Note: I make no assumptions as to how Danse would handle heartbreak. Go go gadget outer shell?
"Danse?"
He pulled himself out of his thoughts, staring at the rolling water around the Mahkra fish-packing factory. Looked over the beach toward Ruiz, who was reloading her rifle with a well-practiced motion and looking out of the side of her eyes at him.
She'd brought him northeast, away from the denser areas. The crowded feel at Sanctuary Hills had been getting on her nerves, she said. He'd wondered if she was merely using it as a pretense to get him alone and away from the people he wouldn't share his thoughts with.
The previous night had been spent in the settlements clinging to the seaside cliff nearby. It was only an aside that they stopped at the factory, after a quick recon of the area showed a few dead raiders littering the outside. It was just as well they stopped into the place; it appeared to have been overrun and based on the equipment of the raiders, it could well prove a threat to the settlers on the coast.
"Danse?" she repeated, her voice becoming concerned.
"I'm sorry," he said, blinking. "Did you need something, Ruiz?"
"You look like you have something on your mind," she said, looking down the sights of her rifle at the water. She turned her head but kept the rifle up to her eye, raising an eyebrow at him.
Danse breathed slowly, moving his head to watch the ocean again. What had he been thinking about? Hadn't been able to concentrate for a long time. Trying to order his thoughts into coherence was difficult. Ever since...
He was a synth. The enemy. Everything about his existence was wrong. Him being alive was wrong. Never mind what he'd done in the past―never mind what he'd accomplished. It didn't matter. Not anymore.
The only thing that did matter to him... was Ruiz. The only reason he was alive. She said she needed him to keep her stable. She cared about him, even if he was an abomination, and he was―
Her friend. Whom she wanted to speak to, just as he'd wanted her to speak to her, about his problems. She was giving him the opportunity, right now. That was why she'd brought him all the way out to the coast.
Danse sighed, inwardly. Ruiz always seemed to know, when he needed to speak. Always made time for them to have a quiet moment, like when he'd brought up the topic of Cutler, or when he'd sought her opinion about Haylen.
He should have remembered that she was far more proficient at empathy, than he was. Even through her own trials, she'd always picked up on other people's feelings.
Until now, she'd given him the time he'd requested to think. And until now, he hadn't been ready to speak about it. He'd let his mind go over and over it―the why, the how. The... when, was especially disturbing in his mind. He hadn't made very much headway, thinking about it.
Ruiz made a curious noise as he turned back to her, gripping his rifle a little tighter. It was time to bring the matter to light, if Ruiz thought so.
"Something you need to say?" she asked.
"Yes," he said, carefully. "As a matter of fact, I do have something to say."
"What is it?" she asked. Ruiz lowered her rifle and stared at him, a thoughtful look on her face.
He hesitated, his mouth parting with unspoken words. He should borrow some of her brashness, to barrel through this problem. But it was not who he was. He supposed he could... speak the truth, but the truth was that he was angry.
Perhaps it would be better to let his anger show; he'd felt very angry over the last week. Angry at himself, angry at the Institute, angry at―at Maxson, for treating him so ill―
He'd even been angered at Ruiz, who had done nothing to earn his ire. She'd saved his damned life, and he felt angry for that. Saved the life of a synth, which she should rightly have ended. She thought she'd made the right choice. He respected that.
Even if she had saved him for a selfish purpose, he respected her decision. Respected her for fighting for him, though he was now certain he hadn't earned it.
"Are you... okay, Danse?" she asked, looking worried.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I really thought this would be easier to talk about."
She nodded. "Take your time, okay?"
"...I don't know where to start," he said, pressing his lips together. He didn't, really. Didn't want to let loose anger onto her that she didn't deserve.
"Whatever it is, I'll help you through it." She smiled at him gently, leaning her rifle on one shoulder and her hand on her hip.
"I don't know if anything will help me work through it." Danse shook his head and closed his eyes briefly.
Ruiz nodded. "I know the feeling," she muttered, sorely. "Come on, Danse. Out with it."
