The next day Solana allowed me to go outside, simply telling me to take it easy as she walked back toward her other patients in the chantry. By then she had realized how hard headed I was so I took her lack of resistance as acceptance of that fact. Curious as to how Bodahn and Sandal were doing, I decided to stop by to see the dwarves before I left.
Sandal was sitting on a crate, staring at Bodahn as he slept. That's creepy, I thought as I moved to stand beside him. He noticed me and looked up, smiled then looked back to Bodahn.
"He's sleeping," he whispered. Looking Bodahn over I saw his injuries were healing nicely, the lacerations I could see on his arms were scarred pink but no swelling was apparent. I smiled, happy he was resting comfortably.
"When he wakes up please tell him I stopped to say hello," I whispered and touched Sandal's shoulder. As he looked up at me with that huge grin I gave him a wink and headed for the door.
Grinning, I slowly opened the doors to the chantry and stepped outside. The sun felt glorious on my face so I rolled up my sleeves to expose my arms and held them out to soak it all in. I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath in through my nose and I exhaled slowly out through my mouth, releasing all of the tension from the last 24 hours through that breath. I dropped my arms to my sides and proceeded down the steps to the courtyard where everyone was sparring and target shooting.
Trying to stay out of everyone's way I skirted the group and headed down to the docks. My first time being out I wanted to sit by the water and think. With Denerim being a sea port the ocean had been the one constant in my life. Whenever I had doubts, questions or worries, the ocean was always there to calm and center me. Lake Calenhad isn't the ocean, I thought to myself as I sat down on the dock, taking off my shoes and socks to dip my bare feet into the water. It will have to do. Stretching my neck and facing the sun, I closed my eyes and let my mind clear.
I need to deal with these memories, I thought. Pushing everything from NY aside, I focused on Ferelden. The distant memories are ok, nothing too traumatic. I had brothers and they were asses at various points in our lives but they were still brothers. Nothing unusual there. Some memories of mother, she died when Caden and I were young but the clearest memory I had was of her hair. It was long, golden blonde and smelled of lilacs. After she passed Father did his best to raise us (got the best nannies) and, all things considered, we turned out ok. Then the memory of when Caden left came up.
He and Father had been fighting for weeks. I asked them both what was going on and neither would speak of it, so I went to Vaughan. He would just brush it off, as if it was just another argument between them that would blow over. I knew better. Knowing Caden as well as I knew myself, I saw that the anger in him would ultimately drive him away. That was why the morning we all came down to breakfast and Caden was nowhere to be found I was not surprised. I knew the night before, without him telling me, that he was leaving.
I never did get too many of the specifics but I knew Caden was interested in becoming a Warden. Being the third child (Vaughan was the oldest (the heir) and I was born first (the spare)) his life had not been decided for him. Not content to float away into oblivion, Caden decided he wanted a life of service as far away from Denerim (and the name Kendalls) as possible. The Wardens fit that profile perfectly. He could station anywhere in Thedas and kill all the darkspawn he could find. The kind of life he'd always dreamed of.
So the night he left he went straight to the Warden stronghold in Denerim to become a Warden. Father made things difficult, delaying his ascension, but eventually (a few years later) he went through the joining with Alistair, Jaden and one other who didn't make it. He was then stationed with Duncan in Denerim and a few months later, the darkspawn started creeping to the surface. But while all this was going on…
I was attacked.
I remembered Garrett Wulff, he was a handsome one with brown eyes and darker brown hair. Big and muscled like his father, he was just the perfect amount of girth to make me swoon. I was thrilled when we were promised, as was he, so we took every opportunity to spend time together. He was normally the one to make the trek for visits, being the suitor, so he had a room of his own in the guest wing of our estate. The same room he was staying in that night.
After dinner we feigned exhaustion, blaming the sparring we had done in the yard that day, and excused ourselves early. Vaughan knew better but said nothing, just gave Garrett a glare and me a smile. After I arrived at my bedroom door I doubled back, peeked to make sure no one was looking, and ran out to the courtyard to meet Garrett.
