TRIGGERS: Domestic violence scene in italics.

Chapter Five

Olivia got into the psych ward thanks to knowing the head Doctor and fell asleep in the chair next to Essence's bedside. She had watched her sleep for an hour and prayed that it wasn't too late for her to be the Mother she wanted to be.

Essence woke up and looked around. Her mind was still foggy but bits and pieces were coming to her. She looked over at Olivia and glared at her. She couldn't believe the woman had the nerve to be there. Hadn't she done enough?

Olivia startled and woke up. She couldn't help but smile because Essence really was her little clone. "I'm your Mother, I'm supposed to be here." She said.

"Right? Cause you have always been here for me..." Essence said.

Olivia sighed. This wasn't going to be easy. "What happened with your family?" She asked. That question was nagging the back of her mind. When she had gone through the adoption process she had met with the couple and they had assured her they wanted the baby.

"What always happens. They had a baby of their own and decided they didn't want me anymore so they gave me back..." Essence said quietly.

"Oh baby, I'm so sorry. If I had known..." Olivia said. She reached out to touch Essence's cheek but stopped when she noticed the girl cringe.

"It's whatever. Look, why are you still here?" Essence asked.

"It's because I love you." Olivia said in a very caring tone. "I never stopped loving you and I know you are very angry with me and I just hope that you will give me a chance."

Essence really didn't have anything to say to her. "Please just leave, you really need to give me time. You can't just walk back into my life after all these years and expect everything to be fine. Give me some time, okay?"

Olivia couldn't argue with what her daughter said to her. It was true. Essence needed time. So much has happed to her within the last day. Slamming this on her was the tip of the ice berg and blew her top off. Olivia walked out with her head up trying not to cry. She made her way out of the hospital into the cold brisk night. She pulled her cell phone and texted Alex that she was heading back to her place and left it at that. Olivia didn't want to go into detail about what was really all going on in a text message. She made her way down the sidewalk and over to her car. She opened the door and put her seatbelt on and pulled off. She couldn't get her mind to shut off and she knew for a fact that she wouldn't be sleeping that night. As Olivia pulled into her driveway she kind of imagined to herself what it would be like to have her child living at home with her. She has regretted every moment of everyday giving her up. She walked up to her door and unlocked to get in. She made sure it was locked behind her before she walked into her bedroom. She put on her fleece comfy clothes and cuddled up into bed to only be left tossing and turning. She just wanted an ease of mind but knew that wasn't going to happen anytime soon until things were at least somewhat okay.

Hours had passed and she just wasn't able to close her eyes. She jumped out of bed and walked over to the bathroom to take a long hot bath and even lit some candles. She put on relaxation music. She hoped so badly this would work. Her own thoughts were going to drive her mental. She dipped her body down into the hot water with the Jacuzzi jets on. She felt her muscles finally begin to relax but no matter how hard she tried the thoughts just wouldn't stop. So much guilt rampaged over her. She couldn't take it anymore. She had to fix this no matter what it took. She leaned over to grab her cell phone and dialed Alex. After a few rings, she was so thankful she answered. "Alex, I need you over here now, please."

Alex could hear the urgency in her voice. "I will be right there." Alex walked over to her UGG boots and grabbed her car keys on her nightstand and headed immediately to Olivia's apartment. She hoped and prayed Olivia wouldn't do anything to hurt herself because she knew deep down she wasn't dealing with any part of this situation well at all.

Olivia pulled her knees up to her chest and began to cry. All she could see was the look of pain on her child's face as she told her how she wound up back in the system. She was really beating herself up over that one. That couple had promised her they would take care of her baby and love her as their own. 'What a crock of shit!' She thought. She became so lost in her thoughts she didn't even notice the water turn cold or hear Alex come in.

Alex had arrived and knocked on the door. She waited five minutes before she got worried and used the key that was hidden in the horse statue to let herself in. When she found Olivia shivering and crying in the bathtub she knew it was going to be a long night. "Come on Liv, the water's cold. Let's get you into some clothes." She said as she helped Olivia stand. She draped a towel over her shoulders and started drying her hair with another one.

Olivia took the towel that was draped over her shoulders and tied it in a knot over her chest. "Thank you for coming." She said.

"Of course. Now go put some clothes on." Alex said gently nudging Olivia out of her bathroom and into her bedroom.

Olivia was a wreck.

"Liv what are these old scars?"Alex asked when she caught a glimpse of Olivia's body. Olivia didn't want to go there. Not right now. "Alex not right now..."

Alex became worried. So many thoughts wondered in her head would they could be. 'Was she in an abusive relationship? Did she do this to herself,? No she couldn't have. That isn't like her.' It began to bug her. She wished she would just tell her.

Olivia grabbed a sweatshirt and a pair of sweatpants. She was still shivering so she curled up under her comforter and turned the opposite direction of Alex.

"Honey please talk to me, please don't do this to yourself. Maybe it's a good idea to talk to someone about all this. Maybe have that family session. She's upset Liv, a lot has happened. She doesn't mean what she is saying. Essence is lashing out because she hurts." Alex said.

Olivia knew she was right. She turned over to face Alex and put her head on her lap.

Alex took her hand and softly stroked her hair.

"Alex, I'm so lost. I don't know what to do anymore. Those scars you seen... Brian, he got physical but it was only once. It was over the baby. He threw me into the nightstand." Olivia said softly.

Alex hid her gasp under her breath. She wanted to go find Brian Cassidy and kick his ass but she remembered she had never met him. By the time she became SVU's DA he was already gone.

Olivia remembered that day like it was yesterday...

She had just called Brian over. She couldn't wait to tell him the news. The second he knocked on the door, she yanked it open. He leaned in for a kiss and she grabbed his hands and lead him to the couch.

"What's going on?" Brian asked.

"I took a pregnancy test today." Olivia said.

"Oh?" Brian said.

"I'm pregnant!" Olivia said excitedly.

"Dammit!" Brian said. He raked his hands through his hair. "When are you gonna get rid of it?"

Olivia's happy mood immediately evaporated. She stood up and crossed the room. She placed her hands on her still flat stomach. "Get rid of it? Brian, I want to keep it." She said.

"It's gonna ruin everything!" Brian growled. He got up and walked over to Olivia and roughly shook her. "You can't do this to me! Everything was perfect until you got yourself pregnant!"

"I seem to remember you being an equal participant the night we left Malonies together!" Olivia said.

The next thing she knew Brian slapped her across the face. "I'm not asking you Olivia. Get rid of it."

"No! And you know what? That is the last time you will ever touch me. See yourself out!" Olivia said. She couldn't believe he slapped her. She headed for her bedroom.

Brian grabbed her from behind by her hair. "So you think you're just going to break up with me and trap me with child support?! You bitch!" He said before throwing her, full force, into her nightstand and storming out.

Olivia snapped back to it and flinched the minute Alex touched her shoulder. "Liv, honey are you ok?"

Olivia could barely hear her but managed to let out a small hum and nod. She cried on her lap. She had never told anyone about that before. "Alex, I have never told anyone that before...and it's to late to press charges on him, he almost made me miscarry."

Alex's heart broke for Olivia.

"Alex I love you, I really do. I don't want to hide it anymore. I just want to be honest with you. You have been nothing but so nice to me and open arms of comfort."

Alex smiled a little. "Liv honey I love you to and I am not going anywhere." Alex curled up under the comforters with her and wrapped her arms around her. Held her tightly to reassure her that she was never going to leave her. Before she knew the brunette had fell asleep with her head on her chest. In that moment for just even a few hours everything seemed like it would be ok.