Shepard stared at new vehicle he just recovered. The M-44 Hammerhead. A fast and agile hovercraft able of doing jumps and gliding cosiderable distances. Everything begun when some Cerberus asshat forwarded to Normandy a message that they've lost survey team and they were hoping that John would kindly search fro them and pick up data from their exploriation probes in few systems. Being idle and still awaiting Illusive Dick's intel on Reaper IFF, Shepard agreed to help.
Downside was that when he taken Tali, Garrus and Miranda with him, his patience was put to the test as all three were constantly complaining about John's driving skills. Even when they disembarked in shuttle bay, the rant continued.
"My god, Shepard was always so bad at this?" Miranda looked little pale, quite hard to achieve with her already milky complexion.
"This is nothing, comparing to Mako..." Garrus chuckled recalling illustrious days of joyride.
"He insisted on climbing over every mountain!" Tali added still slightly wobbly on her feet. "And only so he can jump from every possible cliff down!"
"Too bad nobody reported this...Maybe we could instill some skills during Lazarus" Miranda smirked. Showing emotions was new experience when it came to Cerberus Prodigy. Everybody, specially Miranda, was still surprised that since saving Oriana, Lawson developed a bit of humanity.
"Wait, you can instill skills in my head?" John yelled. "Why not teach me how to knit sweaters?!"
"Sweaters?" Tali asked being lost while Max laughed walking into shuttle bay.
"It's a human joke Tals. Very old one isn't it, John Spartan?." Jester grinned. And his brother supposedly despised watching vids from 1990-2020 era...
"You weird humans and your weird jokes..." Garrus chuckled.
"Says a guy who has a hundred jokes about plates and crests" Max deadpanned. Garrus roared in laugh and left.
"I'm gonna need some guide or encyclopedia of human terms and jokes..." Tali shooked her head.
"Make it two" Miranda added, shocking everybody again, and left too.
"So what's the new toy bro? Found yourself a new ride?" Jester asked while John barely supressed a groan.
"Yes it is. A hovercraft called Hammerhead. Pretty neat. And no, you can't take it for a joyride." John retorted hoping Max would ease off.
"Reeelaaax my brotheeer" Max spoke in tone of completely stoned jamaican rastaman. "You've never seen me drive before."
"I hope you're not as bad as John" Tali commented.
"And what's that supposed to mean?" Max glanced at his brother.
"That means that bosh'tet can't drive! I endured Mako, I won't step into any vehicle if John drives it!" Tali shouted worked up. She just recalled a particular incident where she had to clear inside of her helmet after some really rough ride.
"Tali, et tu brute?" John glanced at his girlfriend. "It wasn't that bad..."
"I have an idea..." Max flashed teeth.
"Oh hell no! You don't get to drive!" John realized what Max wanted to do. Over his dead body...
"EDI? Do us a favour and ask operatives whether they want to have Commander infamous with his skills driving or they are willling to give a go a driver certified in vehicular warfare" Max spoke in raised voice.
After 3 long minutes results of the poll came back.
"All operatives familiar with Commander's driving voted for Max, so as every other operative excluding Jack and Grunt. Jack replied in disinterested slurs while Grunt pledged his allegiance to his Battlemaster. By the vote of majority, Max would be a driver of the Hammerhead vehicle." EDI stated.
"Traitors and jackals..." John muttered. "Okay fine, who knows? Maybe you are better and I'm off the hook, or you are even worse and nobody will complain about me...You're on the next drop." Over his dead body huh? Well he's technically already a zombie...
Harlequinn only smiled.
"EDI? Plot another course..."
/.../
First test of Max's skills was an icy planet of Lattesh. Shepard decided to gather Kasumi and Jack. If Max could humiliate him in front of Tali, let's see how kid will perform with his little kleptomaniac and relentless ex-con around.
Max jumped into seat. "Ladies and morons my name is Maxwell Shepard and I'll be your pilot for today, please remember that we have a non-pissing policy in combat vehicle so hold on to your knickers and if you need a motion sickness bag that's too bad 'cause we have none" he cheerfully stated starting up all the systems while Normandy was closing to drop point.