We walked around, laughed, held hands, even shared kisses under the moonlight. Finally we decided to hit the taverns down on the docks. I loved going down there, it made me forget who I was and it was the best way to hear all the juicy gossip in Denerim. Then there were the stories! Some of the sailors had been on the sea for decades and told the most amazing tales. I used to sit there for hours listening to one or another, dreaming of what it would be like to have an adventure of my own.
Then the evening wound down and Garrett got belligerent so I collected him and we left. I decided to cut through the Alienage to get him home faster; he was fading fast and there was no way I was going to carry him. As we were sneaking through Garrett was getting louder. I clamped my hand over his mouth and looked ahead of us. My jaw dropped, along with my hand.
Six elves were standing in our path, a few holding wooden mallets for weapons, staring us down. I stopped dead in my tracks.
"What do we do now?" I whispered as Garrett pushed me behind him.
"Beat it knife ears!" he yelled as he put up his fists. He teetered, then, regaining his balance, he puffed out his chest. "Out of our way, do you know who I am?"
"Yep," the one in the middle said as they stalked toward us, "you're a shem." My heart started pounding as I backed away from the scene. I didn't want to run and leave Garrett alone but I wasn't sure we could take them all on. I looked around for anything I could use as a weapon. Finding nothing, I felt a whimper escape my throat.
It only took three of them a moment to take Garrett to the ground, knocking him unconscious. As those three were picking through his pockets, the other three glared at me. I dug into my dress folds and yanked out my coin purse, extending it toward them.
"Take it, please," I pleaded, "just take it. I won't say anything to anyone, I promise!" I started to scream as they surrounded me. Grabbing at my clothes, they started ripping them off me, laughing, as they pushed me to the ground…
And so it began, I thought, as I picked up a pebble to drop it into the water. First there were the ripples which over time gained strength, becoming waves. Then waves grew, slowly becoming the tsunami that would try to decimate the entire alienage…
Vaughan.
As I sat on the dock, still deep in thought, I felt someone sit down next to me. I looked over to see Alistair with some dried ham in one hand and cheese in the other. I smirked, elbowing him in the side.
"I take it the ham is for me?" I asked, quirking my eyebrow.
"Ha ha, you really are funny, aren't you?" he asked as he handed me a bit of both on a piece of cloth. "I know how to share." I accepted the food and unconsciously rested my head on his shoulder, as if out of habit. He then rested his cheek on my head briefly, making my stomach do a little flip, and turned to his food. Trying to regain some control I sat up and cleared my throat.
"I was just remembering parts of my past," I said, trying to forget what just happened, "I had no idea there would be so much, I can't believe I thought I was from another world." I smiled as I lifted my head to look at him. He had a mouth full of something and smiled softly making me grin. "I would miss you if you decided you didn't want me around, you know," I said sadly as I took an edge off the cheese in front of me. I felt his elbow nudge me as he fought to swallow.
"What are you talking about? Of course I want you around, you silly woman," he joked, then looked at me with a concerned expression. "What would make you think that I wouldn't want you around?" I sighed.
"I think there's a lot to tell you," I said as I stared down at the food in my hands, suddenly losing my appetite. I heard him huff and I looked at him to see his expression go serious.
"You realize that Caden and I went through the Joining together," he asked slowly and I nodded, "then you should understand that we are very close. I confide in him things that I wouldn't tell another soul, and he confides in me." He let that sink in as he took another bite. I looked down at my food and grabbed another edge of cheese, nibbling on it.
"So if something were to bother him," I asked softly, almost afraid of the answer, "he would share it with you? Something about me?" I couldn't look him in the eye as the panic rose in my chest. I felt him shift the position he was sitting in and heard him clear his throat. Sighing, I turned to look at him.
