The Beta-Assisted Honey Restoration: Chapter Two
*
Well? ? ?
That was the not-too-subtle message from Wyatt on Facebook that Leonard returned to after his date with Penny. He had hobbled from the front door to his room, past whatever Sheldon and Amy were doing dressed as a stereotypical German and a navy seal for 'Fun with Flags'. He didn't ask questions any more, and he really couldn't care less that night in particular.
By the time Leonard reached his room he was grinning uncontrollably because, oh God, Penny had just kissed him goodnight. He felt giddy. She was happy! The way she had looked at him and chewed briefly on her bottom lip before taking his jaw in her hand and leaning in… 'Goodnight you,' she had said after the kiss. Augh, his poor nerdy heart was thumping for joy.
Leonard understood that Penny might not have been able to say 'I love you' when they were dating the first time, and maybe she wouldn't be able to say it for months and months, but he was certain he had seen love in those green eyes just moments earlier. If not the 'in love' kind of love, then the deeply affectionate puppy-type love that he was just as happy to accept if it meant he could be near her, and kiss her, and take pleasure from loving her himself.
Calm down Leonard, he told himself on a deep breath. The night had gone really well, considering it could have been a disaster, and he could finally let go of the uber-nerves that had been building all day. Leonard was reassured that with some thought and care, not every mistake they each made from hereon in had to end in a huge fight. He felt better about the process as a whole, and sat on the edge of his bed to reach for his laptop. He wanted to quickly message Wyatt, but he soon saw that Wyatt had beaten him to it:
Well? ? ?
Leonard chuckled and typed quickly:
Hi Wyatt.
We had a really nice night, and I think we're okay now. Penny loved the shooting range! (Just in case you're worried, that's not the only reason we're okay though – we talked, obviously.) Thanks for the advice…and also, thanks for making me feel comfortable and telling me not to give up, the last time we met. I really appreciated that. I won't let you down. Penny says goodnight.
Leonard.
He wasn't sure why he had added that last bit. It wasn't as though Penny was sitting there next to him, privy to this whole exchange, but she was Wyatt's daughter and Leonard thought it was the polite thing to do, reinforcing that she was okay and in good hands. It was obvious that Wyatt worried about Penny, she was far from home but she was safe. She was always going to be safe. Besides, if Penny were there, then that's exactly what she would have asked him to add. Leonard just hoped that Wyatt didn't think it was creepy.
Was it creepy? Or more presumptuous?
Leonard decided he was going to have a shower instead of overthinking again. Sheldon would complain about the water use at such a late hour, but he was still in the living room in lederhosen and socks that reminded Leonard of his Uncle Floyd, so really what did it matter if Leonard needed some alone time with the hot water? Considering how worried he had been about the list, and Penny's reaction, and how much he had ignorantly insulted her, and whether she might decide he wasn't worth it…it was worth it. He was worth it.
Before he went to the shower, Leonard remembered something that he had said to Wyatt the first time they met.
'Gee, I don't know if it's in the cards, Sir.'
'Then stack the deck!' Wyatt had said. 'Cheat, lie, I don't care. I want grandkids before I die and I want them to grow up in a house without wheels.'
Well, that would very likely happen whether Leonard was involved or not, but Wyatt had parroted Leonard's own words back to him on the phone earlier as well. 'Told ya it was in the cards,' he had said.
Leonard could not help himself. He reached for his laptop one more time, even though he knew that Wyatt would be fast asleep; at least this would make him smile over his breakfast the next day.
PS. I think it's in the cards this time, Wyatt. I hope so anyway. Thanks. L.
Over half an hour later, Leonard emerged from a long shower and returned to his room wrapped in his robe and with a fresh bandaid on his pinkie toe. He pulled down the covers, preparing for a few hours of deep sleep mixed with sweet dreams about Penny. Not the sort of fantasies he'd just spent his time in the bathroom creating, while biting his lip so that he didn't moan too loudly as they had sex in his head. Nope, he was going to dream about the boring stuff now, he knew it. This was how it always went and he was used to it.
