Chapter 15: Tris – New Perspective

When I wake up, I'm cocooned between Tobias' body and arm. He feels warm and good, and it would be easy to stay here all day. I prop myself up just enough to see his face, watching him sleep. He looks deeply relaxed – younger and far less stern than he seems when he's awake. I don't know if it's his strength or the weight of his worries that makes him look older during the day.

His breathing is even, his muscles expanding and contracting where I'm pressed against his chest. I wasn't sure he'd be able to fall asleep in this place, with his claustrophobia, but he finally relaxed after, well, that. The thought makes me smile, though part of me still feels nervous being this close to him, like we're breaking some kind of rule and will get in trouble for it. I guess it's my Abnegation instincts, but it's kind of funny that after all the real trouble I've been in lately, this should still worry me.

He moves a little, beginning to wake up, and I freeze, trying to encourage him to sleep longer. I know we have plenty to do today, but he'll face it better if he's well-rested. He must have slept himself out, though, because he shifts again and opens his eyes. For a second, they dart around uncertainly, and then they settle on me, and he smiles. His eyes are deep blue, almost black in the low light, and I think of the first time I looked into them. I smile too.

"Good morning," he murmurs, his voice low. He tightens his arm around me as he leans over and brushes his lips along mine.

"Same to you," I mutter. I'm beginning to really wake up now, and I yawn as I stretch the entire length of my body, short as it is. When I open my eyes again, Tobias is staring at me, watching my stretched body with a look I might not have liked a few weeks ago. But now…it's nice to know I affect him that way, though perhaps not first thing in the morning.

I clear my throat hastily and ask, "So, what do you suppose we need to do today?"

He grins. "I'm pretty sure whatever it is can wait." He leans over me again, but I laugh and push him back onto his side of the bed. It's much too early for that.

"Aren't we supposed to be preparing for our big, dangerous mission?" I say. "The latest one, that is."

He looks at me longingly for another moment and then sighs. "Yeah, there's that." He props the pillows against the wall and sits up, and I do too, though I pull the sheet with me. It feels too revealing to sit without it.

"I guess the biggest question is, do you think they're telling us the truth?" I ask.

He purses his lips thoughtfully. "They definitely believe what they're saying, and it's consistent with the video, and with what Cara suspected, and with how Jeanine manipulated the city…. So, yeah, it seems likely." He gives a half smile and adds, "But I've been wrong before, so to me the real question is, what do you think?"

I pull my knees up to my chest, wrapping my arms around them. "My instincts say to trust them, and I usually go with my instincts. But what I keep wondering is…how much do they actually know? I mean, they both lived in the city most of their lives, and they haven't been here all that long. Someone else must have been running this place before that, and maybe still is – and we don't know anything about whoever that is."

Tobias nods. "There are also the other rebel groups they mentioned. We know nothing about them, except that they currently have a common goal. If we can pull this off, there's no way of knowing what they'll do afterwards."

I bite my lip as I think about that. It's a huge unknown. Finally, I ask, "So, what do we do?"

"I think…" he responds slowly, "that we're not going to know everything in advance, no matter how many questions we ask. We're going to have to figure things out as we go, and that means we need to be smarter this time than we have been." I look at him questioningly, and he sits forward, picking his words carefully as he continues.

"When we planned the attack on Erudite, the best minds among the Dauntless and factionless spent a week figuring it out. And it worked. But we lost so many people…and the reality is that we ended up in Jeanine's lab at the same time you did." His eyes turn to me again. "How long did it take you to come up with your plan?"

I stiffen, not sure I like where he's going with this. My voice is hesitant when I say, "We formed a rough plan the night before and finalized it when we got there."

He nods. "So, you had much less time than we did, and fewer people, and certainly fewer guns. But you succeeded, and you only lost one person while our toll was hundreds." He rubs a hand along the back of his neck. "My point is that if we had worked together from the beginning, we could have used your idea and sent a special task force after Jeanine. Maybe we could have stopped her without so many deaths. We have to be smart enough to do that kind of thing this time."