The man sitting next to me was not the man I met at Ostagar. The man I met there was quiet, reserved, shy to a fault and couldn't assert himself on a fly unless it had the taint. This man, the man sitting next to me right now was reserved but not from a lack of confidence. Facing me, he was cross legged, leaning an elbow on his knee and cupping his chin in his hand. The look on his face was calm, serene even, his templar training coming through. He was confident and even seemed content. As I continued to look at him my heart started beating faster. I noticed he had a tan line from his armor that disappeared under his shirt at the shoulder. Distracted by it, I wanted to trace it with my finger to find out where it led…
"Like I told you the first night after Lothering," he whispered as he leaned in closer to me, "you'd be surprised what I know." And with that he smiled this smile, a smile I had never seen on another man before. It was like something that belonged on a magazine cover with the title 'Sexiest Man Alive'. I wanted to just put my hands on his face, pull him in and kiss him until our lips turned purple. Remembering what we were talking about I shook my head slightly and looked back up at him.
"So you know about what happened," I said hesitantly. He nodded. "And…"
"And yes," he whispered as he pushed a lock of hair away from my face. I whimpered, looking down at the food in my hands again.
"What have I done?" I whispered as I felt the guilt tear at my insides. "I let my brother terrorize elves, PEOPLE, for something that was not anyone's fault but my own. We shouldn't have gone through there; it was so late at night. And Vaughan was so angry when he found out, I tried to stop him," I continued to whisper as I looked up at Alistair, "but he was so angry. I didn't know HOW to stop him." I put my food down on the dock and held my head in my hands. "Maker I am so WEAK!" I felt Alistair's large hand grab my head and bring it to his chest, scooping me up and into his lap with his other arm and holding me tight.
"Don't do that," he said, "It is not your fault." I felt the tears start as I leaned into his chest, him comforting me for the second time. I thought about that for a moment, what I was doing. I'm sitting in a man's lap that I met just days ago crying like a child. Why is he comforting me, why should he care? I asked myself. And then the disappointing thought popped into my head. He's not doing this for me. He's doing this for Caden, because I'm his sister and he feels obligated.
"Oh Alistair," I said as I pulled away, "I shouldn't push my problems onto you. I'm sorry, you shouldn't waste your time." I stood up and turned away from him.
"The last time I checked," he said thoughtfully as he stood, "I was able to make decisions for myself. So if I DECIDE I want you to push your problems onto me…" he paused as he took my chin in his hand gently then sighed, shaking his head. "Kora, you have to realize that Caden is the closest thing to a brother that I have. And you are important to him. That makes you important to me. That and…" I waited, but all I got was a blush from him. I raised an eyebrow.
"And?" I asked. He laughed, releasing my chin then grabbing for the back of his neck and blushing.
"No, nothing, sorry. I mis-spoke. Oh, you didn't finish your lunch, are you going to eat that?" He looked away but I moved into his view.
"No, no, you were going to say something." I looked at him expectantly then smiled sweetly, batting my eyelashes just enough as to not seem intentional. He smiled, clearly embarrassed, then let out a deep sigh and squared his shoulders.
"AND you're beautiful." As soon as he said it he clamped his mouth shut and stood stock still. My heart jumped into my throat. I did NOT expect THAT to come out of his mouth. I stared at him, waiting for his expression to change, for him to smirk or laugh, say it was a joke, but he didn't move a muscle. Then his words settled into my brain.
All of my doubts, all of my worries about myself and my past just disappeared with that one phrase. It was as if a cloud lifted from my very soul, letting the light back in. He took every bad memory and pounded it to dust with just those few words. I wonder if he realizes the power he has over me, I thought to myself. I almost shed a tear.
"You think I'm beautiful?" I asked, practically whispering. He seemed to relax a bit and smirked.
"Of course, and you know it!" he said as he looked me up and down. "You're beautiful, intelligent, resourceful, and all those other things you'd probably hit me for not saying." He looked away for a moment as a thought hit him. "Wait, CADEN may actually hit me for saying them. Don't tell him, please? I bruise easily!" he joked as he pretended to be terrified and I laughed.
"I… " I was at a loss for words. I could still feel my heart in my throat and had to swallow it down. "I don't know what to say, Alistair." He took a step back and put up his hands.
"Don't worry," he said sheepishly, "Not a big deal, being speechless. I'll just be going." He turned to walk away but I grabbed his arm.
