"I, I will be king
And you, you will be queen
Though nothing will drive them away
We can be heroes, just for one day
We can be us, just for one day"
-David Bowie
Sheldon Cooper prided himself on being a man of many talents. Some were natural (mathematics, physics, ravishing good looks), some had been force fed to him by either one or the other of his parents (football and ballroom dancing. The former in theory only, the latter sadly not), and yet others were acquired (baking, speaking in what could pass for a general American accent as long as he kept those elongated vowels in check - "that", not "thaaat"), each one of these skills asserting his position as the dominant male of his social group. But as he looked at the hank of pink thread that had chewed through what had once been stretchy fabric, he realized the mighty Sheldon Cooper had just been defeated by a device operated by every grandmother from Wichita to Wellington.
"No, no, no, what are you doing, I am going slow, don't eat the pant leg" he cried out as the feed dogs pulled the fabric down into the depths of the sewing machine not unlike a spider pulling a beetle down into its lair for a bloody tête-a-tête. He took his foot off the pedal but it was too late – the fabric was completely mauled and the needle was stuck, threatening to break as he desperately tried to pull out the pant leg from its serrated prison.
"Oh, not again" he groaned, burying his face in the palms of his hands, very nearly breaking out into tears out of sheer frustration. Well there it was, the machine that would ultimately lead to his demise, the Terminator to his John Connor – a Janome SMD 2000. Go figure.
Massaging his temples while trying to calm down he regarded the mess that was his work station. There were threads, scissors, patterns, and glimmering fabric scattered all over his desk, and something that looked like a leotard with one of the legs missing. After having watched the entire first season of Project Runway for inspiration and spending over a hundred dollars on equipment, he now had to accept the fact that he was no closer to making this work than he had been three days ago when he'd started.
In times of need a man has to resort to drastic measures to restore order and save what can be saved, no matter how high the cost and no matter how big the humiliation. Thus like the battered hero he was, Sheldon decided to lick his wounds and pick up the phone and call his mother.
"Baby!" Mary Cooper exclaimed excitedly at the other end of the line, "How nice to hear from you!"
"Spare me the pleasantries mother, this is strictly business" Sheldon cut her off, not about to waste time discussing whatever bodily fluids were currently coming out of Missy's baby, or George's dietary habits, or whatever nonsense was going on at Mary's bridge club. "I need assistance."
"Sheldon Lee Cooper, I raised you better than that! What is this with you calling me up giving me sass on a Tuesday afternoon like I haven't got nothing better to do than put up with you?" Mary scolded him, her thick Southern accent flicking some sort of switch inside the lanky man whose attitude deflated at the same rate as his self-confidence.
"I'm sorry Mama" he mumbled, getting up to get himself a Diet Coke from the fridge.
"That's better. Now, what do you need help with? Is something wrong? Do you need me to come over?" his mother asked, ever so concerned for her special child.
"Yes! I need you to come over and teach me how to use a sewing machine. Now I've already checked and there's a plane that leaves at 9.30, so I'd suggest you start packing-"
"Shelly, I'm not flying from Houston to teach you how to sew" Mary interrupted him, chuckling as she bustled about in what had to be the kitchen, "I'm sorry but it's not gonna happen."
"But I'm your baby. I need you to help me with this" Sheldon pleaded with her, tugging nervously at the glimmering fabric that was still stuck in the sewing machine. "I need to finish this costume for Amy before Friday!"
"Oh, you're making something for Amy?"
"…Yes, that's what I just told you? So could we get back to the part where you hop on that plane and come help me finish this, I am really stuck on-"
"Listen Shelly, I think it's sweet that you're whipping up whatever it is you're making for your little girlfriend, but Mama's got important things to do too. You'll have to make do without me" his mother told him, letting him know she wasn't about to keep discussing the matter.
Sheldon sighed heavily, taking a sip of the fizzy drink and sinking back down on the chair by his desk, trying to ignore the mess in front of him. He'd recently been bothered by mental images of himself naked on a field, dancing around a bonfire and throwing the Janome SMD 2000 and the half-finished costume into the fire while chanting Native American spirituals. He couldn't be sure but he thought this might be a bad sign.
"What should I do then? The sewing machine just chewed up the last of the fabric and I think the needle is stuck, and I need this done by Friday evening!" the lanky man let out exasperatedly, hoping his mother would give in and come save the day.
