Drunk Texting Eren is back with a vengeance! Also here's some fluff because we could all do with some fluff.

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Eren should have remembered that Sasha's definition of what a bar was differed greatly from most people. What Sasha called a 'bar' could more accurately be described as "a club that also serves very good bar food –specifically hot wings." After spending so many weeks cooped up in the library or being ferried around Trost to talk about Grisha the change in atmosphere was almost overwhelming. It had taken him a little bit to adjust to the lighting and the high energy environment, but after a round of tequila shots (courtesy of Jean) he had loosened up enough to actually enjoy himself rather than wanting to curl up in a dark corner.

Marco had ended up not coming with them for obvious reasons and Mikasa decided without any convincing from Eren that he would be just fine going out since Sasha was going to be with him. He knew that she wouldn't admit it, but if she wanted to resume hero work in a week or two (Armin projected she would be healed enough to go out then) she needed to take it easy for now. She had even voluntarily put off starting her morning run for almost a week after Armin had cleared her for it with the caveat of "as long as you take it easy" so that she wouldn't run the risk of irritating her neck. Eren could say that he was honestly impressed by her self-restraint compared to previous times where she had been injured, though it had never been this seriously before. He supposed that some of it had to do with her wanting to stay at home to protect him given everything that had been going on recently, but also that she didn't want to not be in peak condition if something happened to him just because she was pushing herself too hard too soon.

Realizing that his thoughts were taking a too-serious turn for the evening, he pulled himself out of his own mind and rejoined the conversation going on at their table. Currently that conversation consisted of Sasha pointing out women who she thought Connie might be interested in. It was really only a conversation in the loosest terms given that it consisted mainly of Sasha not-so-discreetly pointing women out and saying things like "She's a brunette, you usually watch porn with brunettes yeah?" and Connie blushing and mumbling while Jean had gotten the hiccups from laughing so hard.

"You always make this so difficult! You know what you like, so go for it!" Connie clamped his hand over Sasha's mouth.

"Not so loud!" Sasha pulled his hand off of her mouth and continued in a lower voice.

"You're the one who complains about being a virgin but you won't let me try and set you up with anyone. I know you don't do so well in the romance arena but you really need to put yourself out there. Look, there's a girl over there from my abnormal psych class. Her name's Sarah and she's really nice and I can introduce you to her."

"Isn't she the one who thought Africa was a country and not a continent?"

"Do you want to get laid or do you want a girlfriend?"

"I don't know… I just want to at least be able to talk to her and like her."

"Picking out someone based on personality compatibility isn't my strong suit…" Connie groaned and put his head in his hands before looking up at Jean.

"Do you have any advice?"

"I haven't dated anyone since my junior year of high school." Jean looked at him apologetically. "I'm uh… kind of not looking to date anyone right now? And I've been out of the dating game for a while so I don't know how much help I'd be."

"But you've been on dates in college."

"Dates that were more like excuses to get to the good part…" Connie groaned and turned to Eren.

"Dude, you have to have some suggestion."

"First, I like men and that's kind of a different ball game entirely." Jean snorted and mumbled something about balls and Eren punched his shoulder while Sasha burst into laughter. "Second, you know there's only one person I've ever slept with more than once and it was a total fluke that he was also a good guy."

"And if he weren't a chill dude?"

"I mean, if he were a racist or a sexist that wouldn't have flown with me, but he wasn't and I really didn't care. He was nice." Connie looked slightly queasy as he looked at Jean and Eren.

"So basically I'm totally on my own here."

"Sasha's dated people too!" Jean pointed at her accusatorily.

"Yeah! Also in high school and it sucked. I don't do relationships."

"Why does nobody in our friend circle like being in a relationship?!" Connie was practically yelling and the people at the table next to them gave them a weird look before turning back to their own conversation.

"You can always talk to Ymir and Krista."

"Eren that is probably the least helpful thing ever. Dude, can you even imagine trying to talk to Ymir about this shit?"

"So talk to Krista! Just don't ask her about car sex. Or get a ride in her car." Eren looked around the table and saw the weird looks they were all giving him. Shit. I said that out loud.

"I think you just broke Connie." Sasha was trying to suppress a grin. "Okay, I'm getting another round. Who wants what and who's paying for this one? Jean got the last one…"

"Tequila. Lots of tequila." The horrified expression on Connie's face had the other three cracking up again. "No seriously guys. I get a ride from them every Tuesday to go to the grocery store after class."

"Oh fuck. I'm so sorry I said anything about it."

