Martial Counseling Session #5: Reminiscing
Counselor: The greastest treasures in marriage are usually found in memories. Reminiscing about the days that you shared as a couple that you will honor for the rest of your life is key to a strong and healthy marriage. Mr. and Mrs. Son. What I want you to do is to try and remember any time in your relationship that made you happiest. Share with me your happiest memories.
Chi-Chi: PUUUULLEEEEEAAAAAASSSEEEE! You have to be THERE for there to be any memories. You want memories? Okay. The last GOOD memory I had with Goku in it was watching him bludgeon our eight year old son to death with his fists, and the only reason that was a good memory was because that was probably the only quality time he's ever going to spend with him.
Goku: First off, it's called training and in my defense, Goten's eyes were bleededing thirty minutes after I realized I he wasn't taking a standing-up nap.
Counselor: Surely there was one moment in your lives together that made you decide you wanted to be with each other for the rest of your lives.
Chi-Chi: Well, there was this ONE moment when we were kids. Goku valiantly rescued me from a sexual deviant who smelled like a wet dog after it gave birth...we call him Yamcha. It was so beautiful. He looked into my eyes, held my hand and promised that one day when we came of age that he would take me as his bride in marriage.
Counselor: How touching Mr. Son.
Goku: I thought marriag was something I could eat. I thought she was offering to make me like, a sandwich or something. 5 years later Gohan came out of her stretchy girly hole, Chi-Chi won't stop yelling at me, and I'm still hungry.
Chi-Chi: YOU'RE ALWAYS HUNGRY! It's always FOOD with you! You never stop eating! That's why we can't afford to buy your prepubescent son a pair of shoes that's isnt made of cardboard and dental floss! BECAUSE YOU CAN'T STOP FUCKING EATING!
Goku: Wait, weren't you a princess at one point? Wasn't your father a king? Didn't your dad have like a castle? And servants? And like, a shit-load of money which is how we paid for that fancy wedding with DJ Jazzy Jeff as the MC? What happened to that?
Chi-Chi: Uh, the wedding. Duh.
Goku: You mean to telll me that your dad spent an entire KING's FORTUNE just so you could have a wedding...with DJ JAZZY JEFF as the MC?! AND YOU LET HIM?!
Chi-Chi: He only wanted the best for his little girl.
Goku: Chi-Chi, HE LIVES IN MASTER ROSHI'S BASEMENT! THE MAN EATS FRITOS FROM A FISH BOWL!
Chi-Chi: And he's got a great view of the beach.
Goku: You know something Chi-Chi? I am a bad father but you're something way worse. You're a bad person. Period. All you do is whine and complain and nag and bitch about how you have to wash the dishes and clean the house and cook the food and pay the bills. You're dad spoiled you rotten and now you're taking it out on me and the boys! I'll bet The only reason you didn't let Gohan go to public school is probably because you thought it was beneath you. You want to know what my happiest memory was Doc? My happiest memory is any memory where I didn't have to look at my bitter, cold, domineering, spoiled, elitist wife!
Counselor: Oh dear...
Chi-Chi: *Sigh* Maybe you're right Goku. Maybe the reason I give you and the boys such a hard time is because I'm not used to the idea of being Chi-Chi: You're average run-of-the-mill mom. I guess I do nag you a little more than I ought to, I mean after all, you've saved the world a dozen times, I think you've earned the right to be a little care-free every now and then. From now on I'm going to show you the respect you deserve. I'll get a job, no two! I'll do all the housework from now on and I won't ever trouble you about how you handle the boys. And I promise i won't give you flack about leaving for years at a time to train because I know it's only because of you we still have an Earth for you to save. I'm sorry honey.
Goku: Wow, Chi-Chi...do you mean that?
Chi-Chi: HELL NO! YOU LAZY, UNGRATEFUL, MISOGYNISTIC WINDBAG! SO YOU DON'T LIKE NAGGING, YOU DON'T LIKE LOOKING AT MY FACE HUH? WELL THEN YOU CAN LOOK AT MY ASS WHEN I WALK OUT OF THAT DOOR AND THAT'S THE LAST LOOK YOU'RE GOING TO GET AND SINCE YOU FEEL SO BAD FOR MY FATHER, WHY DON'T YOU GO AND JOIN HIM IN ROSHI'S BASEMENT AND JERK OFF TO PORN FLICKS TOGETHER, BECAUSE THAT'S ABOUT THE CLOSEST THING YOU'LL GET TO SEX FOR A LOOOOOONG TIME PAL! HOW'S THAT FOR A FUCKING MEMORY DOC?!
Counselor: Oddly arousing.