"Figure it out" Mary said, as if that would solve all his problems.
"Figure it out? What kind of an answer is that?"
"The one I'm giving you."
"Well, I don't think it was very constructive" Sheldon muttered, wondering what on Earth he had done to deserve a mother who wouldn't even come over and help him sew a silly pair of pants. She should be grateful he came to her for advice!
"That's too bad but it is what it is. Baby, you're the smartest person I know. You'll come up with something. Don't y'all kids have that Guggle thing now?"
"Google."
"It's what I said? Anyway, I need to get back to my pecan pie, I'm having company. God bless you sweetheart" Mary cooed lovingly, and Sheldon rolled his eyes at her, grateful she couldn't see him.
"Thank you. Good bye mother."
"Bye Shelly. Say hi to Amy for me."
"I will."
He hung up the phone, once again groaning out loud. This was nothing short of scandalous! His mother would bake her boyfriend (oh yeah, Sheldon knew what she meant by 'company', he wasn't completely clueless) a pecan pie but she wouldn't fly from Texas to California to help him with something that was clearly of much higher importance.
"Gaaah!" Sheldon cried out, overwhelmed with frustration.
Much like thousands of designers, scientists, artists, and politicians before him had done when faced with the realization that they wouldn't be able to make deadline, he did the only thing that was left to do: scooped up all his drawings and the one-legged leotard, threw them in the trash bin and went to order Chinese food.
Three days, five phone calls, and one very tedious drive through Pasadena - (Really, what was it with Leonard and those Black Eyed Beans…Peas….Haricot Verts?) in search of a substitute for the costume he had planned on making for Amy - later, Sheldon entered Amy's building feeling both excited and slightly disappointed. The bag he was carrying did contain the necessary equipment for what he had planned for their Sleepover Night, but he'd been forced to change his plans once he realized the sewing machine had beat him in the third round and no seamstress would take on this last minute job despite him informing them that the future of mankind depended on whether or not this mission succeeded. Thus he arranged for the Janome SMD 2000 to be sent to the Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un's private residence in North Korea where it would (hopefully) continue to work its evil ways, and got on the bus to his girlfriend's house.
As he stood outside the apartment he shifted his weight from one foot to the other and balled his hand into a fist, raising it to knock on the door to announce his arrival.
Knock, knock, knock – "Amy!"
Knock, knock, knock – "Amy!"
Knock, knock, knock – "Amy!"
He could hear the sound of her footsteps behind the door, and when she opened it he couldn't help but smile despite having gone through such trouble for her sake only to fail. Seeing her only served to fuel his enthusiasm for their impending mission, and suddenly it didn't seem to matter that he'd been forced to rethink his initial plan.
"Hi" she grinned, standing aside to let him in.
"Good evening" he replied, feeling his heartrate elevate as he stepped into the hallway, clutching his bag almost protectively. He was so excited he could barely stand still on the spot, urging her to hurry up and follow him into the living room.
"You look happy" Amy noted as she closed the door behind them, wondering what on Earth could have gotten Sheldon so worked up. Maybe she should have slept on it before she signed her fate over to a man with an IQ of 187 and a recorded history of purchasing explosives and hacking into military super computers. Sheldon kind of had the same look on his face as he did every time Darth Vader was about to blow up Alderaan which was not a good thing considering Sheldon had always been an avid supporter of the Empire.
"Your powers of observation never fail to amaze me. Come on Amy, sit down and bask in the gentle glow that is my genius" Sheldon proclaimed, as were he a king speaking to his subjects. He gestured with his hand at the couch and Amy reluctantly sat down, clasping her hands in her lap.
Sheldon let out something that was not quite a squeal but not quite a laugh either, which caused droplets of sweat to break out on Amy's upper lip. This was it. This was her boyfriend paying her back for sticking a needle through his earlobe. She swallowed hard as Sheldon, much as she had the week before, opened his overnight bag to pick out whatever torture device he was planning on using on her to make sure she never pulled such a stunt again. Was it the original Star Trek movie with six hours of additional commentary? A contract stating she had to address him as Sheldon the Great and Powerful for the next ten years? A vegemite sandwich?
"Sheldon, maybe we should talk about this before-" Amy began, helplessly trying to find a way to back out of this.
