Author's notes: *lightning and thunder* IT'S ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE! I knew these thunderstorms would come in handy.
lxii.
"What rhymes with læti?" Loki wondered aloud. He was sprawled out on his belly on the floor, which in a fit of fancy he had turned black to contrast the golden everything of Asgard. Long fingers entwined around an equally black quill, which he was impatiently tapping against one of the papers strewn about him.
The cat gave Loki a slightly perturbed look. "Why are you writing poetry about feline flatulence?"
Loki dropped his head down, paying no heed to the ink sticking to his face. "Do you possess any understanding of just how awful boredom is?" he groaned.
"Considering I have you for entertainment, I really can't say. It doesn't seem that the palace staff has your problem, however." The cat peered out from the vantage point Loki had tossed it up to earlier. It looked rather more imperious than the prince had intended. "They've been getting pretty flustered over the past week."
"Yes, I had noticed that. A week, you say?" Loki lifted his head up from the floor and a piece of paper came up with him. He pulled it away, leaving untidy splotches of ink across his face. "A week can only mean one thing." A wickedly delighted expression appeared on his face. "We must have guests. Guests can be such fun. Come, cat, let us see who they are!"
He jumped to his feet and the cat leaped down from its perch. Thor stepped into the room and Loki immediately dropped back to the floor, focusing intently on the fart poetry he hadn't even been trying on. He was definitely going to incinerate this later. The cat somehow reversed its direction midair and returned to its perch, busying itself with cleaning its impeccable green fur.
"Oh, here you are, Loki." Thor seemed to be surprised to find Loki in his own quarters. "I thought you would have been investigating the cause for all this excitement by now."
"There was excitement? I hadn't noticed." Loki gave Thor a disinterested look as he stood up. The cat mimicked the expression, but to even better effect. It had something of an advantage, what with the lack of ink stuck on its face.
Thor didn't deflate, beaming with enthusiasm. "Well, brother, the cause of it is that we shall be having guests for the next week," the Thunderer explained. "The Avengers, friends of mine and mighty warriors of Midgard, shall be staying here with us in Asgard."
"Delightful," Loki muttered, his appearance entirely apathetic. Internally, however, he was grinning, glad for this long-overdue interruption to the cycle of boredom he had been stuck in. This promised to be an excellent opportunity to exercise his mischief.
Even the cat seemed interested in the potential of the approaching situation, its ears pricking forward as Thor continued to speak, praising his mortal friends with both admiration and fondness. Loki was somewhat intrigued—he had only heard Thor speak of the Warriors Three and Sif in such a way.
These Midgardians seemed to have a fondness for double names. Tony Stark also went by Iron Man, and he had constructed a suit of armor that could fly and fire pulses of energy, among many other things. Steve Rogers bore the second name of Captain America, and he was an experienced soldier and great leader, one whom Thor seemed more than willing to follow.
Clint Barton had the alias Hawkeye, and he was an archer with skill Thor had never seen matched, much less surpassed. Natasha Romanoff was the Black Widow, and all Thor would say of her was that she was a force to be reckoned with. The last name Thor mentioned was Dr. Bruce Banner, sometimes known as the Hulk.
The Asgardian chuckled. "He is perhaps the most surprising of them all. You would not believe how extraordinary Midgardians are, brother."
"Extraordinary." Loki's expression made it clear how doubtful he was of that description's accuracy.
"Only if they're owned by cats."
"So, anyway." Thor cleared his throat, trying to behave nonchalantly. Loki was almost amused to see the Asgardian trying to use his own trick. Did he even realize he was doing it? "The Avengers will be arriving anytime now, and I was hoping you would join us for dinner? I'm sure you'll like them, Loki. Tony Stark actually reminds me a great deal of you. He shares your love for wit."
"A kind invitation, Thor, but I am not so fiercely plagued by hunger as you." Loki knelt down on the still-black floor as he picked up the scattered papers, organizing them neatly in hand. "Tell your friends that I send my regards. I'm sure I will have the pleasure of meeting them some other time. You did say that they're going to be here for a week, after all."
