"Oh dear," Leliana shook her head. She, Elissa, Solana and I were sitting at the fire in the room Isolde had offered us inside the castle, chatting like teenage girls. There were two wing back chairs, both crushed red velvet, that Elissa and I had perched in as well as a matching chaise lounge that Leliana and Solana had stretched out on as soon as we walked in. We were giggling and gossiping after our baths, relaxing in our borrowed nightgowns, and drinking our glasses of red wine (open bottle plus one on the coffee table in front of us). I had just told them about my blunder with Alistair earlier that day so of course Leliana was all over that.
"Oh no, wait! It gets better," I said a little louder than I wanted to. I cleared my throat and lowered my voice. "Then along comes Cailan." Elissa started laughing hysterically.
"Oh yes, our overly sexy and enticing King of Ferelden," she said as she waved her arms wide. "Maker, he is almost beautiful but he was such a tit when we were growing up." I nearly spit out my wine.
"I'll tell him you said so!" I teased as I reached for the bottle to refill my glass. The other women laughed harder.
"So wait," Solana giggled as she tried to get back on subject, "what about Cailan?" I rolled my eyes.
"Well, apparently I'm going to be the Arlessa of Denerim." I said slowly as the realization of what that meant hit me again. I shook my head. "He really must be desperate to put me in that position." I felt Elissa slap my arm.
"You will be a wonderful Arlessa!" she practically shouted. "Shit, a darkspawn would be better than Vaughan." I slapped her back, smiling.
"Thanks for the support! Remind me to make you the Hero of the Market Place when we slay the Archdemon," I joked as she shook her head.
"That's not what I meant and you know it," she slurred a bit as she sat up. "I'm just saying that no matter how bad you think you may be, just remember who you are picking up after. My father always said that those who do not want power are the ones who should wield it." She grew sad, looking back to the fire. I got up out of my chair and squeezed into her chair with her, putting an arm around her waist.
"Thank you Elissa," I said quietly as I planted a kiss on her forehead and rested my cheek against the top of her head. I felt her sigh heavily and gave her a big squeeze as I saw Leliana get up from the chaise to sit on the arm opposite, wrapping her arm around her shoulders.
"It will be alright," Leliana said as she kissed her cheek and snuggled her nose into Elissa's ear making her laugh. Solana reached over to squeeze her knee, offering her support as well. I smiled.
"So anyway," I said theatrically as I released Elissa and stood before them all, "as he's telling me all this we start drinking and then the stories start up…" I paused as I thought about our conversation.
"Drinking, huh?" Elissa smirked. I shook my head.
"Nothing happened, you dirty little girl," I wagged my finger at her, "but if I didn't know any better I would say he was flirting with me." I paced a bit in front of the fireplace then shook my head. " I don't know, maybe it was the ale, maybe I was just imagining it." I pinched the bridge of my nose. "After what happened this morning, maybe I needed a little ego-boost." Dropping my hand, I looked up to see my captive audience smiling back at me.
"He is quite handsome." Leliana raised her eyebrows at me expectantly. I shook my head again.
"Are you kidding? Look what happened this morning with ONE brother." I ran a hand through my hair as I walked to the fire then back to my chair. "I'm useless with men." I flopped down into it.
That whole afternoon was truly eye-opening. Every story, every laugh we shared brought a smile to my face, something I never expected to happen when in his company. I looked down at the fire and wondered if he'd had as good a time as I did. Maker knew my morning was a complete loss. I sighed, thinking about that kiss. How it felt, what it meant to me… and what it didn't seem to mean to him. My chest tightened up as I felt tears stinging my eyes. Suddenly there was a knock at the door, startling me from the memory.
"Kora," I heard Cailan say through the door, "Ladies, are you still awake?" We all stood up, worried, and I wiped my eyes quickly then opened it. He looked me up and down, seemingly surprised to see me in the sleeping gown I was wearing (navy satin floor length with thin straps) and blushed. I smiled, glad to know I could still invoke some feeling in a man, but when he said nothing I put my hand on his chest.
