapped open the Contender and sought a new round in his pocket while Irisviel sobbed over their dead daughter.
But then Irisviel flew at him—and even if she was just a shell, and not the real Irisviel, she was a perfect imitation, in her rage against the husband who had slaughtered her child. Grabbing him by the coat as if she would tear at him, she screamed:
"Why?! Why, would you do this?!" she sobbed. "My love, you've killed our Ilya!"
With her hands clawing at him, Kiritsugu switched tactics and grasped the image of his wife by her slender neck…and she too…she smelled just like the real her…the scent of irises….
Kiritsugu forced his hand to squeeze, sinking to his knees so he was on level with this Irisviel who was and was not his wife.
"My love…why do you…refuse…us…and the Grail…?" Irisviel gasped as she choked, grasping him by the hand with both hers of she fought to force him off of her.
This woman whose memory filled his mind with all they had shared together, how she had reached out to him, how they had shared both laughter and tears together, how he had given her every gentle touch, so that she would know in each one that he loved her so much….
The gathering tears in Kiritsugu's eyes threatened to spill—
"Six billion people…on the Earth…against my wife and child…."
Irisviel's red eyes went wide as they burned in Kiritsugu's face with demonic hatred.
She had never looked so inhuman as she did now.
"I…curse you…Kiritsugu…Emiya…Angra Mainyu…curses you…."
"That's why…I have to kill you…."
"Suffer…until the day…you die…."
It doesn't matter you're throwing away your last chance to save her—you can do this—kill her—kill her—
The tears that broke free then and fell, unchecked, came from Kiritsugu's broken, screaming heart. It was as if he was possessed of two minds—one that killed without any remorse, and one that at the exact same time cried out for him to stop, please stop, this is your wife and you love her—!
"And I will save…the world…" he choked out.
"I'll…never…forgive…you—!"
SNAP!
The body that resembled the woman Kiritsugu loved went limp as the neck broke under the crushing weight of his hand.
It was done. It was over.
Now all that was left were the tears.
And yet….
Iri….
Kiritsugu bowed his head, shaking all over again. "Iri…Iri…Iri…!"
But then the world fell away again, along with Kiritsugu's tears, and he found himself again in the basement of the Fuyuki Citizens Building, the floor flooded with the residue of the black mud that had overflowed from the Grail. Catching his breath in great heaving gasps, he put a hand to his head as his mind still reeled from that vision.
Iri…Ilya…did I kill Ilya? No…no that wasn't real…that wasn't really her…was it…? Oh God…. No…I just rejected the Grail…but I can still…I can still save her…I have to try….
On the ground, Kirei Kotomine lay face down. As he stirred, Kiritsugu swallowed his horror and turned cold and resolute once more. He regained his feet, finding his Contender in his hand again. Just when Kotomine tried to get up, Kiritsugu pressed the muzzle of the Contender against the back of his head, clicking the hammer.
Pausing and putting his hands up, Kotomine chuckled mirthlessly as Kiritsugu heard his voice for the first time.
"What a boring conclusion to this fight. Why did you refuse it?"
"You were able to see all that?"
"I thought you'd sacrificed everything you had including your family…in order to make it to this point. How can you so easily deny the worth of something you worked so hard to attain?"
"The tremendous toll it demands…far outweighs what it can offer. That's the simple truth. That thing…is no omnipotent wish-granter."
"Then give the damn thing to me!"
Kiritsugu cocked the gun, not about to hand possession of the Grail over to this man…this man who at once could not truly love anyone or anything…who felt an empty need for destruction just to answer his own selfish questions…who perhaps envied Kiritsugu's ability to love despite what he did, and so could not understand why he would do the things he did and hated him for it.
Even so, Kotomine still begged for the Grail.
"You may have no use for it, but I most certainly do! If…if it is given the life it is seeking, then surely it can answer my every doubt! The Grail longs for a life of its own, longs for its own birth! Please, don't kill it. It's—!"
BANG.
Having heard enough of such wild ranting, Kiritsugu fired the Contender one last time, shooting the priest through the back. As the man fell dead, splashing in the mud of the Grail, he lifted the smoking gun away.
"No…you are the fool…I can't understand."
As he holstered the Contender, he heard voices above him. A floating cup that shined with gold loomed above, waiting. The Grail could still unleash its power for another, accept another's wish.
"Iri…."
It had to be destroyed.
"Saber!" called the self-indulgent voice of Archer, Tohsaka's former Servant…no doubt he had formed a pact with Kirei Kotomine after Kotomine had killed the man.
But if Saber was there…and with his remaining Command Seals….
Kiritsugu traced the pattern of his two remaining Seals, before making his way out of the basement to the stairwell that would lead to the floor above.
In the otherwise empty auditorium, he found Saber pinned down literally by Archer, who seemed to be making sport of throwing his store of swords and other weapons at her lest she agree to marry him in all his golden glory, the Vessel of the Holy Grail still benignly shining behind him, and Saber determined to get past him to reach it, looking as though she'd already come out of a harrowing battle with another Servant. Berskerker, perhaps, since he'd been so fixated on her.
It was a shame, really, when Saber sensed Kiritsugu's presence and looked his way, and for the first time she looked at him with a hope in her jade green eyes.
"Kiritsugu…."
This alone gave her the will to rise to her feet again.
Though Kiritsugu, as ever, was unwavering, for the first time, he spoke directly to her, looking her straight in the face from across the great room.
"In the name of Kiritsugu Emiya, and by my Command Seal: use your Noble Phantasm—destroy the Grail."
Excalibur in Saber's hand began to glow, even as the very surprised Saber did her best to hold it back.
