"And then she says 'Ooh what a gun!' but he talkes back completetly shitfaced 'Babe I can show you the real cannon' and got slapped so hard that whole room was laughing" Max's voice coming from cockpit meant only one thing: embarrasing moments from John's past.
"Alright what you two clowns are doing?" Commander came up to Duo of Laughs.
"Oh just getting on the same page by swapping stories about you Comander" Joker said.
"I've recorded over 14 stories regarding your behaviour under influence of alcohol or in presence of women Commander" EDI's avatar present in the cockpit piped in. Great, now it's on the extranet. All right, you gonna get some, stooges.
"Max, should I tell about how you were asking people who crapped in your pants while wearing them still full of shit and being piss drunk, all on your 17th birthday?" John felt warmth seeing Max's grin dying out from his face. He turned to Joker. "Should I remind you Joker that an asari-elcor edition of 'Fornax' appeared in your history of subscriptions as a golden member and supporter of magazine?" Now Joker was speechless. That's right, don't screw with the boss ,kids...
"I think we got owned" Jester said and roared in laughter, rest joined in.
"Never screw with Commander in any case, I get it" Joker wiped a tear still chuckling.
"Commander, Illusive Man is waiting on line in the briefing room" EDI's voice broke through good mood.
"And what Illustrious Man wants this time?" John asked rethorically leaving funny men to themselves laughing at Cerberus leader's new name.
Holo kicked in and an image of master manipulator appeared. This time he was standing and furiously smoking cigarette. John was sure this would be about Max. Damned Miranda.
"Shepard, we got them. Colony on Horizon just went off grid. Collectors are on the move." Shit just got serious.
"Send the coordinates, it's time to meet them" John threw everything from his head out. Collectors were abducting another colony, not on his watch.
"Before you go, Alliance stationed there Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko, officially to bring independent colonies closer to Alliance" At this words Shepards eyes narrowed.
"Collectors attacked a colony with my former crewmate? What a coincidence..." Sarcasm was oozing from his words. Illusive Man only took another drag and puffed some smoke.
"It can be, or not. You killed a Reaper and if the Collectors are their thralls, you and those around you must've picked their interest. One way or another, you need to put a stop to this. I have faith in you." Cerberus boss terminated link.
"Joker, stop giggling and set on colony of Horizon. EDI! Get coordinates! I want there yesterday!" John barked into intercom. "All operatives bring your sorry asses to briefing room!" Adrenaline already was coursing in him, Just a bit now but will be more.
/.../
"Somebody's cranky" Max's voice was first to come in.
"Wait for the others, you'll know"
Everybody assembled prompting John to speak.
"Alright team, here's the deal. Colony of Horizon just went dark. Collectors are in play. We get there and smoke 'em. Everybody's on this one." All operatives nodded. "Mordin, you better got those countermeasures ready" John turned to salarian. He made his weird smile.
"Yes. Everything ready. Managed to fully integrate generators creating blind spot on seekers radar, Jester's expertise invaluable though his suggestion for generators to play 'Loituma' counter productive...also quite unnerving."
John only sighed and let this one go. "Okay, I want everybody ready at least 30 minutes before hitting the orbit. Clear?" A series of acknowledgments rang and room emptied, only Grunt and Max were left.
"I need a gun" Grunt said nervously. Max only rolled his eyes. "Come on you lizard, let's find you something". And both left.
"Alright buddy, what's on your mind?" Jester asked walking into armory. "A shotgun and a rifle" Grunt spoke after thinking a while, recalling lessons from imprints. Jester whipped up a spare Mattock and give to Grunt. "Feels good?" Grunt only nodded. "Okay, you can hold more so I'll over amp it and add incendiary ammo to burn any armor...a shotgun..." he motioned and pulled a Katana shotgun, glanced at Grunt then at the shotgun and shooked his head. "This is a bird shot in your hands, I'll have to think of something...Got it!" from uder the table he pulled a device. "This'll make it one shot but will drill a hole in a tank. Hell of a kick and only up close" Grunt nodded again. "Come here before action, It'll be ready". Krogan left while Max sighed and begun disassembling guns.
John decided to catch some shut eye before combat, and maybe stare at Liara for a while...
/.../
"Let's go to the beach of diamonds...Let's go...Let's run across sand that sparkles...Let's dive into a sea that is made of glass" Max's singing was going from under his hood. Kasumi sitting next to him smiled. She liked his voice, so when whole group was trying to fit in the shuttle she called dibs on seat next to him. Most of the group was tensed. Shepard was focused, Miranda icy and Zaeed smoked his cigar torturing everybody with faint mint smell.
