Chapter 5: Tris – Planning

I wake up to the sound of Uriah laughing.

"No, there's no dash after it. You just spelled 'mina.'"

"What's a mina?" Christina asks.

Cara answers, "It's a type of bird" at the same time Uriah says, "It's less than maja."

I join them in time to see Christina smack Uriah on the arm. "Hey, some of us haven't had ten years to practice this! I think I'm doing pretty well."

Cara purses her lips and says, "Objectively speaking, I'm not sure I'd agree with that. The vowels are pretty basic, you know."

Christina's eyes land on me, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry. Did we wake you? I mean it's only one o'clock."

"I had trouble falling back asleep this morning," I mutter. "What are you doing, anyway?"

"Well," Christina says, "it turns out that Zeke and Uriah have been using this thing called Morris code to communicate secretly for years."

"Morse code," Uriah corrects her, rolling his eyes. "And it was useful. We could pass messages without Mom catching us." Looking at me, he adds, "I thought it might be good for us," and he gestures around the room, "to have another way of communicating. You know, in case someone comes into the building or something like that."

"Good idea," I say, and it is. We have no idea what we're facing, and having a backup means of communication can only help. With a pang, I remember Lynn and Shauna making faces to each other as we spied on Jack Kang. That was their secret code, and it worked, but it led to Shauna being paralyzed.

"See, I told you I'm smart," Uriah says to Christina. Then, he looks at me again and adds, "We ate a bunch of the food, but we saved you half a can of stew." He nods toward the kitchen counter, and I see the can sitting there with a spoon stuck into it.

"Mmm, appetizing," I comment, as I step over to pick it up. It tastes like tin and congealed fat, but I eat it anyway. We need to keep our strength up, and I won't do that by starving.

We spend the next few hours learning Morse code, and I begin to understand Christina's frustration. I may have an aptitude for Erudite, but that doesn't mean everything comes naturally, and I find it very difficult to figure out when Uriah is pausing between letters.

"Sorry," he mutters after what seems like the hundredth time we mistake "a" for "et." "I guess Zeke and I got really used to each other's timing. Siblings are good at that, you know." The moment the words leave his mouth, a stricken expression crosses his face, and he glances between me and Cara like he's sure he's offended one or both of us.

"Oh, relax," Cara says with mild irritation. "My brother's dead and hers is a traitor. Life goes on. We can stand it if you mention your brother."

I laugh. I'm not entirely sure why, but something about Cara's calm in-your-face answer appeals to me. A moment later, though, it sinks in just how many people we've all lost. Al. Will. My parents. Marlene. Lynn. And Caleb in a way.

"Yeah," I say quietly. "We have to find a way to keep going, don't we?"

Suddenly, I'm wondering when Tobias will be back, and I'm keenly aware that he didn't take a weapon with him. Alone among the Dauntless, he walked away from yesterday with two guns – his own and the one I handed to him when I surrendered. He left them here for us, and I know it was sensible. If he brought one to Erudite, it would just be confiscated, and then we'd have one less option. Still, I don't like the thought of Tobias being unarmed in that place.

"Time to practice walking!" Christina says emphatically, changing the subject, and I seize the opportunity to help her to her feet.

We pace up and down the hallway together, slowly at first but faster as Christina masters the crutch. Eventually, she starts carrying a gun in her free hand, pausing to aim periodically. I should do that too, I know, but whenever she hands it to me so she can adjust her crutch, it's all I can do to avoid dropping it. I was hoping it would be easier now, after firing at myself in yesterday's simulation, but it's not. I wonder if I'll ever stop picturing Will's face when my fingers touch that metal.

As the day drags on, it gets harder and harder not to worry about Tobias. The others try to distract me, but I keep obsessing over images of him being walked between guards down the long hallways of Erudite, limping from whatever torture he just endured. How could I have let him go there alone?

By eight o'clock, I'm a nervous wreck and am seriously considering rescue options. My feet retrace the same path over and over, and I can't seem to avoid growling at anyone who dares to keep me company. I wonder if this is how Tobias felt when I went to Erudite. No, I realize grimly. That was much worse. At least now I can hope that Tobias will come back safely any moment. He didn't have any hope.

When he finally emerges from the stairway, I run to him, wrapping my arms around him in relief. I think I feel a wince go through his body at the contact, but a second later, I'm sure I must have imagined it, because he wraps his arms around me as tightly as ever and kisses me deeply.

"What took you so long?" I ask when he releases me. I can't keep the worry out of my voice.

