"With the passing of each year the odds against me ever forging a full relationship lengthened as I felt myself less and less practiced in the arts of love and less and less confident about how I would ever go about finding a partner, even supposing that I wanted one. There was just so much to do."
- Stephen Fry
The whiteboard stared at him with measured contempt.
"An IQ of 187 eh?" it snickered derisively, "and a bunch of titles and degrees no one in this degenerated society of advanced apes gives a damn about? Well allow me to applaud you, Doctor Cooper. I'll bet people bow their heads to you, what with you knowing how to calculate how long it takes for the milk to turn your breakfast cereal into sludge and all."
"I'm a theoretical physicist" Sheldon protested, "I have a working knowledge of everything in this Universe."
"That's cute. Bet that gets you laid."
"My girlfriend has expressed the desire to copulate with me on multiple occasions-"
"HAH! It's so funny when you take things literally. It's like a greyhound chasing a toy bunny. I should charge people to come and watch the spectacle… Maybe I could finally get that beach house in Boca."
"What would a whiteboard do with a beach house in Boca?" Sheldon asked confusedly, ignoring the tiny voice at the back of his head that was telling him he was dangerously close to confirming once and for all that the doctor who told his mother he wasn't crazy had been a little too fond of his own prescription pad.
"Sheldon please stop it, my jaw muscles are cramping" the whiteboard laughed disdainfully, slapping itself on the knees.
"You're an inanimate object, you don't have jaw muscles" Sheldon spat out, grabbing his eraser to wipe out the calculations he'd drawn all over it. "I'm putting you back now, I don't need your help."
"You say that every time and yet you always return to me. Admit it Cooper - it feels so right when you put your marker against me… it's like being poked with a love stick. You like it… I like it" the board whispered seductively as Sheldon carried it to the closet and slammed the door shut.
"I don't need you!" Sheldon shouted out loud, eliciting a sigh from his roommate Leonard who was slumped down in the armchair watching TV.
"Sheldon, we've been through this. If you don't want people to think you're insane you shouldn't tell off the furniture" he staccato-ed, his tired tone revealing this was hardly the first time Sheldon had been in a quarrel with his working tools.
"I wasn't telling off the furniture, I was telling off my whiteboard" Sheldon corrected as he made his way around the couch to take a seat in his assigned spot. Leonard shrugged, lazily shifting position to prop himself up on his elbow.
Sheldon squirmed uncomfortably, still somewhat miffed that he'd spent the entire prevening calculating and weighing pros and cons only to have his most trusted adjunct laugh in his face. It wasn't their first fallout - neither was it to be their last – but he had been in dire need of answers and now it was all for naught. Given Leonard's history on the subject Sheldon had been reluctant to ask him, but now it appeared he had no choice. At the same time there was something about the short, bespectacled man that evoked a sense of calm within the lanky physicist. Perhaps this was his best option after all.
"Leonard" Sheldon began, nervously fiddling with his hands, "I require your assistance."
"If you want tomato soup you can make it yourself Sheldon, I'm not getting out of this chair."
"Not that kind of assistance Leonard, although I do feel compelled to remind you that according to the Roommate Agreement you're required to prepare tomato soup for me whenever I ask for it. But that set aside, I'm not hungry and I don't require any favors at the moment. I need your advice" Sheldon explained, watching his friend as he slowly turned to him, his eyebrows raised in surprise.
"…Alright" he nodded, "let me just turn off the TV." He grabbed the remote control and pressed the 'off' button, chucking it onto the coffee table and leaning back in his armchair. "So what do need help with?" he asked, studying his tall friend who looked uncharacteristically skittish.
Sheldon licked his bottom lip, feeling his heart pound against his ribcage. It wasn't like him to be this insecure. He'd lived his life almost entirely without inhibitions, and would gladly share details about his bathroom routines and health status with anyone who cared (and anyone who didn't care for that matter) to listen, but this… This was big. Very big. Godzilla-trampling-down-Tokyo-big.