It wasn't a bad kind of boring, but Penny always featured prominently in his everyday, 'regular', non-sexy dreams, even when they had been broken up. In his dreams, dream-Leonard always thought, 'I should tell Penny that', they had lengthy conversations sometimes, or if he had a nightmare she was always in it…usually saving his ass or taking his hand to show him the quickest way out of the maze or away from the robot killer. Some nights she just turned up inside his head with Chinese food, and that was cool too. He would rather be actually awake for the other stuff anyway, and while he didn't necessarily believe that his dreams were 'special messages' about his life and how it should or would turn out, there was a little voice inside him that argued that the mind and consciousness was such an unknown area of science, unexplored, immeasurable in so many ways, that he could never really dismiss that idea either.
He would never tell Penny that…she would drag him straight to her psychic for another stupid reading! They, of course, were total hooey.
Leonard fell asleep, but at some stage during the night a hand firmly grasped his shoulder and a voice whispered his name. It woke him. Leonard's startled mind supplied an immediate answer; this was him, fulfilling his earlier desire, the desire to be the kind of guy to walk purposefully into Penny's apartment, grip her shoulder and use a gentle, firm voice to wake her up and then say, 'Fuck the list, honey I love you'. It was the same hand, the same voice…
Leonard scrunched up his face when he woke up well enough to realise that idea was absurd. He WAS himself; he wasn't Penny, and he couldn't both be in his bed and be in Penny's room at the same time.
Yet his subconscious had discovered enough in those few seconds in the dark to be half-right, and it quickly made the necessary corrections to reveal the truth. It was Penny's hand on his shoulder; it was Penny's voice urging him to wake up. She was kneeling on the mattress beside his hips and the mattress had dipped inwards, Leonard was turned slightly towards her.
Instead of Leonard storming into her apartment in the middle of the night, she had wandered into his. Fancy that.
"Penny," he mumbled without opening his eyes. Her touch had softened almost as though she could see his facial expressions changing in the dark well enough to realize he was awake. Maybe she could, he didn't know. He could smell her rose-water perfume. "Are you okay?" he asked. "Bad dream?"
"Can I talk to you?" she asked. Leonard nodded and started to sit up. He reached for the lamp but Penny's arm shot out and her hand grabbed his wrist, stopping him. At first the movement was jerky, awkward, because neither of them were used to this anymore. They were in his bed, it was dark…it was weird for them. "No lights," Penny whispered. Her voice shook only very slightly and her touch softened as she found his hand and gripped it. She returned their joined hands and outstretched arms to the space between them on the mattress and shuffled forward on her knees, until they were sitting side by side up against the headboard.
"Want some blanket?" Leonard asked.
"Thanks," Penny said. Silently, they rustled around with the quilt until it covered both of their raised knees. She reached for his hand again. It was the only part of them touching even though they were undeniably in an extremely intimate position, as far as Leonard was concerned anyway.
This was his chance to say 'fuck the list, honey', perhaps.
"Penny," he whispered before she could begin. "I want to say sorry properly. I shouldn't have given you a list of things I thought you should be doing better, as though it's your job to be some kind of ideal girlfriend for me…if that's how it came off…I was overthinking and being pedantic which is something I'd already said I would try to work on, and I didn't. I'm sorry."
"Leonard, stop," Penny said. She brought his hand into her lap, on top of the blankets, and covered his fingers with her other hand as well. Leonard immediately felt warm and safe, and like he'd been forgiven. "I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing here right now, and I know it's not about the list, but for what it's worth I'm sorry about mine too. I was being petty when I wrote it…and none of it is deal-breaking. I can teach you to give me neck and back massages just the way I like it. I don't think it will take very long either…from memory, when it comes to this body and what it enjoys you're a fast learner."
"Well I would like that very much," Leonard choked out in response to her smug whisper. "If you, you know, gave me some pointers."
Was this growth, he wondered? Or just maybe he was still dreaming. Whatever was going on, it felt oddly domestic and yet also just a little bit sexual? He had the urge to put his glasses on as though that would help him understand, but he didn't; he wasn't moving away from Penny anytime soon!
"You know," Penny continued. "You're actually the only guy I've dated who ever even offered to give me a neck massage. I didn't put that on the list."
"There are lots of things I didn't put on mine either," he said. "Good things. Really, really good things, Penny."
"Can you give me an example?" she asked hopefully, quietly. "Just one. I know I woke you up, it doesn't have to be-"
"No, I've got one," he assured her. "You're never afraid to have a hard conversation with me. I might be too scared to start those kinds of talks because they don't always end well in the short-term, but we both know we have to get it done to make 'this' better…and historically you've been the one who will start it, even if you think it will hurt you – that I'll hurt you – and that's really brave. I'm trying to be okay doing that more often too, so we're equals."