"Things didn't go well," he answers in a low voice. "I don't think I can go back there again." I pull away a little, searching his face in the dim light, but he adds, "I'll have to tell you about it later. Right now, we need to talk to the others."

We sit huddled around the flashlight, looking at a small piece of paper that Zeke gave to Tobias.

Zip-lining

Midnight

Bring friends & goodies

It obviously isn't really zip-lining. I can't imagine anyone being in the mood for that right now. Besides, Zeke must know that Tobias avoids heights.

"I assume it's a meeting at the Hancock building," I say, "but what are the goodies?"

"Guns," Tobias and Uriah answer simultaneously.

"Even I got that," Christina adds, and I laugh.

Uriah, on the other hand, looks serious for a change. He says quietly, "But we only have two guns for five of us. That's not enough."

"No, it isn't," Tobias answers calmly. "Fortunately, I know where to get more if we need them." He looks at the small group of us, his eyes pausing on Christina's leg and Cara's face before he adds, "But first we should decide who's going."

"We all go!" Christina exclaims. "I've gotten much better on the crutch, and there's no way I'm staying behind. Besides, as long as the factionless aren't there, I shouldn't be in any danger. The Dauntless don't hate me." She gives Tobias a pointed look.

He ignores the implied accusation. "Can you use a gun right now?" he asks instead, his gaze drifting again to her injured leg.

"I don't aim with my feet," she answers sarcastically. But of course she knows how much Tobias always talks about the importance of stance, so she adds, "and yes, I've been practicing all afternoon like a good little Dauntless." Tobias apparently accepts that, because his eyes move on to Cara.

"I'm going too," she says immediately. "I want to hear what people have to say, and like Christina, I'm probably not in any real danger. And while I'm not a fan of guns, I do know how to use one." My surprise must show on my face, because she smiles slightly and adds, "Christina showed me how the first time I helped you all, in Candor." For me, the words are an uncomfortable reminder. The two of them became close while mourning Will, and perhaps because they both hated me for shooting him.

Tobias looks at Uriah next, though I'm not sure why. There's certainly nothing stopping him from going.

"Why are you even asking?" Uriah says. "Of course I'm going."

Tobias' eyebrows pucker, and he responds, "What I'm really asking is why you're here at all. You weren't facing trial or even in trouble. You could be safely at Erudite with Zeke."

Uriah looks away, his expression pained, or perhaps embarrassed. After a moment, he says, "You guys are the only friends I have left." Then he looks back at Tobias and adds, "And you hid my Divergence. You know, during initiation. You kind of saved my life."

"You don't owe me anything for that," Tobias says sternly. "My initiation instructor, Amar, did the same thing for me. I was just passing the favor on."

"Yeah, and he's dead now, isn't he?" Uriah asks quietly. "So I know you were taking a chance. Besides, it's my life, so it seems like a big deal to me." He gives a small smile, but he continues to look at Tobias almost challengingly, and Tobias finally nods.

His eyes turn to me next, but I'm busy thinking about what Uriah just said. Somehow, it never really occurred to me how much danger Tobias and Tori put themselves in to hide my Divergence. And I stabbed Tori yesterday….

Tobias clears his throat to get my attention and asks, "If you carry a gun, will you be able to use it?"

"I don't know," I admit, biting my lip nervously. It feels so weak to say that, and I hate admitting to weakness, particularly in front of Tobias. I should be stronger than this. I need to be stronger than this.

Tobias stares at me, and I'm sure he must be annoyed, even though his eyes just look thoughtful. I'd be annoyed if I were him.

Finally, he stands up and says, "I suggest we break into two groups for now. Christina, it will take you longer to walk, so you and Cara should head straight there. Uriah, if you wouldn't mind taking one of the guns and going with them, you can be their point person. Tris and I can retrieve the other weapons and meet you there." His eyes rest on mine for a moment, making sure I don't object to going with him, and then he continues. "There's an old park at Chestnut and Wabash – we'll meet there before anyone heads into the Hancock building."

We don't talk as we walk down the dark, quiet streets. The air is too silent, and any noise feels like a pointless risk. Tobias keeps a hand lightly on me, as he did during the long walk from Erudite to Abnegation, as if he's afraid I might disappear into the night without it. His other hand holds the gun ready at all times. I can't help but wonder what happened at Erudite today that has him so jumpy.

We walk for what feels like hours, though I suspect it's really less than two miles. The tension just makes it seem longer. Eventually, Tobias leads me into an abandoned building whose windows have been shattered. Broken glass litters the lobby, mingled with years' worth of dirt and debris. It doesn't look like anyone has been here in decades.

Tobias leads me carefully through the room, and I realize he's sticking to a path that hides our footsteps. He's clearly been here before.

