The next morning after breakfast I was standing just outside the gates of the castle with Connor, both of us staring down the highway, waiting with bated breath. Cailan walked up beside me.
"Any sign of them?" he asked as he looked in the same direction, shielding his eyes from the sun with his hand. I shook my head.
"No, but it should be any time now," I said. "Dammit, where are they?" Connor turned to us and put his arms around our waists, pulling the three of us closer together.
"They'll be here soon," he said as he squeezed, forcing Cailan and I to hold onto each other so as not to fall. Laughing, Cailan put his arm around my waist and I grabbed the front of his shirt as we held Connor with our free arms.
"Well, isn't that a sight?" A voice boomed out from afar. "A royal welcome!"
Roman, Alistair and Elissa made their way up the path followed by Caden, Duncan and the others. I grinned as I made eye contact with Alistair. His face showing exhaustion, he stopped in his tracks and dropped everything he was carrying. Before I could stop myself I wiggled free of Connor's grip and ran to him, jumping into his arms.
"Kora," he whispered into my ear as his arms curled around me. I buried my face into his neck.
"Alistair," I whispered back, kissing his neck repeatedly then working my way up to his ear. "I missed you." I pulled back and looked at his face. Regardless of how tired and dirty he was, his smile was radiant.
"You should rethink touching him," Elissa laughed. "If you only knew where he's been." I laughed and stepped back, hands in the air. He pretended to pout so I moved to him and took his face in my hands.
"I'm glad you're safe," I whispered as I kissed him lightly on the nose, "but you need a bath." He smiled.
"Yes I do," he said as he picked up his things and winked, heading toward the castle. Roman stepped in front of me.
"What about me?" he asked, feigning hurt. I smiled and took his face in my hands, kissing his nose. "Thank you little one," he smiled as he continued up the hill. I swatted him on the back and turned to face the rest of the group returning. Suddenly I felt a hand cup my face. Looking up, I stared into my own eyes.
"Caden!" I whispered and threw my arms around his neck. He dropped everything and grabbed my waist, twirling me around in circles as I squealed. When he put me down I put my hands on either side of his face and pulled it down so I could kiss his forehead. "You're safe. Is everyone alright?"
"Yes, we lost no one," he said as he looked back, "but the same cannot be said for Loghain's men." I smiled.
"You are quite the charmer!" I laughed as I turned to escort him into the castle. "Does anyone need anything?" He laughed.
"A meal, a bath and a bed," he said. I nodded as we passed through the gates, grinning from ear to ear.
All of my men were home.
After dinner, I greeted everyone in turn, hugging them and asking about their experience. When I hugged Jaden he whispered in my ear that Solana was the big hero, staying back and keeping everyone's health and stamina up, keeping the fight going. I gave her a huge hug and kissed her cheeks.
"That's my girl!" I said, beaming with pride. Solana was blushing profusely as everyone hooted and hollered.
"I didn't kill anyone," she whispered as Leliana came up behind her.
"You were the reason for our success, Solana!" Leliana insisted as she hugged her around her waist and pulled her out of the room toward the front entrance. Confused I looked at Elissa who gave me a wink and mouthed the word 'camp'. That answered that question as I raised my eyebrows and nodded. If the girls were happy, so was I.
Everyone else had filtered out, either going back to the camp for the night or into the study for a drink. I looked across the room and saw Alistair leaning against the door frame, gazing at me. Reality starting to set in, my heart ached with the knowledge of what our conversation was going to be about. A conversation that was better had now than later. Resigned to my fate, I closed the distance between us.
"I'm glad you're alright," I said. He smiled, wrapping his arms around my waist and slowly pulling me in to his body.
"Me too," he purred, "Because now I can do this." He nudged my nose aside and closed his mouth over mine, snaking one arm up my back as he pulled my waist closer. I reached for the back of his head and pulled him to me, taking him in deeper with every breath. The kiss made my chest burn and my lower belly ache but I never wanted it to end. When he broke it I was panting, staring up at him with hooded eyes.
"Wow," I whispered. He smirked.
"Now that is the response I was looking for." I laughed, loosening my grip on him as I shuffled my feet slowly away from him.
