Marital Counseling

Session 2: Communication

Counselor: It's often in marriage that couples don't see eye to eye on a number of situations. This lack of communication tends to soil the relationship itself which leads to misunderstanding which leads to compromise; that road we aim to steer away from. So I've devised a simple course on how to fully interact with your spouse as a basis of mutual connection. Since the Briefs are currently in the time-out corner, we'll start with You Mr. Ans Mrs. Son. Try speaking in a manner Goku would understand.

Chi-Chi: If you're certain this will work.

Counselor: You have my word.

Chi-Chi: Very well then...

[Turns to Goku

Chi-Chi: Goku Honey, I know you're trying but I feel like you're ignoring me. Every time I speak to you, you respond with "uh-huh" then you leave. I feel like you're drifting away from me. Like your head is permanently stuck in the clouds. Do you understand?

[Goku's mind browsing elsewhere

Chi-Chi: GOKU!!

Goku: Oh sorry Chi-Chi did you say something? I'm Hungry.

Chi-Chi: Do you see?! He's got a one-track mind! All he thinks about is stuffing his face!! Never says "I love you honey", never kisses me good night or good morning! He's never even so much as bought me a gift just because.

Goku: Come on I bought You a gift. Remember that present I gave you for our anniversary?

Chi-Chi: Goku you didn't buy that, it was a giraffe you somehow managed to step on and killed to make a coat for me that went horribly wrong so in the end all you did was wolf it down!! IT'S A WONDER YOU DON'T HAVE DIABETES!!

Goku: Well you could have at least tried it on; all the effort I put into making it.

Chi-Chi: Goku Neither you nor anyone else can make me wear a coat of Giraffe fur and FECES!! WHERE DID YOU EVEN GET THE IDEA?!!

Goku: I don't see Goten complaining about his Gift.

[Scene changes to Goten having a tea party with a giraffe's head

Goten: You barely touched your cookies Geoffry.

[Back to Goku and Chi-Chi

Chi-Chi: Goten's 12 and he'll most likely turn out gay, it doesn't take much to impress him; but this is NOT about Goten! Since we're on the topic maybe once in a while you could wash his filthy clothes, and while you're at it, wash Gohan's, and while you're at that, WASH YOURS! God knows your clothes smelled so bad I think they burned a hole in the O-zone layer.

Goku: The boys and I train a lot. What do you think sweat smells like daisies?

Chi-Chi: Oh yes. The BOYS. Your precious, precious BOYS. "Hey BOYS don't DON'T mind your mother, she's a dried up old hussy with nothing better to do than take care of us. Oh lord forbid she wash our funky ass clothes, we like smelling like the backside of a camel." They'll do anything you say. You're "Daaaaaaad". Saving the world means more to you than intimacy with your WIFE! THE ONE YOU SWORE TO LOVE THROUGH THICKNESS AND THIN, 'TILL DEATH DO US PART!! Which has occurred more times than I can count! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD IT IS FOR A SINGLE MOTHER TO FEED TWO GROWING BOYS ON A LOW INCOME OF $530 A MONTH?! I HAD TO TAKE 5 PART-TIME JOBS SO WE WOULDN'T HAVE TO EAT GODDAMN FISH EVERYNIGHT FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES!!! INCLUDING A JOB AS A WAITRESS AT HOOTERS!! DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HAVE MEN YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW SLAP YOUR ASS WHEN YOU'RE NOT LOOKING?! IF THAT WASN'T ENOUGH FOR YA, ASIDE FROM ALL THE BILLS AND DEBTS YOU LEFT BEHIND FROM ALL THOSE RESTAURANTS, I ACTUALLY HAD TO BORROW MONEY FROM THE BRIEFS JUST TO SURVIVE!!

Goku: Chi-Chi calm down!

Chi-Chi: Don't you tell me to calm down!!You're never around anymore, you're always late picking Goten up from football practice and when we go out to dinner you embarrass me by cleaning the restaurant out. You don't even touch me anymore!! I can't stand you!! HOW'S THAT FOR COMMUNICATION?!?!

Bulma[from afar: You tell him Chi-Chi!!

Vegeta[from afar: Silence Cow!

Counselor: I think we're done here.