Marital Counseling

Session 5: Soul Mates

Counselor: Okay, I know our previous endeavors have been somewhat fruitless but luckily I've been digging deep into your mannerisms and have located the root of your problems. Married couples often marry because they feel a connection to each other, a bond tighter than any material known to man.

Goku: I got married because I thought I could eat it!

Counselor: Mr. Son! That's a terrible reason to get married! You sir are disgusting!

Goku: Why, because I thought "marry" meant food?

Counselor: Oh you weren't talking about-ahem-as I was saying, it is this syncronization that allows spouses to understand and communicate with one another. What I'd like to try this session is to have you both say the first word that comes to mind. If you are truly soul mates, eventually you will both say the same word in tandem.

Chi-Chi: [Sarcastically] Well doesn't THAT sound lovely.

Goku: What do we get if we win?

Counselor: Mr. Son, this isn't a competition, it is an exercise to help strengthen your marriage.

Goku: So what you're saying is you can train marriage! Man, this marriage must be one tough guy! I wanna fight him!

Chi-Chi: Can't you think of anything besides fighting?

Goku: Chi-Chi, you know thinking makes me hungry.

Counselor: How about we get started? Say the very first thing that comes to mind. Ready...begin!

Chi-Chi: Flowers!

Goku: Fish!

Chi-Chi: Family!

Goku: Fish!

Chi-Chi: Love!

Goku: Fish!

Chi-Chi:[Annoyed] Butcher's knife!

Goku: Fishsticks!

Counselor: Okay, Mr. Son if you can go ahead and say something OTHER than "Fish"...that'd be great.

Goku: But didn't you say to say the first thing that comes to mind?

Counselor: Well yes I did but one can't possibly think about food all the time.

Goku: What else is there to think about?

Counselor: Okay, we're going to try this again. Ready...begin!

Chi-Chi: Baby's laughter!

Goku: Sucker punch!

Chi-Chi: Perfume

Goku: Squat Thrust!

Chi-Chi: Kittens

Goku: Yelling louder than your opponent just before you rush him with a kick to the balls!

Chi-Chi: Strangled Husband!

Goku: FISH!

Chi-Chi: OKay, you know what?! FUCK THIS!

Goku: What's wrong Chi-Chi?

Chi-Chi: You know I thought we could make this work Goku but you're obviously not putting any effort into it!

Goku: What am I doing wrong?

Chi-Chi: See? That's what I'm talking about! You have NO consideration for others, and even less resepct for your own WIFE! Oh but I suppose I should have figured that when you decided to undermine my authority and send our 10 year old son to fight a green bugman with a fucking athletic cup for a dick! And if that isn't enough, you leave our 7 year old son, whom you barely even KNEW, to fight a goddamn monster made out of what I can only describe as PEPTO-BISMOL! NOT ONLY THAT, BUT YOU WON'T EVEN STOP BEING A MUSCLEHEADED NITWIT FOR FIVE FUCKING MINUTES TO SAVE YOUR OWN FUCKING MARRIAGE! YOU SON GOKU ARE THE WORST HUSBAND IN THE HISTROY OF HUSBANDOM!

Goku: You know what? You're right Chi-Chi, I should just stop training and leave saving the world to you for a change. *GASP* That's right, you've NEVER had to save the world have you? You've never been impaled in the chest by a concentrated energy beam, suffered a near fatal heart disease or disintegrated at close range by an explosion strong enough to blow up the planet all just so your ungrateful wife can live to bitch another day. But I suppose if the world is ever threatened by some intergalactic space pirates, an effemminate space tyrant, a mutant cyborg ladybug, or a piece of space bubble gum, you can NAG them all to death!

Chi-Chi: Or maybe just leave them to be raised by YOU, that way they'll just die of NEGLECT! BURN!

Goku: Shit just got real bitch! Well at least when I was around GOHAN WASN'T A PUSSY and I'm pretty sure if I was around Goten for DAMN sure wouldn't be spending 99% percent of his time with Trunks!

Vegeta: WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!

Goku: Vegeta, he has a picture of Justin Bieber pre-haircut in his room, don't make me say it.

Chi-Chi: You're right, I should have just did what you did with Gohan and leave him with a green, pointy eared guy in a turbin who likes to call himself the demon king for the biggest chunk of his childhood. You know, because you're such a GOOD guy.

Goku: Hey! Piccolo is a friend of this family.

Chi-Chi: Riiiiight. Hi Uncle Larry, why don't you come over to the little get together. Oh nothing too big just some friends and family-ya'know-Dad, Goku, the boys, grammy-gram, big green scary alien who shoots laser beams from his fingers, that old chestnut.

Goku: I thought your Uncle Larry died-

Chi-Chi: HE'S IN A DIABETIC COMA!

Counselor: Perhaps we should move on to another exercise.

To Be Continued...