"Do you remember when I decided to watch 'Smallville' and waited ten years to see Clark Kent fly?" Sheldon began, thinking it might be best to ease into it.
"I do" Leonard nodded, waiting patiently for him to make his point.
"Mm… good, good" Sheldon mumbled, scrunching his eyebrows as he tried to figure out where to go from there. "So that was a big commitment."
"Definitely, I mean I couldn't imagine the level of determination it takes to actually stick 'til the end. I would have given up after season five" Leonard confessed, assuming Sheldon wanted his advice on whether or not he should start watching whatever was new on Syfy.
"Indeed… So one could say I'm somewhat of an expert on commitment" Sheldon continued, rolling his thumbs as he looked down into his lap.
"I'd say it's damn hard to get you not to commit to stuff" Leonard muttered, thinking of their extensive (and restrictive) roommate agreement and Sheldon's aversion to change. Sheldon was the only known human being (and his status as such was wildly debated amongst scientists) on the planet known to have evolved from leeches and not small predatory primates.
"It is one of my finer qualities, I agree" Sheldon smiled, still observing his thumbs as he rolled them, his complex mind painting itself into a corner as he began drifting from his original thought. Luckily, Leonard threw out a life-preserver for him to grab on to. It may have been an anchor. The sight tended to be poor on stormy seas.
"Just tell me what you want Sheldon" Leonard grumbled, having lost his patience.
Sheldon snapped to attention at that, sighing despondently as he realized he couldn't keep procrastinating.
"You know how sometimes when… a person finds themselves wanting something that they've previously claimed to….not want… Because they didn't think that they would ever… And social convention dictates one should-…that is to say when a person feels a certain way about another person, they-"
"SHELDON!"
"Okay, okay. Fine. Go over to my desk and open the top drawer."
Leonard cocked his head to the side confusedly, but got up from his seat and made his way over to Sheldon's work station.
"What exactly am I looking for?" he asked as he pulled out the drawer.
"You will know when you see it."
Leonard bent over to peep behind the neatly stacked pile of papers and the equally neatly arranged basket of markers, noticing something small and box-shaped in the far right corner. Suddenly he gasped, sticking in his hand to pick up the black jewelry box. His eyes were the size of saucers as he turned to face Sheldon, looking down again only to gasp a second time as he opened the lid.
"Do you think she'll like it?" Sheldon asked quietly, unable to decipher Leonard's facial expression.
"I... guess that's not a diamond drill bit" Leonard stammered as he kept staring at the engagement ring, slowly making his way over to the armchair to take a seat opposite his friend.
Sheldon snorted derisively, thinking it was just like Leonard to state the obvious.
"Of course it isn't. Now if we could get back to the issue at hand-"
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry" Leonard interrupted him, fanning himself as he struggled to keep his composure, "I just need to process this." He reached over to the side-table to yank out a tissue from the Kleenex-box, dabbing his eyes as his gaze remained locked on the ring, letting out the softest of sobs.
Sheldon rolled his eyes, feeling like he should have just allowed the whiteboard to keep mocking him. At least he had been getting results. Worthless results, yes, but results nonetheless.
"So anyway…" he continued, regarding Leonard with what could only be described as disgust as the shorter man blew his nose, "I need your help. I don't know how to do this. I need it to be perfect but everything I've come up with so far has either included monkeys or harp music and to be honest I don't really know how to work with either. What do you think I should do?"
"It's really simple" Leonard said as he stuffed the tissue into his pocket, eliciting another judging look from Sheldon, "you get down on one knee and say 'Amy, will you marry me?'"
"Because that's worked so well for you in the past" Sheldon muttered, referring to all the times Penny had turned down Leonard's proposals. It had taken her years to finally agree to marry him.