Two hours later found Sasha and Connie trying to match each other drink for drink while they complained about their mutual professors and Eren and Jean had broken off and gone to the bar to get drinks that weren't tequila shots. While they waited Eren ended up getting a very detailed history lesson about Byzantine art that ended up turning into a lecture on an artist named Klimt or Clint – Eren couldn't figure it out over the noise at the bar. He nodded along to Jean's animated and one-sided discussion on the usage of metal and gold leaf on paintings. He felt a little bad about tuning Jean out, but the alcohol in his system was starting to take a toll on him and his mind was more than a little fuzzy. He noticed a tall, blond man seated on the other side of the bar from them and noticed that he was checking him out. Eren gave him a once over, trying to decide if it was worth going over once they got their drinks and Jean returned to where Connie and Sasha were seated. As he looked at him he had a sudden realization – he had massive eyebrows that were potentially even larger than Erwin's.

Eren turned away to get his drink as the bartender placed it on the counter. He and Jean stayed to drink a bit before heading back to reduce the probability of spilling it on themselves. As Jean paused in his lecture (Eren had no idea if he was still talking about Klimt or Clint or whoever) he realized that at that moment he needed to share his discovery with another person. There was really only one other person who he could think of who needed to know about Tall, Blond and Handsome's eyebrows.

[Eren:] theres a guy at this bar with eyebfows bigger than erwins

He didn't really expect a response and Eren decided to head back with Jean rather than go over to the stranger. Fifteen minutes later, he was almost done with his drink when he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He pulled it out and had he been sober he probably would have been completely horrified. He had not –as he thought he had – texted Hanji.

[Asshole McFuckface:] That's impossible.

Instead of horror he could only be amused by Levi's message insisting that no other set of eyebrows could rival the size of Erwin's. He looked back up to find that the man at the bar checking him out again.

[Eren:] Issend you a phto but the lightening is sit

He felt a sudden desire to attempt to make Levi jealous.

[Eren:] Hes been chcking me out all nightd

[Eren:] He's really cjge. Isd tap that. Thnik I will

He looked back up at the man at the bar and smiled. He hadn't gone out tonight intending to go home with someone, but that wasn't to say he couldn't be convinced otherwise if someone showed interest in him.

[Asshole McFuckface:] You are drunk enough that you are misspelling things badly. Don't be a fucking idiot, kid.

[Eren:] M fine

[Eren:] !

[Asshole McFuckface:] It's pretty fucking clear that you aren't.

[Eren:] Stop beng a kolljoy who axked youj anuway

[Asshole McFuckface:] You drunk texted me comparing someone's eyebrows to Erwin's and then told me that you want to fuck a stranger you met at a bar even though you can't even text coherently. I think that gives me the right to tell you that you shouldn't.

[Eren:] So what uo digtee with me going home with come sytrange ay a bar ?

Anger and frustration washed over him suddenly.

[Eren:] Uou think om a sult don;t you stop being fcking jidgmentl

[Asshole McFuckface:] What in the fuck? I'm telling you that you're too drunk to make an informed decision. You've got two different packs of lunatics looking to get a hold of you so think with your brain and not your dick. Jesus fucking Christ kid. Did your mom drop you on your head as a baby?

[Eren:] M moms ded . Asshoole mcfuxkface

[Asshole McFuckface:] Sorry.

[Asshole McFuckface:] Asshole McFuckface?

[Eren:] Yr name in mr phone

[Asshole McFuckface:] Lovely.

[Eren:] mybe if uou wernt sch an asshoole youd have a diffrenrt name

Ten minutes later, Levi still hadn't responded. He was still staring at his phone when Jean grabbed him by the arm and hauled him up telling him that Connie was waiting with a cab outside. They supported each other as they walked towards the exit slowly, trying not stumble.

"So why are you moping at your phone?"

"Made an ass of myself t'Levi." Eren was mumbling and Jean had to lean in to hear him.

"Why were you even texting him?" Jean spoke slowly, enunciating each syllable to avoid slurring.

"There was guy w'eyebrows."

"Riiiiiiiight. Okay. That is most people, Eren."

"Yeah but like… C'mmander Hands' eyebrows huge."

"You are making no sense right now."

"Stop talkin' like tha' you soun' like a robot."

"Well at least I sound less drunk than you do."

"Yeah bu' it's weird."

"So what did you text to Levi?"

"That I wan'd sleep with a guy. Told 'im he's Asshole McFuckface."

"What did he say?"

"Seriously, you soun' like a robot. Told me not t'think with my dick. Didn' respond to Asshole McFuckface though."

"Well when you wake up tomorrow and regret things you can text him back and apologize."

"Fuck no! He's the Asshole McFuckface!" Eren flailed an arm out and nearly hit someone as they walked through the doors, Jean pushed him towards the cab that Connie and Sasha were already in.

"Just get in the cab, Eren."

"Not gonna regret…"

The next morning Jean would be shocked that Eren slept through their drunken a capella rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody.