Chapter 46: Tobias – Reconciliation

I don't know what's up with Christina. It's been months since she or Zeke asked me to take a walk. They both know I'm a good enough judge of myself at this point to leave on my own when I need to. I have been for a while.

And it's not like I was out of control. My emotions were – are – high from seeing Tris. Of course, they are…but not in a bad way. Certainly not in a dangerous way. There was no legitimate reason for Christina to send me out here.

I sigh, running a hand along the back of my neck as I start down the old familiar route. As a guess, this is Christina's way of making sure I'm still listening to her, so she'll know she can keep Tris safe if she ever needs to. And objectively, I'm glad Tris has a friend who cares that much about her. But I also know it's misplaced worry. For the first time in my life, I'm not afraid that I'll turn into Marcus. I finally trust myself enough for that, and I like the feeling too much to screw it up.

Someone brushes against me on the busy sidewalk, and I shift to the side to give him room to pass. It's been a long time since I walked this route. My feet still have it memorized from when I used to pound it a few times a week. Back then, I was frustrated with Amar's condition, and I missed Tris so much it hurt. Between that and the mess the city was in, I was angry more often than not, and it seemed utterly unrealistic to control that fury, let alone to discuss it with anyone.

It didn't help that I hated the support program at first. There was no way I wanted to get together with strangers and talk about my rotten childhood. I only went to a second meeting because I promised my mother – and I definitely wouldn't have kept going after that if my nightmares hadn't been so full of Tris.

But gradually, my attitude shifted. I kept hearing my own thoughts and experiences coming out of the other group members' mouths, and that made them seem less like strangers. And then I began to listen to the responses they got from the more experienced members, and I realized that someone always had a suggestion to offer – something that had helped them in a similar situation. Most of the suggestions were good, and that's what finally won me over.

I'm very glad now that I stuck with it. Over time, the other group members have become some of my closest friends, particularly my sponsor, Kevin. It's hard to imagine my life without them. We help each other overcome our scars and face our fears in a way that Dauntless never really did. We're stronger together.

When it comes down to it, I suppose that's why I'm walking right now, even though I know I don't need it. It's a show of faith in the program that's made such a difference for me, and of faith in Christina for that matter. She helped me through one of the darkest stretches of my life; I can take a ten-minute trek now if it helps her feel better about my being around Tris.

But we'll have a problem if she tries this again when I get back, because I will be talking to Tris tonight. I've waited too long not to.

My feet round the corner as my mind focuses on her. I can still feel the electrical energy running along every part of me she touched. It's not really surprising, but in a way I'd hoped it wouldn't happen anymore. That would have made it far easier to just be friends if that's what Tris wants. Instead, it will be every bit as difficult as I expected.

At least she's here, I tell myself. If she didn't want anything to do with me, she wouldn't have agreed to move into the same "mini-faction" as me. And she certainly wouldn't have hugged me. No, she clearly wants to see me. The question is what she wants from there.

I try not to let hope creep in. I know what I want, but I have to be realistic. So, as I've been doing since I learned Tris was moving back, I try to prepare myself to be nothing more than friends. I'm pretty sure I can make that work for a while, if I can avoid touching her, or smelling her unique fragrance, or looking at her too much. If I can hope that maybe someday the relationship will evolve into something more….

The biggest problem will be if she starts dating someone else. Christina said she hasn't so far, much to my relief, but I know it's just a matter of time. And there's no way I could watch that. My heart starts pounding harder at even the thought of it. I breathe deeply to slow it again, calming myself.

I have no idea how I'll handle that situation when it inevitably arises. I can't realistically move out, not while Amar still needs therapy. All the equipment is there. Besides, I know he needs my presence in between sessions, just as I need my friends in my daily life. It wouldn't be fair to abandon him, even if I wanted to – which I emphatically don't. I rub the back of my neck in irritation. I'll just have to find a way to make things work. This is my problem to deal with. It's a consequence of my mistakes, and I can't shift the burden to anyone else. I've done too much of that as it is.

I turn at the next corner, not bothering to check my watch. This route has always clocked in at right about ten minutes, and there's no reason to expect it to be different today, even if I haven't walked it in months.

I'm not giving Tris enough credit, I realize abruptly. She's not going to parade a new boyfriend in front of me, even if things do go down that path. That would be cruel, and that's one adjective I'd certainly never use to describe her. I just need to trust her.

Kevin always tells me to take things one day at a time. If it's too much to tackle doing something forever, just focus on doing it for a day, and then another day, and another one. And he's right. I don't know if I can just be Tris' friend forever, but I can be that today if she wants. And tomorrow. For now, that's enough.