"Cailan, what's wrong?" I asked with concern. He shook his head as if to clear it and grew serious.
"Duncan has called a meeting in the war room. I think something has happened." The girls and I grabbed our robes and shoes and we all made our way down to the village.
When we walked into the war room everyone was already there, Teagan and the mayor as well, so I moved into the corner out of the doorway. Cailan followed, staying by my side. Alistair glanced over at us as we entered and took a double take, making me blush as I remembered what I wearing so I wrapped the robe tighter around me, looking away.
Duncan was deep in thought, leaning on the map table and staring at it. Shaking his head he looked up at all of us.
"Good, everyone is here. Teagan?" Duncan extended an arm out to the man and motioned for him to stand next to him. "Can you please share with everyone what you told me?"
"Unfortunately it's not good news," Teagan said as he moved to Duncan's side, looking down at the table for a moment then looking up. "I placed scouts around Redcliffe to keep an eye out and one has reported back that a group of Loghain's men are headed this way." I heard several gasps from around me as I shook my head.
"This is unanticipated," I mumbled then looked up at Teagan. "When will they be here and how many?"
"They will be here in two days and there are approximately 50 men," Teagan replied.
"Any idea what their mission parameters are?" I asked, not missing a beat. Teagan looked around the room and sighed, letting his eyes rest on Alistair who was standing just a few feet from me.
"Hunt down and execute all Grey Wardens," he said simply. I pinched the bridge of my nose, trying to stay off the head ache that I had suddenly acquired.
"Most of us are leaving tomorrow," Marcus piped up. "We will just have to take everyone."
"That's a large party to have on the highway." Brock shook his head. "Not a good idea."
"And what about Cailan?" Elissa asked. "We can't risk his safety."
"Then let him stay here," Jaden said, "Once Loghain's men see he is alive maybe that will work to our advantage."
"And give him away before the final act?" Rafe laughed, "I think we need to hold onto that card until the end."
"What about Kora?" Alistair pointed out. My heart jumped a little, making me turn to look at him. "Cailan isn't the only noble that we have to protect." I sighed inwardly, of course it wasn't personal. I swallowed my emotions knowing now was not the time.
"Perhaps if we changed our plans," Roman offered, "What if everyone splits up and goes in different directions?"
All of the Wardens were talking at once and my head ache kicked in hard. I looked for a chair but there were none in the room so I went out into the chantry, looking for something to sit on. Focus, I thought to myself, get it together. Do we run or do we stay? Running would just leave these villagers defenseless. But staying would involve them in a battle that is not theirs. I shook my head, frustrated. Then, hearing that the conversation had not died down, I walked back into the war room and approached the map table.
"We cannot leave these people alone with 50 armed men bearing down on them," I shouted over everyone. Everyone's eyes were suddenly on me and I sighed, lowering my voice. "Once we are gone the people of Redcliffe will be defenseless. However we can't make our stand here either, it will bring them into the fray and this is not their fight. Those troops know we are here, they have no other reason to come." I looked to Duncan and he nodded.
"We will have to deal with this group before we can go forward with our plans." He squared his jaw and looked at Cailan. "Thoughts?" Cailan walked over and looked at the map.
"I agree that running is not an option but letting them come to us is just as risky," Cailan said thoughtfully as he ran a hand over the map where Redcliffe was printed. I moved to stand next to him.
"I have a thought," I said. "Teagan, can you point out to us where they were seen?" Teagan nodded and moved to stand next to me.
"They are camped here," he pointed to a path off the highway just northwest of Lothering. I stared at the area.
