I get to thinking that I, that I should call you
I like to think about the first time that I saw you
Thinking about you as if I lost you
Listen to "Lost You (feat. Twin Shadow & D'Angelo Lacy)" (Official Video) | Zeds Dead
While reading this. :)
Right After Ciel Left, Day 1.
The moment the door closed with a sad, angry Ciel leaving, Sebastian felt a heavy feeling in his chest.
He's had no problems watching people leave as they are mad at him, or even leaving for sure, him knowing they'd never be back again. He's always been good at pushing people away if they got too close, or when he was simply just done with them.
But, something didn't feel right about this one. He feels something that feels way too much like regret, seeping into his heart and bones and making him ache, and he doesn't like it one fucking bit.
He immediately goes into the living room and drops down onto the couch on his back, crossing his legs and lights up a cigarette, closing his eyes and letting his lungs feel the burn.
He didn't really have anybody here, he oddly wouldn't do that. He made a promise to Ciel, and he intended to keep it, not letting him see him with another man. Ciel assuming that just made it easier for him to break the news, and make Ciel not want to come back.
He already misses the boy, frowning a bit when the realization hits him that he may have just fucked up something good. He grunts and smokes his cigarette faster, taking out his phone and dials a random fuck buddy, setting up a date and groans, not liking the odd feeling sitting in his chest and weighing him down.
When the man arrives, he takes his anger out on the body, having an orgasm that doesn't even really feel like anything, making him even angrier.
Day 2
You know when you sit there and really think about your life and choices you've made and just let it seep in that your choices have consequences that you never really noticed until you're in need of something or somebody?
Sebastian realized he wanted someone to talk to, and he really has nobody. He's pushed everyone away like they didn't matter, sometimes even thrown insults their way and just focused on his work, not even bothering to be nice to co-workers or go out with him either.
He's alone, and it really just hit him.
That one guy, Charles from work, tried hard to be Sebastian's friend and he let him down each and everytime. He had a bestfriend in highschool, but dropped him fast after graduation. He has no family, the ones he cared about dead and the others he doesn't even bother with.
He wonders, if he gave Charles a chance, would he be here right now, demanding why he hasn't been to work? Would he notice Sebastian wasn't okay? If he didn't leave his bestfriend, would he be here too? Or would be notice how much Sebastian is worthless, rude, mean, manipulating, a parasite that sucks the happiness out of people that are around him? If he talked to his family, would they even want to talk back?
When you're sitting in a dark room with a pack of cigarettes and just your feelings as company, everything feels kind of empty, blank, pathetic. That's exactly what Sebastian is feeling right now. He used to say that just because he was alone, doesn't mean he's lonely, and right now he's proving himself wrong.
He doesn't understand what is happening to him. Everything was so simple before Ciel came along, changing everything on it's axis and making Sebastian feel things. Ciel was supposed to just be a fuck for one night, but there was this draw to him, sucking out his life force everytime their lips met. His feelings bled onto Ciel's porcelain skin, unspoken words being whispered into his mouth. Ciel snuck into his life, making it so much better without Sebastian even realizing it.
He's a demon with feelings, it seems.
Before Ciel, whenever he thought of his future it was pitch black. Just darkness swallowing him whole, dragging him into an abyss where nothing matters, nothing hurts, and nothing tells him to be something he's not. There was no words replaying in his head, there was no fears, no pestering. He was alone. Now when he thinks about it, he just sees a boy with black hair and an eyepatch and a smile that makes the darkness dissipate and leave him standing in a field where the sun is shining on his back and his future looks a lot less dull.
Day 2 consists of Sebastian being trapped in his head.
Day 3
"Sebastian you haven't done any work for two days and I specifically remember telling you I needed a report on my desk by tonight and you haven't been into work at all."
His boss is nagging him over the phone, and Sebastian has a huge fucking hangover. He drowned himself in alcohol and self pity. Whoever said getting drunk solved problems were wrong, it just creates even more.
"Yeah, yeah, I know. I'll come in an hour. I'm sorry, I've been... Out of it."
"Well get the fuck back in it." Click.
Sebastian lets out a big sigh, closing his eyes tight and rubs his temples, trying to force the headache that's dominating his head like a fucking beast.
Ciel would probably make him some tea and cuddle him and kiss him and nag him a little bit about drinking so much.
No, we can't think like that, idiot.
He gets up and hops into the shower, sighing as the hot water falls onto his sore, hungover body, but doesn't shower for too long, too much of in a hurry to enjoy bathing like a normal human being.
To be fair though, he hasn't bathed in 2 days and it's kind of gross.
He quickly throws on his work attire and heads out to work, wanting to shoot himself in the head. Maybe jump in traffic. Oh! Maybe get robbed or something. His thoughts are extremely dark and he just wants Ciel, funny enough.
Day 3 consists of working, getting nagged, threatened to be fired, and thinking of Ciel and what he's doing every second of the day.
Day 4
Sebastian is currently in the kitchen, making a quick plate of pasta when his phone rings, an unknown number popping up. He raises an eyebrow and answers; "Hello?"
"Is this Sebastian?"
"Unfortunately."
"This is Alois, um, the blonde from Ciel's work? Boy who slept with Claude? Ciel said I looked like a child?"
"Yeah, yeah I remember. What the fuck do you want? I'm not going to fuck you, if that's what you're asking."
"NO. Jesus, christ. NO. I'm calling because I'm worried about Ciel and you're the only one who can fix this disaster because you're a fucking idiot."