He falls silent, and I know I should reply, but my voice seems to have disappeared. I thought I was doing the right thing when I turned myself in to Jeanine. And it probably did save lives, but not nearly as many as died in the invasion. I never thought to compare those numbers before, but now I can't help it. Would Lynn still be alive if I had stayed at Dauntless and helped plan the attack? If Tobias and I had worked together and gotten past our bickering and focused all our attention on that goal?

I look at Tobias, unsure what to say or even think. All this time, I've been trying to use Abnegation's form of selflessness as my guide, but maybe there's more to it than that. Maybe true selflessness involves using every ability we have to help others, not just sacrificing ourselves at the first opportunity.

Tobias must know how difficult this topic is, because he touches my face gently and holds my gaze. His voice is low as he says, "We both made mistakes. I should have shared everything I was doing with you. I'm sorry I didn't. And you…need to realize that you are important. I don't care how many rebels have come up with plans over the years, and I don't care how much work they've put into the current plan. I want you to look at everything they've done, and what they haven't, and come up with your own ideas. Will you do that?"

I close my eyes, because I know what he's really saying. That I need to stay alive for this mission to succeed, even if that means letting other people die for me, like my parents did. And I don't know if I can let that happen again. Especially if one of those people is Tobias.

When I open my eyes, he's still watching me, waiting for an answer. I give him the only honest one I can. "I'll try."

When we walk into the cafeteria, I'm overwhelmed for a moment by how full it is. We finally spot Christina and make our way to the seats she must have saved for us, since they're the only two empty chairs in the room.

"Finally!" Christina says when she sees me. "Where have you been?"

For a moment, her Candor eyes drill into me, and I'm sure she knows what Tobias and I were up to last night. I feel the heat rising in my cheeks, but Tobias' face stays placid as he answers, "Special training. They kept us late and had us sleep in a different area so we wouldn't disturb you."

"Oh," Christina says in a deflated tone, and it's clear the answer is much more mundane than she expected. Apparently, she hasn't learned to read Tobias' tells yet.

I help myself to a bowl of cereal from what's available on the table. As with last night's dinner, it's unexciting, particularly since the milk has a strange powdery texture, but I eat anyway.

"Well, you missed the first aid class last night," Christina says. "It was pretty good."

Uriah nods with mock sincerity. "I was the dummy, and I must say I learned how to hold still while being bandaged very well indeed."

"Yeah, you make a great dummy," Christina says with a snort.

"None better," he proclaims proudly, and I find myself grinning too. Uriah's humor is always infectious.

Cara, on the other hand, sounds a bit huffy as she says, "It was actually a very informative session. Their doctor is excellent. They pulled her out of Erudite before the war, along with a quantity of medical supplies. So, in some ways, they're better off here than in Erudite right now."

"That's good," I mutter, feeling my smile slip away. The words remind me of Lynn dying as I held her hand.

But Christina's voice is bright as she says, "Yeah, the doc did wonders with my leg. I haven't even used my crutch today, and they think I'll be able to go with you guys after all."

"Oh," I say blankly. "Does that mean they didn't get a lot of other volunteers?"

She gives me a look and says, "You don't have to sound so disappointed. I know I'm not Divergent and all, but I'm still pretty useful."

I wince and say quickly, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I just meant…" but my voice trails off because I don't know how to finish that sentence. I still don't know if I want her to come with us, particularly in light of the conversation Tobias and I just had. I don't want her to die for me.

Finally, I finish lamely, "I was just wondering if we got enough volunteers to…you know…stand a chance at surviving this."

"Not as many as they'd have preferred," Cara answers. "Most of the volunteers want to defend the city, but they got enough to move ahead with our part. A lot of them aren't Divergent, but George finally admitted that everyone inside the city is more resistant than everyone outside it, so they can make do with us."

I'm about to ask when she talked with George, since the last time I saw him he was taking Caleb and Peter to be tested, and I'm curious what their results were. But before I can say anything, Amar walks to the center of the room and calls loudly over everyone's conversations, "Yo, listen up!"