"You think I'm brave?" Penny asked curiously as she looked sideways at him. "And your equal?" she asked. Leonard thought that in the dark he saw a half-smile playing on her lips. He nodded in earnest, hoping that she could see his open, dark brown eyes. His heart was hammering painfully against his chest. He still had no idea what she was doing here, or what was going to happen, or whether there was anything left to say. He didn't know what to say.
"I do," he managed in a choked whisper. She was much braver than he was; she had to know it. Penny gripped his hand tightly in both of hers.
"I don't know about that," she said after a moment's silence. "I don't think too many boyfriends would be calling up their girlfriend's father for dating advice."
Leonard sucked in a nervous breath and tried to be cool and casual.
"I just wanted to know if there was anything fun you liked doing that wasn't the usual dinner and a movie. I didn't exactly plan on dinner being vending machine potato chips in the emergency room…"
"Well dad thought in a few years it would make a funny story, if it makes you feel better."
Leonard finally realised where this was all coming from. Penny had spoken to Wyatt. Oh God, what had they told each other?
"It doesn't," he said in a deadpan voice, as Penny giggled softly. "Shh, Sheldon," Leonard added, even though he didn't really need to tell her that.
"Sorry," she said needlessly, re-squeezing his hand. Leonard could get used to this. It was new again, he was still nervous, but it was also nice. He knew this Penny. He hadn't seen her in a long time, but he knew her.
I love you, he said inside his head, the only place those words were allowed.
"So," he actually voiced. He licked his lips and looked at her in the dark. "You talked to your dad tonight?"
"Yeah," she replied. "He didn't call me, he wasn't checking up on us or anything like that! I uh…I called him. I just wanted to say thank you, and to say hello…it's been awhile since I really spoke to him and tonight just reminded me of that. It was late and I woke him up but I don't think he minded, and then I wanted to talk to you so I figured, well, I've already woken up one man tonight, what's one more?"
"I don't mind," Leonard said happily as he smiled. "So 'in a few years' it'll be funny. Your dad knows we're suspended from the shooting range?"
"Yeah, that part was embarrassing to tell him," Penny said with another little giggle. "Then I told him why. I said, 'Leonard was being so sweet, so I kissed him while he was holding the gun, and it went off'…and then I had to listen to my dad lecture me on how I could have been killed because I couldn't keep my hands off you! Can you imagine?"
"I can, actually," Leonard said as he winced. He hoped he didn't get the same lecture via Facebook in the morning, but at least if he did he would be prepared with a groveling apology, especially necessary since he had told Wyatt that the date had gone really well and Penny had loved it. Woops!
It had gone well in the end though, because he was sitting in bed and sharing a blanket with Penny, and she was holding his hand while they just talked.
Hang on, he thought. He could change this up a little bit if he wanted to.
"Penny," he whispered. "Here." With his free hand he confidently reached over and brought her hands over to his lap for awhile. It was his turn now. He linked their fingers together and they playfully wrapped their four hands up to the point where in the dark he didn't know his from hers. "Thanks," he said in a droll voice before she could talk. "My other hand was getting cold."
Penny laughed and he saw the flash of her teeth as she grinned. She shifted on the mattress too, and wiggled slightly nearer.
"Leonard, sweetie, I want to take this slow," she said. "That's what I told dad tonight, and I really meant it. What we agreed on, this Beta Test-"
"I'm fine with slow," he assured her, even though a part of him really, really thought the opposite. Another part of him was also a little worried, though, because in reality Penny had never come into his room in the middle of the night like this before. It was unusual. "Penny," he whispered as his thumb brushed over her knuckles. "Did you want to talk to me about something?"
"Y-y-yeah," she said as her eyes darted towards him. "I…I wanted to tell you, to warn you I suppose, that I'm a little bit scared, and I might get a lot scared, sometimes. I want to ask that you don't take it personally because I'm really excited about this too…I know I made a joke the other day on the stairs when you said you'd missed me but I…I missed you too."
"Are you sure you didn't just miss the sex?" Leonard asked, teasing her by echoing back something similar to what she had said to him. Penny chuckled and leant sideways to nudge his shoulder with her own.
"Well have you tried sex with you?" she joked in return. "It's pretty incredible."
"I have, but it's always better with someone you lo-uuuh…have a really good connection with."
