Chapter 44: Tobias – Understanding

It was a mistake to come to this service. I thought I owed it to those who died protecting the city, but everyone assumes I'm here for Marcus. And I swear I'm going to lose it if one more person tells me they're sorry for my loss and goes on and on about what a great man my father was.

But I can't leave yet, not until Cara and the others from the bomb shelter are ready, since we're all driving back in the same vehicle. So, instead I wander around trying to avoid people, and trying to keep my thoughts focused on anything except him.

I pass the gravestones, ignoring the first one and reading the names of the others being honored – those who died on our mission. Robert. Lisa. Pari. Paul. Mona. We lost a third of the group that left the bomb shelter that night. But as I look around at the hundreds of people attending the memorial service, I know that those people are alive because of our mission. We stopped the NUSA army as it gathered outside the gates, preparing to attack. We saved every life in this city.

Unfortunately, I have no desire to be treated as a hero.

My eyes make another circuit of the area, looking for a quiet place to hide out while I wait, and I settle on an abandoned building that overlooks the park. I should be able to watch from there to figure out when the others are ready to leave.

I make it out of the crowd and am halfway to the building when I hear a familiar voice.

"Tobias!" my mother calls. I stop, debating how to respond, but I know she at least won't offer sympathies for Marcus' death. And she's certainly not likely to smother me with thanks. So I let her approach, though I cross my arms over my chest to ensure she doesn't try to embrace me.

She stops a few feet away, watching me with an unreadable expression as I glower at her. Our last conversation wasn't exactly friendly, and I'm not in the mood to rehash it right now.

After a long moment, she slips her hand into her coat pocket and pulls out a folded piece of paper, holding it out to me.

"I did as you asked," she says tightly. At first, I'm not sure what she means. It's not until I take the paper and see my own handwriting that I understand. I had forgotten about the note I gave Zeke as we left Erudite. It feels like that was years ago – so long that I have to read it to remember what I wrote.

Evelyn,

I decide who's permanent in my life, and right now, you're not on that list. If you ever want to change that, you need to start by respecting the people I care about – Tris and Zeke and Tori and their friends. If you harm them, you and I are done. But if you can get over your personal vendetta enough to work with them, then maybe there's a chance for us. It's your choice.

– Tobias

"I cooperated with Tori and Anna," my mother says, her tone an odd mixture of hesitation and insistence. "We worked together to prepare the city for attack."

I just stare at her, unsure how to respond. She listened to other people? She actually worked with them? Because I asked her to? It's more than a little hard to believe.

She clears her throat before adding somewhat bitterly, "It was difficult for me to accept what you wrote at first…. I have to admit that your note made me angry, and I'm sorry to say I put Zeke in jail for a day. But I did release him. He was not harmed in any way."

I nod very slightly, still watching her. I have only spoken with Zeke once since returning, just long enough to let him know that Uriah was safe, and to make sure he and Shauna were okay. He didn't mention anything about this, but he was free and seemed fine. It's somewhat surreal to think that's because my mother was trying to repair our relationship – I had all but given up on that ever happening.

But as we continue to stare at each other, I realize I have no idea what to do next. My mother hasn't been a real part of my life for so long I don't have the faintest idea how to begin to mend that.

Maybe we should start with the truth.

"What happened to my little brother?" I ask. I know the question must seem like it's coming out of nowhere, since Evelyn has no idea what Marcus shared with me. But I need to hear her side of the story. I need to know exactly why she left me with a monster, and I need to know what happened to the child she chose over me.

Evelyn looks startled and sad and guilty all at once – it's a look of pain I remember from when I was young, and it brings out the same feelings in me. But I ignore them, waiting to see what she says.

Her eyes shift to the ground, moving around as if searching for answers.

"Tobias…" she says quietly. Her voice is filled with an aching – a longing – and I'm sure she's going to tell me the baby died. But instead she whispers, "There was no way to be fair to both of you. Marcus didn't give me that option…."

I interrupt her, my voice stiff even in my own ears. "You had a choice. You could have given the baby to its real father. Did you ever consider that, before you decided to abandon me?" I know my voice sounds bitter, petulant even, but I can't help it.

She's silent for so long I'm sure she isn't going to reply, and I begin to debate leaving. This conversation is pointless. There's clearly no future for us.

"I never had an affair," she says finally, her voice breaking partway through the last word.

A surge of anger goes through me. She's lying. Again. This time, I do start to leave, but her voice stops me.

"It was a girl, Tobias." I turn back to her, trying to make sense of her words, and I freeze at the terror in her gaze. She's trembling as she adds, "As bad as Marcus was to you, you can't even imagine how much worse he would have been to her. I couldn't let that happen. She was so small and fragile…. I couldn't let her face sixteen years of what he would do. I just couldn't…."

Her eyes are locked on mine now, pleading with me to understand as she continues. "There was no way to give her up for adoption without his permission, and he would never have given it. And I couldn't take you both away, or he would have chased us down. And I thought…. You were nine – over halfway to freedom. And you were getting so big. I thought within a few years you'd be big enough to stand up to him, and he wouldn't dare hurt you anymore."

She swallows hard, looking down as she continues. "So, I convinced the nurse to help me. She was sympathetic, and she showed Marcus the other baby that was born that day. He had much darker skin, and it was enough to make Marcus believe the child wasn't his." Evelyn makes a small movement against her face, and I realize she's wiping tears away. I can't remember the last time I saw her cry – not since I was very little.

"The nurse helped us escape, and I began raising Margaret among the factionless. I planned to keep her until she reached school age, but…." She shakes her head. "Let's just say I wasn't any better a mother to her than I was to you." Evelyn's mouth twists bitterly. "So, when she was three, I gave her up for adoption in Candor. I'd been factionless long enough at that point to be able to do it without listing her father's name or getting his signature."