"Let's go to the beach of diamonds, let's go..." Kasumi tapped Max in the leg and pointed at little box that was under Jester's booted leg. "What's that?"
"Party tricks!" Jester gave a mischievious smile. Kasumi grinned.
"We're one minute out!" Garrus stated. Max only shrugged and pulled hood down, put his facemask on and hood back. He also started singing different tune.
"I said I wanna be healthy but I turn up the noise...IV drips a steady stream of poison..."
As they deployed, seeker swarms luckily we're fooled by generators. Fighting with Collectors was certainly a new experience. Also another test field for Max. While they were pinned by concetrated fire Max apparently got irritated by that situation. He unstrapped disc hanging on his side and threw in the air. Disc expanded and turned into tear like shape that flew right at Collectors and exploded in ball of fire. Everybody just stared at him. "Boink! I hate when it gets boring, a party trick a day keeps lame guys away" He cheerfully stated.
Crashing trough spaceport, barracks and storage rooms they encountered a few colonists. paralyzed by seeker swarms yet fully alive. Rummaging through crates, while others watched Mordin examine colonists, Kasumi proved to be much more skilled hacker than Max, his idea of opening is burning circuits or bypassing with explosives when Kasumi was able to liberate a few valuable devices from storage safe without even leaving a trace.
"Beaten by classy japanese...Oh well" Jester only laughed while Kasumi beamed with pride. "I just blow stuff up and tell jokes" He winked smiling.
"Among other things..." Kasumi only said mysteriously and joined the rest. Jester steered to the side, where opened Collector pod was standing. He saw an interesting weapon, a cigar like shaped rifle made of something between bugs armor and rock. Single grip and trigger was all standing out from body.
"Hey Logan, come here." John come over and Max handed him strange weapon. "Some gun from bugs, stow it somwhere, maybe I'll figure it out when we're back" John only nodded and slung it on his sniper mag lock. They got wicked technology, so their guns must be potent too.
When approaching ramp leading from spaceport they encountered another batch of Collectors. But this time one of them glowed from inside. Also talked.
"Assuming direct control" A yellow and red light was shinig through it's body. Voice was deep and trembling, unlike anything else for others but for Shepard memories surged... Virmire... A Reaper. Now he was sure who was behind these attacks.
"Resistance is futile" glowing Collector was now shimmering with glow similar to biotics, but yellow. Created a ball of energy and sended it at piece of pre-fab where Jester was hiding. cover shattered and Max was thrown away a few feet back. Kasumi and Garrus broke cover to pull him into safety while John and rest were firing on the glowing Collector. "His shields are too thick!" Miranda shouted. Shepard was pissed after witnessing his brother getting hurt, he grabbed a Collector weapon from locks and aiming at glowing bastard, pulled the trigger.
Fracture of a second later gun sended a sustained beam of energy, similar to one shot by Collector, ripping the body to molecules. Glow died for a second, then Collector exploded. Shepard blinked and looked at the gun then at his team. All were looking with shock at him. John holstered weapon deciding to keep it for big fish only and ran to his brother, laying behind a stack of rubble.
"Max, you okay bro?" John kneeled next to him.
"Yeah, just a little tapped out. Good you kept that fancy new toy." Jester responded and got up. "I'm good, medi-gel works, nothing cracked I guess" He reassured John then turned to Kasumi and Garrus "Thank for pulling me out guys, I appreciate it" Garrus nodded and Kasumi smiled.
Fighting one more pack of Collectors they reached a huge storage room. Entering, Shepard caught a noise, and a scared colonist in mechanic overalls came out from behind container.
"You're human! Close the doors or those things come in!"
"They're dead already, the Collectors are persistent" Shepard retorted
"Collectors are real? I thought they're bullshit to keep us in Alliance. It's all their fault! The put laser towers here and that Alenko guy! Without it we'd be safer!" Colonist was ranting. Shepard only shooked head and called EDI on the intercom.
"EDI? What about these guns?"
"GARDIAN laser towers are online but miscalibrated, if conected I can use them to fire on the Collectors warship that landed in the heart of the colony."
"Calibrated? Good thing you brought me with you boss." Garrus chuckled moving his mandibles.
"I need it fast to shoot big ass ship not to shave with it. EDI would be faster Birdman," John replied looking how Kasumi was hacking another doors lock since colony mechanic just went to rant into corner.