"…Touché. There's always that of course…" Leonard mumbled, knowing all too well how much it had hurt to be rejected. "But Amy's crazy about you Sheldon, I can't imagine she'd ever say no. No matter how you do it it'll be perfect for her. There's no need to overcomplicate things."
"So what you're saying is…I should just ask?" Sheldon let out carefully, accepting the jewelry box as Leonard handed it over to him. It felt oddly light in his hand, considering the weight of the commitment that came with it.
It had been a rainy day, and Sheldon had been cranky, and Amy had forgotten her purse at the restaurant where they'd had dinner, and the car had been parked several blocks away and his socks had been wet and he hated that. She'd stopped to admire something through the window of an antique store and he'd urged for her to get a move on. "It's so beautiful" she'd said, seemingly ignoring him. "They're pressurized carbon atoms Amy" he'd replied, tugging at her sleeve impatiently.
He could hardly believe his luck when he returned and found no one had bought it.
"Well, you could light some candles and make her a nice dinner" Leonard mused, tapping his lips with the tip of his index finger, "or take her out someplace fancy. I dunno. Romance her."
"Oh Leonard" Sheldon groaned, "That's probably the least original idea I've ever heard. I should think after all your failed attempts at asking Penny the same question you ought to be able to come up with something more creative than 'lighting candles' and 'fancy restaurants'."
"Hey! She said yes... eventually."
"Technically she didn't. You did."
Leonard groaned and buried his face in his hands, fighting the urge to storm off and leave Sheldon to deal with his problems on his own.
"Just… just do what feels right Sheldon" he let out at last, after taking a few slow steady breaths, "there's no way you can get this wrong. You got her a rock the size of Jupiter for Christ's sake."
"Jupiter isn't made of rock, Jupiter is a gas giant."
"I said the size of."
"Noted."
Both men leaned back in their respective seats, Sheldon sighing as he put the box down on the coffee table. Leonard crossed his arms over his chest, regarding his friend who seemed genuinely troubled. Well this was certainly unexpected. While Leonard knew that Amy had previously expressed the desire to take hers and Sheldon's relationship to the next level, he'd imagined they'd start out with something less… traditional and legally binding. Like getting a joint ant farm. Or something less demanding… like a poster of a kitten.
"So…" Leonard said at last, grinning smugly and poking Sheldon's leg with his foot ("Leonard, I just washed these pants!") "A ring, huh?"
"Mhm" Sheldon nodded, clasping his hands in his lap.
"And these sleepovers…?" Leonard asked, making awkward motions with his hands.
Sheldon slowly turned to his bespectacled companion, contemplating whether he should pretend not to understand what Leonard was hinting at or if he should just put his cards on the table. The truth was it had been on his mind a lot lately, especially since he'd decided to propose.
He shook his head no, swallowing hard as he shifted in his seat. "No, we…. We haven't."
"Oh" Leonard let out flatly, furrowing his brows as he tried to come up with something to say. "Are you… I mean… Maybe it's none of my business but…"
"It's not" Sheldon interrupted him, instantly regretting it as he noticed Leonard cringing at the harshness of his tone. He sighed, rubbing his temple to alleviate the pain from the massive pressure that had built up in his veins. "I'm…. I'm still working on it" he admitted to his friend, his voice trembling somewhat, "but I'm getting there… I think."
"You want to marry her but you don't know if you'll ever sleep with her?" Leonard asked doubtfully, squinting behind his dark-rimmed glasses.
Sheldon looked at him as if the question made absolutely no sense to him whatsoever. Of course he wanted to marry her.
He didn't need to sleep with her to know that he loved her.
