Chapter the Fifteenth, in Which a Royal Visit is Announced.
The reader will have noticed a strongly accented announcement at the end of the previous chapter. This one leads into what was really going on when the Feegles arrived at the lumber camp.
The King and the Big Man (1) eyed each other carefully. They were checking each others' accoutrements and weapons for the encounter to come. Things could go very runny if they got it wrong.
'Tis a harrd thing invokin' a geas (2) upon oor heeds to assist ye yer Majesty. (3) And arre ye sure aboot yon motley ? It seems strange fer a kingy to goo intae dangerr dressed so.'
Verence had his reasons. The formidable reputation of the Fools' Guild, of which he was a member, would help impress people. And he could get away with serious in motley because even the austere and strict Dr Whiteface would not dare gainsay a king.
'I have sound reasons Big Man. The Queen has departed for the fight. Have General Ogg and the Morris Men remained behind ?' (4)
'When the Hag (5) Quin finds oot aboot this she'll raise Hell. I wouldn't want to be ye !'
'I'll face Queen Magrat's displeasure when I come to it. Princess Esmerelda Margaret will be in safe hands, the Morris Men know what to do. And General Ogg practices martial skills with me for an hour each day. (6) And I am informed there are two foreign agents in my realm with whom I need to have words. (7) I understand that using crawstep properly can bring us back to within a moment of departure.'
'That it can sirr, shall we finish checkin' each otherr oot ?'
'Good man, let's get to it !'
There isn't a great deal to inspect about the person of a Nac Mac Feegle who thinks he may encounter trouble. (7a) A small animal skull worn as a helmet is possible though not necessary. A shirt or jacket is pretty much unheard of. He'll want his tattoos on show. Don't forget the kilt and spog (sporran), decency must be observed. (9) Boots tend to be optional among Feegles though once the knowledge of their usefulness 'when administerin' a kickin'' spreads among them this may change. The ensemble will be completed with a sword as long as he is tall.
The Big Man and the Feegles of the King's 'dishonour guard' answered to minor variations on this description. An outsider who did not know them might comment on the limited amount of iron about their persons. They need not trouble themselves about that. No Elf can get inside a Feegle's hard head. (10)
King Verence had adapted the Fool's motley he had worn whilst in the service of Duke Felmet. He would be representing both Kingdom and Guild. An intelligent man who had experienced Elves directly, he was ready for a rematch should it occur. The cap with bells had been replaced with a mailed coif and an archer's 'pudding basin' helmet. That would keep glamour at bay and provide some protection. He had decided against a breastplate so he could move more freely and show the motley. Troublemakers expecting Sloshi would find the King's painfully acquired more conventional skill an unpleasant surprise. The clown martial art was, well, artistic in a painfully humorous way. The King's approach was simpler. It was a matter of stopping your opponent being a threat as quickly as possible.
To that end he bore a morningstar lately liberated from the armoury. A shield too, and a steel codpiece down the hose to preserve the Royal Succession.
'Shawn, you are in charge of the Castle while I am gone. Guard the Princess and those under our protection with all diligence. Good luck General !'
'With my life if need be, Sire, they'll not get past me again !' (11)
An accordion and a fiddle had struck up a tune in the courtyard. The Morris Men had organized themselves into the set required to perform the Lancre Stick and Bucket Dance that had served them so well during the confused time of the last major incursion. They wanted to be properly warmed up should trouble come calling. (12)
The King asked the Big Man to announce him when they arrived.
'I shall be looking to appoint one or more Heralds as diplomats. Consider this a trial run. I can't ask General Ogg to do everything.' (12a)
Ask a Feegle to do something important and he will take it seriously. It will fill him with great enthusiasm for the task ahead. It is perhaps a good idea to request that he hold back his natural boisterousness in carrying it out.
So it was that when the King and His Men arrived in the clearing, things did not go quite according to plan.
The Big Man's vigorous announcement of their arrival was taken for a battle cry and the group found themselves surrounded by violently struggling Men and Elves.
'Perhaps a more formal arrangement of words next time ?' Said King Verence, as he employed the morningstar in defence of the Royal Person and employed the 'Commander Vimes Maneuvre' to make sure his opponent stayed down. (14)
(1)Among the Nac Mac Feegle a Big Man is usually slightly over six inches tall.
(2)Not a bird.
(3)The Queen is a witch, Verence is clever enough to learn from her how to do this.
(4)Elves have reason to fear the Lancre Morris Men. See Sir Terry's Lords and Ladies.
(5)The Feegle word for a witch, of any age.
(6)Queen Magrat thought the clattering was the two of them working on the Lancre Army Knife.
(7)Did that come from General Froc or the Guild ? Let's read on to find out.
(7a)What am I saying ? Feegles are trouble.
(9)Though they sometimes forget themselves taking a leak. See Sir Terry's The Wee Free Men.
(10)And wouldn't want to come into physical contact with it either, given the Feegle fighting style.
(11)General Shawn Ogg has issues about Elves. Lords and Ladies again.
(12)In Lancre, Morris Dancing appears to be culturally equivalent to Roundworld Capoeira.
(12a)General, Postmaster, Guard, Handyman, Dunnikindiver. King Verence's Ba Pu.
(14)Elves feel no pain, but a groinal pressure point is a groinal pressure point and a boot is a boot...