Thor had gotten better at catching Loki's sarcasm. Another side effect of being around Midgardians, Loki supposed. He was clearly hurt, yet he still offered Loki a place at the table should he change his mind. Loki gave only a sardonically lifted eyebrow in response, and Thor exited the room dolefully.
"He looks like a kicked pup whenever you do that," the cat observed. It sprang from its perch and landed neatly on Loki's shoulder. The Trickster's face contorted as the cat employed its claw to regain balance. "And speaking of pups, Frost Midget…" The cat disregarded Loki's disgruntled look as it started licking his face. "If you want to be a Dalmatian so badly, just turn into one."
Loki shoved it off with a huff, embarrassed that he could have forgotten that he had ink on his face. The cat didn't so much as stumble as its four paws made light contact with the floor, and it sat down and began its cleaning ritual yet again.
The papers in Loki's hands were reduced to ash, then deposited in the fireplace that hadn't been in use since early spring. He went to go clean the ink off his face, and that was an ordeal in itself which time shall not be taken to describe. Sorcery had to come into play. He then went into his closet, changing out from the casual gray and green garb he had been wearing into a deep emerald tunic with golden armguards and a matching gold vest, black silken trousers and similarly shaded boots of the finest leather.
"Are you going to paint your nails, too?" the cat asked. Loki threw a spare boot at it.
"Appearances are important, especially for royalty."
"And divas."
Loki folded his arms, eyebrows drawing together as he stared the cat down. "Do you want to antagonize these mortal heroes or not? I can just as easily multitask with irritating them and killing you."
"Oh no, I could never miss out on fun like this." The cat's ears twitched. "Ah, there's the Bifrost."
Loki grinned.
lxiii.
"Welcome to Asgard, kiddies," Tony Stark wheezed from where he was on his knees on the floor. Bifrost travel was an experience he hadn't quite anticipated. Steve Rogers helped him up, holding the other man steady. "Ugh, I am so glad Pepper wasn't here to see that."
Bruce Banner pulled his glasses from his jacket's inner pocket and put them back on. He seemed perfectly calm, but there was just a hint of green around his throat as he blinked at his surroundings. "Well, that was fun."
"Let's do it again," Clint Barton giggled. Natasha Romanoff shook her head, somewhere between exasperation and amusement. All these years, and the archer hadn't changed a bit.
"My friends," Thor's voice boomed pleasantly within the observatory, and he greeted each of them with enthusiasm. "It is good of you to come."
"Wouldn't miss it for the world, Point Break," Tony replied. He had run up to the shallow steps in the center of the observatory and looked over at Heimdall. "So how exactly does this work?"
Heimdall didn't answer. Tony's eyes narrowed in a calculating way, and Steve decided it was time for Thor to take them into the city, before Tony tried something like bribing the Gatekeeper of Asgard.
The visitors from Earth picked up the belongings they had brought and followed Thor outside. The Asgardian had prepared horses for everybody. Clint snickered at Tony's reaction—the billionaire almost dug his heels in right then and there, like a stubborn little kid. Then the archer forgot all about that as he stopped walking, his mouth dropping open as he stared in astonishment.
"Whoa."
The others tried to follow his line of sight, although with someone like Hawkeye, it wasn't really possible. Tony propped his sunglasses up on his forehead as he squinted off into the distance. Asgard's sun, aided by the wind, finally pushed the layers of morning fog.
"Whoa is right," Steve agreed quietly. He was glad that he had thought to bring his sketchbooks. "Thor, is that the city?"
"Nay, Steve Rogers." Thor turned away from the horse he had been securing the Avengers' baggage to. Bruce was helping him. "Through this fog, all we can see is the palace."
Clint elbowed his teammate. "Natasha, pinch me."
"No."
lxiv.
There would be five rooms to investigate. The first was easy to get into, which didn't surprise Loki at all. The non-Asgardian items in plain view were miniscule: only a number of books on different sciences were on the bedside dresser. The drawers, of course, were where anything of interest would be found.
"Cropped stockings, undergarments, a toothbrush?" Loki shook his head as he tucked the last object back in place. "For great warriors, Thor's mortal friends are disappointingly bland. Even Fandral distinguishes himself with the hair kits he brings everywhere."
"Divas everywhere on this realm," the cat remarked. "So is that all for this room?"