"So they will travel through here," I thought out loud as my finger traced their most likely route, "and arrive here in two days." I inspected the route carefully and saw it was heavily wooded, rocky terrain. I smiled and pointed to a spot just beyond the halfway point between their position and Redcliffe. "We send a group to intercept them here and just take them out, bandit style." I looked up at Duncan. "I'm sure there is some generic armor lying around and some low caliber weapons we can borrow, that way there won't be anything to implicate the Wardens. And the attack should be far enough away that they won't make a connection to Redcliffe." I stepped away from the table and looked at Cailan, who was contemplating the plan. I heard Teagan laugh next to me.
"You are definitely your mother's daughter," he said as he smiled at me. "A strategist to the end. I like it, Cailan?" Cailan slowly nodded.
"If we could make it seem as if they were attacked by bandits," he said as he stared at the map, "it could throw them off the trail. Plus the loss of the manpower would put a damper on Loghain's plans to get the Bannorns in line. It might be just the distraction we need." He stepped away from the table. "Duncan, what are your thoughts?" Duncan smiled and nodded.
"Teagan, please wake the armorer. Inform him we will need any plain armor and weapons he has readily available. Everyone, gather what you will need but be sure nothing can be traced back to the Wardens or Redcliffe. We need to get on the road as soon as possible," Duncan said. "The further away from Redcliffe they are when they are attacked the better. We head out in one hour."
As everyone made to leave Duncan cleared his throat. I looked at him and I could tell he had something to say that I wasn't going to like. He nodded in Cailan's direction as well so I got his attention and we remained. Alistair noticed and gave us a questioning look then looked to Duncan.
"We'll be along," Duncan promised and Alistair nodded, closing the door behind him.
"I think I know where this is going," I said with a sigh. Cailan put a hand on my shoulder as I looked up at him.
"It is best," he said as he gave me a small smile. "Putting aside the fact that we are nobility there's also the fact that these people are hardened soldiers. That and I think we are a bit out of practice," he joked as he squeezed my shoulder. "We have to trust them to do what they know so that we can do what we know." I sighed and nodded.
"Fine, Duncan, what do you want us to do in the mean time?" I looked over at Duncan, defeated. He crossed his arms over his chest.
"Get some rest, day after tomorrow you should receive word from us either way. I will give Morrigan instruction that if the battle goes badly she is to shape shift and report back to you." Duncan looked back to the map. "If the worst happens, the two of you will have to figure out a way to get to Denerim and undermine Loghain's plans. Once that is done call to the Orlesian Wardens and hope they can respond in time." He became thoughtful for a moment. "13 versus 50, the element of surprise is a big advantage, but..."
"Perhaps speak to Murdock," I offered, "I'm sure he will have men that will want to defend their home." Duncan nodded.
"An excellent idea." He sighed, placing a hand on my arm. "Do not worry, My Lady." I smiled at Duncan as Cailan extended his arm and I took it.
"Maker watch over you, Duncan," I said firmly. He nodded.
"Maker watch over us all."
Everyone was gathering at the castle gates, going through their things to be sure they had everything they needed and discussing ideas on how to approach the situation. Murdock had gathered a small group of men as well as a few knights from the castle which made me breathe a small sigh of relief. I wanted to see Duncan before they left to see if there was anything else he needed while they were gone. I spotted Duncan talking to Alistair and made my way over to them.
"I'm just glad she listened," Alistair said as I approached from behind him. I stopped, not wanting to interrupt but also to see who he was talking about. Duncan ignored my presence. "Maker knows she won't listen to anyone else when it comes to her safety." He shook his head and Duncan clapped him on the shoulder.
"I see you care for her," he said, "but I still don't see why you doubt her feelings for you." I could see the back of his neck blush slightly as he reached back to rub it. My heart dropped, who were they talking about?
"Yes, well, I'm pretty sure I mucked that one up badly," he said as he sighed, grabbing his bag from the ground. "She is a beautiful woman and she scares me to death. I can't even look at her after what happened." Alistair shook his head and Duncan smiled.