Jack laughed while Kasumi giggled. Max started fiddling with Hammerheads internal systems and in a minute, first tones of rock started pouring through speakers in cockpit.
"Really brother?" John raised his eyebrow. How could he expected professionalism from a Fool...
"Driver picks the music, shotgun shuts it's cake hole" Max replied grinning.
Another wave of giggles and groan from Shepard.
"Let's roll!" Max turned up the volume and dived into the planets orbit.
Livin' easy
Lovin' free
Season ticket on a one way ride
Askin' nothin'
Leave me be
Takin' everythin' in my stride
They broke through the atmosphere and hit the surface, it had to be a fast ride with little stops to remotely collect intel from crashed probes or icy weather would freeze the engine of vehicle.
Don't need reason
Don't need rhyme
Ain't nothin' that I'd rather do
Goin' down
Party time
My friends are gonna be there too
At this he punched in the thrusters to reach another ledge. Kasumi yelped while John was holding tightly to his seat.
I'm on the highway to hell
On the highway to hell
Highway to hell
"I'm on the highway to hell!" Max sang along while rest of the team was both scared and entertained with crazy ride.
No stop signs
Speed limit
Nobody's gonna slow me down
Max engaged thrusters and reached vehicle's peak speed
Like a wheel
Gonna spin it
Nobody's gonna mess me around
"Hey, Satan!" Jester looked at aggravated John "Payin' my dues!"
Playin' in a rockin' band
"Hey, mamma! Look at me! I'm on the way to the promised land!" Jester winked at Kasumi.
The song went along and it took two more to collect all data but for John it felt like eternity.
"That was aaawesooome" Kasumi and Jack yelled in unison when Max landed in Normandy's bay. He even got a quick peck in the cheek from Kasumi.
"I see you ladies enjoyed the ride..." Max grinned the he heard a stifled groan. "Hey Logan! What's up brotha? Too rough?"
"Ugh...You gonna make me hate my favourite band..." John never hidden his support to now-ancient rock band AC/DC, he even managed to get a commemorative t-shirt with their logo, only piece of clothing he missed after loosing SR-1.
"Nex time I'll pick something else."
John wanted to say that he won't allow a next time but Kasumi already ran to mess hall to spin a tale of another exploit of her boyfriend.
"I'm too old for this shit..." John sighed and went to CIC to plot another course for Hammerhead trip.
/.../
Second trip begun little tense. Everybody wanted to go to see Max's epic driving. Fortunately Hammerhead wasn't big enough and Max stated he will sing. Loudly.
Miranda was first to back off muttering about reports along Garrus who ran to callibrate anything, even glass of water, only to be far from singing Max. Hammerhead got packed with Grunt,Thane,Tali, Zaeed and Kasumi along with Shepards. Jack stated that once is funny, twice is annoying and decided to train biotics in the meantime with Samara who also didn't liked Jester's chaos. Jack and Samara trained together extensively as being strongest biotics on the ship they were equals. Refined Justicar didn't even reacted whenever Jack was calling her 'blue grandma'. Despite incidents like that, Jack shown a lot of progress since destruction of Teltin facility. She got civilized enough to eat at mess hall and wear more clothes than usual.
"My magic eight-ball, called my brother, says that we're going into planet full of sulphurics pools and rust. Yummy! Today's main attraction will contain a lot of jumping so hold on to whoever is softest, unfortunately this cruise does not involve air bags since Miranda bailed on us" Max announced like pilot before a fancy cruise.
Burst of laughter went through the cramped space. " Everybody strapped in? Then let's get this party started!"
They were already closing in fast to the surface when VI detected Geth scattered along the path. Max only laughed and turned up the volume...
Get your motor runnin'
Head out on the highway
Lookin' for adventure
And whatever comes our way
Hammerhead was running straight into Geth.
