Chapter 45: Tris – Returning

It's strange to see Chicago again. Anna warned me it would seem different – partly because my perspective has changed over the last year and partly because the city itself is no longer the same. Particularly with the restructuring of the factions. It took a long time to iron out the details around that, but doing so allowed the city to join our fledgling country. Chicago now has elected representatives and the same form of government as the rest of the United Citizens of America.

But the factions survived, in a form. They were too popular to eliminate completely, and eventually even Evelyn had to accept that. So, we worked out a compromise, one that removed the legal power but kept the social aspects. Basically, people are free to live together in communities, and they're free to explore a common interest or value however they want within those communities. But they can't make their own laws, and if they're above a certain size, they have to allow people to visit and to use their facilities and services.

The concept has worked well – so well that it's spread to the rest of the UCA. I suppose this is yet another impact of Tobias' broadcast. The people have thoroughly embraced the ideals of bravery, selflessness, intelligence, honesty, and kindness, so it's natural that they'd want to incorporate those values into every aspect of their lives. They added their own twist, though, by creating new factions that explore multiple virtues at once. Each one has its own name, but I tend to refer to them collectively as "Divergent factions." They've become popular in Chicago, too, particularly among the former factionless.

I see signs of this new way of life as we drive through Chicago, moving slowly down street after street. There are still clusters of matching colors in places, but they're interspersed with different shades, and I see many people adorned with mixes of various colors.

The Hub comes into view, and I can't help but remember the last time I was there, when I let my blood drop onto the sizzling coals. I was so frightened that day, so torn by what to do. I'm glad that sixteen-year-olds no longer have to make that type of choice.

We pass by the Erudite compound, which looks clean and alive again as crowds of people mill around it. Blue is still the dominant color here, but not in the forced way it used to be. It's good to see other colors mixed in – if nothing else, it eases the tension that still knots my stomach at the sight of this particular location. This will never be an easy place for me to see.

We continue north toward the Hancock building before turning west. I remember walking this route with Tobias those last two dangerous nights in the city before we left on our mission. It looks very different from in the car.

Adam makes a sharp turn, as if he almost missed a road, and I resist the urge to ask if he's sure he knows the way. It's still a struggle to trust people, but he's driven me enough times to deserve some respect, and Christina undoubtedly gave him good directions. So, I keep my silence.

We end up on Oak Street, driving past an eclectic mix of older and newer buildings made from a variety of different materials. This isn't a route I took regularly at any point in my life, but it still looks familiar. It's not until I see the building that I realize why. I only ever saw it at night, but I have no trouble recognizing the location of Tobias' factionless apartment. I'm not surprised when we pull up to the curb in front of it. Christina must not have realized I was ever here, or she would have mentioned that this is where they all live now.

I don't know if I like the thought of living here or not.

"This is it, Madam President," Adam says, stating the obvious.

"Thank you," I tell him quietly, my thoughts on a very different moment with a very different man. "But I'm not the president anymore. Remember?"

He shrugs. "You'll always be the president to me," he says with an almost shy smile. I try not to sigh. Personally, I'm delighted to finally be rid of that title. It was a happy day for me when our new government was solid enough for elected officials to assume all the power – and an even happier one when they stopped constantly seeking my help, and I could think about returning home.

"Well, thank you for the ride," I begin, but Adam just rolls his eyes. He knows by now that I'm far from weak, despite my small stature, but there's no way he's going to let me carry my bags by myself. No matter how much I've tried to push the idea that all people are equal, he'll never quite accept the idea of a driver letting a president carry luggage.

So, I let him lug the two larger bags while I take the two smaller ones. Even after a year in office, my possessions fit into four bags.

I lead Adam through the lobby, noticing that all the broken windows have been replaced and that everything is now clean. I start for the stairs automatically, remembering the way from when Tobias led me in the dark a thousand years ago. But as we pass the elevator, I see that its panel is lit, and it occurs to me that I don't want Adam having to carry the bags up multiple flights of stairs. He's never told me how old he is, but given the gray in his hair, he must be at least fifty.

