The Butterfly Effect Symposium

Hanging out with four geek geniuses had led to many freaky sights over the years, but none more so than the morning Penny stumbled out of bed and came face to face with herself.

For a moment her sleep-muddled senses assumed someone must have placed a big-ass mirror in the centre of her apartment, and her thoughts immediately flew to her whack-a-doodle, breaking-and-entering neighbour... until she remembered, with the usual pang of worry, that no-one had heard from him in weeks. Not since he took off on his solo trip.

Her second thought was that Amy might have snuck in another creepy, life-size portrait but, firstly, this person was clearly breathing and moving… and, secondly, they looked damn good.

The hair was a little shorter than Penny's, and a more golden shade of blonde, like she used to favour, and she wore a pair of super-cute floral shorts that Penny immediately found herself coveting… before she reminded herself she didn't really wear stuff like that anymore. But none of these things changed the fact this was a carbon copy of her, perfect in every detail. (Though she did make a mental note that she really ought to get her roots done, then promptly forgot again, as she had every time she'd thought that the last few months). By comparison, with her sleep-mussed hair and bloodshot eyes (she'd gone a little heavy on the wine last night), she felt kinda skeezy.

By this time, Penny realised she'd woken up enough to react:

"What the hell?"

"Hello, Penny." Her counterpart smiled. It was Penny's smile, Penny's voice – Penny's everything. Impossible, but true.

"You're… me?"

The girl nodded. "That's right."

"How is that even possible?"

The smile became tenderly amused. "Who do you know that's scary-smart enough to actually make one of his favourite movies come true?"

"Sheldon? His fav-? Wait: The Time Machine? Sheldon built a freaking time machine? Holy crap on a cracker..."

The other Penny grimaced. "Well, no, not quite – he gets really snotty if you call it a time machine. Apparently, it makes rosy Einstein bridges, or something… Basically, it makes wormholes you can control." She grimaced again. "Sort of. But he's working on that." She looked proud.

"Oh, my God… " Penny's hand stole to her forehead. "So… you're from the past?"

The other Penny shook her head. "No – I'm from the future."

"But…" Penny's eyes ran over her, re-registering glowing skin, bright eyes, erect posture. She looked closer and realised there were faint lines crinkling the edges of those eyes, but they were clear, light… sparkling. The overall effect was of someone much younger.

Other-Penny gave her a sad smile. "Happiness, sweetie. Happiness is the key to looking good. And you're not happy. Not at all."

"Yes, I am," Penny protested, immediately defensive.

"No, you're not. It's why you've stopped bothering with your hair. It's why you wear clothes you don't really like that much, and why you only ever really show skin to please someone else. You've stopped dressing for fun. And you've stopped dressing for yourself."

"Excuse me?" Penny planted her fists on her hips with a pissed-off expression. Just because she was talking to herself didn't mean she wouldn't go Junior Rodeo on her ass if necessary. "Who do you think you are?"

Other-Penny rolled her eyes. "Who do I think I am? Well, I'm you. We've just agreed that. So, if anyone's in a position to tell you stuff about yourself, it's me." She sighed. "Why do you do that? You're smarter than that, but you act like a dumb blonde. Ever ask yourself why? No? Then ask yourself this, when's the last time you really laughed? You're not happy, Penny. You're not happy with your life."

"Yes, I am!" Penny said again, narrowing her eyes. "Okay, so I'm not getting great acting jobs right now, but you can't have everything at once, and look – look!" She thrust her left hand forward, displaying the solitaire diamond Leonard had bought her. "I'm getting married! I'm a goddamn blushing bride-to-be! You don't get happier than that, bucko!" Her eyes darted to Other-Penny's hand in sudden stomach-swooping thought and experienced a jerk of emotion she decided was relief when she saw she still wore a ring. Wait, though – just the one ring? Shouldn't she be married by now..? And... that wasn't a diamond. It looked like an opal. Fiery, flecked with different colours… gorgeous. Wow. Penny smiled. Somewhere along the way Leonard had finally learnt her taste. She loved her engagement ring, of course, but it wasn't really her style. It smacked of suburbia and Volvos, and being like everybody else… Not that she'd told him that. He must have realised on his own. Or maybe one of the girls told him…

"Stop! Just stop!" Other-Penny's voice broke into her thoughts. "Remember who you're talking to: I've been you. So I know that's a bunch of crap. That feeling in your stomach right now? The tight feeling? That's cos you just clenched down hard to ward off thoughts you don't wanna face. You don't even realise it – but your whole body just locked."