"…so I called your assistant at work and she told me this was your size" Sheldon cut her off, having rambled while she'd been busy imagining all kinds of disastrous outcomes of this evening, "though it has to be pointed out that the original plan was to make us costumes. But unfortunately I had to… revise that plan" he coughed, hoping she wouldn't think he was being unimaginative. He cocked his head curiously to the side as he noticed Amy's eyes were tightly shut.
"Amy?" he asked tentatively, "Aren't you gonna try it on?"
Amy opened her eyes, spotting a very confused-looking Sheldon holding out what looked to be a white lab-coat in front of him.
"I didn't, I mean… I… Sure, sure" she stammered, shooting up to her feet and holding out her arms so Sheldon could put the coat on her. She spun around to model it for him, forcing herself to smile.
"Perfect!" Sheldon enthused, digging around in his bag to pick out his own matching lab-coat, "Now we can commence our preparations!"
"What preparations?" Amy asked as she sat down once again, trying not to look like someone had just put a shotgun to her face.
Sheldon took a seat next to her, still smiling brightly as he began unpacking his bag.
"The preparations to launch our careers as the world's first Evil Genius Duo" Sheldon exclaimed as he unpacked what appeared to be a basic chemistry kit and some sort of guidebook, patting them affectionately after he placed them on the coffee table.
"Evil Genius-what now?" Amy let out weakly, rubbing her forehead as she tried to figure out what the hell was going on inside that bulbous brain of his.
"Amy, all my life I have waited for the opportunity to embrace my fate as the future ruler of this planet and seek out revenge on all of those who have wronged me in the past. I brought a list and I suggest you study it while I make us cocoa, I think we could both use a hot beverage. Anyway, I needed an accomplice but sadly enough my intellect is unrivaled… I would have asked Leonard a long time ago but I don't have to explain why he's ill-suited for the position… But you on the other hand – you're perfect" Sheldon explained, his eyes shining as he shared his master plan with her.
Amy's mouth hung open. Sheldon wasn't quite sure what that meant but seeing as his idea was so glorious, it had to mean she was so amazed she couldn't speak and was eager to hear more about this fantastic idea of his.
"My first idea was that we'd arrange to be bitten by radioactive spiders and thus gain super powers but since that experiment is still purely theoretical and the super villain costumes I was making for us didn't… I mean, since something came up, I thought we'd settle for Evil Genius Duo" he continued, tugging at his lab coat while awaiting the enthusiastic response from Amy that was sure to come.
"I'm not taking over the world with you Sheldon" Amy stated flatly, finally finding her voice again.
Sheldon's smile was instantly replaced with what Amy now knew was his pouty face.
"But Amy, you said I could choose the activity this time and I brought coats and a handbook and-"
"I know Sheldon but I've put my plans on world domination on the shelf. I've come to realize my powers can only be used for good, not evil."
"That's not what you told me three years ago."
"What can I say? People change."
Amy watched Sheldon as he sank back against the couch, looking like a child who had just been told he hadn't finished his dinner so therefore he couldn't have dessert.
Oh, be still her heart! It was one of the most beautiful things anyone had ever said to her! To include her in his plans, no matter how malign and no matter how many innocent civilians might be sacrificed along their path to total hegemony… But if these Sleepover Nights weren't going to be all about Sheldon's future plans to conquer the world, she needed to take it down a notch.
"I love the idea" she let out softly, nudging his thigh with her knee. "What if we had a secret club? I never got to be in one of those as a kid. We could go on adventures together, and have secret meetings… We could still wear the lab coats?" she coaxed, trying to get him to look up.
"A genius club?" Sheldon mumbled, his arms crossed over his chest.
"Just you and me. We'd set up Head Quarters, instate an Honor Code…"
"…Design a flag, compose an anthem…" Sheldon filled in, his eyes sparkling once again. His chest heaved as his initial enthusiasm returned to him.
"Anything you want" Amy exhaled, she too warming up to the idea. It was true, she'd longed to belong as a child, as she suspected Sheldon had too, and what could be better than them creating their own secret society?
"I'll go make us some cocoa" Sheldon grinned, rising from the couch to head over to the kitchen. Suddenly he stopped dead in his tracks, turning to look at Amy who raised her eyebrow in confusion.