Crap, he thought. He had been about to say 'love' again. This was going to become a real problem. He would have to start some kind of daily mantra to try to train himself to keep quiet, or maybe he would only let it out when the pounding of the shower water could drown him out. It had been a pathetic save on his part too. A good connection? What on earth was that supposed to mean? They had something much better than a 'good connection', dammit!
Penny had snorted a little with laughter and Leonard felt himself blush. Annoying tears stung his eyes and he looked skywards to blink them away. God-dammit! This was meant to be confident, cocky, take-charge-Leonard?
What a joke.
"Shh," Penny whispered. "It's okay." To Leonard's surprise, she leant inwards and rested her head on his shoulder. She untangled one of her hands from his and encouraged him to wrap his now-free arm around her and hold her close, which he did all the while holding his breath just in case time suddenly stopped and he got sucked into a black hole. That's almost what it felt like, to have Penny hugging him, softly soothing him. Like maybe she understood.
"Sorry," he whispered, again apologizing for something he didn't need to apologise for, which was exactly what she had pointed out at the shooting range. What a moron.
"Don't be sorry," Penny said quietly. "You're really great, and I don't want anything more to happen tonight than this, but I just wanted to be here."
"Why?" Leonard risked asking. He never asked Sheldon that question, but he liked asking Penny 'why' for lots of things; she always came up with the most interesting and sometimes really thoughtful or unexpected responses.
"Dad said something to me," she said. "It upset me."
"That I could have killed you?"
"Not exactly. Just how if that had happened, how upset you'd have been, and I didn't like the picture of that he painted for me in my head. Then he asked me what if you'd been shot through the leg and were genuinely in hospital for a day or two, or worse…how I would feel; he was angry at me for risking it."
"He was just worried," Leonard whispered. "He loves you and he worries and that's what dads are supposed to do, right?"
"I guess. He promised he wouldn't tell mom. She'd whoop my ass."
"Ah, that's where you get it from, is it?" Leonard asked, teasing his lips against her ear as Penny chuckled. He took another risk and kissed her cheek, so lightly that she either didn't feel it for sure or didn't mind. Whatever; she didn't tell him to stop or pull away, so he pulled away on his own and leant his head on top of hers. They breathed steadily, calmly, for a few long minutes.
"You know," Leonard finally said. "Your dad's right."
"Are you going to lecture me now?"
"Noooo," he said on a nervous chuckle as he rubbed his hand up and down her far upper arm, her bare skin soft and warm. "I just mean that I'm glad I got shot in the toe, and I'd be pretty happy if I'd been shot in the leg too. Because if it had been you, if it had been more serious then your dad's right, I'd be-"
"Don't say it," Penny said quickly. "I don't want to talk about it."
"Okay." Leonard pulled her closer and truly hugged her then. "I'm sorry your dad upset you with that," he whispered. "It didn't even occur to me."
"At all?" Penny asked. She lifted her head long enough to stare at him with a scrunched up face and wide eyes. She was close enough to him that she wasn't blurry at all. Leonard smiled and shrugged.
"Nope," he said. "I've just been replaying those two kisses over and over in my head…haven't had much room for anything else. You know…I was thinking that you may not be good for my productivity…" He drew out his smirk and wiggled his eyebrows, and Penny giggled. It was loud enough to carry through the walls and they both froze, wide-eyed, and waited.
Nothing.
"I should go," Penny whispered very softly.
"Do you have to?" Leonard asked. One of his hands was still linked with hers and he gripped it tightly. "A little longer?"
"No," Penny said on a sigh. "I just…this sounds stupid but I just wanted to see you again-"
"That's not stupid."
"It's stupid because we see each other every day."
"Not like this we don't," Leonard told her. That was exactly what he had been trying to convey to her after their last date, when he said that he had missed her and she brushed him off. He knew she felt it! Penny sighed and nodded.
"Yeah, I'm beginning to remember that," she replied. Slowly, regretfully, she let go of his hands and sat back from him a little. She tucked her hair behind her ears and offered him a sad but hopeful sort of smile, which he saw more in her glistening eyes than the rest of her face in the dark.
"You know I'm all in here," Leonard said seriously but with a degree of caution. He didn't want to say anything that sounded too close to 'I love you', but he wanted to reassure her as well. "It's okay if you get scared, Penny," he added. "Just talk to me about it? Like you did tonight? I would like that."
