"Does Chief really hate milk that much?" Havoc asked, flicking a few ashes off of his cigarette. "Why?"
"Well..." Al muttered, shifting his feet. "Its because... actually, I probably shouldn't tell you..."
"Aw, come on, Alphonse! Its not like milk can kill him!... Right?" Hughes looked uncertain.
"No, nothing like that! Look, I better go! Brother wanted me to go shopping before I went home, and I'll get home late if I leave any later! Bye!" Al quickly dashed out of the room, leaving Roy, Hughes, Havoc, and Breda just sitting in the room, casting strange glances to each other.
"You thinking what I'm thinking?" Roy said, grinning wickedly. The other three gave matching grins, looking very cruel and menacing in that moment.
"Operation Milk is a go!" Hughes whisper-shouted.
The next day, Ed reluctantly dragged himself to the Colonel's office.
"Damn Colonel Bastard," he growled to himself. "Its supposed to be my day off!" Just like usual, he loudly kicked the door open.
"I'm here, bastard!" he shouted, just like usual. But there wasn't a reply. He blinked as he lowered his foot back down. The office looked completely deserted, the curtains drawn and the lights off. "Uh, hello?"
"NOW!"
Ed yelped in shock as he felt two pairs of hands grab his arms and pin him to the wall. He struck out with his feet, but the pair of assaulters quickly moved to the sides where even Ed couldn't reach.
"What the Hell is going on here?" he shouted, looking around wildly. To his shock, the people holding his arms were... Hughes and Breda?
"Sorry, Ed! But Mustang asked us to do this!" Hughes said with an unapologetic grin. As if on cue - it probably was, now that Ed thought about it - the lights flickered on. Roy rose from his position behind his desk, also wearing a smile.
"Fullmetal. I'm glad you made it," he said conversationally.
"Fuck you! What the Hell is going on?" Ed spat. Roy's smile grew.
"Well, I happened to have a little extra milk, and I thought, why let it go to waste? There's a boy that could really use a dose of milk..." Ed's eyes widened.
"No! No way! Let me go!" he screeched, fighting even harder. Breda was struggling to keep a hold on his automail arm.
"Hurry up! I can't hold him much longer!" he puffed. Roy swiftly stepped forward, and Havoc appeared, holding a cup of white liquid and a little bottle obviously holding the same thing. Ed visibly paled, and now he was trying to keep Mustang away from him instead of trying to escape.
"No no no! Keep that shit away from me!" he howled. Roy paid no attention as he took the cup from Havoc's hand, then walked over to Ed and mercilessly pinched the boy's nose closed. Ed pressed his lips together, obviously refusing to open his mouth. Roy waited, poised to strike, and eventually, Ed opened his mouth to get a gasp of breath. Roy shoved the cup at Ed's lips, forcing the liquid into the boy's mouth. Ed nearly spit it out, but Roy covered his mouth, forcing him to swallow. Instantly, Ed started coughing dramatically, and Hughes and Breda released him, each massaging their hands. Ed fell onto the ground, still coughing, but fading fast.
"God, that burned!" he whispered hoarsely.
"Geez, Chief, you sure are tough to hold down!" Breda huffed, flapping his hand to try and get the blood flowing. There was silence, and even Ed had stopped coughing.
Hic.
Roy blinked at the sound that had just been emitted by his youngest subordinate.
"Fullmetal?"
Hic.
Ed was still on his hands and knees, and his bangs covered his face.
"Er, Chief? You aren't mad, are you?" Havoc asked hesitantly.
Hic.
"Did he get the hiccups?" Breda asked, raising an eyebrow.
"I think so," Hughes answered, crouching down beside the blond boy.
Hic.
"Fullmetal, get up," Roy demanded, poking Ed's head with his foot.
Hic.
"Okay."
Everyone frowned at the voice. It sounded slightly... off. Ed pushed off of the ground and onto his knees, then slowly pulled himself up, using the wall as a support.
Hic.
"Wait a minute, is he...?"
"Does milk make you drunk?"
Hic.
Ed's face was flushed a dark pink, and he had a small, uncertain frown on his face. He jumped slightly as another hiccup forced a squeak from his throat.
"I... don't think milk is supposed to do that," Roy said, now looking at the cup in his hand. He glanced over at Havoc. "Was that milk spiked?"
"I don't think so," Havoc replied, scratching his head with one hand and holding up the bottle with the other. "I only just opened it today..."
Hic.
"...Well, what now?" Hughes asked uncertainly. "I mean, now that he's drunk, he can't really do much, can he?"
"'M not drunk!" Ed insisted, weakly, flapping his automail hand at Hughes. He hiccuped again.
"Damn it, so this is what Al meant!" Roy groaned. "I never knew milk could do this!"
Hic.
"I need to go home... Al's waitin' for me," Ed slurred, taking his hand off the wall. An imprint of his automail was left in the wall where he'd leaned too hard against it.
"Whoah, whoah, Chief! You can't go out there!" Havoc said, stepping in front of the doorway.