"She kissed you Alistair, I fail to see how that is bad." Duncan winked at me when apparently Alistair wasn't looking. I thought my heart was going to pound its way out of my chest.
"I handled it badly. Maker, I thought I was past all this awkwardness," he huffed as he ran a hand through his hair, grabbing the back of his neck. I felt tears stinging the backs of my eyes as I fought the urge to jump on him where he stood. Closing them I tried to focus and regain some control. I should not be eavesdropping, I thought, then opened my eyes.
"Tell her Alistair," Duncan chided as he patted Alistair on the arm and walked away. I stood there for a moment, staring at Alistair's back. I wanted to go to him, tell him I heard everything he said and I was just as afraid of him as he was of me. But I couldn't be the aggressor, not with him. I had no idea why I was so intimidated by him, why he made me tremble every time he got within a few feet of me. Chickening out, I backed away slowly and started to make my way over to Leliana.
"Gotcha," Caden said as he wrapped his arms around me from behind. I jumped out of my skin then smiled as I turned around in his arms.
"You be careful," I said as I took his face in my hands, "you hear me? No doing anything stupid." He rolled his eyes.
"That would be YOU doing the stupid things, dear sister." He smiled at me knowingly. Then it was my turn to roll my eyes.
"Now what have I done?" I asked. He winked.
"I know where your lips have been," Caden sang quietly as he shook his head, "not that I wanted to know, mind you, but I did enjoy the story. Especially the part where you had Alistair all twisted." I sighed, dropping my eyes.
"I hate what I did to him, I feel terrible. Putting him on the spot like that, Maker, what was I thinking?" I felt the anxiety start back up in my gut. Caden gave me a gentle squeeze causing me to look up at him.
"Do you regret it?" he asked with a worried expression. I shrugged. "Then why the hell did you do it in the first place?" I shook my head, tears forming in my eyes.
"I thought something was there, I swear I felt it but…" I didn't really know what to think. I heard what he said to Duncan but his reaction was stuck in my mind. I shook my head, deciding not to think about it anymore. "I want YOU to be safe, is that clear?" I kissed both his cheeks and smiled as best I could with tears in my eyes. He took my face in his hands and kissed my eyes.
"Stop denying yourself, Kora," Caden whispered, "you deserve happiness just as much as anyone else." I laughed.
"You are a bit biased, brother." Caden nodded.
"With good reason." We hugged again tightly and I turned toward where Leliana had been standing. Alistair was in her place, looking at me with sadness and a little bit of fear in his eyes.
I froze, my heart jumped into my throat and I felt my hands start to shake. What was it about him that made me feel like this, I wondered as I tried to pull myself together. I have never had someone do this to me, never let someone have this kind of control over me or effect on me. And it's not like he is dark or scary, I thought, he's beautiful and sweet, thoughtful and just… Then I realized what it was that I was so afraid of. It wasn't him, it wasn't anything to do with him at all. It was me.
I was afraid of being rejected.
After what happened in the Alienage my father insisted on ending my engagement to Garrett, claiming he was unsuitable and threatening Gallagher Wulff that if there was any backlash he would retaliate. But what he told me was he was saving me from losing face. He was afraid Garrett may have been aware of what had happened and was determined to keep it quiet, thinking that no man would want me after I was 'defiled and spoiled'. Though the memory had just resurfaced, it was obvious that the effects had lingered.
"Hi," I said quietly and waved, too nervous to smile. Alistair waved back.
"Hi." He looked to the ground then back up at me. "How are you?" I shrugged.
"I'm worried about you, all of you." I felt a tear escape down my cheek. He stepped toward me and reached out, wiping it away gently. I smiled. "You don't have to do that."
"I want to," he whispered as he stepped closer. "Kora, I am so sorry, I was horrible to you after…" he paused, seemingly unsure of what to say. I put up a hand to stop him.