"I get absolute zero respect for my abilities" Garrus grumbled gripping his Mantis harder. "Story of my life man" Max chuckled idly juggling with grenades.
As they entered a yard with few stacks of cargo cates and a shack with antenna, a howl drilled their ears. That sound can come only from one source.
"Husks" John and Garrus said in unison seeing mechanized corpses pouring from the other side of yard. While squad took cover behind crates, Kasumi cloaked in and went to the shack to connect EDI.
"Jack, throw shockwaves at groups, Miranda, warp any stragglers. Rest of you keep your distanceand shoot!"
"Hey Logan! It's like those old vids about zombies! You think they eat brains too?" Max laughed reloading his hybrid rifle.
"My god what are they?" Miranda gasped at new monsters that were dragging behind a group of husks. Resembling a bunch of twisted and mangled husks wired together, limping on two legs. One arm turned into a cannon that was shooting super-coolant filled slugs.
"Got Collectors here" Garrus announced motioning to one of the doors. This looked bad.
"Calibrations complete, commencing fire" EDI's voice rang. At the same time, both husks and Collectors pressed an attack on the team.
"Everybody down! Hide yourselves! Kasumi get down!" Jester yelled pulling out a device composed of two cylinders connected with a tube. "This is gonna hurt!" He twisted the cylinders connecting them and threw at enemies.
A deafening thunder cracked and shockwave trembled everything around. Shepard risked a look at the scene. A small cloud was dispersing and grass was burned to the ground in 40 feet radius, both husks and Collector vaporized. Rest of the eam looked agape too.
"That ladies and gents...was Maxwell's Demon" Jester announced getting up from the ground.
"Oi, look! Bastards are runnin'!" Zaeed pointed at the Collectors ship that reminded of cigar shaped starship with chunks of rocks glued to it. The ship' thrusters were engaged with GARDIAN towers firing on it relentlessly. Ship let out a ball of fire and flew from the ground, quickly entering hyperspace.
"No! The'y got my friends there! Do something!" A panicked mechanic from storage room appeared and started yelling.
"Like what? Ship's gone, idiot." Garrus snapped at ungrateful colonist.
"Yeah, screw you. We're done Shepard?" Jack asked Commander.
"Shepard? I know you, som big Alliance hero huh? Bullshit not a hero!" Mechanic turned around and walked away.
"Commander Shepard, hero of the Citadel..." A mellow baritone rang from one of the doors. Kaidan Alenko walked up to his lost Commander. "And a ghost."
"Kaidan! Thank god you're alive" John stepped in to shake man's hand but Kaidan stood still.
"That's all you have to say? For two years you were gone and what? Water under the bridge?" Kaidan said accusingly.
"I was dead Kaidan, month ago I woke up in Cerberus base. Two years I was out."
Kaidan took another step back. "You're Cerberus now? We got rumors about it but I didn't believed them..."
"I had no choice who would bring me back to life, listen to me Alenko! Those things? They're Collectors, they attack human colonies. I'm trying to stop them but both Alliance and Council gave me a finger. What was I supposed to do?"
"You betrayed Alliance Shepard, I won't" Kaidan repeated. John only sighed feeling anger flowing through him.
"You know what? Go, go to the Alliance and act like another asshole from long list of people who doesn't trust me. When hell will show up at your door, when your world start burning, when Reapers set your house on fire...Then you and everybody else will regret not listening to me." John turned around and joined his team, going back to the shuttle.
/.../
"Shepard, good work on Horizon" Illusive man was lounging in his chair nursing a drink.
"Half a colony gone, hard to call it job done" Shepard was killing smug bastard with his stare.
"That's half more still standing than usual. And they finally hit resistance, they'll be cautious and less frequent with attacks." Illusive Man took a sip from glass. "Keep building up your team, make sure they're comitted. I'll search for intel on the Collectors" As usual, Cerberus leader terminated link at his convienience.
"Aw fuck this..." Shepard went to the bar for a drink. No Kasumi, good. He snatched a few bottles and went to his cabin. He's gonna burn some of this implants...
/.../
"You armor is extremely resillient against shockwaves. It kept you alive Max." Doctor Chakwas patted Jester in his naked arm.
"It was designed to withstand my parties, thanks for tying my ribs up though" Max grinned as Chakwas with maternal scowl, scolded him about broken rib and constraints that came with it. Doors opened and Kasumi along with Kelly entered.