Penny scoffed but then looked down at herself, felt the bar of tension that ran across her shoulders, down her spine, all the way through her centre. She made an effort to relax, realised how alien it felt. Huh. She still did her Pilates every day– why was she so tense? And how had she not realised it?

"See?" Other-Penny asked. "Look, I wanna do an acting exercise with you, okay?"

Penny's expression became slightly hopeful. "So… I'm still acting? I have a career?"

Other-Penny's face flickered for a moment but she shook her head slightly. "No spoilers! If there's one thing Sheldon drilled into me it's that I have to be really careful what I do and don't tell you. Otherwise, really important things might not happen. Like, save-the-world important." She widened her eyes at her.

"Sheldon saves the world?" Penny asked, with a soft smile. She wasn't surprised exactly – she'd always known and admired Sheldon's beautiful mind (though rarely said so since he was frequently such an ass about it). The guy she first met, there was no question in her mind he'd win a Nobel Prize some day, that he'd change the world. But these days… these days he seemed kind of lost. Smaller. More whiny child than crazy genius.

It made her happy to think he'd moved past that.

"Well, he does if everything goes the way it's supposed to," Other-Penny remarked, looking nervous. "But… Dammit! This time-travelling thing is hard!"

"Then…" Penny's brow wrinkled in puzzlement. "Why are you here? Shouldn't you be talking to Sheldon? Why come to me?"

Other-Penny shook her head again. "I'm here to help you relax. And the breathing exercise will help. You've gotta trust me on this – it's really important I get you to relax, okay?" Penny hesitated. "Come on," Other-Penny coaxed with an innocent look. "What's the harm it could do?"

"Alright." Penny closed her eyes.

"Great," Other-Penny chirped, happy once more. She was so… bouncy. Her body language, her words, even her tone. Penny felt a stab of sudden loss – she used to be like this. Where had all her energy gone? Pushing the thought away, she concentrated on Other-Penny's voice. "Take a deep breath. Now slowly let it out." Other-Penny's voice had become low and soothing. "Again… Good. Listen to the sound as you inhale and exhale." Penny obeyed and concentrated on the sound of her breathing. "In and out. In and out." Gradually she became aware her shoulders were beginning to lower, that her insides were starting to unclench. "Good," Other-Penny continued. "Okay… Now... open your eyes. What do you feel?"

Penny opened her mouth to say she felt the same, fine, happy even… and was horrified when a sob escaped. She swallowed the next one back, but it was immediately succeeded by another. Deep within, something was giving way, a barrier she hadn't even been aware of, and beneath it… beneath it was an aching chasm of grief.

And it swallowed her whole.

She didn't notice when she fell her to her knees. She barely registered the sound of her cries. All she could hear was the hitching sound of her own gasped breathing; all she could feel was the scalding heat of her tears as they streamed down her face, as she finally let herself cry. Finally let herself grieve all the things she'd once believed in, all the dreams she'd once had that she'd lost and pretended didn't matter. All the times she'd accepted that 'okay' was good enough, was all that she deserved.

All the times that she'd settled.

The pain was indescribable… but so was the relief. The relief of no longer managing her emotions for the sake of others. Of pretending. A pretence she had gotten so good at it, she'd stopped realising it was a pretence.

Somewhere along the way, Other-Penny had taken her in her arms and was rocking her backwards and forwards, humming gently.

Dimly, Penny recognised the tune of 'Soft Kitty'.

Gradually her wails dwindled, diminished, until she was hiccupping softly. There was something nice about being comforted by herself. A reminder of the times in her life when she'd been self-sufficient, strong; good at picking herself up again. A time when she didn't allow others to dictate how her life should be…

She raised her eyes to meet the match of her own, breath catching in realisation.

Other-Penny took her hands and pulled her to her feet.

"Are you happy, Penny?" she asked again, retaining her clasp on her hands.

Penny exhaled, long and deep. "No."

She nodded encouragingly. "And why is that?"

"Because… Because I've let other people make me into what they think I should be."

"And?"

"Because I've been lying to myself."

"About?"

"About what I want. About how I feel."

"And what do you feel?"

"Leonard… being with Leonard isn't enough for me. Having a life with him isn't enough for me."

"And why is that?"