"What is it Sheldon?" she asked, worried he was having second thoughts.
"It's just that there's something I really wanted to say. I've been looking forward to it all week… and I've waited all my life to say it" Sheldon sighed, majestically staring out into what would have been the starry sky hadn't they been indoors.
Amy rolled her eyes, knowing exactly what was coming.
"I already told you I'm not doing that."
"Please, please, please Amy! Can't you just pretend that it's what we're doing? You know I can't tell the difference anyway" Sheldon pleaded with her, sticking out his plump bottom lip. Well that was it then. She couldn't resist him when he looked like that.
"Okay. I'll pretend" she relented, chuckling internally as he clapped his hands happily.
Sheldon cleared his throat, put on his best regal face, and held out his hand to her.
"Together we can rule the Galaxy" he bellowed, and it took all her will-power not to laugh. She accepted his hand, allowing him to pull her to him, giggling into his chest as he embraced her.
Sheldon rested his chin at the top of her head for a while, enjoying feeling tall and strong and like he could lift her up and carry her if he wanted to. Stupid romantic nonsense. But she was so small and soft, and her hair smelled like peaches, and he felt oddly powerful being so much bigger than her. Like he could stand between her and everything hurtful in this world.
Amy pulled back, still smiling as she looked into his eyes.
"I think this is where you're supposed to kiss me" she mumbled, biting her lip flirtatiously.
"Really?" Sheldon asked sincerely, a confused look on his face. "I've seen The Empire Strikes Back a total of 759 times and I don't recall Darth Vader kissing Luke Skywalker at the end of that scene…"
"You've forced me to watch it with you 35 times out of those 759 and I don't remember them hugging either…" Amy whispered, and pulled him down to press her lips against his.
'Well, she is right' Sheldon thought as he tilted his head slightly to the side to respond to her kiss. He let his hand slide lower onto her back until he could feel the waistband on her skirt through her pullover. It wasn't quite as low as he wanted to go. But it was as low as he dared to go for now.
He broke it off then, licking his lips as he looked down at his girlfriend, whose emerald eyes were still gazing longingly at him.
"I make the cocoa, you go set up Head Quarters?" Sheldon suggested, his hand still secured around her waist.
"Okay!" Amy agreed, and he let go of her to allow her to dart off to her bedroom, presumably to gather…whatever one might need to set up camp. He'd never had any friends as a child, let alone been the member of a band of adventurers, so he had absolutely no idea what she might have in mind. Perhaps a new blanket fort?
It wasn't a blanket fort. It wasn't a tree fort. It wasn't a fort of any kind.
It was two mattresses and a couple of pillows and blankets spread out on the floor in front of the TV.
"Go change into your pajamas Sheldon, I'll make us some sandwiches. Is the cocoa ready?" Amy asked when she had finished setting up camp, donning a nightgown and the lab coat Sheldon had brought her.
"That's Head Quarters?" Sheldon asked suspiciously, nudging his head in the direction of the fluffy pile on the floor.
"Yes. We can pull the blankets over our heads like a tent and watch movies" Amy replied excitedly, gently shoving him out of the way to take the cocoa off the stove.
"But I thought we'd compose an anthem and draw up protocol and defend our grounds against intruders?" Sheldon whined as he watched Amy pick out condiments from the fridge and cut up a loaf of bread.
"This is just our first meeting Sheldon! Heroes need to eat too, don't they?"
He contemplated this for a while, his rumbling stomach backing her up.
"I suppose you're right. So wait, we're the heroes now? Because I'll have to get a new guidebook if we are."
"I told you Sheldon, I can only do good. Now shoo, shoo, I'm almost done with dinner" Amy told him, motioning with her hand for him to go do as he was told.
Once he'd recovered from his initial disappointment Sheldon came to the conclusion that this primitive set up was quite satisfactory, even fun, and Amy had surprised him by renting the Goonies on Netflix which they both agreed was the best secret club-band of brothers-adventure film of all time, and so he sipped his cocoa and felt proud of himself for coming up with such a great activity for Sleepover Night. Although this had been Amy's idea. But he thought of it first.
