The Key to Salvation

Chapter Thirteen

The silence lasted for a very long time. Aramis felt his anxiety increase with each beat of his heart. Porthos' opinion of him mattered too much for him to feel comfortable. Would his friend spurn him once the truth was told?

"Did you know she was married?"

"No."

"What about her pregnancy?"

"Not until the Baron told me."

"You believe him?"

"He has no reason to lie." It was something Aramis had considered. Could the Baron be lying to cause him pain, but he had rejected the notion. Having seen the man he could only believe in his sincerity.

"Where did you meet her?"

"I would prefer to tell the story once. Can this wait until the morning?" Aramis couldn't tell what Porthos was thinking. The questions had been asked dispassionately and in the dark he couldn't see his friend's expression.

"You're a father?"

"Tomorrow, Porthos." He was too tired to deal with either the sympathy or the abhorrence.

"If that's what you want."

Now he could hear disappointment and it was painful but he didn't have the strength to deal with it. "It is." He turned on his side and closed his eyes. He could hear Porthos moving around in bed, no doubt unsettled and dissatisfied with the half-story he had been given. Sleep was a long time in coming.

Aramis was the last to waken the next morning. The others were eating breakfast when he roused from a nightmare plagued sleep. He lay quietly for a while enjoying the feeling of safety and security. His face and body still ached and he inadvertently drew his friends' attention to him when he moved awkwardly and groaned.

"You're awake," Athos said. "Are you hungry? We have porridge and bread and cheese."

Aramis levered himself upright. "Some porridge will be sufficient." When he would have risen Athos gestured to him to stay where he was.

"You're not leaving that bed today. You need food and rest."

He accepted the bowl of porridge and got comfortable. "We should return to Provins."

"We need to talk about that. Porthos told us what you said last night."

He felt his stomach fall and his fragile appetite deserted him. "I was going to tell you."

"Eat first." Athos looked at him sternly.

He dipped his spoon into the porridge and choked down a mouthful.

"More than that."

Porthos sounded short tempered and he wondered how much sleep his friend had got after his revelations the night before. He ate some more even though the food tasted bland and unappetizing and his stomach churned unpleasantly. Eventually he couldn't bring himself to eat any more and set the bowl aside. He felt horribly vulnerable under the patient gazes of his three friends and had to hold himself still to prevent himself from squirming like a schoolboy.

"Is it true you got the Baroness pregnant?" Athos asked.

"Yes."

"I think you should tell us the rest."

"I met her in Paris. She was one of the Queen's ladies in waiting."

"You never mentioned her," d'Artagnan said, a faint note of accusation in his voice.

"It isn't my habit to kiss and tell. It began shortly after Adele left." His voice faltered. He had believed Adele had chosen the Cardinal and had been hurt by what he saw as her betrayal. He had never dreamed that she had actually fallen victim to Richelieu's possessive jealousy. "We saw each other when we could and then, one day, she was gone and I never heard from her again."

"She returned to the Baron?" Athos asked.

"He said she tried to pass the child off as his."

"I assume he didn't believe her."

Aramis looked at d'Artagnan, wondering how the young man could sound so censorious when he was also entangled with a married woman.

"He cast her off."

"What about the child?" Porthos asked.

In his weakness he couldn't prevent tears from forming although he did stop them falling. He turned away, unable to look at them while he imparted his news. "Louisa gave birth to a daughter. All the Baron would tell me is that the baby died. She is buried in the village cemetery. That is why I have to go back. I want to visit my daughter's grave."

"Oh, Aramis."

There was no condemnation in d'Artagnan's voice this time. The young man just sounded shocked and saddened.

"I deserve no sympathy. I wasn't with her when she needed me."

"How can you feel guilt for something that wasn't your fault?" Athos walked over and sat on the side of the bed. His earnest gaze bored into Aramis.

"I was responsible for her conception."

"But not for her death. We will return to Provins to pay our respects and then we will make the Baron pay for what he did to you."

"It is too late for that, Athos. He will only deny his part and the King will never take my word over that of a nobleman."

"Don't be so sure. With Lemaire's testimony and ours the King will see the truth of the matter." Athos patted him on the shoulder, a tangible sign of his unwavering care.

"I appreciate the support, my friends, but my mind is made up. I have much to atone for. I will retire to a monastery and dedicate the rest of my life to God."

"Is that really what you want?" Porthos asked, looking stricken.

"It is what I need to do." Aramis shifted uncomfortably on the bed. He was following his head rather than his heart. Given the choice he would have stayed with the Musketeers but he genuinely didn't think Louis would believe his story. With the regiment closed to him he had few options. Rationally he knew there was nothing he could have done to help Louisa. She had chosen not to come to him when she was cast aside. He didn't even know if it would have made a difference to his daughter's chances for survival. But he was so tired and heartsick and he needed peace in order to re-evaluate his life. This wasn't the first child he had lost and it was no easier than it had been when he was sixteen. He felt guilty that he would be abandoning the Queen and Dauphin. He had promised to be there to guard the child with all his heart and strength. It had been an easy promise to make and one which he now realised he couldn't fulfill. To be in the presence of his son was tearing him apart. It was just another sin for which he would have to beg God's forgiveness. He closed his eyes. He was tired and his injuries pained him. "I think I would like to rest now."

"We will leave you in peace. We should send a message to Treville to let him know you are safe." Athos stood up and walked back to the table.

"I'm stayin' on guard," Porthos said. "I don't trust those Spanish not to come lookin' for him."

"D'Artagnan and I will find a messenger and see about hiring Aramis a horse for the journey home. Do you think you will be able to travel tomorrow?" Athos looked doubtfully at his friend who had almost wilted in the bed.

Aramis made an effort to appear stronger than he felt. "I believe so. My injuries are painful but not serious."

"That's settled then. We will head for Provins and then back to Paris. Treville can send a contingent of Musketeers to arrest the Baron and Lemaire. Rest now. D'Artagnan and I won't be long."

Aramis acknowledged Athos' words with a brief nod before lying down and turning his back to his friends. He waited until they had all left the room. Then, his tears started to fall.

Tbc