This one was emotionally tough to write, just warning you. Thank you so much for the kind reviews, they are a form of literary feast.
"He can really make the kids come see him?" asked Stef incredulously.
"His parental rights haven't been terminated. He has the right to see his children. Especially since he is not in prison for harming them or any other child," said Lena as she sat on the couch.
"No, just of causing the death of their mother," fumed Stef, standing up and beginning to pace. "Can you imagine having the kids visit one of us if we were in prison? I would never be able to do that to them."
"I can't imagine the kids not wanting to see us," said Lena quietly. "If they were separated from us…for years…my heart hurts at the thought."
Stef sat down again and sighed, rubbing her forehead, "this is going to be hard for them hon, especially Callie. She's old enough to know what it means. She's old enough too-too recognize the implications."
"I know," said Lena as she leaned against Stef. "I think Jude will as well. He's young but he's a complicated little guy. A lot is going on in his head. He doesn't say anything until he's thought everything through. I worry about what that does to him, trying to process things that a child shouldn't have to. Not alone anyway."
"Yeah." Stef stared off into space a moment, "I'll take them," she decided. "I want to do it. I have Saturday off. I want to see him."
"What are you going to say to him?" asked Lena. "Stef," she warned as she felt her lover's shoulder's move in a half-shrug, "you aren't going to try and convince him not to see the kids, are you? Because that's not your decision to make." She sat up to look at her partner seriously.
"I won't," Stef said. "I just-I just want to see him," she frowned, unable or unwilling to explain herself further. She pursed her lips, "it's going to be a six hour trip there, then another six hours back. That's probably way too much for them in one day, right? Maybe we can leave after school on Friday and get a hotel for the night. Then we can come home after the visit."
Lena rubbed her lover's back absently, "that's not going to be a really great trip for any of you."
"I know," Stef said. "We're going to have to figure out something. If we have to pay for a hotel, all the gas…visiting the prison is going to get really expensive. I wonder if we could get a voucher from Child Services?"
"You're not going to be able to take them that often," Lena pointed out, "there's no way. Your schedule is too unpredictable."
"I know," said Stef, "I just-I want to be there for the first time. I think that ones going to be the hardest. That's what the people I have talked to say about it anyway. At least if I'm there, maybe the COs will give all of us a little break."
"Okay," sighed Lena, settling herself back against Stef, "I really didn't want to go there anyway. I can take the kids out for ice cream or something after Brandon's competition on Saturday."
"Oh shit," groaned Stef, "shoot," she amended when she felt her lover elbow her ribs. "I forgot about that. You think he's going to be upset?"
"It's just the semi-finals," Lena said confidently, "He'll be in the finals. You can see him then."
"I can't believe our schedule now," said Stef.
"No more making fun of my charts and calendars," Lena said, pointing a finger at her, "they keep a big family like ours running smoothly."
"Five kids," Stef shook her head. "People looked at us like we were crazy when we had three." Suddenly she began chuckling.
"What?"
"Well you know how most of those books on big families are written by hetero families that are religious? We should write a book of our own. We could call it, The Dyke's Guide to Raising a Large Family in the Suburbs."
"You know I don't like that word," said Lena, fighting the smile that was playing on her lips.
Stef grinned as she leaned back into the couch, bringing Lena with her, kissing her forehead as she chuckled. "Did you ever think, when you were growing up, that we'd become such…such yuppies?" she asked.
"We're not," said Lena, sounding mock offended.
"We buy organic peanut butter sweetheart, the ship has sailed."
"Buying organic is just common sense," said Lena loftily. "We don't need to add a bunch of toxins to our bodies or to our children's bodies."
"We're yuppies," said Stef, "embrace it."
Lena cuddled closer to her, "we may be yuppies," she finally admitted, "but at least we're lesbian yuppies."
They lay on the couch, intermittently giggling. Finally Stef sighed a little. "How are we going to tell the kids? All the kids?"
"As honestly and as gently as we can," said Lena.
Stef kissed the side of her head as they stared in front of them, thinking of what was to come.
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"We really get to see our dad? This weekend?" Callie's voice was filled with tremulous hope.
"Barring any…emergencies," said Stef carefully, hoping Donald wouldn't blow it by getting in trouble with one of the COsor that there would be, G-d forbid, a riot. That would definitely prevent visitors.
