Chapter 9: Tris - Fearless

By the time it's dark, we've worked out the details of the rescue plan. The actual rescue will take place tomorrow, since Christina and Cara both volunteered to be tested tonight, and Anna wants us to head out late tomorrow night.

I don't know how I hope the test will go. It's been really nice hanging out with Christina again, but I still remember her blank face during the simulation. If she goes with us, and she's not resistant enough, she's a danger to herself and to all of us. And after Will, I know I can't shoot another friend.

We all head toward the Hancock building together, since that's where the outsiders will be meeting the people who want to be tested. Halfway there, Tobias and I break off like we did last night, heading toward his factionless apartment. It's our job to get the rope and the other supplies we'll need for tomorrow and to get it all back to the other apartment at least an hour before dawn.

The moon hasn't risen yet, so it's dark when we enter the damaged lobby. I don't like the thought of walking over all that broken glass without light, but Tobias seems to know the path well, and he leads me through the darkness easily. I wonder how many times he's been here.

We walk to his apartment quietly, feeling the total silence like a pressure in the air. It's funny that we never seem to notice how loud the world is until all the noise is gone.

I breathe a sigh of relief once we're inside the apartment, with the lamplight glowing softly through the room again. It occurs to me that this is probably the safest we'll be for a long time. We should try to enjoy it.

I turn around to comment on that, but I stop at the expression on Tobias' face. He looks serious – and unusually vulnerable.

He clears his throat and begins a bit stiffly, "We said no secrets…so I need to tell you about yesterday..." But his voice trails off like he doesn't know how to continue, and he wraps a hand around the back of his neck as his eyes drift to the floor.

For a moment, I think of his arms around me last night as he taught me to shoot again, so much gentleness in his voice and his hold. And he did that after everything he'd been through – the Dauntless beating him, whatever spooked him so much about his father, the battle, my betrayal, and rescuing me – twice – from Erudite. A rush of affection goes through me, and I step close to him, wrapping my arms around his waist and resting my ear over his heart.

"I think I've guessed most of it," I say quietly.

For a few seconds, he stands there, his body rigid, but then he lets out a shaky breath and runs a hand lightly down my spine, his palm coming to rest on the small of my back and holding me to him as his other hand moves over my hair. It's hard to tell if he's soothing himself or me.

"I've been thinking about it all day," I add. "And the thing is, you're not like Marcus. You're just not."

Tobias stiffens again, and his voice is tense as he says, "You don't know that, Tris. Neither of us can know that. All we know is that I'm not like him now." He pauses, and the next words rip out of him painfully. "My mother says I'm just like he was at my age."

I pull back enough to look at him, a coldness filling me. "She's lying," I say angrily. "She doesn't want you to leave the city, so she's trying to scare you."

He shakes his head, his eyes looking everywhere but at me. "You didn't see her. She was telling the truth."

But I don't believe it.

"No," I say firmly. "She may have convinced herself of that, but that doesn't make her right." I place my palm on his chest, feeling his heartbeat fast and hard, and continue. "The first time I met her, you know what she told me?" He finally looks at me again, shaking his head slightly.

"She said that I'm only temporary in your life. That she's the only one who's permanent." His eyes widen, and I add in the same firm voice, "She wasn't lying when she said it, but was she right?"

For a moment, Tobias just stares at me. His voice sounds strangled when he says, "What?!"

I give a little shrug. "It's her opinion – it's not as simple as truth or lies. She's barely seen you since you were nine, but she's your mother, so she thinks she still knows you better than anyone else does. And she makes assumptions, like how you feel, or that you agree with her, or that you're like her or your dad. But she doesn't know any of that. And she's wrong about this."

He's looking at me desperately, and I know he wants to believe me, but then he shakes his head again, hard. "You heard Amar last night. He practically admitted that the serum changed Marcus…."

But I don't let him finish the thought. "He also said that the serum can't change your fundamental nature. Even if it affected your father, which I'm not sure I believe, that doesn't mean it would do the same thing to you."

Tobias jerks back, his face twisted with some combination of anger and grief. "That doesn't mean it wouldn't, either! Believe me, I want to think I don't have that same flaw in me, but I know what I did under the simulation." His voice is harsh and his breathing ragged as he adds, "I hurt you, and I almost killed you. And you let me. How am I supposed to feel safe after that?"

The words shock through me. All this time, I never wanted to know how it felt to wake up from the simulation, to have to face what you'd done while under it. I never asked Tobias or Christina or anyone else about it, but now I realize how much it's been haunting him. I stare at him helplessly, trying to come up with an answer.

"I need to know," he says roughly, "that if I ever…." He struggles with the words, and I think for a moment that he can't continue, but then he finds his voice again. "If I ever become like him, that you won't just take it. That you'll find a way to stop me. I need to know that, Tris, because trust me, I would much rather die than do that to you."

The words release the lock on my voice, and I say sternly, "Tobias, if the simulation had made you like that, we wouldn't be standing here right now. But it didn't. I couldn't shoot you because you were still you. You hadn't changed." I run a frustrated hand through my hair, trying to figure out how to make Tobias understand, before I continue.

