Author's notes: You have no idea how long I've been waiting to do this. No. Idea.
lxxvi.
Should the fancy take him, Loki was going to have to teach these Midgardians how to properly safeguard their precious artifacts. The Tesseract was both hot and freezing in the pocket he had tucked it into, hidden away from the worlds. Now he and the cat just had to reach the park in the center of these suburbs, since that was where they would find the dimensional weakness Loki required to move from one world to another. It helped that the cloudy night was providing them with cover.
Loki had to admit, this had been fun. The consequences that were undoubtedly going to result certainly wouldn't be, but for a change he didn't mind. He was oddly pleased to have the cat snarking away within his mind again. The near week of absence that had gone by had made him feel… lonely, perhaps.
"You know, you could just say that you missed me."
Loki stopped, turning halfway to look down at the cat. Its blue eyes had gained a slightly luminescent aspect to counteract the darkness. "Now why would I miss a nuisance such as yourself?"
"Well, I don't know. You tell me." The cat's head turned, its ears pricking forward curiously as it sniffed. "Now, what's that, I wonder…"
"Well, I don't know." Loki smirked. "You tell me." He turned back around, somewhat surprised by the lack of comeback from the cat, and resumed walking. In about sixty seconds, SHIELD would close in on their location, and the gateway point was another fifteen seconds of walking away. He'd leave with nary a hair out of place.
Yes, he really would have to show these humans how to upgrade their security. He did sort of owe Barton. The prince's expression turned thoughtful as he considered which systems he would emphasis the improvement on. All was a bit too vague.
"Oh, wow."
The cat's voice sounded strangely euphoric as it resounded in Loki's head. The Trickster paused again and looked over his shoulder. The cat was sitting amidst a clump of plants someone had planted along the perimeter of their house. Its eyes were stretched wide as it stared into the distance, tail twitching spasmodically.
"Wow wow wow. WOW."
Loki followed the cat's gaze and saw… nothing. He looked back over at the cat, brows furrowing as he heard what seemed to be suspiciously like a giggle. Thirty seconds until SHIELD was due to arrive. The prince plucked a few stalks from the bush the cat was now gnawing on, and hooked an arm under the cat's belly and picked it up.
"Wheeeeee." The cat splayed its legs out in an imitation of flying. Loki wasn't sure if he was amused or perturbed. He was leaning more towards the perturbed side of things—and this really wasn't the time for the cat's behavior to turn from sarcastic to simply bizarre.
He heard helicopters. SHIELD was ahead of schedule. The sorcerer tucked the plant stalks into a different pocket and switched the cat from his right arm to his left. Running now, he stretched his hand forward and whispered the command that would open the doors to other realms.
By the time SHIELD closed in, Loki was gone.
lxxvii.
Loki had to admit that he felt a bit like a child again, sneaking around after some mischief had been done. It was a feeling he had missed, honestly. Being over a thousand years of age, and a prince besides, Loki sometimes forgot he had earned his title of Trickster for a reason.
Of course, he would never tell the cat that it had had a good idea. The cat who was currently in a very wobbly line beside him, frequently tripping over its paws. It said nothing except for enthusiastic exclamations of WOW! Loki was going to have to analyze the plant sample he had taken. Something was having a very interesting effect on the cat.
He rounded the corner, glancing over his shoulder as the cat walked straight into the wall, and noted the packed bags in the hall. Ah yes, Thor had said that the Avengers were only going to stay for a week. It must be time for them to go home now. A pity—he hadn't spent nearly enough time discussing technology and sciences with Tony and Bruce.
"Loki!" He flinched as Thor seemed to pop up from nowhere. The Thunderer appeared to be pleased. "I was uncertain that you would come. It's good to see you, brother."
"Are your friends leaving at last?" Loki queried.
"We have work to do." Loki managed not to twitch, slowly turning his head to look over at the man who was suddenly standing at his shoulder. Clint Barton smirked. "Sir."
Loki regarded the human warily, ignoring the cat's mental sniggering. Retribution was something he was all too familiar with, and he suspected that Clint was definitely the retribution type. "No hard feelings, Barton?"