"We need to talk," I said shyly, "somewhere private." He raised an eyebrow at me and I shook my head. "Nothing inappropriate, I just need to talk to you." He smiled and nodded behind him, walking into the small bedroom next to Eamon's office. I followed and shut the door behind me. Taking a deep breath I turned to face him.
"You are really scary with these talks, you know that?" he asked as he sat on the bed. I released the breath and sat next to him, taking his hand in mine.
"I'm sorry, I really don't want to say this out loud," I said sadly, "makes it real." I looked into his eyes and felt tears stinging the back of mine. Just like a band-aid, I thought. "Alistair, Cailan is making me the Arlessa of Denerim." I held my breath and waited, watching his face for any reaction as a knot formed in my throat. At first he was thoughtful, then realization set in and finally disappointment. I shook my head and looked down at our hands.
"Wow, alright," he whispered as he let go of my hand and stood up, pacing the room. "So… congratulations?" I felt my chest clench up as I stood to face him.
"NO! I didn't want it, I still don't," I pleaded, hoping he would believe me. I sighed deeply and shook my head. "But I have no choice. Vaughan will be imprisoned when Cailan takes back his throne and I am the last heir. Argh, why is it always me who has to sacrifice?" I threw my hands up in frustration and buried my face in them, shaking my head. A few moments later I felt Alistair's arms around me, so comforting and strong. Without a thought I leaned into his chest, grabbing his shirt in my fists. I felt him dropping kisses in my hair as he tried to soothe me.
"Kora, please, it's alright," he whispered, "I understand." I laughed.
"I'm glad YOU do," I said as I looked up into his eyes. "You have no idea…" I stopped myself.
What good would it do to tell him that almost the entire year I was in someone else's body, someone else's life that I pined over him? A man I thought didn't even EXIST. Or that when I first laid eyes on him in reality I thought my heart was going to leap from my chest. I couldn't tell him what I felt, what I knew deep in my heart was the truth. We'd known each other in his eyes for a few weeks, not exactly enough time to spring the 'L' word on him.
"No idea of what?" he asked softly. I shook my head.
"This isn't easy for me," I whispered as I looked down, unable to look him in the eye. He brushed my hair away from my face and took it in his hands, lifting it up to meet his.
"Nor for me either," he whispered. I swore I saw a tear start to form in his eye until he cleared his throat and kissed my forehead firmly. I fought back a few tears of my own.
"So what do we do now?" I asked. He shrugged.
"I've never been in… this situation before," he stumbled over the last few words. I swallowed my heart back down again.
"I never meant to hurt you," I said as I cupped his cheek. "And it may sound selfish but I don't want to be without you. I hate this." We stared at each other for a few moments, waiting for the other to say what we both knew needed to be said. I finally shook my head and sighed. "We should end this now, before it's too difficult to walk away." Not that it isn't already, I thought as I closed my eyes to hold back the tears.
"Alright," he whispered as he stepped back away from me. "You're right." He looked toward the door and cleared his throat. "I'm going to stay in camp tonight."
And then he was gone.
I waited a few minutes, half-listening to the conversations going on in Eamon's office, trying to digest what had just happened and swallow my heart back down. You did the right thing, I thought. He is better off knowing now, at least he will be able to move on.
But what about me? A little voice inside my head whispered softly. What if I can't move on?
Shaking my head, I decided I needed to take a walk so I left the main hall and made my way outside, past the main gates and down into the village. As if by instinct, I found my favorite spot on the docks and sat down, pulling off my shoes and dipping my feet into the water. No longer able to keep it in, I bent over and, face in my hands, I cried.
I cried for my childhood, for my leaving Alistair, for my brothers, my people. I cried for the elves my brother tormented, I cried for the men and women who lost their lives at Ostagar. I cried for Elissa's family and for Elissa. I cried until I couldn't cry anymore, until all my tears were spent and my shoulders stopped shaking. Finally, as I sat there hollowed out and empty, I lifted my head to look at the stars.
They were beautiful. With no city to drown out the light there were millions of them and they lit up the sky like fireworks. In spite of myself, in spite of our circumstances, I smiled. For the first time in a long time I found something to smile about that had nothing to do with me or this insane 'game' we were all playing. The beautiful night sky.
"I swear Ferelden, you are lucky I love you," I whispered.
