Chapter 8: Let Me In

Lucas

When I was twelve, my brother and I made this pact with one another. It was around the time my mother started to get paranoid, angry, and distant. Which was followed by the time my father got loud, defensive, and angry. We promised each other that no matter how insane our parents got, we would stick together and face it with our heads held high. We would protect each other, the way brothers and best friends should. Well, as we got older things changed. We changed. I made myself busy with lacrosse and my friends to avoid my parents. Holden focused on academics and theatre. And our pact was forgotten.

"Hey," Holden greeted me as he entered the kitchen. I was sitting at the counter working on an assignment that Riley had given me the day before. I was relieved that she had agreed to tutor me again, but she was definitely not going easy on me.

"Hey," I muttered, not looking up from my paper.

"So, mom's been hounding me about keeping dad out of the apartment. She's getting the locks changed and everything," Holden grabbed a water bottle from the fridge and came to sit next to me at the counter.

"Shocking," I scoffed. When it came to talking about my parents, I had the very firm rule that I simply didn't talk about them. They made the decision to drag their kids into their drama, but that didn't mean I had to agree to it.

"Yeah, and she's still serious about the blackmail. If he doesn't sign the papers, she's threatening to-"

"Can we not talk about our psychotic parents right now?" I snapped, slamming down the pencil on the counter.

Holden winced, but tried to act like everything was perfectly fine.

"Okay, then what do you want to talk about?" Holden asked cautiously.

Let's talk about how you're sneaking around with my girlfriend behind my back.

"Nothing. I want to talk about nothing." I grabbed the Great Gatsby and flipped to a random page. I could practically feel Holden's eyebrows furrow and his frown deepen.

"Well, I thought we could hang out. Eat the leftover Chinese food, plate Zombie Attackers III. You know, like we used to," Holden suggested.

"Can't. Too much homework," I mumbled. I could see his face fall at my rejection out of the corner of my eye.

"Lucas, is something bothering you? You've seemed… different lately."

"Yeah, well so have you," I finally set my book down to glance up at my brother's face. He still looked like the Holden I had always known; Golden hair, soulful eyes, strong build. But this person sitting in our kitchen, guilt-ridden and ashamed, was a stranger to me.

"What are you talking about?" Holden questioned. I could tell he was worried about what I was going to say next. He was worried that I knew about him and Merritt.

I knew that the majority of my problems would be solved if I just told Holden that I knew about him and Merritt. But I couldn't do it. Not yet anyways. Despite how hurt I was that he had been lying to me, I wanted him to be happy. And God knows that it's been hard to be happy with my parents tearing at each other's throats every two seconds. I could tell that he was in love with her. And I knew that he'd break things off with her if I confronted him about it. So I let them be. And on the other side of it all, if I broke up with Merritt… Well, that's another issue that I wouldn't dare touch at the moment. So at the expense of their happiness, I spared my own.

"It doesn't matter. I need some air. Tell mom I'm going out," I gathered up my books, grabbed my backpack, and headed towards the door.

"Lucas, wait," Holden stood up and I turned around to look at him. "Are we okay?"

Despite everything, he was still my brother. The one who kept me sane when my mother threw that vase at my father's head at dinner when I was thirteen. The one who always made me laugh when my dad slammed his fists on the counter so hard that it made the plates in the cabinets shake. He had always been the strong one, even though he was younger than me. And that still meant something.

"Yeah, Holden. We're fine." With that, I walked out of our apartment and headed to the only place that felt like home lately.

–

Topanga's Bakery was crowded when I walked through the door that afternoon. College students filled up the chairs and couches at the front of the bakery, a few kids from my high school were sitting at the counter eating some kind of chocolate-covered pastry, and the tables outside of the bakery were occupied by businessmen having a late afternoon coffee, chatting about their long day at the office. I walked in and started looking around for an empty seat.

"Lucas!" I turned around to see Mrs. Matthews carrying a piece of pie and a cup of coffee. "It's good to see you again."

"You too, Mrs. Matthews. You guys are busy today, huh?"

"It's midterm week at the college. Kids come in here to guzzle down as much coffee as they can drink as they attempt to cram for their test. Or, you know, they avoid studying all together and just eat their weight in pastries and chat about the latest episode of the Walking Undead, or whatever it's called," Mrs. Matthews walked to the table that ordered the pastry and drink she was carrying and set it down.

"Well, do you need any help? It looks like you're short staffed, and I don't mind," I offered. There was only one woman working behind the counter, and she looked just as overwhelmed as Mrs. Matthews did.

"Oh, that's okay Lucas. We can't really afford to pay anymore new staff members right now. But thank you for offering."

"You don't have to pay me. I'd be happy to do it."

Mrs. Matthews looked up from fiddling with her apron and I could practically see the relief in her eyes.

"Are you sure? Because that would really help me out," she admitted.

"Of course, Mrs. Matthews. I don't mind at all," I assured her, bending down to pick up a few napkins that had fallen on the floor near my feet.

"Lucas, you are a godsend! Thank you! I'll go get you an apron!" Mrs. Matthews shuffled off to the back and I started clearing off one of the tables near the window.

"Excuse me, sir? Can I get a…" one of the customers flagged me down at the front of the bakery. And so it began.

The next few hours went by in a blur. I brought exhausted college students their large black coffees and sugar-filled pastries and successfully avoided thinking about my parents or Merritt and my brother. The last few customers were gathering up their things from their tables when Riley walked through the door.

