Chapter 43: Tris – Separation
The first week is the hardest. Initially, between the haze from the pain medication and how much it makes me sleep, I'm able to let the others convince me that I just missed Tobias, and that he'll be back soon. But by the time I'm allowed to sit up without a ventilator, there's no point in pretending any longer. It's clear he isn't coming to see me.
Uriah tries to insist that it's not a defection, that Tobias had to take Amar back home to be treated. Maybe it would have worked if Cara hadn't come to visit, checking on me and asking me to send some equipment and staff with them to the bomb shelter. She doesn't even try to cover for Tobias' absence – she just looks at me sadly and says to give him time.
Christina is more honest, with her Candor instincts that I doubt will ever really disappear. She tells me that Tobias is afraid of himself but that it doesn't mean he doesn't love me. Really, though, I think that just makes it all worse. It's harder to be mad at him this way, and I so want to be angry right now. It would undoubtedly hurt less.
I try to bury my sorrow in work, and fortunately there's plenty of it. Caleb and Margot spend most of each day by my hospital bed, relaying information to me, discussing ideas, and gathering my instructions. They spend the rest of their time with the staff they've put together, carrying out the decisions we made. I try to get Christina and Uriah to participate, too, but they're clearly not interested; they're just waiting until they're sure I'm okay before they head back to Chicago. I can't really blame them – they both have family to return to.
As the days slowly pass, I begin to appreciate every time I see someone who was not affected by the broadcast – or at least was less affected. It gets tiring to see Tobias' message reflected at me from face after face, as if the entire population now consists of adoring puppies. It's even harder when the face I most want to see among them, the one who inspired them, is no longer here. I try not to admit how much I miss him, but he's in every dream I have, and I feel a surge of hope every time someone tall with dark hair walks past my doorway. But it's never him, and the more time passes, the less likely it seems that I'll ever see him again.
It's more than a little strange the first time Peter visits me, walking with difficulty and making awkward small talk – some mix between his usual acerbic tone and what seems like a genuine attempt to be friendly. Well, friendlier, anyway. I figure out why when he asks me for a job. For whatever reasons, I don't tell him no immediately. I let him explain his reasoning, and I tell him I'll think about it, and I actually do. A few days later, I let Caleb find him a suitable position. I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe I just need someone around who will insult me occasionally to remind me that I'm not the image of perfection most of the country thinks I am.
Slowly, the people I asked to help me begin to gather in Philadelphia. Evelyn and Tori decline, as I expected, and George chooses to stay with Amar for obvious reasons. But the others trickle in, coming from various distances.
The people Anna named are the first to arrive. We're hesitant to trust them initially, since we don't know them and don't even have a way to truly verify their identities, but we let them help to some degree anyway. We just watch them closely. After all the betrayals back home, it's hard not to be at least a little paranoid.
The rebels we sent to safety come next, and I'm truly relieved to learn they all survived. Even Lauren made it, though she was in dire need of medical attention by the time they were able to come out of hiding, so she's currently hospitalized in Pittsburgh. The rebels aren't sure if she'll join us after that or return to Chicago; she was apparently not lucid enough to make a decision at the time they left to come here.
Anna, Johanna, and Jack Kang arrive last. I'm a bit surprised to see Jack, since I didn't really think he'd accept the offer, but I don't mind. At least I can count on him to be honest. And I'm genuinely pleased to see the other two.
Anna tells me quietly that Amar is responding reasonably well to being back in familiar surroundings with George, and that Tobias and Cara have started his treatments. She doesn't go into much detail, probably because of the way I go rigid when she mentions my former boyfriend, but I'm glad to hear they at least got there safely. It's likely to be the last news I get of them for a while, unless Cara thinks to keep in touch.
By the end of my second week in the hospital, I'm going stir-crazy and am beginning to threaten the nurses who attempt to help me bathe myself. As they gaze at me in confusion, their hands pausing in mid-air, I wonder how Tobias managed to find so many examples of kindness in my behavior. I certainly don't feel that inclination right now.
Fortunately, Anna takes charge at that point, insisting that it's time to move me to the President's Mansion. It's a relief to leave this place, even if I know I'll still be mostly bed-ridden for a few more weeks.
The President's Mansion is huge. It's only a few stories tall, but its footprint is probably the size of the entire Erudite compound. Thousands of people could live comfortably in a space this big, but instead I'm told it houses only the president's family and staff. After so many years in Abnegation, I find the thought abhorrent.
When I complain about it, Caleb suggests we use this as an opportunity to demonstrate how serious we are about changing things. My "advisors," as they've taken to calling themselves, have mixed responses to the idea, but I like it, and we end up opening most of the building to families with young children. They don't have much more privacy here than in the camps, with how many of them pack into the enormous rooms, but at least they're protected from the weather and have access to some of the basics they've lived without for so long. It feels good to make a direct difference, even on a relatively small scale, so we decide to extend the program to other government buildings around the country.
My body continues to heal as the work piles up even more. We firm up the structure of our transitional government, but it will be a massive effort to improve the country's infrastructure and work on its many deep problems. And we still have to develop a long-term government, preferably an elected one. It's an overwhelming process, and I'm glad to have help from all the others.