Evelyn looks away again, falling silent. But my mind is racing with everything she's said. For the first time since I found out my mother was alive, I understand why she left. And I can't really blame her. I can't even be angry that she kept the truth hidden all this time, because if Marcus had found out, he would have searched out his daughter and reclaimed her. Keeping Margaret secret was the only way to protect her.

"Is she still alive?" I ask, my voice subdued. We killed so many Candor as we fought our way into Erudite….

My stomach sinks at the guilt that flashes across my mother's face. It seems to confirm my fear. But instead she answers, "Yes" in a tight voice. She pauses before adding, somewhat reluctantly, "She's Divergent, like you are. That kept her safe from the simulation."

Safe from that, maybe, but I know what other dangers the Divergents in Candor faced. My mind goes back to the day the Dauntless traitors attacked while we were there. Eric almost killed Tris then, and he shot a boy next to her. But before that, she saved a girl….

I didn't see the girl that day, but as I think about her, another memory surfaces – of Jack Kang asking the Divergents to come forward. My father and Tris and I made our way to the front of the crowd, along with a few other people, and Tris exchanged nods with a girl. A girl who looked to be around nine, with dark brown hair and deep blue eyes. I see her in my mind, walking up to join us, and I see my father's eyes turn toward her. And I understand.

"Marcus saw her, didn't he?" I ask, my own voice as tight as my mother's. "When we were all in Candor after the attack? He suspected who she was."

Evelyn's lips press together into a line, and she looks away before nodding.

"That's why you were so determined to erase all the Erudite data." I state it as a fact, not a question. "The adoption records were stored there, and you were listed as her mother."

Evelyn doesn't answer, but I know I'm right. And that thought leads to another…. It never made sense that my father broke into Erudite to retrieve Amanda Ritter's video. Yes, he wanted to use their equipment to play it to everyone, but he must have had a copy of the file itself. As good as he was with computers, he undoubtedly would have made at least one backup. If nothing else, the rebels would have had their own copies. And if he had the file, he could have played it from a variety of computers – ones that were much easier to access than Jeanine's.

No, he needed a computer with access to everything in the database, and he needed it before that data was erased. So he could see if he had a daughter.

For a moment, I just think about how close Margaret came to living a life like mine. But then my mind shifts to the person who's never far from my thoughts, and I realize just how badly we all punished Tris for saving my sister's life.

I yelled at her, and threatened to break up with her for senselessly risking her life. My mother was willing to let her die in Erudite, only agreeing to help after I traded Dauntless for her. And then my father used her to get him into Jeanine's lab. A shudder passes through me as I think about how I responded when I saw her there. I can't stand to think about it for long.

I turn away, feeling my hands form tight fists at my sides as anger fills me.

"Tris saved her life, you know," I say harshly. "She saved both of your children. And just look at how we all repaid her." I shake my head, too disgusted to continue. And suddenly I'm done with this conversation.

I've taken two steps away when my mother's voice sounds again, strained this time. "I thought Tris would come today, with you. I wanted to apologize to her."

The words freeze me in place, sending ice through every vein in my body. This is not a subject I want to discuss. But maybe I should. Maybe I should let Evelyn see the results of her decisions, of all our decisions.

"Well," I say harshly, "you're out of luck." I don't turn to face her. "We're not together anymore. And given whose funeral we're at, I bet you can guess why."

My mother's breath catches, and her voice is almost a moan as she says, "Oh, Tobias, you didn't…."

I whirl towards her again, more furious than ever at the disappointment in her voice. "What, you're going to act surprised now?" I shout, not caring if anyone else can hear us. "You're the one who told me I was just like him. You should be happy. You were right, after all."

She stares, shaking her head. "No, Tobias. I never wanted this. Never."

"Yeah," I snarl, "well, it's not like either of us has gotten anything we wanted in life, is it?"

I turn away again, breathing hard, feeling something well up in me that I've controlled carefully since I was very young – the desire to sob at the hopelessness of my life.

I don't know how long we stand there silently, but I'm surprised when my mother steps closer to me and takes hold of my arm. It's a gentle grip, but I don't expect it – not when I'm sure she must be afraid of me right now. It makes me look at her again.

"Tobias," she says softly, like she's approaching a dangerous animal. "There's something you should know about." I glare at her, not answering, and she sighs before continuing.

"The Erudite had support programs to help with different problems. I saw them when I was growing up there – one for alcoholism, and one for cigarette addiction, and several for domestic violence. There was one for abuse victims, and one for abusers…and one for those who, despite the best intentions…have become both."

She looks away for a moment, letting me digest that, before she adds, "Those programs are open to everyone now. I made sure that all of the factions have to share their strengths." Her eyes meet mine again, and for several seconds, we watch each other warily. Then, her voice quivering, she says, "I'll go if you will."

The full impact of what she's offering hits me, hard. She's admitting to the harm she's done, and she's trying to reconnect with me. And she's suggesting something that might actually help. Something that could let me be with Tris again someday, if she still wants….

I shake my head, not daring to let myself believe in any of this, not daring to hope. But a little creeps in anyway.

"Does it work?" I ask, very quietly.

Evelyn shrugs, some of the familiar bitterness returning to her face. "How would I know? It wasn't open to me when I needed it most." She looks away, her mouth flattening into a line before she adds, "But I imagine it does. The Erudite are all about efficiency. They wouldn't continue a program that doesn't work."

I nod slowly. The truth is I have nothing to lose by trying this – and everything to gain.

"Okay," I say softly, staring at the ground. My mother touches my arm again, and I look up reflexively. For the first time in my memory, I see hope in her eyes. And maybe, just maybe, there's an answering reflection in my own.