"I will," Penny assured him. "I want to."
"Also," Leonard went on. "Tell me when I'm being an idiot, it might be often, and as this goes forward with the whole 'taking it slow' thing…you set the pace, okay? I want to date you Penny, regularly, exclusively, but I don't want to pressure you. I don't want there to be any confusion, and I want us to give this a genuine, scary, grown-up, second-chance, all-in kind of try."
He held his breath. He hoped that was the right balance of the take-charge confidence he had been working on for her, and respect and patience too.
"I think I can do that," Penny said with a soft smile. "You trust me, don't you?"
"Well, I'd have trusted you with my life up until a few hours ago when you-"
-kissed me, Leonard thought, as Penny all of a sudden pressed her lips to his in a repeat of the kiss they had briefly shared at the shooting range. This time, no gun. Leonard was sitting back against the headboard and Penny held his shoulders and t-shirt to steady herself, without her torso touching his. It was agony, right up until the moment they parted and took a small breath, because the kiss that almost immediately followed was softer; their lips gently parted and suckled and at the sound of Penny's soft mewling Leonard moaned.
That was when she pulled away, which was also what he had meant by 'brave'; she had just saved them both from something they weren't ready for.
"Sorry," she whispered. "That won't happen again for awhile. But just one more thing before I go, and I don't want you to read too much into this, okay?"
"O-kay," Leonard said cautiously. Penny clambered away from him across the mattress again and took the blanket and sheet along with her. She then found his right ankle and slid her hands around his sock to remove the thick wool covering until it was almost the entire way off.
Leonard watched as Penny's face disappeared beneath a veil of hair that tickled his shin and the soft arch of his foot. She pressed her lips to his injured toe in a series of childish, 'get well' kisses. Leonard had to bite his bottom lip to hold in his grin and stop himself from fidgeting from the warmth. Penny soon carefully returned his sock to his foot, got off the bed, and half-heartedly handed him the blankets so he could tuck himself in. After all, he wasn't their child. There was plenty of time for all that, because they were taking it slow.
"Feels better already," he quipped.
"Yeah-yeah," she said. Penny huffed like she was embarrassed by what she had just done, but Leonard thought it was adorable and loving. The whole night she had been totally present with him; warm and playful and heartfelt, and he just wanted to wrap her in his arms and keep her with him forever.
But Penny was setting the pace on this Beta Test, and that meant only visiting the frightening domesticated fantasies he'd been having in his dreams. Still, like he'd thought earlier again, he had some control. Instead of pulling her back towards him so that he could feel her, he reached over and turned on the lamp, so that he could finally see her. Penny rubbed her eyes and huffed again, but she also blushed. Leonard watched her with a thoughtful frown.
"I want to say something before you go," he said seriously. "I don't know how to say it. It's not like 'thank you' but…it's good to see you, to really see you, Penny. I hope you know what I mean. I did miss this. I'm glad you came."
"Me too," Penny said. Leonard went to stand but she stopped him. "Don't get up," she said. She leant over him for a hug, which was awkward with him sitting in bed and her standing beside the bed, but they still held on for seven mississippis, and Leonard shut his eyes and treasured every one of them.
"Well, sleep tight Leonard," Penny said in a forcibly casual, this-whole-thing-has-been-no-big-deal voice. "And don't worry about my dad getting mad at you. I'm the one who should have known better. He really likes you. I do too."
"Sweet dreams," Leonard said with a smile, as he leant over his raised knees and watched her back out of his room. He grinned at how cute and sexy she looked in her pink pyjamas trying to be all stealth. Fuck it, he thought. "See you in the morning, honey," he added just as she eased the door open. He sang it, teasing her. And honestly, he would be seeing her in the morning!
Penny glared over her shoulder, and then gave him a coy, playful air kiss.
Oh yeah, the pet name was back, and he was the one bringing it.
Soon alone in his room and with the light on, Leonard waited until he thought he heard the front door close. Sheldon remained undisturbed. Leonard quickly found his phone and opened his Facebook App, and sure enough there was a late-night message from Wyatt, written most likely just after he got off the phone with his daughter. Leonard dreaded the inevitable lecture about gun safety and the disappointment in Wyatt's words, but he just had to read it:
Well what more can I say? I like you Leonard. "You got this." Glad to be of service. Wyatt.
Leonard grinned and wiggled his toes. Sometimes real life was way sweeter than dreams.
*