Chapter 39: Tris – One Choice Changes Everything
The soldiers stay near me as we walk, but at least they don't hold my arms like they did earlier. That helps, since by now it's extremely difficult to move. My ribs are throbbing with a level of pain I've never experienced in my life, and knives of agony are spreading from there into my lungs, causing me to breathe raggedly.
I'm beginning to suspect that I have more than a cracked rib. As a guess, at last one is completely broken, and being lifted and dragged the way I was must have caused the bones to split farther apart. It feels like they're now digging into places where ribs should never be.
But I can't let it stop me. I have to buy Tobias the time he needs to reach the Control Computer, so I keep hobbling forward, leading my enemies away from the people I love.
Eventually, I lose all sense of time. There's nothing except the current moment and the torture of taking another step. That reality consumes me so completely that I almost don't notice when the signal comes, indicating that a broadcast is starting. It's not until I'm standing still, facing the same direction as everyone else, that my mind fully registers what's happening, and a surge of hope goes through me. Please be Tobias. Please. I almost sob with relief when it is.
"Stop!" he shouts inside my mind. "Stop shooting each other!" The message is overwhelming, and every muscle in my body freezes in place. For the first time, I understand what broadcasts are like for other people – it's impossible to move right now, impossible to do anything except listen.
"Stop killing. Stop hurting people. Just stop everything and listen to me." And everyone does. I can tell that even though I can't make my eyes move. The air is charged with attention, and through it I can hear that people are barely breathing. Everyone in this country is focusing on Tobias.
"It is time to change things," he says even more intensely, starting the message that Anna taught us. I listen as raptly as everyone else, unable to do anything different. I don't know how much of that is because I'm loaded up with Suggestibility Serum, and how much is because of the potent receiver attached to my head, and how much is just Tobias, but his transmission is far more powerful than the ones I heard earlier from Dan Miter. They don't even seem to be the same phenomenon.
It's not until he's a third of the way through Anna's message that I realize just what this means. We've succeeded. Somehow, against all odds, we've completed this impossible mission.
A jump of victory goes through me, and I find myself following Tobias' words back to the rest of his thoughts. I'm not seeking information the way I did with the earlier broadcasts; I just want to feel close to him at this moment of triumph.
He's thinking about me, I realize abruptly. I'm sure no one else can detect it, the same way they couldn't see the "extra" information in any other broadcast, but I can see the way he's holding my image in his mind. And I can't help but notice every nuance of love and regret and worry that he currently associates with me.
But there's more to it than that. I can actually see myself through his eyes, can see the way he views me. And it's not what I expected.
I suppose I never really believed Tobias when he said that he liked the way I looked. It's not that I thought he was lying, exactly, but I assumed he was trying to spare my feelings. Or maybe I felt he didn't see me realistically, as if he was looking at me through rose-colored glasses. But it's not like that at all.
He sees me as I am – it's the same image I glimpse in the mirror, other than being reversed and viewed from a greater height. What's different is how he perceives that image. I've always felt that my eyes are too wide for my narrow face, but he loves the way they absorb him, the way the blue and gray play back and forth, surrounding the black pupils in a mixture of my three aptitudes. They capture every part of him in a way that nothing else ever has, making him feel awake and alive. Without a doubt, they're as fiercely attractive to him as his eyes are to me.
He pays almost as much attention to my lips, which I have barely ever thought about. I can sense how they draw him in with their taste and texture, and for the first time, I see them as an appealing feature.
To him, my face isn't narrow; it's the perfect size to frame with his hands, and he loves the way my hair moves back and forth over it, revealing and hiding bits of me in turn. He likes the color of my hair, too. To me, it's an uninteresting dirty blond, but he sees the multiple colors as adding depth and a sense of mystery to my appearance. Even my long nose is different in his eyes. From his height, it's a cute contrast to his own hooked one.
But most of all, I notice how he sees my small frame, the one that makes me feel like I'm twelve…. To him, it's perfect, as if everyone else wastes resources by using a larger body to accomplish less, while I selflessly pack the maximum amount of strength and vitality into the minimum possible space.
The revelation floors me, and for a moment, all I can do is mentally stare as if seeing my reflection for the first time ever. I remember Tobias saying once, back in the bomb shelter, that if I could see myself through his eyes I wouldn't doubt myself. I didn't really believe him at the time, but I do now. And it's a fantastic feeling.
I'm still "staring" when I realize that Tobias has paused in his message. For some reason, he's struggling with the next part, the part about how to set up the new government and who to put in charge. It takes me a moment to figure out that he just doesn't believe in what he's supposed to say. Again, I doubt anyone else can detect it, but it's clear to me.
And I can understand his doubts. I remember the names Anna taught us, and I know she believes in their ability to do the job, but we've never met them. We have no way of knowing how trustworthy they are, or if they're even still alive, or how much they've been influenced by the existing government. For all we know, they're as greedy and self-serving as the current leaders of NUSA, or the ones in Chicago for that matter.