Love however is a peculiar thing, something that Sheldon had become increasingly aware of these past few weeks. Love had left him with an inflamed left earlobe and a gaping hole in his bank account, not to mention that it had put him in a terribly awkward position with the sales manager at the pharmacy (there'd been an incident surrounding a pack of condoms and a sales clerk threatening to press charges that could have gotten really ugly hadn't the sales manager recognized Sheldon as a regular), and Sheldon was already banned from all the drug stores within a 3 mile radius from Los Robles so now he had to tell Leonard he'd have to refill his inhalers elsewhere. Needless to say he left the store with no more latex than he'd arrived with, which he chose to accept as a sign, and thus he decided to swing by the hobby store instead before getting on the bus to Amy's apartment.
"Am I to assume the Band of Brainiacs will be making an appearance tonight?" Amy asked as she let him in upon his arrival, noticing he was wearing the lab coat from their Sleepover Night two weeks prior.
"You are absolutely correct Amy Farrah Fowler" Sheldon chirped as he tossed a smaller-sized lab coat in her direction, "tonight is the night when everything comes full circle. Be a lamb and put on some music will you? I'm in the mood for Klingon Opera."
Amy watched him bemusedly as she put on her white lab coat, shaking her head at his unabashed enthusiasm. She made her way over to her book shelf in search of the CD he'd given her for Valentine's Day three years prior, hoping he wouldn't notice the dust on the cover as she picked it out from the deepest darkest corner behind the 1939 World Atlas she'd inherited from one of her great aunts. Sheldon was too immerged in whatever he was doing to pay attention however, and so she quickly brushed it off before padding over to her computer to pop it in the CD slot.
"We want to be able to hold a conversation, don't we?" she coughed apologetically as Sheldon motioned with his hand for her to turn up the volume. "Fair enough" Sheldon agreed, eliciting a soft sigh of relief from his girlfriend. One small victory…
"I'm making bite-sized burgers for dinner" Amy informed the lanky physicist as she sat down next to him, craning her neck to peep into the bag he'd brought with him. Glitter? Cellophane? What in Marie Curie's name…
"Did you get bacon, cheese, and barbeque sauce?" Sheldon asked hopefully, feeling a surge at the pit of his stomach. He really should start bringing snacks to work.
"Of course. And your favorite lemonade" Amy smiled, reaching out to gently pat his knee.
"Eek!" Sheldon squealed, jumping up and down in his seat with excitement before returning to his bag. "So, moving on to tonight's activity…" he began, enjoying falling into routine, "I hope you have your old year books and school photo catalogues stored somewhere within these premises?"
"They're in my closet" Amy confirmed, "but it would have been wise of you to call first should they have been in the basement or at my mother's."
"I'll bear that in mind 'til next time" Sheldon nodded as he picked out glue and something that looked like lipstick and scented markers from his black bag. As much as Amy's IQ nearly matched that of her megalomaniac boyfriend's she couldn't for the life of her figure out just what he had planned for the evening. Her coffee table was beginning to look like something you'd find in the creative room at a pre-school for future ballerinas, and as far as she was aware Sheldon hated everything related to dance and large groups of children. But then again the element of surprise was part of this experience, and one she'd come to appreciate at that, and so she decided to leave the tall lanky man to his sequins and head over to the kitchen to tend to the burgers.
"I want the bacon, cheese, and barbeque sauce on the side!" Sheldon called out to her as the scent from the cooking meat patties began spreading through the apartment.
"I know!" Amy called back, rolling her eyes as she flipped burgers and dressed buns with salad and tomatoes.
"Well one can never be sure. Your body might have been possessed by some sort of alien entity pretending to be you for all I know. It's always best to be prepared for everything" Sheldon argued as the petite neurobiologist sat down a large glass of lemonade in front of him, raising his eyebrows knowingly at her as she simply shook her head.
"Everything is possible Sheldon, that's very true, but I assure you no strangers have been inside my body this evening. And certainly no aliens" Amy told him as she returned a second time with a plate of steaming hot bite-sized burgers. Condiments on the side for him, melting cheese and dripping of chili mayo for her.