Tris is standing in the gathering room, only a few feet from the door, when I return. Her eyes lock on mine instantly, as they did earlier, and my breath catches at the energy in them. It's as if she's radiating life, or at least everything that makes it worth living. I don't think I've ever seen anything more beautiful.

"Can we go somewhere private to talk?" she asks immediately, catching me a little off guard, and I find myself glancing at Christina to see if the two of them have been arguing. But she just nods, giving me a half smile. Apparently, I satisfied whatever concerns she had earlier.

"Yeah," I answer Tris. My voice sounds deep even to my own ears.

I hesitate for just a second before closing my fingers gently around her elbow, guiding her toward my studio apartment. It's a problematic location, given our history there, but I don't want to use her place. If things don't go well, she'd have bad associations with her room before she even sleeps there. I won't do that to her.

When we reach my room, I release her arm and gesture for her to enter first. That way, she can choose whether to sit or look around, though I know which she'll pick. She's too curious not to explore a little.

I look around too, trying to remember what this place looked like the last time she saw it. I'm pretty sure that everything has changed except for one item. That item tells a lot, though, and I'm not surprised when her eyes go to it immediately – the mattress on the floor, still in the same spot. I never could get myself to change it, not after the night we spent on it.

She looks at it for a moment, nodding slightly to herself, before she turns back to me.

"How are you, Tobias?" Her voice is carefully neutral.

"Okay," I answer just as neutrally. "Busy."

She nods. "Cara indicated that." She looks at me as if searching for a particular response. I'm not sure what. "She said they had to take you out of the cooking rotation because you were always busy."

I shrug. "It's getting better. Amar doesn't need as much therapy as he used to." I give a half smile and add, "And I don't, either. It's now just a session a week for each of us."

She doesn't show any surprise, so presumably she already knows about the support program. Christina must have described it during one of their weekly calls. Technically, she shouldn't have done that, since the program is supposed to be kept confidential, but it doesn't bother me. It's easier if I don't have to go into all the details.

"I've been in a support group," I continue, in case Tris doesn't want to admit she knows, "for people like me... People who were abused as kids, and who have a…temper…now." I try to chuckle to lighten the statement, but nothing comes out. "It's been helpful." I don't know why I still have a hard time saying this, but I have to push myself to add, "A lot more than I expected."

For a moment, we're both silent as I look away awkwardly. Then, Tris responds. "I'm glad." She says it so simply I look up again, meeting her eyes. They're almost pure gray in this light. Abnegation eyes. They remind me to be selfless.

"How about you?" I ask quietly. "How have you been?"

One side of her mouth lifts. "Busy," she answers shortly, and suddenly I feel dumb for using that word for my own life, after the job she's had for the last year.

"Yeah…" I say, rubbing the back of my neck. I make myself meet her gaze as I add, "I'm sorry I left you with all that, Tris. It wasn't remotely fair."

She shrugs, moving around the apartment a little and looking at things. "I understand why you did," she finally says with a sigh. "And realistically, if I'd been the one to reach the Control Computer, you might have ended up as president." The words startle me. I chose her because she was the only person I felt was qualified and trustworthy enough to handle the position – does she really think the same of me?

She moves a little farther into my room, glancing at my computer on its simple metal desk and continuing to my bureau. She stops, looking at the wooden frame sitting on top of it, and at the photograph within it.

"Interesting choice," she comments, picking it up for a closer look. I can't see it from this angle, but I don't have to. Every detail of it is permanently ingrained in my memory. Her face flushed with anger, her hair flowing back in the blast of air coming through Dauntless' entrance, her mouth slightly open from breathing hard.

"When was this taken?" she asks.

I hesitate, but I've learned the value of honesty in the last year, and I don't see a point in trying to hide this now.

"When you were leaving Dauntless, after Lauren's fear landscape." I don't add, after you hit me because I acted like a jerk.

She quirks an eyebrow at me, and I know an explanation is in order. I'm just not sure how to phrase this….

"It's a reminder," I begin, searching for the right words. "I really messed up that day, and you were furious with me. And I was terrified when I realized you'd left the compound. I didn't know what would happen – if Eric would figure out you were Divergent, or if you'd be kicked out of Dauntless, or if you'd ever forgive me, or if I'd even see you again. I didn't see how things could possibly work out…. But just a few hours later, you were safe, and you called me your boyfriend for the first time." I pause, meeting her eyes. "It reminds me that there's always hope, no matter how bad things seem."

Her mouth opens slightly as she stares at me, and I can't help but notice how much she currently looks like that photograph. Her hair is a bit shorter now, falling a little below her shoulders, and she's slightly taller, but she still stands straight and confident, radiating strength. She's breathtaking.

"Tobias," she says softly, "what do you expect to happen here?"