"Shouldn't we come up with a name for our club?" Sheldon asked as he munched on the popcorn Amy had made for them when they'd finished the sandwiches. After starting out ambitiously by sitting with their legs crossed with the blankets pulled over their heads they'd both agreed that they'd been more agile and flexible when they were children and that individuals over the age of 30 were entitled to (or perhaps just in dire need of) some lumbar support. Piling up the pillows against the couch they'd leaned back while simultaneously letting out a guttural groan of pleasure, agreeing that this was a much more satisfactory arrangement.
"I guess that would be a good start. Do you have any suggestions? I always spend weeks trying to come up with titles for articles and papers" Amy admitted, recalling the time when she'd published a report titled Rat Brains all too well. Well what the hell did people expect from her? She was a neurobiologist, not an author.
"Sheldon's and Amy's Superior League of Scientists?" Sheldon offered, tasting the words as he spoke them out loud.
"SASLS?"
"It funny because it sounds like Zazzles. You know, my cat" the lanky man giggled, feeling a wave of affection for the cuddly animal he'd once called his companion.
"I remember. But given your history on going overboard with this feline fascination thing, I'd think it better if we avoided anything affined with small- to medium sized predators."
"Einstein's Angels then?"
"I don't know… How about Sheldon's and Amy's Band of Brainiacs?"
"Brainiac? Isn't that a derogatory term for genius?"
"It's called 'reclaiming', Sheldon. To take back a word once used to belittle us, and make it ours" Amy argued, channeling her inner Harvey Milk.
"Ah, what is it with you and dabbling into the social sciences? I thought we'd been through this before" Sheldon sighed, helping himself to another fistful of popcorn.
"Come on, what do you say? I think it has a nice ring to it."
"The Band of Brainiacs? I suppose I enjoy the musical quality of it… Alright then, all in favor for the decision? Yea or Nay?"
"Yea" Amy called out happily, bumping her shoulder into his.
"Yea" Sheldon repeated, and that's how it came to pass when Sheldon and Amy formed a secret society, an event that would lead to a life-changing decision on Sheldon's part. But not in that very instant, because Sheldon still held a grudge against his petite companion, one he had decided to nurture in solitude.
The two members of this newly founded club for self-admiration spent the upcoming hour watching the rest of the movie in silence, both deeply submerged in thought. Both of them had independently come to the conclusion that none of them had any memories of having done something like this before – none of them had ever snuggled up on the floor in front of the TV with a friend or sibling, and none of them had been allowed into any social groups or blanket forts or play dens. This was completely new. Everything about their relationship was new.
"You know that list you brought?" Amy said at last, remembering something Sheldon had said earlier. "I have one of those too."
"Really?" Sheldon asked, turning to look at her.
"Mhm. I started it when I was 16. I swore I'd get back at Tina Robertson one day for yanking out the Kleenex from my bra in front of the whole class back in '94" Amy muttered, not mentioning all the rotting bio-matter she'd sent Tina through the mail over the years. Having access to a laboratory wasn't without its perks.
"I've organized my list chronologically. I'd start with Billy Sparks and work my way up to Barry Kripke. Oh, the things I have planned for him…" Sheldon rumbled diabolically, rubbing his hands together as his eyes turned mysteriously black, and Amy could swear ominous music was playing in the background. Trying her best to suppress the uncomfortable notion that many of Sheldon's personality traits were alarmingly interchangeable with the criteria for antisocial personality disorder, a.k.a psychopathy, Amy cleared her throat to try to steer back the conversation to less illegal waters.
"I think… you know when I was younger I just wanted to be included. And as I grew older I found myself hoping that things would turn out bad for them. Like, they'd be unsuccessful or never marry or, you know… get mysteriously run over by a car in a dark alley" she began, coughing a little as she was swept away in her fantasy for a second. "But now… I just feel like the best thing we can do to get back at them is to be happy. To let them know that they never got to us."
"What kind of hippy-dippy drivel is that? I'd be positively thrilled if Billy Sparks was sent back in time to be eaten alive by a Tyrannosaurus" Sheldon snorted, shaking his head at his girlfriend. "So by your logic, I would be getting back at them because his death would make me happy. Right?"
"Well I… Alright, yes. But we're not killing Billy Sparks Sheldon, and that's final."