"I'm not convinced it's possible for such a primitive species as the Homo Sapiens to make something as delicious as this" Sheldon pressed out through a mouthful of cheeseburger, closing his eyes as he savored the wonderfully unhealthy flavor. Ah, that sweet, sweet feeling of arteries clogging.
"Well I'm not just a Homo Sapiens now, am I?" Amy corrected him coyly as she too delved into her dinner.
"No… no you're not" Sheldon agreed quietly, diverting his gaze to hide the smile at the corner of his mouth. No, she certainly wasn't. She was like him: an Enlightened One. His future, past, and present, the one and only person who could lick chili mayo from her hair in front of him without earning herself the mother of all strikes, a smart-mouthed seductress in sensible footwear. He thought of the jewelry box and knew she deserved perfection – how ironic it was that he'd spent all this time not listening to her when she'd shared her views on romance, now that he could have used the information!
"Damn straight I ain't. Would a Homo Sapiens have made chocolate cupcakes for dessert? I think not" Amy reasoned, nudging her head for Sheldon to help her clear the table.
"How fortunate for the people of this planet to have been blessed with not only one but two Homines Novi" Sheldon sighed contently as he put a capsule in the Nespresso machine to make Amy a cup of coffee.
"Indeed. So are you gonna tell me what we're doing tonight? Is it some sort of art project?" Amy asked as they returned to the table with their respective drinks and dessert plates.
"Oh Amy, Amy, Amy" Sheldon lilted as he raised his mug to take a sip of his chamomile tea. "You cannot imagine what I had to endure in order to gain access to the information required to go through with tonight's activity. The pain when you drove the needle through my ear was nothing, nothing compared to this."
Amy furrowed her brow, suddenly feeling the need to take a huge bite of her chocolate cupcake.
"Now you're making me worried" she mumbled hesitantly, wondering what kind of top secret governmental hard drive Sheldon had hacked into this time. Although she couldn't think of anything lethal one could construct with pink wrapping string and multi-colored beads, she was very sure her boyfriend could.
"Ah, women. You've talked to my mother, haven't you? I try to buy yellow-cake uranium once and-"
"No, no, no, no, no. I'm not worried, okay? I take it back. Just tell me what we're doing or I swear I'm putting the rest of the cupcakes in the fridge" Amy threatened, effectively shutting him up long enough for him to cool off a bit.
"Alright" he said after Amy once again reassured him she was completely calm, "I think it's time for us to set things straight once and for all. I've done some extensive research, forcing myself to sit through one of the most awful movies I've ever seen in my entire life… But it spoke to me Amy. It told me the truth. I should have done this a long, long time ago."
"…What?" Amy exhaled weakly, her voice barely above a whisper. Sheldon stared at her. She stared back.
"We…" he rumbled ominously, "are making a Burn Book."
He slammed down a heavy white booklet at the last syllable, almost tipping over Amy's coffee cup in the process. Amy's hand shot to her heart, the softest of gasps escaping her lips.
"Sheldon, watch it" she cried out, picking up the coffee cup to check for spills.
"What say you Amy? Please don't tell me I watched 'Mean Girls' for nothing. Isn't it a wonderful idea?" Sheldon enthused, eagerly awaiting her reaction.
"I would say it is but I have absolutely no idea what a Burn Book is" Amy confessed, yanking out a tissue from the box to wipe her mug and the coffee table.
"But I… I thought you'd… Alright fine, I'll explain it to you. From what I gathered from the movie it's about back talking people you dislike and those who have done you wrong. Imagine all those bullies in school Amy, all those people… So each one of these people gets a chapter of their own with their picture and information about them that could be used to their disadvantage, reasons why we dislike them etc… And we decorate the whole thing and gather around it weekly to remind ourselves of why we hate these people so much. Now you must tell me it's a wonderful idea!" Sheldon explained, biting his lip excitedly as he once again gazed at Amy with those hopeful baby blues.
"I…." Amy stuttered, not sure what to think of this. "We said we'd let it go Sheldon. I don't really understand the point of all this."