"Ferelden loves you too," I heard Cailan say from behind me. I turned to face him and smiled. "I hope you know that."
"I hope you're right," I said as I looked back over the water. Cailan sat next to me cross legged.
"Kora, I'm sorry about Alistair." I turned to him. His eyes were sad, remorseful.
"It's over," I choked out as I let my head drop, forcing a deep breath to hold back more tears. "It's one of those things that I have no control over and I will have to try and get past." I looked up at him with a weak smile. He smiled back and tucked a stray lock of hair behind my ear.
"If you need me, I will always be here for you." He looked at me with compassion. It almost broke my heart all over again.
"Thank you Cailan," I said. Thinking of what that would mean about the future, a thought occurred to me. "Not to get off subject but once we get to Denerim I don't want you sticking your neck out for me. I may not be popular with the nobility in the days to come, usurping my brother and all." I looked down at my hands then started to pick at my dress. He lifted my chin with a knuckle then cupped my cheek.
"Neither will I, especially when I tell Ferelden its famed general killed its King. That will NOT go over well, then his daughter being put aside?" He dropped his hand from my face and looked up at the sky, laughing at the thought. "Oh Maker save me, I'm a dead man." He looked at me and I smiled. "I need you, you know. You're the only one I can count on." He lifted my hand to kiss my knuckles, his lips lingering.
"You know you will always have my full support," I said as I squeezed his hand. "We'll be a sight, won't we?" I laughed and grazed his cheek with the back of my hand. He laughed.
"The day we march back into the capital will be a day for the history books." He smiled and winked. "At least I know you'll have my back." I smiled back.
"And thankfully you'll have mine."
I didn't sleep at all that night and the next day my heart still ached horribly. I avoided the practice yard as well as the chantry, hoping not to run into Alistair. The last thing I needed to do was lose it in front of everyone. It was bad enough Cailan and Caden treated me like broken glass. I needed to pull myself together to help toss Loghain and end the blight.
By the evening meal I was emotionally exhausted so I asked one of the servants to bring my meal to my room. I was wrapping up my wet hair after my bath when there was a knock on my door.
"Who is it?" I asked as I dashed across the room to throw my robe on.
"Your brother," Caden practically barked through the door. I raised an eyebrow, knowing that tone in his voice. He was drunk and seemingly in a foul mood, probably displeased by something I had done, of course. I sighed, opening the door to allow him entry.
He pushed past me, yanking Alistair into the room by the back of his shirt and throwing him into a chair by the fire.
"And someone who needs to start talking." Caden stood over Alistair, glaring at him. I pinched the bridge of my nose, trying to think of what to say without angering him further.
"Caden please, I wish you would stay out of this," I said as I closed the door and crossed the room to the other chair, sitting down and crossing my legs slowly. "Why have you dragged Alistair into my room?"
"Because he is an idiot that needs to tell you everything," Caden demanded, his eyes never leaving Alistair. "Tell her." Alistair sat up and sighed, leaning his elbow on the arm of the chair and cradling his chin.
"In case you couldn't tell," Alistair began, pretending to whisper, "somebody's been drin-kiiiiing." Caden lifted his hand as if to back hand him and he cowered a bit. "OK! OK! I think Caden wants me to tell you some things that I didn't divulge last night…" Alistair trailed off, looking at the fire. Taking a deep breath, he continued. "Mainly that… I'm in love with you." He scrubbed his face with his palms and sighed. My heart jumped into my throat so I swallowed and took a breath.
"Caden," I said in a low voice, "leave us." Shocked, he headed for the door but stopped and turned toward me as if to say something. "NOW Caden Urien Kendalls!" I said with authority. He shut his mouth, turned and walked out, shutting the door quietly behind him. I shook my head, looking at Alistair. "Are you alright?"
"Yes, I'm fine," Alistair breathed as he rubbed the back of his neck. I stood, moving closer to him to be sure. He stood as well, meeting me half way and raising a hand for me to listen. I stopped and nodded so he took a breath to begin.
"Meeting you, face to face, was the best thing that ever could have happened to me," he said quietly. "I know who I am and my past better than I ever have and am more confident for it, more content with who I am and my place in the world." He stared at me, the firelight behind him dancing as he smiled. "But I should probably explain my little confession."
