Author's notes: Is it still Tuesday? Aw yes! This keeps up, we might have a regularly updated thing going on here. And also, there is art for the human!cat chapters, yay! Sadly, Most of the picture doesn't show here, but the full-size thing will soon be visible elsewhere. Because costumes are fun. :)
Also, some things are explained. I'm taking advantage that the human can talk and is at times in a chatty mood. Though more often it's a snarky one.
Warnings: in case we need any. I'm pretty sure all of you already know the whole Loki's-trying-to-kill-his-pet thing.
xxxvi.
"Good morning, Loki!" a loud and cheery voice booted Loki into consciousness whilst a pair of hands slammed by either side of his neck. Loki's eyes snapped open and he stared up in alarm at the grinning face of the human. "How's the only miniature Jotun of Asgard this morning?"
Loki kept staring up at the human, mentally telling his heart to slow itself to something at least twice its normal rate. "What. In heaven's name."
"Oh Come on, Trickster, there's nothing to be terrified of," the human said to him, tsking. "You've got a big day ahead! A human cat to kill, guests to intimidate, and most important of all, breakfast to be had."
"You're… unexpectedly chipper this morning," Loki noted.
"I know, it's peculiar," the human remarked. "Comes with being human, I suppose. Now, up to your funny big feet, or you'll miss breakfast."
"I always miss breakfast," Loki muttered sourly. "I don't like being around people in the morning."
"Well, you will be this morning," the human declared. "Rise, Loki, and get your dressing gown. It's only breakfast, you know, and you can diva yourself up later." The human promptly started dragging Loki out of bed.
Loki protested and fought it off. "Alright, fine! I'll come down to breakfast!"
"Good!" The human threw Loki's dressing gown at his face and dashed off. Loki got out of bed and slipped on the robe, shaking his head at the ridiculousness of it all. Whether he chuckled, he would never say.
"Brother, how good of you to join us!" Thor boomed happily, causing Loki to wince. Like everyone else in the smaller banquet hall, his brother was clad only in nightclothes covered by a dressing gown. Jane and Darcy clearly hadn't thought to bring their own, for Darcy was wearing one of Frigga's and Jane was essentially buried inside of Thor's spare.
Loki frowned at his jovial sibling. "Well, since the human truly jolted me awake, I figured I may as well come down," he said surlily.
"Oh, come off it, Grinch, you're up by this time anyway," the human said dismissively. For some reason it and Darcy struck fists and Loki had the feeling "Grinch" had a secret meaning. Some sort of camaraderie had formed between Darcy the human last night and Loki feared nothing good would come of it.
"Join us, Loki, sit down," Fandral invited. "As always, there's plenty."
Naturally the only available seat was between Hogun and Volstagg. At least Sif was on the other side of Hogun. Unfortunately the human was right across from him, just like the night before.
"So," the human asked, "when do we get started with those nuclear devices?"
Jane choked, Thor turned green, and Fandral spat his orange juice across the table. The human wiped the fruit spittle of its face while Loki sat stiffly frozen in indignation, specks of orange across his complexion.
"This is why I don't come down for breakfast," he told the human.
The human halfway crawled across the table and used a clean hanky to dab the orange juice off Loki's face while Fandral profusely apologized to everyone. "Relax, Loki, they're just not used to our mealtime conversation."
"By Father's spear, Loki, is this what you've been talking about all this time?" Thor exclaimed, looking ill.
"Oh, this isn't the half of it," Loki told him.
"Today is a good day thus far," the human added.
Loki glanced at it sideways. "That depends on whose side of the fence you're on."
"I'm so glad I didn't bring my children to visit today," Volstagg said.
"I wish I hadn't brought myself," Fandral groaned.
"Well, I think it's entertaining," Darcy said. "Which reminds me, you wanted to know what the Internet was…" She pulled something up from underneath the table and set it in front of her and the human, opening it. "And if I can get a signal… wow." Her eyebrows bounced. "You guys have crazy-good WiFi out here."
"Must be all the magic in the air," the human mused.
Darcy looked over at it. "Why would you say that?"