"What are you doing?" she asked me. She had a book in her hands and headphones in her ears. I knew even before she said anything that she had been reading in the park for the past few hours. She had told me once that she liked to escape through fictional characters, the outdoors, and angsty rock bands when she wanted to get away from everything. Just like I was avoiding something, it looked like she was too.

"Waiting tables. You know, it's a lot harder than how they make it look on TV," I slung the cloth towel I used to wipe the tables down over my shoulder and walked towards Riley. She didn't look happy.

"Why?" Riley crossed her arms over her chest and tried to look tough.

"Because your mom needed help and I was avoiding my family," I admitted. I knew she didn't want me around, but I needed to escape my life. And right now, this was the only place I could think of that I wanted to be.

"Lucas, I said I would tutor you, but-"

"We're not friends. I know, I remember. You were brutally clear about that. But I'm not here for friendship. I'm here to work," I smirked and grabbed a plate from one of the tables.

"Is my mom paying you?"

"Nope, I'm doing this because I wanted to. Your mom needed help and I needed a distraction." I set the plate down on the counter, and hopped onto one of the stools. Riley looked up at me, took note of my tired expression, and sat down next to me.

"Is everything okay?" Her expression softened a little, but her guard was still up.

"Well, let's see. My mother is blackmailing my father for a divorce. My girlfriend is cheating on me with my brother. And I made the one person I really loved talking to, hate me. So, you know, I could be better," I confessed, as I fiddled with one of the salt shakers and avoided Riley's gaze.

"What? Merritt is cheating on you with Holden?" She turned to look at me, shock written all over her face.

"Yep. For about three months. Maybe longer," I explained. I didn't want her sympathy, but it was good to finally admit to someone everything that had been happening to me.

"Why haven't you said anything to them? Why haven't you stopped it?"

"It's complicated," I stepped down from the stool and picked up the plate to bring to the sink it the back of the bakery.

"Lucas, you should really say something. I hate how Merritt gets to walk around all high and mighty like she's the saint to end all saints, when really she-"

"Riley, Merritt's been through a lot these past few years. I'm not saying that excuses what she's doing. And maybe it'd be different if…" I trailed off as I started stacking clean plates in the cabinets above the sink.

"If what?" Riley hopped off of her stool and came over to join me behind the counter. I turned around to face her, and smiled sadly.

"If I was still in love with her." I walked over to the refrigerator and pulled out two pieces of strawberry cheesecake. I put both pieces on a plate and headed over to set them on the coffee table. Riley smiled, rummaged behind the counter to get two forks, and joined me on the couch. I handed her a plate when she sat down.

"Now, I know you're not about to give me the wimpy piece," she raised her eyebrows and looked at me expectantly. I smirked and raised my eyebrows right back at her.

"Well, well. Did I finally find Riley Matthews' weakness? Cheesecake?"

"Please," she scoffed. She looked down at her plate for a second, but then glanced right back up at me. "But seriously, switch pieces with me?"

I smiled and handed her my plate. We sat in silence for a moment as we ate our dessert. With any other person, this silence might have been awkward, but with Riley, it felt completely natural.

"I don't hate you by the way," she mentioned, as she put a forkful of cheesecake in her mouth.

"It's okay if you do. I'd hate me too," I admitted, poking my cheesecake with my fork.

"I just… I guess I don't understand. What did you do that was so bad that you can't tell me?"

I wanted to tell her. I needed to tell her everything. I didn't care if Merritt or her bully of a brother found out. I wanted Riley in my life and the only way to let that happen was to be honest wither her.

"It's not something I'm proud of… But last year I…"

"Lucas?" Mrs. Matthews stepped out of her office in the back of the bakery. "Your phone's been buzzing like crazy for the past few minutes. You might want to check it."

I sighed, and walked over to take my phone from Mrs. Matthews.

"Thank you." I glanced down at my phone. 17 missed calls. 23 text messages. My heart lurched in my throat.

"What is it?" Riley set her plate down on the coffee table and turned to look at me.

"I'm not sure yet," I muttered. I scrolled through my phone until I found what I was looking for. "Hang on, there's a voicemail."

"Lucas, it's mom. I-I left my phone at home and the nice man at the front desk let me borrow his… I… No, I just want to see him! Why can't I see him!? Lucas, it's your brother. He's… He's been in a car accident. It's bad, honey… It's really bad. Come to the hospital as soon as you get this… No! I'm his mother, I have the right to-" the message ended and I slowly lowered the phone from my ear.

"Lucas, what happened?" Riley moved from the couch to stand in front of me.

"I-It's my brother," I whispered, barely able to say the words out loud. "He's been in a car accident."

I was suddenly twelve again and my brother and I were standing in our bedroom, making our pact. I was supposed to protect him. I was supposed to be there for him and I wasn't. Everything was my fault. By being angry with my parents, I didn't have time to spend with him and I pushed him to be with Merritt. I didn't want to be around him after school today, so I pushed him into going out. I pushed him away. And I pushed him so hard that he got hurt.

"Lucas." Riley was talking, but I couldn't hear her. I couldn't hear or see or feel. All I could think about was brother. car accident. hospital.

Riley came closer and I looked her in the eyes. I didn't want to need anyone. I didn't want to let the world in on the secret that Lucas Friar was human. That he could feel sad or confused or scared. But I knew now that I wanted her to know. So I let her reach up and pull me into a hug. I let myself hug her back. And I let myself feel vulnerable for the first time in a long time.