Yeah Darlin' go make it happen
Take the world in a love embrace
Fire all of your guns at once
Max was able to operate gun controls and drive, blasting Geth troops from the way while dodging incoming missiles.
And explode into space
I like smoke and lightning
Hammerhead hovered momentarily over synthethics turned into scrap collecting data from nearby probe.
Heavy metal thunder
Racin' with the wind
Thrusters howled after Max punched in the boosters
And the feelin' that I'm under
Yeah Darlin' go make it happen
Take the world in a love embrace
Shepard realized that Tali is clinging to him, he smiled unwillingly.
Fire all of your guns at once
Another salvo of rockets flew into geth armature deployed near one of the downed probes
And explode into space
Like a true nature's child
We were born, born to be wild
We can climb so high
I never wanna die
Born to be wild
"Born to be wild!" at the ending of the song, whole team was screaming along with Max. Except Shepard. He felt extremely awkward with a bunch of eclectic killers that now acted like teenagers on a joyride, cheerfully singing and blasting geth into pieces. Beside that, he didn't knew the lyrics for this one...
/.../
After turning the Hammerhead into little karaoke club with Sweet Home Alabama playing on the ride back to the Normandy, Max easily docked into the shuttle bay.
"I hope you enjoyed flight with 'Air-Max' Airlines, we thank you for your attendance and not puking inside the vehicle" Max stated and powered the vehicle down while opening doors.
"Max, I'm flying exclusively with you from now on" Tali laughed at what Kasumi giggled nodding that she concurs.
"Okay okay stop inflating his ego..." John tried to be angry.
"Don't be so jealous!" Kasumi swatted him in the arm. "Hey Tals! Give Shep some hugs, he's grumpy." she whispered the last sentence to quarian mechanic.
Whole crew laughed and left after few words of appraisal about Max's entertaining skills.
"Ugh...I have one comedian flying my ship, and another flying my land vehicle..." John complained but stopped when he felt Tali's hand discreetly squeezing his. Just one little thing and everything wrong just flew away. Damn this girl works magic...
/.../
"I've heard that Max is quite skillful in driving Hammerhead" Miranda spoke to John when he sat in the mess hall. For some time, occasionally, Miranda ate in the mess, not in her office. Another sign of melting down ice cap over her soul.
"Don't get me started..." Shepard learned that everybody knew about Max being terrific and John sucked at driving.
"Yeah but Hammerhead is easy, VI-supported. I failed my training on Mako gracefully by crashing it into mountain" Max spoke walking into mess hall and grabbing two plates from Gardner. "So say what you want fellas but Mako is a bull that needs a heavy hand, a few has it in them to climb and not fall using M-35" Jester smiled.
"Since when you are defending Commander?" Miranda asked surprised at this solidarity.
"Since we spoke our first words. It's called family. But right here are facts. Hammerhead is suited for me, Mako is for blokes like Logan." Max grinned and walked out with food to Kasumi's quarters.
"These two are gonna be the death of me one day..." John smirked and then smiled wide seeing Tali approaching. Predictably, Miranda vanished from John's surrounding once Tali sat down next to Commander. John mused that XO poorly took rejection, specially in favor of Tali, but at least she's civil. No other choice since she owes Commander well being of her sister...
"I'm gonna have to think of some solution to let you safely take off that mask..." John spoke aloud unknowingly
"You do? What for?" Tali teased happy that John turned his attention to her.
"So we can have dinner together..." John responded and then caught up that he was actually talking "I mean...I want to...to..." he felt his face going red.
"Awww John..." Tali purred. The thought that he wanted to do so trivial things with her...This was the best she could imagine. "You know there was some research about temporary boosting out immune systems..."
"Really? Anything helpful?" John jerked up being all ears.
"I-I don't know...I can look into it" Tali trailed off realising that she should have think about it earlier. Much earlier.
"Then, when you'll feel like it...Do it, miss vas Normandy" Shepard used her name slapped at Tali on the trial do diminish her services. Now she carried it with pride to spite Admirals.