"Alistair, you don't have to apologize." I took a deep breath and decided to put all my cards on the table. "I kissed you and I assume by your reaction it was… unexpected," I thought back to his conversation with Duncan, trying to decide what to say without being manipulative. "I'm sorry if I made you upset or uncomfortable, it was not my intention." I looked down at my shaking hands and laughed, shaking my head. I am pathetic, I thought as I looked back up at him. I half expected him to laugh at me. Instead he surprised me.
He growled softly to himself and dropped his bag, holding out his arms as if to pull me in but far enough away that he made it my decision. I hesitated only for a second then bolted to him, wrapping my arms around his waist. He secured his hold on me, squeezing me tightly. I pushed my face into his neck and took a deep breath, taking him in. It felt like he was never going to let go, he held me so tight for so long, and I didn't want him to.
"You startled me," he finally said. I smiled into his neck.
"I startled myself." We laughed and pulled away enough to look at each other. We were both grinning.
"I just never expected you to… think that way of me. You being, well, you." He stammered a bit at the end but it just made me grin wider.
"I thought for sure you were only being nice to me for Caden's sake. I was so embarrassed." I laughed as he released me and cupped my cheeks with his callused hands.
"I'm an idiot," he said as he shook his head, "and I sometimes do stupid things. But only around you and it drives me mad."
"I feel your pain." I blinked back a few tears and dropped my arms from his waist.
I had no idea what else to say or what do so I just silently stared into his eyes. Time seemed to stand still, his hands still holding my face, his thumbs stroking the skin below my eyes. Finally I smiled an uncomfortable smile and reached up to take his hands.
"Be safe, please, and come back," I whispered as I stood up on my toes and planted a kiss on his cheek, letting it linger for a moment then rocking back onto my heels.
Before I knew it he had a hold of my hips and pulled me in, catching my lips in his. I felt his arms move around my waist, pulling me closer. Unable to hold back I moaned into his mouth and reached one arm up his chest and the other around his torso, leaning further into him. I could feel his hand make its way up my back, his fingers combing into my hair. Then, cradling the back of my head, he pulled me in deeper. I opened myself to him as we made our way to the edge…
"Ahem!" We broke the kiss abruptly and both turned our heads to see Leliana standing there smirking at us, hand on her hip. I know I turned purple so I'm sure Alistair was as well but, as he tried to pull away, I tightened my grip on him and smiled at her. She grinned and winked back.
"Hello Leliana," Alistair said quickly in a high pitched voice. Clearing his throat, he deepened it. "Is there something you needed?" She giggled.
"I just wanted to be sure the two of you didn't tear each other's clothing off," she said with a smile. "And to let you know we are ready to leave." Alistair sighed and nodded so Leliana walked away to inform the rest of the group. I pulled his face to mine, kissing him softly.
"I will see you soon," I said firmly. He brushed my hair from my face and cupped my cheek, stroking it with his thumb.
"Yes My Lady," he whispered as he kissed the tip of my nose and released me, picking up his things. Clenching my fists, I held back the tears that were stinging my eyes and forced a smile. He returned it, giving me a wink and turning away toward the group.
"Alistair!" I squeaked out. He turned back to me, concern all over his face. I held the forced smile. "Maker watch over you."
I could see the tension build up in his expression as he struggled to maintain control. We both knew there was a chance we wouldn't see each other again, but neither would verbalize it. With all of my knowledge things had changed so much that Maker only knew what was accurate and this scenario was totally unexpected. It was throwing me for yet another loop which was killing me.
I had no way of knowing what would happen next as I stared at the man in front of me. The man I had kissed this morning, seemingly making a fool of myself and was sure only an hour ago had no interest in me. And then, just a moment ago he set my blood aflame, making my insides burn hotter than any torch in Thedas. My stomach was in knots as I contemplated the irony of him walking away from me, maybe for the last time.
"Maker watch over us all."
His chest heaved as he took in a deep breath and walked away.