Old beliefs, beliefs she once held dear fell from her lips with rising fervour. "Because a person has to be more than one half of someone else. They have to have their own thoughts and dreams and passions. Being in a relationship means compromising – but it shouldn't mean changing yourself. That's why I left Kurt – I'd started losing who I was. Changing myself to please him. And…" Her eyes rounded in horror as she stared at Other-Penny, who gazed back with tender sympathy.

"And?" she prompted.

Penny took a deep breath and paused. There was a sense, like the moment before you leap over an edge into water. An awareness that her very future hung in the balance, dependent on what she said next. She released the breath in a sudden rush of words:

"And that's what I've been doing with Leonard!"

Other-Penny clapped her hands together; a radiant smile broke over her face. "Yes," she confirmed.

Unprompted, the words continued to spill out. "We're not good for each other. He doesn't respect me… and I'm horrible to him. We don't challenge each other. At least not in a positive way. We don't even make each other laugh anymore. God… Oh, my God! I don't want to marry Leonard!"

"Praise Jesus!" Other-Penny cried, bouncing up and down.

The words distracted Penny for a moment – it didn't sound like something she'd say – but she was on a roll and continued.

"I've been drinking too much. Because it made it easier to ignore that I wasn't happy… I've been self-medicating… just like my mom does." The horror this time was ten-fold, quickly succeeded by determination.

A decision settled over her, iron-hard. She winced at the fallout, at the pain it would cause, but beneath the pain was a feeling of lightness, of a burden long-carried finally put down. Beneath the crashing of her heart... there was peace. "I have to break up with Leonard. He's better off without me. And I'm better off without him. We're better when we're not together."

She gazed into Other-Penny's eyes, panting with the force of her realisation, and became aware of a humming noise just on the cusp of hearing. At first she thought Other-Penny was singing again, but as the sound increased, she realised it was coming from just behind her.

The air there began to flicker, colours blurring, then, as if someone had set off an industrial strength vacuum cleaner, the air was sucked backwards, creating an elongated cone.

Penny's eyes widened in shock but Other-Penny seemed to take this as standard. She glanced once over her shoulder then turned back to Penny, still smiling.

"That's my ride."

"You're leaving already?" Penny asked forlornly, somehow sad. She knew Other-Penny couldn't stay, but there was something so reassuring about her presence. A rock-solid strength to her upbeat attitude. And besides, she already had, like, a dozen ideas of how she could punk her friends…

"I have to. I promised Sheldon I wouldn't be more than a few minutes. But you'll be okay, Penny. Stick to your guns, and I promise you'll be okay." Her serious look gave way to a far-away softness. "More than okay."

"So… no spoilers at all?" Penny's gaze hovered over the fire opal again. "No hints? Tips? Betting results? I mean, what if I don't do whatever it is I need to do? What if I mess things up?"

The lips curved in a smile. "Okay, one tip: just remember that life can surprise you. Remember to try new things. Even if they scare you or seem impossible. And remember that psychics can sometimes be right about events, but they're not above getting the people mixed up."

She pulled Penny into one last embrace, then stepped back. Into the cone. There was a split second where she seemed to fly backwards, receding into the distance, then the edges snapped closed, and Penny was alone again.

But for the first time in a long time, she wasn't afraid.

Though she still jumped when a new sound rang out, briefly wondering if another wormhole was opening, before identifiying it as the muted burr of her cellphone. After a few seconds of scrabbling around, she dug it out from where it had lodged behind a couch cushion and recognised the tune.

Star Trek.

Sheldon's self-assigned ringtone.

Sheldon!

Hurriedly pressing the button, she eagerly swept the phone to her ear.

"Sheldon! Where are you? Are you okay? I-" She hesitated, recalling she couldn't tell him anything about what had happened. Not if it might stop him from making that discovery in the first place. So, instead she took Other-Penny's advice and took a risk. Instead, she opened her mouth and said what she actually felt:

"Sheldon… I missed you."

fin

A/N This chapter was cathartic for me. Especially after the finale. I've felt for some time that Penny has lost so much of what made her Penny, of what made us love her in the first place. She really doesn't seem happy, regardless of what the writers intend. And something in the way Kaley plays her these days... she looks dead behind the eyes. (Oh! And it really bothers me that for basically the entire second half of this season, they didn't fix Penny's roots.) So, I needed this - I needed that release for her. And the promise of hope to come... Hope you enjoyed :)