Marital counseling #6: Example

Counselor: well, so far we've tried communication exercises, interactive activities, and we've even tried bonding techniques. I must say, you people have been the biggest challenge of my career but by GOD I will fix this destitute corroboration of broken dreams you call a marriage if it kills me!

Vegeta: Or I could just kill you so we can all go home.

Counselor: Ha, see that Mr. Vegeta? That's what I'm talking about. There is too much pride in this room. You ALL must humble yourselves if you're ever going to make your respective marriages work. You need to know what a marriage built on compromise and overcoming adversity looks like, which is why I brought in two couples who instill just that. i'd like you all to welcome-the Sons and the...um...how do you pronounce this first one?

Krillin: It's Krillin Von Gruesonschlitz-Mealitze

Counselor: Yeah...

Goku: Hi Gohan! Hi Krillin! Hi Videl! Hi #18!

Lazuli: #18 was my slave name! Call me by the name I was born with, Lazuli Mealitze.

Vegeta: Wait, you HYPHENATED?! Christ you really ARE pathetic aren't you Krillin?

Krillin: Hey! It is very common for people to hyphenate after marriage.

Vegeta: But YOU took HER name!

Krillin: She has...ahem...ways of persuasion.

#18: I hit him.

Vegeta: Some well rounded couple doc . I don't suppose next you'll be introducing O.J. and Nicole Simpson.

Bulma: Oh shut up Vegeta, at least he HAS a last name.

Vegeta: Surnames are redundant! But I suppose if I were to adopt one it would probably one you can relate to. How's Jockstrap sound to you?

Bulma: Better than anything else you've come up with King Eggplant? Or is it Prince? I sometimes forget because it's not like you MENTION IT ALL THE FUCKING TIME! Speaking of which, don't you need a Kingdom to be the Prince of anything? Oh I'm sorry, it exploded didn't it? But if you're still in the market for a rock full of smelly, flea-bitten apes I hear Madagascar's open.

Vegeta: Not too flea-bitten and smelly for you apparently.

Gohan:(Whispers to Videl) Man am I glad we're not as big a train-wreck as them.

Vegeta: What did you say bitch?!

Gohan: Uh...w-w-well I'm just sayin', maybe you guys should try listening to each other and talking about your problems. Videl and I know our relationship is so strong that we can tell each other anything. In fact, the other day we were just-

Vegeta: Wait a sec. You've been married for almost a year and you're telling me you don't hate each other's guts?

Videl: That is why people get married y'know-because they're IN LOVE?

Gohan: Yeah, I mean we both have so much in common. I like Applied dynamics, she reads book with the word applied dynamics in them...

Videl: We both like our Ribeyes flame broiled, medium rare with just a hit of cilantro for garnishment.

Bulma: Here's another one...you're both full of shit.

Gohan: BULMA!

Chi-Chi: Gohan, I'm your mommy and I love you...but you come off as quite toolish dear.

Gohan: MOM!

Krillin: Now wait just a flubber-rubbin' second. Since when did liking the same things constitute being a tool? Since when was appreciating your significant other a bad thing? I think you guys should cut Gohan a break, or maybe you can't because you're jealous...yeah that's it! You're all just jealous because Gohan and I have been married men for only a short while and are objectively better at it than either of you!

Vegeta: Is that so, Bilbo? Care to test that little theory of yours?

Krillin: I don't have to prove anything to you Vegeta! We're not in High school.

Vegeta: Well you got me beat, you're definitely smarter than me Krillin, I guess that's why #18-sorry-Lazuli lets you speak.

Krillin: I beg your pardon?

Vegeta: Well seeing as how you belong to her and all with the surname business-but it's fine-despite that she still lets you have a say. I admire your "relationship".

Krillin: Own me? I, sir, am an individual with my own mind. I don't belong to anyone-and furthermore I can do whatever the hell I want! I'm not some slave as you put it! If anything, I own her.

#18:Excuse me?

Krillin: Well honey it IS in the bible.

#18: You rotten, little, dung-digging, creature of contempt. You frog nosed, crab-faced little scrotum eating half-man! Who do you think you are?!

Krilllin: Your HUSBAND that's who and I don't appreciate you talking to me like that!

#18: Oh I'm sorry...what was I thinking? You're not a crab-faced scrotum eating half-man...you're a chauvinistic, unkempt , pissant that just happens to look like a crab-faced little scrotum eating half-man!

Krillin: Here we go again with the name-calling. I thought we'd outgrown that.

#18: Yeah, and that seems to be the ONLY thing you've outgrown.

Krillin: You expect me to lie here and take this from you?

#18: You're used to it.

Krillin: ONE TIME!

Counselor: Okay, let's just calm down and take a breath for juuuuust a sec-

#18: Breathe? I can't even hear myself think with Captain Wheezer's constant mouth-breathing.

Krillin: Kinda hard to breathe when you HAVE NO NOSE! But I guess we can't all breathe fire.

Gohan: Hehehe.

Videl: Uh Gohan...what're you doing dear?

Gohan: Sorry sweetie it's just...it was kinda funny.

Videl: So comparing opinionated women to a fire breathing mystical creature is funny?

Gohan: Mythical creature? I had a pet dragon for TWO-YEARS!

Videl: You didn't answer my question.

Gohan: Honey, I think you're being ridiculous.

Videl: Did you just call me stupid?!

Gohan: What? No! I just think what you said was stupid.

Videl: So now my words are stupid to you.

Gohan: I'll put it like this-there's a reason Kami invented fallacio.

Videl: Yeah, so a Nerd like you has something other than his mom's tits to put in their mouth you fucking Momma's boy!

Gohan: I am NOT a goddamn Momma's boy!

Chi-Chi: Watch your mouth!

Gohan: Sorry mommy.

#18: You see? Men are all the same! You give them the slightest bit of leeway and they think they can walk all over you.

Bulma: Quote for truth honey! I mean not only does he think he owns you but he thinks he can tell you what to wear! I mean black and white stripes with a cowgirl vest? Where does he get his fashion sense and old western wanted poster?

#18: Krillin doesn't tell me what to wear.

Bulma: Did I mention how cute your shoes are? Rubber boots are so...yeah.

Vegeta: Very nice Bulma, I guess you don't get to be the smartest person in the world without pointing out the obvious.

#18: Who asked you King Spandex? You'd think with all the cash your wife has on hand you'd be able to afford more than three outfits. But I guess common sense doesn't run in the family.

Vegeta: That may be so but From the looks of your daughter, apparently lumpiness runs in yours.

#18: You leave my baby out of this.

Vegeta: I'm sorry but the first time I saw her I was so sure she was some sort of inbred potato child.

#18: THAT'S IT! ROUND 2 MOTHERFUCKER!

Vegeta: You wanna go bitch?! WE CAN GO!

Counselor: Well, back to the pipe I go.

[End Chapter]