"Alright," I said, motioning to the chair he had vacated, "please." He sat back down and I poured each of us a glass of wine, handing him one and sitting in the other chair. He took a sip and sighed.
"I'm not sure where to begin," he said as he looked at the fire. "I suppose it all started when I met Caden. I don't know if he told you but we bonded immediately." He smiled at the memory and looked at me. "It was as if we were long lost brothers. We would make sure to have guard duty together, we roomed together and, as I told you before, we told each other everything." He took another sip of wine. "His favorite topic was you. I had no idea two siblings could be so close but the two of you seemed to be inseparable. The stories he would tell about how you would get into trouble were my favorites." He laughed, looking at me. I laughed too, shaking my head.
"We were not exactly model children, that's for sure." I sipped my wine and pulled my legs up under me.
"That's what got me, the stories. I remember one that involved a horse being painted, what was that about again?" I laughed, covering my mouth so I didn't spit out my wine then nodded.
"It was my father's horse, apparently he was old and the stablemen were instructed to put him down." I shook my head, smiling. "Caden and I got the bright idea to paint him different colors so that we could sneak him out of the stables and bring him outside the city gates to set him free. Hey, it worked!" Alistair and I laughed for a moment. Then our eyes met and my heart fluttered. Those bourbon eyes would be the death of me some day, I just knew it.
He looked back to the fire then down at his glass. "This may sound a bit creepy, ok really creepy, but…" he paused then looked back at me. "That girl, in that story, in all those stories… I fell in love with her." He reached over and took my hand. "That was what I didn't tell you, couldn't tell you last night. I fell in love with you before I'd even met you. Your vulnerability, your intensity, your passion, it was almost too good to be true. And then I met you, looked into your eyes, and realized it WAS true. You were real and it scared the hell out of me. It scared me but at the same time I needed you, needed to be close to you. Rrrrr…" he growled as he shook his head in frustration. "I didn't know what to do."
I had no idea someone could feel joy and agony at the same time, but there it was. I couldn't speak as I put my glass down on the table and tried desperately to breathe. The very thing I wanted to spare him was the same thing that he was holding back the night before, the reason he quickly left the room. He didn't want to hurt me but now the truth was out there. It was time to lay all of my cards on the table. I swallowed then cleared my throat, hoping my voice wouldn't fail me.
"It's not creepy, Alistair," I whispered. "I need to tell you something as well." I closed my eyes, focused, then opened them, looking directly at him. "The year I was gone I studied Ferelden, was obsessed with it. I had no idea of my link considering the stories were fiction there, but I couldn't put the books down, every character coming to life in my imagination. And then came you," I said as I slowly looked him over, that toned, gorgeous body sitting in the chair next to mine. I almost jumped out of my chair and took him right there but instead I swallowed hard and continued.
"Your part in the story, I would read it over and over. Picturing what you would look like, what you would be like. I was amazed by your sense of right and wrong, loved your sarcastic sense of humor, your ferocity on the battlefield and then your innocence. You were enthralling and endearing all at the same time. You WERE too good to be true. And then, standing in Duncan's tent, I was looking at you." I smiled and shook my head. "I thought my heart was going to explode. You were everything I had imagined and more. I…" I choked up as the tears started to flow. I leaned my elbow on the arm of the chair, wiping them away. Alistair got up, moved our glasses to the hearth and sat on the table in front of me. He pulled my chair to him as close as he could, facing me.
"There has to be a way," he whispered as he took my hands in his. "It's just not possible that we both came to be in each other's lives like this for no reason. There MUST be a way." I placed my hand on his face, brushing my thumb across his stubble.
"I wish I knew," I said as I felt another tear slide down my cheek. I returned my hand to his. "Alistair, I would spend every waking moment I could with you, every night of my life in your arms until someone ripped me away from you. But that would be selfish and unfair to you. You should be free, free to find someone who can give you everything, every part of them, what you deserve."
I was emotionally wiped, everything else I wanted to say I couldn't because I wasn't strong enough. As right as I knew it was I couldn't hold him at arm's length as long as he pushed the issue. I shook my head and released his hands. I could see the frustration growing on his face.