Hawkeye's smirk broadened. The rest of the Avengers had gathered by this time, picking up their packs—except for Tony, who was making the Iron Man suit carry the packs for him. Natasha paused as she noticed a briefcase that had not been with any of them when they left for Asgard, and carefully drew it out from among Clint's things.
"Barton," she said, lifting it for everyone to see. "Recognize this?"
Clint's stare held a mix of alarm and bewilderment. "I have no idea what that's doing here," he stated. "But it should not be here."
"Lokiiiiiiii. Did you do another something?"
Loki just smirked. He waved the fingers of the hand he was keeping hidden behind his back, and the briefcase popped open, revealing the stolen Tesseract. The Avengers didn't even exclaim, too stunned to think of a response to such an unexpected turn of events.
"Your security is in dire need of an upgrade," Loki informed them. The stares directed upon the Trickster ranged from incredulous to frankly murderous. Thor seemed to be in physical pain. "And it may not be the best idea to tell Odin that you have his things."
"His things?" Tony echoed.
Loki didn't answer and continued on his way, the cat trailing unsteadily behind. Thor looked like he was currently wishing the floor would swallow him up. Steve shook his head with a chuckle as he picked up the briefcase containing the Tesseract, as well as his own pack. "Your brother is certainly a character, Thor."
The other Midgardians were doing the same, retrieving the last of their things as they expressed their amusement over Loki's ways. "I just hope he doesn't usually use mind-control to make friends," Clint said. He shuddered. "I wouldn't want to experience that again."
"You're not… angry with him?" Thor was relieved, but admittedly shocked. After things like this, people were always angry with his younger brother. That the Avengers were not was confusing.
"You kidding?" Steve's smile bore a mischief Thor didn't often associate with the man. "We have to deal with Tony and Clint every day."
lxxviii.
"Loki, do you understand how we treat our allies?" The corner of Odin's eye was twitching; a sure sign that this lecture was going to go into the next century. At least Thor wasn't here. "Not. Like. This. What in the Nine Realms possessed you to steal from Midgard?!"
"Tut tut, Loki," the cat added in reproving tones. Frigga had been seated when they had entered the room, so it had claimed her lap for itself.
"It was just a bit of fun, really," Loki replied simply. He sighed at the aghast looks turned upon him by his parents. It seemed that they hadn't grasped his motive. Again. "Really, I'm doing the mortals a favor. Their security measures are atrocious—with how simple it was for me to slip in and out, they're fortunate I'm not their enemy. Besides, Odin, I was always planning to return the Tesseract. Even though it technically belongs to us."
Odin gave Loki a look. "For someone so skilled in negotiations, Loki, you are truly reckless. The Tesseract will return to us eventually, but for the time being we owe Midgard some trust. They have proven themselves worthy allies."
"Hey hey, do you know what happens when iron and silver team up? They become alloys."
Loki glanced over at the cat before going back to enduring Odin's lecture. Oh yes. It was like his childhood all over again. Loki feigned patience, knowing he was going to be here for a long time. The cat lifted its chin from its paws and tilted its head dramatically as it stared at Odin.
"Why does everybody keep calling that Odin? S'not Odin, it's all gold. People aren't gold. Then they wouldn't get anywhere." The cat slid off Frigga's lap, flopping gracelessly on the floor. It crept forward, keeping its belly close to the ground as it peered suspiciously up at Odin. "What is this golden creature?"
Loki was distracted from Odin's words—something about betraying the trust of a fellow Realm—by the cat's continued rambling. Its words were growing increasingly unrelated to the current circumstances, and the sharp wit Loki had long since associated the cat with was completely absent. He withdrew the stalk of Midgardian plant from his pocket and studied them curiously. Obviously it was the culprit, but how so?
"Loki, are you even listening to me." Odin wasn't asking, going by the flatness in his tone. Frigga wasn't amused, either, and that was more than a slightly terrified scene. Loki slowly moved his gaze from the plucked stalk to the rulers of Asgard.