"Well, there is this." Loki picked up a folded piece of fabric, dark purple in color. It unfolded to reveal itself as a pair of trousers, and the pockets were naturally empty. Such boring humans. Loki started folding the trousers again, but he stopped as he realized that the trousers kept stretching rather than resisting the tugs required to straighten the material. Experimentally, he pulled at the waist. It easily crossed his wingspan.
The cat's head tilted to one side in an expression of puzzlement. "What in Helheim…?"
Loki set one side of the trousers' waist on the dresser. "Sit here," he commanded the cat. The cat obliged, out of curiosity more than anything else. Loki walked to the other side of the room and the trousers kept stretching, stretching…
"What manner of sorcery is this supposed to be?" Loki wondered incredulously.
"And what purpose does it serve?" the cat added. "What sort of creature would require trousers such as these, much less a mortal?"
"Thor did say that Banner was the most surprising of them all." Loki walked down over to the cat, and the trousers recovered their natural shape and size without any sign of damage. The sorcerer folded the strange clothes at last and tucked them away inside of his vest. He and the cat left the bedroom without leaving any sign they had been there.
.
The door into the second room wasn't even locked. Loki's interest was piqued by the tricolored shield, but he knew its disappearance would be too noticeable. A few minutes later he discovered a mysterious silver roll. It took Loki a few seconds to figure out how it unraveled.
"Sticky," he mused, his fingers catching on the band the roll unwound into. The cat batted at it curiously and had some difficulty pulling its paw away. A slow smile appeared on Loki's face, and he decided that this odd roll would prove useful. It was stowed away with the trousers.
.
The third room was protected by a lock of technology that certainly hadn't been crafted anywhere on Asgard. This had to be Tony Stark's quarters. It was a simple matter for Loki to slip in, and he took a moment to run his eyes over what Stark probably referred to as organized chaos.
Loki would just call it messy. He and the cat split up to see if there was anything that might be worth investigating, but when a thick, metal finger tapped Loki's shoulder and he was politely informed by an empty suit of armor that it was time for him to leave… well.
He was one for doing the smart thing. Usually. Sometimes. When he felt like it.
.
The moment Loki opened the door to the fourth room, he had to summon a protective barrier in order to avoid being impaled by the five knives that came flying out. Even then, it was close. Had Sif upgraded her room's security somehow?
"Probably nothing too interesting in here," Loki said.
"Probably," the cat agreed.
They scuttled off.
.
Loki opened the door to the fifth and last room without incident. Then he took a step in and had a bucket full of water drop over his head. He spluttered (though at first he glubbed), and all the more indignantly when the cat refused to stop rolling around the floor laughing at him. He pulled the bucket of his head, fully intending to turn it to dust, but then stopped as an idea occurred to him. He kept the bucket.
Whoever had laid claim to this had not brought much else besides weapons. Knives and who knew what had been carefully concealed in various locations. The abundance of archery equipment informed Loki that these quarters had been assigned to Hawkeye. Odd that a man with so much weaponry would be so lax on personal security.
He found a sealed box underneath the bed which appeared to hold some form of Midgardian food—the breads, meats, greens, and cheese Loki all recognized, but he did not know why they had been put together in such a fashion. He picked up one of the wrapped delicacies and brought it along.
Loki and the cat left the room nearly just as they found it, even removing the watermarks. He stopped in briefly at Thor's room and then continued to his own quarters.
lxv.
"So, what exactly is a dinner duel?" Clint asked. Steve listened with a bemused expression as Fandral enthusiastically related the details, waving his goblet for emphasis.
Thor laughed and clapped the younger Asgardian's shoulder. "Fandral, why explain it to him when you can give him a demonstration?"
Fandral lit up, and immediately called to Hogun. The often-silent warrior looked over at his comrade and shook his head. Fandral pleaded, clasping his hands together and entreating Hogun's sense of adventure.
"It wouldn't be an adventure, Fandral," Hogun replied. "I beat you every time."
Everyone at the table laughed, and even Fandral was amused, but still he kept pushing at Hogun. Tony started drumming the handles of his utensils on the table, chanting Ho-gun, Ho-gun. It didn't take long for everyone else to catch on, and soon the feasting hall was thundering with the drums and chants of Hogun's name.