The human looked back. "Why wouldn't I?"
Darcy shrugged and returned to her laptop, beginning the human's introduction to the Internet. Loki figured now would be a good time to leave.
xxxvii.
"So how was the Internet?" Loki asked the human as it came in some hours later. He had in fact been about to go down and physically drag the human away, but now that wouldn't be necessary.
"Scarring and fantastic and insane and I regret absolutely nothing," the human replied.
"Good for you," Loki said. "Now, onto that nuclear device."
"Guess it's a good thing I changed out of my evening dress before I talked to you," the human remarked.
'"Yes indeed."
"Laufeyson?"
"What?"
"Why is there a crossbow in your coat?"
Loki looked over at it. "You'll find out."
xxxviii.
"So, what's the name of this poison again?" the human inquired.
"Iocane," Loki replied.
"It doesn't have a smell," the human observed.
"No smell, no taste, dissolves instantly in liquid and a single sip is enough to kill a mortal." Loki paused. "Of course, anything is enough to kill a mortal."
"Can it kill an Asgardian?" The human appeared curious.
"If taken in gross amounts." Loki replied. He upended a small sack and dumped it into a wine goblet. The human watched the contents cascade forth, then raised its brows at the Asgardian.
"Why do I get the feeling you're giving me enough to kill a legion?" it asked.
"Two legions, actually," Loki answered, shaking out the last of the dust.
"I just drink it?"
"Every last drop."
The human stirred a finger in the goblet with a dubious expression. "It looks more like porridge than wine, now."
"You can always add more."
"Iocane?"
"Wine, idiot."
"Of course." The human wrapped its fingers around the stem of the decanter and carefully poured, tongue curling around its lip as it focused. While it had gotten the basics of human motor systems fairly quickly, there were some things it still took care on out of principle. When the goblet was topped off, the human picked it up and threw it back, making a disgusted face and shuddering. "Eugh, humans have too many taste buds."
They waited a moment.
"Anything?" Loki asked.
The human paused, then shook its head. "Nope."
"Rats." Loki picked up a pen and etched a few lines into his ever-present notebook. "Another to the list."
"Well, you never know, you might find it later," the human consoled him.
Loki pouted at it. "You're just saying that to make me feel better."
"Well, yes, but I mistakenly thought you might appreciate it." It lifted the decanter. "Wine?"
"Don't mind if I do." Loki picked up a goblet and then paused, looking at the other one. "Which of these did I put the iocane in again?"
"Perhaps both?" the human suggested. "If that's the case, then I suppose I'll be forced to drink all the wine by myself…"
Loki snatched the decanter from the human's hands and sassily drank right out of it.
xxxix.
"So, cat," Darcy said as she and the human carried boxes of acquired material into Loki and the human's rooms, "how'd you end up with someone like Loki anyway?"
"Well," the human stood aside as Darcy kicked the door shut, "things really started before I showed up here at the palace. You know, when Loki went all villain and then tried to jump off the Bifrost and Thor caught him. Sometime after that Loki decided he wanted a, a minion. So he convinced Thor to go out and get him a cat."
Darcy snorted in amusement. "Idiot."
"My sentiments exactly, but hey, I get free food and as a bonus I'm an extreme irritant to the God of Chaos. Anyway, Thor took me here, I bonded with Loki, we forged an instant hate/aggravate relationship and he's been trying to kill me ever since. But that's okay, since Odin'll die before I will."
"How come you stay?" Darcy asked, opening one of the boxes and contemplating which item to take out first. "I mean, Loki's gotta treat you like crap, so why do you hang around?"
"Well, I did mention free meals and perks," the human pointed out. "And Thor and I have this sort of unspoken agreement: I keep Loki busy, chasing his own tail as it were, and everyone else can go about their daily lives without worrying that a vexed God of Chaos is going to kill them. In the meantime said God of Chaos takes out his anger issues on me."
"Sounds like a miserable job," Darcy remarked. She crumpled up the piece of wrapping in her hand and looked over at the human. "And it doesn't sound like Thor at all."
"I did say it was unspoken," the human pointed out. When Darcy gave it a piercing look, it shrugged and continued, "I'm a cat, Darcy. Regardless of subspecies quirks, cats have a way of understanding what isn't said. Body language, Darcy. It tells us a lot."
"So that's why you stay?" Darcy wondered. "To protect others?"
"Eh, mostly because it's fun to watch Loki," the human admitted. "He's almost as entertaining as that Internet of yours."
"You've got to get me photos sometime."
"Oh, I'm pretty sure I can do better than that." The cat frowned at the thing in its hold. "How does one get these to unfurl properly? I've tried several times and it only comes out tattered."
"There's an art to it," Darcy said. She leaned over and demonstrated. "I suppose it helps if one doesn't have pointed nails."
"Yes, yes I suppose it does."
"You said you bonded with Loki," Darcy noted as she began to drape things over the furniture and decorations, indicating for the human to do the same. "What exactly does that mean?"
"My particular subspecies of cat communicates primarily through telepathy," the human explained. "It's why we're not as vocal as other cat species. But we can only speak with one outsider in this manner."
"And you chose Loki?" Darcy asked, surprised. "Why?"
The human shrugged, grandly tossing off the last bit of its roll and picking up another, carefully stepping over Darcy's already set lines. Darcy picked up another for herself and went over to a different part of the chamber.
"I just realized I don't know your name," she said. "What is it, anyway?"
"Loki hasn't given me a name yet," the human replied, trailing its way into Loki's room. "He probably never will."
"You mean you don't have a name?" Darcy exclaimed in shock, starting to follow after the human. "The jerk!"
The human laughed, echoing from the open doorway. "Of course I have a name! Every cat has a name, Darcy. It's just not for you to know."
"Then, can I give you a name?"
"It wouldn't have any true standing," the human told her. "Only you'd be allowed to call me it, and it would be more of a… a pet name." Darcy saw it smile as she came in, amused by its chosen phrasing.
Darcy shrugged with her hands. "Hey, I'm fine with a nickname," she said. "You should have something that goes with you, like Danny." She smiled at some hidden joke. "Yeah, Danny."
"I don't see how that 'goes with me,'" the human said, throwing its roll to Darcy while she threw hers to it, standing on opposite sides of Loki's bed.
"Well, there's this guy in a high school named Danny, super nice dude and totally awesome besides. You remind me of him, in an obscure cat way."
"I see." Again, the human and Darcy switched rolls. "If you like this Danny so much, why do you not pursue a relationship with him?"
"Couldn't work. He's fictional."
"Ah." The human nodded sagely. "I can see how that would throw a wrench in the works."
"So, is that okay?" Darcy asked. "Danny?"
The human took a moment and considered, turning a new roll in its hands. It nodded once. "Yes," it decided, "you may call me Danny. But just you, Darcy."
"Sure. But I will tell you, Jane will want to give you a nickname too, and it'll probably be something weird to do with astronomy and space and stuff."
"I think I can live with that," the human said dryly, layering Loki's pillows. "Just so long as she doesn't call me Green. That would be well and truly a stupid name to go about with."
Loki had to admit, the Midgardian invention of day planners was quite useful. Especially when one was trying to squeeze so many murder experiments into a single day. Of course, it would be even more useful if the one you were trying to kill didn't continuously disappear off to conspire with Thor's Midgardian guests.
"Cat, be you—" Loki called as he came into his chambers. He stopped, frozen in horror as he stared. "—present," he finished in a small voice.
The human smirked from where it sat in Loki's couch, the one place in the entire room that wasn't covered with material which, in Loki's understanding, belonged in no place other than the bathroom.
"What—what—" Loki stuttered, not even able to muster up rage because he was too shocked.
The human's smirk grew wider. "The human Darcy introduced me to the Midgardian tradition of TPing," it explained to Loki. "I found the concept rather amusing, and she was happy to give me a lesson." It gestured grandly. "I think I did quite well for a beginner, don't you?"
"You're not supposed to fight back!" Loki wailed in despair.
"Fight back? Loki, this isn't fighting back, this is playing." The human paused. "Though, in a trickster's world, maybe that's the same thing."