Hic.
"Why not?" Ed demanded, swaying where he stood.
"Hawkeye." That one word was enough to send cold chills through all of them, except for Ed. He was too out of it to understand.
"So? I'll just - hic - just walk right past her. 'S not like I have nothin' to hide," Ed mumbled. He started to push past Havoc, but Breda joined Havoc in trying to keep the little alchemist in the room.
"But we haven't even played Truth or Dare yet!" he blurted.
Hic.
Ed paused, and for a breathless second, it seemed like he'd dismiss the thought and leave anyways.
"Guess you're right, we could - hic - could play a few games," he agreed, blinking slowly.
Which was how a minute later they were all sitting in a circle on the floor, Ed swaying back and forth with a drunken smile on his face.
"I'll go first," he said, stifling another hiccup. "Truth or dare, C - hic - Colonel Bastard?"
"Dare," Roy said automatically, not one to back down from a challenge.
"Then I dare you to-" Ed covered his mouth again to stop another hiccup, "-to go and bring Hawkeye into the game!" Roy started to choke on nothing.
"B-but!"
"No buts!" Ed shouted, waving his automail fist threateningly. Apparently, his hiccups had finally been terminated. "Go do it! Now!" Roy reluctantly stood, and, followed by the terrified eyes of his subordinates and a smug-looking, pink-faced Ed's glare, he walked out of the room.
"Oh, hello, sir. Is everything going alright in there?" Hawkeye asked, looking up from her desk.
"Ah, everything is fine..." Roy muttered, glancing back at his office door. Ed was standing there, waving at him to get on with it. Havoc quickly pulled the drunken boy back into the room. Roy cleared his throat. "Actually, we started up a little game of Truth or Dare, and were wondering if you'd like to join us..." Hawkeye raised an eyebrow.
"Playing games on the job now, sir?" she teased. "I guess I have no choice but to play and make sure you all play fair." She stood up, and Roy could already feel the bullets tearing into his flesh when he imagined Hawkeye catching sight of Ed. He was sweating nervously and hoped she didn't notice. The two walked back to his office, and the Colonel could hear Ed shouting at someone to 'hurry up and throw the damn thing out the window'. He quickly opened his door, only to see Ed standing on his desk, halfway out the widow, a pen clutched in one hand and a few official-looking documents in the other. As soon as he saw Roy, Ed let go of the papers and tossed the pen as far away as he could. Hughes, Breda, and Havoc were uselessly trying to coax Ed down from the desk. Hawkeye looked slightly skeptical as Ed struggled to pull his shoulders back through the window.
"Oh! Er... First Lieutenant Hawkeye! Hello!" Hughes said nervously, grabbing a hold of Ed's waist to help the boy down. "We were just wondering when Roy'd bring you in!" Ed turned his head, and when he caught sight of Hawkeye, a big, toothy smile stretched over his face.
"Hey, Hawkeye! How's Black Hayate?" he said loudly, waving wildly at her though she was only on the other side of the room. Hawkeye instantly took in his flushed face, slightly impaired speech, and obvious unstability as he swayed where he stood. Her steely eyes locked onto the little bottle sitting innocently on the corner of Roy's desk.
"Explain," she demanded quietly. Ed pulled his arm out of Havoc's grasp and tottered over to Hawkeye, still smiling.
"An' Colonel Bastard? I threw that one paper out the window. It said somethin' about a guy named Archer..." Ed grinned at Roy. "Sorry!" Roy dropped his face into his hands. That paper, that one simple paper, could've held the key to him getting promoted. He nearly took out his growing wrath on the boy, but then remembered whose fault it was that he was in such a state in the first place. He glanced at his Lieutenant nervously, and she glared death at him before turning to Ed.
"Ed, how about we get you home?" Hawkeye said gently, putting her hand on the smaller blond's shoulder.
"Yay! I get to see Al!" Ed cheered, throwing his arms up in the air like a child and nearly knocking himself and the First Lieutenant over.
"Yes, yes you do," Hawkeye said with a good-natured giggle. But the glare she sent at the four men behind her promised a world full of pain and suffering for whoever was responsible for Ed's current situation. A few seconds after the roar of her car had faded, Roy broke the silence with a sigh.
"We're fucking screwed."
Later that day, Hawkeye approached Roy's desk and picked up the small bottle. Havoc had claimed that it was milk, but as she read over the label, she slowly shook her head.
'Amestrian's finest white liquor
Each bottle sold separately'
She dumped the rest of the contents into a sink, then dropped the bottle into a trash can. It shattered upon impact. After what happened with Ed today, she was going to have a word with the Fuhrer about keeping alchohol out of Central whenever Ed dropped by for a visit...
Well, here is the product of a very weird conversation with my friend about orange juice possibly making people drunk.
Hope I made the drunk act thingy... well, screwed enough. Sorry if this isn't axactly your forte, but... Eh.
At least it's long, right?
...
Right?