Miles From Where You Are (But Somehow You're Still Standing Beside Me)
Summary: There is love in holding and there is love in letting go. Sometimes two people need to fall apart to realize how much they need to fall back together."
Chapter Three: I'm Here to Remind You of the Mess You Left When You Went Away
"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell."
― Edna St. Vincent Millay
(12/27/13)
It's been hard being in his apartment without Bella.
He knows that it's only been two months but it feels like the pain will never go away. He's tired of looking at the empty side of the bed where Bella's supposed to be, where they used to fall asleep curled together, Bella using him to warm her cold feet, while he fell asleep to the sound of her breathing. He's tired of looking at the things that Bella left scattered around his apartment, her toothbrush in the cup, her reading glasses in the drawer, a few of her books, two of her stupid sappy movies, and one of her shirts in the hamper.
It takes everything he has not to bring it to his face and breath her scent.
He misses her.
He misses watching crappy reality shows on the couch together. He misses her cooking. He misses her laugh. He misses the way she used to roll her eyes at him.
He misses his Bells.
He can't even use his car to distract him because there are too many memories of Bella passing him tools and sitting beside him while he worked. Too many kisses and too many moment of passion staining the seats of his car…not literally of course. He takes really good care of his baby and always makes sure she's clean.
He goes to college. He can't afford to miss school just because he's dealing with a break up.
He and Bella used to have lunch together in between classes. They alternated on who would make the sandwiches or if they would spend money to go eat in the school café.
He's tired. God, he's so tired.
He eats each meal, three times a day though, even though the sight of food makes his stomach turn. He doesn't pull away from his friends, though he wants to. He's tired of all those pitying looks, the constant phone calls from people who are "just checking" on him, like he's a baby. He's a grown man. He can take care of himself. At least he didn't have to spend the holidays alone.
He separates the mail, putting Bella's mail to the side, so he can pass it to Angela when he sees her. He wishes she would let people know not to send her mail to his apartment anymore. It just reminds him that she's gone.
Jacob locks the door to his apartment and heads to work. He does his job, sneaks and tells people about other shops they can go to for a better deal, then instead of going home he heads to the gym.
He has a locker at the gym with workout clothes in it. He runs on the treadmill, lifts weights, does some sit ups, and then beats on the punching bag until the owner throws him out. Then he leans against the side of the building, exhausted, but still not wanting to go home.
Finally, he goes the one place he knows he can go where he won't get sympathetic looks for being too sad to lay in his empty apartment.
Leah opens the door, after he knocks, and she crosses her arms. She leans in the doorjamb and studies him for a minute.
"You look like crap," she greets, and Jacob rolled his eyes.
Jacob knows he looks like crap. He hasn't had a good night's sleep since Bella left and he hasn't exactly been putting that much effort into looking good.
Leah's wearing a black dress, with red bobble earrings, a black choker necklace, and black shoes with high red heels.
"Hello to you too," he says, and Leah smirked.
"Get in here idiot," she moves aside and Jacob enters her apartment.
Leah goes and gets a bottle of whisky from the cabinet.
"Am I interrupting something?" Jacob asks and Leah nods.
"Yeah, I was going dancing with this guy I met at the work," Leah said, handing him a glass.
"I can go," Jacob starts to get up, downing his glass, as he stands.
"Sit your ass down," Leah orders, and Jacob sits, "I'm still going on my date. But I can spend some time with you before I go,"
"I'm not here to mope," Jacob mutters, "I just can't get to sleep in that apartment. Can I crash on your couch?"
"You can take the guest room," Leah says, with a shrug, "But I have a three-day limit then I'm kicking your ass out,"
"Thanks," Jacob holds his glass out for more whisky and Leah hands him the whole bottle.
"Here," she says, "Drink, watch some television, order some take out, and get some sleep idiot,"
Jacob pulls the lid off and takes a long pull from the bottle.
"I think she left because I was boring," Jacob blurts, and Leah tilts her head to show she's listening, "I used to be more fun. I was adventurous and reckless. Now, I'm in college and I have a part time job at the rip-off Auto shop."
"You grew up," Leah states, turning away from him and putting her things in her little black purse, "Everyone's gotta grow up sometime,"
"Yeah," Jacob says, putting the whisky down, "You can put this back,"
"You done drinking?" Leah asks, and Jacob nods.
"Bella used to play a song that started like this and then it ended with the dude buried beneath a willow tree while the angels sang a whiskey lullaby," Jacob laughs, then frowns.
Bella wouldn't be playing anything around their place anymore.
"No moping until I leave," Leah growls, and Jacob snaps out of it.
"I'm not moping," he growls back, and anger feels better than that endless pit of grief that keeps building in the pit of his stomach.
"It looks like you're moping," Leah says, and Jacob glares at her.
"No, I'm just thinking,"
"Brooding," Leah mutters, and Jacob snickers.
"Go one your date, Leah," he says, "and try not to be a bitch,"
"No promises," Leah smirks, tossing him the remote and a takeout menu, "And cheer up. That girl won't make more than a month without you,"
"I don't want her to come back because she couldn't make it on her own," Jacob says, "I want her to be happy…even if that's not with me,"
"Very mature," Leah says, "I'll be back tomorrow,"
She winks and closes the door behind her.
Jacob cringes at the thought of Leah having sex. Not that she wasn't attractive, but she was like his sister and the thought of his sister having sex…. ugh.
He got a coke from the fridge, called the Chinese food place, and watches 500 Days of Summer. He laughs at the part where Summer and Tom are in the furniture store remembering him and Bella doing something similar when they shopped for furniture for their apartment. He reaches the part where Tom finds out that Summer is getting married, then he throws one of the pillows at the screen.
"That's bullshit," he mutters, but he watches the movie until the end.
He doesn't know if he and Bella are like Tom and Summer. But he knows that he did the best he could with what he had.
That's all you can ever do in a relationship.
He turns off the television, puts the leftovers in the fridge for Leah and then slinks off to bed. He lays there and thinks of Bella, wonders what she's doing, and allows the loneliness to sink in. He doesn't think he and Bella have ever gone this long without talking to each other.
It hurts.
He thinks he was a good boyfriend. He thinks that he had done right by her. He tried. It just wasn't enough.
He feels like he wants to cry but he knows that he won't. He hasn't cried since he was a teenager. Then again, he hasn't had anything that made him feel like this.
Break ups suck.
Author's note: Jacob dealing. He's not handling things very well but he's also not staying inside his apartment moping over his failed relationship...he's doing that in Leah's apartment.
But everyone's entitled to mope a little especially if you with someone for years.
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