But what choice do we have? I know I thought about putting Anna in charge, and maybe I would have if I'd been the one to reach the Control Computer, but she would undoubtedly just turn everything over to the others anyway. We could pick someone else from Chicago, I guess, but it's not like we have great choices there either. Marcus? Tori? Jack Kang? They're certainly not stellar options to lead a country they don't even know. A pang goes through me as I think about my father. If he were still alive, I'd trust him. Or my mother, for that matter. But as it is, I think we have to take a chance on the names Anna gave us.
Tobias apparently disagrees. I can feel him coming to a different conclusion, though I can't tell what it is – just that he doesn't like it. But grim certainty sets in, and I know he's made his choice, for better or worse.
"It will be difficult to form a new government," he says, and as it was before, the message is immensely strong. "But this is also an opportunity to create a better life for all of you. To do that, you must all work together. More than that, you must learn to reach beyond what you have been taught. You must learn to be a better person, to be the person you would have been if your government had not manipulated you. That is not easy, but you can begin by embracing five traits."
Five traits…. My mind flashes to the five factions, and in that moment I understand where he's going with this. But then confusion sets in again as he forms an even clearer image of me, showing it to everyone this time. I don't know why.
"Be brave," he says, delivering the words with a stunning level of power.
And then my mind fills with memories of myself, seen from Tobias' viewpoint. I see myself leaping into the net in Dauntless, braving the unknown while everyone else hangs back in fear. And then I'm staring fiercely into his eyes at a dining table, instead of backing away like others always have. I'm standing up again and again as Peter punches and kicks and tries to defeat me, but I refuse to just lie down and be beaten. Tobias is following me up the Ferris wheel to spot the enemy's flag, watching in fascination as I risk myself to help my team. He watches again as I face fear after fear in the simulations, each time emerging victorious in record time. The chasm is roaring behind me as I fight against three boys far larger than myself, refusing to let them destroy my spirit even as they almost take my life.
The images go on and on, each one coming through as a full concept that is somehow complete and understandable. I would not have guessed it was possible to convey something like this to strangers, but somehow Tobias is doing it. And I know – I know – that it makes sense to them.
He is teaching them bravery by using me as an example. Part of me realizes I should find this embarrassing, but his transmission is so overwhelming that I can't think past it. All I can feel is his pride in me, and his certainty that I am the role model they should follow.
"Be selfless," he continues just as strongly, and the images shift.
I am standing in front of a target, knives thudding into place around my head so that Al does not have to brave them instead. My small form is between Tobias and his father as I unwrap Marcus' belt from my wrist after taking the blow that was meant for him. My gun is pressed against Eric's head, exposing myself to danger to prevent him from shooting my boyfriend.
I am pressing another gun into Tobias' hand, offering to let him kill me rather than take his life when he is under a simulation. A little girl slips to safety at my signal, fleeing from Dauntless traitors who want to kill her, just before Eric captures me instead. I am strapped to a table in Erudite, suffering fear beyond imagining in order to protect the lives that Jeanine would have taken.
I lose count of how many images Tobias shows before he decides he has transmitted the lesson sufficiently, but I know it is more than enough.
"Be smart."
The Ferris wheel is back again, towering behind me as I describe a plan to my team – one that leads to victory. Then, I'm fighting Molly, using a few bits of advice to overcome her far greater size and strength. And I'm standing before Eric, instantly understanding Tobias' wordless message and pretending to be weak to keep my friends safe. My fear landscape passes by in record time as I figure out how to overcome every fear as if it's the easiest thing in the world. Tobias is poring over video clips from the war, seeing how I guessed where the simulation was being run from and managed to get there despite all odds to stop it.
Then, Tobias is listening to me work out the reason Candor was attacked, and watching in frustration as Jack Kang refuses to listen to it. I'm shouting about Evelyn's manipulations before jumping from the train, and I feel Tobias' regret that he ignored my warning. He's finding me in Erudite, after I worked my way there with far fewer casualties than everyone else. We're crossing a rope strung between buildings, in harnesses I designed. Lauren and a dozen rebels are leaving Pittsburgh in our truck and uniforms, following my idea away from certain death. A store owner in Pittsburgh is staring at me, distracted, as others drink the water that would have caused Pari to betray us.
"Be kind."
I expect Tobias to find another role model for this trait, now that he's past my three aptitudes, but instead I'm watching from his viewpoint as Robert hugs me by the fence, and I see the expression on his fellow Amity as that gesture cements his place with them. Then, I'm comforting Edward as blood runs from his eye, and cleaning the dorm afterwards so the others won't have to do it. For a split second, I wonder how Tobias even knows about that, but I don't have time to dwell on the thought since he continues without hesitation, taking me with him.
I'm standing back while Christina grabs the flag, letting her share the victory I earned. My hand rests on Will's arm as we walk higher and higher, lending him strength that Dauntless won't let him admit he needs. I'm launching myself at Peter to push him out of the way of a bullet, despite everything he's done. I'm avoiding Christina so she won't have to face the person who killed her boyfriend. Tobias is being elected to leadership because I refuse my nomination.