So, we clamber into the elevator, and I press the button for the third floor. My palms are already starting to sweat in anticipation. I can't help but wonder if Tobias is here right now. I haven't entirely decided how I feel about the prospect of seeing him again, let alone living in the same "mini-faction" as him. I doubt it's something I can figure out in advance. But I know I'm looking forward to seeing Christina and Cara and Uriah and the others.

The elevator opens onto a clean, pleasant hallway with large windows at either end. It looks so different than the last time I was here that I pause for a moment to take in the sight. There are multiple open doors along the hallway, but I can't tell off-hand which ones are for the community rooms and which are apartments.

I find myself turning left, walking in the direction of Tobias' apartment before I fully realize what I'm doing. As with the other doors, it's open, and I pause to look inside, though I keep my feet in the hallway. It would be rude to intrude on his space.

I catch only a glimpse inside it before I hear a squeal of joy from the other end of the hallway.

"Tris! You're here!" Christina races toward me, her face lit with delight, and I feel an answering grin split my face. It's been far too long since I've seen her.

She pulls me into a hug, ignoring the bags in my hands, but since there's nothing breakable in them, I let them drop and wrap my arms around her in response. For a very long time, we embrace each other while Christina peppers me with rapid-fire questions, and I try to slip answers in between them.

Finally, she pulls back, holding me by the shoulders and looking at me. "You've grown," she says, sounding surprised. But I just laugh.

"Yeah, that extra inch changes my entire look, doesn't it?" She laughs too. If anything, she's grown more than that, so there's even more of a height difference between us than there used to be.

But it doesn't bother me. I suppose that's another impact of Tobias' broadcast – I've spent the last year surrounded by people who saw me as the model of perfect beauty. So, while I'll never be tall or curvy, I no longer see myself as childlike or as being less than everyone else. I'm comfortable in my own skin.

"Christina, this is Adam," I say to introduce them. "He's Anna's driver, but he was kind enough to bring me all the way here from Philadelphia."

"It's nice to meet you," Christina says, reaching to shake his hand but stopping as she realizes he's still holding my larger bags.

"Um, let's start with your apartment," she adds, grabbing one of the bags I dropped as I retrieve the other. She leads us back the way we came, continuing past the elevator and down a few doors. She describes them as we pass.

"All of the apartments are on this side of the hallway, except for Four's, which is back there in the corner." She waves casually back to the doorway I was standing in. "The community spaces take up the rest of that side. We have a gathering room, a game room, an exercise room, a dining hall, and a group kitchen. It's a nice setup – you'll see. Anyway, this door here is Uriah's apartment, and the next one up is Cara's."

As we walk past that door, she points to the end of the hallway. "Zeke and Shauna have the corner unit, and there's an empty apartment next to them." She grins, adding, "It's a good thing, given how…loud they can be."

A slight flush of embarrassment rises on my face at her implication, but I don't say anything in response. She continues cheerily, "I'm next to the empty apartment, and on my other side…." She stops by that door. "Is your place. We're next to each other!"

She grins, eliciting an answering smile from me. "See what you think!" she says eagerly as she gestures for me to go in first.

I can't say I had any idea what to expect when I agreed to live here. I just knew that I wanted to try being near my friends again, rather than living with Caleb and his friends I've never met, or with Anna, who's only here part of the time, in between her trips to Philadelphia to serve as Chicago's representative. But whatever I might have expected, it wasn't this.

The apartment is perfect. It's small, in a way that appeals to the Abnegation in me – cozy, most people would say. There's a narrow front room with an efficiency kitchen, a sitting area with two comfortable-looking chairs, and a small desk with an office chair. I know instinctively that if I need more seats than that, or a bigger kitchen, I should be using the community spaces. That's what they're for, after all.

Behind the front room, there's a bedroom with a beautiful bay window. As I remember from Tobias' apartment, the ceiling is high, creating a sense of space even though the room itself is not large. The furnishings are simple: a wooden bureau and a double bed with a nightstand on one side. For a moment, I just stare at the comforter. It's the same color scheme as the one on Tobias' bed back in Dauntless. I smile, wondering how much of a role he played in setting up this apartment.