"Think about it – Jeanine threw everything she had at you. She gave you two injections in a row that were loaded with Suggestibility Serum. She projected a special simulation directly at you, one that was supposed to bring out the very worst in you. Then, she made you see me as an enemy in the middle of a war. But despite all that, the most she could get you to do was try to stop me."

I pause to breathe, stepping a little closer again. "You were never cruel, not once the whole time we fought. You didn't hurt me for the sake of hurting me – at all. You had several chances to shoot me, but you didn't. You just kept trying to stop me. And even when the simulation was screaming at you the loudest to kill me, you wouldn't do it. Instead, you woke yourself up."

I shake my head as I add, "You didn't almost kill me, Tobias. You made it clear that you never would, no matter what they do to you."

His breathing is shaky, and his eyes are glued to mine, but I think he's starting to believe me. I step even closer, placing my hands on his chest as I look up at his face.

"Jeanine couldn't change you because you're not like your father. I know I've called you cruel before, but I'm sorry I said that, because it's not true. I only thought it was when I didn't understand your reasons for doing something. But now, I know that I've never seen you be cruel. You're a good person, Tobias, all the way to your core. You're the best person I know."

I give him a little smile and add, "And I'm not afraid of you. Not even a little bit."

For another second, we stare at each other, and then I stand on tiptoes and kiss him. He stays rigid at first, not returning the kiss, but then he dissolves into it. His fingers slide through my hair and hook behind my ears, holding me to him as he deepens the kiss, filling it with passion and some type of wild energy that threatens to set everything inside me on fire.

I'm suddenly aware of just how hot it is in here, and I fumble with my jacket, trying to remove it without letting my lips leave Tobias'. He feels so good pressed against me. But my fingers seem to have stopped working, and he ends up helping me, pushing the coat from my shoulders and letting it fall to the floor before tackling his own.

Finally, both our jackets are off, and then my hands are under his shirt, sliding over his smooth skin, feeling his muscles strong and perfect under my palms. Electricity is crackling everywhere I touch, and our breathing is becoming increasingly erratic. But I can't get enough of him. I feel bold, bolder than I've ever felt before. My fingers find the hem of his shirt, and I push it up, needing it out of the way. He obliges by lifting it over his head and tossing it to the side.

He stands before me, tall and muscular and absolutely amazing, and for a brief moment I remember the first time I saw him without a shirt. I was so nervous then, but right now, there's no fear at all – only a deep yearning and the certainty that this is what I want. He is what I want.

I move my mouth down, kissing him on his chest, and along his stomach, and I smile when he gives a little groan of longing. I've never thought of myself as pretty, but when he looks at me the way he is now, like I'm the only person he could possibly ever want, I feel desirable. I like the feeling.

"I love you, Tobias," I say, my mouth returning to his.

He pulls me to him, his hands on the skin of my lower back, under my shirt, as he kisses me so deeply I almost forget we're two separate people.

"I love you, too," he pants when our lips finally part enough for him to speak. I move to kiss him again, not wanting even a moment's separation between us, but he draws away slightly so he can meet my gaze, his eyes dark and intense. "I love you, Tris," he repeats, his voice deeper this time, and I understand why he's emphasizing it. He wants me to know that he's not just mirroring my words – that he really means it. But I already know that. Of course I do. He's always meant it.

And as I look at him, our hands on each other and our breathing hard, I know this is right. Everything about us is right. I no longer have any doubt about that.

Our eyes hold each other's as I move my fingers down to the hem of my own shirt, where it's bunched up above Tobias' hands. I watch him as I pull it up carefully, lifting it over my head and letting it drop to the floor.

For a split second, I hesitate, wanting to keep my arms up to cover myself as I remember that I'm bony and small breasted, but the thought disappears almost as soon as it comes, lost in the look of awe on Tobias' face as he stares at me.

He grazes his fingertips gently up my sides, his eyes filled with love and desire. "You are so beautiful," he whispers, and in that moment I can't help but believe him.

I thread my fingers through his hair, pulling his mouth down to mine again, and this time he responds instantly. His hands caress my back, and my sides, as he holds me to him, kissing my lips, and then along my jaw, and behind my ear, and then slowly down my neck. When he finds my ravens, a sigh of pleasure escapes from me unbidden. I can feel him smile against my skin.

He straightens enough to meet my eyes, a twinkle of humor mixed in with the deeper emotions that fill his gaze. "So," he says, his voice low, "exactly how many fears do you have these days, Tris?"

A smile forms on my lips. "You'll have to define that word, Tobias," I answer brazenly. "Because right now I have no idea what fear is."

He grins, and in a single, swift motion, he sweeps me off the floor and into his arms, our skin pressing together as he carries me to the mattress. Despite what I just said, a surge of nervousness goes through me at the thought of where this is leading, but it's not like the anxiety I've felt so many times before. It's something I can handle.

And soon, even that apprehension goes away, replaced by a thousand new sensations as he murmurs his last secrets to me, the ones about how he feels and what he'd like to do with me, while we slowly remove the clothing that stands between us. Then, he's reaching back to his pants to get something from the pocket, and we're kissing again, and then more than kissing, and the love and the excitement and the joy and the yearning are mixing together into some new emotion that deserves a name all its own.