Jude looked delighted, his little heels drumming on the kitchen chair, "can I bring him my spelling test? I got 100% on it. And maybe I could bring my math fact test? I've 'membered more than when we last saw him since I've been practicing so much! He's gonna be really, really surprised."
"Sure honey, you can bring both of those," said Lena.
"Can I bring him my pictures?" asked Callie. "I want to show him the ones I've been drawing for my history project."
"Yeah, look kids, I want to tell you a little bit of what it's going to be like," said Stef, looking at Lena. "So it won't seem so strange."
"What do you mean?" asked Callie.
"Well," said Stef, folding her hands and placing them on the table, "since your dad is in prison there's a lot of rules we have to follow."
She saw Callie wince at the word prison and abjectly wished that there was an easier way to do this. "Your dad is going to look a little different. He has to wear a uniform-"
"Like army guys?" asked Jude, perking up a little.
"Not exactly," said Stef. "All the people that live there have to wear a uniform and-"
"Why?" interrupted the little boy.
Stef sent a look over to Lena. If they were already stuck at the uniform part, this was going to be an incredibly long conversation.
"Like Stef said," Lena cut in easily, "there are rules there, just like we have rules at our school. Why do we have rules at school Jude?" She placed her hand over his hand.
"To keep us safe," he said, happy he knew the correct answer.
"That's right. And that's what all the rules at Lompoc are for," said Lena, neatly deflecting the issue of calling the prison a prison by referring to the city in which it resided.
"Okay," said Jude.
Callie was giving them a suspicious look.
Stef went on, "when we get there the corrections officers are going to search our pockets to make sure we aren't bringing things in."
"Like our pictures?" asked Jude worriedly.
"No, the pictures are fine."
Callie opened her mouth to say something, then closed it.
"We might have to wait awhile in the waiting room, so I want you to bring your busy bags so you have something to do. We'll check them before you go so we can make sure you have everything you need. We'll bring fsnacks too, in case you get hungry."
"Are we going to be there a long time?" asked Callie, beginning to nibble at her thumbnail.
"Well, once we get there, like I said we might have to wait awhile until its our turn," said Stef. "And you guys are going to have to be on your best, best behavior. You can't be running around, yelling, or anything like that. If you misbehave, we have to leave right away."
"I'll be good," volunteered Jude quickly. "I promise."
Despite the situation, Stef's lips twitched a little. This was not the Jacob child she was really worrying about right now. She raised an eyebrow at Callie.
"I'll be good too," the little girl muttered.
"We both know that," said Lena, "it's just especially important when you're…in a new place," she finished a little lamely, instead of saying in a place where normal childish behavior would not be tolerated.
Stef hesitated, "and if there's some kind of…emergency, we might not be able to see him at all. If that happens we'll just have to try again next time, okay?"
"And it's okay if you feel upset about it, but it's not something any of us can control," Lena butted in quickly.
"There's a lot of rules," said Callie worriedly. "Does my dad know all the rules there?"
Jude looked at them curiously.
"Yes," said Stef, "there's a lot of rules at Lompoc and I'm sure that your dad has learned about them."
"I thought when you were a grown-up, you didn't have anymore rules," said Jude.
"Adults have rules, just like kids do," said Lena. "That's actually a part of Stef's job. She has to make sure that adults are following the grown-up rules."
"And my daddy's in trouble because he didn't follow the grown-up rules," said Jude wisely.
Callie glared at him, looking upset. She opened her mouth, then closed it again. Finally she simply crossed her arms over her chest.
"Yes," said Lena, giving Callie a sympathetic look.
"I'm going upstairs," announced Callie in a thin voice.
Lena gently grabbed her hand, "Callie, please stay here and talk to us. We can see you're upset, you don't need to run away."
"I want to go to my room," said Callie. She looked at Stef, "please," she said, trying to stay respectful.
Stef sighed, "you may go to your room, but we will talk about this later Callie." She made sure her voice sounded firm, not threatening.
Callie didn't bother answering, but she bounded upstairs to her bedroom. She threw herself on her bed as she stared at the ceiling. She was glad that Mariana was at Lexi's house. "Not true, not true, not true," she chanted to herself. "They're just lying. They're liars!"
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Jude was upset by his sister's abrupt departure. He looked at Lena and Stef worriedly, "Callie's sad," he told them.
Lena stood up, gathered him up in her arms, then carried him to the living room couch so he could be cuddled between them. "She has a lot of big feelings in her heart right now bub. She just is having a hard time talking about them."
