Void
In darkness, there is light. In light, there is darkness. One cannot exist without the other. Within the darkness, the virtuous can perceive light. Within the light, the maleficent can perceive darkness. The same is true with good and evil. The two coexist in a mutual harmony, perfectly at balance in the natural world. It is only when one of a pure or black heart decides to intervene that the scales are tipped. For there is no such thing as true good or evil; there is merely a neutral power being exercised with wicked or holy intentions.
They had begun as dreams. Infrequent at first; just the occasional occurrence once every other night or so. However, as the time away from him grew, so did the regularity and ferocity of the dreams.
They had even begun to occur when Deidara was awake; it was to the point where he was unsure of his reality. He could no longer tell when he was waking or deep in slumber. The world had blurred together until nothing was clear but Sasori's presence.
It was no longer possible to ignore.
In the beginning, they were mere visions; whenever Deidara was in the arms of a stranger, the taste of their manic sweat and lust heavy, enveloping him in a rough embrace, Deidara would dream of Sasori; his cruel yet caring touch, his cold-as-iron façade—or was it genuine—and the familiarity about him: the warmth he exuded, the care embedded within the core of hatred, the resolute foundation that Sasori provided him.
They were reminders, memoires of the times they spent together where Deidara was the world to Sasori; a time when he was more than just a source of income. A time where Deidara believed Sasori's proclamations that they would escape the small apartment, make it big, and spend every day without a care in the most expensive suite in the city. All of this, they would achieve together.
That dream died with Sasori's innocence. Debts piled up, Sasori became colder and colder with each passing day, and Deidara became nothing more than a tool to be used as Sasori saw fit.
The man that had meant more to Deidara than anyone—after all, he had taken him in when his parents had abandoned him. He had given him a home, food, and, most importantly, a purpose.
Deidara just never imagined that such a wonderful fantasy could become something so wicked.
As time passed, Sasori became more distant. His once loving touch became cruel and barbaric, cold lust replacing the once blazing fires of passion that dwelled within his heart.
As Sasori grew colder, Deidara's own existence became a mirror of Sasori's heart. He lost his reason—the drive, the will—to live. It started with whispers, shadows coaxing him with slender, tendril fingers when he was awake, winter nymphs breathing the secrets of eternal life into his ears when he was asleep.
An entirely new world blossomed from nothingness, a world of ice and mirrored lakes; a world where Deidara could retreat and be spared from Sasori's rage.
Amidst all of this, residing at the dead equinox within the glittering citadel of ice, there dwelled a being composed of winter, ice, and bone.
"What is your name?" Deidara had asked.
"I have many names," the creature had replied, her voice tinkling like a thousand glass chimes. "I am the Eternal Winter, I am the Goddess of Bone, I am Beauty from Pain, I am the Destroyer of Souls, but, first and foremost, I was known as Anorexia… but you may call me Angel…
Sasori had become more and more prevalent lately. Deidara could not escape him; he was everywhere he looked: in the droplets of the shower, in the cuts lacing his body, in the darkness that eternally tormented Deidara, in the food that Deidara refused to put into his body, in the cold clarity that came about from resisting Tobi. He was the warmth in the sheets, the ominous sheen of the walls, the shadows just within the darkness.
He was everything Deidara feared, and the nothingness Deidara craved.
However, his heart had long ago given in unto the ice floes that coalesced in his veins.
Deidara had suddenly been thrown into the blizzard that emanated from Sasori's heart, and his soul wasn't ready for the cold. His body withered, his mind became clouded in the snowstorm, and the ghosts crept into his bones for shelter….
And then, out of nowhere, Tobi arrived. He became the flame that forced away the chill, melted the ice, and freed Deidara from his eternal winter.
Or so he thought.
Sasori had begun to regain control. They were brittle chains, but Deidara was too weak to break free from the icy manacles that seemed to weigh him down.
He was unsure of Tobi, afraid of Sasori, and lost in himself. There wasn't any way to turn, no path for him to follow where a light shone bright and radiant at the end of the journey. There was only the darkness of his own soul, and the choice of winter or fire.
Deidara didn't know if he had the strength to make such a decision.
However, at this time, Deidara only knew that he had to see Tobi. Confront him, believe in him, hate him, trust him, forsake him, love him, escape him. It didn't matter as long as he reached the grand culmination of his feelings.
The hallway seemed to stretch on forever, shadows lurking just beyond his vision, waiting to lunge out and curl up inside Deidara's skull, his ribs, his soul—anything just to keep him in the darkness.
Deidara was sick of the dark. His own heart had become a mirror of Sasori's with time; a glacial core of black ice, emanating nothing but bitter resentment towards the world.
The thorns had coiled through Deidara's body, but they were frozen by the storm, never to blossom into the radiant roses that dreamed of the day where they could cast off their jagged exterior and unfurl their petals into the sunlight.