"Oh- I- Are we interrupting?" Kelly stuttered while Kasumi licked her lips looking at shirtless Jester. He was slim, but ripped and packed tight with muscles, a few scars and burns showed he was no stranger to med bay. Small tattooed crest on his chest and silhouette of dagger emblem on arm were pleading to ask about.
"What's up ladies?" Jester gave a lop-sided smirk trying not to laugh at gawking girls.
"Can I help you? Or you here to ogle?" Karin's thick accent broke the duo from stupor.
"Actually we were looking Max" Kelly blushed while Kasumi giggled. "Commander locked himself in his cabin and it sounds bad, he's not answering any hails."
"Oh shit..." Jester stood up and put on a t-shirt. Kasumi was a hairline from making a pouted face for ending the show.
"Ladies, Imma need your help on this one" He motioned at them and walked out of med bay saying goodbyes to good doctor. "Alright, Kelly, keep Miranda and whatever any demon far from Logan's cabin" Kelly was close to snapping a salute. "And you 'Sumi... I need something from your private reserves" He walked into the bar and fished through the bottles. "Hmmm looks like Logan was here first, not good...Yes! That'll do" He grabbed a bottle."Thanks 'Sumi you're the best!" He said leaving. Kasumi gave him a confused look then smiled reaching for romance book she was holding nearby.
/.../
John gulped down another glass of liquor. He had a few seconds of buzz before implants process it and he'll sober up again. He was staring at framed photo of Liara, but this time it didn't helped. He felt like shit, the voices branding him a traitor were screaming in his head. Council, Anderson informing him of Alliance stance, now Alenko turning his back on him.
"I need you Li" John whispered staring at the picture. He heard doors opening.
"You alive yet? You scooped up half of the bar." Max's voice chimed in. He was walking up, with bottle in his hand.
"I'm not in the mood Max..." John started hoping his brother would get the message and leave.
"Like hell, I got pulled from under Chakwas's knife 'cause nobody had the guts to talk to you here"
John winced at this. Since when people were scared that much? Since he became a monster...
"Hey, I see you've been working hard" Max sat near him on the couch. "And yet you're not on the ground"
"It's those implants, I can't even crash and get drunk, few seconds at best now" Shepard retorted angered.
Max picked up what he was drinking. "That's some high end stuff. It only smells weird" Jester put bottle he bringed on the table. Label had only '40 oz.' written on it. Shepard raised eyebrow.
"You wanna get hammered? Use the damn hammer" Jester said pouring two glasses. He gave one to the John and drank his own. John gulped it and shivered. Tasted like fire mixed with engine oil. "What's that, tastes like acid"
"Dunno how it got there but it's cheap and loosens you up while keeping on your toes. A pefect bitter brew." Max laughed and poured next round. John felt it, no buzz but tension eased up. He sighed with relief.
"That your girl?" Jester was pointing at picture.
"Yeah, Liara T'Soni"
"Never knew you were feelin' blues. Tell me about her" Jester lounged at the couch a bit.
"I picked her up on Therum, during my hunt for Saren I uncovered that asari matriarch Benezia was working with him. Liara is...was her daughter. She was an archeologist and working on a dig site where I found her." John smiled at the memory of seeing her for first time. "She got trapped in the stasis field. She studied ruins of prothean tech and flipped the wrong switch"
Jester chuckled and added "Girls and their snooping..." while shaking his head.
"Whole ruins were crawling with geth and she's been there for a while. She thought I was hallucination and scolded herself for dreaming about human" Shepard laughed.
"Now that's something for memoirs" Jester chuckled pouring another round.
"Yeah, along the ride she got fascinated with me because you know, prothean beacon, prothean cipher, prothean prothean prothean... She was an expert but knew zip so..."
"She wanted to dissect you or stuff and keep in her office" Jester broke down with a laughter. John only smiled and drank some more. "Kinda. She was so awkward and poor at talking that she was stammering whenever I talked to her. And she tried some nice talk but yeah, it did sounded like she wanted me stuffed and mounted on the wall"
"Then how in the hell you fell down with her?" Max tried connecting his brother who tasted with fast and loose women, to this asari scientist.
"Well I guess this once I did something after you and looked for more than meets the eye. Though she's nice, that silent bookish nerd was much more inside. Actually didn't dated much through service, few one nighthers maybe. So I started looking more at who I'm holding." John sighed, that was new. Opening up was never his strong suit. Jester only raised his hand "Then high-five bro!" John shrugged and slapped hand with Max. "You've finally seen the advantages of more sophisticated women!" They both chuckled.