The voices fall silent, and he continues. "There's still too much snow to go outside, so we'll all have to share the training room today. Those of you who are here now get to go first, and we'll trade out this afternoon." He starts toward the stairway, gesturing broadly for us to follow, and we all abandon the remainder of our breakfast to scurry after him.

We don't go down too many flights this time – not nearly as many as yesterday – but it's enough to make me wonder how big this place is. When we walk through the doorway, I feel like I get my answer.

The room we enter can only be described as Dauntless heaven. It's massive, with several fighting mats, racks of weaponry, and a glassed off area that looks like it contains shooting ranges. Even the ceiling is higher here, and I can see Tobias' step lighten the moment he walks inside.

For a long moment, we gather inside the entrance, staring around us in silence. There's a lot to take in. Finally, Christina says in an awed voice, "Where did you get all this?"

"More practically, how did you get it in here?" Cara asks.

George laughs. "We can't take credit for it. The bomb shelter was built by military forces – to be honest, I'm not sure from which side. Anyway, they intended it to be somewhere they could ride out a long-term attack, or radiation, or chemical weapons, or what have you." He gestures around and adds, "I guess they wanted to be well-armed for whenever they emerged."

Amar touches George's elbow as he steps up next to him, commenting, "They abandoned it when all the bombing caused the Great Lakes to flood. I gather it really was underwater for a while, but when the rebels diverted water to Chicago for irrigation, this area dried up a bit, and we were able to gain access. It's worked well for us."

Tori's voice emerges from the group. "Do we get to use those?" she asks as she points to the incredible array of weapons along the wall.

George gives her a smile she doesn't return. "Yes, indeed. The majority of those will be used to defend the city." He exchanges a look with Amar.

"Let's form two groups," Amar suggests. Then, in a louder voice, he gestures to the half of the group that includes Tori and says, "All of you are with George. You'll focus on fighting techniques first while the rest of you learn the weapons with me. In two hours, we'll switch." He turns back to George and adds in a softer voice, "Go through joint locks and pressure points – at least the basic ones."

"We already know how to fight," a man I don't recognize says in annoyance. "We're Dauntless."

"So was I," Amar says calmly, "and trust me, there's still plenty to learn. Give it two hours, and then you'll get your chance with the guns."

The group mutters, but the designated half follows George to the largest of the mats while Amar leads the rest of us toward the weapons. As we approach, I notice that Tobias' face is filled with a type of Dauntless joy I rarely see in him. It reminds me of how he looked during Capture the Flag, once we were away from Eric.

"You should have shown us this room first," he says to Amar. "It would have been a much easier sell."

"No kidding," Christina mutters, reaching for a small oval device hanging from a hook on the wall.

"Whoa, careful with that," Amar says quickly, stopping her hand. "The guns aren't loaded, but that's a grenade – a kind of bomb – and it's easy to set off. Let me show you how it works."

We spend the next two hours learning how to handle the various weapons, and more enjoyably, practicing with them. It turns out the shielded part of the room contains eight full-sized shooting ranges, so we each spend almost as much time shooting as waiting.

In between turns, I watch the people across the room. George is clearly working hard to win Tori over, and I smile when he eventually coaxes a laugh out of her. It makes me feel there's hope for them yet. On the other hand, it also makes me think of Caleb, and I turn to watch him shooting in the range at the other end of the gallery. It's still difficult to look at him without feeling like I'm in the execution room again, watching Jeanine step forward to kill me. I wonder if I'll ever lose that association.

Eventually, Amar gathers us back together, and we swap places with the other group. My eyes meet Tori's as we walk past each other. Her expression is serious, but she nods a greeting, and I smile a little in return. Out of everyone the war has taken away from me, Tori is one of the people I miss the most.