"But Amy, think about it! Think about Tina Robertson and the Kleenex, and your cousin who took you to the prom but wouldn't dance with you… Don't they deserve to be Burned?" Sheldon insisted, clasping the booklet to his chest. "It would be just between us… The Band of Brainiacs" he coaxed gently, tilting his head to the side because he knew she thought it made him look sweet and innocent.
"They do deserve it" Amy rumbled, her eyes suddenly turning black. Oh those mean, mean girls, and that awful cousin of hers, and all the kids on her block who wouldn't let her play with them.
"Alright" she agreed, "let's do it. I'll go get my year books."
"I can't tell you how happy you've just made me!" Sheldon rejoiced, uncapping one of the scented markers to begin work on the initial design as Amy went to her bedroom to get the catalogues from her closet.
"I suggest you start by scanning the pictures you would like to use first so you don't have to ruin the originals" Sheldon told Amy as she returned carrying three heavy books and one picture catalogue.
"It's alright" Amy said as she dumped the items on the coffee table, "there's no point in saving these anyway. I'll just cut out the original pictures."
Sheldon shrugged, handing over a pair of scissors and a sheet of cellophane, motioning for her to cut out whatever shapes she wanted to use for decoration.
They worked in silence for a while, gluing and painting and cutting, Amy folding pink cellophane into roses ("That's some wonderful origami Amy! Too bad to waste it on all these morons") and Sheldon spilling glitter all over the front cover. "That's alright" Amy said, "We'll just call it patina."
Eventually they were finished, and time came to choose which unfortunate souls were to be included in this juvenile Malleus Maleficarum, both of them agreeing they would only insert information about the very worst of their enemies as it would take far too long to include all of them.
"Billy Sparks" Sheldon growled as he glued the picture of a fair-haired man to the first page. It appeared to have been printed out from a Facebook account. "Stealer of homework and prober of bodily orifices. My research tells me you cheat on your wife and have three illegitimate children. I desperately hope you get caught." He wrote furiously while he spoke, ending the quote by pressing the pen so hard against the paper it almost penetrated it.
"Your turn" he told Amy, handing the pen over to her.
"Oh hum, alright… Uh… Tina Robertson. I have breasts now. How's that you skank? I saw your picture in the family pages last year and I know there's no way those knockers are real. I hope they burst in your sleep."
They both giggled like children, decorating the chapters with kissy lips and cut-out pictures from a magazine Amy had brought with her from her bedroom.
"Andrea Wilkinson. Leslie Winkle. My stupid older brother. Barry Kripke" Sheldon snarled, inserting pictures and information with each name. "Barry. Dear colleague. My beloved arch-nemesis. You keep me up at night with your superior math and your ulterior motives. May your efforts never be rewarded and may your future progeny inherit your speech impediment but not your intellect." He felt his hand tremble as he smoothened the edges of the black and white photograph, the resentment boiling in his chest. He handed the booklet over to Amy, who was breathing heavily.
"Dad", she croaked, "if you only knew how many times I've asked mom to tell me your name. Maybe she doesn't remember and just doesn't want to admit it… But apparently I have your eyes. I hope you have a wife and children somewhere and that no one else has ever had to feel the way I have because of you." She let out a few shaky breaths as she spoke, swallowing hard as she finished composing her entry.
There was no picture. Just Amy's neat handwriting and a few glossy silver hearts and stars that Sheldon glued onto the page as he tried to come up with something to say.
"This isn't funny anymore" Amy mumbled and slammed the book shut, very nearly squashing Sheldon's fingers as she did so.
"Ah! Amy!" he hissed, pulling his hand to him protectively. She didn't seem to notice though, and for a second Sheldon feared he had somehow upset her. He just couldn't bear to see her sad – especially if he was the reason she was crying. But she wasn't crying now, and somehow that made him feel even worse – how would he make it better if he didn't know what was wrong or how she felt?