"Not particularly," Loki replied honestly. "The cat has some interesting things to say."
"Awwwwww." The cat flopped onto Loki's boots, belly-up. "Aren't you nice? Yes you arrre."
"Is your cat feeling well?" Frigga inquired. She seemed concerned, kneeling down on the floor and holding out a palm to detect any illness. "He's behaving strangely."
"I agree, the loathsome cat is not acting like itself."
"Then can I be Darcy?" The cat's eyes were wide and practically sparkling as it entreated the sorcerer. "Being Darcy would be great."
"One Darcy is quite enough, thank you." Loki knelt to pick up the cat and tucked it under his shoulder after straightening up. He looked over at Odin and Frigga, who were watching the exchange between Asgardian and cat with querulous expressions. The Trickster nodded politely. "If you don't mind, I'll be taking my leave now. The cat is displaying uncharacteristic, human landscaping-induced behavior."
"I don't see what landscaping has to do with it. Wow, you have such pretty boots I could use them to count my teeth."
"I'm sure you could." Loki left the hall. Frigga and Odin looked at each other, Frigga thoughtful and Odin slightly bemused.
"Loki is capable of adapting to anything, but…" The Allfather shook his head again. "Some days, our son simply refuses to learn."
"I suppose it's more fun for him that way," Frigga remarked. The queen chuckled.
lxxix.
It took some experimentation and a little bit of worldwalking, but Loki eventually discerned what it was about the strange Midgardian bush that had the cat acting this way. Apparently it was called catnip, and various "owners" of felines liked to keep it around for the amusing effect it had on their pets. Going from what he had learned, the symptoms fit the cat's current condition perfectly.
Loki cultivated an amount of catnip for… scientific purposes. He had to keep tossing the cat across the room in order to get the plant samples to safety. After securing an amount within a growth chamber, Loki collected the rest and went to play.
Thor was walking past on his way to his own quarters, and he stopped as he heard Loki's laughter echoing through the halls. The Thunderer turned back around, looking in the direction of Loki's rooms, and he wondered what could possibly have his brother so greatly humored. He hadn't heard Loki laugh like this since… since when?
He snuck up to the door and peeked in. Loki was seated on the black rug near the fireplace, his legs neatly folded. The cat was sprawled on its back, halfway curled into a circle with its legs sticking up in the air. Loki held a long, leafy stalk between his fingers that he was currently waving lazily just above the cat's head. It kept snapping out forepaws and missing the stalk by so much, although its claws occasionally snagged a leaf.
Finally it pulled the stalk from Loki's hand, chewing on it enthusiastically with crossed eyes. Loki was hunched over, palms flat against the rug as he giggled breathlessly. Thor watched their antics for a moment longer, feeling a peculiarly strong sense of happiness, and then he slipped away before either of them noticed his presence.
lxxx.
The next morning, Loki woke up with a belly of cat fur in his face. Indignantly he shoved the sleeping creature off, and it tumbled gracelessly to the floor. It didn't utter its usual complaints as it remained slumped on the floor, despite it being well into autumn.
"Ugh."
Loki rolled over in his bed to peer down at the cat. It didn't bother to move from the position it had landed in, its ears nearly flat against its head.
"Ugh," it said again.
"Fun night?" Loki asked, grinning wickedly.
The cat seemed to wince. "Not so loud, Frost Midget."
"What was that?" Loki deliberately raised his voice several notches. The cat directed a look of pure murder up at him, and the Trickster smirked unrepentantly. This was an interesting turn of events, however. Loki's research had given no indication that catnip had ill effects on Midgardian cats. For Asgardian ones, it seemed to be a different story.
Loki believed the Midgardian term for this phenomenon was "hangover."
"Hati help me, I will kill you for this," the cat vowed in surly tones.
Loki grinned again. "It was your idea to go steal the Tesseract."
The cat's ears flattened again. "I hate you. I hate you I hate you I hate you."
Loki laughed. It was nice to be aggravating the cat, for a change.