Amar forms us into a large circle on the mat and gives us a long, evaluating look. Then, he says, "Partner up. Former Dauntless with those from other factions. We're going to learn some techniques here, but I should start by saying our goal is for everyone to learn. We're all on the same side, so this isn't some Dauntless duel to unconsciousness." At the words, I see Tobias smile, and I do too. It's nice to know that Eric's style isn't welcome here.

We start with a few basic techniques. They're mostly for the non-Dauntless among us, but I suspect Amar also wants to see how well the rest of us learned them. At first, I help a woman I don't know, who acts like she's probably from Candor. She concentrates hard on what I show her, but her movements are clumsy as she tries to imitate them.

After a bit, Amar has us switch partners so everyone can practice on people of different sizes and body types. Since there are more Dauntless than others, I find myself facing Uriah next. It's actually a relief – I was too worried about the unknown woman's pain tolerance to really practice with her, but I'm not afraid of that with Uriah. I step forward confidently – and drop him to the floor almost immediately. He gets up quickly, brushing himself off.

"Oh, good, we're not taking it easy on each other," he says with a smile. He moves at me, but I block and bring my knee into his thigh before he can back away. He winces and pauses, clearly not sure what to do against an opponent so much smaller than he is. As he's trying to decide, I move past him fast, catching him with my elbow on the way, and then grab his arm and pull him off balance. He drops to the floor again, looking a little embarrassed this time.

To the side, I see Amar winking at Tobias. "I see you taught them well," he comments. The others probably can't tell, but I can see how Tobias stands a little straighter at the compliment. Amar's opinion is clearly important to him.

"Okay," Amar says to the group, "that's enough basics for now. Those of you who need it can practice more later," and he lifts an eyebrow at Uriah, who definitely looks embarrassed now. "In the meantime, I want to show you some joint locks."

He gestures to Tobias to join him and begins explaining to the group, "The goal of joint locks is to force your opponent to move the way you want them to. For instance, if someone punches at you, you can use the standard blocks and counter strikes, or you can do something like this." And as Tobias obediently demonstrates a punch to the head, Amar catches his hand, pulls it to him as he steps to the side, and flexes his wrist just a little. Tobias drops to the floor instantly.

"The key is to lock the joint and turn it in a direction it doesn't want to go. At that point, your opponent has exactly two choices: move where you want them to, or break something." He grins. "In my experience, they always move."

He helps Tobias back to his feet and shows us the move more slowly, so we can see how he positions Tobias' hand and wrist and how he presses down to make him drop. Even done slowly, the move is clearly effective.

I struggle as we practice, but at least I'm not the only one. Even most of the older Dauntless don't seem to be familiar with these techniques. But gradually I get the hang of them, and as Amar shows us different locks, I find a few favorites. To my surprise, it also turns out to be difficult for the others to use most of the locks on me. Apparently, the height difference works to my advantage. After half an hour, I'm consistently dropping my opponents within seconds while they almost never get me. It's particularly satisfying to take Peter to his knees after the way he beat me in our first fight.

We switch again, and I find myself facing Caleb for the first time today. My hands go clammy at the sight, and I almost ask to switch again. Then, he gives me a nervous smile, and suddenly I don't want to avoid him anymore. He's the one who should avoid me, since he's the one who was wrong, so I don't move away. Instead, I glare fiercely at him, fixing all the anger and hatred and betrayal I feel into my expression as I bounce up and down on the balls of my feet, waiting for Amar to give us the signal to begin. Caleb's face goes pale as he watches me, and he quails when I move at him. And then he's on the floor, howling in pain as I stand over him with his wrist twisted between my hands and my foot on his spine.

I'm vaguely aware of voices around me and hands grabbing at me, but I hold my grip until Amar twists my hands free and Tobias lifts me bodily away from Caleb. He sets me down and grabs my shoulders, his face right in mine. "We're not fighting Eric-style today," he reminds me coldly. "Or ever again as far as I'm concerned. Control yourself." I twist away from him angrily, but I know he's right. My parents would tell me that cruelty is wrong, even when it doesn't feel like it. Maybe especially when it doesn't.