"Damn, I feel different" John spoke after awhile. Sober as cadet at boot camp and yet the tension and pressure was gone. "Thanks Max" John spoke with smile.
Jester only raised his glass. "We're brother's man, we hate each other but I'd rather die before letting you down." Max replied and finished his drink. "You know, I was kinda wondering... You said you get rebuilt by Cerberus... You stil got that ink?" saying that Jester rolled up his sleeve and showed tattoo on his left bicep.
"Nope, it's gone, all of 'em" John saddened. The ink depicted a silhouette of german shepherd dog as homage to their name and a dagger or warhammer for Max and John respectively depicting their ways of living. A mark for them to rmember who they were, not to flash for others.
"How 'bout getting it back?" Jester flashed a grin. "You've seen Jack's armor? My hand. Think I can handle a tattoo." John pondered for a while. It was a bond they got for years, and right now he trusted Max more than ever.
"Okay, I'll take the plunge but first how? You have an ink gun?"
"Jack" was the answer. Yeah, con must have been doin her own tattoos but they didn't docked anywhere."I saw her swipe it from storage room on Horizon. New and clean set."
"Okay, second. We drank. No way I'm getting drunk tattoo." John motioned at empty bottle.
"Actually I kinda fucked with you here. It's a light piss just bitter as hell 'cause it's cheap" Jester laughed. "But it's the company and talk that go to your head. So no worries here"
"Okay, okay. I surrender, let's do this before I'll change my mind" Shepard chuckled and got up.
/.../
Jack was reading Cerberus info on her when she heard a loud thud of boots on the stairs.
"If you got Jack in a cup go rise it up!" Jester sang and along with Shepard came down.
"What the fuck you want?!" Jack knew what visit of two drunk grunts meant usually.
"Hold on, don't get all worked up. Just need your help and a little favor" Jester still was smiling. Jack's eyes narrowed, she didn't like what those two were playing.
"I need to borrow your tattoo gun you just swiped from Horizon" Max said bluntly seeing that Jack is getting the wrong idea here.
"Fuck you, I don't have one and I'm not sharing" She blurted realizing how stupid it sounded. Shepard chuckled while Max came closer to her. "Aw come on, my bro is getting tattoo re done, by me. You can stand and watch. Or should I spill little secret of yours about your down time?" Max added with a wink. Jack frozed. How he-? No he must've been talking about little drugs she had stashed here.
"I wonder what's going on extranet forums now..." Jester's voice shattered any hopes. He knew... "Just give me the damn gun for a second and add some light, I have no business with your free time" Max got annoyed. He sat Shepard on a crate and got another one for himself. Jack pulled a little box from under the cot muttering curses and got all devices set up.
"Alright, first..." Jester snapped a picture of his arm to had a reference. Jack flipped a little lamp she had there. "Thank you" She got in return and made her scowl.
"Alright, get me some solid black, no theatrics here" Jester took gun and flask with ink and started stinging ink into skin he cleaned moments before. Shepard only tensed a bit but hadn't moved.
"That sucks, why you tattoo something like this?" Jack asked seeing flat black silhouette.
"Cause it's not a show off but memoir. We got it when He was leaving to enlist. A shepherd dog for our name and a melee that described us"
"So he's a hammer and you're a dagger?" Jack pursed her lips with dissaproval, although she saw every possible kind of tacky ink on inmates.
"Yup, I'm swift an' sexy while he's a bloke running buildings and girls to the ground" Jester chuckled and had to stop inking while Shepard started shaking with laughter.
"Pffft you guys are fucked up." Jack smirked. She started to like this bunch of lunatics, and it bothered her, she shouldn't like anybody.
"Yeah that's why you're still alive and here, welcome to Shepard's asylum 'Normandy' " Shepard said with a grin. At the same time Jester made a motion like measuring something with hands "You have to be this fucked up and crazy to ride"
Okay, now she was laughing her ass off. These guys were keeping Cerberus tight and had balls to talk shit with her. She dropped those plans of breaking out from here on first shore leave.
"Aaand done, you're marked again. Mom would be proud" Jester chuckled and put some medi-gel on the wound.
"Go fuck yourself Max" Shepard snickered. "But thanks for this man. And thanks for loan Jack" He got up and left while Max was cleaning up all tools before returning to Jack.
"Don't sweat about this little poetry thing. I won't say it anymore. But when Logan finds about those drugs, you're in deep" Jester said and left too. Jack scowled hiding ink gun. Maybe she get rid of it. She stopped popping pills since onboard . No troubles with sleep here anyway.