"You, young kit, are going to help clean this up," Loki said in his most commanding voice.
The human stuck its tongue out at him. "Says whom?"
xxxx.
"Ugh, things are so much less complicated and it's easy to talk to outsiders and they expect you to and it's annoying," the human complained as it plowed face-first into the grass beside Jane. "Also, Loki made me spend my afternoon picking up toilet paper, but that's nowhere near as bad."
Jane looked over at the human curiously, a smile curving her lips. "Why is it that once Thor steps away, you're here?" she asked.
"Perhaps he's asked me to protect you," the human said.
"Perhaps you're scared of him," Jane teased with a grin.
The human rolled its face out of the grass and looked up at Jane with tilted eyebrows. "Scared of Thor?" it repeated in bemused tones. "Why in Frigga's name would I be scared of Thor? He's no more threat to me than a domesticate puppy."
Jane couldn't help her laugh. She shook her head and said, "You are such a cat."
"Gee, you really think so?"
Jane laughed again. The human smiled. They drifted into silence and watched the passing clouds, Jane thinking of the universe and its secrets, and the human thinking of how it never saw a cloud with whiskers. Never. Not on any world. The human gazed down thoughtfully at the grass cropping up between its fingers, tugging loosely at the blades.
"Do you ever get used to it?" it asked suddenly. "The colors, the tastes. The lack of smell. And the height and bipedal legs! Is it something one can ever grow accustomed to?"
"Do you not see color?" Jane queried.
"Yes, I do, just not in the same way. But Jane," it pressed, blue eyes intent, "do you ever get used to these strange, strange bodies of yours?"
"Well…" Jane paused, thinking about it. "Not really, I guess. I don't really think about it so much. But sometimes, yeah, it surprises me. And I'm, how did you say it? Not used to it."
"So the answer is no."
"Nah," Jane shook her head and smiled over at the human. "The answer is sometimes."
The human chuckled, parted lips showing hints of teeth. "Just my kind of answer." It looked away, gathering words, then looked back at Jane. "An unforeseen advantage of being turned human, this. Communication is the key to many a great civilization. I suppose I might miss this ability called speech when I turn myself again."
"Think you will?"
"Loki's bound to grow tired of my telling stories about him eventually," the human pointed out. "He doesn't much appreciate now that all of Asgard knows he talks in his sleep."
Jane giggled. "Does he really talk about apples?"
"Incessantly." The human grinned, eyes twinkling. It looked up. Apparently telling time by the sky worked here just as well as it did on Earth. "I must go," the human informed Jane. "Darcy and her scheming wisdom await me."
Jane shook her head with a laugh. "You two really enjoy each other, don't you?"
"What can I say?" The human grinned. "She'd make a great cat."
It zipped off. Thor was back less than a moment later.
xxxxi.
"I think I shall play 'personage', for… I believe it tells me twenty-one points?"
"I hate you," Darcy said, promptly snatching back the offered phone. She shook her head. "I never, ever should have introduced you to Words With Friends."
"Maybe you just shouldn't have introduced me to you," the human remarked.
Darcy's eyes narrowed, glaring into her phone's screen as she perused her options. "Hmm…"
"Ah, there you are!"
The human looked over its shoulder and soon the rest of its body followed. Fandral and Volstagg, looking smaller the group for lacking Hogun, stood before it.
"We were looking for you," Volstagg explained, smiling broadly.
"Yes, my lad," Fandral said, slinging an arm around the human's shoulders and dragging it off. "We are going to teach you the ways of men!"
"I have a feeling I'm going to regret this," the human muttered. "My responding word shall be delayed, Darcy!"
"It's fine, I have some books to check out in the library anyways," Darcy replied. "Loki heard I majored in political science, so he recommended some."
"Quick, Volstagg, find a corner where we won't be heard!" Fandral whispered urgently to Volstagg.
"Right!" Volstagg zipped off—at least, as much as a man of his girth could zip off.
The human shook its head, somewhat impaired by the arm hanging around it. Ridiculous. Whatever was coming just had to be ridiculous.