"Four picked that out," Christina says, as if reading my mind. She scrunches her nose slightly at his taste, but to me it's just right. I felt safe for the first time in Dauntless the night I slept on his bed, and this reminds me of that feeling.

"He also made you this," she adds, picking up a book from the top of the bureau. I reach for it before realizing that we're all still holding my bags.

"Adam, you can just leave those here," I tell him with a smile as I set my own bag down, and Christina follows suit. "I'll unpack them later."

He nods, placing the bags carefully onto the floor as if they contain precious cargo. "Did you need anything else, ma'am?" he asks solicitously.

"No, I'm fine. Thank you again for the ride."

"You're very welcome," he says, bowing his head in a gesture of respect. "If you need anything else, please let Anna know. We won't be returning to Philadelphia for another two weeks, and I'm sure she'd be happy to spare my services if you need them during that time." I nod, knowing he's right about that. Adam is my grandmother's full-time employee, driving her on all the trips she takes between here and Philadelphia, but he's given me plenty of rides when I needed them.

As he departs, I take the book that's still in Christina's hand. The cover displays three birds – the same ones tattooed onto my skin – but there's no text to indicate what's in it, so I tentatively open it.

"Oh, my god," I whisper as I stare at the first page. It's a photograph of me standing with my mother. The Abnegation don't take photographs, so the only pictures I have ever seen of her are childhood images that Anna had from Dauntless. But in this picture, she's an adult – she looks just the way I remember her.

It takes me a moment to place the scene, but then I realize it's from visiting day during initiation. Tobias must have found it in old security footage. I think of the screens in the Control Room, remembering the grainy black-and-white images, and I can't imagine how he turned that into this sharp, full-color picture. It must have taken a lot of work.

My breath catches even more when I turn the page. My father and Caleb stand together, and I know this must be from Dauntless as well. It's one of the last moments my father was alive, but he's looking forward with an expression of pride, and I realize the image must have been captured as we were talking. As he was looking at me.

I feel tears pricking behind my eyes, and I quickly turn the page before they have a chance to spill over. My father's face greets me again, this time captured from a meeting where he was serving as one of the city's leaders. And on the next page, my mother is volunteering in Amity. In total, the book contains five photographs of each of them, all clear and in full color. I can't fathom how much time Tobias must have spent scouring old footage to find these, and how much more time he spent making them look this way.

Ten minutes ago, I wasn't sure how I felt about the prospect of seeing him again, but in this moment I can't imagine anything I want more. I can't believe he did this for me.

"Are you okay?" Christina asks me quietly, touching my arm. I nod, blinking back the remaining moisture from my eyes. Old habits die hard, and it's still difficult for me to show weakness, so I turn away as I set the book down, somewhat reverently, on my nightstand. I know I'll want to look at the pictures again before I go to sleep tonight.

"So, I take it there's more to see," I prompt as I turn back to Christina.

She grins. "Absolutely!" She grabs my arm, pulling me with her enthusiastically back into the hallway and towards the end where Tobias' apartment is. She stops at the door opposite his, which is closed.

"This is George and Amar's apartment. They love visitors when their door is open, but when it's shut like this, don't intrude unless it's an emergency. Amar still tends to need a lot of quiet time."

I nod. "How is he, Christina?"

Her shoulder lifts in a half-shrug. "No different than the last time you asked." I suppose that makes sense – we talked about him a week ago, after all – but I can't help hoping that he'll magically be back to normal if I ask yet one more time.

Christina must see that hope on my face, because she smiles a little. "It's slow progress, but he really is much better than he was a year ago. He's down to two therapy sessions a week – one with Four and one with George – and he hasn't needed electroshock in the last three months. He still can't handle crowds or any kind of violence, but he's doing better with noise. He joins us most evenings now, despite Zeke and Uriah's…energy level. So, overall, he's good."