"How the fuck am I an idiot? We had a mutual agreement and we strayed from that and I ended it before anyone could... Get hurt." You're the hurt one, stupid ass.
"Don't sit here and try to act like you could care less. He used to talk about you constantly and he cares. Everyone knows fuck buddies don't end up successfully. Someone always gets feelings or even both and I think both of you fucking idiots got feelings. He works tomorrow, and I'm gonna try to get him to actually go this time. Show up, buy a coffee, try to talk to him. Something. I'm begging you."
Sebastian closes his eyes and sighs heavily, a headache creeping into his skull and pounds on it real hard. "No. I ended it and it's going to stay ended, there's no fixing it when there's nothing to fix. He got feelings, it breached our little agreement and it's done. He can get over it."
"You're a fucking stupid, manipulating asshole, you know that? Ciel told me how you guys didn't just fuck all the time. You acted like you cared, you acted like boyfriends, and you have the nerve to be an asshole and say you didn't have feelings? Blame it on Ciel? It takes 2 to make an illusion like that shit and you fed into it. I don't know what you're scared of, but you better get the fuck over it before I go to your house myself and beat your stupid ass up. I may be short as fuck and skinny and adorable but my knee can hit straight up into that small ass dick that you use as a brain. FUCK. YOU. Get over yourself." Click.
What the fuck?
What is up with him pissing off tiny people with too much anger?
Day 5
He hasn't slept.
He literally has not slept, just stayed up smoking 2 packs of cigarettes and listening to Alois' words repeat in his head.
Is he really going to chase after somebody? Is he really going to try for someone when he barely tries anything for himself?
The answer is yes, because he is currently looking at the coffee shop Ciel works at, biting on his lip in a nervous manner. He hasn't seen Ciel in 5 days but it feels like 5 years and is heart feels like it's going to beat out of his chest.
He slowly walks into the coffee shop and immediately spots Ciel. He looks so good, so beautiful, so small and Sebastian just wants to hold him or kiss him or fuck him or even just have him look at him. It's pathetic.
He patiently waits in line, his whole body thrumming with nerves. When he finally hears Ciel's voice, he jumps a little, controlling himself so Ciel doesn't notice.
"Welcome, what can I get you?" He mumbles in a hard voice, cocking his hip with a hand on it.
"Not very polite are you?" Sebastian says. He's automatically angry and it's sad. He wants to calm down, but Ciel is being difficult.
"What. Can. I. Get. You?" Ciel basically demands, his tone icy and unforgiving.
Sebastian honestly wants to hide in a hole hearing that tone of voice, his whole body drowning in shame and regret.
"I want to talk." He says in a small but firm voice, trying to keep up a strong front.
"Fuck no, but I can get you coffee, or maybe a scone, or a cupcake maybe."
"I don't want a fucking cupcake, Ciel."
"Okay so a coffee and scone, what flavor."
"Ciel, seriously."
"Order or get the fuck out."
Sebastian was too busy staring at the gorgeous face that he didn't even notice his body covered in hickeys, and Sebastian goes in overload mode. He's angry, jealous, sad, wants to cry and throw something. Ciel is HIS. Ciel shouldn't be touched by anyone else but Sebastian.
What the fuck was he thinking letting Ciel go? Why did he do that? He forgot every single reason he told himself and now he just wants him back. He wants to fix it, wants to mark Ciel up with his own lips and cover the others.
He wants to possess, wants to own, and it's unhealthy but he needs it. He's so sad.
"Large caramel coffee. Nice hickeys by the way." He says it in an angry voice, his voice shaking a little as he says it. He can't even help it.
"Oh thanks, special, special friend gave them to me as he let me ride his fingers and cum all over his chest. It was nice." Ciel says smoothly, making Sebastian spike with even more jealousy and anger.
"Oh I bet." Sebastian says through gritted teeth, his fists clenching. He fucking hated the idea of another man touching Ciel and marking him up just the way he likes. Not helping the situation, he also notices Ciel ass in those jeans and now he wants to commit a murder.
Ciel comes up and hands him his coffee and smiles sickenly sweet at him, "That'll be $5.50, sweetie."
Sebastian can't take it anymore and just storms out after throwing money at him and grabs his coffee, he runs down the block and stops, breathing heavily and feeling tears roll down his cheeks and his eyes go wide in realization.
He's fucking crying.
He wipes his cheeks quickly, taking a deep breath, but it doesn't help at all, just makes him let out a loud sob and just lets it out, ugly crying and hating himself.
He hasn't cried in years. He didn't even cry when his parents died, he didn't cry as Ciel left, didn't cry as people kept continuing to leave his life. But now he cries, cries over the fact he let something good leave his life, let another man touch something he cares for so deeply and was too stupid to see it.
He was too scared.
The idea of love in his head is still so jumbled and unsure, so all he can settle on is that he cares about Ciel so deeply it hurts him, makes him confused, makes him angry and sad all at once. He doesn't understand, he doesn't know what to do with feelings for another human being.
He doesn't know how to handle being sad about losing someone, he doesn't know how to fix it, doesn't know how to show he cares. So he cries, cries out his feelings and confusion and he drops his coffee on the floor, sinking to his knees and cries out everything he's never let himself feel.
It hurts, he can't breathe and his vision is so cloudy, he's cold too and he wants to just curl up and die.
He's always been dramatic.
"Sebastian?"
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:)