"What? No!"
"What're you doing Saber?!" Archer demanded.
Despite the Seal having disappeared, Saber, with every fiber of her being, resisted the Command. But then, perhaps Kiritsugu's heart was holding him back again. After all, if he destroyed the Grail, what hope was there left that he would be able to find Irisviel's soul again, the soul he'd helped her to cultivate and believe in?
There could be no swaying. The Grail was evil, and could not be permitted to exist.
"By my third Command Seal, I order you again..."
"But, why...Kiritsugu?!" Saber choked as she fought against her sword already pulling her against her own personal will to raise it up and prepare to use Excalibur's deadliest strike. "You...of all people...why this?!"
"You dare interrupt my nuptials!" shouted the pompous Archer. "Mongrel!"
"Saber...destroy...the Holy Grail!" Kiritsugu commanded, without a trace of flinching or hesitation.
"STOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!" Saber wailed as the great, glowing sword came down.
Kiritsugu watched as she stood there, watching her sword destroy what she had desired so desperately in all of this. He knew the stance of a person whose soul was broken only too well. As the light swallowed her and the shape of the Grail cup away, he suddenly felt remorse in his heart. No doubt she had wished she could have changed the fate of her fallen Briton, or even maybe that she would have had the chance to really love another person, rather than to be married to a woman like Guinevere just for appearances, or even maybe...that she'd never pulled that sword out of the stone in the first place.
And he had torn down everything she had stood for, everything she had been as a person.
"Saber...I'm sorry," he murmured.
But Saber was already gone, and Kiritsugu was left with the smallest regret that she didn't try to look at him again...because he suddenly wanted very much to look at those powerful, piercing green eyes again, so strong and so sure of herself.
You were….
The building quaked and crumbled from within with the force of the Grail's taking the hit from Excalibur. Kiritsugu had to shield his face from the cloud of dust that rose up. Squinting into the crater that was left behind, he tried to see if any trace of the Grail had been left. It didn't appear so…
…but a strange darkness loomed overhead, and it wasn't the darkness of night.
Looking up, Kiritsugu gasped at what he saw: a great black hole that looked as though it might swallow the world whole.
"What…? That can't…."
It was the same black hole he had seen in the visions the Grail had shown him. That was the Grail there, shed of its Vessel...the container was gone….
And contents that have no container…
…spill….
There wasn't even time to properly fathom the terrifying sight above, before the dark curse of the Grail fell upon the world in a raging fall of fire. Kiritsugu didn't even think of himself as this great power of destruction descended so turbulently upon the little Shinto neighborhood surrounding the Citizens Building. All he could do was stand there helpless and horrified as the curse burned away everything it touched, spilling across the land and turning all to searing flame.
"It can't be…that's impossible!"
Yet that certainly didn't change anything. This unassuming little part of Fuyuki was entirely consumed in a great flaming death, killing God knew how many people.
Kiritsugu was too horrified even to scream at first. He could only watch.
Then the smoke cleared enough that he could see. Heart jumping in his chest, Kiritsugu wasted no time tearing down into the crater where all those buildings once stood. He gave no thought to the fact that he was leaping into another hell. He had leapt into so many hells before.
It didn't even matter that any lives lost in this great fire would still be small in comparison to the entire world…because he hadn't meant for this to happen as a result of his actions. That, and after what the Grail had shown him, that kind of thinking didn't feel applicable anymore. Not when horrifying disasters and mass deaths, in the end, felt now like nothing more than unbiased chaos that could never truly be measured.
The scales he had used for so long broke and fell.
Now all that mattered was finding as many people still alive as he could. He could hear their screams of pain and agony the moment he jumped into the maw of the flames. But no matter who he managed to reach, to uncover even at the cost of burning his own hands…no one he found was anywhere close to being alive anymore. Many were scorched beyond recognition of having ever even been human. Men, woman, children…infants.
And Saber's words haunted him then, over and over:
"Kiritsugu, don't you see? If you do evil to stop evil, you will only perpetuate the cycle you claim you long to break."
There came a point, as he dug relentlessly into the very ash just to find someone, when he came up and watched it all crumble in his hands…in that moment, his whole life seemed encapsulated in that one image…
…and that broke him.
Unable to hold back anymore, he let out a wail, knowing again the ultimate pain of true despair, surveying the horror around him, knowing there weren't enough screams inside of him to make up for all the terrible destruction that surrounded him.
Then he grabbed his head in his hands and bent double, shaking in paroxysms of grief.
"WHAT WAS ALL THIS FOR, THEN? WHAT WAS THE POINT? IRI! IRI, WHAT DID YOU DIE FOR? WHAT IN THE HELL DID YOU DIE FOR? OH GOD…IRI…ILYA…FORGIVE ME…ILYA…ILYA…!"
And even as he at least wanted to feel that he could reach his daughter, somehow, that somehow doing so would make all of this horror go away…his pain gradually turned numb in his growing exhaustion taking its toll on his body…and he knew he could not leave this place until he found someone….
He couldn't be worthy to call himself his daughter's father until…unfit to do anything beyond letting the flames take him unless….
Catching his breath and wiping away his tears with the back of his hand like a child, the numbness he reassumed so cold around him he didn't feel a single breath of the fire's burning heat, he forced himself to his feet again and stalked through the fire, resuming his tireless searching for a survivor, any survivor.
Ilya…wait for me…wait for Daddy…just wait…just a little longer…I promise…I just have to….
And so as the fires cooled and diminished, and the great crackling flames were accompanied by the keens of emergency sirens, Kiritsugu embarked on the long, scouring march to what scrap of hope he prayed he would find somewhere amid the burning rubble.