"And what about what is fair to you?" he asked. "What if I decided I wanted to spend every waking moment with YOU, every night with you in my arms until someone ripped you away from me? Would you deny me that?" He took my hands back, squeezing them. My shoulders drooped in defeat.
"I can't," I whispered, "I can't push you away. I can't tell you no. Please Alistair," I begged as I stared deep into his eyes through my tears, "be absolutely sure that what you say next is what you truly want. I am not strong enough to refuse you anything, not now, not ever."
Time ticked by as we sat there, looking for answers in the other's eyes. But there were no answers, no loop holes, no way out of what we knew our destinies would entail. Eventually we would be torn apart; I would be honor bound to rule Denerim and he a Warden. Those paths would not join, only cross one another from time to time, and I knew it would never be enough for either of us. He deserved so much more.
He seemed to come to the same conclusion as he sighed and looked down, shaking his head in defeat. I removed my hands from his and brought his face gently to mine. I looked into his eyes, my face serious.
"I need you to know something," I whispered, holding his gaze. "I will never love another the way that I love you." I brought his lips to mine, softly, then deeper. He reached up to the back of my neck, lacing his fingers into my hair as I opened my mouth to take him all in. For what seemed like an eternity we slowly devoured each other, memorizing every part of each other's lips, our hands, the way it felt when we kissed…
Then, pulling myself away, I forced my wobbly legs to stand. As my heart cracked I moved to the door and opened it slowly. Understanding what it meant Alistair stood and walked to the doorway. He turned to look at me, brushing his fingers along my jaw.
"I will always be there for you, if you ever need me. Anything, you need only ask. I swear to you," he said as he crossed his arm over his chest, giving me a small bow and slowly walked down the hall toward the sitting room. When the door opened I could hear revelry coming from inside, Caden shouting his name. The moment the door closed behind him my heart finally shattered, lying in pieces at my feet, and all I could think of was I hoped my brother could forgive him.
Maker knew I already had.
Tossing and turning, I finally just gave up on sleep and got out of bed, trying not to wake Elissa who had curled up next to me. I didn't mind, as children Caden and I shared a bed. Then we had the mabari who actually took up more room than both of us put together so I was more than comfortable with her there. But no matter how comfortable I was, every time I closed my eyes all I saw was Alistair's face, full of sadness and disappointment.
So many things were racing through my mind I felt the urge to just pack up and run. Then a thought occurred to me; why not? With everything I wrote down and discussed with Duncan they are more than prepared, I could take off to Denerim and get things set up there for their arrival. It's been ages since I was last there so I wouldn't run the risk of being recognized (especially being dead) and I could do some snooping to be sure things were in hand for them when they came for the Landsmeet.
I have to think this through, I thought as I stood in front of the closet. It was still dark so I quietly slipped off my nightgown and put on my linen shirt, pants and shoes. As they always did when I had a decision to make, the docks seemed to be calling to me so I headed down the hill. On my way I saw the light on in the war room so I decided to stop in.
I looked inside to see Duncan reading some of my notes for the Brecilian Forest. I smiled and walked in, dropping into a chair across the map table from him. He put the papers down and smiled back.
"I see I'm not the only one who is having trouble sleeping," he said. I nodded.
"I should be accustomed to it by now," I sighed, "but it doesn't help that I'm struggling with a decision. Do you have a moment?" He nodded and motioned for me to continue. "I'm debating leaving for Denerim now, alone. Before you try to talk me out of it please hear me out." He pulled on his beard thoughtfully.
"I'm listening." I straightened my shoulders and took a breath.
"I think that having someone established, someone on the ground will be very helpful and the more time I have to dig in the better. Technically I have been dead for at least a year and it's been more than eight years since I've even set foot in Denerim so there's a good chance I won't be recognized.
"I'm sure Howe has kept some of the servants my father had so I'm bound to find someone who would be willing to help and even if I can't get into the estate I can always get a job in one of the pubs on the docks or elsewhere. Denerim is crawling with work and servants have the most accurate gossip.
"As you can tell I have thought this through, so…" I laced my fingers together, waiting for his input. He seemed to be pondering the idea as he stood up and circled the table to stand in front of me.
"This wouldn't have anything to do with your relationship with Alistair?" I sighed. He could always see through me so I knew there was no point in lying.