Deidara blinked, and the distance halved. Another step forward and the distance nearly disappeared. He was so tantalizingly close to the door, the onyx gateway that had to be thrown open in order to reach Elysium.
He placed his pale hands against the cool stone, the remaining heat in his body pouring into the surface of the ore. His strength was all but gone, but Deidara found this strength within himself to force open the door.
It gave with little resistance, though the sheer weight of the door threatened to crush Deidara. He half stepped, half fell into the room, and sitting quietly by a dull fire, once more concealed by the black cloak that masked his every feature, rested Tobi. A black book was resting in his lap, symbols that were arcane and foreign to Deidara tracing the bindings, and two crimson discs acknowledged Deidara as he entered.
For a long while, there existed nothing but tenuous silence. Neither one wanted to break it; for fear of breaking the dams and unleashing a flood of emotions that no one was prepared to endure. So the two remained in silent regard, eyes not straying from the other.
Finally, Tobi broke the silence. "I am surprised to see you up."
The sentence lacked emotion. It was simply an apparent truth.
"I am surprised that my feet took me here." Deidara replied evenly. Tobi's eyes blazed—with anger or with hurt?
"Well, you are here now. Nothing can be done about that. Do you wish to return to your room?"
Right from the beginning, Deidara could sense something was off. Deidara opened his mouth to reply. He would love nothing more than to return to his room, block out the entire world, and shelter his heart from any and all emotion. However, he didn't want to face the cold alone. He didn't want to be alone.
"No." Deidara couldn't muster anything else.
Tobi didn't question him. He simply patted the seat on the couch next to him. Deidara hesitated.
"I don't bite, I promise." Tobi chuckled. There was no humor in his voice, however. At least, not that Deidara could perceive. The air of unease intensified, and he felt his heart beating against his hollow bones.
Deidara reluctantly obliged. He dragged his weary body over and gratefully sat down. Tobi's arm lightly came to rest on his shoulder, and Deidara winced.
He didn't understand his feelings towards Tobi, but he was sure that they were not love. Not yet.
Tobi's arm snaked its way further down his shoulder, forming loose coil that both calmed and sent a flutter of nerves through him.
It would have been easy to give in. Right there, right in that moment—to just let the tides drag him out into the depths of the ocean where he could live out his final breaths in tranquility.
However, Deidara still had a little fight left in him.
"Tobi."
The word left its mark in the air; a sour note that reverberated over and over, poisoning the space around it.
Tobi's hold tightened. Deidara tensed up, muscled coiling, readying themselves for action. Deidara tried to shake Tobi off, but his hold was iron-like.
"Tobi let me go."
"Just sit with me for a while…" With a heavy heart Deidara finally realized what was happening. He should have noticed it sooner, but he was still weak from his encounter with Sasori.
There had been many a night when his patrons carried this aura, the detestable ichor of drunkenness. The smell of liqueur pervaded every cell in Deidara's being now that he was close.
And Deidara always knew what would come next.
Cruel hands, a rough caress, a loveless violation of his body.
He had to leave now. If he didn't, there was a chance that Tobi would wrap his mind around a singular thought. If that were to happen, there wasn't a chance in hell for Deidara to escape.
He thrust himself forward with what little strength he could manage, and, surprisingly, Tobi's arm unlocked from his shoulder and Deidara fell to the ground.
Scrambling to his feet, Deidara began shuffling towards the door. Tobi cut him off almost instantaneously. It still amazed Deidara how fast he seemed to be able to move.
"Stay." Tobi commanded.
"Tobi, you're drunk. I'm tired. Please… just let me go."
The words died as soon as they left his lips. Tobi lunged forward, pinning Deidara against the stone wall, his spine meeting the onyx in a cruel embrace. Tobi's hands locked pressed his up against the wall, and, for a while, Tobi's blazing eyes bored into Deidara's.
Whatever you are searching for… whatever you think you will gain from this… it isn't there. I promise.
"Tobi, please. You're hurting me." Deidara whimpered.
Tobi slowly craned his neck forward, and Deidara shivered as his lips grazed his neck. A solemn tear rolled down his cheek.
He didn't want this. Any of this. He didn't want Sasori to manifest himself through Tobi. One was enough.
Tobi's tongue tested the pale flesh of Deidara's neck, his teeth clamping down after he found it satisfactory.
"Stop… Please." Deidara was on the verge of falling apart. From one nightmare to the next, it seemed.
Tobi placed Deidara's left hand under the right, reasserting his grip with one hand, and his free hand began to trail down towards Deidara's stomach.