Zeke is smiling as he tells Tobias about a conversation with me – about how I convinced him Shauna can stay in Dauntless despite her paralysis. I'm looking into Tobias' eyes, telling him that he is the best person I know, when he's sure it isn't true. We're rescuing Caleb, saving his life despite his betrayal – and then I'm giving him the chance to earn forgiveness. The memory sends a twinge through me, as I think of where my brother is now, but Tobias moves on, and I see myself helping Lauren even as I feel jealous of her.
"Be honest."
This is my weakest area, but there's no pause before the images start. I'm leaning on the wall outside the dorm as I observe that Eric acts the way he does because he's afraid of losing his power. We're by the chasm, Tobias watching my lips as I ask if having to see his father again is the reason he doesn't want to be a leader. I'm standing between Marcus and his son while telling Caleb that not all of the Erudite articles were lies. Jack Kang is foolishly dismissing me as I tell Candor why they were attacked. Tobias is just as foolishly ignoring my attempts to say that his father knows something we need to learn.
I'm facing Tobias, explaining why I led Marcus into Erudite as he tries to close his ears to my words. Amanda Ritter's video is playing, exposing a truth to the entire city because of me. Tobias is listening, shocked, as I tell him that Evelyn said I was only temporary, and as I explain that sometimes the "truth" people tell is really just their opinion. Anna is sitting at her desk, admitting how much the rebels manipulated Chicago, after I showed her that reality in my test "broadcast." And most importantly, I'm volunteering to come on this dangerous mission in order to expose the truth about NUSA to every person who's listening.
With the final example, Tobias finally pauses, letting the honesty of his message sink in.
"I have told you the truth today," he continues after a moment. "Now, it is time for you to accept that truth and to build a new path forward, one that includes everyone in this country."
And at last the images shift away from me. My mind is flooded now with pictures of the countless shelters we've seen in the past few days, and the people huddled in them against the cold. I see so many of the empty eyes and hungry bodies and broken spirits we've passed by here and in Pittsburgh. Tobias' pain spikes through me at a sound we've heard over and over here, of a hand striking someone, followed by the sobbing of a woman or child.
He contrasts that against the mansions we saw on the way into the city. And a beautiful building that I realize is where he is now. And the people we saw eating and drinking casually while starving children watched.
"This is wrong," Tobias stresses. "This is not the way the world should be. You need to take better care of each other than this." He pauses briefly, and I can feel him fighting his own emotions.
"When you see someone who is hurt, or starving, or freezing, help them," he continues adamantly. "When you see people beating their family, do something about it. We are all human beings, and we deserve better."
Again, he falls silent, struggling even more with himself. I can tell that there's one more truth he feels the need to reveal, but he doesn't want to. He really doesn't want to. And suddenly I want so much to tell him that he doesn't have to, that he's done enough. But the transmission is one-way. He can't hear me.
I'm still biting my lip when I feel him swallow hard, shaking a little, before he finds the strength to continue.
He is a child, watching Marcus beat his mother. Sobs are wracking through his body, and he is pleading with his father to stop. He tries to step forward to intervene, but he is so afraid. He has felt those fists pound into him before, and he can't bear that pain…. But he also can't stand to let his mother feel it. He curls his arms around himself, sinking into a ball on the floor, feeling his cowardice as he cries and cries. And as the anguish echoes through him, he knows it will never end.
I don't think I have ever felt anything more urgently than I do in this moment. Every single cell in my body frantically wants to step in, to somehow stop this now and to keep it from ever happening again, to anyone. And I understand why Tobias is sharing this memory. Everyone in the country must be feeling that same urge. They now all grasp the perspective of that child.
"Do something," he repeats so strongly that every muscle in my body tenses.
"Do something before the cycle repeats, before that child grows up and does the same thing." And I see from his perspective as his fist smashes against me. His remorse is overpowering, so intense I can barely remain standing, and I hear gasps from the people around me despite how firmly the broadcast holds them in place.
"Do better than that," he finally whispers. "Be better people than that."
For a second, I think he's finished, and I know from the total silence of the world around me that he has said enough. But he doesn't seem to think so. With a huge effort, he pulls himself together and continues.
"Follow Tris' example. Let her help you build a new government, and make it work for everyone…. She is your new President."
What?!
With that, the broadcast finally ends, Tobias' image slipping from our minds. But for a long moment, we all continue standing in stunned silence.
What the hell did he just do? I can't be President. I'm only sixteen, and I have no experience with leadership – no idea what I'm doing. I haven't even lived in this country.
For a second, I hope against hope that the final part of the broadcast didn't work, but then I see faces turning toward me. The soldiers who were guarding me ten minutes ago now stare at me, and I hear their voices start.
"It's the President."
"She's injured."
"We have to help her."
"Madam President, let us help you. Please."
I close my eyes, feeling the weight of duty pulling me down. I don't want this. I don't I don't I don't. But the Abnegation always taught that power should be given to those who don't want it. And I just finished admitting to myself that there are no good choices for this position. At least I know I can trust myself….
I breathe as deeply as I can through my broken ribs before I open my eyes. "Yes, you can help me," I say hoarsely, looking at the eager expressions that surround me. "I need to get to the command center, wherever that is. And I want to make sure my friends are safe."