At the back of the lobby, hidden from the street, is a door to a staircase, and we climb to the third floor. Here, the building is in better shape, though there are no lights of any kind other than the moon filtering through the windows at each end of the hallway. Tobias fiddles with the knob on one of the doors, smiling slightly as he whispers, "I modified it so it would seem locked."

After a moment, the knob turns, and Tobias leads me into a completely dark space.

"Hang on a second," he mutters as he shuts the door behind us, sealing out any residual light from the hallway. I hear him moving in the darkness, and then a light comes on, and I blink rapidly in the sudden brightness.

As my eyes adjust, I find myself staring around in wonder. We're standing in an old apartment with a grand, arched ceiling. It once had large windows, but they've since been boarded up, and there's a layer of blankets covering them to ensure no light seeps through. There's a folding chair next to a kerosene stove, with a mattress stretching out on the other side. Piles of supplies fill the rest of the room – blankets, canned goods, multiple flashlights and portable lamps, and a stack of weapons.

"What is this place?" I ask quietly.

"It's where I was going to live," Tobias answers, his eyes on mine, "when I was planning to leave Dauntless and go factionless. Before I met you." He gives a little smile and adds, "I wasn't fond of my mother then, so I had no intention of joining the other factionless, and after I learned about the attack the Erudite were planning, I knew I needed weapons and a place to hide them. So, I found somewhere no one else was using, and I brought stuff here, a little at a time."

"This is incredible," I say, wondering how on earth he got the mattress here. "Why didn't we come here last night?"

Tobias looks uncomfortable. "It was kind of far for Christina to walk," he says after a moment. Then, I think he must remember that we're being honest with each other, because he adds, "And I'm not sure how much to trust her right now. I think she cares more about Dauntless than the others, and she may not be happy with ending the factions."

I have to think about that for a moment before deciding he's right. Cara's faction destroyed itself when it started the war, and somehow I get the feeling that Uriah only chose Dauntless because his family was there. He would probably have been just as happy in Amity, or living factionless. Neither of them will care too much that Tobias betrayed Dauntless, but Christina might.

"I see your point." Then, I smile and add, "I guess this can be our private space."

Tobias grins and steps close to me. He slides a hand through my hair and wraps it around the back of my head, leaning down to bring his lips to mine. He kisses me slowly, and the heat rises through me at the same pace. I could stay like this all night, but he pulls back and says softly, "It's too bad we have to go."

Clearing my throat hastily, I say, "Yeah, I guess we do. So, we need two more guns, right?"

"Three," he says firmly. "But first, we need to figure out a way for you to use one. And I think I have an idea for that…."

He takes the gun he was carrying and carefully unloads it while I watch. When he finishes, he holds it up in front of me so I have to look at it.

"One of these probably saved my life today," he says, and I start, looking up at him in concern.

"What?!"

He makes a little movement with his hand, as if to brush away the worry. "I'm fine. I wasn't paying enough attention, and I ended up in a room with twenty Dauntless…who don't like me very much right now."

I reach toward him instinctively, placing my hand over his heart, as I stare at him wide-eyed. I knew he winced when I touched him earlier. And suddenly, I'm furious with my faction.

"What did they do to you?"

But he continues without answering my question. "My point is that there's more than one way to use a gun. Therese got me out of there by shooting a window. It got everyone's attention, and it scared them into backing off. Without shooting anyone. And it made me think that maybe you could use this again if you can learn how to aim differently."

He turns me gently so my back is pressed against his chest and I'm facing across the room toward one of the old windows. "Hold this in front of you," he commands, and I take the gun in my clammy hands. My fingers instantly object, but he wraps his own hands around mine, clamping them in place, and together we hold the gun in front of us. I can feel his body pressed against me, his chin resting on the top of my head, and his strength holds me in place.

"Picture yourself standing in a doorway in Erudite," he says softly. "The room is filled with makeshift beds, and Dauntless are leaping across them to attack me." My heart starts pounding, and I feel sweat breaking out on my palms and my face.

"I know you don't want to shoot them," Tobias continues in the same calm, almost gentle voice. "But you want to stop them. You could shoot a window to do that, couldn't you?"

I nod, swallowing hard.

"Good. Then picture that and squeeze the trigger."

I close my eyes and see Will's face floating in front of me. My breathing is getting more rapid, and my heart is racing. I can't do this. I can't I can't I can't.

Behind me, Tobias says calmly, "Breathe with me. I'm always drawing strength from you. This time, you draw it from me."

The comment surprises me enough to erase the image of Will. "You draw strength from me?"

He laughs. "Constantly. You just don't notice because you have so much to spread around."

A warm, soft feeling goes through me at the words, a feeling that's totally out of place with the gun in my hands. Suddenly, I'm very aware of Tobias' body against my back and his arms pressed along mine. I bet he's never held anyone else like this during target practice. Or maybe ever.

Abruptly, I can picture him in the room of Dauntless, their hands beating into him the way his father's did. Anger surges through me again, and I aim the gun at the imaginary window. I clench my teeth and screw my eyes closed, but I manage to squeeze the trigger.

For a moment, I stand there panting, Tobias still holding me firmly. I breathe with him and feel my heart rate begin to slow down.

"Good," he says. "Now think. Where else could you shoot, besides the window?"

I picture the room again, thinking about his description. "Are all the Dauntless grouped around you?"

"Yes."

"Then, I could shoot into one of the mattresses. That would absorb the bullet enough to keep it from hurting someone, right?" I feel him nod against the top of my head, and I aim at a mattress on the far side of the imaginary room, well away from the people. Again, my finger pulls the trigger. It's easier this time.

"Okay, let's picture a different scenario now. How did Christina get shot yesterday?"

I don't want to think about that, but it's not an unbearable thought, like so many others, so I answer. "We ran into Edward in the stairway. He had a gun and I didn't, and I struggled with him over it. And Christina got shot, and then she shot Edward."

"What could you have done differently if you had a gun?"

I have to think about my answer for a while. Would it have made a difference? After all, Christina had a gun, so it's not like we were unarmed. But Edward had to pull his weapon. If I'd had one aimed at him before then, he probably wouldn't have done that.

The picture is clear in my mind, and I imagine holding the gun out in front of me. But what would I have done if he had pulled his gun anyway? I wouldn't have been willing to kill Edward. He's never been a friend, exactly, but he's not my enemy either. And there's not much else I could have shot in the stairway, with all that metal and cement to make the bullet ricochet, and with all those innocent people below us. Nothing except the dead guard. But a shiver runs up my spine at the idea of shooting his body to distract Edward, and I know I couldn't bring myself to do that, even in my imagination.

"I don't know," I finally whisper. The words feel like a failure.

"Could you have injured him to protect Christina?" Tobias asks. "If there was nothing else to shoot, and if he forced your hand?"

My palms go clammy again, but I push myself to think anyway. I shot Eric in the foot to keep him from killing Tobias. Surely, I could do something like that for Christina.

My hands shake as I aim the gun at Edward's side, where Christina shot him. No, I think, not the side. If I miss even a little, or if he moves unexpectedly, that could kill him. I shift my aim to his arm, a little below where I was shot. Tobias' hands steady mine, and I breathe with him again as I pull the trigger for the third time tonight.

"Uriah this time," Tobias says. "The Dauntless traitors are attacking Candor, and he's in danger." My heart rate rises immediately at the memory, but I lean into Tobias and breathe with him until it slows again. I picture Uriah's kind face as he took me zip-lining and his protectiveness after Peter attacked me. And I know I need to protect him too. Of course I do.

I was on the ground during that attack, so I aim up at the leg of his imaginary attacker, picking my target carefully – the right spot to cause pain but not death. It's much easier to pull the trigger now. I'm getting used to it. Behind me, I can feel Tobias nod.

"Cara's turn. Put her where Peter was, in the Amity compound. Someone is about to shoot her from behind. Cara is between you and the shooter."

My reaction surprises me. When this really happened, I pushed Peter to safety, but now I step sharply to the side, moving away from Tobias for the first time, and shoot around where Cara would be, grazing the gun arm of the person who was shooting. It takes me a moment to understand why it was so much easier this time, but then I get it. She's Will's sister.

Tobias is watching me, his eyes too dark to read. He doesn't step over to me again. Instead, he says very quietly, "Eric is holding a gun to my head."

My hands lift the gun on their own, pointing directly at Eric's imaginary head. For a moment, I hesitate, knowing this is a kill shot, and images flash through my mind unbidden. But they're not images of Will. Instead, I see Eric planning to kill Tobias in cold blood just because he could, Eric shooting a Candor boy in the head simply because he was Divergent, Eric taunting Tobias as the Dauntless prepared to execute him, and suddenly I understand how Tobias fired that gun. But I can't quite do it. My hand lowers slightly, and I fire at Eric's ear. I know that I would do more than that to save Tobias, if it really came down to it, but I hope it never does.

Tobias steps to my side now, his eyes holding mine. His hand slides softly down my free arm, and he laces his fingers with mine. "Let's go," he says.