He wondered if she still felt as she had. The sadness. The uselessness of fighting for what she just couldn't have, the loneliness of losing her family. Wondered if that feeling ever went away, or if it stayed in one's person as a stain on their psyche.
The lie that was his memories... she, at least, had faith in her memories. He still couldn't trust that his own were real, or that he―as a synth, even―had been the entity that made those memories. Ruiz could understand his trouble. But he doubted she would truly comprehend it.
"In all honesty, you're the closest thing I have to a friend that I'm ever going to have out here." He sighed. "I... trust you. Given the nature of my true identity, that trust isn't something I can hand out lightly."
She nodded, turning her gaze away from him and staring at the ocean. "I know." He watched her green eyes catching the sun.
He couldn't lie to her. To keep the anger from showing―no matter what, she'd saved him. To tell her what he felt without the real emotions behind it would be a lie. And that was not something he wanted to stand for.
She'd earned his truth. If she could not stand to hear it, or stand by him through it, then she had every right to leave him by the wayside. It was the only outcome he could expect of this―idiotic pursuit of cake, which he wanted to have and to eat.
He wasn't sure he'd used the idiom correctly, but it stood as an example of who he was. A terribly appropriate way to express his difficult nature.
So be it.
"I've spent my entire life... or at least what I perceive as my life... following a plan to shape my own future," he started, his voice louder and more agitated than before. "But since my banishment, I feel lost... almost like I exist without purpose." He stared at her, watching her eyes widen in surprise.
"For the first time since that moment I signed up with the Brotherhood, I don't have all the answers. I don't have a plan." He breathed out through his nose, trying not to let his temper take control. "And it scares the hell out of me."
"...You have every right to be confused," she said, delicately. She shouldered her rifle, dropping her hand from her hip.
"You're damn right, I'm confused," he replied, bitterly. His voice lowered, hardening. "I'm a machine that thinks like a human who was trained to hunt the very thing I've become."
"Danse," she said, chiding him. "You can't let that..."
"You don't understand," Danse interrupted. "Everything I had, everything I knew is gone."
Ruiz sighed, painfully. "I..." she breathed, then stopped herself.
She was thinking about her time in Vault 111. He could see the emotion rolling across her face, while she remained silent. The long sleep that had been punctuated by the death of her husband, by the theft of her son. The awakening into a world that was nothing like what it should have been.
But those people, before the War... they knew what was happening, as it happened. Even Ruiz had known the world would someday come to an end for her family. She knew to go to the Vault, to protect them from the fallout. Her memories were real, and his were not.
"In the span of a few hours, my identity was ripped from me and my world turned upside-down," he continued. "At least what you had was something tangible... something real."
"Danse," she started, ruefully. "I―"
"Your husband, your son... they were living, breathing humans who loved you and cared for you," he interrupted, angrily. "I have no way to tell how much of my own past is artificial and how much is real. Can you even imagine that?"
"No." Ruiz stared at him with wet eyes, her voice cracking. "I can't."
"I started out as nothing, and I've ended up as nothing... and I don't know what the hell to do about it," he went on, the stress of the situation seeping into his voice.
"I'm truly sorry, Danse." Ruiz sighed and wiped her face. "I don't know what to say." She sniffed and smiled, dully. "...I really don't."
She stared blankly at his power armor for a moment, as he struggled to regain his composure. It wasn't as if he'd expected a cure-all from her. But now she was as lost as he was, about the matter―
Which was strange. Ruiz always knew what to say. The idea that she was put out by this matter brought other thoughts to his mind. Thoughts pertaining to the times when she hadn't been able to speak, before. When she was... far more emotional, as he was now.
He did not want to think about those feelings, right now. Hadn't dared to go any further in thinking about that, since they'd returned from the bunker and she'd spoken with Elder Maxson. The idea that she might harbor such feelings, for him, was unacceptable.
He was not a real person. He wasn't even the real Danse, no matter how much he might act like the man. Ruiz shouldn't attach herself to something false. She needed the real thing.
