Chapter the Sixth, in Which the Miracle of Resurrection and Rude Songs are Mentioned
I thought a 'Scouts' style sing – along would go down well. And it's difficult to keep Dr Hix from putting on a show from time to time.
'I know a bear that you don't know, Bjarni ! Bjarni !' Mightily Oats was enjoying himself, and feeling guilty because the contents of the song were so...inappropriate. The song appeared to be about an anthropomorphic bear (maybe even a were - bear) and each verse humorously ascribed a different unsavoury habit or taste to the eponymous Bjarni and/or one of his associates. (1) Perhaps it was obvious that Dr Hix would have suggested the number, but the wizard knew his current audience would like it. He'd been assigned to the camp by the University for more than one reason.
He was a powerful wizard who could function in a potentially dangerous environment. (2)
As an amateur Thespian he could be called upon as an improvised 'morale officer.' (3)
Given his field of study, he could keep the deceased 'on side.' (4)
It had been another day of cutting wood for Mr Oats, though this time under the tutelage of Hickory Cutter, who had been told by Mr Sharp to introduce the priest to the concepts of coppicing and pollarding.
Neither Mr Cutter nor Mr Oats had chosen to comment on Mr Snorrisson leaving the foreman's tent before he issued their assignment for the day.
Predictive Pines, it seemed, shared a remarkable habit with certain deciduous tree species. If you cut them back the right way then the root plate did not die but was 'fooled' into 'thinking' it was young again, and this fostered the growth of multiple new stems on the original root system. (5)(6)
'It is also considered a living metaphor for both the cycle of life and the miracle of resurrection,' Mr Cutter had said.
'I was not aware that Sweevonians believed in resurrection as part of their faith.'
'It is rather inevitable given that we cut back forests which then re – grow. And then we are presented with the phenomenon you and I are working with. The head, as it were, cut back to invigorate the body many times over.'
That evening at prayers after supper Pastor Oats had been introduced to the mysteries of Mr Snorrisson's votive still. It seemed the little machine could be more dangerous than it looked, because the final liquor contained more than just wood alcohol. A number of other ingredients were included in the basic mixture, which had to do with ensuring a consistent quality of burnt offering. They were quite volatile, combustible even, and could cause problems if you made a mistake. Explosively so.
Eventually the religious duties of the evening were completed, and it was surprising that so many of the camp attended the solemn, simple service. Oats had commented on this, and Reverend Snorrisson had brought him up to speed on why attendance had been sparse the previous day.
'Your being Omnian made them wary of you. (7) The lads thought it best that any religious differences be sorted out by quiet discussion among professionals, and those who took a deeper interest, like Mr Cutter. Things went a similar way when Dr Hix turned up. His studies (7a) are anathema to the followers of most faiths, though the resurrection aspect of Sweevonianism leads us to be little more...ecumenical...on the issue.'
It was at around this point, with most of the camp present, that Dr Hix had suggested a sing – song as a morale booster. Nobody wanted to offend any of the Gods (9) so they departed the makeshift chapel clearing and relocated to the canteen area, where everyone who wanted would then sing a song or tell a story for the entertainment of his colleagues.
'Bjarni the Bear,' it has to be said, was a long way from being the ripest material presented. These were men in the company of other men, and there were no women present to be offended. On the subject of gender – bending Mr Washer told everyone a war story about transvestite 'washerwomen' and guards so inattentive they completely failed to notice the cavalry whiskers on one of the group.
The evening wore on, with songs, stories both amusing and of hair – raising derring - do. There was even a rather strange Hogswatch tale about Moist Von Lipwig, the Golden Postman. (10) Mightily Oats noted that tales of the Postmaster General's adventures were becoming remarkably widespread and popular when you considered that a Civil Service job was thought to be rather boring. (11) He made a mental note to look into the phenomenon at a later date. Discreetly. There could be something other than Vetinari guiding the man's career, and a priest knew to treat such situations carefully.
The impromptu concert began to wind down, with another song describing just how lucky the hedgehog was. Very lucky considering the nature of the song.
Finally, Mr Sharp made a brief speech about the need to keep up morale, but not relax their vigilance, and thanked Dr Hix for his efforts as an amateur impresario.
Dr Hix thanked Mr Sharp in his turn and reinforced Mr Cutter's warning about vigilance. Not long after, everybody drifted off to bed, apart from that shift's appointed guards.
Mr Nutt's man, guarding the camp in cover, mused to himself that lumberjacks had strange tastes in songs. (12)
(1)Sorry Scouts, I know you sing something similar at campfires. But not in front of outsiders.
(2)To be fair, so are all the UU Faculty.
(3)And the Faculty welcomed a rest from 'Dolly Sisters Players' flyers slipped into their pockets.
(4)Did I say...'not a necromancer at all'...?
(5)A real phenomenon. Some managed woodlands in Roundworld's UK are believed to be thousands of years old.
(6)Each stem ideal for a wizardly staff, if harvesting was timed properly.
(7)Imagine evangelizing with fire and sword. Omnianism used to be like this, and still has its hotheads.
(7a)Just don't say 'necromancy.' OK ?
(9)Who didn't need righteous zealots to smite blasphemers on their behalf.
(10)Plug for my story 'The Strange Delivery of Mr Von Lipwig.'
(11)Unless you were one of Lord Vetinari's Dark Clerks.
(12)No, not that 'Lumberjack Song.'