Probably just to get everyone to shut up, Hogun submitted. He set down his goblet and climbed up onto the table with Fandral. Fandral selected a long, skinny carrot, and Hogun took a drumstick from Volstagg's plate.
"You will regret this," he promised Fandral.
The other Asgardian chuckled. "I know."
Thor smiled as he watched his friends, both dueling on top of the table and sitting around it. They were getting along wonderfully, just as he had hoped. If only Loki could be here to enjoy their company as well. The prince kept moving around the dinner hall, acting the good host as he took a few moments for everyone. He didn't notice that his parents were watching him, exchanging proud looks.
Fandral was walloped soundly, and he went to clean the goose grease from his hair. Clint seemed to have caught the essence of dinner duels right away, and immediately challenged Natasha. Tony watched them climb the tables with an anticipating ohhhhhh.
Bruce and Frigga had somehow ended up seated next to each other during the course of things, and the scientist found a keen ear with the Allmother. Given all the magic that was used on this realm, he had not expected to find such a strong understanding of science, but not only did Frigga comprehend what he was telling her, she had input of her own to provide. There were only hesitations when she had to figure out a new piece of Midgardian terminology.
She was fascinated by his studies into gamma radiation and other fields of science, and offered to show him around her personal laboratory tomorrow, if he was interested. "Is—I believe Thor said that you refer to him as 'the other guy?'—is he very interested in the sciences as well?"
"Nah." Bruce shook his head, chuckling quietly. "He's more of the, uh, smashing type."
"That sounds more a little bit like Thor," Frigga remarked. She grinned mischievously. "And my husband, but don't tell him I said that."
"I never heard it from you," Bruce replied. They both snickered as Odin returned to sit next to his wife. Perfect timing.
"Dr. Banner, I should like to meet this 'other guy' for myself, if you are willing."
"Really?" Bruce gave Frigga a surprised look. She probably didn't even know what she was asking for. "He usually only comes out during… extreme situations."
"This is Asgard, Dr. Banner. But if you are unwilling, then I shall digress."
"No, I… I gotta admit, I'm curious to see how you would do it."
Frigga seemed puzzled by Bruce's words. Before she could inquire what he meant by them, they were both distracted by Tony loudly pleading down the table. He had moved to sit next to Volstagg, and was trying desperately to wheedle the secrets of Asgard's alcohol from the warrior. "I promise I'll make it worth your while!"
"No loyal Asgardian would ever betray the secrets of the trade," Volstagg said solemnly.
"Oh c'mon, man," Tony whined. Clint was doing a poor job of disguising his laughter. "Don't be that way."
The dinner continued with a playful, relaxed mood. Thor was glad to see his friends so at ease, despite being from another world, and he was glad to see that the transition between realms was going smoothly. He hoped that they felt as welcomed here as he did on Midgard.
Clint and Tony both seemed to be in their elements, especially upon discovering Asgard's great fondness for absurd storytelling. Tony, of course, could tell tales with more freedom while Clint had to sidestep certain topics. However, when it came to bizarre experiences, Clint definitely had Tony beat. Fandral, wiping away tears of laughter, looked over at Thor as he walked past. "This makes me want to visit Midgard more often."
Thor definitely had to agree.
lxvi.
Loki entered his laboratory. He set Dr. Banner's trousers in a wide-brimmed basin with green gel inside in order to discover just what they were made of, and placed the silver roll of stickiness into a hollow sphere for the same purpose. Carefully he unwrapped the food he had found in Clint Barton's room and, after making certain it wasn't poisonous, produced a knife and began slicing.
"So you won't go to dinner, but you'll steal from a Midgardian's stash of homemade food?" The cat looked up from its own meal, a bowl of fish supplied by one of the servants. "That makes sense."
Loki kept slicing, though he had to use some binding magic to keep the ingredients from crumbling all over the place. Why would Midgardians create such flimsy food? He finished and used his fork to spear a piece and bring it up to his mouth. It… tasted rather good, actually.
The cat had finished its fish already, and it hopped up onto the table with all of Loki's laboratory equipment. Loki didn't express concern. The cat was about as likely to knock things over as a dying breeze. He sat down, opening a book and stabbing another piece of his acquired Midgardian snack.