"But-"
"No. We have our Band of Brainiacs now, we should be able to come up with a more civilized method of revenge. Besides, that's not the kind of happiness I was referring to. I meant… the one you feel when you've realized that there are more important things in life than all the wrong people have done to you. When you've found something that makes you want to move forward and find your own place, like… a source of joy. You know…" Amy tried to explain, making strange motions with her hands.
"Like what we have together?" Sheldon filled in, watching her as her hands fell to her lap in surprise.
"Yeah" she exhaled, her heart thumping loudly in her chest, "Like what we have."
"Hmm" Sheldon nodded, his gaze turning inwards as if he were trying to work something out. Amy glanced at the clock on the wall, realizing it was way past Sheldon's bedtime and that she was exhausted after a long hard day at work and too much cocoa and popcorn. She contemplated asking him if she could sleep in the living room with him, or better yet if he wanted to join her in her bedroom, but something told her that this wasn't the right time. Instead she turned to her boyfriend, grabbing his hand to yank him out of his thoughts.
"I'm going to bed now Sheldon" she informed him, cocking her head to the side curiously as she noticed Sheldon still appeared to be a million miles away.
"Okay" he exhaled, his facial expression blank.
"Do you want me to call you so we can talk on the phone before we fall asleep?" Amy asked tentatively, wondering what could have gotten into his head now to render him so quiet.
Sheldon slowly shook his head no, which just sent another wave of confusion through the petite brunette.
"No… no you go to sleep. I'll be okay here."
"You sure?"
"Yeah… Yeah I'm sure."
Amy nodded, smiling a little as she leaned forward and placed a tender kiss on Sheldon's vaulted eyebrow.
"Good night Sheldon" she whispered, rising from the floor to make her way to her bedroom.
"Good night Amy" Sheldon whispered back, the sound from the TV nearly drenching his voice. He watched her as she closed the door to her bedroom behind her, his left hand gently rubbing the spot where her lips had touched his skin.
He burrowed himself in the soft pile of pillows and blankets, not bothering to turn off the TV. He'd always been slightly scared of the dark and felt uncomfortable sleeping in new places. Although he'd been with Amy for five years so her apartment hardly qualified as a 'new place'.
He'd nearly fallen asleep when his phone rang, the entire mattress vibrating as he'd forgotten to put it on the side table. Wiping the drool from the corner of his mouth he slid his thumb over the screen to answer.
"I said you didn't need to call" he told the woman he called his significant other.
"I know but there was something I forgot to say" Amy said, her voice deep and full, like it always was when she talked to him in bed.
Sheldon rubbed his eyes, turning to lie on his back.
"Alright, but you really need to work on your listening skills" he lectured her, not able to resist the chance to pique her for waking him up just as he'd managed to get to rest.
"Fair enough" Amy agreed, and he could hear her shift position, probably to lie on her side as he knew she preferred. She wasn't the only one to have learned things in that blanket fort.
"I just wanted to say that there are more ways to rule the world than by conquering it… And I'd be honored to stand by your side as you figure them out" she told him sincerely, and her words tugged at something deep within him, that thing that had been slowly growing stronger these past few years.
"Thank you" he let out weakly, unable to find the right words – as if there were any.
"Go to sleep now Sheldon. And turn off the TV" Amy reminded him playfully, and almost out of its own volition his hand grabbed the remote control and turned off the screen with the flickering images, and the room went pitch black.
"It's off" Sheldon mumbled, finding comfort in her voice. Maybe he'd be able to fall asleep after all.
"Good. Night night."
"'Night" he murmured, hanging up the phone and fumbling around in the dark for a moment until he found one of the side tables and placed the device on top of it.
Just like that. Just like that she had washed away that disappointment he'd felt when she'd turned his offer down, that grudge he'd held against her all night despite all the fun they'd had. Just like that she had convinced him that there really was only one decision to be made, one that had been at the back of his head for months, one that he'd gone back and forth on – one that he now with absolute certainty and every fiber of his being knew was right.
Turning over to go back to sleep his thoughts went to all that money he had saved in the bank – that, which he'd been planning on using to buy himself robot eyes and reinforce his skeleton with adamantium.
He could afford to put those plans on the shelf for a few years.
Thanks for reading and reviewing! I hope you're all excited for next week's installment! If the idea of the Shamy founding a club together is something that appeals to you I suggest you check out April in Paris's Book Club-series - a true piece of art!
-YlvaBorealis