"I will...my Captain" She got up and left slightly bouncing. She had a bit to bounce, maybe that's why Miranda was specially avoiding Tali.
"I see you are enamoured with quarian hind quarters" Kasumi chirped moving next to Shepard, carrying empty trays. John felt he slightly blushes so he cleared throat loudly.
"Um, what's up Kasumi? Finished makeout session with Max?" John tried to tease.
"Perhaps it was on the menu but Thane commed him for a friendly spar in the bay. Everybody already there, wanna watch?" Kasumi giggled.
/.../
Shuttle bay was cleaned and in a makeshift ring of mattes and encircled by operatives and some crew there were Thane and Max, preparing for a spar.
Kasumi and Shepard walked up. Johnn heard loud inhale from little thief and Kelly when both contestans taken off their shirts and removed their boots.
"50 Creds on handsome infiltrator!" Kasumi yelled, quickly almost everybody started betting. Most of crew and few operatives betted on Thane as he was trained super assassin while Kelly and Kasumi were cheering for Max.
Bets were made, tension rose and both warriors closed in, Garrus walked up.
"Alright this is a full contact fight to knockout or submission! No groin shots, biting or eye gouging!" Max and Thane bumped bandaged fists and took two steps back. Garrus punched into Grunt's armor earning a clang substituting for bell ring. "Fight!"
Both Thane and Max started encircling each other, slowly, slightly swaying their bodies. Max twiched and Thane quickly jabbed only to be slapped in elbow with open hand. Max spun around and tried a backhand punch only to be blocked by Thane's elbow and counter to the ribs. Max taken the shot and spun around again this time using other hand with the same motion. He caught Thane off guard and connected with his cheek. For next few minutes they've exchanged blows and swift kicks. Crowd was cheering both and gasped whenever any of them striked faster they could notice. Finally at some point Max threw Thane off balance with a swipe kick and land a series of blows at drell's chest. Krios stumbled back and Max grabbed Krios's head in a lock then simply dropped onto the matte, pinning assassin. Krios didn't struggled, and quickly tapped. Crowd roared and beaming Kasumi quickly collected payout. Jester helped Thane to stand up.
"That was impressive skills Max. I am very impressed."
"If not for your disease I would be out cold long ago. Dim mak is still the good stuff though" Max gave him a pat. "I hope you're okay Thane?"
"Yes, right now I'm still fine, only not so fast as I used to."
"Quick alright, you nailed me pretty good."
"Any one else wants to throw a gauntlet to our little champion?" Garrus asked amused. He discreetly bet on Max and now he'll be able to buy a new scope for sniper rifle...
"What? Oh come on..." Max looked at the crowd but he knew they wanted more.
"I nominate out fearless Commander to clash with his brother" Miranda spoke with evil stare.
"No way, I ain't fighting Logan." Max waved his hand. "We would be out of action for a month. You made him a damn frankenstein so he'll regenarate tommorow, while I'll be retiring from living"
"Scared of little blood, Max?" Garrus asked. He wanted to see this too.
"Tell you what Dirty Garry" Max glanced at turian. "You go with Logan for a few shots like I did with Thane. We'll see if you'll be so eager after this." Garrus immediately lost some of his cheer. Shepard was able to headbutt krogans now. Better not risk another face surgery.
"I'm willing to give it a go. You're on brother?" John walked up to Max. "No headbutts and rest as before."
"Bring it on... " Max shrugged seeing there is no escape.
John taken of his shirt and kicked of boots earning another giggle from Kelly and Kasumi along with whistle from Jack.
"Slay it" John spoke to Max.
Brothers raised their guard and begun encircling. They stood very differently. John stood like brawling marine while Max kept changing his position swaying his body.
John tried a few jabs regarding what he saw during fight with Thane, Max quickly dodged the hits and managed to elbow John in the stomach. Capitalizing opening, Jester landed a straight punch to the face and jumped back.
John hit Max in the stomach and added a knee that Max blocked.