"Wait, Alistair…" I could feel my hand shaking as I gripped his shirt. He looked at it then took both of them into his.
"Kora, what's wrong?" he asked, obviously concerned. "You're trembling! I should get you back to the chantry. You've obviously overdone it, you should still be resting."
I started to laugh, I couldn't help it. He truly had no idea the effect he had on me. Here I was, after his declaration nervous as hell just being near him, and he thought my reaction was because I was still weak from my injury. The man is OBLIVIOUS, I thought to myself.
"Alistair," I said as I calmed myself, "it's not that." I smiled up at him, watching his face turn from concern to confusion.
"Why would you be shaking like that? Come on, I'm taking you back to Solana." He scooped me up gently into his arms and started carrying me back to the chantry. My whole body instantly warmed from being handled so intimately by him. I took a breath to steady myself.
"Alistair, stop," I demanded. He stopped in his tracks. "Put me down." He gently put my feet to the ground then steadied me before releasing me. I looked up into his beautiful brown eyes.
I had no idea how to tell him what was going through my head. What words could properly convey my feelings without sounding like an over eager stalker, I asked myself as I stood there, staring into those eyes. I realized there were no words, nothing I could say that would make him understand. So I had to resort to the next best thing.
I took his cheek in my hand and pushed myself up onto the tips of my toes, closing my eyes. Gently I placed my lips on his, inhaling his scent and nearly coming undone. Control, CONTROL, I thought, as I released him and rolled back onto my heels. I looked up at him, trying to gauge his reaction.
His eyes were closed, slowly opening to look into mine. Then, just as slowly, a blush crept up his neck and overtook his face. I smiled softly, waiting for him to say something.
"There you are!" Cailan called out from behind Alistair. We both jumped away from the other like they were on fire but in his excitement Cailan failed to notice. "Everyone from the circle is back and they are all upstairs in Eamon's room right now. Are you coming?" He looked from Alistair to me, then back to Alistair. I looked at Alistair who was apparently still in shock, then smiled at Cailan.
"Yes, let's go," I said as I turned to Alistair. He just stood there, staring at Cailan. I slapped his arm and pointed to the castle. "Let's go?" I asked and he came around, nodding and motioning for me to go first.
We entered the castle and went upstairs toward Arl Eamon's bedroom where the mages were all gathered, as well as Duncan, Elissa, Morrigan, Brock and Jaden.
When we entered the room we turned to face the scene as it unfolded in front of us. There were four mages standing in a square formation around another who appeared to be in some sort of a trance lying on the floor. As they were humming and chanting I glanced at Alistair standing next to me. That was utterly stupid, I said to myself. What if he just said I was beautiful to make me feel better? Way to go idiot. I turned my attention back to the mages.
About 15 minutes later the mage on the floor seemed to rouse from their trance. As the eldest of the mages knelt to check him he smiled happily.
"The demon is dead, the boy will survive," he said as everyone breathed a sigh of relief, some even hooting and hollering their happiness and praise. I smiled up at Cailan who smiled warmly back at me, putting an arm around my shoulders briefly to give me a gentle squeeze. Then I turned to Alistair. He must have noticed I was looking at him so he gave me a small smile but turned back to the watch rest of the group. I felt my heart twist into a knot; kissing him was obviously a mistake.
"Thank you, thank you all!" Isolde carried on as she cried her eyes out. She was every bit the Orlesian too, blonde hair tied back into a tight bun with sculpted curls framing her face and a fancy red dress with beads and crystals sewn into it. I'm sure her thanks were sincere; it was her only child after all, but the outfit? Mourning my ass, I thought as I looked away. Cailan caught my look and smirked.
"She has that effect on everyone," he whispered to me as I smirked back at him.
"I believe it," I said and walked out of the room to give the family time together.
Downstairs, I stopped in the main hall and took a breath. All I could think about was Alistair and what I had just done, knots forming in my stomach.
"Idiot," I said aloud to myself as I shook my head. "What the hell were you thinking?" I slapped myself in the forehead and went outside.
I needed some air.