Jude nodded worriedly. "She gets scared sometimes, but Mommy always said she was a tough kid. She always said that Callie was just like her."
"She is a very brave girl," said Lena, kissing his head, "and she tries to take good care of you. But we're here to help with that. To take care of both of you. You understand that, right?"
"Yes," said Jude. "You guys are really good at taking care of kids. Your house is a good house. I really like it here." He looked pensively out the window, then turned back to them, "if Daddy can't take us, please don't make us go away. I want to stay here, with you guys and Callie and Mariana and Brandon and Jesús. Please can I? Please?"
"It's okay, love," said Stef, stroking his hair back from his head, looking at Lena with distress. "Everything's going to be okay." She wondered how old her children would get before they'd stop buying that particular lie. She looked at Jude sadly, hoping that the little boy could still have enough innocence to believe for a while longer.
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Callie didn't share much about whatever it was that was bothering her, despite both Lena's and her own attempt to get the child to talk. So in addition to her worry about that, her upcoming concern over the meeting, the stress of the day, and the traffic, Stef didn't have it in her for light-hearted car games on the way to the prison. The Friday traffic sucked and she mouthed swear words expertly, completely silently, as yet another idiotic driver slammed on the brakes in front of her once he'd slid in the barely-there hole that she tried to maintain for safety purposes. She hit her car horn once and wished for her cop car with the extraordinarily loud siren and beautiful, flashing red and blue lights. She would probably make it to Lompoc in half the time. She was lost for mere seconds in this delightful daydream when a motorcycle came speeding down the center lane, clipping her side mirror as he went, "hey!" yelled Stef. "Hey you-," she held down the horn in lieu of the expletive she wished to unleash. Motherhood had given her many skills but the ability to swear soundlessly was probably her greatest achievement.
"There's a lot of cars," observed Jude from his booster seat in the back.
Callie just looked out the window.
"Yeah there is bud. I appreciate you and your sister being so good while I drive. I really need to concentrate," said Stef as she inched forward a little more.
"How are we going to do this every week?" Callie asked, "it's gonna take forever."
"Oh, um. Callie we can't see your dad every week. He's only allowed a number of visitor points each month and each visit takes away points."
"Points?" asked Callie, her voice sounding pained.
"It's just the way they do it so they don't have too many visitors at a time," said Stef. "Your dad really only has enough points for us to visit once…a…month," Stef finished quietly as she watched Callie's disappointment increase exponentially from her rear-view mirror. The car was silent for long minutes. "I'm sorry sweetheart," said Stef eventually.
Callie turned to face the window and said nothing.
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The whole process was as awful as Stef thought it would be. Both she and the children were patted down vigorously and more roughly than she approved of. The children's busy bags were searched with aggressive thoroughness. Jude began to sniffle when callous handling crumpled one of the papers he wanted to show his dad. Callie looked mutinous but Stef pressed her shoulder, hard, in warning. "Hey, sir...sir…"she said keeping her voice respectful to the 6'2 balding man wearing an expression of harried irascibility. "Can you please be gentle with those?" She looked at his badge, "Officer Lucca."
"I have a lot to do ma'am," he said, his voice slightly sarcastic.
Stef didn't move closer, respecting his personal space, but she lowered her voice. "I know what you mean, man. I'm on the job and every day it's a new hassle."
The man looked up, suspicion flashing in his eyes, "yeah?"
"SDP," said Stef, giving him a smile. "Fifteen years on the job."
"What's your deal?" he asked, jerking his head towards the gated doors.
Stef kept her voice friendly as she kept her hand on Callie's shoulder and put her other hand on Jude's head, "we're fostering these guys. Their dad's here and we've come for the first time."
The man's expression changed, softened slightly, "fostering, eh?"
"Yeah, along with our other three kids. It's a houseful alright." She deliberately kept Lena's gender ambiguous. She was making headway with this guy and she didn't want to ruin it if he was a homophobic asshole.
The man relaxed a little more. "I've got three of them. All girls. When they have their friends over I feel like I'm gonna lose my mind a little bit."
Stef grinned at him, her friendliest, I-know-how-you're-feeling smile, "tell me about it. It's like having a twenty-four hour circus in your house except ten times nosier."
Officer Lucca nodded, looked at the items in his hand, and smoothed the paper to repair some of the creases. He looked at Jude, "got a 100% on a spelling test, eh? Bet your daddy's gonna be real proud of you."
"Yes," said Jude in a small voice.