I take a couple of calming breaths and then mutter, "Sorry" to Tobias. He nods and moves back to his current partner. As I turn back to the others, I see Amar helping Caleb to his feet and making sure he's okay. But the locks are designed to control, not disable, and I did the movements right – even if more enthusiastically than necessary – so there's no serious damage. After a moment, Caleb pulls himself together and is able to continue. I don't meet his eyes.

Amar looks at me for a second and then addresses the group. "Okay, good lesson here…. We all get angry sometimes. If you start to lose control, go take a walk, or use the punching bags, or shoot the targets. It'll help get the adrenaline out, and you might even improve your skills while you're at it." His eyes pass over the others, resting briefly on Tobias, and I suspect that Tobias must have needed that advice at some point. It's not hard to imagine why, given his reasons for leaving Abnegation. I wonder if that's how he got so good at all those Dauntless skills.

"All right," Amar continues after another moment. "Gather back around. I'd like to show you some pressure points before we break for lunch." He glances around the group and then gestures to Peter to join him this time.

"As you saw, joint locks control the way your opponent moves. Pressure points are different. They give you a way to maximize the effect of a strike. If you hit here…" and he demonstrates a controlled punch to Peter's side – "it will hurt, but if you use exactly the same blow here…" and he repeats the strike to an area further under the arm – "it will disable him."

His eyes roam the group as he continues. "There are numerous pressure points around the body. Some of them will knock a person out, while others break bones, inflict massive pain, or knock the wind out of someone very easily. If you're not that strong, or that experienced at fighting, pressure points can give you a way of being effective despite that. So, let's go over some of them."

He demonstrates several points on the neck and arms, having us practice after each, but the technique only works if you get exactly the right spot, and that's tricky. Whenever I feel like I've mastered one, we switch partners, and I have to work to find the same spot on that person. It feels like I'll never get the hang of this. It's particularly frustrating to watch Amar hit perfectly every time, against every person.

"How long do you think it takes to get that good?" I ask Christina, who's currently partnered with me.

She looks at Amar and then at Tobias for a moment, watching their techniques, before she says, "Years, obviously. Four's a lot better at it than we are, but he's nowhere near as good as Amar." I bite my lip as I watch Tobias too. I have to admit she's right.

When Amar moves on to pressure points on the torso, I pretty much give up. It's hard enough finding the right spot when I can see it, but when it's buried under clothing, it's hopeless. But Amar must realize that, because after a few minutes of utter failure around the room, he decides on a different approach.

"Guys, shirts off," he says firmly as he removes his own shirt. The words startle me, and I can feel my face going red as my eyes have no idea where to look. I've only ever seen Tobias without a shirt.

"Come on," Amar insists. Then, looking at one of the Dauntless women, he adds, "Just the guys. You won't distract me that way, but I can't imagine that being helpful to anyone else here." My gaze turns automatically to the woman in time to see her putting her shirt back on, and I can feel the blush flaming on my cheeks.

I look at Tobias, wanting to know if he saw her, but he's staring intently at me, and suddenly I remember that he doesn't like showing himself to others. But I can also tell from his expression that he's not willing to disobey a direct order from his instructor. I don't know how to help him, so I do the only thing I can think of and just watch him, letting him focus on me. Maybe if he can shut out the rest of the room and feel like he's just undressing for me, it will be easier. And he does, his face twisting in the process, but then he stands there as only I've seen him, his eyes still on me.

Christina nudges me with her elbow and whispers, "Nice," but I refuse to look away from Tobias. I feel like we're getting each other through this.

Amar's voice is clipped as he asks, "Peter, are you under the opinion that you're extra special or something? That the rules don't apply to you?" I finally shift my gaze enough to see that Peter is standing there fully clothed, his arms crossed defiantly over his chest.

"Forget it," Peter says coldly. "There's no way I'm stripping for you."

Amar's face is far sterner than I've ever seen it as he snaps, "You may have missed this in Dauntless, but respect is a key part of the martial arts. You're a student, and I'm your instructor. If you want the privilege of continuing in this room, or on any mission associated with this group, you will do as you're told."