An odd laugh escapes me. "Tris, I don't have any expectations." A memory flashes through me, of the same words back in my apartment in Dauntless after her fear landscape. I wish life were that simple again – that the biggest obstacle facing us was a fear of intimacy.

"I screwed up," I admit flatly. "Badly. I don't have words to describe how sorry I am. And I know I don't have a right to expect anything at this point." I swallow hard. "But what I'd like is for us to find a way forward. I've missed you." My voice breaks a little on the statement. "And I'd like to be around you in whatever way you're willing to grant."

She holds my eyes for another few seconds before turning away. Her shoulders shake almost imperceptibly.

"You're sorry for what, exactly?" she finally asks. I don't know what to make of that question.

"I think that's pretty obvious, Tris," I answer a bit too gruffly.

"I don't think it is," she responds, her voice trembling very slightly. She turns back to me, and I can see the tears she's holding back. They break my heart a little more.

"The thing is," she continues, "my ribs healed a long time ago. But what continued to hurt after that – what's hurt every day since then – is your absence." She pauses, struggling with what to say, and I feel a weight start sinking slowly through my stomach.

"You left. You didn't even let me say goodbye. I didn't know if you were okay. Sometimes, I didn't even know if you were alive. And I had no idea if I'd ever see you again." She looks straight at me, her eyes burning into mine as she lets the tears begin to flow.

"That hurt, Tobias. That hurt a lot."

I stare, taking a tentative step toward her before I realize I've moved. I stop when I see anger mixing in with the hurt in her expression. She doesn't want me too close right now.

"I didn't know what else to do," I say softly.

"You could have talked to me," she responds, the anger stronger now. "You could have asked what I wanted. Don't you think I had a right to be part of that decision?"

"No," I answer firmly. Her eyes lock on mine again, alive and livid and tantalizingly beautiful. I continue despite them.

"You would have forgiven me. I saw that in your face as you were blacking out from what I did to you. And that was not what either of us needed." She starts to interrupt, but I raise my hand, my palm out to stop her.

"No, listen to me, Tris! What I did was not okay. It doesn't matter what triggered it. It doesn't matter that I was aiming at my father, and you just got in the way. The point is I got angry, and I got violent, and I hurt you, and that is not acceptable." She looks like she wants to protest, but I raise my voice and continue. "Think about it this way. Would it have been okay if I went after Uriah for kissing you, and hit you in the process? Or if God forbid, sometime down the road, we had a screaming baby keeping us up for days at a time and I went after him? Where's the line? What's a 'good' excuse?" She looks more hesitant now, and I add, "Life is stressful. It's full of triggers. I can't react by losing control and hurting the people I love. That's not the person I want to be."

She's silent, looking thoughtful. "I need to be able to respect myself," I tell her, my voice a little gentler. "I need to be a good person. A good son, and brother, and friend, and maybe someday a boyfriend again, and a husband, and a father." I look her firmly in the eyes, ignoring her discomfort at the last three items. "And none of those start with me breaking your ribs and then continuing with my life like it didn't happen."

For a long time, we just stare at each other.

"Are you that kind of person now?" Tris finally asks. Her voice is rough.

"I'm a lot closer." I scratch the back of my neck and then add something Kevin repeats frequently. "Life is a process. We never reach perfection, but we should always keep working toward it." I meet Tris' eyes solidly again. "I'll probably always have a temper, but if we were back in Philadelphia again now, back in that same situation, I know I wouldn't hurt you. I might still deck Marcus. I'm not a Saint. But I wouldn't lose control like I did before."

She nods. There's a trace of humor in her voice as she says, "Well, Marcus certainly deserved to be decked."

The corners of my mouth lift a little. "That he did."

We're silent for another moment before Tris says, "You still could have called, you know."

"I thought about it," I answer honestly. "Quite a few times. But Christina said you almost never asked about me. I figured you must have moved on…." I try not to show how painful that idea is. "And after everything I'd put you through…I wasn't going to interfere if you were healing."

She shakes her head quickly, watching the floor as if it's the most fascinating thing in the world. "I didn't move on," she says very quietly, her voice pained. "It just hurt too much to ask." The words reach deep into my heart and rip something out. I close my eyes.

"I never wanted to hurt you, Tris," I say, my voice rough. "I was so determined not to. But it seems to be all I did."

It's quiet enough to hear our uneven breathing.

Tris is the one to break the silence. "No," she says unexpectedly, "that's not true." I open my eyes again, meeting her gaze uncertainly.

"It's not true at all," she continues, her voice getting firmer. "I didn't miss you because I'm some kind of masochist. I missed you because of…you. Because you stood with me over and over through everything we faced. You saved my life – more than once, I might add – and you helped me recover from the horrible things I had to do during the war. You tried so hard to protect me. And you always loved me, even when I didn't deserve it. Even when I hurt you."