Stef winced, "yes sir," she said to him quietly. She had taught all her children, but especially her boys from a very young age that they were to address cops and anyone with that kind of authority as sir, ma'am, or officer. She knew the boys were more likely to have trouble from police officers, especially boys of color in the case of Jesús and she wasn't going to let it happen because they'd gotten angry or frustrated and mouthed off.
"Yes sir," Jude amended quickly.
The man's smile grew and he nodded with respect at Stef, "thank you," he said.
She nodded back.
Officer Lucca looked at Callie, his face softening a little more. All girls, he'd said. Stef closed her eyes and hoped Callie wouldn't say anything to irritate the man.
"How about you, little one? Do you have anything to show your daddy?"
"Yes sir," she said quietly. Her voice was soft but Stef could hear the anger behind it. She wouldn't look at the corrections officer.
"A little shy?" the man asked Stef.
Stef pasted on a fake smile and lied her ass off, "yeah, just a little." She kept her hand pressed to Callie shoulder. If it were one of her kids, they'd have known they were walking a thin line. She hoped Callie was getting the message.
"Well, I'm gonna see if I get you guys in with the first round," the man said laconically. "We'll try to give you as much time as you can, this being your first visit and all and being that you've come such a long ways."
"Thank you very much, sir," said Stef. "The children and I really appreciate it. We really do."
The man leaned closer to them and lowered his voice. "You all be careful around these other people, you understand? Most of them have bad blood. They're just visiting now, but I can tell, most of them will be back someday. Behind those bars," he said, jerking his thumb in their direction.
Jude's eyes widened.
"We'll make sure we're careful sir," said Stef, voice still pleasant.
Officer Lucca walked away and began talking to another CO in a low voice, nodding towards Stef and the children.
Jude tugged on Stef's shirt so she leaned down, "Stef, how can their blood be bad?" he asked, sounding scared.
"Officer Lucca was mistaken," she said calmly. "No one had bad blood. Sometimes people just make wrong choices."
Callie moved a little closer to Stef, almost but not quite holding onto her shirt as well. Stef moved them to an available bench; putting Jude on her lap when it became clear that was the only place he'd accept.
Callie looked around them, catching the eye of a boy who was her age, maybe a little older. "What're you looking at?" he said in a tough voice.
"Everything's fine, buddy," said Stef. "Everyone is here for the same reason."
He glared at her, "bitch."
His mother turned and pinched his arm, hard. "Shut up, Trevor. I'm sick of your mouth." She didn't look over at Stef or the kids. He glared at her too but scrunched down on the hard plastic seat, dragging out a battered Game-Boy.
"Callie, stop staring at them," Stef quietly instructed. "Get something out of your bag so you have something to do please."
Callie nodded obediently, still stung by the boy's anger. She looked around and saw another boy looking at her, his eyes dark with sadness. She looked down at her bag and pulled out a drawing pad. There was a lot of noise here, and it was constant. It made it hard to think.
"I don't like it here," said Jude, putting his face into Stef's neck.
"It's okay, love," she said, stroking the back of his head and neck. She remembered vividly when her children were little enough to do this on a regular basis. Now they only did it when they were needy, sick, or tired.
Callie tried to ignore everything else and drew. Maybe she could leave a picture with her dad. If his…cell, the word came uncomfortably to her, was as bare and depressing as this room, he'd probably like something to cheer it up. It didn't really have to look like anything; it just needed to be colorful. Bright.
Stef rocked Jude until it seemed like he'd fallen into a half doze. He'd been restless the night before, she had head him turning and tossing in the bed he shared with Callie. "You okay, love?" she asked Callie.
"I'm fine," she fibbed, still concentrating on her drawing. "When will we get to see my dad, Stef?"
"Soon I hope," Stef said fervently.
It was another hour and a half before Jacob, Donald, prison number 78634 could have his visitors.
They walked into the main visiting room. "Daddy!" yelled Jude in excitement, waving to a man on the other side of the room. Stef wasn't sure how Jude had managed to pick him out, but the man in question gave a barely perceptible wave.
Stef held his hand firmly, "no running," she reminded him.
"You may only touch the inmate at the beginning and end of each visiting session," droned the CO to the crowd of expectant visitors.
"We can't hug him?" Callie asked Stef.
"That rule's only for the adults, honey," said Stef. "You can hug your dad and even sit on his lap and everything." She had read the rules very closely before coming and had even brought a copy in case they ran into problems.