"No…"
"Shhh. It won't hurt. I promise. I'll take it nice and—"
"—NO!" Deidara screamed. The next few seconds happened so quickly that Deidara's mind couldn't grasp ahold of everything. Tobi was thrown back through the air and against a wall as if a gust of wind had materialized inside the room, cracks veined the once seamless floor, and, as Tobi's eyes flared a brilliant crimson, the fire seemed to erupt into an unstoppable blaze, and Deidara's mind was consumed by darkness…
It is far better to be feared than loved. ~Niccolo Machiavelli~
Betrayal hurts far worse than any wound from a blade possibly could. It wasn't merely a brief moment that came and went in a surge of fervor; no, it was a deep, brooding resentment that festered in the soul, poisoning the body that it resided in.
The pain would never seem to subside, and, when it finally ebbed back to a dull ache, it pulled with it the very life force of the being like the tide carries away the helpless infant. With the breaking of the chains came the razor clarity of reality, and the drop from oblivion had shattered Deidara's spirit.
He didn't want to eat. He didn't want to breathe. He didn't want to live. For, what hope was there now? Sure, Tobi hadn't been an absolute certainty, but he was something to believe in. Something for Deidara to place faith in when he talked to God and the sky was empty.
In an instant, everything Deidara had trusted had fallen apart like an angel of glass caught in a hurricane.
And, like the angel, Deidara would never find all the pieces to put it back together.
He didn't want to open his eyes; what was there that could bring light into the pervasive blackness that consumed him?
There was only nothingness. The scrim of crystalline ice that he had treaded so carefully upon, the final barrier between him and the plummet into despairing eternity, had been shattered in the span of an instant.
He had nothing. There was no longer a familiar entity, no longer a place that his soul could call home. He couldn't return to the past, and he couldn't look to the future.
Deidara knew nothing of the world beyond his sheltered existence, the mirrored bubble that had encased him for so long; only reflecting back his own life on the outside of the boundaries.
It was time to break free.
He opened his eyes, the world around him still hazy. He hadn't moved from the spot where he had slipped into sweet unconsciousness. Tobi still rested against the stone walls—apparently he had blacked out with Deidara.
From this angle, Tobi almost looked… vulnerable. He couldn't protect himself should Deidara decide to inflict pain upon him…
Why am I even thinking about that? No way in hell am I turning into Sasori. The longer Deidara gazed at Tobi's unconscious form, the more horror rose within his being. He had done that to him. Not Sasori, not one of his former clientele seeking vengeance for whatever insignificant reason they so desired, but him.
Deidara slowly got to his feet, his thin legs shaky but stable, and, with a painfully slow motion, Deidara made his way over to Tobi. He slid down the hood of the cloak revealing Tobi's beautiful face. The once-pure complexion was now marred with numerous cuts and scrapes. Tobi's crimson eyes were dull, fogged over, not with the scrim of death, but with the veil of dreams… or perhaps a nightmare. A lump rose in Deidara's throat as he noticed a red stream trickling down Tobi's neck, pooling in his collar bone before continuing its path down his clothed chest.
Deidara gently placed his fingers against the back of Tobi's neck, his touch instantly greeted by the sickening heat of lifeblood. He pulled back his hand and gazed at his fingers, dumbstruck. They were coated in fresh blood, the fluid claret that was expelled before the body had time to congeal the wound.
Deidara couldn't breathe.
What have I done… I'm a monster… no… he, he assaulted me. The memory was still a blur. Tobi had come onto Deidara, drunk of course… but, what had Deidara done to him? In an instant, Tobi had been thrown back by an unforeseen force.
Deidara didn't understand any of it. For the first time in his life, he was afraid of himself—afraid of the power that seemed to dwell within him. He couldn't be around Tobi, not after he done something so horrible to him. Tobi just sat there, slumped against the wall; his form devoid of all the former life that dwelled within him.
Fortunately, his chest still rose and fell, the sound of air filling his lungs slightly thick and fluid rather than clean and clear.
He couldn't stay. He couldn't possibly stay here anymore. Not after what he had done.
How was he supposed to even meet Tobi's gaze, let alone apologize for this. Tobi had taken him in from hell, and Deidara had repaid this kindness with pain and suffering.
His choice was clear: he had to leave, and he had to leave now.
He quickly hurried to the room where he had been staying (most of the time spent asleep) and changed into the simplest, most inconspicuous clothes he could find. In this case, a black hoodie and black skinny jeans served his purpose. He quickly slipped on his black converse, laced the shoes, his fingers shaking uncontrollably all the while, and headed to the door.
He didn't have any money, but he couldn't bring himself to rob Tobi. It would be the final insult, the last thread unraveled that became his ultimate undoing. He was many things, but he would never resort to thievery unless it was a life or death matter.
"Goodbye… Tobi."
He opened the door and started to leave, but, a pang out regret stabbed through him. He couldn't leave… not just yet. There was something he had to do first. He grabbed a piece of paper, uncapped one of Tobi's fountain pens, and set to work on his task…
Tobi awoke with a headache. No, that would be an understatement. The headache to end all headaches, the emperor of headaches, the grand master headache champion.