"I can't say it's not part of it but it's not the main reason," I shook my head, "Look, being so close to each other is going to be more than distracting, the further away I am the better off he'll be." I sighed, "Maybe he'll be able to let go." My gut clenched at the thought so I pushed the pain down, getting back on subject. "And who else could you send to Denerim that has the knowledge I have and the ability to blend in? Who would question a young woman seeking refuge from the blight?" I smiled and batted my eyelashes. Duncan laughed.
"I see your point, but sending you off alone doesn't set well with me." He crossed his arms and tilted his head to the side, seemingly in thought. I ran through the list of people at our disposal in my head and could only think of one that would be right for the job.
"What about sending Leliana with me?" I asked. "She's a rogue, familiar with Denerim and we complement each other well in battle. Not that I want to take her away from Solana, but a man may draw too much attention, like he was a guard. I need to seem vulnerable to stay invisible around the city guard. No one looks for a mouse when the cat is around." Duncan thought for a moment then nodded.
"Alright, if you can get her to agree I think your logic is sound. It may take us a month or so to get to you. Will you be able to hold out until then?" I could tell Duncan wasn't asking because he didn't have confidence in our abilities, he was genuinely concerned because he knew what we would be up against. I nodded.
"We will manage," I said as I stood to leave. "We will leave tonight if I can drag her away. I don't want anyone trying to tie me to a chair." I winked and walked toward the door.
"My Lady," Duncan stopped me in my tracks. I turned to face him. "Maker watch over you." I nodded.
"Maker watch over us all, Duncan."
I finished the last letter and left it with the others on my bed as I threw the heavy old cloak over my shoulders and crept out of the castle.
One letter was for Caden, asking him to take over my plan to get the grimoire from Flemeth for Morrigan and that I appreciated all his help and support. One was for Duncan, wrapping up everything I could think of except the Archdemon attack. That I feared would be the wild card so no sense in trying to predict it. Another was for Cailan, assuring him that I would see him in Denerim and that I would keep an eye on things there. I debated writing Alistair a letter but thought better of it, hoping that he would take it as a sign to move on. I knew it would hurt, Maker knew it was killing me, but I hoped the pain would make leaving me behind easier.
The last was for Elissa.
I told her to be strong, that I loved her and thought of her as a sister. I told her of how her parents would be proud and that she would see Fergus again, not to worry. I also told her that I wanted her to take care of Alistair for me, to let him lean on her and for her to lean on him. That he would be good for her and that I loved them both. I knew she would see my true intention but all I could hope was that she would listen to me. I knew that she would be able to give him everything he needed and he would do the same for her.
As I made my way to the camp I let the tears fall, knowing full well this may be the last time I would be able to tell all of these people exactly what their friendship has meant to me, and yet here I was sneaking off like a thief in the night. I knew they wouldn't let me go, they would argue and Caden would yell, but I knew they would fight me on it only because they cared. I loved all of them too much to put them through it.
"Lel," I whispered, trying to not wake Solana, "Leliana, wake up." I crouched down in the tiny tent as I heard a small groan from her and smiled. "Do you want to sneak into Denerim with me and collect information until the Wardens get there?" Her eyes flew open.
"What are you dragging my love away for, Kora?" I heard Solana whine as Leliana rolled over and kissed her soundly.
"Oh my darling, it's an adventure that I just can't resist!" Leliana said with a huge grin as Solana continued to pout. "I will see you soon, do not trouble yourself." Leliana got up and started to dress so I exited the tent and waited, grabbing the bag I had already packed up off the ground. Leliana emerged from the tent shortly after, pack in tow, dressed similarly.
"Solana!" I whispered. She peeked her head out. "Please say nothing about where we went, if anyone asks tell them to speak to Duncan." She nodded and stood up to hug me tight. It brought a tear to my eye that I quickly blinked away as she turned to Leliana. They gave each other one last kiss and we started toward the highway.
As we reached the gates I looked back at the castle, then the camp. In the castle was Cailan, my strength, my rock, my best friend who would probably, hopefully forgive me anything. In the camp were my brother and Alistair. I knew Caden would forgive me for not saying good bye but a part of me hoped that Alistair wouldn't. I wanted him to be angry with me. I wanted him to move on.
I wanted him to be happy without me.