Jester attacked with series of punches hitting John's whole torso, To Commander it was like pack of angry hornets. These jabs stung like hell.
Another uppercut from John, another block from younger Shepard.
Brothers stepped back from each other. John's torso was reddened with few bruises while Max was slightly swelling on his cheek.
John ran up to grab Max in clinch.
Jester quickly countered with knee to leaned face and stopped his brother.
John felt little dazed when an uppercut hit him in the chin.
Max hit with another high knee that John barely dodged.
John connected another elbow to Max's face to which he responded with a punch to the ribs.
Max was like in a trans, landing blows faster than Thane. John waited for the right moment between series of attacks and heel kicked Max. Jester flew on the matte but managed to get up. John tried to land another blow on the stomach but Max grabbed his arm and swung leg above it hitting Commander to the side of his head.
John could've sworn he just saw stars of whole Milky Way but he made last ditch effort and reached Max with vicious right hook. Max flew on the matte. That was a textbook KO.
"The winner and still undisputed ass kicker...Commander Shepard!" Garrus roared.
"And here I thought you were above childish fights" Doctor Chakwas walked into the bay. "Which one of you careless jarheads decided to have a throwdown without a doctor at hand?"
"It's okay doc, we made rules so you wouldn't be so angry." Max straighten up with help of Kasumi. "So...That was good. You pack more punch than a krogan so I feel no shame" He spat some blood from busted lip. "And I will get my revenge on a an instigator" he glanced at Miranda. She only snorted and left.
"I call it a damn good fight Max" John gave a one armed hug to his brother.
"Sweaty man-candies having a bromance moment...Yikes!" Kasumi giggled along with Tali.
"If anybody lost money because of that...well you should know better" John chuckled.
"Yeah, never bet against a Shepard. Neither one." Max piped in laughing.
"If you stopped being childish, follow me to the Med Bay" Chakwas motioned at beaten up brothers, both had swelled cheeks, bruises and headache it in the morning...
"Don't forget my share of creds kawaii" Max said to Kasumi before leaving. "Surprise me" he winked and left little grinning thief.
/.../
Chakwas scolded them both with epicness so far achieved only by their real mother. After slapping medi-gel on their wounds and verbally kicking their asses she threw them out of her bay.
"Dayum...We really hit the rough spot with old doc..." Max shooked his head, he had minor rib fractures and a lot of bruises. He'll be sore for a few days.
"Yeah...I should butter her up a bit with something-" John stopped, recalling something. He got much worse beating but thanks to his cybernetics he'll be right as rain tommorow morning.
"What you have in mind?" Max recognised sudden moment of clarity in John's expression.
"A gift I was supposed to deliever long time ago...Better late than never." John ran to his cabin for a replacement bottle of Serrice Ice Brandy that Chakwas was missing from her 'private reserves'.
"Tactful as fuck..." Jester commented and went looking for Kasumi. Maybe he'll get something special from her. He was still shirtless so maybe she'll break down...
/.../
John carefully opened doors to the Med Bay. Chakwas was busy reviewing some medical data. Shepard cleared his throat to announce his arrival. Karin turned around in her chair like some evil mastermind. Give her a cat and she can take over the world...
"Commander?"
"I brought something to smooth things over." John extended hand with a bottle to doctor. "I've been meaning to bring to you some time ago but..."
"Serrice Ice Brandy?" Karin recognise the label "Commander...I-I always regretted not opening the old bottle when I had the chance. How about we'll crack it open right now?"
"Find some glasses, I'll get it open" John shrugged smiling. Why not?
/.../
"I could really get some big payout if you would knock Shep out you know?" Kasumi purred to Max. They were resting on her couch and Kasumi cheerfuly massaged Jester's arms and neck sitting behind him.
"Yeah, but with those upgrades he hits like a hammer...And Thane already cracked my rib a bit."
"Oh well... Maybe I should space you so you could get some upgrades too?" Kasumi teased.
"And here I thought you were satisfied with your Jester's performance so far..." Max shot back chuckling.
