Chapter 7a, in Which Klatchian Coffee and Human Sacrifice are Discussed.
Sorry this chapter took so long. Finding time to write is a bit challenging at the moment, even though I enjoy the writing process. Mr Rashid appeared to be part of a throwaway gag about strong curry at first, but his key position in events emerges here.
See if you can guess who Mr Nutt's disciples are...
Four of the camp's complement were taking a coffee break. When you were working out in the sticks (1) you accepted what little luxuries might come your way. In this case it was Klatchian coffee, courtesy of the cook, Mr Rashid.
The group with him were 'Soapy' Washer the laundryman, Reverend Snorrison and Dr Hix. Klatchian coffee can induce a state of mind called 'knurd.' Although they were indulging in the drink in small quantities (2) for the sake of its robust taste all of them were aware of what it could do to you if you over – imbibed.
This had led to Reverend Snorrisson's subconscious mind clamouring for attention from his consciousness.
'It occurs to me that this beverage might be put to use against those who would trouble us.' (3)
'We've been briefed to expect trouble, and when it's likely to come, but it never occurred to me that my humble coffee might be of use in the struggle offendi. We need to discuss this matter further.'
Mr Washer was the next to speak.
'I think we need to raise this with Mr Sharp in short order gentlemen.'
The others agreed, but a few minutes would elapse first. Why rush a good coffee break ?
Whetstone Sharp was a little surprised at the diverse group of his camp's 'ancillary tradesmen' (4) turning up at his office excitedly talking about a new defensive technique that seemed to involve some kind of strong drink.
'We know this place is teetotal for safety reasons, and none of us is Brother Perdore (5) so what's all this about ?'
His tone was as sharp as he dared make it with Dr Hix about lest premature magical mayhem ensue. The wizard had seemed a bit tetchier than usual lately for reasons he hadn't been willing to disclose. Mr Sharp hoped the supply of dried frog pills was going to last the course of this adventure.
To his surprise, Dr Hix seemed to have cheered up.
'We have an idea, courtesy of Reverend Snorrisson and Mr Rashid, that would provide us with an additional advantage should we have...visitors.' (6)
The properties of Klatchian coffee were then discussed with respect to inducing the state of mind referred to in Morporkian as knurd. It is the opposite of the comfortable obliviousness to privation that can accompany being drunk. It is seeing things exactly as they are, and, in the right dose, the drink was capable of making a man see right through any illusion cast by a magic - user. (7)
'There is only one problem offendi, my supply of Klatchian coffee is limited, and would not suffice to render a significant number of men sufficiently knurd to be effective.'
Dr Hix provided an answer.
'Hahnemann's Homeopathic Enhancer would be our friend here. I would not need much of the beverage to work on. A single mug would be enough to work the spell on, then it just needs to be distributed drop by drop in mugs of plain water. There could be some minor magical side effects, but I think I could reduce or eliminate them if I include a suitable sacrificial victim...'
He became aware that he was the subject of hard stares from the others.
'All right, no human sacrifice, but it's in my job description to make remarks like that. Skull ring, remember ?'
Mr Sharp decided to take full charge of the discussion again, lest Dr Hix offend somebody to the point where something everyone would later regret could take place.
'Thank you Dr Hix, I believe that we should avail ourselves of this opportunity. Dr Hix, Mr Rashid, I suggest that you make arrangements to work together on this. Supplying the drink to the men at the end of supper on the evening of the full moon would make sense. We'll just have to live with any magical difficulties that arise.'
The group returned to their duties, pleased that they appeared to have placed another obstacle in the path of those who would make difficulties for them.
Mr Sharp had also been satisfied from consulting Igor that a shouldered axe would provide some protection from Glamour. His sentries really did have a tactical advantage then.
Not everybody who was privy to the 'coffee conference' was reassured by it. As ever, one of Mr Nutt's men had been unobtrusively watching over developments. He reported the decision to his leader on returning, reinforcing in that report how the men of the camp would be able to see things exactly as they were.
Pastor Nutt received the news with grave disquiet. His men were from an outcast community. They would prefer their exact ethnicity to remain obscure for as long as possible. He could be seen to visibly put effort into considering what this meant. Finally he spoke.
'I think this will work in our favour. I know that they will be immune to illusions, but we don't use them. It will be clear to the lumberjacks that we are their allies, and this will help how the community is perceived. They may have some ingrained reactions, so be careful, if you can, about them getting a clear look at you. You've done well so far, but things are different in the middle of a melee. And try to avoid getting your helmets knocked off. That's not just to avoid head injuries. I'm a known man in the world, but seeing any of you without a helmet on would be most unhelpful.'
(1) This would have been 'stalks' on the brassica – dominated Sto Plains.
(2) By lumberjack standards – (wizards imbibe almost anything for kicks,) and big men, remember.
(3)I already said not to mention 'Elves,' didn't I ?
(4)He wouldn't have dared use that term to Dr Hix' face. An edgy wizard is not to be goaded.
(5)A rather boozy Nine Day Ponderers wandering missionary. See Sir Terry's Carpe Jugulum.
(6)He was relishing the coming opportunity to throw fireballs around...and be thanked for it.
(7)The glamour cast by the Gentry to befuddle outsiders fits the bill about 'illusion' here.