And... even though he was an artificial person, maybe he needed to work toward a more tangible goal. Maybe he would do better if... he accepted and moved on, as Ruiz had to when she found her son.
"Maybe I'm just missing the point," he said, trying to focus his thoughts. "My life's starting over, and I need to come to terms with everything I've lost and everything I've gained."
"Starting over?" Ruiz asked, her tone instantly suspicious. She flicked her eyes onto his, uneasily staring at him. "What does that mean?"
He paused, swallowed the lump in his throat. She was still worried he would leave. That didn't make it any easier for him to ignore―
"I hadn't intended to imply I was leaving," he said, cautiously. "I am only trying to... make sense of what has happened."
She didn't drop the uneasy expression, but nodded at him. "I don't blame you for being angry, Danse. You've lost so much." Her hands clenched into fists. "Everything that made you... you, is up for question. But―if you leave―if you walk away from everything you've done in the Commonwealth―" She closed her mouth hard, breathing out through her nose.
"You're right," he said, watching her. "I'm not giving up, not yet. I can't just walk away from everything and hope for the best."
Ruiz sighed and rubbed her eyes. "Honestly, that's what I did at the Institute," she said, her voice cracking a little. "You saw how that turned out."
"I understand," he agreed. Now that he had experienced something similar, the depths of her depression were not so difficult to grasp.
"I'm sorry, Danse. I know I shouldn't be so pushy. You have every right to... to do what you want to do. Even if it includes leaving." She blinked away the tears he had seen, gathering herself. "I hope it doesn't, though."
Danse nodded. "I don't intend to leave, Ruiz. I did say I wouldn't let you wander alone, without a brother in arms."
"I know," she said. She gave a funny smile, then, and glanced up at him sharply. She looked... relieved, even. He was unsure how to respond.
"...You know, you are like a brother to me, Danse," she said, lightly.
He must have been mad to think she might ever feel the same as she had about her husband, for a synth. Anything he felt would automatically be suspicious. "I wouldn't consider myself anything more," he said, surprised at himself.
"I never had any brothers," she said, her smile turning more friendly. "Or sisters."
"Those sons of bitches who created me couldn't even be bothered to implant memories of having siblings or parents," he said, more angrily than he intended. Why was he angry? He mulled the thought over, for a moment.
He was disappointed. He'd... hoped that he could be more, for her. Anything that he'd thought before, now flew out of his head and was replaced with a feeling of loss of that hope.
He'd been feeling that for the last week. It wasn't more stressful for him to add that to the impalpable pile of emotions he'd dealt with, recently.
But... Ruiz always knew what to say. And what she said next, made the feeling far less troublesome than it would have been.
"I gladly accept you as a real brother, regardless of what's happened, Danse." Ruiz put her hands on her hips again, throwing out her chin. "Proudly. As far as I'm concerned, you are my brother. And you've been the best of friends."
He was speechless for a moment. "I'll do everything I can to live up to it," he managed, feeling a swell of pride in his chest. That... explained everything. She had spoken for him, convinced Elder Maxson to leave him alive, she'd even cried real tears... she wanted him around, because she considered him family.
Family that she had lost, but now gained. As he had, in being banished from the Brotherhood. And he had gained new family, without even realizing it.
"I can't deny that I'm feeling closer to you than anyone else I've ever met," he said. "I had thought that was an error in programming."
"That's those damn human emotions showing," she laughed. "Pain in the ass, aren't they?" One corner of her mouth hooked up into a wry grin.
She was smiling. Pleasantly. Knowingly. Something he was glad to see, even if... the smile was not really for him. In fact, he had a fairly decent idea of who she was thinking about, especially related to those "damn human emotions" she'd referred to.
Danse had watched her for the past week, while she was in the Hills, when he wasn't trying to figure himself out. At first he hadn't seen the almost imperceptible change in her behavior. But he was a soldier, and he was trained to notice such small differences―
She'd returned with the former Gunner, favoring her arm after it had broken in a fall. She'd been smiling more frequently, a smile with an undertone of fear to it.