In particular, I know I couldn't do this without Anna – or Caleb for that matter. In many ways, Anna reminds me of my mother, and being with her and my brother makes me feel like I have a family again, despite how much I miss my parents and Tobias. She helps me heal, I suppose. And the Dauntless in me loves how she talks with us in a way Abnegation never let us do. I find myself constantly amazed by how bluntly she states her thoughts and opinions, and how she encourages us to do the same.
The two of them hold me together through everything else, particularly as the day draws near for Christina and Uriah to leave.
"Are you sure I can't talk you out of it?" I ask Christina hopefully on her last night here.
She shakes her head with a sad little smile. "I'm sorry, Tris. I hate to leave you, but this just isn't home for me." I sigh, because it's not really my home, either, even though it's where my only remaining family is. But Tobias didn't give me much of a choice.
"Hey, look on the bright side," Christina says with an attempt at cheerfulness. "They're letting me take one of those portable communication things with me, so we'll have a way to talk." She pauses, looking at me with that direct gaze she always pulls off so well. "I have no idea how to use it, but I'll make them teach me, and I expect you to call me at least once a week."
I nod, trying to smile, and for a moment we just look at each other. Then, she pulls me carefully into her arms, hugging me for so long I begin to have trouble breathing through the pressure on my ribcage. She finally pulls back, and I'm vaguely surprised to see tears on her face. It makes moisture prick behind my eyes too.
"You take good care of yourself, you hear me?" she murmurs, and I nod again.
"You too, Christina."
Uriah stops by my room an hour later to say his own goodbye. By now, I know my eyes are red. It's too much to lose my friends on top of Tobias, and it's been impossible to fight the tears back completely.
But I feel better as I look at Uriah, his kind expression telling me it doesn't matter if I've been crying. He probably has been too.
"I'm going to miss you, Tris," he says softly, looking at the floor. He looks so lost all of a sudden, and it occurs to me how few friends he has left. How few either of us has.
Impulsively, I step forward and wrap my arms around him, hugging him the way Christina and I held each other earlier.
"I'll miss you, too," I murmur against his chest. Uriah has always – always – been such a good friend to me.
As I step back, I make an effort to smile. I shouldn't let my own sadness make him feel guilty for leaving.
"Give Zeke a kiss for me, huh?" I say with the best grin I can muster.
He laughs, his usual flamboyance reappearing. "No, that would just be weird…. I should definitely kiss Shauna for you instead."
My grin widens. "It's your funeral, Uriah." But the words don't have the desired effect. They remind me too much of the conversation we had while rescuing Caleb a thousand years ago. They remind me of Tobias.
They must remind Uriah, too, because his face grows serious again.
"Tris," he says after a moment, "I really like Four. I do. He's always been a good friend – almost a second brother. And I really hope he gets his shit together and comes back to you, because you two are good for each other."
He pauses, kicking at the floor, his eyes downcast. "But if he doesn't," he adds slowly, "you should know you have options."
His eyes move up to mine, and for a second, we just look at each other. I'm still trying to figure out what he means when he steps forward and kisses me, very gently, on the lips. I'm too surprised to react at first, so I'm not entirely sure how long the kiss lasts before I collect myself and step back. I have no idea how to respond.
There's an awkward silence before Uriah smiles a bit sadly. "I'll see you, Tris," he says softly.
"Yeah," I manage to answer. "Have a good trip back." The words sound lame even to my own ears, and he doesn't try to answer them. Instead, he just nods a little before slipping from the room.
As the door shuts behind him, I walk the few feet to my bed and sink slowly onto it. What in the world just happened? Since when does Uriah like me? I think back through our interactions since the first time we met. He's always been friendly, and he's always flirted to some degree, but he does that with everyone. Even when he was dating Marlene, he still reacted to every girl he saw that way. It's just who he is.
I shake my head, unable to figure it out. Maybe he was affected by Tobias' broadcast, like everyone else, or maybe my loneliness combined with his own grief over Marlene made him do something strange. I don't know. It's not like it matters, anyway. As sweet as Uriah is, he's not what I want. He's not Tobias. And no amount of time will ever change that.
That night, I dream that I was the one who reached the Control Computer first, and that I gave the broadcast instead of Tobias.
As he did, I start with the message from Anna, trying to ensure that Chicago is safe and that my remaining friends stay alive. When I reach the part about who to put in charge, I'm overwhelmed by the same doubts I felt in Tobias' broadcast, and I latch onto thoughts of him.
"Be brave," I transmit, filling my mind with images. I see Tobias following me up the Ferris wheel despite his fear of heights, his large hand steadying me as I almost fall. And then he is fighting my three attackers by the dark chasm, saving me from certain death. I follow him into his fear landscape, watching as he exposes his greatest fears so I will know him better.
He refuses to run as soldiers approach us in Abnegation, choosing instead to stay with me as I lie there bleeding from a gunshot wound. Jeanine is choking and gasping as Tobias' fingers tighten around her throat after she tells us her plans. Tobias is shielding me from bullets by an elevator in Candor. His eyes meet mine in a hallway in Erudite, and the courage I see in them almost drowns out the guards holding onto both of us. Then, he is fighting every obstacle to help us escape – and fighting his way back in days later to end the war.