Eventually she spoke, but her words only served to confuse him even more.
"Come" she said, grabbing his hand and the pink frilly Burn Book.
"Wha-…Amy, where are we going?" Sheldon yelped as she yanked him out of his seat, pulling him towards the hallway. "Stay here" she ordered once they reached the front door, leaving him with his befuddlement and the booklet which now was starting to look quite silly. Pink cellophane? What had he been thinking?
He angled his upper body to the left, spotting his girlfriend as she rummaged through her desk drawers. At last she appeared to have found what she was looking for, slamming the drawer shut and stomping her way back to Sheldon whose eyes were wide with fear and confusion.
"Let's go" Amy declared, once again grabbing her boyfriend's hand, dragging him behind her as she made her way out of the door and through the corridor to the elevator.
"Amy, while research does indicate that people make their most rational decisions when upset or angry, I'm not sure it's such a good idea for you to act in haste" Sheldon stammered as they went down the building towards the ground floor. Boy, was this space cramped. He'd never liked elevators (well, that wasn't entirely true. He liked the technology behind the elevator. As long as he didn't have to get inside one), and Amy's uncharacteristic demeanor made him nervous. Very, very nervous.
Suddenly he felt her arm around his waist, and he looked down only to find her glimmering green eyes gazing back at him.
"Trust me" she whispered, reaching up to softly kiss the tip of his nose. She pinched it lovingly before grabbing his hand again as the elevator announced their arrival at the ground floor with a high pitched "ping!", leading her still somewhat dubious boyfriend out on the patio in front of the building.
"Go and see if you can find some dry twigs and sticks" Amy instructed, pointing at some sad-looking shrubs that had been planted along the concrete wall to remind the residents never to hope for better. Sheldon opened and closed his mouth a few times as if trying to tell her something, but no sound escaped his lips. Amy sighed, realizing it had been a stupid thing to ask.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked you to dig around in the dirt. I'll get it" she soothed him, getting down on her knees in front of the shrubs to search for dead wood and leaves.
"Amy, we're gonna get arrested for this" Sheldon let out shakily as she began arranging the twigs on the ground in a neat pile, realizing what it was that she was making. He wrapped his arms around his body, looking around as if afraid someone was watching. Dear lord, this was it. He'd be sent to prison for sure.
"Relax Sheldon, I'll tell them it was my idea" Amy assured him, picking out a box of matches and some rugged shreds of an old newspaper from her back pocket, lighting a match and setting the paper on fire before tossing it onto the pile of twigs. Soon her little bonfire was crackling and coughing out little puffs of smoke, and the primeval smell of burning wood tickled Sheldon's nostrils.
"Give me the book" Amy demanded, and he dared not defy her, handing it over as were he afraid it would somehow spontaneously combust.
"Billy Sparks" Amy mumbled as she opened the book to look at the first page. "He beat you up every day on your way to school, didn't he?"
"Before school, in school, after school" Sheldon whispered, his arms still firmly wrapped around his lanky frame.
"Well, screw him" Amy barked, ripping out the page and scrunching it into a ball before tossing it into the fire.
"Amy!" Sheldon gasped, both his hands shooting to his mouth.
"Leslie Winkle" Amy continued, ignoring his whimpering and stammering pleas, "she enjoys belittling your work, doesn't she? She touches your whiteboard and insults you in front of your boss."
"She calls me names in front of everybody" Sheldon whispered through his hand, cringing as she ripped out yet another page from the book.
"Screw her too!" his girlfriend exclaimed, banishing the little lump to the flames.
She tore out page after page, fueling the fire and exiling enemy after enemy to her improvised pyre.
"Barry Kripke…" she said at last, looking up at Sheldon who didn't know if he should run away or start crying, "and… and my father." She bent her head to stare at the book, which was now significantly thinner.
"Screw them. Screw them all!" she snarled, tossing the entire booklet into the fire, sending sparks and ashes in all directions.