"You may not pass contraband items to the inmate," the CO continued. "No yelling or lewd behavior."
"What's lewd mean?" asked Jude, looking up at Stef.
"Nothing you have to worry about," Stef informed him.
Finally they were released to go to the table where Donald waited. Stef sized him up as they got nearer. He wasn't a big man, neither fat nor muscular. His hair was cropped short. He looked a little dazed, like he couldn't believe where he was. When he saw the children, he smiled but it was weak. He stood near the plain chrome table. "Callie, Jude, I'm so glad to see you."
Jude immediately fast-walked over to hug him. Donald held him close and then picked him up. He looked around worriedly as if concerned he were going to get yelled at for doing so.
Callie hung back, practically hiding behind Stef.
"Callie, sweetheart? Will you-can I have a hug?" Donald's voice and body posture were pleading.
Callie inched over to him. "You look different," she mumbled.
"I-I know baby. Sorry. This isn't my usual jeans and dumb t-shirts is it?"
Callie smiled a little at the obviously familial joke. She shook her head, "nuh-uh." She walked slightly closer, put both her arms around him, and nuzzled the front of his uniform.
Since he had Jude in his arms, he had to settle for only one arm around her. He kissed her head, kissed Jude's cheek, then kissed her head again. He looked at Stef, "thanks for bringing them."
His voice held an tone of abject humility that made her pity him. "Of course. They really wanted to see you." She held out a hand, "Stef Foster."
"Oh- I-" he maneuvered Jude to one arm so he could shake her hand, letting go of Callie for a brief moment. "Donald Jacob. Sorry," he amended. "I-I should have thought of that."
"No problem," said Stef as the man's gaze flitted to the side nervously. He put his arm back around Callie's shoulders.
"Uh, their-their social worker told me you and your partner are-are fostering them," Donald said, keeping his arms around his children.
"We are," said Stef, gesturing at the table and giving him a head tilt to ask whether they should sit down.
Donald nodded in agreement, maybe one time too many. They sat with the children crowding near their father.
"Her name's Lena Daddy," Jude piped up. "She's really nice. So's Stef. They have a nice house and they have three other kids. Brandon, Mariana, and Jesús. I share a room with Brandon now. Callie shared with Mariana. Lena's the vice-principal of our school. We all go there. It's really cool, 'cause it's right by the ocean."
Donald looked a little overwhelmed by all the information, "wow, that's great kiddo." He looked at Stef, "you guys have three other kids? And you took mine? How…why?"
"The social worker, Bill, is an old family friend. He helped us with Jesús and Mariana's adoption. He thought of us when…when Jude and Callie were having trouble in the group home." She hesitated, wincing when she saw the worry cross his face.
"What problems in the group home? Nobody told me. I knew Alan and Cindy had an issue when-" he stopped and looked at Callie.
The little girl's head dropped in shame and her voice trembled when she spoke, "I'm sorry Daddy. I'm really sorry. I just got mad. I didn't mean too. I didn't mean too!" She burst into tears.
Stef ached to hold the child, but she held herself back.
Donald looked surprised for a minute, then moved Jude to one knee so he could pull Callie onto his other one. "Oh baby, I know you were just upset, that's…it's okay honey. I'm not mad at you."
He patted her back somewhat awkwardly, but the affection was clear. Callie nuzzled into him, mumbling something into his shirt. "I know honey," he said. "I know." He kept patting her back until the sobs died down, which were much longer than the crime warranted.
Stef suspected she was releasing some of the grief from her mother's death, something she avidly supported.
"I'm sorry," Callie muttered again, when she had gotten herself under control.
"I know," said Donald. He looked at Stef a little helplessly, "but you're being a good girl now, right?"
Callie looked at Stef before she answered.
Stef smiled and nodded. Callie nodded more hesitantly. "Yes she is," Stef assured both him and the little girl.
"Mostly," said Jude artlessly. "She gets in trouble sometimes."
Stricken, Callie immediately protested, "no I don't! That's a lie Jude!"
Offended at the insult, Jude shot back, "uh-huh. Last week you had to go to your room 'cause you and Brandon tried the soda and Mentos trick in the kitchen."
Callie's mouth worked, looking for a suitable response. "You had a time-out because you got cranky before dinner."
Jude' pouted at this particular reminder.