"I'm not complaining..." Kasumi leaned forward and kissed Max. "But I'm an opportunist you know? At least in some matters."
"Then I'll better keep up, so no male equivalent of Miranda would snag my opportunistic thief huh?" Max grinned.
"I steal things, not being stolen," She rested chin on his arm and looked at him, "And you do keep it up, I like it" She smiled. "On second thought, I take it back. You've stolen me."
"Only your heart...and gave mine in return so I call it mutually beneficial" Jester chuckled.
"It's a start before I'll get some other parts of you later...when I'll feel like it." Hooded thief gave a grin matching Jester's.
"Such a tease...And I love it." Max smiled twisting quickly and pulling Kasumi into his lap.
"And you're so patient with me too" Kasumi touched his bruised face. "I'm little surprised. Positively."
"I'll just butter you up until you drag me somwhere and do naughty things to me" Max laughed and pulled his japanese girlfriend into deep kiss.
/.../
"I thought Alenko's biotic display broke Jenkins back in half but he gets up and screams 'this was awesome!' " Karin recalled a situation from SR-1. "Ahhh Jenkins...youngsters ike him always made Alliance so colorful...Cerberus lacks such innocence" she finished sentimentally.
John smiled, seeing collected doctor now happy and slightly dunk like a young girl really warmed him inside. Everybody has a soft side that needs letting out from time to time...
"I'm still quite surprised doc. You have great service record. You could work anywhere you want. Why got mixed up with Cerberus?"
"I was thinking sometimes about opening private practice or some clinic...but I can't live without starships. I've spend here my life. Planet life is too static"
"I've always wondered why you understood my romantic notions so good Doctor" John chuckled.
"I saw Skyllian Blitz, reclamation of Shanxi...I lived a full life. I have no regrets. And as Cerberus goes...I work for you Commander. And you only." Chakwas smiled. "You know I just realized you've never called me by my first name" she laughed.
"Neither have you" John replied.
"And I never will. You are The Commander Shepard. Your rank is your first name to many. I've also heard from Kasumi that you don't like it much."
"It may be true...but you can always use my second one, like Max does."
"As you wish...Logan" Karin smiled and raised her glass. "A toast"
"To friends who always stay by our side...Karin" John raised his glass too and took a sip.
/.../
Max cradled Kasumi in his arms. She sprawled on him like a cat.
"I've been thinking about what to do with that Shepard VI..." Kasumi started.
"Give it to Tali, let her tug his holo when she can't him. And maybe she'll appreciate even more his lousy stunts after she'll hear how he could be sounding like" Max chuckled regarding idiotic lines that VI spoke. 'Have any pets? You look like a varren person' was his favourite.
"I'll fix it up a bit and make a gift. Let her know it's from Shep. She'll get another heart attack from happiness. It's so sweet to look at her then."
"If I'd want some sweet view I would spend time with you...oh wait" Max laughed while Kasumi poked him in forehead.
"Baka!"
"I'm sorry watashi no koichii 'Sumi" Jester grinned.
"Okay, where in the hell you learned japanese?"
"Years ago been hanging around with some girl that I met by accident. She was huge buff on old Earth history, paticularly all exotic countries before unification. She was obsessed with asian culture. She spoke in languages and everything."
"How was she?"
"Annoying, self-centered, self-rightous. She dumped me after some time, station was big so I never met her after that." Jester lost his cheer for a moment. "But whatever good she had to give, I kept, and finally it came in handy" he snickered and kissed Kasumi.
"Aww" Kasumi purred and smiled. "Well, others loss, my gain."
/.../
John stumbled out of med bay. He helped Chakwas to lay down on medical bed, that brandy had a kick, despite implants even he felt wasted now. Asari booze is good stuff...He'll gonna have to make a bulk order.
"Huh, wonder when it'll wear off" John muttered and swayed towards his cabin trying not to imagine he's on a sea ship and supress any 'yarr' he felt appropriate to say.