And MacCready―well, his attitude had been remarkably adjusted, compared to hers. No more jabs at Ruiz or the others, no more cocksure walking through the street. He'd closed himself off from the world, or so it appeared.
The former Gunner had been humbled. It was an astounding development, given the man's previously insufferable attitude.
As far as Danse could tell, something had happened between the two of them. What it was he couldn't say, but he knew Ruiz well enough and he'd seen the same smile on her face once before.
It was the same smile she'd shown him when she'd told him how she met Nate.
If she'd fallen in love with MacCready... if that was the way the situation was fated to end, then he could do nothing to stop it. He didn't particularly want to give her his approval either, but―
What should a good brother do, in this situation, beyond looking out for his sister?
Danse cleared his throat and fixed her with an amicable look. "I want to thank you for sticking by me, Ruiz. And I'd like to remind you that what I said before, still stands."
She looked up at him with a question in her eyes. "If you need me, I'll be here for you," he clarified.
"I told you, you wouldn't leave," she jibed, chuckling.
"I really can't, you know," he replied, much more seriously. "I would be remiss in my duties to leave you to the mercy of that foolish man."
Ruiz froze, her mouth opening into an "O" and her fingers tightening over the blue and yellow fabric at her hips. After a brief moment of stillness, she colored violently. "Dammit," she said, looking away from him in embarrassment.
"I am not inclined to let him live down my standards," Danse added, watching her struggle to form words. "Especially if I am to be considered family."
Ruiz burst into laughter, covering her face. "Oh, my God, Danse―"
He wasn't sure how to react. Ruiz moved closer to him, put her hands up, and placed them both onto the front of his power armor. "Thank you, Danse," she said, her face still as red as a Mutfruit. "I... well, really, just... Thanks. And, hell..." she dropped her hands to her sides, looking guilty. "If you've figured it out, I guess that means everyone else has, too."
"Being perceptive is a hallmark of a good soldier," he said, shrugging one shoulder. "I couldn't say whether or not the others have noticed your... affinity."
"Um," she said, turning her head and staring at the ocean, her face still stricken with the embarrassment. "Look, I haven't exactly told him―"
"My lips are sealed." Danse raised an eyebrow at her, though. "But, why haven't you?"
"I-I―" she stammered, one hand nervously picking at the leather belt she was wearing. "I'm not very good at that part," she said.
"Ruiz, you are one of the strongest people I know," he said, chastising her. "You convinced Elder Maxson to spare the life of a synth. But you can't talk to an ignoramus such as Mac―"
"When you want to open your heart for another person to set up shop," she snapped, but her voice softened as she continued, "sometimes... the door gets stuck shut."
The metaphor wasn't something he would necessarily understand. He had an idea as to why she had trouble, though. He had... thought the same, of himself, for a time. "You are concerned that existing feelings for your husband will be a problem?" he hazarded, raising an eyebrow.
Ruiz made a funny noise and lifted a hand, palm up, jabbing at the air. He nodded. "It would be ridiculous to expect of you not to feel something, Ruiz. Even MacCready should understand that. He must still feel something for the wife he lost, as well."
She blinked, then looked up at him with a surprised look. "I didn't think you knew about that," she said, almost whispering.
"If he hadn't told me, I would not have let him defuse you that afternoon at the Vault," Danse replied, as seriously as he could. Ruiz looked appropriately chastised, and he dropped the tone to a lighter one as he continued, "But if he doesn't understand, you can refer him to me."
"What?" she asked, baffled.
Danse smiled, widely. "If he refuses to listen..." He held up his rifle and cocked an eyebrow at her. "I will shoot him."
She sputtered out a laugh, then, and turned away. "Alright, alright," she chuckled. "C'mon, Danse. This place isn't gonna investigate itself."
He followed, dutifully. Part of him wished the young man would prove himself untrustworthy―as he so often had, in his past―but part of him wanted to see Ruiz obtain a satisfactory relationship with the man. She clearly wanted to love him, after all.
Damn human emotions.