"The kids have behaved well," Stef intervened before there were more tears. "They've had small issues but certainly no more than my own kids. Especially considering the…situation." She tried to be kind in her wording. No longer did she want to berate this man. She was still angry at him but he seem so bewildered and dazed, and so glad to see his family, she couldn't find it in her heart to begrudge him the small bit of happiness he was finding with his children.
"That's good," Donald looked relieved. "They're good kids. They're really good kids."
Stef nodded, refraining from telling him she knew that. She could tell he wanted to talk about them.
"Callie's always been such a help to her mom. Such a good girl. Smart. Always so smart. She does real well in school. And Jude's our little man. Sweet. Everyone who meets him says he's the sweetest boy. When I came home from work he could always tell if I had a good day or a bad day."
Stef didn't miss the desperation in his voice. He wanted her to love them, she realized. Love them and care about them. "I know," she said gently. She looked directly at him. "They are wonderful kids."
He took a deep breath, breathing out in a shaky exhalation. "That's good," he almost whispered to himself, "that's good."
The children watched this interplay with solemn eyes. He squeezed them tightly. "So, tell me about school? What are you guys doing? Playing? What's your room like?" He plied them with questions until both children tried to overlap one another with their answers. Callie giggled once and awhile even though for the most part of the visit she sported a thoughtful look. Jude wore a broad smile during the entire visit.
Officer Lucca came by once and while, offering a respectful nod to Stef as he passed by. She nodded in return. It felt like mere minutes passed when there was a call of, "any volunteers to leave? Any volunteers?" A few people left, mostly older ones who already looked tired. A while later there was another call, "those visitors that have travelled less than thirty miles need to leave." More got up as others came in. The ebb and flow of conversation raised and lowered in an endless, unceasing drone. Donald looked at Stef. He knew his time would soon be up. He held the children a little tighter. They had moved around the table in various configurations during their extended conversation but now, as if they too sensed it was near the end, they cuddled close to their father.
Finally Officer Lucca approached the group. He tapped Stef's shoulder. "I'm afraid I'm going to have you all to leave," he said, voice slightly apologetic. "We gave you some extra time but we have a lot of visitors to cycle through today."
Stef nodded, "I understand. Thank you so much for the extra time. The kids and I really appreciated it." She took a deep breath, looking at Donald over the children's heads. "Okay kids. Time to say good-bye to Daddy."
Callie immediately teared up. Donald looked upset at her tears and began clumsily stroking her hair again. "It's okay sweetheart. We'll see each other again, remember? And I can call you on the phone. Every other day, and I will. I promise."
"Unless there's an emergency," Stef cut in, warning him with her eyes. She didn't want him to make promises he couldn't keep. That wouldn't be good for any of them.
"Unless there's an emergency," he agreed, head bobbing as he stood. Callie stood too.
"Can we talk tonight Daddy?" asked Jude, clinging to him.
"Not tonight kiddo," said Donald. "I better-I need to save my minutes so we can talk on Monday, okay?"
Jude looked at the ground, disappointed.
Callie was looking worriedly at the guards, who were waiting with blank looks on their faces. She looked back at her dad, her feet moving indecisively as they tried to make her leave. "Dad. Dad, I wanted to ask you something. Something private but...there's been so many people." She took a deep breath.
"What is it honey?"
She looked furtively at Stef. The woman tried to move a little further away, to give them some privacy but she couldn't go too far without intruding on another table.
Callie moved closer to her father and her voice dropped, "Daddy I have to ask you something important."
Donald sat again, drawing her close, "what is it?"
She put her lips as close as she could to his ear, "Daddy, they said you hurt Mommy but you didn't did you? You didn't hurt Mommy 'cause you would never hurt Mommy. You guys hardly even fight. They're lying right Daddy? They're lying?" Donald drew away from her slowly, his face registering anguish over the question.
Seeing that, Stef quickly grabbed Jude's hand and began hustling him a little further away. "Let's give your dad and sister some privacy," she told him quickly. "Show me how you did on the word search you did earlier and then you'll have good-bye time with your dad when Callie's done."
Donald couldn't even register his thanks for Stef's quick thinking. He raised a trembling hand and stroked his daughter's cheek. Her eyes were Colleen's. They were all Colleen. "Sweetheart…baby it was an accident. I didn't mean to, I swear to G-d I didn't meant to."
Callie pulled her face back slowly, her eyes widening in horror, "You did it? You really did it?"
"No baby, it was an accident. Like when you ran over Jude's foot with your bike last summer."