I watch her a bit warily, not sure where she's going with this. I didn't expect her to defend me.

"And before you left," she says, "you gave me a gift of sorts…. You let me see myself from your perspective. I thought I was this uninteresting, plain girl…."

I can't help but laugh at the idea that she could ever be that.

She gives a little smile and adds, "Don't get me wrong – I knew I had some strengths, but I honestly couldn't figure out why someone like you would want to be with someone like me."

She bites her lip and continues, "But you showed me why, and it changed the way I view myself. It made me feel strong and capable and worthwhile, and that helped me get through everything I had to tackle in this past year."

She takes a step closer, her eyes still locked on mine as she adds, "It would have been easy to be away from you if all you ever did was hurt me. It was hard because you've done so much more than that. Because you were worth missing."

She hesitates for just a moment and then says more quietly, "I don't think you ever believed it, but I loved you as much as you loved me, and for a lot of the same reasons."

My feet seem to be rooted in place, and if there are words to be found anywhere in this universe, I certainly don't know where. I've always been sure that I loved Tris more than she loved me. Always. She never even said the words until after everything that happened in Erudite….

But she saw my broadcast. She felt exactly how much I love her, and she saw all the reasons why. And she's saying she felt the same way? I don't know how to grasp the concept.

"Do you really mean that?" I somehow manage to ask.

"Yes." She says it quietly but in a tone that leaves no doubt.

My chest is pounding now, making it difficult to breathe. I'm staring at Tris, and she's staring back at me with a kind of defiance, with her eyes that are so alive they make everything inside me wake up.

"Do you…do you still feel that way?" I'm not entirely sure I say it aloud.

The defiant look crumples, and she lowers her eyes so she's not looking at me anymore. Disappointment crashes through me. Of course, she doesn't feel like that anymore. Why would she?

She kicks at the floor a little, neither of us meeting the other's gaze. I don't expect her to answer, but she finally does.

"Feelings like that don't go away easily," she says awkwardly, her voice breaking a little.

It takes me a second to process the words, and then my eyes snap back to her as an incredible surge of love and affection and hope and pain twists through me all at once. I close the distance between us without noticing, only realizing it when my hands are touching her face. My fingers trace her cheeks and run lightly through her hair, tucking it behind her ears so I can see her better.

"No, they don't," I murmur. My heart is racing even faster now, and electrical charges are crackling all along my hands, but I don't care.

"Tris," I say, waiting until her eyes return to mine. "I've messed so many things up. If you need time to figure out how you want to move forward, I completely understand. If you want to try just being friends, I'll find a way to make that work. I swear I won't make things hard on you, no matter what." I swallow. "But if there's any chance you want to give us another try…you should know that I still love you. I always will. And I will never leave you like that again."

She stares, reaching up to brush her fingertips along my jawline. The contact feels so good. "I love you, too," she whispers, and I'm pretty sure my heart stops completely.

She bites her lip. "But is that enough?" Her eyes shift away again as she hesitantly adds, "It's not like a lack of love was ever our problem."

I lift her chin gently, getting her to look at me again. "That's true," I answer calmly. "But I have to say that still being in love…seems like a pretty good starting point for rebuilding a relationship."

A smile tugs at the corners of my mouth, and I see one start to form on hers. It makes her eyes come alive, her pupils wide and dark and Dauntless and gorgeous. I'm not sure which of us moves, or if we both do, but suddenly our lips are together. I'm holding her and tasting her and feeling her warmth against me. The kiss is incredible – filled with sweetness and passion and want and the deep, burning desire to erase a year of separation and make everything right between us.

When we finally pull apart, just a little, I lower my forehead to rest on hers, breathing her air. She smells so good.

It's hard to say how long we stand like that. The concept of time seems to have disappeared. But eventually Tris speaks. "I think," she says slowly, "that we should try dating. We never really had a chance to do that."

"Okay," I answer simply, without hesitation. I can definitely agree to that. "I'm available right now, in fact. Does now work for you?"

She laughs, pulling back enough to look at me again. There's blue mixed in now in her ever-changing eyes. It's a stunning effect.

"Saturday, Tobias," she says firmly. "You can spend the day showing me everything that's changed in the city."

I can feel my eyebrows scrunching together as I think about where to begin. There's so much to show, and I have to do this right…. "That'll take a lot more than a day," I respond thoughtfully.

A smile spreads across her face. "That's kind of the point…" she murmurs.

An answering grin forms from deep inside me. I lean down again, kissing her forehead gently as she slides her arms around my waist. We stand there for a long time, just holding each other. I've had very few moments of pure happiness in my life, but this is one of them.