He hadn't been caught off-guard like that in quite a long time. And, the worst part of it all, he knew he deserved it.
Damn it. I'm so fucking stupid… you just had to have one more drink huh? Now look, you probably scared Deidara half to death…
Deidara! Tobi jumped to his feet. The one thing he hadn't been counting on was for Deidara's powers to resurface so soon. There was the incident with the shower, but Tobi had chalked that up to mere coincidence.
However, Tobi had just witnessed them firsthand, and they were much stronger than he had anticipated. He shouldn't have been able to wield them like that, not untrained at least.
He cursed silently as he rose to his feet, partially due to the pain that flooded his body, partially due to the fact that he was a royal idiot who had decided that getting plastered was a good idea when a beautiful, emotionally unstable time bomb was living with him.
He was mortified with himself. He loved Deidara more than he would ever realize; why did he keep fucking up at ever turn?
Deidara… I need to apologize to him. Tobi opened his mouth to call out to him, but, suddenly, things felt wrong. The room dropped in temperature, and a malignant presence materialized in front of him.
"Sasori," Tobi said impatiently, "You have made a mistake coming here. I will not let you escape this time."
"Why?" Sasori's voice was a razor blade, "What am I going to do? Steal Deidara away? He has already taken that upon himself."
"What… what do you mean?" Tobi's voice faltered. What the hell is he talking about… Deidara is right… His eyes fell to where he had seen Deidara black out, just before he himself had followed suit.
Nothing.
"Sasori I swear to—"
"And what will you do?" Sasori laughed darkly, "You cannot touch me. I have broken no law, I have infringed upon nothing. Deidara is gone of his own accord. You cannot—"
"ENOUGH," The room was washed in crimson fire, and Sasori's presence dissipated instantaneously. The furniture caught ablaze, and the stone walls began to drip onto the floor as the heat forced them to give way.
Tobi sank to his knees. His eyes flared, searching for signs of Deidara's presence in the penthouse, but there was nothing. The haze that has engulfed his mind had finally disappeared, and he realized that Deidara was gone.
"Damn it." Tobi cried, biting back tears. He rammed his fist into the walls where it embedded itself a foot deep into the stony surface. "He was here… he was alone and scared, and I… I drove him away. Deidara… I'm sorry… I…"
Tobi's voice trailed off. He noticed that there was something tucked into the collar of his shirt, a pure-white sheet of parchment.
Tobi's fingers closed around the paper, quickly and expertly unfolding it. Tobi's eyes began to cloud over as he read the words written upon the paper.
"Tobi, I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't be the person that you wanted me to be. I'm sorry that I caused you nothing but trouble since you let me into your home. I'm sorry you paid so much for me, only for me to hurt you… and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I grew to 'love' like you. I'm sorry that you saw something in me that just wasn't there. I don't know why you bought me, and, perhaps, I never will, but I want you to know that you have changed my life for the better. I hope you understand why I cannot stay… I don't know… what you remember, but I promise I didn't mean to hurt you. I… I'm going now. Don't try to find me… please. It would be better that way, for both of us. You freed me from Sasori. You broke the chains that have bound me for so long. I… grew attached to you, but… I'm sorry. 'I love you and I wish that I could tell you, but it doesn't make any sense for me to love you… You made me feel alive… you made me forget about all the pain in my life. You forced away the winter that has enveloped my soul for years now… You saw my bones and saw beauty… not the emaciated being that so many have come to view as nothing more than a whore…' I wish I could tell you how I feel, but it doesn't matter anymore. Goodbye, Tobi…"
Tobi crumpled the note in his hands and wept.
The silence of the night was broken by a grown man breaking down into child sized sobs; the sound of a man being reduced to nothing but tears and regret.
A/N: Ayyyyyy Yo. So, weird chapter. Not quite all over the place, but it didn't really hone in on anything. I suppose this would be a filler... with a cliffhanger? Whatevez. I will be more diligent soon because I finally have more time to write. Idk. I feel like Tobi is a tad uncharacteristic, but it worked so eh. R&R give me life, seriously. You people reviewing make me so happy. It gives me a reason to push on ya feel? Anyway, umm, don't judge me too hard. I wrote the sections of this chapter rather spaced apart, so the mood changes a little harshly. Okay, I love you :3 yus I do. Ahem, also, the freaking word program whatever it is on here refused to let me cross out the letters and words, ya know? Like someone wrote them, but erased them. Wintergirls? No? Okay. Anyway, so the last paragraph is sort of confusing. I hope the single quotations helped separate the thoughts a little.
SoleixDeidara
We are broken,
What must we do to restore,
Our innocence,
And oh, the promise we adored? ~Paramore~