As with his broadcast, there are so many moments to choose from that I can't even count them all. Tobias may be right that he is Abnegation at his core, but he is certainly Dauntless too. He is the bravest person I know.
"Be selfless," I continue, letting my mind turn to the aptitude we both grew up with.
He is throwing knives at me, knowing that it could make me hate him but knowing also that it is the only way to keep me safe from Eric. We're standing in a hallway as he tells me he'll delete my simulation to hide my Divergence, without even letting me know how dangerous it is for him to do that. His arm thrusts me backward away from Marcus in his fear landscape as he faces his greatest fear to protect me. I feel relief as he marches into a room where Eric is threatening me and my friends, saving me from the consequences of running off to see Caleb.
Tobias is climbing onto a train full of sleep-walking Dauntless in order to do what he can to help Abnegation. He is trying to get Jeanine to kill him instead of me as she describes her new Divergent-proof simulation. The Dauntless are electing him to leadership, a position he has never wanted but accepts for the sake of the city. He's trying to convince me not to surrender myself to Jeanine, when I know he plans to go instead. We're crammed into a small closet in Erudite as he ignores his claustrophobia to tell me to hang on – that he's arranged my rescue. His gentle hands wash my feet in the house he grew up in, trying to comfort me in the place that formed his worst fears.
There are so many more examples I could show, but apparently some part of my mind knows that is enough, because my dream moves on.
"Be smart."
Tobias is teaching us strategy, slipping in bits of philosophy without Eric noticing. He is giving me advice that allows me to beat Molly – and avoid being kicked out of Dauntless. His eyes watch me, encouraging me to come up with an idea in Capture the Flag instead of presenting one himself, knowing it will change the way the others view me. He is standing in his room, telling me I need to show some vulnerability to my friends in order to ward off another attack. Eric laughs cruelly at a story Tobias invents, his amusement and scorn at the tale causing him to let me go without punishment.
Tobias is describing how he discovered the plot against Abnegation, brushing over his ability with computers as if hacking through security is the easiest thing in the world. His fingers fly over a keyboard, disabling a simulation that Jeanine – the smartest person in Erudite – personally developed. He is coming to the same conclusion I did in an enormous empty space in Candor, as he looks at a needle with blue dye. A crowd of displaced Dauntless listens uncertainly as he suggests we return to our compound, to the home we badly need to restore our sense of self.
"Be kind." Tobias is sitting by me, telling me to put ketchup on my hamburger right after I arrive in Dauntless. His blue eyes rest on me as he selects me first for Capture the Flag when I expect to be picked last. He is sleeping on the floor in his own room as I lie on his bed, bruised from what Peter and the others did to me. Tobias is quoting my father's words to me, risking having me figure out who he is in order to comfort me after Al's death. And then he is telling me I'm worth liking when I'm sure I'm not, just before his lips find mine, showing me how much he means what he's saying.
He's reassuring me after my fear landscape, easing my panic at the thought of what a boy his age might want from me. He kisses me again and again with nothing but love, never pressuring me into anything I'm not ready to do. His arms wrap around me, holding me tightly as I cry for my parents in his bed in Amity. He presses his forehead to mine in Candor as he tries to get me to stop being so reckless, to stop trying to throw my life away.
His hands wrap around mine to hold a gun in place as he teaches me to shoot again. And finally, he broadcasts an image of himself as a boy to an entire country, to ensure that no child ever again has to go through what he did.
"Be honest." Tobias' voice carries to me from below, telling me that teamwork is supposed to be a Dauntless priority as we climb the Ferris wheel. We're standing in a hallway as he explains that our faction's ideals have become corrupted by a change in leadership. He's revealing the truth about his past by letting me see his fear landscape. We're on a train as he tells me about Erudite's plans. We're on another train, a smile curving his lips, as he says he loves me.
Amanda Ritter's video is playing because of his decision to show it, to give the entire population the truth about why the city was formed. We're in Candor again as he tells me that he traded Dauntless for me. His eyes are intense on mine as he says we need to rescue Caleb. In a different room, he's admitting how afraid he is that he'll turn into his father. He's questioning Amar and Anna about the rebels and the mission we're undertaking. Finally, he is broadcasting the truth to all of NUSA.
I wake up slowly, the images lingering in my mind. I know I won't be able to fall asleep again after that, but I don't get up. Instead, I lie there for a long time, just thinking about the man I was lucky enough to call my boyfriend for three months. I don't know if he'll ever return to me or not, but I know that I'll do what Cara suggested. I'll give him the time he needs. Because no matter how much his absence hurts, I know that I want him back. And I know that he's worth waiting for.
A/N: Just to avoid confusion, I am definitely NOT introducing any love triangles. I've always felt that Uriah kind of liked Tris, and I wanted to give him that one moment, but that's it. She loves Tobias and no one else.
Anyway, please take a moment to review. Your reviews mean so much to me, so thank you very, very much for all of them! Thank you also to my fantastic beta reader, Rosalie!