She rests a hand on my shoulder and adds, "You'll feel better after you get a chance to talk to him. A lot of the time, he seems pretty normal now."

I nod, looking away, and Christina clearly takes that as a cue to continue with the tour.

"So, um, that's the therapy room," she says, pointing to the next door over. "Four moved all the equipment here from the bomb shelter when George and Amar moved in." She gives me a quick grin and adds, "He also installed some crazy security system, so don't try to open the door, okay? It's really loud."

"Good to know," I say, making a mental note to avoid that room. Not that I have any desire to mess with serums and mental control over others – I've seen far too much of that for a lifetime.

"The next door over is the stairway," Christina adds, "and that's it for this side of the hallway." She turns back to the other side.

"So, as I said, Four's apartment is the only one on this side. We tried to kick him out once to expand the community rooms, but you know how stubborn he is. He insisted he needed to be able to watch the therapy room." She rolls her eyes, but I just smile a little as memories of a particular night so long ago come to mind. Of conquering my seventh fear. I can understand why Tobias is attached to that room.

Fortunately, for a change, Christina doesn't seem to notice my expression before I turn away, and she leads me toward the community rooms without suspicion.

We enter the kitchen first and see Cara up to her elbows in preparing a huge meal.

"Tris," she says with the tight smile that's characteristically hers. "I'm glad you made it here safely. I know it's a long ride."

I think about giving her a hug, the way I did with Christina, but her hands are full, and she's clearly busy, so I just answer. "It wasn't a bad trip at all. I came here with Anna, and her driver did all the work. I slept most of the way, to be honest."

She nods, clearly distracted by the vegetables she's chopping.

"Would you like some help?" I ask despite myself. I still have a number of habits left from Abnegation, and this is one of them.

"Tris! Don't go signing up for extra work!" Christina says, slapping my arm in exasperation. "You'll get your turn soon enough." And she leads me over to a chore list on the wall. The cooking and cleaning tasks for the next month are all listed, with names next to each. It's clear that the work is divided among everyone who lives here.

"We'll add you to the schedule in a week or two," she says. "But first, I should ask…do you know how to cook? Because if you're as bad as Zeke, we'll find something else for you to do."

I laugh. "Yes, I know how to cook, and clean for that matter. I grew up in Abnegation, remember?"

"And moved to Dauntless for the food, as I recall," she says, nudging me with her elbow.

I laugh again. "Okay, I admittedly only know how to make plain foods, but I can follow a recipe. If you haven't had problems with Tobias' cooking, you won't have trouble with mine either."

"Actually, we had to take Four out of the cooking rotation," Cara says briskly as she dumps her now-chopped vegetables into a large casserole dish. "Between Amar's therapy sessions, and Four's weekly dinner with his mother and sister, and his support meetings, it was too hard to work around his schedule. We got tired of eating at ten o'clock at night. So, he does building maintenance and cleaning now – things that are more flexible in timing."

"Oh," I say a bit blankly. For some reason, it bothers me a little that Cara knows Tobias' schedule so well. But I suppose she would have to, since she's been part of Amar's therapy from the beginning.

"So, he's still in the support program, then?" I ask a bit awkwardly. Christina has occasionally filled me in on what's happening with Tobias, but we steer clear of the subject more often than not. "Has it been…helpful for him?"

"I think so," Christina says seriously. "He seems to be more at ease with himself now. He doesn't always act like he has a stick up his…."

"Christina!" I interrupt, trying not to laugh.

"Well, it's true," she says with a snicker. "He's more relaxed nowadays."

I nod, trying to think of a good way to phrase what I want to say next. But it finally just slips out.

"Has he…been seeing anyone?"

Christina snorts loudly. "Oh, you did not seriously just ask me that, did you?" she exclaims.

"What?" I say defensively. I can feel my cheeks flaming. "It's not an unreasonable question. I haven't seen him in a year, and you've barely talked about him. How am I supposed to know?"