The laboratory equipment chirped for Loki's attention, having finished analyzing the silver roll. The sorcerer closed his book around his thumb and went to view the results. His eyebrows slowly lifted. For a moment, he was actually impressed by these mortals.
It was at that exact moment that Thor and his Avengers came bursting in. "Loki!" Thor was displaying a rare case of utter vexation. "Why have you intruded into the private quarters of my friends and taken their things? You know better than to harass guests!"
"As I recall, one of your favorite pastimes was tormenting political figures, even more than I did." Loki glanced up from his book as he said this, and smirked. "I suppose you finally decided to leave that to the professionals."
Tony and Clint exchanged looks. "I think I like this guy," Tony decided.
"Me too," Clint agreed. He looked back over at Loki and then frowned. "Hey, is that my sandwich?"
Loki turned his head to take note of the food item on the plate adjacent to him, sliced into neat squares. "Oh, so that's what you call it." The fork went out to retrieve another piece.
Clint shook his head. "You're not supposed to slice my sandwiches, bro. You're in need of some serious education."
Loki opened his mouth to give a cool reply, but snapped it shut again when Thor came looming over him. "Loki," the Thunderer said firmly. "It is very, very late. I know you love your mischief, but we require rest. Please return my friends' belongings to them, now."
Loki had forgotten that Thor wasn't exactly what one would call a night owl. "Very well," the Trickster sighed. He rose up to his full height, just a little bit below Thor's, and went back to his table. He retrieved the duct tape from the sphere, but not before his equipment had crafted a double, and tossed it to Steve.
Tony came zooming in like he had been pulled by magnetic force. He ogled the equipment. "What kind of lab is this?"
"On Asgard, science and magic are on par with each other," Loki said haughtily. "Our laboratories reflect this fact."
"It's a smagic lab," the cat summarized.
Loki made a frustrated noise as he spun and pointed at the cat. "We have already had this discussion, you vile little creature, it is not smagic!"
The Avengers stared in bewilderment, with the exception of Clint, who just started snickering. "Wow," he said. "Darcy did say that Thor's younger brother was something of a weird one, but this is a little more than I had been expecting."
At the mention of Darcy's name, both Loki and the cat's heads came snapping around. A vaguely panicked expression flashed across Loki's face. "You're not the coworker she made a bet with on Christmas, are you?"
Clint just smirked. Steve shook his head, calling everyone back to attention. "As Thor said a minute ago, it's very, very late. And we all know how Tony is in the mornings."
"Hey!"
"So, Mr. Loki, if you could please return Dr. Banner's pants and Barton's sandwich, we'd all like to go to bed."
"He can keep the sandwich," Clint said. He shook his head with a distressed expression. "I don't have the heart to eat one that's been sliced."
Loki didn't seem very bothered by this fact. He went over to the basin and then stopped. "Oh," he said in surprise as a tentacle lifted from the murky, now-bubbling gel and waved in the air. "No, I don't think you'll be getting your trousers back, Dr. Banner."
Everybody stared. The cat's head slowly continued to tilt, until it looked like it might reach its paw. Clint burst out laughing. "That's it, there is something in this Asgardian booze." He turned around, walking out of the room. "I'm going to bed. Loki, remember to get my bucket back to me in the morning."
"Bucket?" Thor repeated. His eyes narrowed suspiciously. He didn't see a bucket anywhere.
"Consider it done," Loki called back. "Goodnight, everyone."
The different Midgardians and single Asgardian blinked as they found themselves standing at the doors of their separate rooms. Clint just laughed again and went in. Tony grinned slightly. Either he was going to end up really liking this brother of Thor's, or he was really going to hate it. Whichever way things went, he had no doubt that it would be fun. Bruce and Natasha simultaneously wished that Pepper and Coulson were here.
Thor stayed at his door for a few moments longer. "But there was no bucket," he muttered to himself. He shook his head and opened the door leading into his quarters, and a bucket of freezing cold water dumped itself upon his head.
He could hear Loki cackling somewhere. Thor wondered if perhaps, this hadn't been the greatest idea after all.