For a very long time, their eyes lock, and I begin to see where Tobias learned his death glare. Finally, Peter looks away, fury written all over his face as he says, "Have it your way." He pulls his shirt off and turns unexpectedly to me, throwing it at me the way I threw my overshirt at him so long ago on the Dauntless roof. I catch it automatically and then drop it behind me, having no interest in holding something of his.

I don't look back immediately, but when Christina gives a small gasp beside me, I can't help it. My eyes turn to Peter, and I shiver at the sight of that much exposed skin – and at what's on it. His torso is covered with markings of some sort, but not in a pattern I recognize. The marks are rough and jagged, different from any tattoo I've ever seen. They're more like…scars. And as I think that, I realize that of course that's what they are.

There are several long, jagged lines that were clearly made by a knife, including a vicious one that must have gouged out flesh along with skin. Intermixed with those are more than a dozen small, round scars of a uniform size and darkness. It takes me a moment to figure out where I've seen that shape before, and a coldness goes through me when I do. It's the shape a cigarette leaves when it's snuffed out against something. It never occurred to me before, but Peter has clearly been abused – must have been for years.

My eyes find Tobias again, and for a second I think he must have stopped breathing. He stands there with his face expressionless and his entire body stiff, hiding behind the mask he's presented to the world his whole life.

No one says anything at first, but then Amar resumes talking as if nothing is unusual. "The pressure point you're aiming for is here," and he demonstrates on himself before walking to Uriah and showing the same point on him. He walks to each of the males in turn, showing us the same spot on each so we can begin to recognize it. The entire experience is acutely uncomfortable, but I have to admit it does help me find the right point. In fact, by the time he's done, I feel like it's permanently imprinted on my brain.

This time, we practice in utter silence, but for the first time, I make progress. By the time we break for lunch, I'm consistently hitting four different pressure points against partners of all sizes, regardless of whether or not they're wearing shirts. Still, it's a relief when the guys are able to put their clothing back on. I never did get myself to look at Uriah or Caleb.

As we begin leaving the room, Tobias walks up to me. His voice is strained as he says, "I'll see you up there. I'm going to shoot for a while." I remember Amar's advice earlier and realize Tobias needs this, so I nod and give him a quick kiss. He returns it brusquely before walking away.

I'm not really surprised when he heads toward Peter. "I get the machine gun first," he says simply, walking past him without pausing.

Peter looks after him for a few seconds and then shrugs. "Whatever," he mutters, but he follows.

As I turn back to Christina, I hear Amar telling her quietly, "I didn't know."

"I didn't, either," she comments. "I knew he was adopted, but he came from among the factionless, so I just assumed it was for the usual reasons." At the blank look on my face, she adds, "You know, so he could go to school and be in a faction and have a chance at a better life…. The Candor adopt a lot of factionless kids."

I feel a twinge as I think about that. It's yet another way the factions failed us, and I never even noticed, never thought about what happened to children born factionless. I try to imagine what it would be like to choose between raising my children or trying to give them a better life – one without me.

And then a worse thought occurs to me. Tobias wondered once why his mother didn't take him with her when she left Abnegation. Was that why? Did she have to choose between taking care of him as a child or giving him a future as an adult? She wouldn't even have had the choice of giving him up for adoption – she never could have gotten away with that with Marcus' son... For the first time, I begin to understand Evelyn's perspective, and I think perhaps I judged her too harshly.

"Come on," Christina says, taking my arm. "Maybe there will be something good for lunch."

Uriah laughs almost bitterly. It's an odd sound coming from him. "Yeah," he says, "like that's gonna happen." He sighs. "Sometimes, I really miss Dauntless."

But right now, I'm not so sure I do. The factions have left too many of us scarred – on the outside like Peter, or the inside like Tobias, or through fractured relationships like me and Caleb. For the first time, I think I agree with Tobias and Evelyn that we need to change things. Assuming we can save the city long enough to give it that chance.