Christina rolls her eyes, but Cara is the first to respond. "No," she says firmly, turning a hard look on Christina, "it's not at all unreasonable to ask that. But the answer is no, he has definitely not been seeing anyone." Something inside me relaxes at that answer coming from Cara.

"He's still too hung up on you," Christina says, nudging me again. An odd lurching sensation goes through my stomach. I'm not quite sure if it's a good or bad feeling.

Cara purses her lips thoughtfully. "Objectively, that's not necessarily true," she says. "The program prohibits dating for at least the first six months, so even if he had wanted to 'move on,' he would have had to wait until he had permission from his sponsor and his advisors. It's a lengthy process."

"Yeah, well, speaking as one of his advisors," Christina interrupts, "I can tell you that he had no interest in the subject. We finally granted him permission because it was on the list of items to review, but he didn't care at all."

The answer reassures me even more, but I'm not sure I want to hear them continue debating it, so I take the opportunity to shift the subject a little.

"You're one of his advisors?" I ask Christina.

"Oh, yeah…" she answers awkwardly, looking like she isn't sure she was supposed to say that. For the first time, it occurs to me that the support program probably has confidentiality rules.

But apparently they don't bind Cara. She glances over at us as she begins rolling out some type of dough. "Yes," she answers. "The program requires that every participant pick two advisors – one male and one female – who are around them regularly. The goal is to extend the program into daily life, to help the participant learn to communicate better and to replace bad habits with better ones."

She shakes a little flour onto the dough before adding, "Four selected Zeke and Christina."

Christina rolls her eyes as she says, "And it's been a boat-load of fun, let me tell you…." I raise a curious eyebrow, and she smirks. "For the first five months or so, it was like trying to get a statue to talk."

I smile a little, but I understand what she means. Tobias has always been secretive and tight-lipped, and I'm sure it was a monumental effort to get him to open up more. But at the same time, he must have been serious about wanting to change some habits if he picked her for that role. He always used to complain about her "loud-mouthed Candor tendencies," but they would have been very effective for this.

"We finally worked out a deal," Christina continues. "When he was clearly mad or stressed but didn't want to talk about it, I'd send him on a walk, and he'd go – no questions asked. That gave him time to calm down and think, and then we'd talk later, whenever he was ready." She shrugs. "Or more often, he'd talk to Zeke afterwards. But at least he stopped bottling everything up so badly."

She gives me a strange half-smile as she adds, "That deal proved to be really helpful when Uriah told him about The Kiss. That would have been ugly otherwise."

For a moment, I just stand there, my muscles locked. I somehow never pictured Uriah telling anyone about that. Particularly not Tobias.

"How did he react?" I ask, my voice barely above a whisper.

"A little like a live volcano, I'd say," Christina answers with a straight face. "But I have to give him credit. He didn't actually blow his top – he just looked…scary. Zeke and I took turns sending him on walks for the next three hours. Every time he came back, we'd take one look at him and make him leave again." She chuckles slightly, shaking her head at the memory.

"But he calmed down?" I ask, not entirely sure what answer I want.

"Eventually…. But you know, after all that walking, he just asked one question in the end. I guess it was all he'd been thinking about." She quirks a knowing eyebrow at me before adding, "He asked if you kissed back."

The tension in me solidifies into a lump in my stomach. "What…." My voice catches, and I have to clear my throat to continue. "What did Uriah answer?"

Christina's eyebrows climb into her hair, and her mouth drops open for a second as she grabs my arms excitedly. "Oh my god," she squeaks out. "Spill! What didn't Uriah tell us? Do you like him?"

"No," I answer quickly, shaking my head emphatically. "It's not like that. He just…. He caught me by surprise, and I didn't react right away." I bite my lip before adding, "I don't know how he interpreted that." I look directly at Christina so she'll know I'm telling the truth. "But I don't like Uriah…that way. I truly don't."

Christina sighs, looking almost disappointed by the lack of juicy gossip. "Well, you're in luck," she says. "He interpreted it correctly. Or at least he told Four that – he said it was clear you weren't interested."