"Amy, my pant leg" Sheldon howled, frantically shaking his foot as a tiny glowing ember almost set his khakis on fire. "What are you… what's gotten into you?" he cried out, watching his girlfriend who really did seem to have been possessed by some sort of alien entity.
"All these people… All these people, haunting us, diminishing us… for what? Because we're not like them? Because we somehow by just existing managed to upset them so much that they felt the need to beat us, and tease us, and tell us nobody was ever going to want us? How can we stand here in our mid 30's and still allow them to dictate how we should lead our lives? They can all go to hell! We have each other now! Didn't you say so?" Amy proclaimed, the last syllable sounding more like a sobbing plea.
He thought of what was in his top drawer. He thought of the pink telephone. He thought of how he never wanted her to leave.
"Yes… Yes we have each other now" he exhaled, slowly letting his arms fall to his sides.
She stared at him for a second, the tiny bonfire burning on the ground behind her, her breaths coming out in strained whiffs. Suddenly she took three quick steps into his personal space, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him down in a searing kiss. He could feel her teeth clunking into his as he opened his mouth to let her in, his hands finding her waist and her fingers digging into his flesh. It hurt and yet it didn't, just like so many things about her.
Her breasts pressed into his chest and her lips sought out his hungrily, desperately, not at all like when they'd been kissing in his room. Her tongue probed his mouth almost forcefully and yet he responded, as if he couldn't get enough, and the sound of her sobs turned into moans of pleasure.
There it was below the small of her back: the line of her skirt, and he wanted to reach lower, lower still, but something held him back, and a wave of frustration hit him. How could he want something so badly when he was so terribly afraid of it?
Suddenly she pulled back, appearing almost shocked at the boldness of her own move.
Sheldon looked at her, at her blushing cheeks, at the swell of her breasts, at her glasses that were slightly askew, and just as he was about to ask her to spend the rest of her life with him he realized he hadn't brought the ring. It just couldn't be true. An IQ of 187 and he'd forgotten to bring the blasted ring. What he wouldn't give to be struck by lightning in that instant!
"Let's put this out and go back inside" Amy said at last, cutting him off in his self-deprecation. "I'm really tired."
They had to get water from the laundry room in order to extinguish the surprisingly persistent little bonfire but at last they stumbled in through the front door to Amy's apartment, both feeling emotionally drained. Sheldon was deeply submerged in thought, feeling slightly robbed of what would have been the perfect opportunity to propose. Now he didn't know how he would work up the courage to ask a second time. Not that he'd actually asked but he'd been prepared to. And now he was back at square one.
After having finished their respective nightly ablutions the time came to bid each other goodnight. Amy was busy searching through her closet for clean bedsheets and a pillow for Sheldon, and failed to notice he was standing in the doorway watching her.
"You don't have to do that" the lanky man let out softly, startling her as he did so.
"Don't be silly Sheldon, you'll get a crick in your neck if you sleep on the couch without a pillow" Amy lectured gently, cocking her head to the side in confusion as he slowly approached her.
"No, I mean…" he began, struggling to find the words, "I mean I could… I could sleep here. You know, with… with you."
He gazed at her hopefully, praying that the look on her face was that of pleasant surprise and not the other kind.
"In… in my bed? With me?" Amy asked, hardly believing this was happening.
"If you want" Sheldon exhaled, shyly clasping her hand in his.
"More than anything" she whispered, squeezing his hand gently, quietly following him as he led her to the bed.
I thank you all for reading and reviewing, and will get back to all of you personally. To those of you reviewing as guests: thank you.
The books and songs mentioned in this story so far:
Time after Time by Cyndi Lauper
Heroes by David Bowie
Les dernieres seront les premieres by Jean-Jacques Goldman (as performed by Céline Dion)
Beautiful People by Simon Doonan
and
The Fry Chronicles by Stephen Fry