Callie's eyes were shining with tears, "I ran over Jude's foot because I was riding too close to him even after Mommy said stop. Mommy said it was an accident but one that wouldn't have happened if listened. You-you…what did you do bad?"
Donald's eyes were shining with tears, "I wasn't careful," he whispered. "I didn't think about what I was doing before I got in the car. It was a bad, bad mistake and I'm so, so sorry."
The tears spilled over Callie's cheeks, "you hurt Mommy," she whimpered. "You k-killed my mommy."
Donald's tears spilled over as well. "I didn't mean to," he whispered again. "I never meant to hurt her, I loved her."
Callie's shoulders began shaking and when he tried to put her arms around him, she flung them away, beginning to sob openly. Stef put Jude down quickly, "go hug your daddy," she whispered in his ears, hoping they weren't making the kind of commotion that would get them thrown out. Jude ran over to Donald as Stef strode over to Callie and picked her up. Callie struggled wildly for a moment then put her face in Stef's neck and wept. Stef made comforting noises as she stroked the girl's hair. Donald looked at her, his penitent hurt flooding his face as he hugged Jude closely and kissed his head.
Callie refused to say good-bye to her dad. "She'll want to talk," Stef assured him, still holding the girl. "Maybe not right now but she'll want to talk."
He nodded and pressed his lips to the back of Callie's head. Stef pulled the kids out of the visitor's room before they could watch him being lined up with the other prisoners, preparing for another endless inspection before he was released back to his cell block. Stef could feel him watching his children, watching them leave; shutting away his hope, his life, and the dreams he had broken with his tragic mistake.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Stef walked into the sunshine, still carrying Callie and wishing she could carry Jude, who was whimpering, at the same time. She blinked rapidly, looking around, frustrated that she had to wait for a shuttle to take them to where her car was parked. Her eyes tracked the crowd of visitors. There was a woman patting the back of an infant who was wailing loudly. A teenage boy kicked pebbles viciously in the yard. A boy a little older than Jude was crying quietly as he clutched tightly to a grimy teddy bear. The rest of the crowd waiting for the bus seemed to wear varying expressions of weariness, sorrow, indifference, irritation, and a kind of cool composure. Stef sighed and finally leaned against the building and slid down it until she was sitting. She cradled Callie in her lap and pulled Jude to sit beside her.
She murmured quietly to them, no real words, just comforting noises, soothing them with her love. Callie, who'd also had a restless sleep the night before and trying to escape her grief, fell asleep.
By the time they rode the shuttle and got to the car, Stef was weary to death. She put the kids in the car and within thirty minutes, both children were fast asleep. They stopped for a late lunch/early dinner a couple of hours later. Both Callie and Jude picked at their food until Stef told them they weren't leaving the restaurant until they'd eaten at least a quarter of their food. She knew all to well what happened later to children that didn't eat. Stef found herself turning the radio to the classical radio station, missing her lover and children so intensely that she was almost embarrassed by the feeling. Yesterday. She had seen them yesterday, but it felt like years had passed, like they'd been in another land. Stef tried to talk to the children sporadically, and they her, but Callie remained quiet and Jude seemed exhausted. All of them were glad when they got home.
"Mommy!" shouted Mariana gleefully, running to her as Stef opened driver's side door.
"Hey there Miss Thing," said Stef, burrowing her face in Mariana's sweet-smelling hair. "Where are your brothers and your beautiful Mama?"
"They're coming," said Mariana, pushing her face against her mom's stomach. "I saw your car first."
Stef tried to move to start unpacking the car, but Mariana clung to her, giggling. In mere seconds, her sons had joined her, grabbing their mom in a three way hug while they wrestled to squeeze her the tightest.
Lena gave her a smile as she hugged Callie and Jude and grabbed the suitcase out of the back. When she felt her lover's warm hand of her back, Stef realized she was trembling a little and clinging to her children. She did not want to let them go.
She and Lena cuddled their children that night, holding them, playing with them, loving them freely and a bit wildly. They tucked Jude and Callie in especially closely, staying with them until they fell asleep. Lena whispered a song to Callie, one of love and strength and courage. Stef told Jude about a magical land full of light and wonder.
Later that night, Stef let the warm water from the shower fall over her. She had turned the lights off, finding their illumination too harsh. She was deaf to the noise of the shower, blind to anything in front of her, until she felt warm arms wrap around her and full breasts press against her back. Lena held her tightly and Stef felt her trembling finally cease.