I sag slightly in relief, the tension leaving me all at once. I'm glad there was no misunderstanding about that. It would just cause awkwardness with Uriah, and I want us to still be friends. And even though I probably shouldn't care, I definitely don't want Tobias thinking that I kissed someone else.

"I'm just about done here," Cara says as she crosses to the sink to wash her hands. "If you want to show her the rest of the place, Christina, I'll join you in the gathering room."

But it's difficult to focus on the rest of the tour. My thoughts keep returning to Tobias, wondering so many things. I've spent the last year trying to figure out how I feel about him, alternating between trying to get over him and thinking that maybe someday we'll get back together. Every time I think I've figured it out, something throws me back to square one.

Get a grip, Tris, I tell myself firmly as Christina finishes showing me the dining room. I haven't heard a word she said about it.

We move into the gathering room next. It's a large space, with four extra-long couches forming a square for conversation and some additional seating nearby. It's hard for me to imagine how they use this room, since there was almost no socializing in Abnegation, and I wasn't in Dauntless long enough to get a sense of their customs. I suppose I'll find out.

We're about to head into the game room when something catches my attention. I don't know what it is, exactly, but some instinct makes me turn my head toward the door that leads to the hallway.

Tobias is standing in the doorway, his deep blue eyes watching me intently. He's silent, and I don't know how long he's been there, though it can't have been more than a minute.

For a long time, we just stare at each other. God, I'd forgotten how handsome he is. The sight melts something inside me, and suddenly it's as if we've never been apart. All of the feelings that I thought I had long since controlled come rushing back, and I realize I was a fool to ever think I was over him. I'm nowhere near. The intensity of the realization frightens me.

But as Tobias said once, fear doesn't shut me down. It wakes me up. That must be why I cross the room to him, my eyes still locked on his.

"Hi," I say softly when we're only a few feet apart.

His voice jumps a little as he answers. "Hi, Tris." He swallows nervously. Any reserve I had left disappears in that moment. I step closer to him, wrapping my arms around his waist and laying my ear against his chest the way I used to. I don't know what we are to each other at this point, or where things will go from here, but for now, I just want to hold him.

For a full two seconds, he stands completely still, his whole body rigid and his heart racing. And then he wraps his arms around me, pulling me to him tightly as he drops his face into my hair. I can feel him trembling very slightly and can hear his uneven breathing. It matches my own, and I know his emotions are just as strong as mine right now.

"Four," Christina says, and I want to tell her to go away, to let us just hold each other this way forever. It's easier like this. Everything is easier to face when we're in each other's arms.

"Four," she says again, her voice louder. This time, Tobias tenses, and I feel him lift his head to look at her.

"Ten minutes," she says, her voice somewhat apologetic.

For a moment, I'm just confused, and judging by the expression on Tobias' face when I look up, he is too. Their eyes lock briefly before he nods, stepping away from me and letting his arms drop.

"I'll be back soon," he tells me. Before I can respond, he's out the door.

I turn back to Christina, a mixture of confusion and anger filling me. "Why did you do that?" I ask, trying to keep my voice steady. "I wanted to talk to him!"

"I know," she says, her tone serious and gentler than usual, "and I'm sorry. But part of me still worries about the two of you together." She bites her lip. "You bring out so much emotion in each other, and that's both good and bad, you know? So, I wanted to make sure he'll listen even when you're involved, and even at a moment like this. It seemed like a good test…."

For a moment longer, I stare at her, fighting off my irritation. I don't like that she interfered, and I don't like that she apparently thinks she needs to protect us from each other. But I've spent a lot of time in the last year trying to understand other people's points of view, and the reality is, I can see hers.

"Did he pass?" I finally ask, as calmly as I can.

"Yeah." She takes a deep breath. "Yeah," she says again, her gaze meeting mine. "But just…whatever you do with him, just take it slowly, okay? Make sure it works for both of you."

I look down the hallway in the direction Tobias went, my eyes on the door that leads to the stairway. I don't answer Christina aloud, but I nod, because she's right. It would be foolish to rush this – whatever this ends up being.